Tag Archives: masculinity

Japanese Girls like Tough Guys, Florida’s New Underwear Law, and Media’s View of Obama as God

> Women in Japan crazy about Shogun Warlords: “picture-perfect masculinity”
> City in Florida passes new law requiring underwear
> Newsweek Editor on Obama: “He’s sort of God”

Inebriated Press
June 16, 2009

Busted

Busted

The Mainichi Daily News reported Saturday that young women are flocking to landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. There is a constant shortage of men’s “armor” underwear and 80 percent of the buyers are women.  And Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that the Brooksville City Council has passed new rules that require people to wear clothes that “fit properly” and the wearing of underwear.  Enforcement of the new rules is in question.  Meanwhile, The New Republic reported that longtime Newsweek editor Evan Thomas told MSNBC’s Chris Matthew’s that Barack Obama stands above the country, above the world, as a “sort of God”.  Pundits are debating the power of underwear and Obama’s godhood.

Someone named Andrea

Someone named Andrea

“Pardon me if I don’t believe that Obama is God or that underwear in any form is destined to give me power I don’t currently have.  I understand the idea that putting great faith into something or someone can cause change in that it alters our perspectives and influences our behavior, but power and godhood from panties or a community organizer is a bit of a stretch,” said Andrea Aloha-Alabaster, a pastry chef and sensuous Hawaiian without a birth certificate who plans to run for government office some day.  “Political power is given by the people to a leader in the same way states grant authority to the federal government.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.  The federal government should not impose its will upon the states, unless the states grant it that right.  And no president should impose their will, or act like a god, unless the citizens establish that power within the presidency — and they have not.  Obama is no god, and my underwear, although silky and comfortable when I wear them, grants me no greater power than I carry already as an American citizen and an intelligent and cogent human being.  I am as I should be, let government and elected leaders be as they should be.  Now enough of the bullshit.”

Power underwear

Power underwear

Not everyone sees it the way Aloha-Alabaster does.  “When I have on my red underwear and garters with black stockings I wield power over men that I don’t have if I just wear my pink panties with the days-of-the-week on them.  There’s no question in my mind that the right underwear gives me power well beyond that of a typical person on a Tuesday.  And Barack Obama is way more than an organizer; he clearly is a god, maybe THEE god, because no typical organizer without government or business experience could have been elected president of the United States.  He must be god — or a demon — I’m pretty sure he’s the god thing,” said Cassy Sassy-Leather, a pole polisher down at the Hot Lace and Cool Leather Lounge.  “And power simply accrues to those who wield it indiscriminately unless they’re restricted.  No one is restricting Barack, so he’s on his way to ruling as god on earth.  And the federal government is absorbing states rights and assuming their power.  It’s no big deal; it’s just the way things work if no one stops it.  See this black bra and these red satin panties?  Watch me walk past those guys over there.  They’d kiss my ass and worship me if I asked them.  I’m like a god with these on in here.  Only Obama can get his ass kissed more than I can, but then he actually is god so you have to expect that.”

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

The Mainichi Daily News reported that young women are flocking to significant landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. Sales of historical books are up, and there have been efforts to revive the publication of paperbacks on warlords. On weekends, Jidai Shobo, a bookstore specializing in historical books in Tokyo’s Chiyoda Ward, is packed with groups of young women. Stationery and mobile phone accessories with family crests of feudal lords line the shelves, with figurines of Sanada Yukimura, the most popular of the warlords, and others also for sale. “I like Kato Kiyomasa,” says customer Izumi Sekine, 34, of a warlord who served the shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu. “There’s an almost picture-perfect masculinity about him.”  More unorthodox products have seen a boost in sales as well. There is a constant shortage in stock of Sido brand underwear or men’s “armor” underwear, which cost a considerable 9,240 a pair. According to Tokyo-based manufacturer Rogin, about 80 percent of buyers are women. Researcher Tetsuaki Higashida from the Dentsu Communication Institute suggests that women are attracted to the masculinity of these warlords, compared to the more passive modern men that they know.

Can't work in this town girl

Can't work in this town girl

The St. Petersburg Times reported that if you want to work for the city of Brooksville, be sure that you use deodorant, that your clothes fit properly and that you cover up your wounds and tattoos. And, for goodness sake, wear underwear. If not, you could violate the city’s new dress code. The Brooksville City Council approved a dress and appearance policy by a count of 4-1 this month, with only Mayor Joe Bernardini casting the dissenting vote. He questioned how the code would be interpreted and enforced. “They said you had to wear undergarments,” Bernardini said, “but who’s going to be the judge of that? Sometimes when it comes to certain people going bra-less, it’s obvious. But who’s staring to see if that person doesn’t have underwear on?” City department heads and managers will be required to interpret and enforce the dress code.

"He's sort of God"

"He's sort of God"

The New Republic reported that Evan Thomas, a longtime editor at Newsweek, told Chris Matthews’s on MSNBC: “I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.” Such words would wreak havoc on any person’s ego, even Barack Obama’s. It also would enrage his enemies. After all, the president has told us that he is a mere student of history, and that he is. But history these days is no longer a discipline inclined to defend the truthfulness of its claims or the reasonableness of its arguments or the plausibility of its conclusions. More and more, history has become a competition between and among narratives, self-consciously disdainful of what we used to think of as fact. In this intellectual competition, the losers almost always win or, at least, they win the “moral argument.” Not in real history, mind you, but in many a Western professor’s classroom. And, sometimes, in an American president’s mind.

The truth is that Barack Obama has a penchant for narratives and yet an inclination to rise above them. Two grand but antithetical stories about the same problem, awaiting him and his Olympian skill for the discovery of “common ground”: That is Obama’s favorite script. He regards himself as a kind of unprecedented referee between histories and philosophies. He likes to think that he can see what others cannot see and that, therefore, they must come to him if they wish to live in peace and with meaning.

Obama: New GodIn addressing American intelligence and security professionals at the National Archives, the president aimed at bridging differences by showing that apparent contradictions are not contradictions at all and that everything will go together, if only for as long as he is speaking. National security that never compromises national values? No problem. National values that guarantee national security? Say it and it will be done. Yes, we have values that elevate and restrict us at once, the ideal of free men and women that procedurally protects also the guilty and the wicked–and never mind that, absent energetic domestic and international defenses, these principles would be outmaneuvered and outclassed on both fronts. And again at Notre Dame, the same above-it-all structure of rhetorical conciliation was applied by Obama to the subject of abortion. “Open hearts. Open minds. Fair-minded words.” Nice enough. But the debate on abortion will not be so tidily retired. All of this is rising above but not really reconciling anything. [Editors note: some people refer to Obama’s rhetorical approach as an exercise in “bullshit”; that’s a technical term]

Sex on the beachIn other news, Live Science reported on Friday that summer time sex is risky. With its warm nights, the summer season often brings out the best and the most adventurous feelings of love and lust. Why confine sex to the bedroom, or even the house, when there are beaches and pools and hot tubs to host our most private moments? A few reasons, as it turns out. Condom companies don’t test their products in such a condition, and therefore can’t vouch for their effectiveness when used in pools, hot tubs or other wet and wild setups. You might want to avoid water sex anyway, as improperly maintained pools, hot tubs and Jacuzzis can be breeding grounds for bacteria. And sand isn’t so good either.  According to researchers, 91 percent of the beaches they studied had detectable levels of enterococci (bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections, endocarditis, diverticulitis and meningitis), and 62 percent of them had traces of E. coli. No word on how masculinity-seeking Japanese women feel about summer sex but I’m sure that Obama’s national healthcare plan will have something to say on the subject.  And it’ll be right on target.  Because god always is.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

New wave of ‘history girls’ wooed by warlords’ masculinity
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/mdnnews/national/news/20090613p2a00m0na027000c.html

Brooksville’s new dress code requires deodorant, underwear
http://www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article1009923.ece

Narrative Dissonance
“I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.”
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=cd70b25d-12b5-4f6f-8fd3-4a965be569f3

The Risks of Summer Sex
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090612/sc_livescience/therisksofsummersex

Comments Off on Japanese Girls like Tough Guys, Florida’s New Underwear Law, and Media’s View of Obama as God

Filed under Humor, IP News

Rigging Miss Asia, the Return of Chest Hair, and Heart Found at Car Wash

> Hong Kong rigs beauty contest to assure winner
> Hairy male chests get popular with women
> Human-sized heart found at car wash

Inebriated Press
December 23, 2008

Miss Asia or not

Miss Asia or not

Times Online reported last week that Hong Kong’s Asia Television (ATV) admitted that it had falsified viewer voting figures in a beauty contest so a 23-year-old Hong Kong student named Eunis Yao would win.  Hong Kong has been slowly transitioning into China’s fold, and the rigging of elections is seen as an important step in it’s progress.  Meanwhile, The Daily Beast reported that after many years of hairless male chests being the most popular, hairy-chests are making a comeback.  All this plus the finding of a human-sized heart making a surprise appearance at a carwash, are in the news and stirring the wonder of the holiday season into a steamy broth that smells kind of funny.

“I lost my heart at a car wash once when there was this girl named Wendy who used to dry off the cars wearing a wet T-shirt,” said an Inebriated reporter having a flash-back and getting drool on his notebook.  “She was a real hotty and could have won a Hong Kong beauty pageant without cheating.  I asked her out on a date but she was ahead of her time and wouldn’t go out with me because my chest was smooth and hairless.  If only I could have foretold the future that day, I could have glued some fur on.”

Hugh Jackman with chest

Hugh Jackman with chest

Not everyone has lost their heart, rigged an election or bemoaned the lack of chest hair.  “A guy can be hairy or hairless and if they’re smart, funny and nice to me, I’ll go out with them,” said Missy-Mae Hartt-Throbb, a bastion of femininity and human perfection, who hides it behind a blue Wal-Mart vest down at the store six days a week.  “I used to work at the Heavy Petting Cougar Cage, a strip club and plumbing supply store, but guys kept pretending they were giving me their heart when all they really wanted was a piece of my ass.  I got tired of it after a while and traded it for work at a department store.  I still get some of the same action but I can dress warmer.”

Burt Reynolds and chest admirer

Burt Reynolds and chest admirer

The Times Online reported that Hong Kong, central to China’s slow transition from dictatorship to democracy, has become the scene of a scandal about that most modern of democratic institutions: the television viewer poll. Last week an executive of Asia Television (ATV) admitted that his channel had falsified viewer voting figures in the beauty contest. The Miss Asia pageant was won by a 23-year-old Hong Kong student named Eunis Yao after votes were counted from mobile telephone text messages and the internet – but it has since emerged that she was not, in fact, the true choice of the people. They did not disclose who the real winner had been, but the nationality of the second and third-placed competitors provides fuel for speculation: could the vote fixing reflect official pressure to follow up China’s spectacular summer Olympic successes by crowning a Chinese beauty as the winner?

Jesse Klein, ponderer of hairy chests

Jesse Klein, ponderer of hairy chests

The Daily Beast reported that the real signifier of masculinity lies in chest hair. And it’s making a comeback. According to writer Jessi Klein, after many years of drought, chest hair has returned with a vengeance as the sign of sex appeal and virility. Mad Men star Jon Hamm (aka Don Draper) is entertainment’s tall drink of testosterone du jour. Clive Owen, the brooding, British Sin City hunk has unabashedly displayed his sexily untamed man fur. Aussie Hugh Jackman (the newly anointed Oscar host and People‘s latest “Sexiest Man Alive” pick) is only a hair or two behind his X-Men alter-ego Wolverine, and he is all the hotter for it. Klein wrote that when she meets a guy for the first time, she has no problem with his eyes wandering south for a second to check out her rack—that’s when she steals a glance at the little slip of landscape peeking out from the collar of his shirt. Is it heavily forested, gently grassy, or just a desert-like stretch of flesh, with nary a hair in sight to provide shade?

Harrison Ford displays heart

Harrison Ford displays heart

MSNBC reported that a human-sized heart found at a southwestern Michigan car wash has investigators wondering whether it came from a person or an animal. The organ was discovered in a corner of a manual wash bay at Soapy’s Car Wash, Paw Paw police said. The owner of the business found it Monday on the floor of the bay. Police first took the heart to an animal clinic, where a veterinarian was unable to determine its origin. The next stop was a local cardiologist, who said that while it was “consistent in size to a human heart,” he could not make a conclusive determination as to its source, said police Chief Patrick W. Alspaugh. The chief took the organ to Lansing’s Sparrow Hospital, where forensic scientists were to examine it. “If it’s a human heart, that prompts the question, ‘Then where’s the body?'” asked Alspaugh.  

Some people say that it takes a lot of heart to get along in today’s world.

Tom Selleck, just because

Tom Selleck, just because

“Times are tough for a lot of people and it isn’t always easy to be cheerful, raise your kids to show respect and have common sense, and keep beauty contests and elections fair,” said John Bush, a hairy chested contractor and family man, often ignored by politicians unless they need more of his income in taxes.  “But it’s important that we keep standing up for our values, working hard and even play hard once in a while.  That’s the kind of stuff that built this country and made America the freest and strongest nation in the world, and provided the most opportunity to the most people in history. I don’t like some things going on today, but I’m going to keep working hard and stand up for what I believe in.  I’m an American.  And that’s what American’s do.”

In other news, Gizmodo reported that the USB Group recently announced a new USB drive that saves data and tells the future.

Fortune telling USB drive

Fortune telling USB drive

The drive contains a little floating “stars say yes” and “stars say no” predictor of the future — kind of like the old 8-Ball toy globe.  So now you can back up your files and ask your drive if the Chinese girl will win the beauty contest and if your date will have chest hair.  No word on whether anyone really cares what it says, but what the heck, it is Christmas time and we should all have a little fun — even if it’s just silliness being spouted by Inebriated Press or sold by the USB Group.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Rigging Miss Asia, the Return of Chest Hair, and Heart Found at Car Wash

Filed under Humor, IP News