Tag Archives: nancy pelosi

Scientists Ponder Cloning Anna Nicole Smith and Grace Kelly

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
May 19, 2009

Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith

Scientists at the Lucky Horseshoe Genetic Lab and Gambling Casino are currently in a heated debate over whether to bring to life a clone of actress-princess Grace Kelly or actress-slut Anna Nicole Smith.  The argument center’s around which woman will advance society the most, and bring about positive “hope and change.”  Inebriated reporters, hiding behind glass beakers and under roulette tables, have been following the proceedings closely.

Grace Kelly

Grace Kelly

“Some of the scientists say that a Grace Kelly clone would bring more civility and class to the world, and would lend an air of sophistication and politeness to global matters, that to-date have resulted in the beheadings and physical detonation of individuals who disagree with some Muslims,” said an Inebriated reporter shooting crap and slamming Jack Daniels like nobodies business. “While others feel that bringing a trashy blonde like Anna Nicole to life is the way to go, since Islamofascists don’t give a damn about anyone anyway, and hot slutty women will give the West some distraction and provide the fresher outlook necessary to think things through.”

While the Kelly-Smith debate rages, some geneticists are already gearing up to create Nancy Pelosi and Margaret Thatcher clones.

Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher

“It won’t be long now and Maggie Thatcher will slip the bonds of life and die of old age, and the earth will be a poorer, less intelligent place,” said Dutch Reagan-Two, a scientist and genetic makeup artist enamored with Thatcher for reasons of his own.  “We need the Iron Lady around telling us to pull our heads out of our ass and abandon destructive liberal policies and shit.  I’m also working on a Nancy Pelosi clone but I’m having second thoughts.  Originally I figured she’d be an acceptable balance to Thatcher’s conservativism and that would be a good thing, but since Pelosi recently went off the rails with all the ‘CIA lied’ bullshit, I’m thinking I’ll either have to forget her altogether, or see if I can cross her with a frog that has common sense.  It may make her skin look a little bit greener and appear stretched more oddly than the current version, but if she thinks clearly it’ll be worth it.  What can I say, some clones aren’t best if they’re identical to the original.”

Anna Nicole

Anna Nicole

Ethicists have been arguing over whether it’s proper to clone people and create physical replicas of them. Some pundits say it’s irrelevant and silly because even though the people may look like the originals, they’ll not think or behave like the originals, because they will have developed in different social and educational conditions. Others argue that the identical genetic makeup will in fact cause them to act a great deal like the originals.  Many remain unsure whether duplication is ethical, and while most are inclined to let someone with a different pay grade decide, some geneticists say it’s time to get on with it.

Grace

Grace

“If you can duplicate people you duplicate people,” said an unidentified geneticist and Black Jack dealer covering her name tag.  “We should do it for the very reason people climb up mountains — because they’re there.  We can, so we should; that’s good enough.  We ought get at it right away and make clones of everything and everyone.  Think of the fun of having hundreds of Anna Nichole Smiths or Grace Kelly’s running around the world.  What a hoot.  And I’m saying that from a purely scientific perspective.”

In barely related news, Anna Nicole Smith was sited recently at a Hooters eating chicken wings at a table with Elvis Presley.  No word on whether they were clones or the real thing, but according to a waitress they tipped big and that’s what matters.  After all, making the world a better place is what it’s all about, and good tips are a step in the right direction.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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China attacks Space Shuttle; Pelosi says CIA Lied to Congress; and Boy Scouts train to Fight Terrorists

> Shuttle Atlantis dodges Chinese anti-missile Material
> House Speaker Pelosi says CIA lied to Congress
> Boy Scouts of America training Children to fight Terrorists, combat Border Violence

Inebriated Press
May 18, 2009

Explorer Team, Boy Scouts of America

Explorer Team, Boy Scouts of America

SPACE.com reported last Wednesday that Chinese anti-satellite space junk zoomed past the shuttle Atlantis and the attached Hubble Space Telescope, narrowly missing them. And ABC News reported Thursday that U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-California, accused the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) of lying to Congress about enhanced interrogation techniques.  Meanwhile, The New York Times reported Wednesday that the Boy Scouts of America is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence.  Pundits are debating how best to defend against attacks in space, in Congress and on the US-Mexican border.

Harlequin Romance-Softcover or reasonable facsimile

Harlequin Romance-Softcover or reasonable facsimile

“Last November 52.9% of Americans lost their minds and elected as president a community organizer with no governing or management experience, to lead the USA against terrorism, economic challenges and to work with nations who eye us with both good and bad intent.  Thank god the Boy Scouts have their shit together and are planning to defend the country against increased terrorist attacks, Mexican border violence and Chinese anti-missile space defense.  At least they have training, experience, and know how to take action,” said Harlequin Romance-Softcover, a hot blonde paralegal whose intentions can often be read like a book.  “And as far as Pelosi’s claims that the CIA lied to Congress over enhanced interrogation techniques, here’s how I see it: the CIA is in the business of spying, not lying; while Congress and Pelosi in particular, have turned lying into an art form.  The great trifecta of Obama, Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), are Politian’s whose phrases are steeped in falsehood and innuendo.  I’ll take CIA’s word over theirs any day.  Ask any Boy Scout, they’ll back me up.”

Some guy

Some guy

Not everyone agrees with Romance-Softcover.  “Conservatives are a bunch of Boy-Scout-do-gooders always screwing around — helping old ladies across the street, promoting personal responsibility and self reliance and bullshit like that.  Anyone who knows anything understands that the government is here to take care of us if we just do whatever it says.  And after the Obama Apology Tour of 2009, all nations and peoples now love and respect the US, so there’s no war on terror, no more border problems and China holds so much of our debt that they have to like us,” said Nimm Rodd-Dimm, an Obama government appointee with an undisclosed job description and IQ.  “And of course the CIA lied.  Nancy Pelosi is as solid as the California budget — she is from Berkeley you know — and we can always count on her to tell us what we need to know, when we need to know it, and then explain what it’s supposed to mean.  She doesn’t make all those coast-to-coast air-flights costing hundreds of thousands of dollars, just because she enjoys flying and being a big shot you know.  It’s so she can check out the CIA from the air and keep an eye on them.  She knows about this stuff.  Ask anyone from Code Pink, they’ll back me up.”

Shuttle & Hubble: no Chinese for us please

Shuttle & Hubble: no Chinese for us please

SPACE.com reported that NASA on Wednesday tracked a piece of space junk leftover from a Chinese anti-satellite test in 2007 that zoomed past the shuttle Atlantis and the attached Hubble Space Telescope, which astronauts plucked from orbit earlier in the day. The satellite debris flew about 1.7 miles (2.8 km) ahead and a bit below Atlantis.  The debris was about 492 feet (150 meters) below and just over 2.4 miles (4 km) outside the shuttle’s orbital plane. Earlier Wednesday, they used the shuttle’s robotic arm to grab Hubble and secure it in their cargo bay so it can be upgraded and repaired. Atlantis and Hubble are currently flying about 350 miles (653 km) above Earth in an orbit that has a higher risk of space debris hits, in part because of the Chinese anti-satellite test, in which China intentionally destroyed the weather satellite Fengyun 1C in 2007. The risk of a piece of space junk seriously damaging Atlantis is about a 1-in-229 chance in its current orbit. In the event that the Atlantis suffers a serious strike and cannot return to Earth, NASA has primed the shuttle Endeavour to launch a rescue mission to retrieve the stranded astronauts.

Pelosi

Pelosi

ABC News reported that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., accused CIA briefers on Thursday of lying to her and other lawmakers about the use of enhanced interrogation techniques, such as waterboarding, and said she had only been informed of their use five months later. A report released last week directly contradicted Pelosi’s recollections of the briefing. The Director of National Intelligence’s report indicated that the speaker was in fact briefed about such techniques including waterboarding, an interrogation tactic that simulates drowning. The DNI report said then-House intelligence Chairman Porter Goss, Pelosi — who was the top Democrat on the House intelligence committee — and two aides were told about “the particular EITs that had been employed” on terror suspect Abu Zubaydah.  Pelosi’s remarks that such statements are lies provoked a stern reaction from Republican lawmakers. “It’s outrageous that a member of Congress should call a terror-fighter a liar,” said Sen. Kit Bond, R-Mo., the vice chairman of the Senate intelligence committee. “It seems the playbook is, blame terror-fighters. We ought to be supporting them.”

It's about honor, character, doing what's right

It's about honor, character, doing what's right

The New York Times reported that the Explorers program, a coeducational affiliate of the Boy Scouts of America that began 60 years ago, is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence — an intense ratcheting up of one of the group’s longtime missions to prepare youths for more traditional jobs as police officers and firefighters. “This is about being a true-blooded American guy and girl,” said A. J. Lowenthal, a sheriff’s deputy in Imperial County California, whose life clock, he says, is set around the Explorers events he helps run. “It fits right in with the honor and bravery of the Boy Scouts.”

Explorer training, which leaders say is not intended to be applied outside the simulated Explorer setting, can involve chasing down illegal border crossers as well as more dangerous situations that include facing down terrorists and taking out “active shooters,” like those who bring gunfire and death to college campuses. In a simulation here of a raid on a marijuana field, several Explorers were instructed on how to quiet an obstreperous lookout. “Put him on his face and put a knee in his back,” a Border Patrol agent explained. “I guarantee that he’ll shut up.” Membership in the Explorers has been overseen since 1998 by an affiliate of the Boy Scouts called Learning for Life, which offers 12 career-related programs, including those focused on aviation, medicine and the sciences.

Some people say that a knee in the back is occasionally more important than a pat on the back.

Typical bunch of Inebriated Press columnists at staff meeting

Typical bunch of Inebriated Press columnists at staff meeting

“You can’t coddle terrorists, college campus shooters, border smugglers or liberals on parade,” said an Inebriated columnist, drifting past our table at the Ham Hock and Hollyhock Club on the way to the john.  “You have to kick their ass and bring them down before they do the same to you.  Liberals think they can help the terrorists self esteem by bending over backwards and letting them screw us and our country, and that they’ll like us better then.  That’s bullshit; they don’t care about anyone but themselves, and will screw us over if we let them.  If they’re doing crazy stuff because they’re psychologically messed up, they’re messed up, and nothing we’re going to do will change that.  If they get in our face, we take them down.  It’s not how I want it, but its reality, and we’re all ahead if we see things the way they really are, and do what we have to do. And speaking of that, where’s the damn toilet, I got stuff I need to do and by damn I intend to do it.”

Chinese prostitutes in need of U.S. study

Chinese prostitutes in need of U.S. study

In other news, ChattahBox reported last Wednesday that the United States will be conducting a $2.6 million dollar study in China, in an attempt to teach prostitutes in the area to drink less on the job. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse (NIAA) believes it is important to stave off the rampant alcoholism that permeates the female sex industry, in an attempt to allow more accountability within a rather dangerous trade. According to the mission statement released by the NIAA, the study proposes “to develop, implement, and evaluate a venue-based alcohol use and HIV risk reduction intervention focusing on both environmental and individual factors among venue-based FSWs (Female Sex Workers) in China.”  No word on why it’s better to cut the U.S. defense budget so we can spend $2.6 million American taxpayer dollars on the drinking habits of Chinese hookers, but then maybe I don’t understand because I’m more like a Boy Scout than a politician, and my appreciation for personal responsibility and self reliance has my value system all messed up.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Chinese Space Junk Buzzes Shuttle, Hubble Telescope
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20090514/sc_space/chinesespacejunkbuzzesshuttlehubbletelescope

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: CIA Lied to Me
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=7586530&page=1

Scouts Train to Fight Terrorists, and More
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/14/us/14explorers.html?_r=3&hp

US To Pay $2.6 Million For Chinese Prostitution Study
http://chattahbox.com/world/2009/05/13/us-to-pay-26-million-to-chinese-prostitution-study/

United States presidential election, 2008 [Obama=52.9%, McCain=45.7%]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_election,_2008

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Obama, Pelosi, Clinton in Secret Kitten Club

> Powerful Kittenati Society Revealed
> Select group of powerful female politicos

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 23, 2009

Power poltics
Power poltics

Inebriated Reporters Special Investigation Team (IRSIT) has uncovered a secret society for “politico women” whose members include Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi as primary leaders.  After paying off and sleeping with a number of highly connected officials over a period of several months, members if IRSIT have declared that the Kittenati Society is real, well connected, and despite a seemingly irrational penchant for holding meetings in the nude, a basic underground society designed to wield power in politics and society.

"Hanna"
“Hanna”

“It’s all about a new world order run by leftist women with a global outreach, secret knowledge about manipulation and exploitation of personal and corporate weakness, and a desire to ultimately hold public meetings in the nude,” said Hanna Playstation-Hydrolic, a well designed and powerful writer and part-time Hooters gal, who sometimes thinks like a video game but lifts weights like a cast iron machine.  “I had to sleep with several men and women to get this information and while I tend to be straight in my thinking and physical experimentation, the whole investigative process was kind of a rush.  Anyway, Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton are heading up the Kittenati Society, and when they have complete global control they’ll announce it at a press conference in the nude — which is the ultimate expression of power.”

Someone named Martha
Someone named Martha

Not everyone believes that the Kittenati Society exists or that leftist women want to wield power while not wearing clothing.  “The idea that Nancy Pelosi wants to rule the world naked is pretty crazy stuff, not the rule-the-world part, but her displaying saggy boobs to the masses and then trying to get them to do whatever she commands,” said Martha Laye-Mee, a cutting edge political analyst often confused with a porn star because of her last name.  “Michelle Obama is always running around sleeveless and kind of flaunts her body, so that kind of makes sense for her, and Hillary had that topless bust made of herself so I guess it fits her style.  Come to think of it, Pelosi is so arrogant that to make someone do her bidding while standing over them nude with her jugs at knee level would be a real power trip.  Maybe the Kittenati nudity angle isn’t so crazy after all.”

Insiders say some of the Kittenati activities include courses in world domination while wearing leather, how to exploit a male presidents sexual weakness so they’ll let you meet with government agencies that as first lady you normally couldn’t do, and how to cross your legs when meeting nude with other countries leaders so you only display the parts you want to.  Some connected officials say that consideration was made to allow Sarah Palin to join because she is attractive and politically connected, but she was excluded because her politics would have taken the group toward the conservative right. 

Sexual politics?
Sexual politics?

“Palin has a hot body and would have been able to control half of the world’s population on her own while governing in the nude, but she may have taken too much power from the left,” said a semi-clothed Kittenati member who refused to be identified, but who has lightening bolts tattooed around her left nipple and other  physical locations.  “The right is going to have to come up with their own secret society if they want to get conservative women running the world while going nude.  We leftists have our own thing going.”

The real puppet master
The real puppet master

U.S. political organizations, White House officials and government agencies all deny that the Kittenati Society exists.  “The idea is beyond absurd,” said Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel.  “We only take our orders from George Soros. God help us if he decides to start issuing them in the nude.  I’m creeped out just thinking about it, and there’s not much that creeps me out.  Holy shit.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Barely related documentation:

Secret society
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_society

Open Society Institute and Soros Foundations Network
http://www.soros.org/

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Bacon cures Hangovers, Bullets cure Pirates, Future Conventional Wars Declared over Today

> Researchers discover bacon sandwiches cure hangovers
> U.S. snipers fire three shots, kill three pirates
> Obama’s Pentagon says no major war will ever break out: slashing military tech

Inebriated Press
April 14, 2009

Mmmm bacon

Mmmm bacon

The UK Telegraph reported last week that scientists have discovered bacon sandwiches actually cure hangovers – by boosting the level of amines which clear the brain.  And CNN reported yesterday that U.S. Navy SEAL snipers fired a single shot at each of three Somali pirates pointing AK-47’s at a U.S. ship captain they held hostage, hitting each pirate in the head and killing them while leaving the American unharmed.  Meanwhile, China’s Xinhuanet reported last week that U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said he wants to slash spending on major military hardware and missile defense systems, because there is no longer the risk of a conventional war in the future.  Pundits are debating the effect of bacon and bullets on the human brain and wondering what’s going on inside the U.S. defense secretary’s skull.

GI Joe“Let’s get real about just how well we can predict the future of military conflict by taking a look at how accurately we predicted the attack on 9-11 after Clinton slashed the military budget and eliminated major funding to the intelligence agencies, on the theory that since the cold war was over, the U.S. no longer had any major threats left in the world,” said Harold P. Sluzbolt, a market analyst and investor constantly eating bacon sandwiches to fend off the hangovers caused by heaving drinking spawned by the subprime mortgage mess and the governments multi-trillion dollar spending spree designed to reign in government spending and stimulate consumer confidence.  “We don’t know what the hell kinds of wars we’ll be fighting in the future and while I won’t argue about the need to address unconventional warfare — like the shit we’ve got going on with pirates and terrorists today — we can’t sit still and watch China building it’s nuclear submarine force, and aircraft carriers, and watch while Russia grabs pieces of Georgia and routinely shakes down Europe over gas, while handing  nuclear technology to Iran — then think all we’ll have to deal with in the future are a handful of pirates or terrorists.  The reason we have unconventional warfare today is because no one in their right mind wants to fight the U.S. in a conventional war.  That will change if we let it.  If Gates and Obama don’t think it will, then their brains are full of shit and need more than bacon to clear them up.”

Pelosi, Queen of Capitulation

Pelosi, Queen of Capitulation

Not everyone agrees with Sluzbolt.  “It’s time that the U.S. lay down it’s arms, stop talking about putting missile defense systems in Europe or anyplace else in the world, and make peace with everyone by smiling a lot and giving anyone who wants something whatever it is they want,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, as she whipped a couple bureaucrats for not printing money fast enough to fund ‘stimulus’ bill crap, like tattoo removal in Los Angeles.  “The quicker we surrender to the demands of pirates and terrorists, the faster we’ll have peace in our time, like we already have with the Russians and Chinese.  If we destroy all of our nuclear weapons and eliminate most of our conventional military forces, the Chinese and Russians will like us even better.  And the pirates are just third world country entrepreneurs – we should be encouraging them by giving them low interest government-guaranteed loans instead of shooting them in the head just because they’re shaking us down like the North Koreans do.  We must progress faster than we are toward peaceful capitulation.  I hope the U.S. SEAL killings don’t give Barack a rush and make him think he can stop evil-doers by shooting them.  We should be giving them money and stuff.  That’s how we rehab rapist-murderers in California.  This is similar.”

Hangover Cure

Hangover Cure

The Telegraph reported that a bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover – by boosting the level of amines which clear the head, scientists have found. Researchers said food also speeds up the metabolism helping the body get rid of the booze more quickly. Elin Roberts, of Newcastle University’s Centre for Life said: “Food doesn’t soak up the alcohol but it does increase your metabolism helping you deal with the after-effects of over indulgence. So food will often help you feel better. Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good. Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of aminos which tops these up, giving you a clearer head.” Better brains with bacon.  Gotta like that.

Real Freedom Fighters

Real Freedom Fighters

CNN reported that in the end, it was a single moment and three phenomenal shots that brought the hostage crisis to its dramatic finish. The on-scene U.S. commander of the USS Bainbridge, which had come to try to negotiate the U.S. ship captain’s release from Somali pirates, could see the three pirates “were very, very intense. One of them held his AK-47 in the back of the captain. We were always concerned about the imminent danger to the captain.” The captain was safe after U.S. Navy SEALS fired three gunshots. All three fatal. Fired in the dark by the highly trained SEALs as the pirates’ boat rocked in the water off Somalia. “Phenomenal shots — 75 feet away,” said Navy Vice Adm. Bill Gortney, who oversees the region. The pirates had repeatedly threatened to kill Phillips, Gortney said. The Navy SEAL team had parachuted in and taken up positions on the Bainbridge’s back deck. Even with the small boat “moving up and down a couple of feet,” the SEALs hit their targets. “Remarkable marksmanship,” Gortney said. In the minutes after, a special operations team shimmied along the tow rope to the lifeboat, confirmed that three pirates had been killed, and took Phillips back to the Navy ships that had gathered nearby.

Obama's new military tech

Obama's new military tech

Xinhuanet reported that last week U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates outlined a new vision of U.S. defense spending as he announced the fiscal year 2010 defense budget plan that cuts funding for many major weapon programs. A number of expensive traditional programs will be terminated under the proposal, including ending purchases of F-22 fighter jets and canceling an Air Force communication satellite program. The defense secretary also proposed delays in other programs, including the CG-X next generation cruiser program as well as the amphibious ship and sea-basing programs. He also calls for stopping development of Army Brigade Combat Teams (BCT).  Gates’ proposal reflects the Obama administration’s bid to shift defense spending focus from preparations for large-scale conventional war to counterinsurgency operations which the new U.S. government thinks would likely to be top military challenges in coming decades.

Gratuitous sling shot bikini pic

Gratuitous sling shot bikini pic

Wall Street Journal reported Friday that Mr. Gates’s budget priorities give no indication of how the Pentagon will ensure that U.S. military dominance extends to the battlefield of the future, outer space. President Obama has said he opposes the “militarization of space,” but space is already a crucial area of operations and China is looking for advantages there. WSJ also said the $1.4 billion in cuts to missile defense are especially worrisome, with losers including the Airborne Laser, designed to shoot down ballistic missiles in the boost phase, and additional interceptors planned for the ground-based system in Alaska. Instead, Mr. Gates favors theater defenses for soldiers on the battlefield with $700 million more in funding, arguing that this will address the near-term threat of short-range missiles. But as North Korea’s recent launch showed, rogue regimes aren’t far away from securing long-range missiles that could reach the U.S.

Gratuitous bacon bra pic

Gratuitous bacon bra pic

In other news, the UK Daily Record reported last week that a cyclist in China was knocked out after being hit by a corpse thrown from a speeding car. Student Wu Dan, 16, was riding home when the incident happened. His uncle Yun Tsui said: “A car passed and a package came flying out the door. It had a dead woman inside. My nephew was very upset.” Police believe she was the victim of a car accident and was being dumped by the driver who had hit her in Dongyang, eastern China.  No word on whether the U.S. Department of Defense has contingency plans in place to defend the U.S. from the flying bodies of Chinese women, but chances are, regardless the conventional or unconventional warfare prep, nobody will see those chicks coming.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/sciencenews/5118283/Bacon-sandwich-really-does-cure-a-hangover.html

3 ‘phenomenal shots’ ended pirate hostage crisis
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/04/13/somalia.rescue.breakdown/

Pentagon chief outlines new vision of U.S. defense spending
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2009-04/07/content_11140154.htm

The Pentagon’s New Priorities
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123932989993207725.html#mod=rss_opinion_main

Requiem for the War on Terror
http://www.alarabonline.org/english/display.asp?fname=2009%5C04%5C04-12%5Czopinionz%5C970.htm&dismode=x&ts=12/04/2009%2002:58:18%20%C3%A3

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Sex and Booze Diet, Selling the Unabomber, and the Coming Solar Storm of Doom

> Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze
> Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online
> Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S.

Inebriated Press
January 14, 2009

090114-hard-body-diet-includes-sex-and-boozeThe National Ledger reported last week that a new diet book called “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” says you can have your cake and eat it to.  The author says it’s too hard to stick with drastic diets and that fat-free foods take a toll on our sex lives.  She says regular helpings of sex, booze and even meat is important. And Fox News reported last week that a federal court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber be sold online with proceeds going to victims and survivors.  Meanwhile, Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth from a powerful magnetic storm capable of disabling satellites, threatening astronaut safety, and even disrupting communication systems. Inebriated reporters are eagerly planning  for lots of booze and sex during the upcoming communications black-out, and the bidding war for the Unabomber writings.

090114-unabomber-manifesto“When I learned that I could become gorgeous on the sex and booze diet and then found out that solar storms were going to knock out the U.S. communication system for months, I figured it was my chance to live large in the dark and come out the other side a hotter babe than I already am now,” said Inebriated reporter Sunny Delight, a part-time writer and full-time sweet drink of female companionship.  “The Unabomber’s writing is probably something that a person who hasn’t lost their free cash in the economic down-turn might want to bid on, but it’s just so much hot air to me.  I mean the guy had to blow up stuff and kill people in order to try and get his point across.  I think the sex and booze diet will sell more copies.”

Solar storm

Solar storm

Not everyone agrees with Delight.  “The coming dark age of an electronic communication-less world will be a time of reflection for people around the earth and everyone will want to read the tome of a guy who blew people up, while they consider their own futures.  I’m sure that Al Qaeda, Hamas and other groups like them will want to read it,” said Dusty Mindbend, a vagrant and part-time explosive expert, who has been thinking a lot about becoming a radical Muslim so he can live his dreams in an ethical manner.  “Let’s face it, with Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid running things in America, that country will go so far to the left that even the Unabomber won’t like it.  We need to pull things to the radical Muslim right and ban sex, booze and the use of electric lights.  It’s a future I can believe in.”

The National Ledger reported that “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” is offered up by Esther Blum to get you on your way to that summer bikini body. “It’s quite possible to have your cake and eat it too,” argues dietitian-nutritionist Blum in this bubbly, vivacious approach to living well the healthy way. Avoiding dietary absolutes and encouraging readers to make gradual changes in their eating habits rather than drastic ones (which are often hard to keep up), Blum’s sensible guide is sure to resonate with young women. She makes compelling arguments for choosing organic foods-going so far as to list the top 12 most contaminated fruits and vegetables-and extols the virtues of grass-fed meat and dairy.”

Booze belt; be prepared

Booze belt; be prepared

“Fat-free diets have had the most awful impact on our sex lives too,” added Blum, who has run her nutrition clinic for 15 years and is a member of the American Dietetic Association and the Certification Board for Nutrition Specialists. “Women have removed fat from their diets, then been surprised when their libido is affected.”

Esther offers, “We live in a low-fat, fat-free culture, and women in particular have done their bodies a disservice, because we have disrupted our hormones to a quite phenomenal degree.”  More sex and a hard body will sound very good to many ladies, even in Hollywood.  Claims have been made that Sarah Jessica Parker has adopted the plan.

Kaczynski

Kaczynski

Fox News reported that a federal appeals court has ordered the writings of the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski, be sold online. Kaczynski is serving a life sentence for killing three people and injuring 23 during a nationwide bombing campaign between 1978 and 1995. The appeals court’s decision upholds a lower court ruling on the matter. Proceeds from the sale will be given to Kaczynski’s victims and their survivors. A judge had ordered Kaczynski to pay $15 million restitution. Representing himself, Kaczynski had objected to the online sale and argued that he should retain control of the papers.

Fox also reported that a new study from the National Academy of Sciences outlines grim possibilities on Earth for a worst-case scenario solar storm. The prediction is based in part on a major solar storm in 1859 that caused telegraph wires to short out in the United States and Europe, igniting widespread fires. When the sun is in the active phase of its 11-year cycle, it can unleash powerful magnetic storms that disable satellites, threaten astronaut safety, and even disrupt communication systems on Earth. The worst storms can knock out power grids by inducing currents that melt transformers.

090114_send_booze2“Impacts would be felt on interdependent infrastructures with, for example, potable water distribution affected within several hours; perishable foods and medications lost in 12-24 hours; immediate or eventual loss of heating/air conditioning, sewage disposal, phone service, transportation, fuel resupply and so on,” the report states. Outages could take months to fix, the researchers say. Banks might close, and trade with other countries might halt. “Emergency services would be strained, and command and control might be lost,” write the researchers, led by Daniel Baker, director of the Laboratory for Atmospheric and Space Physics at the University of Colorado in Boulder. The race is on for better forecasting abilities, as the next peak in solar activity is expected to come around 2012. The report was commissioned and funded by NASA. Experts from around the world in industry, government and academia participated.

Some people say that the solar storm could affect climate change on the earth and that world governments should join together and commission Theodore Kaczynski to destroy the sun and save our planet.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Never mind that we’ve been having one of the coldest winters on record and that the Arctic ice is now at 1979 levels again, it’s still not cold enough to allow earth to survive the coming solar flare-up that’s going to wipe out all digital communications, power grids, baby seals and sex as we know it,” said Stacy McMasterson-Johnson, an executive secretary heavily into the booze and sex diet, sometimes having both at the same time.  “If Ted will blow up the sun I think we can still save this planet from global warming and have time to give Al Gore another award or two.  I may be a drunken nympho but I know what I’m talking about.  It’s not just Joe Biden who has a corner on television technology you know.”

Orgasmic porridge

Orgasmic porridge

In other news, OneIndia reported last week that along with a line of pills, lotions, Yoga and many other things to boost orgasm, Porridge is now an acclaimed adult breakfast cereal. ‘Morning Glory’ by Rude Health, a cereal product, has a growing number of fans including the famous cook Nigella Lawson, among others. Porridge is recommended as a good start for an early day and boosts the libido qualities.  It’s called “an orgasmic breakfast-in-bed”.  Reportedly a mixture of pumpkin seeds with zinc content “for a high-octane sex-drive boost,” barley, rye and quinoa flakes, “for a cheeky wake-up crunch,” all form the main content of the cereal. No word on whether it’s best for you when doused with booze or if it’s included in the “Eat, Drink, and Be Gorgeous” cookbook, but if the power grid goes down I’ll bet you’ll wish you have some.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hard Body Diet Includes Sex and Booze: The Exciting Esther Blum Way
http://www.nationalledger.com/ledgerpop/article_272624461.shtml

Unabomber Writings to Be Sold Online, Court Rules
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478644,00.html

Powerful Solar Storm Could Shut Down U.S. for Months
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,478024,00.html

What Disappearing Sea Ice?
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/01/what_disappearing_sea_ice.html

Bed Breakfast Porridge Promises Orgasm
http://living.oneindia.in/insync/2009/bed-breakfast-porridge-orgasm-080109.html

Tools of the Unabomber’s trade:

090114-unabomber-manifesto-tools

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