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Microsoft jabs Apple; Child Arrested for Her Own Nude Pictures; and, Moron Terrorist Blows Himself and Friends to Bits

> Microsoft Knifes Apple over High Prices
> 14-Year-Old Girl Arrested for Child Porn; Posted Pic’s of Herself
> Suicide Bomber Accidentally Blows Himself Up, Plus Six Other Terrorists

Inebriated Press
March 30, 2009

MySpace Gal, Mmm not 14

MySpace Gal, Mmm not 14

PC World reported Friday that Microsoft has set off a class war between Windows and Mac fans.  In a new ad “Lauren” tries to buy a laptop that costs less than $1,000 and ends up buying a Windows machine.  And Associated Press reported last week that a 14-year-old New Jersey girl has been accused of child pornography after posting nude pictures of herself on MySpace.com — charges that could force her to register as a sex offender if convicted.  Meanwhile, Reuters reported that an Afghan suicide bomber accidentally blew himself up, killing six other terrorists as he was bidding them farewell to leave for his intended target.  Inebriated reporters have taken up sides in the Windows vs. Mac war and have been keeping up a steady torrent of obscenities, pausing only for booze, tobacco and an occasional web search during which they try to guess the ages of girls in porn postings.

Someone named Tom

Someone named Tom

“Sometimes it’s hard to guess the girls ages when they’re wearing a lot of makeup and stuff, especially if they’re structurally mature,” said Tom Thumb-Naile, an Inebriated reporter pretending to be someone else.  “What I know for sure is that the Mac users are bunch of whiners regardless of what their age is.  I wouldn’t be surprised if that idiot bomber who blew himself and his buddies up was a Mac user.  Think of it, wasting all your money on an Apple when it’s not the global standard and most software won’t even run on it.  It’s stupid.”

Not everyone agrees with Thumb-Naile.  “So you pay a little more for quality and innovation, it’s worth it.  And why screw with a 14-year-old kid who still needs to grow up?  Pull down the vid’s and let her alone.  It’s time the adults pay attention to grown-up stuff and guys start looking for hot mature women and Apple computers to provide for their needs,” said Charlotte Chase-Brown, a hot mature woman with an Apple computer, fully capable of meeting any man’s needs and a few women on the side.  “And that terrorist who blew himself up along with an inventory of other terrorists — I wonder how many virgins will be lining up in hell for that bunch of idiots — they’ll be lucky to score a couple 14-year-old girl MySpace videos! Goofballs.”

Mac v PCPC World reported that faster than you can say Red State vs. Blue State, Microsoft’s latest ad has set off a class war between Windows and Mac fanboys. If you haven’t seen the ad, basically, shopper Lauren tries to find a laptop under $1000 and ends up getting a Windows machine. In the past, Windows boys have let Microsoft do all their public dissing for them, taking shots at the Apple Tax, shortcomings of the iPhone and even the Apple logo. But since Microsoft pulled out the long knives with its latest commercial spot, warriors of both stripes are reaching out from their basement caves for an epic Windows vs. Apple battle.

PC World wasn’t the only place that fights broke out. Over at Gizmodo the Apple fans were defending their honor against Microsoft’s attack. Even poor, perky Lauren became a target in this bloody battle of words. “I don’t care if that broke b*tch can’t afford a Mac,” said pettiblay. “I would love to see a study where you give a couple people 2500$ and see which laptop they buy.”  Of course it wasn’t only the commenting crowd that was getting in on the action. Over at Microsoft Watch, Joe Wilcox said, “Oh, baby, this is exactly the kind of marketing Microsoft should be doing now. The emphasis is value, with Apple taking blows from Microsoft. Ouch.” We can expect more of these ads, as advertising dollars are flowing right now to get Lauren and her fellow shoppers in front of the March Madness audience.

MySpace Gals

MySpace Gals

Associated Press reported that a 14-year-old New Jersey girl has been accused of child pornography after posting nearly 30 explicit nude pictures of herself on MySpace.com — charges that could force her to register as a sex offender if convicted. The case comes as prosecutors nationwide pursue child pornography cases resulting from kids sending nude photos to one another over cell phones and e-mail. Legal experts, though, could not recall another case of a child porn charge resulting from a teen’s posting to a social networking site.

The investigation found that the girl had posted “very explicit” photos of herself, according to sheriff’s spokesman Bill Maer. The teen, whose name has not been released because of her age, was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography. She was released to her mother’s custody. If convicted of the distribution charge, she would be forced to register with the state as a sex offender under Megan’s Law, said state Attorney General Anne Milgram. She also could face up to 17 years in jail, though such a stiff sentence is unlikely.

Wrong shoes, wrong brains

Wrong shoes, wrong brains

Reuters reported that a would-be suicide bomber accidentally blew himself up last week, killing six other militants as he was bidding them farewell to leave for his intended target, the Afghan Interior Ministry said. “The terrorist was on his way to his destination and saying good-bye to his associates and then his suicide vest exploded,” a statement from the ministry said. Taliban-led attacks in Afghanistan have escalated in the past year with suicide and roadside bombings insurgents’ weapons of choice. The incident happened in Helmand province in southern Afghanistan where mainly British troops are struggling against a growing Taliban-led insurgency.

Some people say that death is too good for terrorists and that terrorizing them is the only fair treatment.

“These Islamofascists cut the heads off of people they disagree with, they oppress women and abuse them, they want to destroy individual freedom and the values of the West,” said Martha Mayberry-Silicone, a free market economist and part-time stripper, currently headlining at the Bombs Away Strip Club and Economic Stimulus Office. “The only thing they fear is a piece of pig meat.  Absurd as that may sound.  So I say capture the sons of bitches and house them on pig farms.  When they can’t take it anymore and take themselves out, or we find them guilty and execute them, then bury them in the ground with a piece of ham by their side.  They’d start thinking twice about screwing with us if they know that only pigs and no virgins will be hanging with them in eternity.  Damn straight.”

Two-O'Clock Titty

Two-O'Clock Titty

In other news, NBC Bay Area reported last week that spring has sprung, and with it, so has the two o’clock tit. As drivers enter San Francisco via the Octavia Street off-ramp, and they crest the small hill at Haight street, if their trip is timed just right and the sun is out, they will be greeted by one of the funniest landmarks this city has to offer: the two o’clock titty. Because of the unique design of St. Mary Cathedral, and the positioning of it geographically, a distinct shadow that resembles a woman’s breast is cast both in the morning and in the afternoon on the West and East sides of the church, respectively.  No word on whether investigators will arrest the priests or architects for publically displaying porn, but weirder shit is happening.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Microsoft Hits Apple Where it Hurts
http://www.pcworld.com/article/162084/microsoft_hits_apple_where_it_hurts.html

NJ girl, 14, arrested after posting nude pics
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gebS2MKqUm9cqEj6s0Rv9gQVvY6AD97608480

Blundering Afghan suicide bomber blows up 6 militants
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSISL330182

Topless Peepshow at Cathedral in San Francisco
http://www.nbcbayarea.com/around_town/the_scene/SF-Cathedral-Hosts-Topless-Peepshow.html

MSN Video – Lauren
http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-US&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:0bb6a07c-c829-4562-8375-49e6693810c7&showPlaylist=true&from=shared

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BBQ Tong Torture, Nude Protests, and Trends in Roller-coaster Birthing

> Crooks burn man with BBQ tongs, steal baseball cap collection
> Protesting in the nude in vogue
> Woman rides roller-coaster for hours, unaware of pending birth

Inebriated Press
December 22, 2008

Pregnant or protesting?

Pregnant or protesting?

WSMV-Nashville reported last week that a man was tortured in his home by teenagers using heated barbecue tongs and demanding cash.  Finding no money, they stole his baseball cap collection.  And the UK Sun reported that when it comes to protesting or raising money for a good cause, more and more people are turning to public nudity to get attention.  Meanwhile, the UK Telegraph reported that a woman who spent hours on a roller-coaster-ride went to the hospital with stomach cramps only to discover she was about to give birth.  “I had no idea I was pregnant,” said the fun-park attendee.  Pundits are debating the societal roller-coaster ride of in-home BBQ torture, nude protesters and women shocked to find kids falling out between their legs when all they want to do is have fun.

Will Obama ban this weapon?

Will Obama ban this weapon?

“I remember the time I was surprised by nude PETA protesters giving birth using BBQ tongs outside a grocery store one afternoon in Des Moines, Iowa,” said Bob Thumb, a fry chief and part-time vagrant, always trying to hitch-hike a ride someplace.  “They were saying that Iowa pigs needed more room to give birth and where demonstrating how tricky it is to have kids in a small confined area on the plaza.  I think they’re all nuts, but it was still pretty darned interesting.  The screaming kind of took the positive edge off my experience, but it was pretty cool anyway.  I’d still rather have Pam Anderson protesting nude, but hey, this is Iowa and we take what we can get.  That’s why we still have all the politicians start their presidential campaigns here.”

081222-obamafriends1Not everyone sees it the way Thumb does.  “Nude protests and accidental births are more signs that the world is in an ethical free-fall, and kids torturing a guy in his home for his baseball-cap collection just reinforces that.  Society has lost all traces of common sense and has gotten so lenient we’re letting the whacko’s do what they want in the name of freedom, while the innocent regular folks get shit-on without justice,” said Nancy Drew-Colt, an opinionated fire-arms dealer who packs heat and routinely kicks idiots in the ass because they deserve it.  “And all the Obama talk about ‘change we can believe in’ is followed up with comments that he disagrees with most of the U.S. Constitution indicates we’re continuing to shift away from the traditional values that build this country.  No wonder he didn’t want to wear American flag lapel pins and hung around with convicted racketeer Tony Rezko, anti-American Preacher Jeremiah Wright, Pentagon bomber Bill Ayers and of course Illinois Governor Rod ‘This-Senate-seat-for-hire’ Blagojevich.  The change we’re getting is old-style Chicago politics dressed up in high-tech internet communications.  Yee-ha.”

BBQ tong burns

BBQ tong burns

WSMV-Nashville reported Antonio Viegas was sound asleep when he heard his wife scream. She was out warming up her truck for work. The next thing Viegas knew, three teenagers were in the bedroom, throwing the couple to the ground. During the struggle, one of the robbers’ guns went off, Viegas said. The three teenagers kept demanding cash. When Viegas told them his money was in the bank, they pistol-whipped him, he said. The teens disappeared into the kitchen, where Viegas said they heated barbecue tongs and burned him repeatedly on the neck. Convinced Viegas wasn’t lying about the bank, the teens took his shoes and his baseball cap collection and fled. Because of the torture, police consider these teenagers extremely dangerous.

081222-pam-peta-protest2The Sun reported that when it comes to making a protest or raising money for a 081222-paris-champagne-promogood cause, some people show plenty of naked ambition – literally! Staff at cosmetic firm Lush in Berlin peeled off to make a stand about plastic packaging earlier this week. But they’re not the only ones to get down to the bare essentials to raise awareness about an issue. Members of the public in their hundreds and celebs such as Paris Hilton, Danielle Lloyd and Sarah Michelle Gellar have stripped off to help make the world a better place.

081222-naked-peace-protestThe Telegraph reported that a woman spent hours being thrown around a corkscrew-style roller-coaster ride – unaware she was pregnant and about to give birth. Issy McMurdo was taken to hospital just days later with excruciating stomach cramps which she believed had been caused by something she had eaten. But nurses told the surprised 21-year-old that she was actually in labor. Miss McMurdo, a barmaid, said: “It was a massive shock when they gave me a scan and told me I was in labor. I simply had no idea I was pregnant. I thought I had just put on a little bit of weight. I even went to Alton Towers where pregnant women are warned not to go on the rides. I was flung upside down on the Air ride at speeds of up to 50mph and hurled down drops of 53ft, so it was quite lucky I didn’t go into labor there.”

Some people say it’s the lack of awareness in society today that is causing all the trouble.

081222-sarah-michelle-gellar-skin-disease-awareness1“People in Britain are unaware they’re pregnant and about to give birth, and people in the United States are unaware they just elected a one-term U.S. Senator with no business or governing experience the President, and are about to have their Constitution torn apart,” said Abraham Washington-Lincoln, a fictional character left to make sense of things in the world after most of the real people have abandoned reality.  “People all think they’re voting for the next American Idol TV star instead of President and think that sex and pregnancy are unrelated.  Because nobody notices anything women are going naked in droves trying to get people to notice a cause or product — Paris Hilton is selling champagne nude, Pam Anderson is selling animal ethics naked, Sarah Michelle Gellar is talking up skin disease by showing all of hers and naked people are talking against plastic packaging, etcetera, etcetera. And what are people thinking about when they see them?  Not the cause you can bet on that!  At least most of them look good nude.  Looks may only be skin deep and beauty in the eye of the beholder, but if you’re not going to pay attention to reality you may as well get your heart rate up because it’s healthy.  At least that’s what the article called ‘An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away’ says.  Maybe strip clubs are really health clubs after-all.”

Hard Drive Christmas Tree

Hard Drive Christmas Tree

In other news, Gizmodo reports that a guy made a Christmas tree from 70 recycled computer hard drives.  No word on whether he was nude and using tongs, or if he’s unknowingly made anyone pregnant, but at least the “tree” looks good and won’t hurt the U.S. Constitution.  Finally, something to be thankful for.

 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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