Tag Archives: life

Trafficking in Gypsy Girls, Aborted Fetus Organs, and Vodka

> Annual Gypsy Girls Bride Sale in Bulgaria
> Brit Stem Cell Expert says Ease Donor Shortage, Transplant Fetus Organs
> Illegal Vodka Accounts for Half of All Sales in Russia

Inebriated Press
March 16, 2009

For Sale

For Sale

The Daily Mail Online reported last week that thousands of teenage Roma girls were brought by their parents to an annual market in Bulgaria, where they hoped to find men willing to pay several thousand euros to buy a “bride”.  And the Daily Mail also reported that an Oxford stem cell expert says organs from late-term aborted fetuses should be used as transplants to help alleviate donor shortages.  Meanwhile, The St. Petersburg Times reported last week that illicit vodka sales is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sold in Russia this year, as people look for less costly untaxed alcohol.  Some people say that there will be greater societal opportunities when old fashioned ethics and rule of law are aborted.

“The days of valuing life so highly that we waste the human organs of a not-yet human fetus are over and the days of buying booze legally and paying taxes are behind us.  It’s time we move forward with selling women for brides, and beheading each other if we have a disagreement and then selling off the parts for transplants or casseroles,” said Jeffrey Dahmer, a forward thinking intellectual and part-time chef, who was misunderstood by traditionalists and communicates through mediums today.  “The ideas that marriage needs to be between two people who meet and fall in love, or that working human organs somehow came from a working human being, or that booze should be traded through legal channels, is absurd, not to mention highly inefficient.  Let parents sell their kids in the open market, or sell their parts if they’d rather.  And let underground liquor producers sell their stuff without government inspection or taxation.  A totally free market economy would be less costly and provide new economic opportunity.  There may be a few people who die from poison booze or a girl who gets sold for parts who’d rather not, but hey, no system is perfect.”

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Not everyone agrees with Dahmer.  “One of the struggles that every country faces is to maintain a good economy, a modicum of personal freedom and societal progress, while not creating a system that ultimately ends up being like Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia,” said Benjamin Franklin, an old school thinker who believes that freedom and commerce can work together successfully as long as individuals take some personal responsibility and behave themselves most of the time.  “If I could wave a magic wand and make all citizens ethical we’d cut the need for our expensive judicial system by at least 90 percent and eliminate most of the prisons, court houses, lawyers and other infrastructure.  Those systems act like a tax on the country, and the less moral the individuals are the more costly the economic burden.  Women and their parts should not be traded like so many tractors or their pieces — at any age.  And if a representative form of government has established taxation to pay for product inspection and so forth, then it’s acceptable.  However, over-taxation is wrong and a liquor tax should only pay for needed safety and not bureaucracy.  And let’s face it, if a kids parts work in someone else’s body then they’ll work in their own.  How can you call a late-term aborted fetus’ kidney a kidney only when it’s in somebody else’s body and not their own?  I mean really.  This is parsing both words and body parts in the worse possible way.”

On the market

On the market

The Daily Mail reported that thousands of teenage Roma girls dressed in their finest clothes and gold jewelry, were paraded around by their parents earlier this month – at an open-air brides market. “We take our daughters to this gathering so they could get acquainted with boys, for we do not allow our children to go to discos,’ explains Elena from Kapitan Andreevo. At the market  in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros. Younger siblings came along too to play and eat sweets while one newly-wed couple bellydanced on top of an old car to show their happiness at finding a match. Several wannabe-brides joined in, showing their eagerness to be married. The annual bride sale takes place each year on the first Saturday after the start of the orthodox Easter fast. This year the gathering attracted some 2,000 people who came from all over southern Bulgaria including Plovdiv, Pasardzhik, Sliven and Jambol.

7 month abortion; wasted parts

7 month abortion; wasted parts

The Daily Mail reported that Professor Sir Richard Gardner, an Oxford University stem cell expert, said fetal tissues may offer a more realistic solution to the lack of organs than other technologies being developed. Calling for studies into the feasibility of transplanting fetal organs, Sir Richard, an advisor to Britain’s fertility watchdog and the Royal Society, said he was surprised the possibility had not been considered. Sir Richard said: “It is probably a more realistic technique in dealing with the shortage of kidney donors than others.”  Professor Stuart Campbell added that many babies are aborted quite late, “and if they are going to be terminated, it is a shame to waste their organs”. Josephine Quintavalle, of Comment on Reproductive Ethics, described the proposal as ‘absolutely horrifying’. She said: “At what stage do you say to the woman who is to have an abortion, ‘Can we have some organs for transplant?’”

Vodka brands

Vodka brands

The St. Petersburg Times reported that the sale of illicit vodka is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sales in Russia this year as people look for cheap, untaxed alcohol as their salaries shrink amid the economic crisis. In an early sign that illicit sales are already taking off, legal vodka production plunged by 21 percent in January, compared to January last year, the State Statistics Service said. Vodka production fell by 7.6 percent for all of 2008.  “Sales aren’t down, but production is falling,” said Pavel Shapkin, chairman of the National Alcohol Association. “This indicates that the state is losing to crime and the consumer is encountering products that are not properly regulated.” Vadim Drobiz, spokesman for the Union of Alcohol Market Participants said “more people choose to drink vodka at home now, like they did during the Soviet times.” The downturn is hitting the liquor stores that refuse to sell illegal products especially hard.

Some pundits say trading girls, organs and booze is fine as long as there’s proper regulation.

Buy or rent?

Buy or rent?

“Over the years I’ve gotten sick from bad booze, diseased hookers and some chicken organs I bought as a snack, and the reality is, if they were properly inspected and regulated there’s no risk to my health,” said Jon Doe, a roller skate rebuilder and occasional taxpayer.  “So I’m willing to buy or rent a bride, pay a booze tax and swap the parts of unborn children if they’re all certified healthy.  I suppose lopping the parts out of a kid will put a dent in their future, and maybe a gal who’s in sexual slavery won’t want to put out the way I want, but as long as it works for me most of the time, that’s all that matters.  Survival of the fittest and all that you know.  Of course when I’m down on my luck, I don’t want to be sold for parts or have my house taken away.  I’ll expect government to bail me out.  It’s all about me.  Let’s face it, that’s how we all are and should be.  Screw Benjamin Franklin and his freedom and personal responsibility bull shit.  I’d sign up with Hitler before Abraham Lincoln any day.  Adolph got things done.  He didn’t just patch a country together, he built the Third Reich.”

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

In other news, USA Today reported last week that Heather McNamara, 7, was discharged from a New York hospital Tuesday after a daring, high-risk operation last month in which doctors removed six vital organs so they could take out a baseball-sized tumor that had invaded her abdomen and threatened her life. Surgeons removed and chilled the child’s stomach, pancreas, spleen, liver and small and large intestines as they would for transplantation, so they could be restored after the tumor was taken out. The transplant specialist said the cancer had spread so widely that the girl’s stomach, pancreas and spleen couldn’t be saved. In place of her stomach, Kato’s team fashioned a pouch from intestinal tissue to hold food before it moves into the small intestine for digestion. The loss of her pancreas turned the child into a diabetic who will need insulin injections and digestive enzymes. “She’s doing fantastic,” her father, Joseph McNamara, of Islip Terrace, Long Island, said in an interview Monday as the two played Old Maid in her room at New York-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital.  No word on why he didn’t just sell off her good organs for a few bucks and cash her out.  Maybe he was suffering from some silly personal responsibility, or perhaps a bout of common decency.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

On the market: Teenage Gypsy girls glam up for annual bride sale
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1160669/On-market-Teenage-Gypsy-girls-glam-annual-bride-sale.html

Use aborted fetus organs in transplants, urges scientist
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1161085/Use-aborted-foetus-organs-transplants-urges-scientist.html

Illegal Vodka Set to Account for Half of All Sales
http://www.times.spb.ru/index.php?action_id=2&story_id=28493

Miracle surgery: Girl ‘fantastic’ after 6 organs removed, 3 replaced
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-03-09-surgery-cancer_N.htm

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), IP News, Op-Ed

Machines with Human Abilities, Scientists Growing Dolls from Living Cells, and New Catfish Species Can Climb Rocks

> Tests show machines closing in on human abilities
> Scientists Grow Doll Out of Living Cells, Complex Organisms Next
> New Venezuelan Catfish Species Capable of Climbing

Inebriated Press
January 30, 2009

Human or not

Human or not

The New Scientist Magazine reported last week that the Turing test – a simple way to tell if a machine can think –  shows that machines are closing in on human abilities, and can almost pass as one of us.  And Gizmodo reported last week that researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a 5mm tall doll composed of living cells, in an experiment to create 3D living biological structures.  Meanwhile, LiveScience reported last week that a previously unknown species of climbing catfish has been discovered in remote Venezuela, and its strange traits are shaking the evolutionary tree. Some pundits are debating the nature of life and consciousness, while others wonder whether silicon breasts are as good or better than the real ones.

“You are what you are but you can strive to be better if you want, and bigger boobs are always better, whether they’re real, imagined or silicon,” said Tom Headd-Bobb McGee, a weight lifter and part-time investment banker at several Wall Street firms currently in re-org.  “Thinking cyborgs, Japanese-grown dolls and other life forms, even rock climbing fish are nothing compared to the crazy shit we’re going to see before the Obama administration is through.  If I didn’t spend most of my time job hunting and checking out boob sizes I’d be nervous about the future.  As it is, I just keep moving on and expect ‘change that somebody can believe in’ to keep coming at me.  No point being afraid, just be ready to duck when you have to and hope for the best.”

Mmmm silicon ...

Mmmm silicon ...

Not everyone sees it the way Headd-Bobb does.  “As human nature and animal evolution continue to advance into the realm of psycho-spiritual physical-ethereal dimensions and we become like gods and remake ourselves with human, plant, animal and mechanical components, we will reach the point where we will be all things at all times and none of them when we don’t want to be,” said Randi Anne-Browne, a new age philosopher and nymphomaniac, when she’s not flipping tofu burgers at the Green Galley Cafe and Head Bangers Lounge.  “I mean, Barack Obama is closest to being all things and none of them, and often says and does conflicting things at the same time.  He is the leading enlightened being on the planet so far, but he lacks physical cyber alteration that is really necessary for him to became a transcendent species capable of stepping beyond mere human and spiritual planes and into mechanical and Internet space and time.  He’s close though.  Really close.  I can’t even understand the logic he’s using half the time and that proves it.”

New Scientist reported that it may have been dreamt up in 1950, but the Turing test – a simple way to tell if a machine can think – still holds powerful sway over many researchers striving to produce a machine at least in some respects equal with a human. The 2008 winner of the annual Turing test contest won using a brilliantly simple strategy that Turing didn’t even foresee. Elbot (elbot.com) convinced three of 12 humans it was just like them by acting like a human pretending to be a robot. The article said the line between reality and animation is blurring, and while there have been some significant milestones, bigger stuff is ahead.  Robotic systems may soon have to make decisions over life and death.

Brave new world

Brave new world

At a conference last year legal and military experts suggested entrusting a Turing test with an altogether more serious job – determining whether or not military equipment may choose for itself when and where to fire. Debate at the Ethics of Autonomous Military Systems conference centered on whether a robot could yet commit a war crime. Ronald Arkin, of Georgia Institute of Technology, argues that machines will one day be able to make that judgment as well as a human can. One that does will have passed the military Turing test.

The doll that was grown

The doll that was grown

Gizmodo reported that researchers at the University of Tokyo created a 5mm tall doll composed of living cells, in an experiment to create 3D living biological structures. It’s cute and kinda gross at the same time. The experiment is supposed to help improve techniques to create bodily organs and tissues with complex cellular structures, which would be useful for regenerative medicine and drug development. Scientists created the little gingerbread-looking man by cultivating 100,000 0.1mm balls of collagen, each coated with dozens of skin cells and dropping them inside a doll-shaped mold for a day. The doll managed to survive in a culture solution for more than one day. Shoji Takeuchi, a professor at the University of Tokyo’s Institute of Industrial Science, said he’ll be trying to combine multiple types of cells next to create a complex system that could function as a living organism. Translated: “First we’re growing dolls. Next we’re going to grow PEOPLE.” Just kidding. I think.

New age rock climber

New age rock climber

LiveScience reported that a previously unknown species of climbing catfish has been discovered in remote Venezuela, and its strange traits are shaking the evolutionary tree for these fish. The newfound catfish, Lithogenes wahari, shares traits with two different families of fish – Loricariidae (armored catfishes) and Astroblepidae (climbing catfishes). It has bony armor that protects its head and tail, and a grasping pelvic fin that helps it to climb vertical surfaces such as rocks. “We see new fish species all the time, but when you also get new information about the biological history of a group, it’s the most fun,” Scott Schaefer of the American Museum of Natural History in New York said. “The question is whether the grasping pelvis and climbing behavior evolved once or if it was independently acquired in these groups. I don’t think it evolved twice, although there are slight anatomical differences – so the jury is still out.” The paper is published in the journal American Museum Novitates, and the research was supported by the Constantine S. Niarchos Scientific Expedition Fund and the National Science Foundation.

Some people say that Barack Obama isn’t really a new species at all, but is simply old style Chicago politics polished up for a new age.

090130-cybersex1“There’s nothing inherently different in Obama’s style of Chicago power politics, except that he personally breaks less bones while structuring a dominating political machine,” said Heather Rae Clevagemore, a natural blonde dental assistant and political analyst, with curves that don’t stop and an attitude to match.  “Politicians are constantly redefining themselves, repackaging their message, rounding up support by making promises and then paying them off as they go along.  That’s Barack’s deal on Guantanamo, on funding international abortion clinics, opening up the military for openly gay troops, all that stuff.  Both Houses of Congress are Democrat and he’s got a full power majority.  He’s trying to get a few Republicans to go along with him so he can call his pay-back non-partisan, but that’s same-old same-old.  The difference is that he’s got an e-based army, the major media in his pocket, and George Soros money all behind him … plus a fearful public because of the economy, that’ll let him do anything he wants to as long as he keeps saying nice things to them.  He won’t get down and dirty if he can knife people quietly along the way.  It’s Chicago style the Barack 2.0 way.”

Darwins tree

Darwins tree

In other news, New Scientist reported last week that Charles Darwin was wrong about the tree of life. Darwin toyed with the concept of a “tree of life” to explain the evolutionary relationships between different species. It was to prove a fruitful idea: by the time he published On The Origin of Species 22 years later, Darwin’s spindly tree had grown into a mighty oak. For much of the past 150 years, biology has largely concerned itself with filling in the details of the tree. But today the project lies in tatters, torn to pieces by an onslaught of negative evidence. Many biologists now argue that the tree concept is obsolete and needs to be discarded. “We have no evidence at all that the tree of life is a reality,” says Eric Bapteste, an evolutionary biologist at the Pierre and Marie Curie University in Paris, France.

So what happened? In a nutshell, DNA. The discovery of the structure of DNA in 1953 opened up new vistas for evolutionary biology. The problems began in the early 1990s when it became possible to sequence actual bacterial and archaeal genes rather than just RNA. Everybody expected these DNA sequences to confirm the RNA tree, and sometimes they did but, crucially, sometimes they did not. As more and more genes were sequenced, it became clear that the patterns of relatedness could only be explained if bacteria and archaea were routinely swapping genetic material with other species – often across huge taxonomic distances – in a process called horizontal gene transfer (HGT). As it became clear that HGT was a major factor, biologists started to realise the implications for the tree concept. As early as 1993, some were proposing that for bacteria and archaea the tree of life was more like a web. No word on whether Obama 2.0 and his reliance on a web of e-connected backers will evolve into a second term, but Obama and his minions are on the case already, and like the leftist Senator who morphed into a centrist-looking President while continuing to do leftist things, Vegas is already betting he will likely climb the rocks better than a Venezuelan Catfish.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

Tests that show machines closing in on human abilities
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16461-tests-that-show-machines-closing-in-on-human-abilities.html?full=true

Scientists Grow Doll Out of Living Cells, Complex Organisms Next
http://i.gizmodo.com/5137610/scientists-grow-doll-out-of-living-cells-complex-organisms-next

New Catfish Species Climbs Rocks
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090122/sc_livescience/newcatfishspeciesclimbsrocks

Why Darwin was wrong about the tree of life
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20126921.600-why-darwin-was-wrong-about-the-tree-of-life.html?full=true

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Rogue Stem Cell Clinics, Abortion Gift Certificates, and Time Traveling

Clinics exploit hope with unproven stem cell therapies
Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates for the holidays
Scientists snatch supernova echo from the 1500’s

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
December 5, 2008

081205-rogue-clinicsReuters reported yesterday that rogue clinics around the world are exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a new report. And the Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments during the holidays, to be used for buying contraceptives or paying for abortions.  Meanwhile, Scientific American reported yesterday that scientists at the Subaru Telescope say they’ve traveled into the past and seen echoes of an event witnessed by astronomer Tycho Brahe in 1572.  Pundits are debating whether society is going forward, backward, or if it’s just more of the same, but with a high tech flavor.

Supernova

Supernova

“‘Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account’ — Solomon wrote that in Ecclesiastes, and he knew what he was talking about way before snake-oil salesmen plied their trade with unproven elixir they said would heal all your ills — the same as the stem cell people are doing today,” said Rachael Ray-Fiberglass, a part-time chef and full-time auto-body repair expert, who likes cooking up fun in old Chevy’s.  “There’s nothing new about what’s going on in today’s world. It’s as old as human nature itself.  I have little doubt that the Aztec’s handed out certificates that gave benefits to citizens who sacrificed their children for the holidays, and we know scams of all kinds have been going on forever.  People elected Obama for his change mantra and now he’s stocking the cupboards with Clintonites.  Nothing new is going on here.  Sure the country has moved further left and we’ll get higher taxes and a weaker military, but that’s been a Democrat thing for years. Everything is the same, only the trappings are different.”

Germany 1945

Germany 1945

Not everyone agrees with Ray-Fiberglass.  “Today’s civilization has advanced well beyond the barbaric days of snake oil and artery bleeding for healing, and no free woman should have to carry an unwanted child to term; we’ve outgrown old modalities. For crying out loud get over it,” said Angel Golden-Rapunzel, who looks like her first name and frequently makes men drool but never notices.  “We should be using every tool and technology at our disposal to advance medicine and social enjoyment, by altering our genes, relaxing our beliefs about genocide and the value or devaluation of human life, and get on with the creation of a new age and a master race.  Hitler was pretty aggressive and probably should have toned it down a little, but he made significant advancements toward improving humanity through proper breeding and casually getting rid of undesirables. There’s nothing to fear here.  Some old things might be new again, but they’ve been updated for the better, with a modern approach and progressive philosophy.  If we could go back in time and get Adolph’s views on things, you can bet most of today’s true scientists would do it. The guy had foresight.”

Reuters reported that rogue clinics around the world may be exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a report released on Wednesday. The International Society for Stem Cell Research released guidelines for researchers and regulators, and a guidebook for patients that criticized some clinics. “The International Society for Stem Cell Research is very concerned that stem cell therapies are being sold around the world before they have been proven safe and effective,” the guidelines said. “The direct-to-consumer portrayal of stem cell medicine is optimistic and unsupported by published evidence,” Timothy Caulfield of the University of Alberta and colleagues wrote. For researchers and regulators, the group advises tough oversight and independent review. “Regulators have a responsibility to prevent exploitation of patients in their jurisdictions, and where necessary, to close fraudulent clinics and take disciplinary action against the doctors involved,” said Dr. George Daley of Children’s Hospital Boston.

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

The Chicago Tribune reported that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments available online and at 35 Indiana clinics, which can be used for health services, contraceptives and abortions. Betty Cockrum, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood of Indiana, characterizes the response to the gift certificates as “pretty robust, and generally very favorable.” She estimates that “about a dozen” certificates have sold since they became available Nov. 25. Planned Parenthood of Illinois plans to sell similar gift certificates starting Monday. PPIN’s move has enraged various anti-abortion organizations. Jim Sedlak, vice president of the American Life League and executive director of Stop Planned Parenthood, a group based in Stafford, Va., condemns the certificates as a continuation of Planned Parenthood’s “annual attacks on the Christian community at Christmastime.”
 

Time or Space?

Time or Space?

Scientific American reported that it’s not every day we get a chance to time travel. But astronomers say they’ve done a little traveling into the past. In November of 1572, legendary astronomer Tycho Brahe peered up at the night sky. He saw what looked like a strangely bright star in the constellation Cassiopeia. It was brighter even than the nearby planet Venus. He studied that bright new star for five months, until it faded away. But what Brahe saw wasn’t a new star. It was actually an old star undergoing the brilliantly bright death of a supernova. Scientists at the Subaru Telescope in Japan recently analyzed what could be called echoes of this more than 400-year-old event. Light from the original supernova bounced off dust particles in the interstellar clouds and eventually reached us here on earth more than four centuries later. They published their research in the December 4th issue of the journal Nature.

Some people say that whether light is old or new, shedding some of it on current trends with a bit of common sense gleaned from history, is the best way to advance society.

Misunderstood visionary leader

Misunderstood visionary leader

“We need to use caution when we begin to protect heinous killers on death row, and terrorists who indiscriminately behead those they disagree with, because we call ourselves civilized; but then create human embryos and destroy them for the stem cells, or destroy them because they are inconvenient or imperfect,” said a passing troll, often mistaken for a Republican right-winger.  “I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place to consider this, but when we become casual about it, and we shuffle genes and weak or powerless members of society like so many playing cards, we begin to walk a path where taking the lives of the innocent to benefit those in control leads to oppression and an authoritarian version of utopia.  Protection of the sick and the weak is what makes society what it is. It’s where we derive compassion and understand unconditional love.  Improvement through change can be made, but costs and tradeoffs are always present.  Abandoning love of life with both its strengths and weaknesses, and replacing it with economic or socially engineered efficiency and design, ultimately becomes oppressive and totalitarian.  Oh what the hell, hand me the Jack Daniels, I’ve had enough of this shit for one day.”

Curves that hurt

Curves that hurt

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday, that a Swedish woman injured in a car accident has had her disability benefits withdrawn after the country’s social insurance agency determined her large bust was to blame for the pain. “My breasts have been large since I got them. But I didn’t have any problems with pain before the car accident,” Jessica Andersson said. Andersson learned last week that the Swedish Social Insurance Agency was cancelling disability payments for whiplash injuries she suffered in a car accident six years ago. The agency’s decision comes following an assessment from a doctor suggesting that Andersson could return to work if she had breast reduction surgery. Andersson is currently considering an appeal of the ruling to have her payments withdrawn. No word on whether she got her boobs naturally or from a rogue clinic, but sometimes personal change, just like society’s, hurts as much as it helps.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Animal-Human Embryos OK’d, Small-Chested Drivers Dodge Ban, and One Man’s Fight to Marry a Comic Book Character

United Kingdom passes law allowing creation of animal-human embryos
Vietnam suspends plan to ban small-chested drivers
Japanese man petitions government to marry comic book character
Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008
Barack Obama and John McCain

Barack Obama and John McCain

With the eyes of the United States focused on the presidential election between Barack Obama and John McCain, and talk of freedom, socialism and a brave new world swirls around citizens ankles like autumn leaves in mid-America, the rest of the world is busy hammering out the details of human-animal cloning, small chested car drivers and human-cartoon-character weddings.

The Straights Times reported last week that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos and also ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can be harvested in order to treat them. And the Times Herald-Record reported that Vietnam’s Health Ministry, facing mounting criticism, suspended a plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. Meanwhile a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to pressure the government into allowing marriages between humans and cartoon characters. While America plays politics, other global citizens stick to business.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

“If Americans had half a brain they’d know that politics and candidates are irrelevant to the future and only clones, chest-size and cartoon characters hold the keys to power and contextual bliss in the age ahead,” said Georgia O’Malley, a former French neo-Nazi and current World-Champion Stripper-Hula-Hoopist.  “Until I won the Stripper Hula-Hoop championship after getting silicon implants, marrying a Superman comic book and cloning myself for future parts, my life had little meaning and was boring to boot.  But now I’m a winner, I’ve got a new me growing for parts in Britain and I have a chest that gives me the right to drive in Vietnam.  I can read my husband like the comic book he is, and have renewed freedom and confidence in a worldwide spiritual awakening lead by Barack Obama.  It’s true that I still can’t find my socks and forget my own name occasionally, but that’s only jet-lag because I’m a futuristic babe on course to vote for the next U.S. president in Ohio.  Thanks to ACORN, it works for all of us, no matter who we are or where we’re from.”

Not everyone has a clue as to what O’Malley is talking about.  “You can toy with silicon and play with your genes, even marry a comic-book character in some countries, but when it comes down to ones right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, you’d better show up and fight for it politically or your genes won’t be your own, and no comic book hero will save you, regardless of your silicon based cup size,” said Sally Anne Armstrong, a free-love, equal-rights, NRA member, who values the rights granted her in the U.S. Constitution above income redistribution and equality derived by crushing those better off than she is.  “I don’t cling to god and guns like some folks do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support the Christian-Judeo foundation of government practiced by the U.S. which has provided the safest, strongest, most robust economy and freest nation in the history of the world.  I’m not tossing that overboard gambling that we can elect any form of government and it’ll be okay.  When in doubt I stick to the fundamentals.  And there’s plenty to be in doubt about these days.”

The Straights Times reported that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos for medical research, in the biggest shake-up of embryology laws in two decades. The wide-ranging Bill, which has been debated for months, would also allow ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can help treat them. In addition, it gives lesbians and single women easier access to in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment by removing requirements for clinics to consider a child’s need for a father. The new law comes amid an ongoing race by the medical research community to find a way to grow stem cells, which have the potential to develop into any of the body’s cell types. Opponents of Britain’s proposed law warn that the easing of laws on creating embryos could lead to the genetic engineering of human beings, with religious groups calling it the next step on a ‘slippery slope’. The landmark Commons vote makes Britain one of the handful of countries in the world to encourage such ground-breaking research. Hybrids, or ‘admixed embryos’, are banned in at least 21 countries.

No one stops her from driving.

No one stops her from driving.

The Times Herald-Record reported that faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam’s Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes – as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds). When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts. Thursday’s state-run Tuoi Tre newspaper quoted ministry official Nguyen Huy Quang as saying the proposal would be suspended.

Australia’s News.com reported that a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the “two-dimensional world”. Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters. Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures. “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he wrote. “However, that seems impossible with present-day technology. Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?” Japan only permits marriage between human men and women and gives no legal recognition to same-sex relationships. Some people say that once Barack Obama is president of the world, all forms of reality will be replaced by legalized relativity, finally freeing everyone to be or not to be, and giving others the same freedom to ignore or embrace those claims, as long as they give all forms of control and capital to the new Administration.

Is perception really reality?

Is perception really reality?

“We’ve known for some time that all reality is simply perception and that limits of law and nature exist only because they’re allowed to by the bourgeoisie,” said new world citizen Humphrey Zardoz, a former new age Missourian, busy shedding the last vestiges of human limitation and his tight underwear.  “In the future there will be no haves or have-nots, no humans or animals, no planet or stars, all is one and we share life and plasma and energy.  We’ll share the parts of our unborn, grown for the occasion.  We’ll marry cartoons and engage in new laws based on chest size.  Chaos and fun will be the rule of the day and it’ll be great until the cows come home — and they usually do.  Some asshole with a nuke will decide what we do and issue a lock-down and make authoritarian statements backed by crabby people with guns and explosives.  Those idiots always show up and the next thing you know civilization is struggling for freedom and equality again.  But what the hey, the world has gone for centuries under god-less terrors and North America has dodged damn near all of that.  It’s about time the freedom lovers of America loose their luster and live in the ethical swap of relativism and find out whether the good-old-days really were. Let nothing stand in the way of our behaving as though we’re gods and see what happens.  It’s worth the gamble.  Let’er rip!”

New reality?

New reality?

In other news, Reuters reported last week that an al Qaeda leader has called for President George W. Bush and the Republicans to be “humiliated,” without endorsing a party in the upcoming U.S. presidential election, according to an Internet video posting. Militant postings on al Qaeda-linked websites have been debating the outcome of an Obama election with some forecasting a racial crisis dividing the United States if he wins. Others say his planned withdrawal from Iraq would be a boon to al Qaeda’s affiliate and give it a base for Middle East expansion. No word on whether al Qaeda plans to begin cloning suicide bombers in British Petri dishes or switch from forcing Muslim girls into arranged marriages with old men to cartoon characters instead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Woman Gives Birth to Grandchildren; Blondes are Good Girlfriends, Brunettes Better Wives

Ohio woman becomes grandmother by giving birth to her own grandchildren
Survey shows blondes are best girlfriends, but brunettes’ best to settle down with

Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008

UK’s Metro reported last week that a 56-year-old Ohio woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her grandchildren.  And the UK Telegraph reported last week that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for marrying. Pundits are debating whether hair color or embryo implantation will drive the future of women in the new age.

“I think people will be giving birth to their own parents in the years ahead, what with cloning going full force and genetic modification becoming as easy as dying your hair,” said Laurie Loose-Labia, a practical nurse and voluntary hostage at the Hapless Tiger Lounge for Sadomasochists.  “I’m just a nurse and non-profit volunteer but I understand enough about science and current trends to know that it won’t be long before the combination of cloning, in vitro implantation and self-hypnosis will drive the majority of human reproduction and Tupper Ware party activity in this country.”

Not so good wife?

Not so good wife?

Not everyone agrees with Loose-Labia.  “We won’t be going much farther down the science fiction reality show before we pull back and get into serious old-school reproduction and honest hair color, like nature intended,” said Mary Soho-Cupcake, a hunting party guide known to be both hard and soft, and in all the right places.  “I’m no quasi intellectual Kafkaesque pheasant hunter, but I can tell you that there are dark places in the psyche that modern science is taking us into, and we’d darn well better turn around before we get lost in there.  Stick to old style sex, normal hair color and only shoot stuff you want dead.  Don’t pretend you can mix and match genes and bodies like so much Lego.  We’re playing with fire kids.  Some body’s going to get burned.  Watch out its not you.”

The UK Metro reported that Jaci Dalenberg, 56, from Ohio USA, carried two identical twins and their sister, as a surrogate mother for her daughter Kim Coseno and her husband. The woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her own grandchildren. The 56-year-old gave birth to triplets by having IVF, and embryos implanted into her uterus. The twins and their sister were two-months premature and all four are said to be doing fine. Jaci is said to have offered her service after her daughter was waiting to adopt with her husband.

The UK Telegraph reported that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for settling down with. Almost one in five say blondes are sexier than other girls; with just under half saying they had more outgoing personalities. When it comes to marriage, however, more than half said they would rather wed a dark-haired woman because they were more dependable and sensible. Out of a poll of 3,000 men, almost half said dark-haired women were the most loving. Men also felt brunettes were the best homemakers with 51 per cent thinking they were best at organizing the home, while 48 per cent thought they were the best cooks. Some people say that over-weight women are the best at everything, regardless their hair color or desire to toy with genetics.

Good at everything.

Good at everything.

“You can’t judge a woman by the color of her hair or whether she claims to be willing to give birth to her own grandchildren.  What’s the most important is whether she’s a bit on the chubby side ‘cause then she’ll have sex with you,” said Mr. McGee, some guy who wandered in off the street carrying a copy of the Rocky Mountain News.  “It says right here that overweight females have more sex, and it’s obvious that they do plenty of grocery shopping and cooking – all of which are darned important. According to an award winning study at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ annual meeting, 92 percent of overweight women have had sexual intercourse while only 87 percent of normal body weight women have.  It just goes to show you that hair color and in vitro fertilization aren’t everything.”

Twinkie

Twinkie

In other news, CNN reported yesterday that Hostess Twinkies are becoming the latest product remade and repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs, a product some analysts say could do well given that more people are packing their own lunches in the slumping economy. The maker of the golden yellow, creme-filled cake launched “Twinkie Bites” nationwide in stores on Monday. It’s also introducing a snack pack featuring strawberry cupcakes as it extends the 100-calorie pack line originally aimed at women who wanted to snack more sensibly. No word on how the Hostess people feel about the sex habits or hair color of women, but a Twinkies sales boost would come at an opportune time for Interstate Bakeries, as it seeks creditor approval of a plan that would allow the Kansas City-based company to exit more than four years of bankruptcy.

(C) InebriatedPress.com

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Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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