Tag Archives: Leon Panetta

No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

> CIA to decommission all waterboarding sites
> Nevada drops proposed $5 sex tax
> Funeral home sued after black man switched for white woman

Inebriated Press
April 13, 2009

Bunny RanchThe Boston Globe reported Friday that the CIA has announced it is decommissioning all “black sites” where terrorism suspects were questioned and three were waterboarded.  And Associated Press reported Friday that the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee has voted down a proposal to levy a $5 tax on legal and illegal sex acts in the State.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle reported last Wednesday that a family is suing a funeral home after it mixed up the body of their black relative and switched it with a white woman.  Pundits say that the Obama European Tour has completed the solution to all the world’s problems and now there are no terrorists to question, no need to tax sex, and no need for affirmative action because no one can tell the difference between black and white.

Someone named Monica

Someone named Monica

“With the Obama Administrations official announcement that there will no longer be references to a ‘war on terror’ and the presidents bowing and scraping before the Saudi King, and U.S. willingness to let Iran go nuclear now, there is no need to have facilities where we ask people suspected as terrorists any questions,” said Monica Maidrite-Playtex, a community organizer and activist, currently the senior advisor to the U.S. Department of Defense.  “There are no terrorists; Barack has declared it so.  As far as the sex tax goes, I think the government should control access to sex and probably require a tax to fund an oversight board to regulate it, but at this point it’s more important that we simply control access to healthcare entirely.  Regarding the confusion between a black man and white woman, this is simply an example of the progress Barack has made since being in office.  This sort of thing didn’t happen while Bush was president because he was so polarizing; he is to blame for everything wrong with America.  Thank god he’s back in Texas.”

Someone named Jean

Someone named Jean

Not everyone agrees with Maidrite-Platex.  “Just because someone declares that there is no war with terrorists doesn’t make it so; there are still plenty of Islamofascists plotting to kill Americans.  The world won’t be safer when Iran has a nuke.  And just because the U.S. put a budget guy in charge of CIA doesn’t mean the intelligence agency is better at it’s job,” said Jean Denim-Blu, a Hooters waitress who moonlights as an aluminum welder at the Metallic Owl and Strip Club.  “As far as the black guy confused with a white woman goes, it just shows you that it’s time to drop special funding for affirmative action and get on with living together.  We have a black president, the head of the Republican party is black, Oprah is the richest and most powerful woman in the world, Tiger Woods is the worlds best golfer, the best female tennis players are black, the fastest race car driver in the world is black, the NFL superbowl winning coach is black, the fastest human in the world is black.  It’s time to let this affirmative action shit go.  And sex should never be taxed.  That’s counter intuitive, it’s the best stimulus the world’s got, let it alone for crying out loud.”

Click for larger pic

Click for larger pic

The Boston Globe reported that the CIA will decommission the infamous “black sites” where terrorism suspects were interrogated with harsh techniques that included waterboarding, agency director Leon Panetta said yesterday. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that he had informed Congress of the CIA’s detention policies following an order by President Obama in January banning harsh interrogations and ordering that the secret detention sites be closed. Panetta said that from now on the CIA would use “a dialog style of questioning”. 

Under the Bush administration three terrorists were waterboarded and officials said key information was obtained that resulted in the lives of thousands of Americans being saved from the prevention of planned terrorist attacks.

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Associated Press reported that a proposal to levy a $5 tax on sex acts in Nevada has died in a state Senate committee. The 3-4 vote Thursday in the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee was one shy of the four needed to keep the proposal afloat. Committee Chairman Bob Coffin, the Las Vegas Democrat who sponsored the bill, says the state is desperate for revenue and has not collected taxes from prostitution since it was legalized in some rural counties more than 30 years ago. Sen. Mike McGinness, a Republican from Fallon who voted against the tax, says he wouldn’t support a new tax on services. Coffin has estimated the tax would’ve raised at least $2 million a year. Nevada is facing a more than $2.8 billion revenue shortfall.

White woman

White woman

The Houston Chronicle reported that seven siblings sued the funeral home that handles Harris County’s indigent burials for cremating their father’s body instead of preparing it for a funeral as they had requested. The 91-year-old black man’s body was mixed up with the body of a white woman that was supposed to be cremated, according to the lawsuit. Both bodies were being handled through the county’s indigent burial program. The lawsuit filed by Fred Woods’ children seeks $2.7 million in damages from Carnes Funeral Home and Cremate Texas, both of which are owned by funeral director Jay Carnes. It alleges the negligence of the funeral home and crematory caused a host of physical and mental problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, anguish and humiliation.

Some people say that decommissioning “black sites”, voting down a sex tax proposed by a guy named “Coffin”, coupled with the funeral home problem with a “black man” all indicates that America continues to have serious issues with color and taxation.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

“The term ‘black site’ as a place for terrorists and the black and white funeral-home problem and the Senator Coffin guy, all this is twisted shit designed by white people to put down the black man and put negative connotations on people of color everywhere,” said a passing drunk who stumbled into the Inebriated office and was instantly hired as an Op-Ed columnist.  “We’ve made progress, that’s true, because we’re damned good and have won our way up.  But bullshit prejudice still needs to be fought and affirmative action is needed to help offset the crap that still goes on.  But it doesn’t need to be funded by mandatory taxation from income.  A nationwide sex tax would easily cover the affirmative action costs, and it would be better because sex is voluntary.  People will be okay with spending a few bucks for sex when they want to have it.  Think about the benefits of that kind of program.  Each time some people have sex they’re helping strengthen society and giving some minority an education and lifting them out of poverty and giving them a chance.  Kind of makes you want to have sex for all kinds of reasons.  Makes prostitutes more like social workers than they already are.”

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

In other news, Reuters reported last Tuesday that human females may get offended at dates who expect sex after they buy them a steak dinner, but for chimpanzees, the exchange may be a fair one, German researchers reported. They found that female chimpanzees mate more frequently with males who often share meat with them. “Our results strongly suggest that wild chimpanzees exchange meat for sex, and do so on a long-term basis,” Cristina Gomes of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany said in a statement. “Males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success, whereas females, who had difficulty obtaining meat on their own, increased their caloric intake without suffering the energetic costs and potential risk of injury related to hunting.” No word on how the chimps feel about a sex tax but so far none have been confused with either black men or white women.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

CIA will decommission detention ‘black sites’
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2009/04/10/cia_will_decommission_detention_black_sites/

No sex tax in Nevada
http://www.wbbm780.com/No-sex-tax-in-Nevada/4180028

Suit over father’s cremation seeks $2.7 million
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6365252.html

For chimps, candy is dandy but steak is quicker
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090408/sc_nm/us_chimps_dinner_1

Comments Off on No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

Filed under Humor

Google Poised to Rule, Obama Poised to Dominate, and Robber’s Cash-Stash-Snatch Cache

> Google pursues agenda in D.C. using Obama connection
> Obama tells Republicans to bury Rush Limbaugh and “get along”
> Robbery defendant hid cash in her vagina

Inebriated Press
January 28, 2009

googleThe Los Angeles Times reported Saturday that after the inauguration took place in Washington D.C. last week, that Google Inc. officially became a political power player. And The New York Post reported that President Obama warned Republicans that they better stop listening to conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh if they “want to get along.”  Meanwhile, West Virginia’s The Inter-Mountain paper reported that Randolph County investigating officer J.A. Burns recovered money from a robbers home, finding $21,060 “stashed in various places around the house,” including $1,690 concealed in Sarah Wallace’s vagina. Pundits are debating the growing power of Google, Obama and a cash-stash in today’s tricky economy.

Xaviera Hollander

Xaviera Hollander

“You can’t underestimate the power of cash in a down economy when it comes to landing deals, buying political power, or just crushing your enemies the way Obama is doing — although the power of a vagina to create wealth, families or just store money shouldn’t be underestimated either,” said Xaviera Hollander, a vaginal economist and former hooker.  “If I’m Google and I bought my way into Obama’s campaign and transition team, now that he’s in power you’re damn right I’m going to cash in.  Think of the power and influence of Obama 2.0 running on Google’s global infrastructure — for both Obama and Google. The combination of high tech media and communications, plus money and political power, is invincible.  You can screw less people and still do whatever you want.  It worked for me when I wrote for Penthouse.”

CIA Chief limbers up

CIA Chief limbers up

Not everyone thinks money, technology and vaginal awareness alone equals power.  “In the end you still have to make things work to be a successful executive or elected official.  Power, money, smooth talk and access to women’s vagina’s will only get you so far,” said Leon Panetta, former Chief of Staff to vagina-lover Bill Clinton, now power-lover Barack Obama’s Director of the CIA.  “Clinton only got off the hook for lying to a grand jury and having sex with interns in the Oval Office because the economy was in good shape.  People didn’t care who he banged or lied to as long as they could pay their bills and stash some money in their 401k’s.  Barack has to be careful with how fast he crushes his enemies like Rush Limbaugh while counting on Senate-leader Harry Reid to pull crafty legislation out of his ass, and House-leader Nancy Pelosi to pull budgetary dollars out of her vagina.  And even with me running the CIA I can only give Barack intel on his enemy’s, I can’t arrange mysterious deaths for all his enemies, some people could catch on and cause trouble.  This isn’t Putin’s Russia or the Clinton White House you know… not yet anyway.”

Obama 2.0 + Google = Orwell's 1984?

Obama 2.0 + Google = Orwell's 1984?

The Los Angeles Times reported that another inauguration took place in Washington this past week — Google Inc. officially became a political power player. In October, Google was only hours from being sued by the Justice Department as a Web-search monopolist. Today, less than three years after it made its first Washington hire, the Internet giant is poised to capitalize on its backing of President Obama and pursue its agenda in the nation’s capital. Google’s executives and employees overwhelmingly supported Obama’s candidacy, contributing more money than all but three companies or universities. Google Chief Executive Eric Schmidt campaigned for Obama and was one of four Googlers on his transition team. He is now likely to get his calls to the White House returned.

“Google is not just a benign corporate entity. It has a variety of special interests,” said Jeff Chester, the executive director of the Center for Digital Democracy, who has sparred with Google over data-privacy issues. “They’re in a great position to push their agenda through with the support of the president and the Democrats in Congress.” Competitors worry about Google’s close relationship with the Obama administration, said Bill Whalen, a research fellow at Stanford University’s Hoover Institution. White House officials did not respond to requests for comment.

090128-barack-powerThe New York Post reported that President Obama warned Republicans on Capitol Hill Friday that they need to quit listening to radio host Rush Limbaugh if they want to get along with Democrats and the new administration.  “You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done,” he told top GOP leaders, whom he had invited to the White House to discuss his nearly $1 trillion stimulus package. A White House official confirmed the comment. That wasn’t Obama’s only jab at Republicans Friday. In an exchange with Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) about the proposal, the president shot back: “I won,” according to aides briefed on the meeting. 

The man who would change America

The man who would change America

The National Review reported that Rush Limbaugh responded to Obama’s comments by saying that Obama is attempting to marginalize him and isolate Republicans. Limbaugh said that Obama’s plan would buy votes for the Democrat Party, in the same way FDR’s New Deal established majority power for 50 years of Democrat rule, and it would also simultaneously seriously damage any hope of future tax cuts. He said Obama’s stimulus is aimed at re-establishing “eternal” power for the Democrat Party rather than stimulating the economy because anyone with a brain knows this is not how you stimulate the economy. Limbaugh said that if Obama can make him serve as a distraction, then there is that much less time spent debating the merits of the trillion dollar debacle.  Limbaugh reminded listeners that Obama was a student of Saul Alinsky while he was community organizing in Chicago. He said Rule 13 of Alinksy’s Rules for Radicals is: “Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it.”

West Virginia’s The Inter-Mountain paper reported that four defendants allegedly involved in the armed robbery of Mountain Valley Bank in Mill Creek in December will have their cases bound over to a grand jury. During his testimony, Randolph County Deputy J.A. Burns said he was dispatched to a hold-up alarm at Mountain Valley Bank in Mill Creek at 10:32 a.m. on Dec. 30. Burns said he arrived at the scene and began obtaining verbal statements from witnesses. Burns told the court that police officers later received a tip from a resident who had been listening to a scanner and heard that two suspects had been seen running into a house on Conrad Street in Mill Creek.

Cash stash snatch cache

Cash stash snatch cache

Burns said officers located several items at the residence including camouflage clothes, sunglasses, a loaded .32 caliber revolver, a tote bag and $21,060 in cash. He said 50 of the recovered bills were serial numbered “bait money” from the bank. He said the money was found stashed in various places around the house. He said Wallace also had $1,690 concealed in her vagina. During cross examination, Burns was asked if he had performed a cavity search of Wallace. He said no, that she had told him where she hid the money. 

The Chicago Way – An Early Adopter

The Chicago Way – An Early Adopter

In other news, WKMG Orlando reported Saturday that a Boston terrier stopped a rape attempt in Pompano Beach, sheriff’s deputies said. The Broward County Sheriff’s Office said a 46-year-old woman allowed a man inside her apartment Wednesday after he said he was a repairman. Once inside, however, the man attacked her. Her female dog then bit the man on the shoulder, and he fled the apartment, according to the sheriff’s office. No word on whether the man was really looking for vaginal cash or attempting to Google for influence, but the fact is the Boston terrier won. 

And winning is what matters. 

That’s why during the disagreement between Obama and Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) over Obama’s trillion dollar proposal, the president shot back his election reminder: “I won.”  That’s the Chicago way.  Get used to it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Google ready to pursue its agenda in Washington
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-fi-google24-2009jan24,0,5255660.story

PREZ ZINGS GOP FOE IN A $TIMULATING TALK
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01232009/news/politics/prez_zings_gop_foe_in_a_timulating_talk_151572.htm

Robbery suspects’ cases go to grand jury
http://theintermountain.com/page/content.detail/id/514551.html

Xaviera Hollander – From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xaviera_Hollander

Limbaugh Responds to Obama
http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=OTU5MjE3MmQ0NWU1Zjc1YzYyMDE1NzNmZmM2MzYxMmI

Sheriff: Dog Stopped Rape Attempt
http://www.clickorlando.com/news/18555514/detail.html

Comments Off on Google Poised to Rule, Obama Poised to Dominate, and Robber’s Cash-Stash-Snatch Cache

Filed under Humor, IP News

Panetta to Head CIA, Milky Way Bigger than Thought, Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin

> CIA operatives baffled with Obama’s pick of budget guy to run spy agency
> Astronomers discover Milky Way is 50% larger than they thought
> Biologists spot pink iguana on Galapagos Islands, Changes evolutionary theory

Inebriated Press
January 7, 2008

Top Spy Panetta

Top Spy Panetta

Wired.com reported Monday that ex-senior CIA staffers are mystified with president-elect Obama’s pick of former House budget chairman and Clinton chief-of-staff Leon Panetta, to head the CIA.  Some are convinced Obama is pushing the agency quietly out of the way. And Associated Press reported that astronomers who thought the Milky Way was smaller than the Andromeda Galaxy now admit they were wrong, and that it’s twice the size they believed it was.  Meanwhile, Discovery says there’s a rare pink iguana on the Galapagos Islands that Darwin missed, and it’s been around for 10 million years — which alters the evolutionary theory of the iguana’s development.  Pundits say that these three developments prove that humankind doesn’t know shit about what we’re doing most of the time.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

“Let’s face it, scientists are winging it constantly and Obama is doing the same thing with the American intelligence community.  If the election of dumb-ass comedian Al Frankin as a U.S. Senator from Minnesota wasn’t enough, now we’ve got certifiable proof that humankind is actually devolving,” said Stacy Rae-Gunn, a platinum-light piercing the darkness of foggy thought, when she’s not stripping at the Gum-Wrapper Lounge and Tax Prep Shop.  “A president doesn’t appoint a budget guy and life-long politician to the top spy job in the United States if they actually want serious spying done.  You only do that if you want the Agency to be politically correct and within budget.  Spying by its very nature isn’t politically correct.  To do this to Central Intelligence is the equivalent of putting Britney Spears in charge of NASA.  No one can deny that its change, but the agency’s mission is turned inside out.”

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Gunn.  “Barack is doing what’s necessary for sound political change and this appointment will insure that the CIA will have well-organized office meetings and won’t overspend on hors d’oeuvres or order out for pizza too much,” said someone claiming to be Vladimir Putin, a locally known fry chef and dictator wannabe, whose expertise in politics is said to rival his experience with cooking oil.  “And astronomers and biologists are always right too, it’s the iguana that caused the theory trouble and the Milky Way probably just got bigger while we were looking the other way.  None of this should cast any doubt on the certainty of evolution, the big bang theory, or the benefits of a professional comedian running the U.S. Senate or a budget guy running the CIA.  And for crying out loud stop telling me that we can’t predict global warming just because we don’t know what the weather will be next week.  Predicting next weeks weather just isn’t as important as the fact that we know conclusively what will happen to the climate a hundred years from now if we keep letting cows fart.  I’ve made up my mind so don’t try to confuse me with some silly facts.”

Wired reported that the incoming Obama administration has named Leon Panetta as its nominee for the Director of Central Intelligence. Some observers are confused, to put it mildly, about the pick. The guy — a former White House chief of staff and House Budget Committee chairman — has a reputation for being a tough, competent manager, they say. But can he really be an effective CIA chief in the cloak-and-dagger world? And what about those pledges, to keep the intelligence community out of politics?  “I find the choice of Leon Panetta to head the CIA a curious one,” said a well-connected former spy according to Wired.com. “On the one hand, if you are looking to pick a nation’s top spook, it is generally a good idea to pick someone with more than a cursory exposure to the intelligence business. It is also more than a little annoying that we can’t seem to find a CIA chief that hasn’t spent all of their adult life playing politics.”  An ex-senior CIA manager told Laura Rozen that the message of the Panetta appointment was clear: “The message is, ‘I don’t want to hear anything out of the CIA. Make it go away. No scandals. Keep it quiet,'” the former officer said. “They put over there a guy who is a political loyalist, who will keep everything nice and quiet, but who won’t know a good piece of intelligence from a shitty piece of intelligence, and wouldn’t know a good intelligence officer” from a bad one.

Milky WayAssociated Press reported that for decades, astronomers thought when it came to the major galaxies in Earth’s cosmic neighborhood, our Milky Way was a weak sister to the larger Andromeda. Not anymore. The Milky Way is considerably larger, bulkier and spinning faster than astronomers once thought, Andromeda’s equal. Scientists mapped the Milky Way in a more detailed, three-dimensional way and found that it’s 15 percent larger in breadth. More important, it’s denser, with 50 percent more mass, which is like weight. Being bigger means the gravity between the Milky Way and Andromeda is stronger. So the long-forecast collision between the neighboring galaxies is likely to happen sooner and less likely to be a glancing blow, said study author Mark Reid of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Mass. The new findings were presented Monday at the American Astronomical Society’s convention in Long Beach, Calif.

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Discovery reported that when English naturalist Charles Darwin explored the Galapagos Islands in the early 1800s, he, and countless scientists since, overlooked a hefty pink iguana. Lead author of a new study Gabriele Gentile, a researcher in the Department of Biology at Tor Vergata University in Rome, took blood samples from several Galapagos iguanas, including the better-known yellow species. Gentile and his colleagues extracted DNA from the blood to illuminate how the different species are related to each other and when each emerged. Based on this study and earlier work, Gentile and his team believe that 10.5 million years ago, a common ancestor to both marine and land iguanas from Central or South America colonized the Galapagos Islands. The marine and land iguanas probably diverged at that time. Most researchers have thought that all major iguana species differentiated much later during the Pleistocene Epoch (1.8 million to 10,000 years ago). That wasn’t so, according to Gentile and his team.

Some people say that since truth and ethics are both relative and situational, it only makes sense that “facts” are also relative and arbitrary.

“No one is really who they pretend to be, whether they are rocket scientists, cashiers or Barack Obama,” said an Inebriated reporter, burping out some words while appearing to be asleep.  “The world of mass and measure, sound, fury or lunch meat is just a momentary fart in a skillet of post-election Obama-mania-euphoria. Everything is as nothing and all the world’s a stage and the players play and the dancers dance.  You can say what you want and be what you want and change into something else the day after tomorrow.  Chaos is the essence of truth and irrelevance is the heart of nature.  Everything is meaningless — except for the IRS on April 15th.  Better have your taxes in order or they’ll have your ass.”

U.S. Senator Al Franken

U.S. Senator Al Franken

In other news, the American Thinker reported Monday that after the onslaught of record breaking bitter temperatures during the last quarter of 2008, and with less wind, the amount of sea ice has significantly and dramatically rebounded at the fastest rate ever before recorded.  Currently being measured to be about where it was 29 years ago in 1979, sea ice is again as expansive and dense as it was when global cooling proponents of the time said that we were witnessing the advance of a mini ice age. Reported by the University of Illinois’s Arctic Climate Research Center, and derived from satellite observations of the Northern and Southern hemisphere polar regions, sea ice has been restored to pre-Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW) levels.  The article said that the fantasy and absurdity of AGW is becoming laughable, and again is proven conclusively wrong.  No word on when Al Gore will have their ass for bringing up messy facts to get in the way of firm belief, but with Al Franken in the U.S. Senate, Leon Panetta managing Central Intelligence, and Marx Brothers movies for guidance, you can bet it won’t be long.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Spooks Scratch Their Heads Over Obama CIA Pick
http://blog.wired.com/defense/2009/01/the-incoming-ob.html

Milky Way _ the galaxy _ not snack-sized anymore
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SCI_MILKY_WAY?SITE=AP

Rare Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2009/01/05/pink-iguana.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

The Long Recount is Over
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/washingtonpostinvestigations/2009/01/after_six_weeks_of_the.html?wprss=washingtonpostinvestigations

Comments Off on Panetta to Head CIA, Milky Way Bigger than Thought, Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin

Filed under Humor, IP News