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India to launch cow urine as soft drink

Jeremy Page
Times Online – UK
February 11, 2009

Damn that’s tasty cow piss ...

Damn that’s tasty cow piss ...

Delhi — Does your Pepsi lack pep? Is your Coke not the real thing? India’s Hindu nationalist movement apparently has the answer: a new soft drink made from cow urine.

The bovine brew is in the final stages of development by the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India’s biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, according to the man who makes it.

Om Prakash, the head of the department, said the drink – called “gau jal”, or “cow water” – in Sanskrit was undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched “very soon, maybe by the end of this year”.

“Don’t worry, it won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too,” he told The Times from his headquarters in Hardwar, one of four holy cities on the River Ganges. “Its USP will be that it’s going to be very healthy. It won’t be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins.”

The drink is the latest attempt by the RSS – which was founded in 1925 and now claims eight million members – to cleanse India of foreign influence and promote its ideology of Hindutva, or Hindu-ness.

The manufacturing process

The manufacturing process

Hindus revere cows and slaughtering them is illegal in most of India. Cow dung is traditionally used as a fuel and disinfectant in villages, while cow urine and dung are often consumed in rituals to “purify” those on the bottom rungs of the Hindu caste system.

In 2001, the RSS and its offshoots – which include the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party – began promoting cow urine as a cure for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer.

The movement has often been accused of using more violent methods, such as killing 67 Christians in the eastern state of Orissa last year, and assaulting women in a pub in Mangalore last month. It also has a history of targeting foreign business in India, as in 1994, when it organised a nationwide boycott of multinational consumer goods, including Pepsi and Coca Cola.

Get'in thirsty just look'n

Get'in thirsty just look'n

The cola brands are popular in India, now one of their biggest markets, but have struggled in recent years to shake off allegations, which they deny, that they contain dangerous levels of pesticide.

Mr Prakash said his drink, by contrast, was made mainly of cow urine, mixed with a few medicinal and ayurvedic herbs. He said it would be “cheap”, but declined to give further details about its price or ingredients until it was officially launched.

He insisted, however, that it would be able to compete with the American cola brands, even with their enormous advertising budgets. “We’re going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind,” he said. “We may also think of exporting it.”

timesonline.co.uk

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You’re feeling very wealthy …

Selena Valentine

Selena Valentine

Hypnotist’s sweet spell of success

 

By Amber Sutherland
New York Post
January 8, 2009

When hypnotist Selena Valentine snaps her fingers, the economy will still be in the toilet, but that hasn’t stopped dozens of New Yorkers from paying her hundreds of dollars for a trance to strike it rich.

“I told people what I was doing tonight and they think I’m crazy,” said one businessman attending Valentine’s “Millionaire Mindset” meeting Tuesday night in Midtown.

“But I want to convince my clients that they are still millionaires,” he said.

After playing Frank Sinatra’s “I’ve Got You Under My Skin,” on her iPod, Valentine told the professionals who paid the $20 admission to relax their way to riches.

“Go on a journey to your inner self, your inner being,” the busty Valentine said, circling the room in her Louboutin pumps.

“Just allow your inner you to relax. Allow your whole body to relax.”

Financial adviser Amal Gawle, 30, said the meeting interested him because he’s trying to start off the new year with a professional edge.

“My job is performance related, and 2008 was a terrible year in the financial markets,” he said. “I’m trying to stay ahead of the game in 2009 so that I can outperform those around me.”

To better look the part of a millionaire, Gawle said he was wearing his “Donald Trump” suit. Hypnosis was not an act of desperation, he insisted.

“I don’t think you can call anything a last-ditch effort, or else you go on to feeling like that’s it and there’s nothing else left,” he said.

“I try to be positive even when things are bad because you know it’s only temporary.”

With the financial climate as depressing as it is, Gawle said he wanted something different from the networking meetings he normally sees advertised, and was intrigued by illuminating the inner workings of the millionaire mind.

“I deal with many millionaires through work,” he said. “It’s my goal to get there myself.”

Valentine, the author of “How to Date an Exotic Dancer” and a former anchor on the Web-based Naked News, said she was inspired to become a certified hypnotist after the therapy helped her through her own personal struggles.

“My first hypnosis was instant and it changed my outlook on life,” she said. “My life went from a dark period to a positive period.”

She sees an average of three clients a day, each paying $100 for their hourlong sessions.

“I get mostly business professionals,” she said. “They come in wanting to reach their financial goals, but once they see how wonderful hypnosis is, they want help with other things, like smoking.”

nypost.com

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BBQ Tong Torture, Nude Protests, and Trends in Roller-coaster Birthing

> Crooks burn man with BBQ tongs, steal baseball cap collection
> Protesting in the nude in vogue
> Woman rides roller-coaster for hours, unaware of pending birth

Inebriated Press
December 22, 2008

Pregnant or protesting?

Pregnant or protesting?

WSMV-Nashville reported last week that a man was tortured in his home by teenagers using heated barbecue tongs and demanding cash.  Finding no money, they stole his baseball cap collection.  And the UK Sun reported that when it comes to protesting or raising money for a good cause, more and more people are turning to public nudity to get attention.  Meanwhile, the UK Telegraph reported that a woman who spent hours on a roller-coaster-ride went to the hospital with stomach cramps only to discover she was about to give birth.  “I had no idea I was pregnant,” said the fun-park attendee.  Pundits are debating the societal roller-coaster ride of in-home BBQ torture, nude protesters and women shocked to find kids falling out between their legs when all they want to do is have fun.

Will Obama ban this weapon?

Will Obama ban this weapon?

“I remember the time I was surprised by nude PETA protesters giving birth using BBQ tongs outside a grocery store one afternoon in Des Moines, Iowa,” said Bob Thumb, a fry chief and part-time vagrant, always trying to hitch-hike a ride someplace.  “They were saying that Iowa pigs needed more room to give birth and where demonstrating how tricky it is to have kids in a small confined area on the plaza.  I think they’re all nuts, but it was still pretty darned interesting.  The screaming kind of took the positive edge off my experience, but it was pretty cool anyway.  I’d still rather have Pam Anderson protesting nude, but hey, this is Iowa and we take what we can get.  That’s why we still have all the politicians start their presidential campaigns here.”

081222-obamafriends1Not everyone sees it the way Thumb does.  “Nude protests and accidental births are more signs that the world is in an ethical free-fall, and kids torturing a guy in his home for his baseball-cap collection just reinforces that.  Society has lost all traces of common sense and has gotten so lenient we’re letting the whacko’s do what they want in the name of freedom, while the innocent regular folks get shit-on without justice,” said Nancy Drew-Colt, an opinionated fire-arms dealer who packs heat and routinely kicks idiots in the ass because they deserve it.  “And all the Obama talk about ‘change we can believe in’ is followed up with comments that he disagrees with most of the U.S. Constitution indicates we’re continuing to shift away from the traditional values that build this country.  No wonder he didn’t want to wear American flag lapel pins and hung around with convicted racketeer Tony Rezko, anti-American Preacher Jeremiah Wright, Pentagon bomber Bill Ayers and of course Illinois Governor Rod ‘This-Senate-seat-for-hire’ Blagojevich.  The change we’re getting is old-style Chicago politics dressed up in high-tech internet communications.  Yee-ha.”

BBQ tong burns

BBQ tong burns

WSMV-Nashville reported Antonio Viegas was sound asleep when he heard his wife scream. She was out warming up her truck for work. The next thing Viegas knew, three teenagers were in the bedroom, throwing the couple to the ground. During the struggle, one of the robbers’ guns went off, Viegas said. The three teenagers kept demanding cash. When Viegas told them his money was in the bank, they pistol-whipped him, he said. The teens disappeared into the kitchen, where Viegas said they heated barbecue tongs and burned him repeatedly on the neck. Convinced Viegas wasn’t lying about the bank, the teens took his shoes and his baseball cap collection and fled. Because of the torture, police consider these teenagers extremely dangerous.

081222-pam-peta-protest2The Sun reported that when it comes to making a protest or raising money for a 081222-paris-champagne-promogood cause, some people show plenty of naked ambition – literally! Staff at cosmetic firm Lush in Berlin peeled off to make a stand about plastic packaging earlier this week. But they’re not the only ones to get down to the bare essentials to raise awareness about an issue. Members of the public in their hundreds and celebs such as Paris Hilton, Danielle Lloyd and Sarah Michelle Gellar have stripped off to help make the world a better place.

081222-naked-peace-protestThe Telegraph reported that a woman spent hours being thrown around a corkscrew-style roller-coaster ride – unaware she was pregnant and about to give birth. Issy McMurdo was taken to hospital just days later with excruciating stomach cramps which she believed had been caused by something she had eaten. But nurses told the surprised 21-year-old that she was actually in labor. Miss McMurdo, a barmaid, said: “It was a massive shock when they gave me a scan and told me I was in labor. I simply had no idea I was pregnant. I thought I had just put on a little bit of weight. I even went to Alton Towers where pregnant women are warned not to go on the rides. I was flung upside down on the Air ride at speeds of up to 50mph and hurled down drops of 53ft, so it was quite lucky I didn’t go into labor there.”

Some people say it’s the lack of awareness in society today that is causing all the trouble.

081222-sarah-michelle-gellar-skin-disease-awareness1“People in Britain are unaware they’re pregnant and about to give birth, and people in the United States are unaware they just elected a one-term U.S. Senator with no business or governing experience the President, and are about to have their Constitution torn apart,” said Abraham Washington-Lincoln, a fictional character left to make sense of things in the world after most of the real people have abandoned reality.  “People all think they’re voting for the next American Idol TV star instead of President and think that sex and pregnancy are unrelated.  Because nobody notices anything women are going naked in droves trying to get people to notice a cause or product — Paris Hilton is selling champagne nude, Pam Anderson is selling animal ethics naked, Sarah Michelle Gellar is talking up skin disease by showing all of hers and naked people are talking against plastic packaging, etcetera, etcetera. And what are people thinking about when they see them?  Not the cause you can bet on that!  At least most of them look good nude.  Looks may only be skin deep and beauty in the eye of the beholder, but if you’re not going to pay attention to reality you may as well get your heart rate up because it’s healthy.  At least that’s what the article called ‘An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away’ says.  Maybe strip clubs are really health clubs after-all.”

Hard Drive Christmas Tree

Hard Drive Christmas Tree

In other news, Gizmodo reports that a guy made a Christmas tree from 70 recycled computer hard drives.  No word on whether he was nude and using tongs, or if he’s unknowingly made anyone pregnant, but at least the “tree” looks good and won’t hurt the U.S. Constitution.  Finally, something to be thankful for.

 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Bin Laden Lego’s, Somali Pirates, and Illinois Egg Donors

Company offers Lego-style al-Qaeda terrorist toy figures
Somali pirates hijack another boat
More women are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors

Inebriated Press
December 8, 2008

Al-Qaeda Lego

Al-Qaeda Lego

The U.K. Sun reported last week that a company in Britain is offering a range of Lego-styled fighting figures, including an al-Qaeda terrorist – complete with rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades.  And the Washington Post reported last week that despite the best efforts of the U.S. 5th Fleet, NATO, Russia, India and others, Somali pirates keep hijacking more boats.  Meanwhile, as the economy slows, the Chicago Tribune reported last week that more young women are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors to raise money.  Free-wheeling free-market economists say the U.S. Government, global banking system and Detroit auto-makers need to get creative like these folks, and solve their own economic problems.

“Instead of asking the U.S. taxpayers to bail out the government and a host of badly managed companies, these slacker-financially-impaired outfits need to learn from toy companies, egg donors and pirates about how to solve their own economic maladies,” said Marybelle Knee-Hi, a short buxom blonde, often seen in executive board rooms doing things of a questionable nature.  “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  Get some of those creative juices flowing instead of begging for money.  Earn the bucks or take them from somebody by commandeering your competitors’ vessels.  Quit the whining and begging, you panty-wastes.”

Not everyone agrees with Knee-Hi.  “It’s better to ask for help than to stoop to unethical or questionable behavior like stealing, or pandering to terrorist’s children, or trying to hock your body parts or genetic tissue,” said Habeas Corpus-Lite, a short balding declaration, occasionally referred to by people seeking relief.  “I applaud creativity and the free market, but there are times when a helping hand is necessary and may even be better than taking a ship by force.  I don’t think I’m a prude about this, but a little helping hand and some Esprit de corps can go a long way.”

Everybody needs the right accessories!

Everybody needs the right accessories!

The U.K. Sun reported that a range of Lego-style fighting figures — including an al-Qaeda terrorist — is being marketed by the BrickArms company, and has been slammed by religious leaders. The masked follower of 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden comes with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades. Mohammed Shaffiq, of Muslim organisation The Ramadhan Foundation, branded the toy “absolutely disgusting”. He said: “It is glorifying terrorism — the makers should be ashamed. We should be coming together to unite against terrorism, but how is that possible when children are playing with toys like this?”

Osama bin-Lego toy model

Osama bin-Lego toy model

The action figures include a Nazi major, bearing the chilling SS insignia, and a stormtrooper brandishing two grenade launchers. LEGO UK issued a statement saying it is not associated with the toys being sold by BrickArms which have been customised without its knowledge or permission. It continued: “BrickArms is not licensed by LEGO UK to customise LEGO figures and has no links to the LEGO brand.”

The Washington Post reported that Somali pirates hijack another boat — or two or three — every day despite the best efforts of the U.S. 5th Fleet, NATO, Russia, India and others. It may be time for a new strategy. This week, the U.N. Security Council gave Secretary General Ban Ki-moon 90 days to come up with one. The usual nostrums do not look promising. Late last month, for example, the council adopted a British plan for travel and financial sanctions against the pirates’ leading lights. That’s fine, but the pirates seem to have their own means of travel and finance, including million-dollar bounties that fall from the sky in suitcases — and no one seems to know who the leaders are anyway. The concept of a blockade was rejected last month by a NATO spokesman as something not “contemplated” by the Security Council. Now, though, it should be. Trillions of dollars in commercial cargos transit the sea lanes annually; so long as they do, thugs in boats will prey on them.

Eggs-R-Us

Eggs-R-Us

The Chicago Tribune reported that three egg donor agencies in Illinois have joined forces to offer a first-in-the-nation guarantee for would-be parents: If a young woman who agrees to provide eggs to an infertile couple changes her mind, they can select another donor at any of the agencies for a relatively minimal fee. Sometimes young women agree to become a donor and then back out because they get a new job, are accepted in graduate school, fall in love, or simply get cold feet, said Nazca Fontes, president of ConceiveAbilities in Chicago, one of the three participating agencies. The cooperative arrangement, launched last week, comes amid anecdotal reports that more woman are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors in the current economic downturn. Even before the financial crisis, this niche of assisted reproduction was growing rapidly, fueled in part by older couples trying to have children.

Some people say that government handouts and marketing reproductive tissue go together like bacon and eggs.

“Congress is always passing pork-laden bills and giving special cash gifts to towns, companies or other countries, and women have always sold themselves for sex of some kind — that’s why they call it the world’s oldest profession.  This is just a modern twist on the old story,” said Tammy Tiger, a serial stripper and part-time spot-welder at the mid-town Bed, Body and Steel Works. “People are getting over-wrought and nervous and even the gamefully employed are cutting back on buying things; so the down-turn is now feeding on itself.  A handful of badly managed companies are tearing up the nation’s confidence in itself and we’re going to wreck the economy ourselves if this keeps up.  We need to get a grip, use some common sense and settle down.  I’m still going to sell a few of my own eggs just for the cash and probably buy some jewelry or take a cruise in pirate infested waters.  It’s my way of helping out the economy.  The way cloning is going nobody will need a woman’s eggs pretty soon anyway and they’ll be worthless.  Better to get while the getting’s good.”

In other news, the U.K. Telegraph reported last week that Japan is in grip of a blood type obsession. A growing number of Japanese believe that the answer to every problem — from how to snare a prospective lover to the best way to secure a promotion at work — lies in their blood type. From reserved perfectionists Type As and confidently curious Type Os to flamboyant free-thinking Type Bs and high maintenance Type Abs, there are products and services to suit every blood type. Matchmaking services, employment opportunities and beauty products are among a raft of aspects of modern day Japanese life that subscribe to the blood typology theory. No word on which blood type tends to buy terrorist action figures or hijack ships, but perhaps there’s a chapter on the best approach to take when selling your ovarian production.  Or not.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Great Sex Before Lock-Up, Cut Taxes to Get Talent, and Dirty Handed Women

Hedge Fund CEO has “crazy sex” after sentencing
Personal Tax Rates Fall Worldwide as Governments Pursue Best Workers
Women carry more bacteria on their hands than men

Inebriated Press
November 5, 2008

As income earning American citizens ponder years of future tax prison, some find it instructive to consider what hedge fund CEO Sam Israel did before he handed himself over to the authorities to begin serving his sentence: according to the New York Post, he had “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan.  Meanwhile, Tax-News.com reported that top personal tax rates have fallen worldwide from an average of 31.3% to 28.8% as countries slash rates to keep and acquire top quality workers.  But not everyone is concerned about sex and taxes; they’re worried that women are all being caught dirty-handed.  According to USA Today, women’s hands contain more bacteria than men do, and a lot more variety.  Pundits debate the next four years of American history and wonder if they should wash their hands of bacteria and taxes, then have sex and move to Ireland.

“We all knew that with the $700 billion bail-out and trillions of national debt, that we Americans were going to be paying higher taxes; the only difference was how much and how soon.  The only real decision was whether we’d pick Obama and get tax hikes bigger and faster, or McCain and have fewer coming at us slower,” said Horatio Hu, a company owner and part-time Dr. Seuss character, who listens well and doubts most things politicians claim.  “Meanwhile corporations in Ireland have profits taxed at 12.5% and individuals pay 20% up to $50,000 and then 41% on income above that.  I’m having crazy sex with my wife Sally right after she washes her hands, and then moving my company and family to Ireland.  That way I get to have my cake and eat it too.  Or something like that.”

Not everyone is as selfish as Hu.  “We should all stay here in America and pay higher taxes and live with our dirty hands,” said a U.S. welfare and multiple-government-program hand-out recipient, dreaming of better times.  “I got all the sex I want and have kids strewn all over the east side.  People need to pay more taxes so Uncle Sam can give the kids mothers’ bigger checks to get along.  Damn rich people have been able to keep too much of their own money for way too long.  That shit’s got to end or I’m going to wash my hands of American style socialism and join the Communist Party.”

The New York Post reported Monday that the first thing Sam Israel, the CEO of collapsed hedge fund Bayou, did after receiving a 20-year sentence to federal prison in April, was have “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan. Israel, 48, faked his own death in June to avoid prison by scrawling “Suicide Is Painless” on the hood of his abandoned car. He’d already been sentenced and ordered to pay his swindled victims $350 million, but the judge had given him “six weeks to settle his affairs.” Israel vanished the morning he was supposed to surrender. Weeks later, his mother handed him over to authorities. Now Ryan, who confessed to helping her boyfriend flee, opens up to Marie Claire magazine about their relationship. The leggy blonde described Israel as a “holy lamb,” even though her romance with him left her $500,000 in debt and with a criminal record.

Tax-News.com reported last Friday that top personal income tax rates around the world have fallen by an average of 2.5% in the past six years, as governments strive to balance their need for revenue with the impact of increasing global labor mobility, a new study from KPMG International has found. Worldwide, top personal tax rates have fallen from an average of 31.3% in 2003 to 28.8% in 2008. But European Union (EU) taxpayers still pay the highest rates, at an average of 36.4%, followed by taxpayers in the Asia Pacific countries with an average of 34.6% and those of Latin America at 26.9%, KPMG said. Excluding those countries which levy no tax at all, the lowest EU rate is in Bulgaria, with a newly introduced flat rate of 10%, down from 24%. In Asia Pacific the lowest is in Hong Kong, with 16% and in Latin America it is in Paraguay with 10%.

According to a New York Times article published January 2008, the tax on corporate profits in Ireland is 12.5 percent, which is an incentive to own a business. Personal income tax rates in Ireland today are 20 percent on the first $50,000 of income and 41 percent on income above that. The Group, Enterprise Ireland, has also been putting up initial capital for venture investment funds and supports research and development. “We must support new approaches, nanotechnology, biotechnology and other sciences,” said Kevin Sherry, a director of Enterprise Ireland, who specializes in start-up companies. “Because we cannot succeed in the future using what got us here in the past.” 

USA Today reported Monday that a new study found women have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men do. “The sheer number of bacteria species detected on the hands of the study participants was a big surprise, and so was the greater diversity of bacteria we found on the hands of women,” said lead researcher Noah Fierer, an assistant professor in Colorado’s department of ecology and evolutionary biology. The researchers aren’t sure why women harbored a greater variety of bacteria than men, but Fierer suggested it may have to so with the acidity of the skin. University of Colorado biochemistry assistant professor Rob Knight, a co-author of the paper, said men generally have more acidic skin than women. Asked if guys should worry about holding hands with girls, Knight said: “I guess it depends on which girl.”  Some people say that just as some girls have fewer bacteria than others there-by reflecting differences in risk and reward to male suitors, so too, some countries have a better tax structure and there-by reflect differences in risk and reward to high quality workers.

“I’m checking all the women I’m considering building a life with for bacteria first, and I’m checking all the countries I’m considering building a business in for tax levels on business and personal income,” said Ima Genius-Corp, a hard working American-born guy who values long-term physical and financial health.  “I’m not having ‘crazy sex’ or starting a ‘crazy business’ just anywhere and anytime.  I’m done with this ‘I was born here and so I’ll start a business here and get married to whomever is cute and nearby’ stuff. If germs and the government are going to treat me as so much fodder then I’m fighting back by sticking with my American derived principles and becoming a global citizen.  I didn’t leave my country, my country left me.”

In other news, The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that the “Rapture Index,” a web based “end of the world” indicator, modeled after the Dow Jones Industrial Average and run by Todd Strandberg of Bellevue, Nebraska, is now receiving 50,000 hits a day [raptureready.com]. The Index consists of 45 categories of prophetic indicators from the occult to inflation and the crime rate. According to Strandberg the current economic downturn, the war in Iraq and the uncertainty of what will really happen after the U.S. presidential election, is causing many to think that the end of the world is at hand.  No word on whether the website suggests moving to Ireland or having crazy sex will help, but I’m washing my hands more because it’s the easiest thing I can do to try and improve my chance of survival in the days ahead. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Animal-Human Embryos OK’d, Small-Chested Drivers Dodge Ban, and One Man’s Fight to Marry a Comic Book Character

United Kingdom passes law allowing creation of animal-human embryos
Vietnam suspends plan to ban small-chested drivers
Japanese man petitions government to marry comic book character
Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008
Barack Obama and John McCain

Barack Obama and John McCain

With the eyes of the United States focused on the presidential election between Barack Obama and John McCain, and talk of freedom, socialism and a brave new world swirls around citizens ankles like autumn leaves in mid-America, the rest of the world is busy hammering out the details of human-animal cloning, small chested car drivers and human-cartoon-character weddings.

The Straights Times reported last week that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos and also ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can be harvested in order to treat them. And the Times Herald-Record reported that Vietnam’s Health Ministry, facing mounting criticism, suspended a plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. Meanwhile a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to pressure the government into allowing marriages between humans and cartoon characters. While America plays politics, other global citizens stick to business.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

“If Americans had half a brain they’d know that politics and candidates are irrelevant to the future and only clones, chest-size and cartoon characters hold the keys to power and contextual bliss in the age ahead,” said Georgia O’Malley, a former French neo-Nazi and current World-Champion Stripper-Hula-Hoopist.  “Until I won the Stripper Hula-Hoop championship after getting silicon implants, marrying a Superman comic book and cloning myself for future parts, my life had little meaning and was boring to boot.  But now I’m a winner, I’ve got a new me growing for parts in Britain and I have a chest that gives me the right to drive in Vietnam.  I can read my husband like the comic book he is, and have renewed freedom and confidence in a worldwide spiritual awakening lead by Barack Obama.  It’s true that I still can’t find my socks and forget my own name occasionally, but that’s only jet-lag because I’m a futuristic babe on course to vote for the next U.S. president in Ohio.  Thanks to ACORN, it works for all of us, no matter who we are or where we’re from.”

Not everyone has a clue as to what O’Malley is talking about.  “You can toy with silicon and play with your genes, even marry a comic-book character in some countries, but when it comes down to ones right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, you’d better show up and fight for it politically or your genes won’t be your own, and no comic book hero will save you, regardless of your silicon based cup size,” said Sally Anne Armstrong, a free-love, equal-rights, NRA member, who values the rights granted her in the U.S. Constitution above income redistribution and equality derived by crushing those better off than she is.  “I don’t cling to god and guns like some folks do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support the Christian-Judeo foundation of government practiced by the U.S. which has provided the safest, strongest, most robust economy and freest nation in the history of the world.  I’m not tossing that overboard gambling that we can elect any form of government and it’ll be okay.  When in doubt I stick to the fundamentals.  And there’s plenty to be in doubt about these days.”

The Straights Times reported that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos for medical research, in the biggest shake-up of embryology laws in two decades. The wide-ranging Bill, which has been debated for months, would also allow ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can help treat them. In addition, it gives lesbians and single women easier access to in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment by removing requirements for clinics to consider a child’s need for a father. The new law comes amid an ongoing race by the medical research community to find a way to grow stem cells, which have the potential to develop into any of the body’s cell types. Opponents of Britain’s proposed law warn that the easing of laws on creating embryos could lead to the genetic engineering of human beings, with religious groups calling it the next step on a ‘slippery slope’. The landmark Commons vote makes Britain one of the handful of countries in the world to encourage such ground-breaking research. Hybrids, or ‘admixed embryos’, are banned in at least 21 countries.

No one stops her from driving.

No one stops her from driving.

The Times Herald-Record reported that faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam’s Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes – as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds). When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts. Thursday’s state-run Tuoi Tre newspaper quoted ministry official Nguyen Huy Quang as saying the proposal would be suspended.

Australia’s News.com reported that a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the “two-dimensional world”. Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters. Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures. “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he wrote. “However, that seems impossible with present-day technology. Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?” Japan only permits marriage between human men and women and gives no legal recognition to same-sex relationships. Some people say that once Barack Obama is president of the world, all forms of reality will be replaced by legalized relativity, finally freeing everyone to be or not to be, and giving others the same freedom to ignore or embrace those claims, as long as they give all forms of control and capital to the new Administration.

Is perception really reality?

Is perception really reality?

“We’ve known for some time that all reality is simply perception and that limits of law and nature exist only because they’re allowed to by the bourgeoisie,” said new world citizen Humphrey Zardoz, a former new age Missourian, busy shedding the last vestiges of human limitation and his tight underwear.  “In the future there will be no haves or have-nots, no humans or animals, no planet or stars, all is one and we share life and plasma and energy.  We’ll share the parts of our unborn, grown for the occasion.  We’ll marry cartoons and engage in new laws based on chest size.  Chaos and fun will be the rule of the day and it’ll be great until the cows come home — and they usually do.  Some asshole with a nuke will decide what we do and issue a lock-down and make authoritarian statements backed by crabby people with guns and explosives.  Those idiots always show up and the next thing you know civilization is struggling for freedom and equality again.  But what the hey, the world has gone for centuries under god-less terrors and North America has dodged damn near all of that.  It’s about time the freedom lovers of America loose their luster and live in the ethical swap of relativism and find out whether the good-old-days really were. Let nothing stand in the way of our behaving as though we’re gods and see what happens.  It’s worth the gamble.  Let’er rip!”

New reality?

New reality?

In other news, Reuters reported last week that an al Qaeda leader has called for President George W. Bush and the Republicans to be “humiliated,” without endorsing a party in the upcoming U.S. presidential election, according to an Internet video posting. Militant postings on al Qaeda-linked websites have been debating the outcome of an Obama election with some forecasting a racial crisis dividing the United States if he wins. Others say his planned withdrawal from Iraq would be a boon to al Qaeda’s affiliate and give it a base for Middle East expansion. No word on whether al Qaeda plans to begin cloning suicide bombers in British Petri dishes or switch from forcing Muslim girls into arranged marriages with old men to cartoon characters instead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Woman Gives Birth to Grandchildren; Blondes are Good Girlfriends, Brunettes Better Wives

Ohio woman becomes grandmother by giving birth to her own grandchildren
Survey shows blondes are best girlfriends, but brunettes’ best to settle down with

Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008

UK’s Metro reported last week that a 56-year-old Ohio woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her grandchildren.  And the UK Telegraph reported last week that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for marrying. Pundits are debating whether hair color or embryo implantation will drive the future of women in the new age.

“I think people will be giving birth to their own parents in the years ahead, what with cloning going full force and genetic modification becoming as easy as dying your hair,” said Laurie Loose-Labia, a practical nurse and voluntary hostage at the Hapless Tiger Lounge for Sadomasochists.  “I’m just a nurse and non-profit volunteer but I understand enough about science and current trends to know that it won’t be long before the combination of cloning, in vitro implantation and self-hypnosis will drive the majority of human reproduction and Tupper Ware party activity in this country.”

Not so good wife?

Not so good wife?

Not everyone agrees with Loose-Labia.  “We won’t be going much farther down the science fiction reality show before we pull back and get into serious old-school reproduction and honest hair color, like nature intended,” said Mary Soho-Cupcake, a hunting party guide known to be both hard and soft, and in all the right places.  “I’m no quasi intellectual Kafkaesque pheasant hunter, but I can tell you that there are dark places in the psyche that modern science is taking us into, and we’d darn well better turn around before we get lost in there.  Stick to old style sex, normal hair color and only shoot stuff you want dead.  Don’t pretend you can mix and match genes and bodies like so much Lego.  We’re playing with fire kids.  Some body’s going to get burned.  Watch out its not you.”

The UK Metro reported that Jaci Dalenberg, 56, from Ohio USA, carried two identical twins and their sister, as a surrogate mother for her daughter Kim Coseno and her husband. The woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her own grandchildren. The 56-year-old gave birth to triplets by having IVF, and embryos implanted into her uterus. The twins and their sister were two-months premature and all four are said to be doing fine. Jaci is said to have offered her service after her daughter was waiting to adopt with her husband.

The UK Telegraph reported that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for settling down with. Almost one in five say blondes are sexier than other girls; with just under half saying they had more outgoing personalities. When it comes to marriage, however, more than half said they would rather wed a dark-haired woman because they were more dependable and sensible. Out of a poll of 3,000 men, almost half said dark-haired women were the most loving. Men also felt brunettes were the best homemakers with 51 per cent thinking they were best at organizing the home, while 48 per cent thought they were the best cooks. Some people say that over-weight women are the best at everything, regardless their hair color or desire to toy with genetics.

Good at everything.

Good at everything.

“You can’t judge a woman by the color of her hair or whether she claims to be willing to give birth to her own grandchildren.  What’s the most important is whether she’s a bit on the chubby side ‘cause then she’ll have sex with you,” said Mr. McGee, some guy who wandered in off the street carrying a copy of the Rocky Mountain News.  “It says right here that overweight females have more sex, and it’s obvious that they do plenty of grocery shopping and cooking – all of which are darned important. According to an award winning study at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ annual meeting, 92 percent of overweight women have had sexual intercourse while only 87 percent of normal body weight women have.  It just goes to show you that hair color and in vitro fertilization aren’t everything.”

Twinkie

Twinkie

In other news, CNN reported yesterday that Hostess Twinkies are becoming the latest product remade and repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs, a product some analysts say could do well given that more people are packing their own lunches in the slumping economy. The maker of the golden yellow, creme-filled cake launched “Twinkie Bites” nationwide in stores on Monday. It’s also introducing a snack pack featuring strawberry cupcakes as it extends the 100-calorie pack line originally aimed at women who wanted to snack more sensibly. No word on how the Hostess people feel about the sex habits or hair color of women, but a Twinkies sales boost would come at an opportune time for Interstate Bakeries, as it seeks creditor approval of a plan that would allow the Kansas City-based company to exit more than four years of bankruptcy.

(C) InebriatedPress.com

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Genes Cause Bad Behavior as Somali Pirates Live Well and Muslims Try to Ban Yoga

Psychologist says 40% of bad behavior is genetic
Pirates that attacked Ukrainian vessel marry beautiful girls, live like kings
Islamic council bans women from wearing pants, now battle yoga

Inebriated Press
October 31, 2008

ABC News reported Tuesday that an Australian psychologist aggregated data from hundreds of studies and concluded that 40 per cent of bad behavior is the result of human genetics. And BBC News reported Tuesday that modern-day Somali pirates are living the high-life; marrying the most beautiful girls, building the biggest houses, have brand new cars and new guns. Meanwhile, Reuters reported on Wednesday that Malaysia’s top Islamic council, not content with banning women from wearing trousers, now wants a ban on yoga.  Pundits are debating the impact of genes on pirates, anti-yoga-Muslims and U.S. voters who think a man with anti-American friends should be President of the United States.

“Now that the 1960’s ‘god is dead’ years have become institutionalized in American society, and the old saying ‘the devil made me do it’ is dead along with the concept of god, we have found something new to excuse bad and even stupid behavior: our genes,” said Lacy Meringue-Trueheart, a corporate consultant and a brunette of some distinction.  “So while Muslims with a mindset from the third century are trying to ban blue jeans and exercise, we can excuse them because they have odd genes.  If we elect Barack Obama we’ll be excusing ourselves for adopting a new policy of self-hatred and in the year’s ahead call it a momentary genetic deviation.  Say what you want, but if we ignore Obama’s actions of hanging with anti-Americans and his desire to reinterpret the U.S. Constitution and his far left voting record, and instead choose to believe his P.R. spin, we get what we deserve.  What we should do is stop blaming our problems on ‘the rich’ or our genetics, and take some personal responsibility.  Elect people with common sense and guts, and then use the tools at our disposal to boot-strap ourselves to the lives we want using hard work and commitment.  Government economic ‘justice’ is what the Soviet Union delivered.  I want none of that shit.”

Not everyone agrees with Meringue-Trueheart.  “I deserve to live like a Somali pirate and the federal government owes it to me, because that’s what I want and that’s what I believe,” said an unemployed-unnamed Barack Obama supporter, who has been living off of government assistance for fifteen years, having decided that working forty hours-a-week didn’t suit his genetic makeup.  “All those rich people like Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Condoleezza Rice, Muhammad Ali and Tony Rezko are living easy because of their genetics and not from working hard.  They and their kind owe me because my genetics say I don’t want to put in a lot of work.  Some folks just like to work and have a hard time making out, but that’s because their genes won’t let them get the big jobs.  But we should all live like Somali pirates.  Barack understands that.  I don’t know about the Muslims and the yoga thing though.  Some weird stuff going on in that DNA.”

Australia Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) reported that an Australian psychologist has aggregated the results of hundreds of studies on human behavior and found 40 per cent can be put down to human genetics. “While there had been many studies done on specific behaviors such as alcoholism or smoking, we were interested to see if we could put a figure on the genetic influence on behavior in general,” said Dr John Malouff, from the University of New England. “We looked at a whole range of normal and problem behaviors, and what we found was that again and again, the genetic component of these behaviors tended to clump around the 40 per cent mark.” However, he was quick to add that genes were not “destiny”. “People need to keep working on their bad habits or behaviors if they want to change them, especially if they are predisposed to continue them,” he said. The findings are published in the journal Current Psychology.

BBC News reported that the hijacked Ukrainian vessel, MV Faina – the ship laden with 33 Russian battle tanks – has highlighted the problem of piracy off the Somali coast since it was captured almost a month ago. According to residents in the Somali region of Puntland where most of the pirates come from, the pirates live a lavish life. “They have money; they have power and they are getting stronger by the day,” says Abdi Farah Juha who lives in the regional capital, Garowe. “They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars; new guns,” he says. “Piracy in many ways is socially acceptable. They have become fashionable.”  Most of them are aged between 20 and 35 years and are in it for the money.  And the rewards they receive are rich in a country where almost half the population need food aid after 17 years of non-stop conflict. Most vessels captured in the busy shipping lanes of the Gulf of Aden fetch on average a ransom of $2m.

Reuters reported that Malaysia’s top Islamic council, not content with banning women from wearing trousers, now wants a ban on yoga, according to a report on state news agency Bernama. Professor Zakaria Stapa of Universiti Kebangsaan, Malaysia’s Islamic Studies Center, told a seminar on Wednesday that Muslims who had taken up yoga should stop practicing as it could damage their faith, Bernama said. Last week the Fatwa Council decreed that tomboyish behavior by girls, including wearing trousers, was immoral as it may lead to the practice of lesbian sex. The National Fatwa Council’s Deputy Director-General Othman Mustapha told reporters after a seminar on Islamic jurisprudence on Thursday that the announcement would be made soon. Some people say women in trousers and lesbian sex go together like a Democrat and tax cuts.

“If you honestly believe that when a woman puts on a pair of pants she start wanting lesbian sex, then you’ll probably believe a Democrat who tells you he’s going to cut your taxes,” said Les Filibuster, a working man with a weakness for god and guns, who struggles to give up common sense even during elections.  “When pinned down on how hiking taxes on the people who pay most of them already would actually hurt the US economy, Barack says he’d still do it out of ‘fairness’.  What the heck kind of fairness takes a guy’s hard earned money and gives it to somebody else while hurting the overall country economically?  Obama is in conflict with himself.  That’s why he hangs with Rezko who ripped off the poor by sticking them with no heat in low income housing, and with an anti-American pastor who just retired in a multi-million dollar house on a golf course with a ten-million-dollar line of credit.  Barack will play you anyway he can if it gets him what he wants.  I don’t know if it’s learned behavior or his genes; but I don’t trust him.”

In related news, the Phoenix Business Journal reported Wednesday that Barack Obama’s plan to raise the top two federal income tax rates would increase taxes on up to 1.3 million small businesses that file taxes under personal income categories, according to rival analyses. Many of those small businesses are startups, sole proprietorships and home-based companies. Arizona Sen. John McCain said he wants to keep personal income tax rates at current levels and favors a 10 percent cut in corporate income taxes. He also has proposed a 7.5 percent, two-year reduction in the capital gains tax. The McCain campaign and some small businesses say Obama’s tax increases on higher incomes are just the beginning of spending plans that will prompt future tax increases. No word on why Obama believes that taking money away from the engines that drive the U.S. economy will make it grow faster, but then, I probably don’t have the genes necessary to understand. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Japanese weight loss service provides nagging virtual wife
Woman arrested for hacking online game to kill virtual husband
Iran announces support for Barack Obama presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 27, 2008

Gizmodo reported last week that a new Japanese service provides a virtual wife that emails you each day, and nags you to stick to your weight loss plan. And Wired reported last week that a 43-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into an online game where she killed her once-virtual husband. Meanwhile, Y-Netnews reported last week that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year because he’s “more rational”. Pundits debate the benefits of fake reality and Iran’s definition of “rational.”

“I have to believe that the rantings of Iranian President Ahmadinejad about wiping Israel off the face of the earth, and his claims that the Jewish Holocaust never happened, are part of the Iranian definition of ‘rational’; and since these guys think Obama would be the best president for the U.S. because he has the same kind of ‘rational’ they have, I’m voting for McCain on that basis alone,” said Sane Persson, a regular American taxpayer clinging to god and guns while praying for the return of common sense to U.S. government. “I mean, let’s think about this for a second. The people who hate us the most are calling a first term junior senator with zero foreign policy experience the guy who should be running our country. If we miss the real meaning behind that statement, all we’ll have left is a virtual hope for a saving change. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

Not everyone agrees with Sane Persson. “It’s important that the U.S. elects someone who will engage with terrorists and America-hating leaders in order to learn what they want us to change into so they’ll like us better, and Obama’s the man because he gets along fine with America-haters in this country — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan — and a host of others,” said Dimm Bulbb, an unemployed Democrat with a journalism degree, who looks to make out big in an Obama presidency and finally move out of his parents basement. “John McCain can’t do it because he doesn’t get along with people who oppress others; his stint in Vietnam proves that. He could have given in and went along with his captors but he refused. And his running mate Sarah Palin, she can’t do it, because she reformed her own Party in Alaska, cut government expenses and taxes, while increasing state oil revenues by negotiating with the big oil companies. She’d never bend to the will of OPEC or let pork-barrel spending go on unabated. Nope, McCain and Palin are not suited for D.C. Barack is our man, and with Biden routinely predicting future disasters ahead of time, we’ll always be able to see terrible shit coming. In fact a Democrat White House plus both Houses of Congress guarantees it. I’m feeling more confident in the future all the time!”

Y-Netnews reported that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Wednesday that Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year. “We are leaning more in favor of Barack Obama because he is more flexible and rational, even though we know American policy will not change that much,” Larijani said at a press conference during a visit to Bahrain. Larijani, a leading figure in the conservative camp in Iran, also said the United States was too busy dealing with the global financial crisis to consider waging an attack on Iran. “The risk was low before,” he said. “But now I am 100% certain that the United States will not unleash a war against Iran. The economic crisis has cost the United States $1.4 trillion and Washington is working to resolve its internal problems and not a war.”

Gizmodo reported that lonely Japanese fatties now have a new way to make themselves lose weight: a virtual nagging wife. Metaboinfo.com allows you to set up a weight loss plan, then assign one of four “wives” (aid, businesswoman, nurse or salon worker) to email you on a daily basis. Depending on whether you’re ahead or behind the curve, you’ll get nice or super annoying email customized for your current status. This reminds us a lot of the Japanese DVD that teaches you confidence by having women stare at you for an hour and a half. Oh, Japan!

Wired reported that a 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said. Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder. According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.” The hacking allegation carries a maximum five-year prison term. Some people say that the woman — as well as Al Qaeda, Hamas, Iran, North Korea and Russia — are only bad in a virtual way, and are not dangerous in reality.

“The idea that there are any really bad people, organizations or countries is just a virtual concept being purported by those who want military money to spend on gadgets and gizmos and want American’s to be placated and docile and do whatever they’re told,” said someone claiming to be Michael Moore, a movie maker and secret MENSA member, whose giant brain is housed in a giant body and is mostly intellectual blubber. “The day America completely adopts a socialist system with Cuban healthcare, Venezuelan management-style and Russian-Iranian attitudes about freedom, is the day Utopia comes to set us free. Now if I could get that damn nagging virtual wife to get off my ass about my weight I’d really be happy about how things are going. If she keeps this up I may have to get that Palin email hacker to take the bitch out.”

In other news, WTAE Pittsburg reported that two men stole a purse from an unlocked car in Westmoreland County and went on a shopping spree at a porn store. The article said that after taking the purse the suspects entered the Novelties and Gifts Adult Book Store on Route 22 near Blairsville, Indiana County, where police say they purchased about $200 worth of pornographic materials using one of the stolen credit cards. No word on whether the thieves like real or virtual sex, but if Obama gets his way crime will almost certainly go down, because he’ll give these guys your money to buy porn with. Peace and happiness isn’t just for the Iranians anymore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor