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Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

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Women Can Smell a Man’s Sexual Intentions

By Melinda Wenner
Fox News
January 13, 2009

It’s not hard to tell when a guy is “happy to see you.”

The twinkle in his eye, his swagger, that sexy smile — all are clear signs he’s in the mood.

And, at least subconsciously, a woman can also tell by the scent of his sweat, according to new research.

Scientists have long debated whether humans, like animals, use chemical signals called pheromones to communicate sexual interest to potential mates.

Problem is, the effects of pheromones are thought to be subconscious — meaning that if we do communicate using them, we sure don’t know it.

It’s also hard to know what these pheromones might be and how we sense them, so researchers understand little about them.

But if human pheromones are going to be anywhere, they’re going to be in sweat, right?

Denise Chen, a psychologist at Rice University in Houston, and her colleagues devised an experiment to compare how women respond to different forms of male sweat — sweat produced in everyday situations versus that produced when a man is turned on.

The researchers speculated that if humans do produce and respond to sweat pheromones, then a woman should respond to a guy’s sexual sweat differently than she does to his normal sweat.

Chen and her colleagues asked 20 heterosexual guys to stop wearing deodorant and scented products for a few days.

Then they told the men to put small pads in their armpits as they watched pornographic videos and became aroused. (The researchers confirmed, using electrodes, that the images did the job.)

Later, the guys were asked to exchange those pads for fresh pads to collect the sweat they produced when they weren’t aroused.

Then the researchers recruited 19 brave women to smell the men’s pads while undergoing brain scans.

The investigators used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), a technique that reveals the brain regions a person is using at any given time — even if their brain activity is subconscious.

Sure enough, the women’s brains responded very differently depending on which sweat they sniffed. (And no, none of them passed out.)

The sexual sweat, but not the normal sweat, activated the right orbitofrontal cortex and the right fusiform cortex, brain areas that help us recognize emotions and perceive things, respectively.

Both regions are in the right hemisphere, which is generally involved in smell, social response, and emotion.

The findings bolster the idea that humans do communicate via subconscious chemical signals, notes Chen in her study, which was published in the Dec. 31 issue of the Journal of Neuroscience.

Our sexual intentions, in other words, may be a lot clearer than we ever intended them to be.

That crush you have on your co-worker? She may already know — at least subconsciously.

Source:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,479819,00.html

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Men want Babes, Women want Guys with Money

Evolutionary psychologists say men want pretty young women;
Evolutionary psychologists say women want older men with money;
And social psychologists say men will take bigger risks to win women they want

Inebriated Press
December 26, 2008

$$ Bill Gates & Warren Buffett $$

$$ Bill Gates & Warren Buffett $$

LiveScience reported last week that new analysis by the University of Gothenburg and the University of Oxford underscore the party line that men want to marry pretty women while women want older men with money — but we don’t always get what we want.  And MSNBC reported that a new study by social psychologists at Florida State University says that men may flirt with risk because they think it will help them score women. Meanwhile Inebriated reporters continue to ply one another with booze hoping to get whatever it is that they want.

“I was looking for a young good looking guy with money and thought I had one until he fell down drunk and dropped his wallet and food stamps fell out of it,” said Stacy Blackk-Leather, a hot babe and convection welder, who attracts men of all ages according to evolutionary psychologists.  “So now I’m looking for an old guy who can hold his liquor, his wallet and hopefully executive level employment.  I guess youth really is wasted on the young.  Well, never mind.  I’ll stick with the trends and go for old gold because it’s better than none.” 

Raquel Welch

Raquel Welch

Not everyone sees it the way evolutionary psychologists do.  “Forget the hot babes, I’m after old women with money and experience, and I’ll take whatever risks I have-to in order to hook up with one,” said Stanley White-Plastik, a twenty-eight year old guy and napkin designer, who trusts Florida State psychologists but not University of Gothenburg ones.  “Raquel Welch may be 68 but she’s hot, has money and is famous.  You think I’d pass on her for some twenty-year-old bimbo who is trying to ‘find herself’?  Well, maybe for a night or two, but not in the long run.”

LiveScience reported that for years evolutionary psychologists have been saying that men want young pretty women for their mates and women want older men with money. This party line was recently underscored when scientists from the University of Gothenburg and the University of Oxford analyzed 400 personal ads in newspapers and Web sites and found that, indeed, men want attractive young women and women want older men with resources. The new study backs findings discovered in 1985, when psychologist David Buss of the University of Texas published an article based on interviews with more than 10,000 people from 37 cultures.

Babes, money or both?

Babes, money or both?

Subjects in Buss’ study were given a list of 18 possible characteristics of a mate and asked to rate those characteristics. Almost universally, both sexes put love, dependable character, emotional stability, and pleasing disposition first, and it wasn’t until character number 5 that men and women differed. Men said looks were more important than women did, and status and money were more important to women. However, no matter what people might say to researchers, the truth is everyone ends up mating with people who are interested in them, people we run into, people who happen to look our way. And our “choices,” more often than not, are irrelevant.

MSNBC reported that men may take bigger risks because they think it will help them win women. Evolutionary psychologists have long believed that women are choosier about men than men are about women. Social psychologists at Florida State University set out to test that idea.  FSU researchers asked 134 undergraduate male and female psychology students to participate in an experiment involving pictures of the opposite sex and risk-taking in playing blackjack. They wanted to see whether men would take more risks if they were “in the mood” and if the men thought there were beautiful women around for them to woo.

081226_catherina_zeta_jonesWhat the social psychologists found was that men were much more likely to take risks playing blackjack if they were sexually motivated and had seen images of beautiful women before they played. The guys were also more likely to take risks if they saw attractive female faces and remembered them afterwards — even if they weren’t looking for a new partner — perhaps because the faces made more of an impression on them and ramped up their sexual desire. The behavior of the female students, however, wasn’t affected by what they felt, saw, or remembered. Interestingly, the study found that guys who saw attractive faces but weren’t sexually motivated did not take more risks than guys who saw unattractive faces. Study co-author Michael Baker, a doctoral student in social psychology at Florida State, speculates that guys only take risks if they stand to benefit from them, because risk-taking does come with a cost — after all, a bad skydiving or rock climbing experience could keep a guy from reproducing ever again.

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

In other news, CNN reported this week that before he accepted Barack Obama’s offer to join his presidential ticket as vice president, Joe Biden got a promise from Obama: that he would be there for “every critical decision,” Biden said in an interview on ABC’s “This Week.” No word on whether Obama had looked at attractive pictures of other possible candidates before choosing Biden, but when asked whether Biden had actually really received the promise he claimed, president-elect Obama said: “that’s not the kind of promise the Obama I know then would have made. Joe must have still been thinking about his debate with Sarah Palin.  I know he forgot his own name and drooled continuously for two days afterward.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

The Perfect Mate: What We Really Want
http://www.livescience.com/culture/081219-hn-men-women-looks.html

Guys may flirt with risk more to score a mate
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28316943/

What Obama promised Biden
http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/21/transition.wrap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

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The difference between men and women

081130men-v-women

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