Tag Archives: Milky Way

Milky Way Goldilocks, Craigslist Hookers and, Designer Vaginas the Art form

> Quest for the ‘Goldilocks zone’ in Milky Way
> Cook County sues Craigslist over prostitution ads
> British sculptor needs 20 plaster-casts of women’s vaginas for project

Inebriated Press
March 9, 2009

Goldilocks

Goldilocks

CNET News reported Friday that NASA’s Kepler satellite was launched into space to keep watch on a select patch of the Milky Way in an attempt to find a planet that in Goldilocks parlance, is “just right” to support life. And PC World reported Thursday that the Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, filed a lawsuit against Craigslist, charging it with facilitating prostitution. Meanwhile, The Sun reported Thursday that artist Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting, has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas for a ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture.  Drunken hoot owls and Wall Street traders are contemplating new investment strategies and think prostitutes, vaginal art and staring into space will beat the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the next four years and maybe beyond.

“We’re in a new era of hope and change and $20 trillion dollar spending, and investments that paid off during the fuddy-duddy years of hard work, personal responsibility and common sense no longer matter in the new Obamanomic economy,” said Marjorie Maxim-Thighmaster, an investment adviser and part time stripper at the Hapless Parrot and Madoff Monkey Lounge.  “We have to look at new approaches to investing.  We believe that a well balanced portfolio now consists of direct investment in hookers and vaginal art with equal parts of staring off into space.  We’re having a little trouble modeling the future returns projections, but we’ve got all the fine print figured out, so we’re making progress.  We know Obama’s plans will destroy industry, initiative and our economy, but we think stuff related to sex and lethargy has a shot at surviving.”

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Not everyone agrees with Maxim-Thighmaster.  “It’s disappointing that some people don’t have confidence in president Obama to do what’s right for them, and are thinking that their future is doomed because it only lies in sex and a semi comatose state — as though that’s a bad thing.  I lived most of the 1960s like that and it refined my personality and the genius of my outlook,” said Nancy Pelosi, the current U.S. Speaker of the House and a part time jack-in-a-box when seated behind Obama in Congress and darn near everyplace else she’s near him.  “We Democrats have set out to change America and it’s only the deluded people on the right who thought we might not do it.  Americans voted for change and they’re going to get it whether they understood what that meant or not.  We won and we’re in power, and we’ll do everything we can to change America and defy its out-of-date constitution.  The twenty trillion dollars in spending and the twenty-five percent drop in the Dow over the last couple weeks is only the first step.  We’ll redistribute wealth and what we can’t redistribute we’ll destroy.  Americans will become dependent on the Obama Oligarchy and will be all the better for it.  It’s just the simple people still clinging to god-and-guns, common sense and personal freedom who don’t understand how good this is for them.”

The Kepler Region

The Kepler Region

CNET News reported that NASA’s Kepler satellite is headed out to keep watch on a patch of the Milky Way for at least three and a half years. Unlike the Hubble space telescope, Kepler won’t be taking brilliant pictures suitable for framing. Instead, it will look for minute changes in the brightness of stars–some 100,000 of them–that would indicate a planet passing in front. Of all the planets Kepler eventually finds, what NASA is most interested in are planets like Earth. That is, it’s looking for rocky orbs–from half as large to twice as large as our big blue marble–in the habitable zone around a given star where conditions might be amenable to folks like us, or at least some of our fellow earthly organisms. In the vastness of the universe, there are likely to be nearly countless planets. The big question for humans, of course, is whether even a single one of them could support life.  Will we find a “Goldilocks zone” in the Milky Way?  Kepler will try.

Some services may find upturn in downturn

Some services may find upturn in downturn

PC World reported that the second largest sheriff’s department in the U.S. filed a lawsuit against Craigslist last Thursday, charging the online classifieds site with facilitating prostitution. The Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, asks the court to force Craigslist to close its erotic services section and pay damages for the money the police have spent monitoring the forum and pursuing suspects. “To say Craigslist’s ‘erotic services’ forum makes prostitution accessible is an understatement. While Defendant does not profit from erotic services per se, erotic services is the catalyst behind Craigslist being the ninth most popular website in the country,” the lawsuit, filed in the U.S. District Court for the northern district of Illinois, reads. Between January and November 2008, Cook County police arrested 156 people via Craigslist erotic services ads, the suit said. Officers spent 3,120 hours working on the arrests for a cost of over $105,000, according to the suit. In a statement, Craigslist said it hasn’t yet seen the complaint.

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

The Sun reported that an artist has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas. Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting already has 180 in the bag, but wants another 20 to complete the sculpture, which comments on the trend for surgically altered ‘designer vaginas’. Mr McCartney said: “I am offering women the last chance to be 1/200th of art history in the making.” The artist’s ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture is due to be unveiled in May at the Brighton Fringe. The casts already taken have come from women ranging in age from 18 to 64.

Some people say “give a woman the right vagina and she will rule the world.”

“The old days of using levers to move things and hard work to build wealth are gone,” said Helga Tubulartract-Squared, Director of the Association for Fiscal Irresponsibility and Hard Core Plaster Casting.  “In the new economy banging your way to success is not only practical its a modern return-on- investment tool.  Archimedes has been replaced by ACORN and the lever by female anatomy.  And it’s not like old school ‘gold digging’ because we use new techniques; it’s more like entrepreneurial mining.  We’d rule the world already if we didn’t get PMS every thirty days and temporarily lose our minds.  At least it’s not a permanent condition like most of the men I know.”

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

In other news, CNEWS reported Friday that a new cleaning service features young women clad in French maid outfits, red stilettos and fishnet stockings. “They do the same job as regular cleaners, but they look fantastic doing it,” said Elise Skoglund, owner of Good Clean Fun exotic maid service, which opened up shop in Edmonton [Canada] last fall. For $125 an hour, a sexy maid will do everything from dusting the TV to wiping the counters, but toilets are a no-go zone. Skoglund explained that since the maid is already dressed in skimpy clothes and high heels, getting down on her hands and knees to clean the toilet would cross the line into degrading territory. No word on whether they’ve had plaster casts made of their vaginas or if they’re on Craigslist, but chances are they’re a better investment than General Motors and beat staring into space.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Article sources:

Kepler: Finding a ‘Goldilocks zone’ in the Milky Way
http://news.cnet.com/8301-11386_3-10190587-76.html

Cook County Sues Craigslist Over Prostitution Ads
http://www.pcworld.com/article/160803/cook_county_sues_craigslist_over_prostitution_ads.html

It’s the vagina model-ogues
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2296504.ece

‘Exotic’ maids naughty and neat
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2009/03/06/8649591-sun.html

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Panetta to Head CIA, Milky Way Bigger than Thought, Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin

> CIA operatives baffled with Obama’s pick of budget guy to run spy agency
> Astronomers discover Milky Way is 50% larger than they thought
> Biologists spot pink iguana on Galapagos Islands, Changes evolutionary theory

Inebriated Press
January 7, 2008

Top Spy Panetta

Top Spy Panetta

Wired.com reported Monday that ex-senior CIA staffers are mystified with president-elect Obama’s pick of former House budget chairman and Clinton chief-of-staff Leon Panetta, to head the CIA.  Some are convinced Obama is pushing the agency quietly out of the way. And Associated Press reported that astronomers who thought the Milky Way was smaller than the Andromeda Galaxy now admit they were wrong, and that it’s twice the size they believed it was.  Meanwhile, Discovery says there’s a rare pink iguana on the Galapagos Islands that Darwin missed, and it’s been around for 10 million years — which alters the evolutionary theory of the iguana’s development.  Pundits say that these three developments prove that humankind doesn’t know shit about what we’re doing most of the time.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Stacy Rae-Gunn or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

“Let’s face it, scientists are winging it constantly and Obama is doing the same thing with the American intelligence community.  If the election of dumb-ass comedian Al Frankin as a U.S. Senator from Minnesota wasn’t enough, now we’ve got certifiable proof that humankind is actually devolving,” said Stacy Rae-Gunn, a platinum-light piercing the darkness of foggy thought, when she’s not stripping at the Gum-Wrapper Lounge and Tax Prep Shop.  “A president doesn’t appoint a budget guy and life-long politician to the top spy job in the United States if they actually want serious spying done.  You only do that if you want the Agency to be politically correct and within budget.  Spying by its very nature isn’t politically correct.  To do this to Central Intelligence is the equivalent of putting Britney Spears in charge of NASA.  No one can deny that its change, but the agency’s mission is turned inside out.”

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Gunn.  “Barack is doing what’s necessary for sound political change and this appointment will insure that the CIA will have well-organized office meetings and won’t overspend on hors d’oeuvres or order out for pizza too much,” said someone claiming to be Vladimir Putin, a locally known fry chef and dictator wannabe, whose expertise in politics is said to rival his experience with cooking oil.  “And astronomers and biologists are always right too, it’s the iguana that caused the theory trouble and the Milky Way probably just got bigger while we were looking the other way.  None of this should cast any doubt on the certainty of evolution, the big bang theory, or the benefits of a professional comedian running the U.S. Senate or a budget guy running the CIA.  And for crying out loud stop telling me that we can’t predict global warming just because we don’t know what the weather will be next week.  Predicting next weeks weather just isn’t as important as the fact that we know conclusively what will happen to the climate a hundred years from now if we keep letting cows fart.  I’ve made up my mind so don’t try to confuse me with some silly facts.”

Wired reported that the incoming Obama administration has named Leon Panetta as its nominee for the Director of Central Intelligence. Some observers are confused, to put it mildly, about the pick. The guy — a former White House chief of staff and House Budget Committee chairman — has a reputation for being a tough, competent manager, they say. But can he really be an effective CIA chief in the cloak-and-dagger world? And what about those pledges, to keep the intelligence community out of politics?  “I find the choice of Leon Panetta to head the CIA a curious one,” said a well-connected former spy according to Wired.com. “On the one hand, if you are looking to pick a nation’s top spook, it is generally a good idea to pick someone with more than a cursory exposure to the intelligence business. It is also more than a little annoying that we can’t seem to find a CIA chief that hasn’t spent all of their adult life playing politics.”  An ex-senior CIA manager told Laura Rozen that the message of the Panetta appointment was clear: “The message is, ‘I don’t want to hear anything out of the CIA. Make it go away. No scandals. Keep it quiet,'” the former officer said. “They put over there a guy who is a political loyalist, who will keep everything nice and quiet, but who won’t know a good piece of intelligence from a shitty piece of intelligence, and wouldn’t know a good intelligence officer” from a bad one.

Milky WayAssociated Press reported that for decades, astronomers thought when it came to the major galaxies in Earth’s cosmic neighborhood, our Milky Way was a weak sister to the larger Andromeda. Not anymore. The Milky Way is considerably larger, bulkier and spinning faster than astronomers once thought, Andromeda’s equal. Scientists mapped the Milky Way in a more detailed, three-dimensional way and found that it’s 15 percent larger in breadth. More important, it’s denser, with 50 percent more mass, which is like weight. Being bigger means the gravity between the Milky Way and Andromeda is stronger. So the long-forecast collision between the neighboring galaxies is likely to happen sooner and less likely to be a glancing blow, said study author Mark Reid of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Mass. The new findings were presented Monday at the American Astronomical Society’s convention in Long Beach, Calif.

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Pinky the Unfound Iguana

Discovery reported that when English naturalist Charles Darwin explored the Galapagos Islands in the early 1800s, he, and countless scientists since, overlooked a hefty pink iguana. Lead author of a new study Gabriele Gentile, a researcher in the Department of Biology at Tor Vergata University in Rome, took blood samples from several Galapagos iguanas, including the better-known yellow species. Gentile and his colleagues extracted DNA from the blood to illuminate how the different species are related to each other and when each emerged. Based on this study and earlier work, Gentile and his team believe that 10.5 million years ago, a common ancestor to both marine and land iguanas from Central or South America colonized the Galapagos Islands. The marine and land iguanas probably diverged at that time. Most researchers have thought that all major iguana species differentiated much later during the Pleistocene Epoch (1.8 million to 10,000 years ago). That wasn’t so, according to Gentile and his team.

Some people say that since truth and ethics are both relative and situational, it only makes sense that “facts” are also relative and arbitrary.

“No one is really who they pretend to be, whether they are rocket scientists, cashiers or Barack Obama,” said an Inebriated reporter, burping out some words while appearing to be asleep.  “The world of mass and measure, sound, fury or lunch meat is just a momentary fart in a skillet of post-election Obama-mania-euphoria. Everything is as nothing and all the world’s a stage and the players play and the dancers dance.  You can say what you want and be what you want and change into something else the day after tomorrow.  Chaos is the essence of truth and irrelevance is the heart of nature.  Everything is meaningless — except for the IRS on April 15th.  Better have your taxes in order or they’ll have your ass.”

U.S. Senator Al Franken

U.S. Senator Al Franken

In other news, the American Thinker reported Monday that after the onslaught of record breaking bitter temperatures during the last quarter of 2008, and with less wind, the amount of sea ice has significantly and dramatically rebounded at the fastest rate ever before recorded.  Currently being measured to be about where it was 29 years ago in 1979, sea ice is again as expansive and dense as it was when global cooling proponents of the time said that we were witnessing the advance of a mini ice age. Reported by the University of Illinois’s Arctic Climate Research Center, and derived from satellite observations of the Northern and Southern hemisphere polar regions, sea ice has been restored to pre-Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW) levels.  The article said that the fantasy and absurdity of AGW is becoming laughable, and again is proven conclusively wrong.  No word on when Al Gore will have their ass for bringing up messy facts to get in the way of firm belief, but with Al Franken in the U.S. Senate, Leon Panetta managing Central Intelligence, and Marx Brothers movies for guidance, you can bet it won’t be long.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Spooks Scratch Their Heads Over Obama CIA Pick
http://blog.wired.com/defense/2009/01/the-incoming-ob.html

Milky Way _ the galaxy _ not snack-sized anymore
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SCI_MILKY_WAY?SITE=AP

Rare Pink Iguana Evaded Darwin
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2009/01/05/pink-iguana.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

The Long Recount is Over
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/washingtonpostinvestigations/2009/01/after_six_weeks_of_the.html?wprss=washingtonpostinvestigations

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