Tag Archives: octomom

Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

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Porn bidding war over Octomom, Newspaper man runs strip club, and Feds seize porn, meat and booze

> Octuplet mom offered a million dollars to do porn
> Facing tough times in news business, writer turns to strip club
> Feds at Dulles Airport snag lots of porn, meat and booze

Inebriated Press
March 2, 2009

Octomom

Octomom

The Chicago Sun-Times reported Friday that the mother of octuplets born last month in California has received bids from two adult entertainment companies, including an offer of one million dollars to star in a porn movie. And, the Wall Street Journal reported recently that a writer and Pulitzer Prize nominee at the Dallas Morning News faced a probable job loss, so he made a significant career change: he’s now the manager of a topless joint.  Meanwhile, NBC Washington reported Friday that Customs and Border Protection officials at Dulles International Airport say they’ve seized an unusually high number of items from international travelers in the past week including porn, vodka and pork sausage.  Inebriated reporters say that if the three events can be organized into one party we’ll have a hell of a time and forget what Obama is doing to the country.

"I won."

"I won."

“If the Dulles Feds would ship all the booze, porn and meat products to the Dallas strip club and the adult film companies would bring their guys and gals plus the Octomom to the club, we could make a weekend party that would not only be saleable on DVD or downloadable off the Internet for big bucks, but we’d completely forget that Obama is making a complete disaster of our economy for years to come,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Oldd-Boote, nursing a Jack Daniels and a grudge against the Democrats.  “Hell the event would stimulate the economy plus all of the participants. Come to think of it, we could probably get some government stimulus cash to fund the whole bash and establish a government website to distribute the video. I’m thinking StimulateAmerica.gov. Maybe we shouldn’t care what Obama is doing but go along with him and try to get a piece of the action ourselves.  It worked for the Clintons.”

Porn-made Obama

Porn-made Obama

Not everyone likes the ideas that Inebriated reporters come up with.  “It’s bad enough that the economy is in shambles and Obama is going to spend another couple trillion dollars on he and his cronies liberal ideas and saddle the country with socialism and massive perpetual debt and fraud, we sure don’t need to encourage the abandonment of the last vestiges of American ethics by partying with porn queens, octomoms and has-been newspaper men,” said Mildred Hightower-Flatbottom, an unusually attractive restaurant manager and part-time zealot.  “We should be fighting against the loss of American values including self-sufficiency, market driven economics, Judeo-Christian ethics and good common sense.  Now is not the time to give in to Chicago style politics and Pentagon bomber ethics.  Sure, I like meat, booze and sex too, but not in porno-styled theatrics or orgasmic Obama spending sprees.  Let’s settle down here.  All is not lost unless we let it.”

090302-vivid-pornotube-logos1The Chicago Sun-Times reported Nadya Suleman, the mother of octuplets born last month in California, received an offer of one million dollars plus a year of health insurance by Los Angeles-based Vivid Entertainment, the world’s largest adult film producer, if the unemployed 33-year-old starred in a porn movie. But rival porn company Pink Visual has responded by urging Suleman not to participate in the Vivid movie — and offered her a year’s supply of diapers for her octuplets if she turns down the offer. Pink Visual’s manager Kim Kysar said in a letter to Suleman that the company’s offer was being made as a gesture of “social responsibility.”

090302_pv_squarelogoThe rival porn offers puts Nadya Suleman, who has been at the center of a fierce debate in the media and medical arenas since giving birth to eight children last month, in the middle of a public relations spat involving rival purveyors of porn. The porn public relations offensive is the latest twist in the saga of Suleman and her octuplets, who were born on January 26. Her case has provoked outrage from health experts and the public after it emerged the babies were conceived through in vitro fertilization and that Suleman already had six children under the age of seven. Suleman was not immediately available for comment.

090302_gentlemens_clubs_dallas_b_w2The Wall Street Journal reported that just a short time ago, around the time he was turning 50, Michael Precker was in his prime as a journalist. A graduate of Columbia Journalism School, he was a foreign correspondent for 11 years in the Middle East and wrote feature articles on countless subjects for the Dallas Morning News. One year, the paper nominated him for a Pulitzer Prize. Now he has a new job: running a strip club. “I feel lucky,” he says. Mr. Precker’s career adjustment reflects the recent chaos of the newspaper business. Today he’s serving as the all-purpose manager of a 12-year-old establishment, called the Lodge. Mr. Precker’s new employer offers upscale food in a plush setting replete with a business center. Last year it won “Best Overall Club” at the Gentlemen’s Club Owners Expo in Las Vegas.

090302-meatNBC Washington reported that Customs and Border Protection officials at Dulles International Airport are reporting that they’ve seized an unusually high number of items from international travelers in the past week. The Feds confiscated a lot of smuggled international meat as well as porn and booze. Four pounds of pork sausage was seized. Much of the pornography collected centered around the very unfortunate thematic element of young children having sex. And the ones that only featured adults depicted these adults having sex with wild animals. And with regards to the alcohol, two bottles of vodka were brought in by a minor, from Germany.

090302-flying-moneys-b-wIn other news, NewsVine reported last week that Puerto Rico has found an unlikely solution to ease its surplus of pesky wild monkeys: ship them to Iraq. About a dozen patas monkeys will fly across the Atlantic on a commercial carrier in upcoming weeks, courtesy of the Baghdad Zoo, according to the Caribbean island’s Department of Natural Resources. Pundits once said that the United States wouldn’t abandon its ethics and capitalist ways until we saw monkeys flying in the Middle East.  So there you go.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Porn bidding war over octomom
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1452457,CST-NWS-oct27.article

A Reporter Faces the Naked Truth
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123447503728679243.html

Explosion Of Porn, Meat, Booze Seizures at Dulles
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/Dulles-Customs-Sees-Explosion-Of-Porn-Meat-Booze-Cigar-Seizures.html

Puerto Rico decides to ship wild monkeys to Iraq
http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2009/02/25/2477567-puerto-rico-decides-to-ship-wild-monkeys-to-iraq

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