Tag Archives: liposuction

SUV’s Running on Human Fat, Brains With Implanted Sex-Chips, and Viagra Enhanced Trees

Inebriated Press
December 29, 2008

Mr Chip Implant

Mr Chip Implant

Forbes reported last week that a Beverly Hills doctor is converting the liposuctioned fat he removes from his patients into bio-fuel for his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. And News-Australia reported last week that scientists are working on an implantable electronic “sex chip” that stimulates pleasure centres in the brain.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported that researchers have found a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree.  Inebriated reporters say the new Obama Administration is planning to incorporate these developments into upcoming environmental and healthcare plans.

Lipo

Lipo

“One of our first initiatives will be to help obese Americans loose weight and improve their health as well as help our environment, by providing government funded liposuction for all over-weight citizens, and then converting their fat into fuel for our cars and trucks,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, as he sat polishing the sole of his shoe with the soul of a Republican.  “This initiative will be a multiple win as citizens get healthier from the weight loss, we reduce demand for foreign oil by burning the renewable fuel derived from millions of obese Americans, plus we get the added benefit of creating thousands of new lipo-sucking jobs in cities all across the country. And once we put sex-pleasure brain implants into all Americans of voting age that are triggered by president Obama’s voice, he’ll rule the country until the day he dies, and that will ensure that we’ll be able to put all of our important initiatives in place.  Its change we can all believe in and quiver with joy and newfound thinness about.  You can’t beat it.”

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

Not everyone agrees with Emanuel.  “Building America’s future energy dependence on the waists and thighs of Americans may seem like a good idea at first glance, but in reality, it will cost too much to refine the body fat into fuel in volumes enough to power our nation’s transportation system,” said Governor Sarah Palin, a grass-roots common-sense styled Republican who is naturally out of favor with liberals and Democrat and Republican elites and most other people who want government that isn’t of the people, by the people or for the people. “Renewable fuel has its place and so does Viagra, as do brain implants that treat symptoms like Parkinson’s disease. But we need to be careful when sticking electrodes into our heads for stimulating pleasure or erectile drugs into growing trees.  Some unnatural things can be harmful — like claiming that creating bigger government by hiring more people is a beneficial jobs program.  Eventually someone — usually the taxpayers — have to pay for it.  And that hurts the economy because they’re the only people creating real value as derived from the marketplace.  We better think hard about this stuff and not just do it because it sounds cool and then hope for the best.”

Ford SUV

Ford SUV

Forbes reported that liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them. For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

081230-brain-implantsAustralia’s News.com.au reported that scientists are working on an electronic “sex chip” that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. Stimulating this area can produce pleasure. Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters. 

Spruce

Spruce

The Local reported that Swedish researchers have found that a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs. Forestry professor Torgny Näsholm then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects. Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees. In essence it boosted the tree roots’ “virility.”

Some people say that virility and not body fat or brain implants are the key to the future. 

081230_kathy_ireland“Anything can be artificially enhanced by adding stimulants, or chemicals, or by chopping off stuff we don’t want — like fatty deposits.  But if you aren’t naturally virile as the result of diet and exercise and have usable energy sources like oil, coal and gas deposits in addition to renewable fuels, all you have is fake health and fake energy security,” said Kathy Irelandski, a philosophy major and northern European babe whose natural resources are lusted after by men everywhere.  “A healthy society and healthy economy require hard work, strong character, personal responsibility and strong adherence to common sense and practicality.  Bailouts, handouts and citizens and companies who all think they’re victims and need the government to provide for them, represents a country in decline.  America was built by people who came to this continent to take risks and build a future based on freedom and opportunity.  Western European welfare and tolerance for radical Muslims is not what made this country great for two hundred years and it won’t make us great in the future.  We the people had better pull our collective heads out of our asses, roll up our sleeves, and go to work and fix this America ourselves.  No government has ever fixed anything.”

Taser

Taser

In other news, Florida Freedom Newspapers reported last week that a Beach police officer tased a naked woman after responding to a complaint of a disturbance along Front Beach Road on Saturday. Just after midnight Saturday morning, a Bay County Sheriff’s deputy responding to a complaint of a verbal disturbance saw a woman leaving an apartment wearing no clothes. She started walking toward him, and he told her to stop. The woman kept approaching the officer, according to the report, which says the officer then “deployed his taser into” the woman. The report says the woman “remained on the front porch without further incident” once she had been tased. No word on why the woman did what she did or whether she had brain sex-pleasure implants or fuel laden hips, but she was apparently plenty virile.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Fill ‘Er Up With Human Fat
http://www.forbes.com/technology/2008/12/21/fat-fuel-biodiesel-tech-sciences-cz_pcb_1222fatfuel.html?feed=rss_technology

‘Sex chip’ will have us wired, Oxford University researcher Morten Kringelbach says
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24832642-36398,00.html

Erectile aid found to enhance spruce tree roots
http://www.thelocal.se/16490/

Naked woman tased by police officer
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_13677___article.html/officer_beach.html

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Sell the Kids for Lipo, Buy Burger-Scented Cologne, and Trade your Fireworks for Sex

> Woman sells sons for $13,000 to fund liposuction
> Burger King announces new meat-scented cologne
> Italian women say no sex if husbands set off fireworks over Christmas

Inebriated Press
December 18, 2008

Fireworks or not?

Fireworks or not?

Fox News reported Sunday that a Belgian mother sold her newborn twins for $13,000 so she could pay for her liposuction – a fat removal procedure.  And the UK Telegraph reported yesterday on the newest in Christmas gift-giving: just in time to help you with that hard-to-shop-for person on your list, Burger King is offering flame-broiled-meat-scented cologne.  Meanwhile, United Press International reported that a group of women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season.  Pundits are debating the ethics of selling your children to fund cosmetic surgery, the attractiveness of smelling like fast food, and why Italian women resent men who blow stuff up for holiday fun.

“It is wrong for women to sell the kids for cash and deny sex to men who like explosives, but it is appropriate for men to smell like meat products as long as it’s not pork,” said Muhammad Hussein, a Middle Eastern patriot who murders infidels with impunity, thereby displaying his exemplary religious principles. “It is up to the men to decide if the children should be sold and whom or what to blow up for religious holidays or other occasions.  Women should know their place and remain subservient to men in sex and all things.  Israel and the West must be crushed in order to establish the holy Muslim Caliphate so al Qaeda and Taliban styled Sharia law will govern world-wide.  Only then can we solve the worlds many problems.  Now let’s go blow some stuff up.  My five wives will still have sex with me afterward.”

Sex or not?

Sex or not?

Not everyone agrees with Hussein.  “Jeeze Louise, Mabel, no one should be selling children for any purpose and although trading sex for fireworks sounds crazy, what the heck, you do what works,” said Heather Gramm-Cracker, a pale blonde actress who sells herself for various reasons, but tends to avoid children and the scent of fast food.  “And I wouldn’t buy anyone Burger King cologne, there’s nobody but maybe a big stock-holder who would want that.  And then only for scent-of-money reasons.  I don’t know about wearing scent-of-a-burger perfumes.  I like meat in many forms, but not for the smell.  I may be wild and crazy but smelling like meat is getting out there a bit too far even for me.”

Fox News reported that a mother in the Belgian tourist haven of Ghent has been accused by her estranged husband of selling her newborn twin boys for more than $13,000 to pay for cosmetic surgery. Marc Poppe, 48, told an undercover reporter for Dutch television that Sonia Ringoir, 31, had sold the babies to a friend to fund liposuction, the fat removal procedure. He said the couple had searched the Internet to find a quick way to make money: “It was financially attractive to us. Of course we wouldn’t do it for nothing.” Since Belgium has no law banning the sale of children, Ringoir was charged with “degrading treatment” of the twins. She was also charged with fraud after a Dutch couple alleged she had conned them by falsely offering to be a surrogate mother. If convicted, she could face between one month and five years in jail.

Before & After Selling the Kids

Before & After Selling the Kids

The Telegraph reported that the American fast-food chain Burger King, has come up with a novel Christmas gift idea for the meat-loving man who has everything: barbecue-scented cologne. Just in time for the festive season, the company has released its very own men’s body spray, Flame. Not recommended for vegetarians, Flame is being promoted as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”. Flame is on sale for the credit crunch-busting sum of just $3.99 (£2.65), suggesting the Burger King promotions department has realized their contribution to the fragrance market might work best as a novelty stocking-filler. Flame was launched this week in a selection of US stores and even has its own website, the appropriately named firemeetsdesire.com. The site proudly proclaims to prospective buyers: “The Whopper sandwich is America’s favorite burger,” before going on to extol the virtues of a perfume that smells like cooked meat.

United Press International reported that a group of more than 40 women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season. Dr. Vincenzo Sorrentino said the idea for the committee of women pledging to withhold sex came after years of injuries and deaths resulting from Christmastime fireworks. “We’ve tried everything to stop the mayhem caused by fireworks but we’ve never reached the results we hoped for,” Sorrentino said. “We decided to get women involved because they are more convincing and they always achieve their goals.” Carolina Staiano, 42, the head of the women’s committee, said her own father was seriously injured years ago by exploding fireworks. “So far we’ve had more than 30 women join up and we’re hoping for more,” she said Friday. “We’re fed up with these stupid annual massacres. This time they’re just going to have to choose: sex or fireworks.”

Scent of Meat

Scent of Meat

Some people say that sex and fireworks represent the essence of human nature and in many ways, of life itself.

“Aspects of procreation and abstract forms of violence make up the last million years of human history and each play a critical role in forming both civilization and the ongoing struggle of the human race against oppression and godless nature,” said an Inebriated reporter, quoting no one in particular and clinging to a bottle of Jack Daniels as though his life depended on it.  “Ever since Eden we’ve tried to be our own gods and have been screwing and blowing up shit with reckless abandon.  Maybe we should just slap on some meat scent and sit in a circle and wait for the bears to come.  On the other hand, trading fireworks for sex doesn’t sound too bad.  I just might try that.”

In other news, the Sydney Morning Herald has reported that forty-six percent of women who took part in an online research poll would rather go without sex for two weeks than give up access to the internet for the same period of time. Ninety-five per cent of those surveyed said it is “very important, important or somewhat important” to be able to access the internet. Sixty-five per cent rated internet access above other discretionary spending items such as cable television subscriptions (39 per cent), dining out (20 per cent), shopping for clothes (18 per cent) or a health club membership (10 per cent). No word on where liposuction and fireworks rank, but it’s a good bet that internet access will kick the ass of Burger King cologne, even if it does have “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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