Tag Archives: leadership

Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Japanese weight loss service provides nagging virtual wife
Woman arrested for hacking online game to kill virtual husband
Iran announces support for Barack Obama presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 27, 2008

Gizmodo reported last week that a new Japanese service provides a virtual wife that emails you each day, and nags you to stick to your weight loss plan. And Wired reported last week that a 43-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into an online game where she killed her once-virtual husband. Meanwhile, Y-Netnews reported last week that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year because he’s “more rational”. Pundits debate the benefits of fake reality and Iran’s definition of “rational.”

“I have to believe that the rantings of Iranian President Ahmadinejad about wiping Israel off the face of the earth, and his claims that the Jewish Holocaust never happened, are part of the Iranian definition of ‘rational’; and since these guys think Obama would be the best president for the U.S. because he has the same kind of ‘rational’ they have, I’m voting for McCain on that basis alone,” said Sane Persson, a regular American taxpayer clinging to god and guns while praying for the return of common sense to U.S. government. “I mean, let’s think about this for a second. The people who hate us the most are calling a first term junior senator with zero foreign policy experience the guy who should be running our country. If we miss the real meaning behind that statement, all we’ll have left is a virtual hope for a saving change. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

Not everyone agrees with Sane Persson. “It’s important that the U.S. elects someone who will engage with terrorists and America-hating leaders in order to learn what they want us to change into so they’ll like us better, and Obama’s the man because he gets along fine with America-haters in this country — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan — and a host of others,” said Dimm Bulbb, an unemployed Democrat with a journalism degree, who looks to make out big in an Obama presidency and finally move out of his parents basement. “John McCain can’t do it because he doesn’t get along with people who oppress others; his stint in Vietnam proves that. He could have given in and went along with his captors but he refused. And his running mate Sarah Palin, she can’t do it, because she reformed her own Party in Alaska, cut government expenses and taxes, while increasing state oil revenues by negotiating with the big oil companies. She’d never bend to the will of OPEC or let pork-barrel spending go on unabated. Nope, McCain and Palin are not suited for D.C. Barack is our man, and with Biden routinely predicting future disasters ahead of time, we’ll always be able to see terrible shit coming. In fact a Democrat White House plus both Houses of Congress guarantees it. I’m feeling more confident in the future all the time!”

Y-Netnews reported that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Wednesday that Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year. “We are leaning more in favor of Barack Obama because he is more flexible and rational, even though we know American policy will not change that much,” Larijani said at a press conference during a visit to Bahrain. Larijani, a leading figure in the conservative camp in Iran, also said the United States was too busy dealing with the global financial crisis to consider waging an attack on Iran. “The risk was low before,” he said. “But now I am 100% certain that the United States will not unleash a war against Iran. The economic crisis has cost the United States $1.4 trillion and Washington is working to resolve its internal problems and not a war.”

Gizmodo reported that lonely Japanese fatties now have a new way to make themselves lose weight: a virtual nagging wife. Metaboinfo.com allows you to set up a weight loss plan, then assign one of four “wives” (aid, businesswoman, nurse or salon worker) to email you on a daily basis. Depending on whether you’re ahead or behind the curve, you’ll get nice or super annoying email customized for your current status. This reminds us a lot of the Japanese DVD that teaches you confidence by having women stare at you for an hour and a half. Oh, Japan!

Wired reported that a 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said. Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder. According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.” The hacking allegation carries a maximum five-year prison term. Some people say that the woman — as well as Al Qaeda, Hamas, Iran, North Korea and Russia — are only bad in a virtual way, and are not dangerous in reality.

“The idea that there are any really bad people, organizations or countries is just a virtual concept being purported by those who want military money to spend on gadgets and gizmos and want American’s to be placated and docile and do whatever they’re told,” said someone claiming to be Michael Moore, a movie maker and secret MENSA member, whose giant brain is housed in a giant body and is mostly intellectual blubber. “The day America completely adopts a socialist system with Cuban healthcare, Venezuelan management-style and Russian-Iranian attitudes about freedom, is the day Utopia comes to set us free. Now if I could get that damn nagging virtual wife to get off my ass about my weight I’d really be happy about how things are going. If she keeps this up I may have to get that Palin email hacker to take the bitch out.”

In other news, WTAE Pittsburg reported that two men stole a purse from an unlocked car in Westmoreland County and went on a shopping spree at a porn store. The article said that after taking the purse the suspects entered the Novelties and Gifts Adult Book Store on Route 22 near Blairsville, Indiana County, where police say they purchased about $200 worth of pornographic materials using one of the stolen credit cards. No word on whether the thieves like real or virtual sex, but if Obama gets his way crime will almost certainly go down, because he’ll give these guys your money to buy porn with. Peace and happiness isn’t just for the Iranians anymore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Biden Admits We’re Screwed if Obama Wins; ‘The Joy of Sex’ Revised

VP Candidate Says Expect Barack to Mess Up First Crisis
Publisher Updates Classic Book “The Joy of Sex”

Inebriated Press
October 22, 2008

Fox News reported on Monday that Democrat vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, speaking in Seattle on Sunday, said that the world wants to test his running mate Barack Obama, and he guarantees an international crisis will occur within the first six months of an Obama presidency.  Biden said we shouldn’t expect it to work out well.  AOL News headlined their article “Biden: Obama Will Fumble First Crisis.”  Meanwhile, as if on queue, The Boston Globe reported Sunday that the famous sex manual, The “Joy of Sex”, is being revised for the 21st century.  Pundits debate the finer techniques of being screwed by people who hate America, presidential candidates who admit they’re going to do it to us, and voters who do it to themselves as a matter of choice.

“People who elect first-term Senators who say they’ll have unconditional talks with terrorists who have said they want to wipe us and our allies off the face of the earth, and candidates that go on to say that as a matter of fiscal policy they intend to take money from those who earn it and give it unconditionally to those who don’t, get exactly what they deserve,” said Helga Schumacher-BMW, a blonde high-performance German-American woman, who recalls that Germany elected Adolph Hitler of their own free will, and then lived the adventure.  “Barack Obama has surrounded himself with anti-Americans and has outlined a socialist financial plan and both he and his running mate have been completely wrong on how to handle dictators and international crisis.  Yet Obama leads in the polls because he’s charismatic and sounds encouraging when he tells us crazy shit.  It’s the same stuff the German’s fell for only in a different time, but with a charismatic leader and repackaged dialectics.  If Americans refuse to learn from history, they’ll relive it.  And it won’t be pretty.  Better buy a new copy of The Joy of Sex.  Surviving, thriving and maybe even having a good time getting screwed is all about positioning – better learn the most comfortable angles.”

Not everyone agrees with Schumacher-BMW.  “The crazies who are out running around slamming Obama are just lunatics trying to confuse the voters so they don’t realize that the Democrats are the honest candidates,” said Nifty Perelman, a biped of questionable origin, whose insights are often tinged with lubricant.  “The Obama-Biden team is wide open about the disaster that’s coming internationally because of them, and the income redistribution plans that they intend to implement.  The reality is, hard working Americans want to have the government take their money and give it to others who can’t earn much because they’re on drugs or are too lazy to get an education.  It’s neighborly.  Never mind that conservatives give more money and time to charity than liberals do already, and that liberals tend to have a lot of guilt when they have success but will only share their wealth if they’re forced to.  And let’s face it, Hitler did a great job of organizing communities and really got the country pulling together in one direction.  Adolph got a bad rap when you get right down to it.”

Fox News reported Joe Biden warned that Barack Obama will face an international crisis early in his presidency, fueling Republican charges that the Democratic presidential candidate’s own running mate admits Obama is a blank slate in the face of coming national security threats. Speaking in Seattle on Sunday, Biden said he could guarantee that the world will want to find out if Obama is up to the job, which he assured voters he is. “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama. The world is looking,” Biden said. “Remember I said it standing here. If you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he’s gonna have to make some really tough — I don’t know what the decision’s gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. I guarantee you it’s gonna happen.” The McCain campaign jumped on Biden’s remarks, saying the next president “won’t have time to get used to the office.” But Democratic aides said that Biden was merely reciting history and assuring supporters that Obama is the man for the job.

AOL News quoted Biden: “I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where [the crisis] might originate. And [Obama is] gonna need help. And the kind of help he’s gonna need is, he’s gonna need you – not financially to help him – we’re gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it’s not gonna be apparent initially, it’s not gonna be apparent that we’re right. There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, ‘Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don’t know about that decision.’ Because if you think the decision is sound when they’re made, which I believe you will when they’re made, they’re not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they’re popular, they’re probably not sound.”

The Boston Globe reported that in early 2009 a completely remodeled version of “The Joy of Sex” will be published. This time around, the book will speak to women, too. Susan Quilliam – a British sexpert, advice columnist, and relationship coach – has been put in charge of striking out old-fashioned prose and updating the scientific claims. It’s a daunting task: Quilliam has had to rethink “Sex” for the 21st century. She said the Japanese have a term – pillow book. It means a book to inform and inspire. And Quilliam said she was keen that the new version be a pillow book, and that it was something you could look through and get aroused by, as well as read. She said the book would be beautiful and luxurious.  Some people say that sex and violence is what it takes to make the world go ’round and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

“Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that sadomasochistic Nazi machine-gun sex and whipping plus quasi-Islamofascist female slavery and sex trade is where we’re headed under an O-Biden administration, but you have to admit it does sound kind of exciting, especially with all the economic money redistribution overtones and the need for a bigger underground economy,” said someone claiming to be Tony Rezko, an experienced Chicago entrepreneur always on the lookout for new business opportunities.  “People shouldn’t overlook the possibilities for franchising, tax collection and illegal tax havens.  Heck, Syrians like me thrive on this stuff.  It’s all about embracing the future and not running away from it.  American conservatives are clinging to Christian-Judeo principles too tightly.  If they don’t get with it, they’ll just get screwed without having any fun at all.  The god and gun types have a right to be uncomfortable about this.  They won’t fit in other than as fodder for the machine.  What the heck, most of them live in fly-over country anyway.  But damn that Palin is sure hot.  Wonder what it’ll take to get a piece of Sarah when her run is done?”

In other news, the UK Independent says that a herd of cows belches out more climate-changing gas than a family car. Dr Andy Thorpe, an economist at the University of Portsmouth, explained that 200 cows burp the annual amount of methane equivalent to the energy produced by a family car being driven 111,850 miles. He said solving the problem is tricky though because there could be problems with downsizing herds.  He said a reduction in meat could lead to a “disastrous” increase in demand for fish and cereals. No word on whether the revised Joy of Sex will address the problem or if Nazi’s had a cure that we just haven’t learned about.  Either way climate change will probably be the least of our worries six-months after we elect Obama president.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. Leadership Lacking While Dead Women Come to Life

Poll finds ‘Leadership Crisis’ in America
‘Dead’ Woman Discovered Breathing in Morgue

Inebriated Press
October 17, 2008

U.S. News & World Report published yesterday a survey indicating that 80% of Americans believe that the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, up from 65% three years ago.  And Fox News reported last week that a Delaware woman declared dead of a heart attack at the Beebe Medical Center, was noticed breathing in the morgue and turned out to be very much alive.  Pundits are debating the type of leadership the country needs in a new era where women are rising from the dead.

“It takes a broader understanding of both the life sciences and global economics to lead in today’s world, where no-equity sub-prime loans are killing our economy, and dead women spontaneously come to life,” said Missy Mane-Artillery, a big-hearted big-chested hard-line Coca Cola Distributor, with a weakness for common sense and chocolate.  “You can’t run a business or a country with nice sounding words and platitudes gleaned from left wing pamphlets, Pentagon bombers, Marxist training or America-hating pastors.  At least you can’t run one well.  It takes experience and some hard knocks.  You don’t have to be a prisoner of war for five years or a Senator for twenty, but it sure helps.”

Not everyone agrees with Mane-Artillery.  “Experience is a hindrance in the new age of socialism and corruption, and that’s true whether the dead are rising for no apparent reason, or the largest and most important economy and military power in the world is facing never-before-seen crisis,” said Neville Chamberlain, a former British Prime Minister, who still thinks his meeting unconditionally with Adolph Hitler stopped the Nazi’s from invading Poland, and that World War II never happened.  “Knowledge and a solid track record of experience in foreign affairs and battling corruption just get in the way of naive efforts to solve problems by increasing taxes and spending, while cutting military development and placating mobsters and terrorists.  It’s old-school mundane American-conservative thinking that lead to this mess of having the biggest and most successful economy in the world and the most powerful, feared and respected military.  It’s about time that the United States accepted its fate and elected a socialist so it can become a second-rate has-been nation like the rest of us.  It’s been the best way too long.”

U.S. News & World Report published a recent story saying that 80 percent of Americans believe the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, according to a new poll. Three years ago, that figure was 65 percent. The poll, undertaken jointly by the Center for Public Leadership at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government and the Merriman River Group, asked 997 U.S. citizens about their faith in American leadership today, which of 13 leading sectors they trusted, and how they conceived of the president’s role.

According to the poll results, the traditional news media, usually near the bottom of popularity contests, ranked higher on the survey’s leadership index than business leaders, Congress, and, in particular, the executive branch, which finished dead last. Confidence in the executive branch plummeted for the third year in a row, with 60 percent of Americans saying it gave them “not much” or “no” confidence, up from 49 percent last year. Only 2 of 13 sectors—military and medical—won a moderate amount of American confidence. The military’s lead has lasted for four years in a row. Most Americans do see the election as an important watershed for the country.

Fox News reported that Judith Johnson went to the Beebe Medical Center in Lewes, Delaware, for what she thought was a bad case of indigestion. Johnson was actually having a heart attack when she arrived at the hospital. Less than 45 minutes after she arrived, she went into cardiac arrest. An hour after being admitted, the hospital told Johnson’s husband his wife was dead. When someone at the morgue noticed Johnson’s “corpse” was still breathing, Louis Johnson learned his wife was very much alive. Johnson now suffers from liver damage, chest pain, memory loss, speech problems, and a change in personality, seizures, and permanent neurological injury as a result of the care she received at Beebe Medical Center. The Johnsons are now suing the hospital and medical staff for compensatory and punitive damages. Some people argue that as long as you believe in hope and change, you don’t need experience or practical knowledge; and if things don’t work out, it’s because “shit happens.”

“Sure the surge worked in Iraq and other people voted to send the troops weapons and supplies over Barack Obama’s ‘no’ votes, that’s just shit happening and has nothing to do with real-world stuff,” said someone claiming to be vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, still smarting because an experienced conservative woman named Sarah Palin suddenly brought the Republican Party back from the dead.  “And I’ve voted for a lot of things that Barack voted against, like most other Democrats, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong all the time. He’s lead a great campaign.  There’s no candidate in the history of America who could still lead in the polls after having attended a Mosque as a Muslim kid in Indonesia, attended an anti-American church in Chicago for twenty years, got funding and a house from a Syrian racketeer named Rezko and hung out with a guy who actually planted bombs in the Pentagon and last year even said he wished he’d have done more!  Barack hasn’t even finished his first term as US Senator and has never proposed and passed a single piece of major legislation and he’s beating an experienced and proven war hero!  This guy is a piece of work and destined to lead the most powerful country in the world.  Don’t think it’s just the Chicago machine politics, Middle Eastern money and leftist power brokers behind him.  He’s done some stuff himself too.  I can’t remember any, but he’s America’s guy.  A true leader for the new age.”

In other news, Associated Press reported Tuesday that a Pennsylvania soccer mom who packs a pistol is getting her concealed weapon permit back. Melanie Hain had lost the permit after other parents complained last month that she was carrying her loaded handgun in a holster at her daughter’s soccer game. Judge Robert Eby says even though the law required him to give her the permit back, he questioned whether Hain showed good judgment by ignoring other parents’ safety concerns. No word on whether Hain plans to run for president or encourage conditional talks with tyrants, but you can bet nobody screws around at the soccer games unless they think they can come back from the dead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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