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Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Japanese weight loss service provides nagging virtual wife
Woman arrested for hacking online game to kill virtual husband
Iran announces support for Barack Obama presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 27, 2008

Gizmodo reported last week that a new Japanese service provides a virtual wife that emails you each day, and nags you to stick to your weight loss plan. And Wired reported last week that a 43-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into an online game where she killed her once-virtual husband. Meanwhile, Y-Netnews reported last week that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year because he’s “more rational”. Pundits debate the benefits of fake reality and Iran’s definition of “rational.”

“I have to believe that the rantings of Iranian President Ahmadinejad about wiping Israel off the face of the earth, and his claims that the Jewish Holocaust never happened, are part of the Iranian definition of ‘rational’; and since these guys think Obama would be the best president for the U.S. because he has the same kind of ‘rational’ they have, I’m voting for McCain on that basis alone,” said Sane Persson, a regular American taxpayer clinging to god and guns while praying for the return of common sense to U.S. government. “I mean, let’s think about this for a second. The people who hate us the most are calling a first term junior senator with zero foreign policy experience the guy who should be running our country. If we miss the real meaning behind that statement, all we’ll have left is a virtual hope for a saving change. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

Not everyone agrees with Sane Persson. “It’s important that the U.S. elects someone who will engage with terrorists and America-hating leaders in order to learn what they want us to change into so they’ll like us better, and Obama’s the man because he gets along fine with America-haters in this country — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan — and a host of others,” said Dimm Bulbb, an unemployed Democrat with a journalism degree, who looks to make out big in an Obama presidency and finally move out of his parents basement. “John McCain can’t do it because he doesn’t get along with people who oppress others; his stint in Vietnam proves that. He could have given in and went along with his captors but he refused. And his running mate Sarah Palin, she can’t do it, because she reformed her own Party in Alaska, cut government expenses and taxes, while increasing state oil revenues by negotiating with the big oil companies. She’d never bend to the will of OPEC or let pork-barrel spending go on unabated. Nope, McCain and Palin are not suited for D.C. Barack is our man, and with Biden routinely predicting future disasters ahead of time, we’ll always be able to see terrible shit coming. In fact a Democrat White House plus both Houses of Congress guarantees it. I’m feeling more confident in the future all the time!”

Y-Netnews reported that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Wednesday that Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year. “We are leaning more in favor of Barack Obama because he is more flexible and rational, even though we know American policy will not change that much,” Larijani said at a press conference during a visit to Bahrain. Larijani, a leading figure in the conservative camp in Iran, also said the United States was too busy dealing with the global financial crisis to consider waging an attack on Iran. “The risk was low before,” he said. “But now I am 100% certain that the United States will not unleash a war against Iran. The economic crisis has cost the United States $1.4 trillion and Washington is working to resolve its internal problems and not a war.”

Gizmodo reported that lonely Japanese fatties now have a new way to make themselves lose weight: a virtual nagging wife. Metaboinfo.com allows you to set up a weight loss plan, then assign one of four “wives” (aid, businesswoman, nurse or salon worker) to email you on a daily basis. Depending on whether you’re ahead or behind the curve, you’ll get nice or super annoying email customized for your current status. This reminds us a lot of the Japanese DVD that teaches you confidence by having women stare at you for an hour and a half. Oh, Japan!

Wired reported that a 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said. Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder. According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.” The hacking allegation carries a maximum five-year prison term. Some people say that the woman — as well as Al Qaeda, Hamas, Iran, North Korea and Russia — are only bad in a virtual way, and are not dangerous in reality.

“The idea that there are any really bad people, organizations or countries is just a virtual concept being purported by those who want military money to spend on gadgets and gizmos and want American’s to be placated and docile and do whatever they’re told,” said someone claiming to be Michael Moore, a movie maker and secret MENSA member, whose giant brain is housed in a giant body and is mostly intellectual blubber. “The day America completely adopts a socialist system with Cuban healthcare, Venezuelan management-style and Russian-Iranian attitudes about freedom, is the day Utopia comes to set us free. Now if I could get that damn nagging virtual wife to get off my ass about my weight I’d really be happy about how things are going. If she keeps this up I may have to get that Palin email hacker to take the bitch out.”

In other news, WTAE Pittsburg reported that two men stole a purse from an unlocked car in Westmoreland County and went on a shopping spree at a porn store. The article said that after taking the purse the suspects entered the Novelties and Gifts Adult Book Store on Route 22 near Blairsville, Indiana County, where police say they purchased about $200 worth of pornographic materials using one of the stolen credit cards. No word on whether the thieves like real or virtual sex, but if Obama gets his way crime will almost certainly go down, because he’ll give these guys your money to buy porn with. Peace and happiness isn’t just for the Iranians anymore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Bin Laden Likes Hugs, Chemicals Erase Memories and The Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll Arrives

Camp-mate Says al-Qaeda Leader Likes Hugs, Not Kisses
Researchers Find Chemical That Erases Selective Memories
The New Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll by Topco

Inebriated Press
October 24, 2008

The Association of American Publishers (AAP), reported Wednesday that an Australian man currently on trial for receiving funds from al Qaeda, said that at an Afghan training camp where he met Osama bin Laden in 2001, the terrorist was polite and shy, he liked hugs but wasn’t fond of kissing. And Gizmodo reported Wednesday that researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories. Meanwhile, Topco Sales announced it’s newest product: the Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll. Pundits debate the benefits of hugging a real terrorist or fake woman, while some just want to forget everything and move on.

Sarah Palin, or not.

Sarah Palin, or not.

“The world has become a tabloid theme-park where ‘surreal’ is as natural as dirt, rocks and Democratic tax hikes,” said Babs Masterson, a western gal who wears a Colt 45, drinks Colt 45 and dates a guy named Colt who just turned 45. “Nothing is surprising anymore except surprise itself. Whatever that means. Listen, things have become so whacked up in America that somebody told me the other day that a junior Senator with no experience may be elected the president. I think they’re full of shit; no way people are that crazy. Still, the trends point to consistent weirdness punctuated by moments of real stupidity. I’m going to find the chemical that erases memories. Colt 45 does pretty good on the short term stuff, but I may have to block out the next four years altogether.”

Not everyone sees it the way Masterson does. “It’s comforting to know that bin Laden likes hugs and that I can order a blow-up doll of Sarah Palin to snuggle with,” said someone claiming to be Senate majority leader Harry Reid, as he sat contemplating the use of mind altering chemicals to make Americans forget Democrat tax relief promises, Barack Obama’s anti-American friends and Nancy Pelosi’s latest face-lift. “Anybody who likes hugs can’t be all bad, and when Barack sits down with bin Laden and Iran’s Ahmadinejad and chats about his plans to change America, I’ll bet they’ll be hugging and singing together like they were at a slumber party. Speaking of slumber parties, boy oh boy that Palin is one hot babe. I’m ordering a couple of those blow-up dolls so I’ll have extra. Bill Clinton asked me to get a couple for him too but not say anything to Hillary. She’d be pissed. But so what, she’s always pissed.”

AAP reported that Jack Thomas, a 35-year-old Melbourne man was at an old military camp in Afghanistan, where he got close enough to bin Laden to observe that the al-Qaeda leader was polite and shy, didn’t mind a hug, but wasn’t so fond of kissing. Thomas, from Werribee, Australia is standing trial for receiving funds from al-Qaeda and possessing a falsified passport. “He was definitely well loved,” Thomas said of Bin laden in an interview with Australian TV network ABC which was played in court last week. “(He) was very polite and humble and shy. He didn’t like too many kisses. He didn’t mind being hugged, but kisses he didn’t like.”

Huggable?

Huggable?

The report said the former Melbourne taxi driver revealed the insights into the goings-on at the al-Farouk camp, an al-Qaeda training base in Afghanistan before the September 11 attacks, in two interviews for the ABC current affairs programme Four Corners. In the interview, the Muslim convert said at the camp he felt “like a king, Robin Hood, as part of a band of merry men”.

Gizmodo reported that eerily similar to the memory-erasing concepts in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories, which could be useful in treating people with severe phobias or post-traumatic stress disorders. However, although these tests have been producing amazing results in mice brains, human memories are so much more complex that it could still be a while before you can forget that time you pissed your pants while giving your Abraham Lincoln presentation in the second grade, and Helen Vanderly, the cutest girl at school, pointed and laughed at you.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Technology Review said that for more than two decades, researchers have been studying the chemical–a protein called alpha-CaM kinase II–for its role in learning and memory consolidation. To better understand the protein, a few years ago, Joe Tsien, a neurobiologist at the Medical College of Georgia, in Augusta created a mouse in which he could activate or inhibit sensitivity to alpha-CaM kinase II. Tsien found that when the mice recalled long-term memories while the protein was overexpressed in their brains, the combination appeared to selectively delete those memories. “One thing that we’re really intrigued by is that this is a selective erasure,” Tsien says. “We know that erasure occurred very quickly, and was initiated by the recall itself.” Some people say memories of the past are the keys to the future.

“I remember when Reagan told the Ruskies to tear down the Berlin wall, and initiated the so called ‘Star Wars program’, and the Democrats called him a warmonger and a danger to the world; but the wall came down and the USSR collapsed,” said Clint Freman, a regular guy with no distinguishing features other than a few scars from Nam, who works hard to support his family, pay his taxes and occasionally grapples to control his pro-American tendencies. “I also remember Bill Clinton promising tax relief as a candidate and hiking taxes as president, and Jimmy Carter flummoxed on Iran and Reagan the candidate telling the Iranians to straighten up or there’d be hell to pay when he took office – and they did in Carters last couple days in office. You get peace through strength not fireside chats, even Teddy Roosevelt said ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’. We can pretend that socialism is okay and that the peaceniks who bombed the Pentagon were right, and that if we stop helping others fight for freedom it’ll make tyrants like us; but we’d be idiots. Sometimes it’s good to stop a moment and realize that for all of Americas blemishes, we’ve done more good for the people of this world in our short history, than all the promising dictators and socialists have ever done. We should think really hard before deciding to ‘change.’ Even hopeful change born by nice looking people with nice sounding words can be bad. No amount of chemicals will make me think America is bad. I have too many memories of the United States doing the right thing to forget them all without losing myself entirely. Now go vote for the war hero you candy asses.”

Not Sarah Palin

Not Sarah Palin

In related news, Topco Sales introduced an inflatable sex doll dubbed ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ just in time for the hot and heavy presidential election. Soon to be available in stores and online, the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ is sure to liven up any town hall meeting, vice presidential debate, or caribou hunting party. The PR piece says: “Sarah Palin is one hot pundit! Sarah Palin bikini photos and sexy pictures of the republican vice presidential candidate are steaming up the Internet. With that in mind, we here at Topco Sales wanted to give the public a piece of the beauty pageant queen in time for the erection…I mean election,” says Autumn O’Bryan, Director of Product Development for Topco Sales. “This blow-up sex doll could really satisfy the swing voters.” Novelty distributors are urged to contact their Topco Sales account executive to order the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’, found under the TLC line of products. No word on if alpha-CaM kinase II is included so you can erase embarrassing moments when you’re caught playing with the doll, but we can hope.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Decriminalizing Prostitution, ‘No God’ slogans, and U.S. Suicide Rate Rising

San Francisco to vote this fall on decriminalizing prostitution
U.K. buses to carry “There’s probably no God” signs
Suicide rate leaps higher for U.S. middle-aged white men

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2008

CBS 13 Sacramento reported Tuesday that San Francisco will become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters approve Proposition K next month.  And BBC News reported Tuesday that the British Humanist Association, with matching funds from atheist Professor Richard Dawkins, are funding posters on the sides of buses reading “There’s probably no God”.  Meanwhile, Bloomberg reported the same day, that U.S. suicide rates are climbing, fueled by a 17 percent rise among middle-aged white guys.  Pundits are debating why men would be killing themselves when President Obama will be mailing them checks to pay for legal hookers this coming February, and god is no longer around to blame them for stuff.

San Francisco Entrepreneur

San Francisco Entrepreneur

“There is no reason for middle-aged white guys to be taking themselves out when prostitution is about to be legalized, Barack is going to send them checks for not working, and the Obama administration is going to have modern terrorists like Bin Laden and old 1960’s traditional terrorists like Bill Ayers all under his thumb,” said Zesty Fremale-Uplift, a rebuilt blonde bombshell, currently working at the Starlite Motor Lodge and Strip Club.  “And the bus sign’s saying that there’s no god should only encourage them, knowing that nobody is out there saying that what they do is wrong.  The years ahead will be ones of so much freedom and limited restraint that almost anything will go — except old fashioned ethics and stodgy concepts like personal responsibility.  It’s high time those are tossed out the window anyway and in a few months they will be.  Finally most of the income I make moonlighting will be legal!”

Freedom from god & responsibility

Freedom from god & responsibility

Not everyone is as comfortable with the future as Fremale-Uplift.  “The current polls show that Obama will win the presidency with socialist values, an anti-American support group and the Marxist tactics of intimidation.  Old traditional white guys are realizing that their era is formally at an end, and they’re killing themselves now rather than waiting,” said Jon Doe, a boring middle aged white guy, whose small company provides jobs for fifteen American taxpayers of all kinds, at least for now.  “Traditional values like working hard to earn a living and investing the money you can save, taking personal responsibility for yourself and your family, going to church and supporting faith-based missions, these are all going to be replaced by social systems built and run by people like Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Nancy Pelosi and George Soros.  Being able to get a hooker legally just doesn’t replace the feeling of accomplishment that hard working guys get when they build up America and it’s economic and military prowess.  I’m not saying that people of other sexes and colors didn’t help to build our country, but since everybody blames us white guys for the problems and want us gone, I guess we’re going.  Some of us see no place for ourselves in the future other than to provide backbone and cash for the Obama administration to take and use whatever way they want.  Some of us would rather be dead than be part of that.”

CBS 13 Sacramento reported that in San Francisco, a live-and-let-live town, where medical marijuana clubs do business next to grocery stores and an annual fair celebrates sadomasochism, prostitutes could soon walk the streets without fear of arrest. San Francisco would become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters next month approve Proposition K — a measure that forbids local authorities from investigating, arresting or prosecuting anyone for selling sex. The ballot question technically would not legalize prostitution since state law still prohibits it, but the measure would eliminate the power of local law enforcement officials to go after prostitutes. “It will allow workers to organize for our rights and for our safety,” said Patricia West, 22, who said she has been selling sex for about a year by placing ads on the Internet. She moved to San Francisco in May from Texas to work on Proposition K.
 
BBC News reported that buses with the slogan “There’s probably no God” could soon be running on the streets of London. The atheist posters are the idea of the British Humanist Association (BHA) and have been supported by prominent atheist Professor Richard Dawkins. The BHA planned only to raise £5,500, which was to be matched by Professor Dawkins, but it has now raised more than £36,000 of its own accord. It aims to have two sets of 30 buses carrying the signs for four weeks. The complete slogan reads: “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.” Hanne Stinson, chief executive of the BHA, said: “We see so many posters advertising salvation through Jesus or threatening us with eternal damnation, that I feel sure that a bus advert like this will be welcomed as a breath of fresh air.”

Bloomberg reported that the suicide rate in the U.S. rose from 1999 to 2005, the first increase after a decline of more than a decade, fueled by a 17 percent rise among middle-aged whites, researchers reported. Rates of suicide declined slightly among blacks and Asians of all ages, as well as among white teenagers and adults younger than 40. The number of white people ages 40 to 64 who took their own lives increased, to 17.5 for every 100,000 people in 2005 from 14.9 per 100,000 in 1999. Men continue to kill themselves at more than three times the rate of women, a ratio that changed little in the six years examined. “I don’t know what’s going on with this age group,” said Susan Baker, a professor at the Center for Injury Research and Policy at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, who led the analysis, which was published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Baker said she was worried and that “the trend may continue or get worse.” Some people say its natural selection’s finest hour.

“Typically a species or sub-class on the decline will fail to reproduce, get weak and die, or just start to disappear, but it’s an interesting phenomenon that American middle-aged white males are exterminating themselves,” said social anthropologist and Darwinian poet, Janelle Jiffy-Lubbe, as she sat contemplating human reproduction through cellular division and petroleum byproducts.  “I think it represents a rapid advancement of Darwinian Theory in that it displays an intellectual approach to sub-species elimination, through self-deletion.  Instead of worrying about it, we should be celebrating it.  Of course they’ve been a very productive group and are responsible for the U.S. Constitution, but that’s in need of changing anyway.  They were good in their day, but their day is over.  Nothing to see here folks, move along.”

UK hooker, the early years.

UK hooker, the early years.

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Tuesday that the mother of a 13-year-old girl rewards her behavior by giving her cigarettes. “If I ground her, I’m just punishing myself because I have to put up with her in the house. Instead, I reward her good behavior by giving her cigarettes. If she’s bad, she goes without,” said Tracy Holt, the girls’ mother. “Giving out cigarettes as a reward works.” Holt, 43, knows her daughter Sam also drinks but is just relieved that it’s not more than a couple of cans of lager a night. And she decided not to get angry about her daughter losing her virginity at 12, instead insisting that Sam uses contraception. Sam admits having had four sexual partners in less than a year but said: “I only sleep with boyfriends.” The teenager claims being given cigarettes for her 15-a-day habit has helped her behavior. “If Mum tells me to tidy my room, I ignore her but if she offers me a fag, I do it.” No word on whether Sam plans to move to San Francisco where she can get both cigarettes and cash for plying a sex trade, or if she’ll stay in the U.K. and give out sex for free, but have the buses to remind her that “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Coffee Reduces Breast Size, New Airport X-rays Show You Naked

Study says java shrinks boobs
New airport scanners see ‘private parts’

Inebriated Press
October 23, 2008

UPI reported this week that a Swedish researcher has discovered drinking lots of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts.  And UPI reported last week that new X-ray scanners being tested at a Melbourne, Australia airport are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers.  Pundits are debating why the Aussies and Swede’s don’t just hook-up and give airline passengers mamograms as a free bonus for putting up with bad airline service.

With or without coffee?

With or without coffee?

“It’s well known that business women who have to travel a lot don’t have time for routine mamograms or chest x-rays, and the airlines would be doing a real service for passengers by having a doctor on hand to review the scans and provide a health report to women when they get off the plane at their destination,” said Peggy Wite-Socks, a hard working business-class woman from Chicago, and a depressed baseball fan.  “The economy is soft, the lines at airports are long, and I know I’m stressed-out more than usual.  The least the airlines could do is provide a benefit to me for all the x-rays they’re pumping through my body while they look for weapons of mass distruction in my crotch and cleavage.  It’s bad enough my breasts are shrinking because of all the coffee I’ve been draining trying to get through a hectic day.  Now I’ve got government-sanctioned peeping Tom’s looking at my boobs and winking at me, but not helping me an ounce.  Let’s get an airline-government healthcare combo going.  The machines are already checking me out.  Get some eyes on them that can do me some good.”

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Traveler viewed with old school equipment.

Not everyone agrees with Wite-Socks.  “There’s always next year, and the economy will be better, terrorists will be at bay, the Sox will be winning, and thinking about our health will be put-off to go to the beach,” said Misty Rae-Tampa, a exuberant college vollyball coach, who’s cup size has gone up despite pounding caffine drinks, because her local silicon specialist gave her a great deal.  “This x-ray stuff at airports is getting out of hand and has to be reined in.  Talk about a lack of privacy!  Now they can see me nude … my current date hasn’t seen me nude and I’ve known him a month.  These airport people I’ve never met and they’re seeing me from angles I’ve never seen me from.  This stuff is really creeping me out.  It’s past the point of right or wrong and ventured into the weird and the twisted. Com’on Joe tell me it’s not so!”

UPI reported that drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of many women’s breasts, according to a Swedish researcher. Helena Jernstrom, an oncologist at Lund University in southern Sweden, said that the effect is the result of a gene that about half of women possess. “Drinking coffee can have a major effect on breast size,” Jernstrom said. Jernstrom became interested in the subject because of research that has shown that large-breasted women are more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer, while downing at least three cups of coffee a day reduces cancer risk. She decided to look for a correlation directly between drinking coffee and breast size and found one. Her study tracked 270 women. Jernstrom’s results were published in the British Journal of Cancer.

UPI reported that new X-ray scanners being field tested at Melbourne Airport in Australia are effective enough to reveal the nude bodies of travelers, according to Cheryl Johnson, general manager of the Office of Transport Security. The scanners are to be used on domestic passengers at the Airport for the next six weeks.  Johnson said the scanners can see right through clothing to the “genitals and breasts (of passengers) while they’re going through the machine”. However, she said “the faces are automatically blurred” by the machines. “It will show the private parts of people, but what we’ve decided is that we’re not going to blur those out, because it severely limits the detection capabilities,” Johnson said. Some people say privacy is an illusion and that relationships, just like the markets, are better when they are completely transparent.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

Nader, what you see is what you get.

“Too often people we meet are hiding behind a fasade designed to deceive and even mislead,” said Ralph Nader, a blemished in-your-face environmentalist and corporate greed hater, who hides nothing from anyone and often disgusts people he meets in saunas.  “We need market transparency, we need corporate transparency, we need to see people naked whenever we want and not just on the Internet.  I want what I want and so does everybody else, they just mistake what they want for something different than what I want.  If folks would get to wanting what I do, we’d solve a lot of big problems in society that’s for darn sure.  What did you say your name was again?”

In other news, The West Virginia Record reported last Friday that a Fairmont woman has filed suit against a Morgantown company, claiming one of its employees masturbated in front of her after offering her a job. Heather Kelly claims she could not take the job because of the conduct of the employee for Worldwide Industrial Services. Kelly interviewed with Richard See for an office position with Worldwide according to a complaint filed Oct. 1 in Monongalia Circuit Court. After a 30-minute interview, See offered her the job on the condition that he could take a picture of her breasts, the suit states. Kelly claims she was shocked, embarrassed and humiliated and began to gather her belongings to leave. As she was leaving, See told her that the job paid $300 per week and would be worth a quick picture of her breasts, then asked if he could at least touch one of them, according to the complaint. No word on whether See plans to go to work for airport security so he can check out womens’ breasts and grope them in the line-of-duty, but odds are good it’s his next job. The guy’s a natural.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Biden Admits We’re Screwed if Obama Wins; ‘The Joy of Sex’ Revised

VP Candidate Says Expect Barack to Mess Up First Crisis
Publisher Updates Classic Book “The Joy of Sex”

Inebriated Press
October 22, 2008

Fox News reported on Monday that Democrat vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, speaking in Seattle on Sunday, said that the world wants to test his running mate Barack Obama, and he guarantees an international crisis will occur within the first six months of an Obama presidency.  Biden said we shouldn’t expect it to work out well.  AOL News headlined their article “Biden: Obama Will Fumble First Crisis.”  Meanwhile, as if on queue, The Boston Globe reported Sunday that the famous sex manual, The “Joy of Sex”, is being revised for the 21st century.  Pundits debate the finer techniques of being screwed by people who hate America, presidential candidates who admit they’re going to do it to us, and voters who do it to themselves as a matter of choice.

“People who elect first-term Senators who say they’ll have unconditional talks with terrorists who have said they want to wipe us and our allies off the face of the earth, and candidates that go on to say that as a matter of fiscal policy they intend to take money from those who earn it and give it unconditionally to those who don’t, get exactly what they deserve,” said Helga Schumacher-BMW, a blonde high-performance German-American woman, who recalls that Germany elected Adolph Hitler of their own free will, and then lived the adventure.  “Barack Obama has surrounded himself with anti-Americans and has outlined a socialist financial plan and both he and his running mate have been completely wrong on how to handle dictators and international crisis.  Yet Obama leads in the polls because he’s charismatic and sounds encouraging when he tells us crazy shit.  It’s the same stuff the German’s fell for only in a different time, but with a charismatic leader and repackaged dialectics.  If Americans refuse to learn from history, they’ll relive it.  And it won’t be pretty.  Better buy a new copy of The Joy of Sex.  Surviving, thriving and maybe even having a good time getting screwed is all about positioning – better learn the most comfortable angles.”

Not everyone agrees with Schumacher-BMW.  “The crazies who are out running around slamming Obama are just lunatics trying to confuse the voters so they don’t realize that the Democrats are the honest candidates,” said Nifty Perelman, a biped of questionable origin, whose insights are often tinged with lubricant.  “The Obama-Biden team is wide open about the disaster that’s coming internationally because of them, and the income redistribution plans that they intend to implement.  The reality is, hard working Americans want to have the government take their money and give it to others who can’t earn much because they’re on drugs or are too lazy to get an education.  It’s neighborly.  Never mind that conservatives give more money and time to charity than liberals do already, and that liberals tend to have a lot of guilt when they have success but will only share their wealth if they’re forced to.  And let’s face it, Hitler did a great job of organizing communities and really got the country pulling together in one direction.  Adolph got a bad rap when you get right down to it.”

Fox News reported Joe Biden warned that Barack Obama will face an international crisis early in his presidency, fueling Republican charges that the Democratic presidential candidate’s own running mate admits Obama is a blank slate in the face of coming national security threats. Speaking in Seattle on Sunday, Biden said he could guarantee that the world will want to find out if Obama is up to the job, which he assured voters he is. “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama. The world is looking,” Biden said. “Remember I said it standing here. If you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he’s gonna have to make some really tough — I don’t know what the decision’s gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. I guarantee you it’s gonna happen.” The McCain campaign jumped on Biden’s remarks, saying the next president “won’t have time to get used to the office.” But Democratic aides said that Biden was merely reciting history and assuring supporters that Obama is the man for the job.

AOL News quoted Biden: “I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where [the crisis] might originate. And [Obama is] gonna need help. And the kind of help he’s gonna need is, he’s gonna need you – not financially to help him – we’re gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it’s not gonna be apparent initially, it’s not gonna be apparent that we’re right. There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, ‘Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don’t know about that decision.’ Because if you think the decision is sound when they’re made, which I believe you will when they’re made, they’re not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they’re popular, they’re probably not sound.”

The Boston Globe reported that in early 2009 a completely remodeled version of “The Joy of Sex” will be published. This time around, the book will speak to women, too. Susan Quilliam – a British sexpert, advice columnist, and relationship coach – has been put in charge of striking out old-fashioned prose and updating the scientific claims. It’s a daunting task: Quilliam has had to rethink “Sex” for the 21st century. She said the Japanese have a term – pillow book. It means a book to inform and inspire. And Quilliam said she was keen that the new version be a pillow book, and that it was something you could look through and get aroused by, as well as read. She said the book would be beautiful and luxurious.  Some people say that sex and violence is what it takes to make the world go ’round and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

“Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that sadomasochistic Nazi machine-gun sex and whipping plus quasi-Islamofascist female slavery and sex trade is where we’re headed under an O-Biden administration, but you have to admit it does sound kind of exciting, especially with all the economic money redistribution overtones and the need for a bigger underground economy,” said someone claiming to be Tony Rezko, an experienced Chicago entrepreneur always on the lookout for new business opportunities.  “People shouldn’t overlook the possibilities for franchising, tax collection and illegal tax havens.  Heck, Syrians like me thrive on this stuff.  It’s all about embracing the future and not running away from it.  American conservatives are clinging to Christian-Judeo principles too tightly.  If they don’t get with it, they’ll just get screwed without having any fun at all.  The god and gun types have a right to be uncomfortable about this.  They won’t fit in other than as fodder for the machine.  What the heck, most of them live in fly-over country anyway.  But damn that Palin is sure hot.  Wonder what it’ll take to get a piece of Sarah when her run is done?”

In other news, the UK Independent says that a herd of cows belches out more climate-changing gas than a family car. Dr Andy Thorpe, an economist at the University of Portsmouth, explained that 200 cows burp the annual amount of methane equivalent to the energy produced by a family car being driven 111,850 miles. He said solving the problem is tricky though because there could be problems with downsizing herds.  He said a reduction in meat could lead to a “disastrous” increase in demand for fish and cereals. No word on whether the revised Joy of Sex will address the problem or if Nazi’s had a cure that we just haven’t learned about.  Either way climate change will probably be the least of our worries six-months after we elect Obama president.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Woman Beheads Man, Man eats 20 Pound Burger

Woman uses sickle to remove attackers head
Man eats 20.2 pound burger in 4 hours, 39 minutes

Inebriated Press
October 21 2008

CNN reported last week that a woman in northern India defended herself by slicing the head off a man who was attacking her in a field, where she was cutting grass for her cattle with a sickle.  And Volunteer-TV reported that a Pennsylvania man became the first person to eat a mammoth burger weighing over twenty pounds.  Pundits debate the benefits of eating pieces of meat bigger than your head, and whether meat-heads who attack women deserve to lose theirs.

“It’s high time that men who physically assault a woman lose their heads within moments of the event — no time wasting trials, no year long appeals, no ‘maybe we can rehab them’ and all that crap,” said Sandy Bowie-Nife, a gorgeous brunette cattle-rancher, who thinks sickles are fine but six-shooters are better.  “You put a hand on me where I don’t want it; I’ll give you one chance to take it back.  You don’t react the way I want you to, and I remove your parts.  And they’ll be some of your favorites, trust me.”

Not everyone agrees with Bowie-Nife.  “No man should lose his head over a woman, no matter how sex crazed he may be, or whether he can eat a twenty pound burger.  And no person should be allowed to act as judge, jury and executioner when attacked by somebody; it isn’t constitutional,” said Slim Voluum, an unmarried and dateless guy, who values strict letter-of-the-law terms and ignores a laws intent in favor of its details.  “So what if a guy wants to sneak up on a woman and play around a little.  You can’t blame him for that.  It’s the only way I get human contact.  Nobody should have their head lopped off for a little grab.  If a guy does something really bad, let a jury of his peers decide.”

CNN reported that Police in India arrested a woman last week after receiving calls from frightened witnesses who reported that a blood-soaked woman holding a severed head was walking through the village, said police officer Ram Bharose. The woman, 35, told police she had gone to a nearby forest to cut grass for fodder for her cattle when a man attacked her from behind. “In a bid to save her dignity she beheaded him with a sickle,” Bharose said, adding that the woman had bite marks on her neck and cheek. The woman also told police that the man had been harassing and stalking her for three months and she had no regrets about killing him, he said, adding that she would probably be charged with culpable homicide.

Volunteer-TV reported that it took Brad Sciullo 4 hours and 39 minutes to finish a marathon. A meat marathon, that is. The 5-foot-11, 180-pound western Pennsylvania chef is the first person to eat a monstrosity called the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser: a 15-pound burger with toppings and a bun that brought the total weight to 20.2 pounds. The mountain of beef is the product of Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub, about 100 miles northeast of Pittsburgh in Clearfield. Sciullo, 21, of Uniontown, said he was surprised he finished the sandwich Monday. “About three hours into it, things got tough,” he said. When asked what possessed him to eat a burger that big, Sciullo said: “I wanted to see if I could.”  Some people say that doing things because “you can” is what human freedom is all about.

“In a truly free society, you should be able to eat twenty pound burgers anytime and jump people of the opposite sex with impunity,” said Hugh Moron, a dolt who lifts weights for no reason, and loathes common sense believing it to be caused by a deviant gene.  “I know that there are some simpletons who think that personal responsibility and forms of restraint are laudable and should be encouraged, but no clear thinking Democrat buys that notion.  When Obama is president and Pelosi controls the House and Reid the Senate, we’ll show America what Bill Clinton just hinted at when he said he did what he did with interns ‘because he could’.  Damn straight baby.  When we’re in power there’ll be hell for Republicans to pay … and I suppose most of the Middle Class, but we won’t talk about that now.  You keep dreaming about the tax breaks Barack is promising.  Don’t worry, be happy.  And keep dream’n.”

In other news, the Christian Science Monitor reported last week that two gas pipeline bombings took place in British Columbia, Canada.  No serious damage was done, but some authorities fear that terrorists are at work and may learn from their efforts.  No word on whether they’ll cut off the perpetuators heads if they catch them, or force them eat twenty pound burgers, but either one is probably well deserved.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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ACORNs don’t fall far from the tree

Obama trained ACORN organizers
Friends of Obama funded Kenyan socialist

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 20, 2008

Fox News reported last week that while presidential candidate Barack Obama says he has only limited ties to ACORN, the community organization under federal investigation for registering voters illegally in six states, he has in fact, conducted training sessions for ACORN workers, and his campaign recently paid an ACORN subsidiary $800,000 for voter canvassing efforts.  Also, as a matter of record and reported in the book “The Obama Nation,” a group calling itself “Friends of Obama” contributed $1 million to a Marxist presidential candidate in Kenya, Raila Odinga.  In 2007 Obama, then a US Senator, with his wife Michelle, also appeared with Odinga at numerous events throughout the country.  Pundits argue that Marxist connections throughout Obama’s background and his recent comments to Ohioan Joe the Plumber, that “some income redistribution is good for everybody” doesn’t mean that his refusal to wear American flag lapel pins or say the Pledge of Allegiance really has significance.

“No one can accuse a man named Barack Hussein Obama, or any other person with an Indonesian-Muslim or radical Jeremiah-Wright-Christian background, that they will make decisions that could accidentally harm America,” said Bio Sphere, a column of gas and light, often considered the secret genius behind comedian Bill Ayers.  “And although it’s true that Barack’s affiliations would disqualify him for a job working for the federal government, there are no rules like that to stop American’s from electing him president of the United States, and making him the only Kenyan Luo Tribe member to rule the most powerful country in the world.  And that $1 million donation to Odinga, hey, he’s a relative from Obama’s Luo tribe, so leave that alone.  Who doesn’t help out their kin? This is just one more Fox News report designed to make people stop and think.  This is an election and there’s no room for that.”

Not everyone agrees with Bio Sphere.  “I like Barack and think he’d make a great neighbor if Tony Rezko and Bill Ayers weren’t around there too, but I kind of do think a person is a reflection of his friends and associates,” said Marcy Hart-Throbb, a cashier at the Purple Pyramid Navel Jewelry Store and occasional dynamite blonde, depending on her mood.  “Barack seemed too good to be true with his smooth good looks and elitist background from Harvard, and his down-home community organizer attitude.  But lately I’m thinking that his plan to hike taxes for his plus-$1 trillion dollar spending plans, and his comments to the plumber who just wants to hold on to his savings that ‘income distribution is good for everybody’ might not be so good.  I mean, Marxism is so expensive in terms of money and freedom.  Even though Democrat Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi from Berkeley and Democrat majority leader in the Senate, Harry Reid are there to rein him in, maybe they’ll need tax dollars to pay for the additional $300 billion they said they wanted to spend last week.  I suppose the money comes from someplace, right?”

Fox News reported last Thursday that Barack Obama says he only had limited ties to ACORN, and they began in 1995. But other encounters with the group, plus a voter-registration drive he conducted called Project Vote three years earlier, calls his account into question. The Democratic presidential candidate made his remarks in an effort to distance himself from the low-income advocacy group, which is under investigation for voter fraud in several states.
 
Obama conducted training sessions for ACORN workers a decade ago, and his campaign also recently paid an ACORN subsidiary for canvassing efforts. Plus his work with a group called Project Vote back in 1992 raises questions about whether he was involved with ACORN back then. ACORN was also registering voters at that time, and its relationship with Project Vote casts some doubt on Obama’s statement that his involvement with ACORN didn’t begin until three years later.

A blogger for Obama’s campaign Web site in February wrote: “When Obama met with ACORN leaders in November, he reminded them of his history with ACORN and his beginnings in Illinois as a Project Vote organizer … Senator Obama said, ‘I come out of a grassroots organizing background. … Even before I was an elected official, when I ran (the) Project Vote voter registration drive in Illinois, ACORN was smack dab in the middle of it.'” Also, Chicago ACORN organizer Toni Foulkes wrote in the 2003 edition of the journal Social Policy that the two groups were working to register voters when Obama led the effort in Illinois. It has already been widely reported that his campaign paid more than $800,000 to a group called Citizens Services Inc., an ACORN subsidiary, to “augment” Obama’s grassroots organizing efforts in the Ohio, Texas and Pennsylvania primaries. Pundits argue that getting money and training for community groups is what community organizers do, so it can’t be held against Obama.

“People fail to understand that pumping money into areas of the community and training and organizing them to intimidate officials so that they will accommodate their wants — be that in the US or Kenya — is what a good community organizer like Obama does for a living; so any attempt to hold that against him is unfair,” said someone claiming to be Saul Alinsky, author of ‘Rules for Radicals’ the socialist tome that gave Obama his organizing skill set.  “He’s applied my techniques and taught them to ACORN employees as well as any of my pupils has; he may be my best pupil.  You have to use skills like his to get people to give you power and once you have power; you have a kingdom and can do what you want.  That’s why in my book I said, ‘Let us not forget at least an over-the-shoulder acknowledgement to the very first radical: from all our legends, mythology, and history, the first radical known to man who rebelled against the establishment and did it so effectively that he at least won his own kingdom — Lucifer.’  I’m not saying Barack is up to that standard, but you have to admit, he’s hidden the truth with a facade of lies that few have penetrated, and win or lose, you have to give him a lot of credit for trying. He may even pull it off.”

And that’s got some Inebriated reporters stone cold sober.

© 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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