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Virgin may Buy Playboy, Jeans Cause Tingling Thighs, and India Killed all the Dinosaurs

> Playboy loses millions, Virgin reportedly buyer
> Skinny jeans causing “tingling thighs syndrome”
> India’s volcanoes made Dinosaurs extinct

Inebriated Press
May 28, 2009

PEOPLE ALBAThe UK Daily Mail reported Sunday that Playboy has lost millions of dollars and Hugh Hefner is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. And, MyFox National reported Tuesday that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people — because they’re wearing skinny jeans.  Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor reported Saturday that the dinosaurs didn’t become extinct until 300,000 years after an asteroid slammed into Mexico, so the new theory is that volcanic eruptions in India wiped them out. Pundits are debating what gives them tingles: tight jeans, Playboy or dinosaur extinction theories.

Someone named Mandy

Someone named Mandy

“I admit enjoying dinosaur theories, and the tingling and numbness in my thighs from my skinny jeans were kind of interesting, but a guy I met after I did a Playboy spread actually gave me the best tingles overall,” said Mandy Maebee-Mitebee, a model and part-time Internet sensation best known for her rice pudding recipes. “I don’t know if Virgin will buy Playboy or whether everyone will give up skinny jeans because they’re losing feeling in their legs, but lay out whatever theory you want, the dinosaurs are all gone.  And if the Republicans don’t get their shit together they’ll be extinct too and so will traditional America. I might be loose with my morals and tight with my jeans, but I’m fiscally conservative and have had enough of Obama after his 100 days.  We’ve got to stop these trillion dollar spending programs and fast.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Maebee-Mitebee.  “I wear the jeans I want and no one needs to tell me if I’m comfortable.  The dinosaurs are gone, okay, whatever.  Virgin running Playboy?  Isn’t that counterintuitive, or something … I mean virgins, really,” asked Lucy Laiz-Nowon, a particle physicist and postal recipient who likes catalogues.  “Obama has things in hand and all we have to do is our jobs, let him and the Dem’s run things and watch the world go happily around.  Finally someone who looks nice, sounds nice, and runs the country as though he knows what he’s doing.  Maybe he does, maybe not, but I like him and that’s all that matters.  My IQ may be 200 but that doesn’t mean I’m anal.  There are some things I just don’t give a shit about and government is one of them.  Why bother?”

Hugh Hefner and friends

Hugh Hefner and friends

The Daily Mail reported that Hugh Hefner could soon be parting ways with the soft-porn empire he founded more than 56 years ago. The 83-year-old is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. Although the magazine was read by a quarter of all university students in its heyday in the 1970s, its circulation has taken a battering from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Earlier this month, Playboy announced it had made losses of £8.6million for the first three months of this year, compared to a £2.6million loss for the corresponding period in 2008. The company is said to have been furiously cutting costs and has reportedly sacked 25 per cent of its staff. Virgin Media’s name has been raised as a potential buyer by speculators, but no official interest in the acquisition has been confirmed.

Skinny jeans

Skinny jeans

MyFox National reported it turns out that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people. The onslaught on skinny jeans on the market has caused some younger people to suffer from the symptoms of this condition. MSNBC.com writes that experts have seen a rise in the condition among young women. One woman describes a tingly sensation running up and down her thighs while wearing tight jeans. According to the Mayo Clinic Web site, meralgia paresthetica is a condition characterized by tingling, numbness and burning pain in the outer part of your thigh. Lucky in most cases the condition can be relieved by conservative measures, such as wearing looser clothing. Salon.com says the condition may not be affecting very many people. “Numbers are hard to come by, but I think it’s safe to say we could be talking about handfuls of young women,” writes Kate Harding.

DinosaursThe Christian Science Monitor reported that for about 30 years, people have believed that dinosaurs were rendered extinct after a six-mile-wide asteroid slammed into what’s now the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico some sixty-five million years ago. But the April 27 issue of Journal of the Geological Society claims that mass extinctions didn’t occur until perhaps 300,000 years after the asteroid impact. Another study, reported in the journal Paleontologia Electronica, finds evidence that pockets of dinosaurs might have lived on after the asteroid strike. Princeton geoscientist Gerta Keller believes volcanic eruptions in India were responsible for extinctions. Critics — the majority of scientists in the field — remain unconvinced.

Ready for nursing, er

Ready for nursing, er

In other news, Australia’s WA Today reported Monday that an understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who signed with the small private clinic for three years could choose their free plastic surgery. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6,000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data. No word on how Prague clinics feel about dinosaur extinction theory or if any of the nurses suffer from tingling thighs, but with their silicone bonuses they may be appearing soon in a new Czech Nurse Playboy spread on a Virgin cell phone near you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Playboy for sale after making a loss of millions – and Virgin is tipped as a potential buyer
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1187066/Playboy-sale-making-loss-millions–Virgin-tipped-potential-buyer.html

Jeans May Cause Tingling Thigh Syndrome
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/consumers/dpgo_Tingling_Thigh_Syndrome_fc_20090526_2513909

New dinosaur-extinction theories pop the big rock
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1588538,CST-NWS-dino24.article

Czech clinic lures nurses with free boob jobs, tummy tucks
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/czech-clinic-lures-nurses-with-free-boob-jobs-tummy-tucks-20090525-bkmb.html

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Nurses Turn to Prostitution While the Homeless Eat Caviar

> Demoralized nurses finding work in brothels
> Poor to eat contraband caviar on Christmas

Inebriated Press
December 24, 2008

081224-nurse1Australia’s News Limited reported Monday that exhausted and demoralized nurses would rather work as prostitutes than in Queensland’s crumbling hospitals.  And the Associated Press reported Saturday that homeless people in Italy will be savoring beluga caviar this Christmas.  Experts say that like hooker-nurses and homeless-caviar-eaters, everyone should reflect on their lives at year-end, and some may want to make changes and boost next years life-style options.

081224-caviar“It’s always good to reflect on how your life is going as the year winds down, and make a few subtle adjustments — like switching from caring for the sick to banging the healthy — in order to make your life safer, and more financially rewarding,” said Jenna Jameson-Hollander, a registered nurse and motivational speaker, currently providing personal services to homeless Italians offering caviar.  “Maybe you want to exercise more and get your body in shape, or perhaps you should stop paying your mortgage and go to Italy and eat caviar with the homeless.  At the end of each year it’s a good time to reflect and make some adjustments like those.”

081224-beyonce1Other life-style experts agree.  “I used to bust my ass as a divisional manager for a large company, administering staff and a budget, trying to hit performance targets, all that stuff,” said Alexander Yardly-Tucumseth, a wiry middle-aged ex-executive, now living on the street and trading caviar for personal services offered by former Australian nurses.  “Today I’m a homeless guy and part-time life-style advisor to Paris Hilton and Beyonce.  They don’t pay much attention to what I say, but what to I care, I’m living a stress-free life.  And next year Obama will start sending me checks.  It’s change I can believe in.”

081224-healthcare-australia-styleNews Limited reported that Queensland nurses are leaving the healthcare system because of workloads, burnout and record levels of frustration, and many have found new jobs working in brothels. “We could no longer work in such an understaffed and stressful environment,” said the mother of two, who wanted to be known only as Jenna. Jenna said violence was more of a concern in hospitals than in the sex industry. “The security (at the brothel) is wonderful. We have buzzers in our room, there are bracelets we can request if you have a client you’re a bit suspicious of.” Jenna said she had gone to great lengths to hide her new occupation from her family. “I wear my nurse’s uniform to work, I carry my hospital ID. But when I get to work I change. There’s a couple of others who do the same,” she said. Health Minister Stephen Robertson said it was disappointing some nurses were seeking alternative careers. He didn’t comment on how hot the Australian nurses look or what his plans are to try and keep them in hospitals.

PEOPLE HILTONThe Associated Press reported that some homeless people in Italy will be savoring beluga caviar this Christmas, thanks to officials who seized 88 pounds (40 kilograms) of the contraband delicacy from smugglers.  The caviar has been given to Italian charities to be served alongside the traditional foods they feed the poor on Christmas – like lentils, pasta and cake – officials said Saturday. The Rev. Massimo Mapelli, who helps run a shelter for the homeless and recovering addicts, said his center will get 10 kilograms (22 pounds) of caviar for 82 diners. That’s about 120 grams (4 1/2 ounces) per person – two to four times the amount chefs traditionally serve to wealthy diners.  Not bad if you like caviar.

081224-oreoIn other news, the Houston Chronicle reported Saturday that a school bus driver accused of brandishing a knife and threatening three sixth-graders with cutting their wrists for leaving cookie crumbs on a seat has been arrested. William Allen, 66, was taken into custody Friday on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Students told their parents that Allen took them out of the bus Wednesday at Mary Orr Intermediate School. They said he threatened to cut their wrists with the knife if they didn’t admit to eating Oreo cookies and leaving crumbs behind, according to police reports.  No word on whether Allen has plans to become a homeless Italian or an Australian hooker-nurse, but you can bet he won’t be driving a bus next year.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:
Fed-up Queensland nurses turning to prostitution
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24831036-1248,00.html

Italy’s poor to eat contraband caviar on Christmas
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/EU_ITALY_POOR_MANS_CAVIAR?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2008-12-20-12-45-27

School bus driver accused of pulling knife on sixth-graders
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/6175135.html

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