Tag Archives: nuclear weapons

New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2009

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East.  And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free.  Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory.  Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free. 

Someone named Yvonne

Someone named Yvonne

“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will.  It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by.  So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it.  Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region.  People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out.  Want some companionship?  I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”

Someone named Anna

Someone named Anna

Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex.  “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably.  I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense.  “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius.  It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible.  It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works.  Hitler did it, so did Stalin.  Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter.  Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun.  I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”

"I have a dream ..."

"I have a dream ..."

Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.

Hot deals on companionship

Hot deals on companionship

The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.

New gas-price supply-demand chart

New gas-price supply-demand chart

WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”

“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors.  No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090520/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_missile_test_8

Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/orl-bk-leesburg-prostitution-051909,0,3190779.story

The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump
http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=130417&catid=40

 Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says
http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/article1002509.ece

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Bad Economy, Good Sex; Two Weeks Until Al Qaeda goes Nuclear; Male Baseball Players use Women’s Fertility Drugs

> Recession drives stay-at-home ‘entertainment’, baby boom
> Islamic extremists two weeks from control of Pakistani nukes
> MLB player Manny Ramirez suspended for using hCG, a female fertility drug

Inebriated Press
May 11, 2009

Home entertainment

Home entertainment

USA Today reported last Thursday that bad times in the boardroom can make for good times in the bedroom. People are having sex, and a lot of it. Obstetrician’s say the recession has spawned a new baby boom as people stay at home evenings and horse around.  And Human Events reported Wednesday that General David Petraeus, commander of America’s Central Command, said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists.  Meanwhile, New York Daily News reported Thursday that Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez received a 50-game suspension from Major League Baseball (MLB) for using the banned substance, hCG, a female fertility drug also used as a poststeroid cycle treatment.  Some pundits say Manny only used women’s fertility drugs because the economy is weak and he wants to ovulate before Al Qaeda goes nuclear. 

Someone named Ashton

Someone named Ashton

“You can’t blame a guy who’s sexually confused and wants to get in on the baby boom before Al Qaeda gets the bomb and starts blowing up shit.  Manny would never take drugs to enhance his athletic ability or use women’s med’s to hide steroid use, it’s all about getting knocked up somehow,” said Ashton Blindd-Eyee, a gardener and baseball fanatic who loves illusion and smokes the stuff he grows.  “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get home and hop in the sack with my wife.  The economy has us spending more time at home in bed together.  This recession is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Lacy, so to speak

Lacy, so to speak

Not everyone buys what Blindd-Eyee is smoking.  “Manny was getting an edge from steroids and using the fertility drugs to mask it; anyone not on mind-altering drugs understands that.  And Islamic terrorists will probably have nukes in the near future, because Obama will just have a chat and encourage them to be nice and not try to stop them.  This is hope and change?  I’m not sure this is what we signed on for,” said Lacy Mae-Maelstrom, a conservative Democrat and landscape designer, currently reconsidering her smoking choices and political party affiliation.  “It’s time the U.S. stop trying to become a western European pacifist and start behaving like a Reagan Democrat. I may want to legalize drugs and prostitution, but I also want a strong defense and tougher immigration laws so Hamas isn’t bringing nukes into the U.S. across the Mexican or Canadian border.  We’ve got to get practical about protecting ourselves as well as having a good time.  I admit the recessionary sex has been great, but it’s not changing my mind about the need for strong birth control or a strong national defense.”

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

USA Today reported that recession ‘entertainment’ may beget a new baby boom. It happens a lot during hurricanes and blizzards. People spend more time at home. They don’t venture out, which means they end up entertaining themselves any way they can. Now, during a struggling economy, it’s happening again. Bad times in the boardroom, it seems, can make for good times in the bedroom. Obstetrician Natalie Leibensperger knows this firsthand, judging from the recent baby boom she’s seeing. People are having sex, and a lot of it. “You’ve lost your job, or you’ve lost your house, and you’re having to cut back on everything. You’re not going to go to the movies or go out to dinner,” she says. Leibensperger has seen as many as 23 new patients in a week, all of them pregnant. More women are sitting in her waiting room these days with round bellies and lots of questions. “They’re probably having sex more, not having outside activities that they’re doing instead,” Leibensperger said. “It brings people closer together. It’s a huge stress relief for them.”  For the most part, Leibensperger says, with all the negativity that comes with a bad economy, people just want to feel good. Having sex, she said, is great for the body. It decreases depression, improves sleep and is good for overall well-being, she adds.

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Human Events reported that General David Petraeus (commander of America’s Central Command, which covers all U.S. forces in the Middle East and south Asia), reportedly said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists. Petraeus’ statement is based on current operations — the stuff reported in the press — and secret signal and human intelligence which expose the enemy’s true plans. Those secrets coupled with a disastrous set of circumstances apparently convinced Petraeus the Taliban intends to quickly consume Pakistan. Petraeus’ pessimism is understandable. Pakistan’s government has shown weakness when dealing with the Taliban, a radical Islamist enemy allied with al-Qaeda. Pakistan naively surrendered land for Taliban promises of peace that were quickly broken. Now, the insurgents are methodically transforming Pakistan into an Islamic camp. The extremists are closing on the capital and promise to continue their march until all Pakistan falls.

New owners: Taliban?

New owners: Taliban?

Pakistan is home to more than 12,000 madrassas — Islamic schools — which for more than 20 years have fed and housed hundreds of thousands of children while pushing a militant brand of Islam. Madrassas offer no instruction beyond the memorizing of the Koran, creating a widening pool of young minds that are sympathetic to militancy. Police in Punjab, Pakistan’s largest province, say more than two-thirds of suicide bombers had attended madrassas. That’s why Ibn Abduh Rehman, who directs the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan, warned “We are at the beginning of a great storm that is about to sweep the country.” Pakistan has 60-100 atomic weapons and ballistic and cruise missiles. With extremists running Islamabad, the Afghan war would expand to include Pakistan and quite likely morph into a broader regional war that includes India. It’s doubtful the U.S. and NATO will commit more forces to a Central Asian region-wide war. This could become justification to quit Afghanistan and bring our forces home and accept the consequences, such an atomic missile armed al-Qaeda. Pakistan is a bomb, the fuse is burning and as Petraeus has said, time is short.

MLB on steroidsNew York Daily News reported that Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was hit with a 50-game suspension last Thursday by Major League Baseball (MLB) after tests revealed unnatural levels of a banned substance in his body, and a subsequent MLB investigation found that he used the banned female fertility drug human chorionic gonadotrophin, or hCG. The suspension served notice to players and the public that baseball’s superstars are not immune from the penalties of its drug policy and that MLB will aggressively pursue drug cheats, well beyond positive drug tests. Under MLB’s policy, a player with a medical condition that warrants use of a banned substance can apply through MLB doctors for a temporary use exemption (TUE): Ramirez, however, does not have a “TUE.”

Some people say we should have seen this stuff coming.

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

“So the Taliban lied to the Pakistani’s and now want to take over their country, are you surprised by that?  And people are using the recession as an excuse to have sex more, does that amaze you?  Or how about the news that baseball players are cheating by taking illegal drugs to enhance their performance; didn’t see that coming, right?” said Heather Hott-Irony, a sensuous metal worker with common sense oozing out of her like butter in the sun, and occasionally just as sweet and sticky.  “Come on, pull your head out of your ass and get some fresh air.  You want to stop terrorists, nuke the bastards before they nuke you.  You want to stop steroid use in baseball, ban the users and erase their records.  You want to avoid pregnancy during recessionary sex, use protection.  For crying out loud, what kind of idiots have we become?  Oh that’s right, we elected a community organizer with no governing or business experience to run our f***ing country.  Shit, we have become a nation of morons — at least the 53% who voted for Obama are.  Son of a bitch.  Where’s Reagan now that we need him.  Lucky bastard’s in heaven.  If Al Qaeda gets the bomb, we’ll probably all be joining him soon.”

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Thursday that top secret details of a U.S. military missile air defense system were found on a second-hand hard drive bought on eBay. The test launch procedures were found on a hard disk for the THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defense) ground to air missile defense system, used to shoot down Scud missiles in Iraq. The disk also contained security policies, blueprints of facilities and personal information on employees including social security numbers, belonging to technology company Lockheed Martin – who designed and built the system. British researchers found the data while studying more than 300 hard disks bought at computer auctions, computer fairs and eBay. No word on how the U.S. plans to keep terrorists from getting nukes when they can’t stop themselves from giving away top secrets, but at least the recessionary sex has been good.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recession ‘entertainment’ may beget new baby boom
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-05-07-economy-sex_N.htm

Two Weeks Left in Pakistan
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=31742

Dodger’s slugger Manny Ramirez gets 50-game suspension from MLB for using banned substance
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/2009/05/07/2009-05-07_source_dodgers_slugger_manny_ramirez_tests_positive_for_banned_substance.html

Computer hard drive sold on eBay ‘had details of top secret U.S. missile defense system’
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1178239/Computer-hard-drive-sold-eBay-details-secret-U-S-missile-defence-system.html

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Obama Backs Iranian Nukes, Hooker Steals Mans Pants, and Padma Lakshmi Makes Love to Burger

> Obama ends uranium precondition to talks; enrichment proceeds
> Hooker more interested in cash than sex; patron shocked
> Padma Lakshmi makes love to Carl’s Jr. hamburger

Inebriated Press
April 16, 2009

Padma does bacon

Padma does bacon

The UK Guardian reported Tuesday that the Obama administration is set to drop the uranium precondition to nuclear talks, meaning Iran can continue uranium enrichment while preparing for a chat.  And the Athens Banner-Herald reported Sunday that an Athens man complained to police after a prostitute he picked up stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel room bathroom.  Meanwhile, the Los Angeles times reported Tuesday that Carl’s Jr. ran into an image problem in its advertising by practically undressing Padma Lakshmi as she makes love to a hamburger.  Pundits are debating why some people are surprised by these events.

Someone named Tracy

Someone named Tracy

“People are shocked when an elected official behaves differently than the voters thought he would, despite the fact that he’s doing what he told them he’d do.  This is because a good politician causes voters to see themselves in him and everyone would vote for themselves if they could, so they put perception over reality,” said Tracy Braless-Mindett, a free-living free-loving political analyst who can bench 180 and cause cardiac arrest in men weighing less than 150 just by looking at them.  “And drunken guys who leave their wallets alone in a room with a hooker are no different than voters who elect socialists.  They get ripped off like they deserve.  As far as making love to a burger goes, what the hell, if they paid me enough and it wore a condom I’d probably give it a go.  Everybody’s got a price I guess.”

Someone named Justin

Someone named Justin

Not everyone thinks the way Braless-Mindett does.  “As a voter I expect all politicians to behave the way I want them too, and they shouldn’t just say whatever they want in order to get elected and then do anything they feel like.  Even if somebody wins an election on some platform, they should take into account the ideas that are in the alternative view,” said Justin Hapless-Hopeful, an unemployed idealist trained in Avant-garde journalism, who at age 40 still lives in his parents basement, but knows that the Obama administration will offer him a government job any day now.  “So what if the Iranians get nukes and they hate the Jews, Hitler hated the Jews and didn’t have nukes and that worked out okay.  A few people got hurt I guess, but according to Iran the Holocaust thing was overblown.  And a guy should be able to leave his wallet with a hooker and she should just wait there.  I’ll bet the one in the article had an emergency come up and had to leave, and the guys’ pants and wallet caught on her skirt or something.  As far as sex with burgers goes, I don’t get it, but someone will explain it to me eventually.  I pretty much get my thoughts from other people who tell me stuff.  It’s easiest that way. Why think for myself?”

Iranian nuke programThe Guardian reported that in what amounts to a major policy shift, the Obama administration is set to drop a precondition for the start of negotiations on the nuclear issue – that Iran first suspend its uranium enrichment process. The concession means Iran would be able to continue with uranium enrichment, an essential part of achieving a weapons capability, while talks got underway. The precondition has been the biggest stumbling block in efforts over the last few years to open talks. The Bush administration insisted upon it but Tehran adamantly refused.  Negotiations have been given added urgency by threats by the new Israeli government, led by Binyamin Netanyahu, to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities to prevent it achieving a nuclear weapons capability. Israel predicts Iran could reach this point by the autumn. Obama, during the presidential election campaign, promised to offer direct talks with Iran without preconditions.

HookerThe Athens Banner-Herald reported that an Athens man complained to police after he picked up a prostitute who stole his pants and wallet while he was in a motel room bathroom, according to an Athens-Clarke police report. According to the report the two walked to the Days Inn on North Finley Street, where she was “raring to go,” the man told the officer. He went into the bathroom and when he came out, she was gone with his pants and wallet. The man didn’t want to give much information and he was very drunk, the officer wrote in his report.

Padma Lakshmi

Padma Lakshmi

The Los Angeles Times reported that Carl’s Jr. is addressing a super-size image problem in its advertising where they practically undressed Padma Lakshmi as she made love to a hamburger. The spot features the former Mrs. Salman Rushdie, sitting on a brownstone stoop in a clingy sundress hiked up mid-thigh, cramming the giant burger into her educated maw and sucking barbecue sauce from her fingers and wrists. Let’s not mince onions here: This is sex with a burger. The writer said you might think that here, at last, television advertising might have crossed some sort of debauched Rubicon, or at least some tripwire at the Federal Communications Commission. But it’s not even close. It’s merely the latest chapter in the weird mash-up between sex and food. The Carl’s Jr. commercial, from Mendelsohn Zien Advertising in Los Angeles, is in heavy rotation this month with a duplicate for corporate cousin Hardee’s that’s running in Eastern markets. The ads reunite Mendelsohn Zien and director Chris Applebaum, who created the 2005 commercial with a nearly naked Paris Hilton lathering up a Bentley. Applebaum also directed the 2007 campaign for Carl’s Jr. flat-bun burgers, featuring a hip-hop duo serenading their high school teacher’s flat butt — her badonkadon’t, if you will.

Some people say a little burger sex is what American’s need in order to take their minds off of Obama’s crazy approach to the economy and defense.

Someone named Lisa

Someone named Lisa

“How about calling this crazy: Obama’s plan to fix the overspending of the Bush administration is to spend several trillions of dollars we don’t have and set the stage for economic collapse and hyper inflation; and Obama’s plan to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons is to support their uranium enrichment program setting the stage for another Holocaust,” said Lisa Lovestrong-Hyperbole, a warm blonde ray of sunshine, occasionally brought low by morons, idiots and liberals.  “Given the current genius approach to problem-solving coming out of the White House and Democrat controlled Congress today, no one should be surprised if Americans are munching burgers and banging hookers or munching hookers and banging burgers.  The only way to survive today is to lose your mind and try to fit in and then party-on.  As for me, I’m trapped within a bad case of common sense and I can’t get out.  Lose yourself while you can, it’s too late for me.”

We're all friends now

We're all friends now

In other news, Reuters reported Tuesday that North Korea threw out the UN nuclear inspectors and say they’re no longer bound by any international nuclear disarmament talks, and plan to restart a plant that makes bomb-grade plutonium.  The Obama administration has yet to announce that they’re in full support of the plan, but by the time you’re done screwing with that burger you’ve got, it’ll probably be the latest super-smart news to come out of Washington.  To slightly paraphrase Tiny Tim: “god help us, every one.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama to drop uranium precondition for Iran nuclear talks
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/apr/14/obama-iran-nuclear-talks-uranium-precondition

Man shocked when hooker steals pants
http://onlineathens.com/stories/041209/cop_428276457.shtml

When fast food gets in the fast lane
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/business/la-fi-ct-neil14-2009apr14,0,2377834.story

Padma Lakshmi Carl’s Jr. / Hardees Commercial. [YouTube vid]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSXjnv8K71k

North Korea orders UN nuclear inspectors to leave
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSSP497987

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Holy Shit! Obama Nails Queen Liz

> Michelle slaps Queen on Back
> Barack Nails Her Ass
> U.S. Surrenders to Russia

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 7, 2009

Moments before sling-shot incident

Moments before sling-shot incident

Inebriated reporters climbing out of a dumpster behind a British pub after a night of heavy investigative journalism, have reported that U.S. President Obama and Queen Elizabeth went at it “hot and heavy” the evening before the G-20 meeting.  Earlier in the day First Lady Michelle slapped the Queen on her back hard enough to loosen her bra, and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told reporters that Obama is willing to concede world power to peacenik Vladimir Putin and some old Soviets.  There has been some dispute over the Inebriated report.

Someone named Jane

Someone named Jane

“While there is some truth to the news that First Lady Michelle Obama slapped the Queen on her back causing her bra to slingshot across the room and out a side window, there is no truth to the story that the Queen and Barack had sexual intercourse in an effort to ‘firm up’ US-UK relations,” said Jane Fireside-Charcoal, a British public relations official and smoldering hot blonde.  “There have been reports by Royal sources of an internal nature suggesting a very cordial meeting held privately between the U.S. President and The Queen, but any suggestion that there were carnal activities of some nature is grossly misstated.  And comments related to blow jobs is strictly denied at the highest levels of government.”

Insiders claim otherwise.  “The removal of the Queens bra may have been accidental, but the ‘quality time’ that Barack spent with Liz involved more than a fire-side chat,” said Nasal Sinus-Stuart, of the Sinus-Stuart Clan and Handholding Enclave for Maidens and Hooligans.  “Servants said they heard a lot of moaning and groaning from behind the locked doors during the private meeting, and reports of chauffeurs outside hearing the Queen shout ‘they were right about you people, look at the size of that thing,’ tends to lend credence to the stories.  Now on the topic of American surrender to the Russians, I can’t say, such talk would be mere speculation.”

Another gratuitous Jane Pic

Another gratuitous Jane Pic

Media reported last week that President Obama spent the day of April 1st in a whirlwind of activity in London prior to the official start of the G20 meeting.  He had dinner with G20 nations’ leaders, held a joint press conference with Prime Minister Gordon Brown, met Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, met with Russian’s President, Dmitry Medvedev, met with Chinese President Hu Jintao as well as with David Cameron, leader of the Conservative party in Britain.  It took until this week for reports of secret meetings to reveal that Obama had negotiated a formal surrender to the Russians and banged the old Queen.

The Obama administration and British officials continue to deny the secret activities ever took place.

Beyonce

Beyonce

“Come on lets face it, Barack is busy surrendering to the Iranians not the Russians, and he can have a piece of Beyonce’ ass anytime he wants it, why screw with an old woman just because she’s queen,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, while chewing the side of his face and accidentally spitting blood on reporters.  “You people make me sick with all of your fake stories and stupid tabloid ‘revelations’.  The next thing you’re probably going to report is that Secret Service couldn’t find the Queens bra outside in the bushes when it shot out the window.  Well they didn’t.  MI5 found it. Ha!”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Some barely related source articles:

G20 Summit Eve: Obama met with Queen and Presidents of Russia, China
http://www.examiner.com/x-5890-Obama-Administration-Examiner~y2009m4d2-G20-Summit-Eve-Obama-met-with-Queen-and-Presidents-of-Russia-China

Michelle Obama Places Hand on The Queen. World Almost Ends.
http://www.nypress.com/blog-3807-michelle-obama-places-hand-on-the-queen-world-almost-ends.html

U.S.- Russian Nuclear Talks Reject Past Leaders’ Policies, Officials Say
http://www.globalsecuritynewswire.org/gsn/nw_20090402_2551.php

President Obama loves Beyonce, ‘SNL’
http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/01/obama-beyonce-j.html

Beyonce ‘a model for Obama girls’
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5iQvlE9n67hnmRNIshQCd3dzhFceg

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