Tag Archives: life

Trafficking in Gypsy Girls, Aborted Fetus Organs, and Vodka

> Annual Gypsy Girls Bride Sale in Bulgaria
> Brit Stem Cell Expert says Ease Donor Shortage, Transplant Fetus Organs
> Illegal Vodka Accounts for Half of All Sales in Russia

Inebriated Press
March 16, 2009

For Sale

For Sale

The Daily Mail Online reported last week that thousands of teenage Roma girls were brought by their parents to an annual market in Bulgaria, where they hoped to find men willing to pay several thousand euros to buy a “bride”.  And the Daily Mail also reported that an Oxford stem cell expert says organs from late-term aborted fetuses should be used as transplants to help alleviate donor shortages.  Meanwhile, The St. Petersburg Times reported last week that illicit vodka sales is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sold in Russia this year, as people look for less costly untaxed alcohol.  Some people say that there will be greater societal opportunities when old fashioned ethics and rule of law are aborted.

“The days of valuing life so highly that we waste the human organs of a not-yet human fetus are over and the days of buying booze legally and paying taxes are behind us.  It’s time we move forward with selling women for brides, and beheading each other if we have a disagreement and then selling off the parts for transplants or casseroles,” said Jeffrey Dahmer, a forward thinking intellectual and part-time chef, who was misunderstood by traditionalists and communicates through mediums today.  “The ideas that marriage needs to be between two people who meet and fall in love, or that working human organs somehow came from a working human being, or that booze should be traded through legal channels, is absurd, not to mention highly inefficient.  Let parents sell their kids in the open market, or sell their parts if they’d rather.  And let underground liquor producers sell their stuff without government inspection or taxation.  A totally free market economy would be less costly and provide new economic opportunity.  There may be a few people who die from poison booze or a girl who gets sold for parts who’d rather not, but hey, no system is perfect.”

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Thumb sucking at 4.5 weeks, kid or organs?

Not everyone agrees with Dahmer.  “One of the struggles that every country faces is to maintain a good economy, a modicum of personal freedom and societal progress, while not creating a system that ultimately ends up being like Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia,” said Benjamin Franklin, an old school thinker who believes that freedom and commerce can work together successfully as long as individuals take some personal responsibility and behave themselves most of the time.  “If I could wave a magic wand and make all citizens ethical we’d cut the need for our expensive judicial system by at least 90 percent and eliminate most of the prisons, court houses, lawyers and other infrastructure.  Those systems act like a tax on the country, and the less moral the individuals are the more costly the economic burden.  Women and their parts should not be traded like so many tractors or their pieces — at any age.  And if a representative form of government has established taxation to pay for product inspection and so forth, then it’s acceptable.  However, over-taxation is wrong and a liquor tax should only pay for needed safety and not bureaucracy.  And let’s face it, if a kids parts work in someone else’s body then they’ll work in their own.  How can you call a late-term aborted fetus’ kidney a kidney only when it’s in somebody else’s body and not their own?  I mean really.  This is parsing both words and body parts in the worse possible way.”

On the market

On the market

The Daily Mail reported that thousands of teenage Roma girls dressed in their finest clothes and gold jewelry, were paraded around by their parents earlier this month – at an open-air brides market. “We take our daughters to this gathering so they could get acquainted with boys, for we do not allow our children to go to discos,’ explains Elena from Kapitan Andreevo. At the market  in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros. Younger siblings came along too to play and eat sweets while one newly-wed couple bellydanced on top of an old car to show their happiness at finding a match. Several wannabe-brides joined in, showing their eagerness to be married. The annual bride sale takes place each year on the first Saturday after the start of the orthodox Easter fast. This year the gathering attracted some 2,000 people who came from all over southern Bulgaria including Plovdiv, Pasardzhik, Sliven and Jambol.

7 month abortion; wasted parts

7 month abortion; wasted parts

The Daily Mail reported that Professor Sir Richard Gardner, an Oxford University stem cell expert, said fetal tissues may offer a more realistic solution to the lack of organs than other technologies being developed. Calling for studies into the feasibility of transplanting fetal organs, Sir Richard, an advisor to Britain’s fertility watchdog and the Royal Society, said he was surprised the possibility had not been considered. Sir Richard said: “It is probably a more realistic technique in dealing with the shortage of kidney donors than others.”  Professor Stuart Campbell added that many babies are aborted quite late, “and if they are going to be terminated, it is a shame to waste their organs”. Josephine Quintavalle, of Comment on Reproductive Ethics, described the proposal as ‘absolutely horrifying’. She said: “At what stage do you say to the woman who is to have an abortion, ‘Can we have some organs for transplant?’”

Vodka brands

Vodka brands

The St. Petersburg Times reported that the sale of illicit vodka is expected to account for nearly half of all vodka sales in Russia this year as people look for cheap, untaxed alcohol as their salaries shrink amid the economic crisis. In an early sign that illicit sales are already taking off, legal vodka production plunged by 21 percent in January, compared to January last year, the State Statistics Service said. Vodka production fell by 7.6 percent for all of 2008.  “Sales aren’t down, but production is falling,” said Pavel Shapkin, chairman of the National Alcohol Association. “This indicates that the state is losing to crime and the consumer is encountering products that are not properly regulated.” Vadim Drobiz, spokesman for the Union of Alcohol Market Participants said “more people choose to drink vodka at home now, like they did during the Soviet times.” The downturn is hitting the liquor stores that refuse to sell illegal products especially hard.

Some pundits say trading girls, organs and booze is fine as long as there’s proper regulation.

Buy or rent?

Buy or rent?

“Over the years I’ve gotten sick from bad booze, diseased hookers and some chicken organs I bought as a snack, and the reality is, if they were properly inspected and regulated there’s no risk to my health,” said Jon Doe, a roller skate rebuilder and occasional taxpayer.  “So I’m willing to buy or rent a bride, pay a booze tax and swap the parts of unborn children if they’re all certified healthy.  I suppose lopping the parts out of a kid will put a dent in their future, and maybe a gal who’s in sexual slavery won’t want to put out the way I want, but as long as it works for me most of the time, that’s all that matters.  Survival of the fittest and all that you know.  Of course when I’m down on my luck, I don’t want to be sold for parts or have my house taken away.  I’ll expect government to bail me out.  It’s all about me.  Let’s face it, that’s how we all are and should be.  Screw Benjamin Franklin and his freedom and personal responsibility bull shit.  I’d sign up with Hitler before Abraham Lincoln any day.  Adolph got things done.  He didn’t just patch a country together, he built the Third Reich.”

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

Heather with reshuffled parts; not cashed out

In other news, USA Today reported last week that Heather McNamara, 7, was discharged from a New York hospital Tuesday after a daring, high-risk operation last month in which doctors removed six vital organs so they could take out a baseball-sized tumor that had invaded her abdomen and threatened her life. Surgeons removed and chilled the child’s stomach, pancreas, spleen, liver and small and large intestines as they would for transplantation, so they could be restored after the tumor was taken out. The transplant specialist said the cancer had spread so widely that the girl’s stomach, pancreas and spleen couldn’t be saved. In place of her stomach, Kato’s team fashioned a pouch from intestinal tissue to hold food before it moves into the small intestine for digestion. The loss of her pancreas turned the child into a diabetic who will need insulin injections and digestive enzymes. “She’s doing fantastic,” her father, Joseph McNamara, of Islip Terrace, Long Island, said in an interview Monday as the two played Old Maid in her room at New York-Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital.  No word on why he didn’t just sell off her good organs for a few bucks and cash her out.  Maybe he was suffering from some silly personal responsibility, or perhaps a bout of common decency.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

On the market: Teenage Gypsy girls glam up for annual bride sale
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1160669/On-market-Teenage-Gypsy-girls-glam-annual-bride-sale.html

Use aborted fetus organs in transplants, urges scientist
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1161085/Use-aborted-foetus-organs-transplants-urges-scientist.html

Illegal Vodka Set to Account for Half of All Sales
http://www.times.spb.ru/index.php?action_id=2&story_id=28493

Miracle surgery: Girl ‘fantastic’ after 6 organs removed, 3 replaced
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-03-09-surgery-cancer_N.htm

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), IP News, Op-Ed

Machines with Human Abilities, Scientists Growing Dolls from Living Cells, and New Catfish Species Can Climb Rocks

> Tests show machines closing in on human abilities
> Scientists Grow Doll Out of Living Cells, Complex Organisms Next
> New Venezuelan Catfish Species Capable of Climbing

Inebriated Press
January 30, 2009

Human or not

Human or not

The New Scientist Magazine reported last week that the Turing test – a simple way to tell if a machine can think –  shows that machines are closing in on human abilities, and can almost pass as one of us.  And Gizmodo reported last week that researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a 5mm tall doll composed of living cells, in an experiment to create 3D living biological structures.  Meanwhile, LiveScience reported last week that a previously unknown species of climbing catfish has been discovered in remote Venezuela, and its strange traits are shaking the evolutionary tree. Some pundits are debating the nature of life and consciousness, while others wonder whether silicon breasts are as good or better than the real ones.

“You are what you are but you can strive to be better if you want, and bigger boobs are always better, whether they’re real, imagined or silicon,” said Tom Headd-Bobb McGee, a weight lifter and part-time investment banker at several Wall Street firms currently in re-org.  “Thinking cyborgs, Japanese-grown dolls and other life forms, even rock climbing fish are nothing compared to the crazy shit we’re going to see before the Obama administration is through.  If I didn’t spend most of my time job hunting and checking out boob sizes I’d be nervous about the future.  As it is, I just keep moving on and expect ‘change that somebody can believe in’ to keep coming at me.  No point being afraid, just be ready to duck when you have to and hope for the best.”

Mmmm silicon ...

Mmmm silicon ...

Not everyone sees it the way Headd-Bobb does.  “As human nature and animal evolution continue to advance into the realm of psycho-spiritual physical-ethereal dimensions and we become like gods and remake ourselves with human, plant, animal and mechanical components, we will reach the point where we will be all things at all times and none of them when we don’t want to be,” said Randi Anne-Browne, a new age philosopher and nymphomaniac, when she’s not flipping tofu burgers at the Green Galley Cafe and Head Bangers Lounge.  “I mean, Barack Obama is closest to being all things and none of them, and often says and does conflicting things at the same time.  He is the leading enlightened being on the planet so far, but he lacks physical cyber alteration that is really necessary for him to became a transcendent species capable of stepping beyond mere human and spiritual planes and into mechanical and Internet space and time.  He’s close though.  Really close.  I can’t even understand the logic he’s using half the time and that proves it.”

New Scientist reported that it may have been dreamt up in 1950, but the Turing test – a simple way to tell if a machine can think – still holds powerful sway over many researchers striving to produce a machine at least in some respects equal with a human. The 2008 winner of the annual Turing test contest won using a brilliantly simple strategy that Turing didn’t even foresee. Elbot (elbot.com) convinced three of 12 humans it was just like them by acting like a human pretending to be a robot. The article said the line between reality and animation is blurring, and while there have been some significant milestones, bigger stuff is ahead.  Robotic systems may soon have to make decisions over life and death.

Brave new world

Brave new world

At a conference last year legal and military experts suggested entrusting a Turing test with an altogether more serious job – determining whether or not military equipment may choose for itself when and where to fire. Debate at the Ethics of Autonomous Military Systems conference centered on whether a robot could yet commit a war crime. Ronald Arkin, of Georgia Institute of Technology, argues that machines will one day be able to make that judgment as well as a human can. One that does will have passed the military Turing test.

The doll that was grown

The doll that was grown

Gizmodo reported that researchers at the University of Tokyo created a 5mm tall doll composed of living cells, in an experiment to create 3D living biological structures. It’s cute and kinda gross at the same time. The experiment is supposed to help improve techniques to create bodily organs and tissues with complex cellular structures, which would be useful for regenerative medicine and drug development. Scientists created the little gingerbread-looking man by cultivating 100,000 0.1mm balls of collagen, each coated with dozens of skin cells and dropping them inside a doll-shaped mold for a day. The doll managed to survive in a culture solution for more than one day. Shoji Takeuchi, a professor at the University of Tokyo’s Institute of Industrial Science, said he’ll be trying to combine multiple types of cells next to create a complex system that could function as a living organism. Translated: “First we’re growing dolls. Next we’re going to grow PEOPLE.” Just kidding. I think.

New age rock climber

New age rock climber

LiveScience reported that a previously unknown species of climbing catfish has been discovered in remote Venezuela, and its strange traits are shaking the evolutionary tree for these fish. The newfound catfish, Lithogenes wahari, shares traits with two different families of fish – Loricariidae (armored catfishes) and Astroblepidae (climbing catfishes). It has bony armor that protects its head and tail, and a grasping pelvic fin that helps it to climb vertical surfaces such as rocks. “We see new fish species all the time, but when you also get new information about the biological history of a group, it’s the most fun,” Scott Schaefer of the American Museum of Natural History in New York said. “The question is whether the grasping pelvis and climbing behavior evolved once or if it was independently acquired in these groups. I don’t think it evolved twice, although there are slight anatomical differences – so the jury is still out.” The paper is published in the journal American Museum Novitates, and the research was supported by the Constantine S. Niarchos Scientific Expedition Fund and the National Science Foundation.

Some people say that Barack Obama isn’t really a new species at all, but is simply old style Chicago politics polished up for a new age.

090130-cybersex1“There’s nothing inherently different in Obama’s style of Chicago power politics, except that he personally breaks less bones while structuring a dominating political machine,” said Heather Rae Clevagemore, a natural blonde dental assistant and political analyst, with curves that don’t stop and an attitude to match.  “Politicians are constantly redefining themselves, repackaging their message, rounding up support by making promises and then paying them off as they go along.  That’s Barack’s deal on Guantanamo, on funding international abortion clinics, opening up the military for openly gay troops, all that stuff.  Both Houses of Congress are Democrat and he’s got a full power majority.  He’s trying to get a few Republicans to go along with him so he can call his pay-back non-partisan, but that’s same-old same-old.  The difference is that he’s got an e-based army, the major media in his pocket, and George Soros money all behind him … plus a fearful public because of the economy, that’ll let him do anything he wants to as long as he keeps saying nice things to them.  He won’t get down and dirty if he can knife people quietly along the way.  It’s Chicago style the Barack 2.0 way.”

Darwins tree

Darwins tree

In other news, New Scientist reported last week that Charles Darwin was wrong about the tree of life. Darwin toyed with the concept of a “tree of life” to explain the evolutionary relationships between different species. It was to prove a fruitful idea: by the time he published On The Origin of Species 22 years later, Darwin’s spindly tree had grown into a mighty oak. For much of the past 150 years, biology has largely concerned itself with filling in the details of the tree. But today the project lies in tatters, torn to pieces by an onslaught of negative evidence. Many biologists now argue that the tree concept is obsolete and needs to be discarded. “We have no evidence at all that the tree of life is a reality,” says Eric Bapteste, an evolutionary biologist at the Pierre and Marie Curie University in Paris, France.

So what happened? In a nutshell, DNA. The discovery of the structure of DNA in 1953 opened up new vistas for evolutionary biology. The problems began in the early 1990s when it became possible to sequence actual bacterial and archaeal genes rather than just RNA. Everybody expected these DNA sequences to confirm the RNA tree, and sometimes they did but, crucially, sometimes they did not. As more and more genes were sequenced, it became clear that the patterns of relatedness could only be explained if bacteria and archaea were routinely swapping genetic material with other species – often across huge taxonomic distances – in a process called horizontal gene transfer (HGT). As it became clear that HGT was a major factor, biologists started to realise the implications for the tree concept. As early as 1993, some were proposing that for bacteria and archaea the tree of life was more like a web. No word on whether Obama 2.0 and his reliance on a web of e-connected backers will evolve into a second term, but Obama and his minions are on the case already, and like the leftist Senator who morphed into a centrist-looking President while continuing to do leftist things, Vegas is already betting he will likely climb the rocks better than a Venezuelan Catfish.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

Tests that show machines closing in on human abilities
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16461-tests-that-show-machines-closing-in-on-human-abilities.html?full=true

Scientists Grow Doll Out of Living Cells, Complex Organisms Next
http://i.gizmodo.com/5137610/scientists-grow-doll-out-of-living-cells-complex-organisms-next

New Catfish Species Climbs Rocks
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090122/sc_livescience/newcatfishspeciesclimbsrocks

Why Darwin was wrong about the tree of life
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20126921.600-why-darwin-was-wrong-about-the-tree-of-life.html?full=true

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Rogue Stem Cell Clinics, Abortion Gift Certificates, and Time Traveling

Clinics exploit hope with unproven stem cell therapies
Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates for the holidays
Scientists snatch supernova echo from the 1500’s

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
December 5, 2008

081205-rogue-clinicsReuters reported yesterday that rogue clinics around the world are exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a new report. And the Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments during the holidays, to be used for buying contraceptives or paying for abortions.  Meanwhile, Scientific American reported yesterday that scientists at the Subaru Telescope say they’ve traveled into the past and seen echoes of an event witnessed by astronomer Tycho Brahe in 1572.  Pundits are debating whether society is going forward, backward, or if it’s just more of the same, but with a high tech flavor.

Supernova

Supernova

“‘Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account’ — Solomon wrote that in Ecclesiastes, and he knew what he was talking about way before snake-oil salesmen plied their trade with unproven elixir they said would heal all your ills — the same as the stem cell people are doing today,” said Rachael Ray-Fiberglass, a part-time chef and full-time auto-body repair expert, who likes cooking up fun in old Chevy’s.  “There’s nothing new about what’s going on in today’s world. It’s as old as human nature itself.  I have little doubt that the Aztec’s handed out certificates that gave benefits to citizens who sacrificed their children for the holidays, and we know scams of all kinds have been going on forever.  People elected Obama for his change mantra and now he’s stocking the cupboards with Clintonites.  Nothing new is going on here.  Sure the country has moved further left and we’ll get higher taxes and a weaker military, but that’s been a Democrat thing for years. Everything is the same, only the trappings are different.”

Germany 1945

Germany 1945

Not everyone agrees with Ray-Fiberglass.  “Today’s civilization has advanced well beyond the barbaric days of snake oil and artery bleeding for healing, and no free woman should have to carry an unwanted child to term; we’ve outgrown old modalities. For crying out loud get over it,” said Angel Golden-Rapunzel, who looks like her first name and frequently makes men drool but never notices.  “We should be using every tool and technology at our disposal to advance medicine and social enjoyment, by altering our genes, relaxing our beliefs about genocide and the value or devaluation of human life, and get on with the creation of a new age and a master race.  Hitler was pretty aggressive and probably should have toned it down a little, but he made significant advancements toward improving humanity through proper breeding and casually getting rid of undesirables. There’s nothing to fear here.  Some old things might be new again, but they’ve been updated for the better, with a modern approach and progressive philosophy.  If we could go back in time and get Adolph’s views on things, you can bet most of today’s true scientists would do it. The guy had foresight.”

Reuters reported that rogue clinics around the world may be exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a report released on Wednesday. The International Society for Stem Cell Research released guidelines for researchers and regulators, and a guidebook for patients that criticized some clinics. “The International Society for Stem Cell Research is very concerned that stem cell therapies are being sold around the world before they have been proven safe and effective,” the guidelines said. “The direct-to-consumer portrayal of stem cell medicine is optimistic and unsupported by published evidence,” Timothy Caulfield of the University of Alberta and colleagues wrote. For researchers and regulators, the group advises tough oversight and independent review. “Regulators have a responsibility to prevent exploitation of patients in their jurisdictions, and where necessary, to close fraudulent clinics and take disciplinary action against the doctors involved,” said Dr. George Daley of Children’s Hospital Boston.

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

The Chicago Tribune reported that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments available online and at 35 Indiana clinics, which can be used for health services, contraceptives and abortions. Betty Cockrum, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood of Indiana, characterizes the response to the gift certificates as “pretty robust, and generally very favorable.” She estimates that “about a dozen” certificates have sold since they became available Nov. 25. Planned Parenthood of Illinois plans to sell similar gift certificates starting Monday. PPIN’s move has enraged various anti-abortion organizations. Jim Sedlak, vice president of the American Life League and executive director of Stop Planned Parenthood, a group based in Stafford, Va., condemns the certificates as a continuation of Planned Parenthood’s “annual attacks on the Christian community at Christmastime.”
 

Time or Space?

Time or Space?

Scientific American reported that it’s not every day we get a chance to time travel. But astronomers say they’ve done a little traveling into the past. In November of 1572, legendary astronomer Tycho Brahe peered up at the night sky. He saw what looked like a strangely bright star in the constellation Cassiopeia. It was brighter even than the nearby planet Venus. He studied that bright new star for five months, until it faded away. But what Brahe saw wasn’t a new star. It was actually an old star undergoing the brilliantly bright death of a supernova. Scientists at the Subaru Telescope in Japan recently analyzed what could be called echoes of this more than 400-year-old event. Light from the original supernova bounced off dust particles in the interstellar clouds and eventually reached us here on earth more than four centuries later. They published their research in the December 4th issue of the journal Nature.

Some people say that whether light is old or new, shedding some of it on current trends with a bit of common sense gleaned from history, is the best way to advance society.

Misunderstood visionary leader

Misunderstood visionary leader

“We need to use caution when we begin to protect heinous killers on death row, and terrorists who indiscriminately behead those they disagree with, because we call ourselves civilized; but then create human embryos and destroy them for the stem cells, or destroy them because they are inconvenient or imperfect,” said a passing troll, often mistaken for a Republican right-winger.  “I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place to consider this, but when we become casual about it, and we shuffle genes and weak or powerless members of society like so many playing cards, we begin to walk a path where taking the lives of the innocent to benefit those in control leads to oppression and an authoritarian version of utopia.  Protection of the sick and the weak is what makes society what it is. It’s where we derive compassion and understand unconditional love.  Improvement through change can be made, but costs and tradeoffs are always present.  Abandoning love of life with both its strengths and weaknesses, and replacing it with economic or socially engineered efficiency and design, ultimately becomes oppressive and totalitarian.  Oh what the hell, hand me the Jack Daniels, I’ve had enough of this shit for one day.”

Curves that hurt

Curves that hurt

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday, that a Swedish woman injured in a car accident has had her disability benefits withdrawn after the country’s social insurance agency determined her large bust was to blame for the pain. “My breasts have been large since I got them. But I didn’t have any problems with pain before the car accident,” Jessica Andersson said. Andersson learned last week that the Swedish Social Insurance Agency was cancelling disability payments for whiplash injuries she suffered in a car accident six years ago. The agency’s decision comes following an assessment from a doctor suggesting that Andersson could return to work if she had breast reduction surgery. Andersson is currently considering an appeal of the ruling to have her payments withdrawn. No word on whether she got her boobs naturally or from a rogue clinic, but sometimes personal change, just like society’s, hurts as much as it helps.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Animal-Human Embryos OK’d, Small-Chested Drivers Dodge Ban, and One Man’s Fight to Marry a Comic Book Character

United Kingdom passes law allowing creation of animal-human embryos
Vietnam suspends plan to ban small-chested drivers
Japanese man petitions government to marry comic book character
Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008
Barack Obama and John McCain

Barack Obama and John McCain

With the eyes of the United States focused on the presidential election between Barack Obama and John McCain, and talk of freedom, socialism and a brave new world swirls around citizens ankles like autumn leaves in mid-America, the rest of the world is busy hammering out the details of human-animal cloning, small chested car drivers and human-cartoon-character weddings.

The Straights Times reported last week that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos and also ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can be harvested in order to treat them. And the Times Herald-Record reported that Vietnam’s Health Ministry, facing mounting criticism, suspended a plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. Meanwhile a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to pressure the government into allowing marriages between humans and cartoon characters. While America plays politics, other global citizens stick to business.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

“If Americans had half a brain they’d know that politics and candidates are irrelevant to the future and only clones, chest-size and cartoon characters hold the keys to power and contextual bliss in the age ahead,” said Georgia O’Malley, a former French neo-Nazi and current World-Champion Stripper-Hula-Hoopist.  “Until I won the Stripper Hula-Hoop championship after getting silicon implants, marrying a Superman comic book and cloning myself for future parts, my life had little meaning and was boring to boot.  But now I’m a winner, I’ve got a new me growing for parts in Britain and I have a chest that gives me the right to drive in Vietnam.  I can read my husband like the comic book he is, and have renewed freedom and confidence in a worldwide spiritual awakening lead by Barack Obama.  It’s true that I still can’t find my socks and forget my own name occasionally, but that’s only jet-lag because I’m a futuristic babe on course to vote for the next U.S. president in Ohio.  Thanks to ACORN, it works for all of us, no matter who we are or where we’re from.”

Not everyone has a clue as to what O’Malley is talking about.  “You can toy with silicon and play with your genes, even marry a comic-book character in some countries, but when it comes down to ones right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, you’d better show up and fight for it politically or your genes won’t be your own, and no comic book hero will save you, regardless of your silicon based cup size,” said Sally Anne Armstrong, a free-love, equal-rights, NRA member, who values the rights granted her in the U.S. Constitution above income redistribution and equality derived by crushing those better off than she is.  “I don’t cling to god and guns like some folks do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support the Christian-Judeo foundation of government practiced by the U.S. which has provided the safest, strongest, most robust economy and freest nation in the history of the world.  I’m not tossing that overboard gambling that we can elect any form of government and it’ll be okay.  When in doubt I stick to the fundamentals.  And there’s plenty to be in doubt about these days.”

The Straights Times reported that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos for medical research, in the biggest shake-up of embryology laws in two decades. The wide-ranging Bill, which has been debated for months, would also allow ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can help treat them. In addition, it gives lesbians and single women easier access to in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment by removing requirements for clinics to consider a child’s need for a father. The new law comes amid an ongoing race by the medical research community to find a way to grow stem cells, which have the potential to develop into any of the body’s cell types. Opponents of Britain’s proposed law warn that the easing of laws on creating embryos could lead to the genetic engineering of human beings, with religious groups calling it the next step on a ‘slippery slope’. The landmark Commons vote makes Britain one of the handful of countries in the world to encourage such ground-breaking research. Hybrids, or ‘admixed embryos’, are banned in at least 21 countries.

No one stops her from driving.

No one stops her from driving.

The Times Herald-Record reported that faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam’s Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes – as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds). When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts. Thursday’s state-run Tuoi Tre newspaper quoted ministry official Nguyen Huy Quang as saying the proposal would be suspended.

Australia’s News.com reported that a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the “two-dimensional world”. Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters. Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures. “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he wrote. “However, that seems impossible with present-day technology. Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?” Japan only permits marriage between human men and women and gives no legal recognition to same-sex relationships. Some people say that once Barack Obama is president of the world, all forms of reality will be replaced by legalized relativity, finally freeing everyone to be or not to be, and giving others the same freedom to ignore or embrace those claims, as long as they give all forms of control and capital to the new Administration.

Is perception really reality?

Is perception really reality?

“We’ve known for some time that all reality is simply perception and that limits of law and nature exist only because they’re allowed to by the bourgeoisie,” said new world citizen Humphrey Zardoz, a former new age Missourian, busy shedding the last vestiges of human limitation and his tight underwear.  “In the future there will be no haves or have-nots, no humans or animals, no planet or stars, all is one and we share life and plasma and energy.  We’ll share the parts of our unborn, grown for the occasion.  We’ll marry cartoons and engage in new laws based on chest size.  Chaos and fun will be the rule of the day and it’ll be great until the cows come home — and they usually do.  Some asshole with a nuke will decide what we do and issue a lock-down and make authoritarian statements backed by crabby people with guns and explosives.  Those idiots always show up and the next thing you know civilization is struggling for freedom and equality again.  But what the hey, the world has gone for centuries under god-less terrors and North America has dodged damn near all of that.  It’s about time the freedom lovers of America loose their luster and live in the ethical swap of relativism and find out whether the good-old-days really were. Let nothing stand in the way of our behaving as though we’re gods and see what happens.  It’s worth the gamble.  Let’er rip!”

New reality?

New reality?

In other news, Reuters reported last week that an al Qaeda leader has called for President George W. Bush and the Republicans to be “humiliated,” without endorsing a party in the upcoming U.S. presidential election, according to an Internet video posting. Militant postings on al Qaeda-linked websites have been debating the outcome of an Obama election with some forecasting a racial crisis dividing the United States if he wins. Others say his planned withdrawal from Iraq would be a boon to al Qaeda’s affiliate and give it a base for Middle East expansion. No word on whether al Qaeda plans to begin cloning suicide bombers in British Petri dishes or switch from forcing Muslim girls into arranged marriages with old men to cartoon characters instead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Woman Gives Birth to Grandchildren; Blondes are Good Girlfriends, Brunettes Better Wives

Ohio woman becomes grandmother by giving birth to her own grandchildren
Survey shows blondes are best girlfriends, but brunettes’ best to settle down with

Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008

UK’s Metro reported last week that a 56-year-old Ohio woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her grandchildren.  And the UK Telegraph reported last week that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for marrying. Pundits are debating whether hair color or embryo implantation will drive the future of women in the new age.

“I think people will be giving birth to their own parents in the years ahead, what with cloning going full force and genetic modification becoming as easy as dying your hair,” said Laurie Loose-Labia, a practical nurse and voluntary hostage at the Hapless Tiger Lounge for Sadomasochists.  “I’m just a nurse and non-profit volunteer but I understand enough about science and current trends to know that it won’t be long before the combination of cloning, in vitro implantation and self-hypnosis will drive the majority of human reproduction and Tupper Ware party activity in this country.”

Not so good wife?

Not so good wife?

Not everyone agrees with Loose-Labia.  “We won’t be going much farther down the science fiction reality show before we pull back and get into serious old-school reproduction and honest hair color, like nature intended,” said Mary Soho-Cupcake, a hunting party guide known to be both hard and soft, and in all the right places.  “I’m no quasi intellectual Kafkaesque pheasant hunter, but I can tell you that there are dark places in the psyche that modern science is taking us into, and we’d darn well better turn around before we get lost in there.  Stick to old style sex, normal hair color and only shoot stuff you want dead.  Don’t pretend you can mix and match genes and bodies like so much Lego.  We’re playing with fire kids.  Some body’s going to get burned.  Watch out its not you.”

The UK Metro reported that Jaci Dalenberg, 56, from Ohio USA, carried two identical twins and their sister, as a surrogate mother for her daughter Kim Coseno and her husband. The woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her own grandchildren. The 56-year-old gave birth to triplets by having IVF, and embryos implanted into her uterus. The twins and their sister were two-months premature and all four are said to be doing fine. Jaci is said to have offered her service after her daughter was waiting to adopt with her husband.

The UK Telegraph reported that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for settling down with. Almost one in five say blondes are sexier than other girls; with just under half saying they had more outgoing personalities. When it comes to marriage, however, more than half said they would rather wed a dark-haired woman because they were more dependable and sensible. Out of a poll of 3,000 men, almost half said dark-haired women were the most loving. Men also felt brunettes were the best homemakers with 51 per cent thinking they were best at organizing the home, while 48 per cent thought they were the best cooks. Some people say that over-weight women are the best at everything, regardless their hair color or desire to toy with genetics.

Good at everything.

Good at everything.

“You can’t judge a woman by the color of her hair or whether she claims to be willing to give birth to her own grandchildren.  What’s the most important is whether she’s a bit on the chubby side ‘cause then she’ll have sex with you,” said Mr. McGee, some guy who wandered in off the street carrying a copy of the Rocky Mountain News.  “It says right here that overweight females have more sex, and it’s obvious that they do plenty of grocery shopping and cooking – all of which are darned important. According to an award winning study at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ annual meeting, 92 percent of overweight women have had sexual intercourse while only 87 percent of normal body weight women have.  It just goes to show you that hair color and in vitro fertilization aren’t everything.”

Twinkie

Twinkie

In other news, CNN reported yesterday that Hostess Twinkies are becoming the latest product remade and repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs, a product some analysts say could do well given that more people are packing their own lunches in the slumping economy. The maker of the golden yellow, creme-filled cake launched “Twinkie Bites” nationwide in stores on Monday. It’s also introducing a snack pack featuring strawberry cupcakes as it extends the 100-calorie pack line originally aimed at women who wanted to snack more sensibly. No word on how the Hostess people feel about the sex habits or hair color of women, but a Twinkies sales boost would come at an opportune time for Interstate Bakeries, as it seeks creditor approval of a plan that would allow the Kansas City-based company to exit more than four years of bankruptcy.

(C) InebriatedPress.com

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Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Japanese weight loss service provides nagging virtual wife
Woman arrested for hacking online game to kill virtual husband
Iran announces support for Barack Obama presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 27, 2008

Gizmodo reported last week that a new Japanese service provides a virtual wife that emails you each day, and nags you to stick to your weight loss plan. And Wired reported last week that a 43-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into an online game where she killed her once-virtual husband. Meanwhile, Y-Netnews reported last week that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year because he’s “more rational”. Pundits debate the benefits of fake reality and Iran’s definition of “rational.”

“I have to believe that the rantings of Iranian President Ahmadinejad about wiping Israel off the face of the earth, and his claims that the Jewish Holocaust never happened, are part of the Iranian definition of ‘rational’; and since these guys think Obama would be the best president for the U.S. because he has the same kind of ‘rational’ they have, I’m voting for McCain on that basis alone,” said Sane Persson, a regular American taxpayer clinging to god and guns while praying for the return of common sense to U.S. government. “I mean, let’s think about this for a second. The people who hate us the most are calling a first term junior senator with zero foreign policy experience the guy who should be running our country. If we miss the real meaning behind that statement, all we’ll have left is a virtual hope for a saving change. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

Not everyone agrees with Sane Persson. “It’s important that the U.S. elects someone who will engage with terrorists and America-hating leaders in order to learn what they want us to change into so they’ll like us better, and Obama’s the man because he gets along fine with America-haters in this country — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan — and a host of others,” said Dimm Bulbb, an unemployed Democrat with a journalism degree, who looks to make out big in an Obama presidency and finally move out of his parents basement. “John McCain can’t do it because he doesn’t get along with people who oppress others; his stint in Vietnam proves that. He could have given in and went along with his captors but he refused. And his running mate Sarah Palin, she can’t do it, because she reformed her own Party in Alaska, cut government expenses and taxes, while increasing state oil revenues by negotiating with the big oil companies. She’d never bend to the will of OPEC or let pork-barrel spending go on unabated. Nope, McCain and Palin are not suited for D.C. Barack is our man, and with Biden routinely predicting future disasters ahead of time, we’ll always be able to see terrible shit coming. In fact a Democrat White House plus both Houses of Congress guarantees it. I’m feeling more confident in the future all the time!”

Y-Netnews reported that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Wednesday that Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year. “We are leaning more in favor of Barack Obama because he is more flexible and rational, even though we know American policy will not change that much,” Larijani said at a press conference during a visit to Bahrain. Larijani, a leading figure in the conservative camp in Iran, also said the United States was too busy dealing with the global financial crisis to consider waging an attack on Iran. “The risk was low before,” he said. “But now I am 100% certain that the United States will not unleash a war against Iran. The economic crisis has cost the United States $1.4 trillion and Washington is working to resolve its internal problems and not a war.”

Gizmodo reported that lonely Japanese fatties now have a new way to make themselves lose weight: a virtual nagging wife. Metaboinfo.com allows you to set up a weight loss plan, then assign one of four “wives” (aid, businesswoman, nurse or salon worker) to email you on a daily basis. Depending on whether you’re ahead or behind the curve, you’ll get nice or super annoying email customized for your current status. This reminds us a lot of the Japanese DVD that teaches you confidence by having women stare at you for an hour and a half. Oh, Japan!

Wired reported that a 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said. Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder. According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.” The hacking allegation carries a maximum five-year prison term. Some people say that the woman — as well as Al Qaeda, Hamas, Iran, North Korea and Russia — are only bad in a virtual way, and are not dangerous in reality.

“The idea that there are any really bad people, organizations or countries is just a virtual concept being purported by those who want military money to spend on gadgets and gizmos and want American’s to be placated and docile and do whatever they’re told,” said someone claiming to be Michael Moore, a movie maker and secret MENSA member, whose giant brain is housed in a giant body and is mostly intellectual blubber. “The day America completely adopts a socialist system with Cuban healthcare, Venezuelan management-style and Russian-Iranian attitudes about freedom, is the day Utopia comes to set us free. Now if I could get that damn nagging virtual wife to get off my ass about my weight I’d really be happy about how things are going. If she keeps this up I may have to get that Palin email hacker to take the bitch out.”

In other news, WTAE Pittsburg reported that two men stole a purse from an unlocked car in Westmoreland County and went on a shopping spree at a porn store. The article said that after taking the purse the suspects entered the Novelties and Gifts Adult Book Store on Route 22 near Blairsville, Indiana County, where police say they purchased about $200 worth of pornographic materials using one of the stolen credit cards. No word on whether the thieves like real or virtual sex, but if Obama gets his way crime will almost certainly go down, because he’ll give these guys your money to buy porn with. Peace and happiness isn’t just for the Iranians anymore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Bin Laden Likes Hugs, Chemicals Erase Memories and The Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll Arrives

Camp-mate Says al-Qaeda Leader Likes Hugs, Not Kisses
Researchers Find Chemical That Erases Selective Memories
The New Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll by Topco

Inebriated Press
October 24, 2008

The Association of American Publishers (AAP), reported Wednesday that an Australian man currently on trial for receiving funds from al Qaeda, said that at an Afghan training camp where he met Osama bin Laden in 2001, the terrorist was polite and shy, he liked hugs but wasn’t fond of kissing. And Gizmodo reported Wednesday that researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories. Meanwhile, Topco Sales announced it’s newest product: the Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll. Pundits debate the benefits of hugging a real terrorist or fake woman, while some just want to forget everything and move on.

Sarah Palin, or not.

Sarah Palin, or not.

“The world has become a tabloid theme-park where ‘surreal’ is as natural as dirt, rocks and Democratic tax hikes,” said Babs Masterson, a western gal who wears a Colt 45, drinks Colt 45 and dates a guy named Colt who just turned 45. “Nothing is surprising anymore except surprise itself. Whatever that means. Listen, things have become so whacked up in America that somebody told me the other day that a junior Senator with no experience may be elected the president. I think they’re full of shit; no way people are that crazy. Still, the trends point to consistent weirdness punctuated by moments of real stupidity. I’m going to find the chemical that erases memories. Colt 45 does pretty good on the short term stuff, but I may have to block out the next four years altogether.”

Not everyone sees it the way Masterson does. “It’s comforting to know that bin Laden likes hugs and that I can order a blow-up doll of Sarah Palin to snuggle with,” said someone claiming to be Senate majority leader Harry Reid, as he sat contemplating the use of mind altering chemicals to make Americans forget Democrat tax relief promises, Barack Obama’s anti-American friends and Nancy Pelosi’s latest face-lift. “Anybody who likes hugs can’t be all bad, and when Barack sits down with bin Laden and Iran’s Ahmadinejad and chats about his plans to change America, I’ll bet they’ll be hugging and singing together like they were at a slumber party. Speaking of slumber parties, boy oh boy that Palin is one hot babe. I’m ordering a couple of those blow-up dolls so I’ll have extra. Bill Clinton asked me to get a couple for him too but not say anything to Hillary. She’d be pissed. But so what, she’s always pissed.”

AAP reported that Jack Thomas, a 35-year-old Melbourne man was at an old military camp in Afghanistan, where he got close enough to bin Laden to observe that the al-Qaeda leader was polite and shy, didn’t mind a hug, but wasn’t so fond of kissing. Thomas, from Werribee, Australia is standing trial for receiving funds from al-Qaeda and possessing a falsified passport. “He was definitely well loved,” Thomas said of Bin laden in an interview with Australian TV network ABC which was played in court last week. “(He) was very polite and humble and shy. He didn’t like too many kisses. He didn’t mind being hugged, but kisses he didn’t like.”

Huggable?

Huggable?

The report said the former Melbourne taxi driver revealed the insights into the goings-on at the al-Farouk camp, an al-Qaeda training base in Afghanistan before the September 11 attacks, in two interviews for the ABC current affairs programme Four Corners. In the interview, the Muslim convert said at the camp he felt “like a king, Robin Hood, as part of a band of merry men”.

Gizmodo reported that eerily similar to the memory-erasing concepts in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories, which could be useful in treating people with severe phobias or post-traumatic stress disorders. However, although these tests have been producing amazing results in mice brains, human memories are so much more complex that it could still be a while before you can forget that time you pissed your pants while giving your Abraham Lincoln presentation in the second grade, and Helen Vanderly, the cutest girl at school, pointed and laughed at you.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Technology Review said that for more than two decades, researchers have been studying the chemical–a protein called alpha-CaM kinase II–for its role in learning and memory consolidation. To better understand the protein, a few years ago, Joe Tsien, a neurobiologist at the Medical College of Georgia, in Augusta created a mouse in which he could activate or inhibit sensitivity to alpha-CaM kinase II. Tsien found that when the mice recalled long-term memories while the protein was overexpressed in their brains, the combination appeared to selectively delete those memories. “One thing that we’re really intrigued by is that this is a selective erasure,” Tsien says. “We know that erasure occurred very quickly, and was initiated by the recall itself.” Some people say memories of the past are the keys to the future.

“I remember when Reagan told the Ruskies to tear down the Berlin wall, and initiated the so called ‘Star Wars program’, and the Democrats called him a warmonger and a danger to the world; but the wall came down and the USSR collapsed,” said Clint Freman, a regular guy with no distinguishing features other than a few scars from Nam, who works hard to support his family, pay his taxes and occasionally grapples to control his pro-American tendencies. “I also remember Bill Clinton promising tax relief as a candidate and hiking taxes as president, and Jimmy Carter flummoxed on Iran and Reagan the candidate telling the Iranians to straighten up or there’d be hell to pay when he took office – and they did in Carters last couple days in office. You get peace through strength not fireside chats, even Teddy Roosevelt said ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’. We can pretend that socialism is okay and that the peaceniks who bombed the Pentagon were right, and that if we stop helping others fight for freedom it’ll make tyrants like us; but we’d be idiots. Sometimes it’s good to stop a moment and realize that for all of Americas blemishes, we’ve done more good for the people of this world in our short history, than all the promising dictators and socialists have ever done. We should think really hard before deciding to ‘change.’ Even hopeful change born by nice looking people with nice sounding words can be bad. No amount of chemicals will make me think America is bad. I have too many memories of the United States doing the right thing to forget them all without losing myself entirely. Now go vote for the war hero you candy asses.”

Not Sarah Palin

Not Sarah Palin

In related news, Topco Sales introduced an inflatable sex doll dubbed ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ just in time for the hot and heavy presidential election. Soon to be available in stores and online, the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ is sure to liven up any town hall meeting, vice presidential debate, or caribou hunting party. The PR piece says: “Sarah Palin is one hot pundit! Sarah Palin bikini photos and sexy pictures of the republican vice presidential candidate are steaming up the Internet. With that in mind, we here at Topco Sales wanted to give the public a piece of the beauty pageant queen in time for the erection…I mean election,” says Autumn O’Bryan, Director of Product Development for Topco Sales. “This blow-up sex doll could really satisfy the swing voters.” Novelty distributors are urged to contact their Topco Sales account executive to order the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’, found under the TLC line of products. No word on if alpha-CaM kinase II is included so you can erase embarrassing moments when you’re caught playing with the doll, but we can hope.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Decriminalizing Prostitution, ‘No God’ slogans, and U.S. Suicide Rate Rising

San Francisco to vote this fall on decriminalizing prostitution
U.K. buses to carry “There’s probably no God” signs
Suicide rate leaps higher for U.S. middle-aged white men

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2008

CBS 13 Sacramento reported Tuesday that San Francisco will become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters approve Proposition K next month.  And BBC News reported Tuesday that the British Humanist Association, with matching funds from atheist Professor Richard Dawkins, are funding posters on the sides of buses reading “There’s probably no God”.  Meanwhile, Bloomberg reported the same day, that U.S. suicide rates are climbing, fueled by a 17 percent rise among middle-aged white guys.  Pundits are debating why men would be killing themselves when President Obama will be mailing them checks to pay for legal hookers this coming February, and god is no longer around to blame them for stuff.

San Francisco Entrepreneur

San Francisco Entrepreneur

“There is no reason for middle-aged white guys to be taking themselves out when prostitution is about to be legalized, Barack is going to send them checks for not working, and the Obama administration is going to have modern terrorists like Bin Laden and old 1960’s traditional terrorists like Bill Ayers all under his thumb,” said Zesty Fremale-Uplift, a rebuilt blonde bombshell, currently working at the Starlite Motor Lodge and Strip Club.  “And the bus sign’s saying that there’s no god should only encourage them, knowing that nobody is out there saying that what they do is wrong.  The years ahead will be ones of so much freedom and limited restraint that almost anything will go — except old fashioned ethics and stodgy concepts like personal responsibility.  It’s high time those are tossed out the window anyway and in a few months they will be.  Finally most of the income I make moonlighting will be legal!”

Freedom from god & responsibility

Freedom from god & responsibility

Not everyone is as comfortable with the future as Fremale-Uplift.  “The current polls show that Obama will win the presidency with socialist values, an anti-American support group and the Marxist tactics of intimidation.  Old traditional white guys are realizing that their era is formally at an end, and they’re killing themselves now rather than waiting,” said Jon Doe, a boring middle aged white guy, whose small company provides jobs for fifteen American taxpayers of all kinds, at least for now.  “Traditional values like working hard to earn a living and investing the money you can save, taking personal responsibility for yourself and your family, going to church and supporting faith-based missions, these are all going to be replaced by social systems built and run by people like Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Nancy Pelosi and George Soros.  Being able to get a hooker legally just doesn’t replace the feeling of accomplishment that hard working guys get when they build up America and it’s economic and military prowess.  I’m not saying that people of other sexes and colors didn’t help to build our country, but since everybody blames us white guys for the problems and want us gone, I guess we’re going.  Some of us see no place for ourselves in the future other than to provide backbone and cash for the Obama administration to take and use whatever way they want.  Some of us would rather be dead than be part of that.”

CBS 13 Sacramento reported that in San Francisco, a live-and-let-live town, where medical marijuana clubs do business next to grocery stores and an annual fair celebrates sadomasochism, prostitutes could soon walk the streets without fear of arrest. San Francisco would become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters next month approve Proposition K — a measure that forbids local authorities from investigating, arresting or prosecuting anyone for selling sex. The ballot question technically would not legalize prostitution since state law still prohibits it, but the measure would eliminate the power of local law enforcement officials to go after prostitutes. “It will allow workers to organize for our rights and for our safety,” said Patricia West, 22, who said she has been selling sex for about a year by placing ads on the Internet. She moved to San Francisco in May from Texas to work on Proposition K.
 
BBC News reported that buses with the slogan “There’s probably no God” could soon be running on the streets of London. The atheist posters are the idea of the British Humanist Association (BHA) and have been supported by prominent atheist Professor Richard Dawkins. The BHA planned only to raise £5,500, which was to be matched by Professor Dawkins, but it has now raised more than £36,000 of its own accord. It aims to have two sets of 30 buses carrying the signs for four weeks. The complete slogan reads: “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” Hanne Stinson, chief executive of the BHA, said: “We see so many posters advertising salvation through Jesus or threatening us with eternal damnation, that I feel sure that a bus advert like this will be welcomed as a breath of fresh air.”

Bloomberg reported that the suicide rate in the U.S. rose from 1999 to 2005, the first increase after a decline of more than a decade, fueled by a 17 percent rise among middle-aged whites, researchers reported. Rates of suicide declined slightly among blacks and Asians of all ages, as well as among white teenagers and adults younger than 40. The number of white people ages 40 to 64 who took their own lives increased, to 17.5 for every 100,000 people in 2005 from 14.9 per 100,000 in 1999. Men continue to kill themselves at more than three times the rate of women, a ratio that changed little in the six years examined. “I don’t know what’s going on with this age group,” said Susan Baker, a professor at the Center for Injury Research and Policy at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, who led the analysis, which was published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Baker said she was worried and that “the trend may continue or get worse.” Some people say its natural selection’s finest hour.

“Typically a species or sub-class on the decline will fail to reproduce, get weak and die, or just start to disappear, but it’s an interesting phenomenon that American middle-aged white males are exterminating themselves,” said social anthropologist and Darwinian poet, Janelle Jiffy-Lubbe, as she sat contemplating human reproduction through cellular division and petroleum byproducts.  “I think it represents a rapid advancement of Darwinian Theory in that it displays an intellectual approach to sub-species elimination, through self-deletion.  Instead of worrying about it, we should be celebrating it.  Of course they’ve been a very productive group and are responsible for the U.S. Constitution, but that’s in need of changing anyway.  They were good in their day, but their day is over.  Nothing to see here folks, move along.”

UK hooker, the early years.

UK hooker, the early years.

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Tuesday that the mother of a 13-year-old girl rewards her behavior by giving her cigarettes. “If I ground her, I’m just punishing myself because I have to put up with her in the house. Instead, I reward her good behavior by giving her cigarettes. If she’s bad, she goes without,” said Tracy Holt, the girls’ mother. “Giving out cigarettes as a reward works.” Holt, 43, knows her daughter Sam also drinks but is just relieved that it’s not more than a couple of cans of lager a night. And she decided not to get angry about her daughter losing her virginity at 12, instead insisting that Sam uses contraception. Sam admits having had four sexual partners in less than a year but said: “I only sleep with boyfriends.” The teenager claims being given cigarettes for her 15-a-day habit has helped her behavior. “If Mum tells me to tidy my room, I ignore her but if she offers me a fag, I do it.” No word on whether Sam plans to move to San Francisco where she can get both cigarettes and cash for plying a sex trade, or if she’ll stay in the U.K. and give out sex for free, but have the buses to remind her that “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Coffee Reduces Breast Size, New Airport X-rays Show You Naked

Study says java shrinks boobs
New airport scanners see ‘private parts’

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2008

UPI reported this week that a Swedish researcher has discovered drinking lots of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.  And UPI reported last week that new X-ray scanners being tested at a Melbourne, Australia airport are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers.  Pundits are debating why the Aussies and Swede’s don’t just hook-up and give airline passengers mamograms as a free bonus for putting up with bad airline service.

With or without coffee?

With or without coffee?

“It’s well known that business women who have to travel a lot don’t have time for routine mamograms or chest x-rays, and the airlines would be doing a real service for passengers by having a doctor on hand to review the scans and provide a health report to women when they get off the plane at their destination,” said Peggy Wite-Socks, a hard working business-class woman from Chicago, and a depressed baseball fan.  “The economy is soft, the lines at airports are long, and I know I’m stressed-out more than usual.  The least the airlines could do is provide a benefit to me for all the x-rays they’re pumping through my body while they look for weapons of mass distruction in my crotch and cleavage.  It’s bad enough my breasts are shrinking because of all the coffee I’ve been draining trying to get through a hectic day.  Now I’ve got government-sanctioned peeping Tom’s looking at my boobs and winking at me, but not helping me an ounce.  Let’s get an airline-government healthcare combo going.  The machines are already checking me out.  Get some eyes on them that can do me some good.”

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Not everyone agrees with Wite-Socks.  “There’s always next year, and the economy will be better, terrorists will be at bay, the Sox will be winning, and thinking about our health will be put-off to go to the beach,” said Misty Rae-Tampa, a exuberant college vollyball coach, who’s cup size has gone up despite pounding caffine drinks, because her local silicon specialist gave her a great deal.  “This x-ray stuff at airports is getting out of hand and has to be reined in.  Talk about a lack of privacy!  Now they can see me nude … my current date hasn’t seen me nude and I’ve known him a month.  These airport people I’ve never met and they’re seeing me from angles I’ve never seen me from.  This stuff is really creeping me out.  It’s past the point of right or wrong and ventured into the weird and the twisted. Com’on Joe tell me it’s not so!”

UPI reported that drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts, according to a Swedish researcher. Helena Jernstrom, an oncologist at Lund University in southern Sweden, said that the effect is the result of a gene that about half of women possess. “Drinking coffee can have a major effect on breast size,” Jernstrom said. Jernstrom became interested in the subject because of research that has shown that large-breasted women are more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer, while downing at least three cups of coffee a day reduces cancer risk. She decided to look for a correlation directly between drinking coffee and breast size and found one. Her study tracked 270 women. Jernstrom’s results were published in the British Journal of Cancer.

UPI reported that new X-ray scanners being field tested at Melbourne Airport in Australia are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers, according to Cheryl Johnson, general manager of the Office of Transport Security. The scanners are to be used on domestic passengers at the Airport for the next six weeks.  Johnson said the scanners can see right through clothing to the “genitals and breasts (of passengers) while they’re going through the machine”. However, she said “the faces are automatically blurred” by the machines. “It will show the private parts of people, but what we’ve decided is that we’re not going to blur those out, because it severely limits the detection capabilities,” Johnson said. Some people say privacy is an illusion and that relationships, just like the markets, are better when they are completely transparent.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

“Too often people we meet are hiding behind a fasade designed to deceive and even mislead,” said Ralph Nader, a blemished in-your-face environmentalist and corporate greed hater, who hides nothing from anyone and often disgusts people he meets in saunas.  “We need market transparency, we need corporate transparency, we need to see people naked whenever we want and not just on the Internet.  I want what I want and so does everybody else, they just mistake what they want for something different than what I want.  If folks would get to wanting what I do, we’d solve a lot of big problems in society that’s for darn sure.  What did you say your name was again?”

In other news, The West Virginia Record reported last Friday that a Fairmont woman has filed suit against a Morgantown company, claiming one of its employees masturbated in front of her after offering her a job. Heather Kelly claims she could not take the job because of the conduct of the employee for Worldwide Industrial Services. Kelly interviewed with Richard See for an office position with Worldwide according to a complaint filed Oct. 1 in Monongalia Circuit Court. After a 30-minute interview, See offered her the job on the condition that he could take a picture of her breasts, the suit states. Kelly claims she was shocked, embarrassed and humiliated and began to gather her belongings to leave. As she was leaving, See told her that the job paid $300 per week and would be worth a quick picture of her breasts, then asked if he could at least touch one of them, according to the complaint. No word on whether See plans to go to work for airport security so he can check out womens’ breasts and grope them in the line-of-duty, but odds are good it’s his next job. The guy’s a natural.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Biden Admits We’re Screwed if Obama Wins; ‘The Joy of Sex’ Revised

VP Candidate Says Expect Barack to Mess Up First Crisis
Publisher Updates Classic Book “The Joy of Sex”

Inebriated Press
October 22, 2008

Fox News reported on Monday that Democrat vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, speaking in Seattle on Sunday, said that the world wants to test his running mate Barack Obama, and he guarantees an international crisis will occur within the first six months of an Obama presidency.  Biden said we shouldn’t expect it to work out well.  AOL News headlined their article “Biden: Obama Will Fumble First Crisis.”  Meanwhile, as if on queue, The Boston Globe reported Sunday that the famous sex manual, The “Joy of Sex”, is being revised for the 21st century.  Pundits debate the finer techniques of being screwed by people who hate America, presidential candidates who admit they’re going to do it to us, and voters who do it to themselves as a matter of choice.

“People who elect first-term Senators who say they’ll have unconditional talks with terrorists who have said they want to wipe us and our allies off the face of the earth, and candidates that go on to say that as a matter of fiscal policy they intend to take money from those who earn it and give it unconditionally to those who don’t, get exactly what they deserve,” said Helga Schumacher-BMW, a blonde high-performance German-American woman, who recalls that Germany elected Adolph Hitler of their own free will, and then lived the adventure.  “Barack Obama has surrounded himself with anti-Americans and has outlined a socialist financial plan and both he and his running mate have been completely wrong on how to handle dictators and international crisis.  Yet Obama leads in the polls because he’s charismatic and sounds encouraging when he tells us crazy shit.  It’s the same stuff the German’s fell for only in a different time, but with a charismatic leader and repackaged dialectics.  If Americans refuse to learn from history, they’ll relive it.  And it won’t be pretty.  Better buy a new copy of The Joy of Sex.  Surviving, thriving and maybe even having a good time getting screwed is all about positioning – better learn the most comfortable angles.”

Not everyone agrees with Schumacher-BMW.  “The crazies who are out running around slamming Obama are just lunatics trying to confuse the voters so they don’t realize that the Democrats are the honest candidates,” said Nifty Perelman, a biped of questionable origin, whose insights are often tinged with lubricant.  “The Obama-Biden team is wide open about the disaster that’s coming internationally because of them, and the income redistribution plans that they intend to implement.  The reality is, hard working Americans want to have the government take their money and give it to others who can’t earn much because they’re on drugs or are too lazy to get an education.  It’s neighborly.  Never mind that conservatives give more money and time to charity than liberals do already, and that liberals tend to have a lot of guilt when they have success but will only share their wealth if they’re forced to.  And let’s face it, Hitler did a great job of organizing communities and really got the country pulling together in one direction.  Adolph got a bad rap when you get right down to it.”

Fox News reported Joe Biden warned that Barack Obama will face an international crisis early in his presidency, fueling Republican charges that the Democratic presidential candidate’s own running mate admits Obama is a blank slate in the face of coming national security threats. Speaking in Seattle on Sunday, Biden said he could guarantee that the world will want to find out if Obama is up to the job, which he assured voters he is. “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama. The world is looking,” Biden said. “Remember I said it standing here. If you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he’s gonna have to make some really tough — I don’t know what the decision’s gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. I guarantee you it’s gonna happen.” The McCain campaign jumped on Biden’s remarks, saying the next president “won’t have time to get used to the office.” But Democratic aides said that Biden was merely reciting history and assuring supporters that Obama is the man for the job.

AOL News quoted Biden: “I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where [the crisis] might originate. And [Obama is] gonna need help. And the kind of help he’s gonna need is, he’s gonna need you – not financially to help him – we’re gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it’s not gonna be apparent initially, it’s not gonna be apparent that we’re right. There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, ‘Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don’t know about that decision.’ Because if you think the decision is sound when they’re made, which I believe you will when they’re made, they’re not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they’re popular, they’re probably not sound.”

The Boston Globe reported that in early 2009 a completely remodeled version of “The Joy of Sex” will be published. This time around, the book will speak to women, too. Susan Quilliam – a British sexpert, advice columnist, and relationship coach – has been put in charge of striking out old-fashioned prose and updating the scientific claims. It’s a daunting task: Quilliam has had to rethink “Sex” for the 21st century. She said the Japanese have a term – pillow book. It means a book to inform and inspire. And Quilliam said she was keen that the new version be a pillow book, and that it was something you could look through and get aroused by, as well as read. She said the book would be beautiful and luxurious.  Some people say that sex and violence is what it takes to make the world go ’round and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

“Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that sadomasochistic Nazi machine-gun sex and whipping plus quasi-Islamofascist female slavery and sex trade is where we’re headed under an O-Biden administration, but you have to admit it does sound kind of exciting, especially with all the economic money redistribution overtones and the need for a bigger underground economy,” said someone claiming to be Tony Rezko, an experienced Chicago entrepreneur always on the lookout for new business opportunities.  “People shouldn’t overlook the possibilities for franchising, tax collection and illegal tax havens.  Heck, Syrians like me thrive on this stuff.  It’s all about embracing the future and not running away from it.  American conservatives are clinging to Christian-Judeo principles too tightly.  If they don’t get with it, they’ll just get screwed without having any fun at all.  The god and gun types have a right to be uncomfortable about this.  They won’t fit in other than as fodder for the machine.  What the heck, most of them live in fly-over country anyway.  But damn that Palin is sure hot.  Wonder what it’ll take to get a piece of Sarah when her run is done?”

In other news, the UK Independent says that a herd of cows belches out more climate-changing gas than a family car. Dr Andy Thorpe, an economist at the University of Portsmouth, explained that 200 cows burp the annual amount of methane equivalent to the energy produced by a family car being driven 111,850 miles. He said solving the problem is tricky though because there could be problems with downsizing herds.  He said a reduction in meat could lead to a “disastrous” increase in demand for fish and cereals. No word on whether the revised Joy of Sex will address the problem or if Nazi’s had a cure that we just haven’t learned about.  Either way climate change will probably be the least of our worries six-months after we elect Obama president.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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