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India to launch cow urine as soft drink

Jeremy Page
Times Online – UK
February 11, 2009

Damn that’s tasty cow piss ...

Damn that’s tasty cow piss ...

Delhi — Does your Pepsi lack pep? Is your Coke not the real thing? India’s Hindu nationalist movement apparently has the answer: a new soft drink made from cow urine.

The bovine brew is in the final stages of development by the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), India’s biggest and oldest Hindu nationalist group, according to the man who makes it.

Om Prakash, the head of the department, said the drink – called “gau jal”, or “cow water” – in Sanskrit was undergoing laboratory tests and would be launched “very soon, maybe by the end of this year”.

“Don’t worry, it won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too,” he told The Times from his headquarters in Hardwar, one of four holy cities on the River Ganges. “Its USP will be that it’s going to be very healthy. It won’t be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins.”

The drink is the latest attempt by the RSS – which was founded in 1925 and now claims eight million members – to cleanse India of foreign influence and promote its ideology of Hindutva, or Hindu-ness.

The manufacturing process

The manufacturing process

Hindus revere cows and slaughtering them is illegal in most of India. Cow dung is traditionally used as a fuel and disinfectant in villages, while cow urine and dung are often consumed in rituals to “purify” those on the bottom rungs of the Hindu caste system.

In 2001, the RSS and its offshoots – which include the opposition Bharatiya Janata Party – began promoting cow urine as a cure for ailments ranging from liver disease to obesity and even cancer.

The movement has often been accused of using more violent methods, such as killing 67 Christians in the eastern state of Orissa last year, and assaulting women in a pub in Mangalore last month. It also has a history of targeting foreign business in India, as in 1994, when it organised a nationwide boycott of multinational consumer goods, including Pepsi and Coca Cola.

Get'in thirsty just look'n

Get'in thirsty just look'n

The cola brands are popular in India, now one of their biggest markets, but have struggled in recent years to shake off allegations, which they deny, that they contain dangerous levels of pesticide.

Mr Prakash said his drink, by contrast, was made mainly of cow urine, mixed with a few medicinal and ayurvedic herbs. He said it would be “cheap”, but declined to give further details about its price or ingredients until it was officially launched.

He insisted, however, that it would be able to compete with the American cola brands, even with their enormous advertising budgets. “We’re going to give them good competition as our drink is good for mankind,” he said. “We may also think of exporting it.”

timesonline.co.uk

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You’re feeling very wealthy …

Selena Valentine

Selena Valentine

Hypnotist’s sweet spell of success

 

By Amber Sutherland
New York Post
January 8, 2009

When hypnotist Selena Valentine snaps her fingers, the economy will still be in the toilet, but that hasn’t stopped dozens of New Yorkers from paying her hundreds of dollars for a trance to strike it rich.

“I told people what I was doing tonight and they think I’m crazy,” said one businessman attending Valentine’s “Millionaire Mindset” meeting Tuesday night in Midtown.

“But I want to convince my clients that they are still millionaires,” he said.

After playing Frank Sinatra’s “I’ve Got You Under My Skin,” on her iPod, Valentine told the professionals who paid the $20 admission to relax their way to riches.

“Go on a journey to your inner self, your inner being,” the busty Valentine said, circling the room in her Louboutin pumps.

“Just allow your inner you to relax. Allow your whole body to relax.”

Financial adviser Amal Gawle, 30, said the meeting interested him because he’s trying to start off the new year with a professional edge.

“My job is performance related, and 2008 was a terrible year in the financial markets,” he said. “I’m trying to stay ahead of the game in 2009 so that I can outperform those around me.”

To better look the part of a millionaire, Gawle said he was wearing his “Donald Trump” suit. Hypnosis was not an act of desperation, he insisted.

“I don’t think you can call anything a last-ditch effort, or else you go on to feeling like that’s it and there’s nothing else left,” he said.

“I try to be positive even when things are bad because you know it’s only temporary.”

With the financial climate as depressing as it is, Gawle said he wanted something different from the networking meetings he normally sees advertised, and was intrigued by illuminating the inner workings of the millionaire mind.

“I deal with many millionaires through work,” he said. “It’s my goal to get there myself.”

Valentine, the author of “How to Date an Exotic Dancer” and a former anchor on the Web-based Naked News, said she was inspired to become a certified hypnotist after the therapy helped her through her own personal struggles.

“My first hypnosis was instant and it changed my outlook on life,” she said. “My life went from a dark period to a positive period.”

She sees an average of three clients a day, each paying $100 for their hourlong sessions.

“I get mostly business professionals,” she said. “They come in wanting to reach their financial goals, but once they see how wonderful hypnosis is, they want help with other things, like smoking.”

nypost.com

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BBQ Tong Torture, Nude Protests, and Trends in Roller-coaster Birthing

> Crooks burn man with BBQ tongs, steal baseball cap collection
> Protesting in the nude in vogue
> Woman rides roller-coaster for hours, unaware of pending birth

Inebriated Press
December 22, 2008

Pregnant or protesting?

Pregnant or protesting?

WSMV-Nashville reported last week that a man was tortured in his home by teenagers using heated barbecue tongs and demanding cash.  Finding no money, they stole his baseball cap collection.  And the UK Sun reported that when it comes to protesting or raising money for a good cause, more and more people are turning to public nudity to get attention.  Meanwhile, the UK Telegraph reported that a woman who spent hours on a roller-coaster-ride went to the hospital with stomach cramps only to discover she was about to give birth.  “I had no idea I was pregnant,” said the fun-park attendee.  Pundits are debating the societal roller-coaster ride of in-home BBQ torture, nude protesters and women shocked to find kids falling out between their legs when all they want to do is have fun.

Will Obama ban this weapon?

Will Obama ban this weapon?

“I remember the time I was surprised by nude PETA protesters giving birth using BBQ tongs outside a grocery store one afternoon in Des Moines, Iowa,” said Bob Thumb, a fry chief and part-time vagrant, always trying to hitch-hike a ride someplace.  “They were saying that Iowa pigs needed more room to give birth and where demonstrating how tricky it is to have kids in a small confined area on the plaza.  I think they’re all nuts, but it was still pretty darned interesting.  The screaming kind of took the positive edge off my experience, but it was pretty cool anyway.  I’d still rather have Pam Anderson protesting nude, but hey, this is Iowa and we take what we can get.  That’s why we still have all the politicians start their presidential campaigns here.”

081222-obamafriends1Not everyone sees it the way Thumb does.  “Nude protests and accidental births are more signs that the world is in an ethical free-fall, and kids torturing a guy in his home for his baseball-cap collection just reinforces that.  Society has lost all traces of common sense and has gotten so lenient we’re letting the whacko’s do what they want in the name of freedom, while the innocent regular folks get shit-on without justice,” said Nancy Drew-Colt, an opinionated fire-arms dealer who packs heat and routinely kicks idiots in the ass because they deserve it.  “And all the Obama talk about ‘change we can believe in’ is followed up with comments that he disagrees with most of the U.S. Constitution indicates we’re continuing to shift away from the traditional values that build this country.  No wonder he didn’t want to wear American flag lapel pins and hung around with convicted racketeer Tony Rezko, anti-American Preacher Jeremiah Wright, Pentagon bomber Bill Ayers and of course Illinois Governor Rod ‘This-Senate-seat-for-hire’ Blagojevich.  The change we’re getting is old-style Chicago politics dressed up in high-tech internet communications.  Yee-ha.”

BBQ tong burns

BBQ tong burns

WSMV-Nashville reported Antonio Viegas was sound asleep when he heard his wife scream. She was out warming up her truck for work. The next thing Viegas knew, three teenagers were in the bedroom, throwing the couple to the ground. During the struggle, one of the robbers’ guns went off, Viegas said. The three teenagers kept demanding cash. When Viegas told them his money was in the bank, they pistol-whipped him, he said. The teens disappeared into the kitchen, where Viegas said they heated barbecue tongs and burned him repeatedly on the neck. Convinced Viegas wasn’t lying about the bank, the teens took his shoes and his baseball cap collection and fled. Because of the torture, police consider these teenagers extremely dangerous.

081222-pam-peta-protest2The Sun reported that when it comes to making a protest or raising money for a 081222-paris-champagne-promogood cause, some people show plenty of naked ambition – literally! Staff at cosmetic firm Lush in Berlin peeled off to make a stand about plastic packaging earlier this week. But they’re not the only ones to get down to the bare essentials to raise awareness about an issue. Members of the public in their hundreds and celebs such as Paris Hilton, Danielle Lloyd and Sarah Michelle Gellar have stripped off to help make the world a better place.

081222-naked-peace-protestThe Telegraph reported that a woman spent hours being thrown around a corkscrew-style roller-coaster ride – unaware she was pregnant and about to give birth. Issy McMurdo was taken to hospital just days later with excruciating stomach cramps which she believed had been caused by something she had eaten. But nurses told the surprised 21-year-old that she was actually in labor. Miss McMurdo, a barmaid, said: “It was a massive shock when they gave me a scan and told me I was in labor. I simply had no idea I was pregnant. I thought I had just put on a little bit of weight. I even went to Alton Towers where pregnant women are warned not to go on the rides. I was flung upside down on the Air ride at speeds of up to 50mph and hurled down drops of 53ft, so it was quite lucky I didn’t go into labor there.”

Some people say it’s the lack of awareness in society today that is causing all the trouble.

081222-sarah-michelle-gellar-skin-disease-awareness1“People in Britain are unaware they’re pregnant and about to give birth, and people in the United States are unaware they just elected a one-term U.S. Senator with no business or governing experience the President, and are about to have their Constitution torn apart,” said Abraham Washington-Lincoln, a fictional character left to make sense of things in the world after most of the real people have abandoned reality.  “People all think they’re voting for the next American Idol TV star instead of President and think that sex and pregnancy are unrelated.  Because nobody notices anything women are going naked in droves trying to get people to notice a cause or product — Paris Hilton is selling champagne nude, Pam Anderson is selling animal ethics naked, Sarah Michelle Gellar is talking up skin disease by showing all of hers and naked people are talking against plastic packaging, etcetera, etcetera. And what are people thinking about when they see them?  Not the cause you can bet on that!  At least most of them look good nude.  Looks may only be skin deep and beauty in the eye of the beholder, but if you’re not going to pay attention to reality you may as well get your heart rate up because it’s healthy.  At least that’s what the article called ‘An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away’ says.  Maybe strip clubs are really health clubs after-all.”

Hard Drive Christmas Tree

Hard Drive Christmas Tree

In other news, Gizmodo reports that a guy made a Christmas tree from 70 recycled computer hard drives.  No word on whether he was nude and using tongs, or if he’s unknowingly made anyone pregnant, but at least the “tree” looks good and won’t hurt the U.S. Constitution.  Finally, something to be thankful for.

 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Bin Laden Lego’s, Somali Pirates, and Illinois Egg Donors

Company offers Lego-style al-Qaeda terrorist toy figures
Somali pirates hijack another boat
More women are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors

Inebriated Press
December 8, 2008

Al-Qaeda Lego

Al-Qaeda Lego

The U.K. Sun reported last week that a company in Britain is offering a range of Lego-styled fighting figures, including an al-Qaeda terrorist – complete with rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades.  And the Washington Post reported last week that despite the best efforts of the U.S. 5th Fleet, NATO, Russia, India and others, Somali pirates keep hijacking more boats.  Meanwhile, as the economy slows, the Chicago Tribune reported last week that more young women are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors to raise money.  Free-wheeling free-market economists say the U.S. Government, global banking system and Detroit auto-makers need to get creative like these folks, and solve their own economic problems.

“Instead of asking the U.S. taxpayers to bail out the government and a host of badly managed companies, these slacker-financially-impaired outfits need to learn from toy companies, egg donors and pirates about how to solve their own economic maladies,” said Marybelle Knee-Hi, a short buxom blonde, often seen in executive board rooms doing things of a questionable nature.  “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  Get some of those creative juices flowing instead of begging for money.  Earn the bucks or take them from somebody by commandeering your competitors’ vessels.  Quit the whining and begging, you panty-wastes.”

Not everyone agrees with Knee-Hi.  “It’s better to ask for help than to stoop to unethical or questionable behavior like stealing, or pandering to terrorist’s children, or trying to hock your body parts or genetic tissue,” said Habeas Corpus-Lite, a short balding declaration, occasionally referred to by people seeking relief.  “I applaud creativity and the free market, but there are times when a helping hand is necessary and may even be better than taking a ship by force.  I don’t think I’m a prude about this, but a little helping hand and some Esprit de corps can go a long way.”

Everybody needs the right accessories!

Everybody needs the right accessories!

The U.K. Sun reported that a range of Lego-style fighting figures — including an al-Qaeda terrorist — is being marketed by the BrickArms company, and has been slammed by religious leaders. The masked follower of 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden comes with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades. Mohammed Shaffiq, of Muslim organisation The Ramadhan Foundation, branded the toy “absolutely disgusting”. He said: “It is glorifying terrorism — the makers should be ashamed. We should be coming together to unite against terrorism, but how is that possible when children are playing with toys like this?”

Osama bin-Lego toy model

Osama bin-Lego toy model

The action figures include a Nazi major, bearing the chilling SS insignia, and a stormtrooper brandishing two grenade launchers. LEGO UK issued a statement saying it is not associated with the toys being sold by BrickArms which have been customised without its knowledge or permission. It continued: “BrickArms is not licensed by LEGO UK to customise LEGO figures and has no links to the LEGO brand.”

The Washington Post reported that Somali pirates hijack another boat — or two or three — every day despite the best efforts of the U.S. 5th Fleet, NATO, Russia, India and others. It may be time for a new strategy. This week, the U.N. Security Council gave Secretary General Ban Ki-moon 90 days to come up with one. The usual nostrums do not look promising. Late last month, for example, the council adopted a British plan for travel and financial sanctions against the pirates’ leading lights. That’s fine, but the pirates seem to have their own means of travel and finance, including million-dollar bounties that fall from the sky in suitcases — and no one seems to know who the leaders are anyway. The concept of a blockade was rejected last month by a NATO spokesman as something not “contemplated” by the Security Council. Now, though, it should be. Trillions of dollars in commercial cargos transit the sea lanes annually; so long as they do, thugs in boats will prey on them.

Eggs-R-Us

Eggs-R-Us

The Chicago Tribune reported that three egg donor agencies in Illinois have joined forces to offer a first-in-the-nation guarantee for would-be parents: If a young woman who agrees to provide eggs to an infertile couple changes her mind, they can select another donor at any of the agencies for a relatively minimal fee. Sometimes young women agree to become a donor and then back out because they get a new job, are accepted in graduate school, fall in love, or simply get cold feet, said Nazca Fontes, president of ConceiveAbilities in Chicago, one of the three participating agencies. The cooperative arrangement, launched last week, comes amid anecdotal reports that more woman are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors in the current economic downturn. Even before the financial crisis, this niche of assisted reproduction was growing rapidly, fueled in part by older couples trying to have children.

Some people say that government handouts and marketing reproductive tissue go together like bacon and eggs.

“Congress is always passing pork-laden bills and giving special cash gifts to towns, companies or other countries, and women have always sold themselves for sex of some kind — that’s why they call it the world’s oldest profession.  This is just a modern twist on the old story,” said Tammy Tiger, a serial stripper and part-time spot-welder at the mid-town Bed, Body and Steel Works. “People are getting over-wrought and nervous and even the gamefully employed are cutting back on buying things; so the down-turn is now feeding on itself.  A handful of badly managed companies are tearing up the nation’s confidence in itself and we’re going to wreck the economy ourselves if this keeps up.  We need to get a grip, use some common sense and settle down.  I’m still going to sell a few of my own eggs just for the cash and probably buy some jewelry or take a cruise in pirate infested waters.  It’s my way of helping out the economy.  The way cloning is going nobody will need a woman’s eggs pretty soon anyway and they’ll be worthless.  Better to get while the getting’s good.”

In other news, the U.K. Telegraph reported last week that Japan is in grip of a blood type obsession. A growing number of Japanese believe that the answer to every problem — from how to snare a prospective lover to the best way to secure a promotion at work — lies in their blood type. From reserved perfectionists Type As and confidently curious Type Os to flamboyant free-thinking Type Bs and high maintenance Type Abs, there are products and services to suit every blood type. Matchmaking services, employment opportunities and beauty products are among a raft of aspects of modern day Japanese life that subscribe to the blood typology theory. No word on which blood type tends to buy terrorist action figures or hijack ships, but perhaps there’s a chapter on the best approach to take when selling your ovarian production.  Or not.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Great Sex Before Lock-Up, Cut Taxes to Get Talent, and Dirty Handed Women

Hedge Fund CEO has “crazy sex” after sentencing
Personal Tax Rates Fall Worldwide as Governments Pursue Best Workers
Women carry more bacteria on their hands than men

Inebriated Press
November 5, 2008

As income earning American citizens ponder years of future tax prison, some find it instructive to consider what hedge fund CEO Sam Israel did before he handed himself over to the authorities to begin serving his sentence: according to the New York Post, he had “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan.  Meanwhile, Tax-News.com reported that top personal tax rates have fallen worldwide from an average of 31.3% to 28.8% as countries slash rates to keep and acquire top quality workers.  But not everyone is concerned about sex and taxes; they’re worried that women are all being caught dirty-handed.  According to USA Today, women’s hands contain more bacteria than men do, and a lot more variety.  Pundits debate the next four years of American history and wonder if they should wash their hands of bacteria and taxes, then have sex and move to Ireland.

“We all knew that with the $700 billion bail-out and trillions of national debt, that we Americans were going to be paying higher taxes; the only difference was how much and how soon.  The only real decision was whether we’d pick Obama and get tax hikes bigger and faster, or McCain and have fewer coming at us slower,” said Horatio Hu, a company owner and part-time Dr. Seuss character, who listens well and doubts most things politicians claim.  “Meanwhile corporations in Ireland have profits taxed at 12.5% and individuals pay 20% up to $50,000 and then 41% on income above that.  I’m having crazy sex with my wife Sally right after she washes her hands, and then moving my company and family to Ireland.  That way I get to have my cake and eat it too.  Or something like that.”

Not everyone is as selfish as Hu.  “We should all stay here in America and pay higher taxes and live with our dirty hands,” said a U.S. welfare and multiple-government-program hand-out recipient, dreaming of better times.  “I got all the sex I want and have kids strewn all over the east side.  People need to pay more taxes so Uncle Sam can give the kids mothers’ bigger checks to get along.  Damn rich people have been able to keep too much of their own money for way too long.  That shit’s got to end or I’m going to wash my hands of American style socialism and join the Communist Party.”

The New York Post reported Monday that the first thing Sam Israel, the CEO of collapsed hedge fund Bayou, did after receiving a 20-year sentence to federal prison in April, was have “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan. Israel, 48, faked his own death in June to avoid prison by scrawling “Suicide Is Painless” on the hood of his abandoned car. He’d already been sentenced and ordered to pay his swindled victims $350 million, but the judge had given him “six weeks to settle his affairs.” Israel vanished the morning he was supposed to surrender. Weeks later, his mother handed him over to authorities. Now Ryan, who confessed to helping her boyfriend flee, opens up to Marie Claire magazine about their relationship. The leggy blonde described Israel as a “holy lamb,” even though her romance with him left her $500,000 in debt and with a criminal record.

Tax-News.com reported last Friday that top personal income tax rates around the world have fallen by an average of 2.5% in the past six years, as governments strive to balance their need for revenue with the impact of increasing global labor mobility, a new study from KPMG International has found. Worldwide, top personal tax rates have fallen from an average of 31.3% in 2003 to 28.8% in 2008. But European Union (EU) taxpayers still pay the highest rates, at an average of 36.4%, followed by taxpayers in the Asia Pacific countries with an average of 34.6% and those of Latin America at 26.9%, KPMG said. Excluding those countries which levy no tax at all, the lowest EU rate is in Bulgaria, with a newly introduced flat rate of 10%, down from 24%. In Asia Pacific the lowest is in Hong Kong, with 16% and in Latin America it is in Paraguay with 10%.

According to a New York Times article published January 2008, the tax on corporate profits in Ireland is 12.5 percent, which is an incentive to own a business. Personal income tax rates in Ireland today are 20 percent on the first $50,000 of income and 41 percent on income above that. The Group, Enterprise Ireland, has also been putting up initial capital for venture investment funds and supports research and development. “We must support new approaches, nanotechnology, biotechnology and other sciences,” said Kevin Sherry, a director of Enterprise Ireland, who specializes in start-up companies. “Because we cannot succeed in the future using what got us here in the past.” 

USA Today reported Monday that a new study found women have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men do. “The sheer number of bacteria species detected on the hands of the study participants was a big surprise, and so was the greater diversity of bacteria we found on the hands of women,” said lead researcher Noah Fierer, an assistant professor in Colorado’s department of ecology and evolutionary biology. The researchers aren’t sure why women harbored a greater variety of bacteria than men, but Fierer suggested it may have to so with the acidity of the skin. University of Colorado biochemistry assistant professor Rob Knight, a co-author of the paper, said men generally have more acidic skin than women. Asked if guys should worry about holding hands with girls, Knight said: “I guess it depends on which girl.”  Some people say that just as some girls have fewer bacteria than others there-by reflecting differences in risk and reward to male suitors, so too, some countries have a better tax structure and there-by reflect differences in risk and reward to high quality workers.

“I’m checking all the women I’m considering building a life with for bacteria first, and I’m checking all the countries I’m considering building a business in for tax levels on business and personal income,” said Ima Genius-Corp, a hard working American-born guy who values long-term physical and financial health.  “I’m not having ‘crazy sex’ or starting a ‘crazy business’ just anywhere and anytime.  I’m done with this ‘I was born here and so I’ll start a business here and get married to whomever is cute and nearby’ stuff. If germs and the government are going to treat me as so much fodder then I’m fighting back by sticking with my American derived principles and becoming a global citizen.  I didn’t leave my country, my country left me.”

In other news, The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that the “Rapture Index,” a web based “end of the world” indicator, modeled after the Dow Jones Industrial Average and run by Todd Strandberg of Bellevue, Nebraska, is now receiving 50,000 hits a day [raptureready.com]. The Index consists of 45 categories of prophetic indicators from the occult to inflation and the crime rate. According to Strandberg the current economic downturn, the war in Iraq and the uncertainty of what will really happen after the U.S. presidential election, is causing many to think that the end of the world is at hand.  No word on whether the website suggests moving to Ireland or having crazy sex will help, but I’m washing my hands more because it’s the easiest thing I can do to try and improve my chance of survival in the days ahead. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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