Tag Archives: oil prices

Quest for Cheap Oil, The G-Spot and Remote Controlled Bras

> Oil Falls Below $38/barrel; OPEC Slashes Production
> Scientists Discover One in Four Women Have a G-Spot
> Syrian specialty store offers remote controlled bra, singing underwear

Inebriated Press
December 19, 2008

081219_crude_oil_pump_jack-b-w1Bloomberg News reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 as OPEC talked production cuts, but the market didn’t believe them.  And Australia’s Macquarie National News reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the G-spot exists, but only one woman in four have one.  Meanwhile, BBC News reported that the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing” in Damascus, Syria, has a hot market for bras designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or press of a button.  Pundits are debating the power of OPEC, G-spots and remote controlled underwear.

Tech or Tactile?

Tech or Tactile?

“As high technology continues to be developed and is applied to all areas of life with new tools, techniques and clothing, it’ll become increasingly irrelevant to find Oil, G-spots or buttons and snaps,” said Marilyn Master-Johnson, a nuclear physicist and part-time nudist, who uses technology to push all her own buttons but no longer rents videos.  “The Arabs better sell all their oil as fast as they can because it’ll be worth nothing in the near future.  The dude in Syria selling remote controlled bras and musical panties has got the new market figured out.  Commodities are dead and sexy underwear is the hot growth market.  I’ve already rolled my 401k into sexy underwear and techie clothing companies.  Better get while the getting is good.”

Syrian bra

Syrian bra

Not everyone is signing on to Master-Johnson’s high-tech-as-replacement-or-everything scheme.  “I won’t argue that high-tech has benefited society and even created full and partial cyber-beings capable of everything from giving travel directions to filling in for a wife, but it’s not the same as the parts of a real man or woman no matter what anyone thinks; and crude oil is always going to be needed, even in the future,” said Tessie Hott-Galant, a physical therapist and weight-lifter, whose natural curves blend with her natural desires to create other natural actions some of which are illegal in certain Middle Eastern countries.  “Tactile and hands-on flesh-to-flesh with a moan or two will always be better than buzzing and whirring mechanics, and crude oil converted into high performance fuel in a Ferrari is going find more G’s of all kinds, than the best battery-powered Toyota.  I do have to admit that blasting the organic cotton off my body with the touch of a button would be a real rush though.”

Mahmoud demos knickers

Mahmoud demos knickers

Bloomberg reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 on speculation the drop in demand because of the weakening economy will outpace OPEC supply cuts. Oil declined as much as 5.9 percent after the index of leading U.S. economic indicators fell in November for the fifth time in seven months. The U.S. Energy Department said consumption will be lower in 2009 because of the contraction. The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries agreed to reduce production by 2.46 million barrels a day at a meeting yesterday. “With all the doom and gloom about the economy, I see nothing to stop the receding tide of oil prices,” said Gene McGillian, an analyst at Tradition Energy in Stamford, Connecticut. “The next important support I am looking at is $35, and after that, $30.”

Black underwear tech

Black underwear tech

LiveNews Australia reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the mythical G-spot exists – but only for one lucky woman in four. According to New Scientist, the researchers, at the University of L’Aquila in Italy, have discovered clear anatomical differences between women who claim to have vaginal orgasms – as opposed to clitoral – and those that don’t. Women capable of orgasm during penetrative sex have a thicker tissue area in the region between the vagina and the urethra – meaning it’s now easy to medically tell the difference between the lucky “cans” and the “can-nots”. Interestingly, the boffins also believe that women with the thicker tissue can be ‘taught’ to have vaginal orgasms, if they can’t already. Although the ultrasound scans showed only eight in 30 women had a G-spot, only five of those reported vaginal orgasms. But after receiving advice on the G-spot’s location, two of the remaining three were able to hit the big O. But it’s not all bad news for the majority of women born without the anatomical blessing, with scientists confident it’s conceivable to “grow” a G-spot through practice. “I fully agree that the use makes the organ,” said head researcher Emmanuele Jannini. “I do expect an increase with frequent use.”

BBC News reported that just off the crowded central market in Old Damascus, a sales assistant called Mahmoud is introducing shoppers to an unusual Syrian specialty – musical knickers. Singing underwear isn’t the only item on sale at the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing”, where Mahmoud is proudly showing off his product lines. He’s also got remote-controlled bras and knickers, designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or a press of a button. And he’s got knickers with flashing fairy lights, others that glow in the dark, a bra-and-knickers set shaped like manicured women’s hands enveloping the wearer’s crotch and breasts. There’s a whole street off the historic Hamadiyeh Souk selling this genre of clothing – all outfits manufactured in Syria, some that Madonna herself might blush to wear, all showing bawdy creativity and a wicked sense of humor. Forthright displays of the some world’s kinkiest “leisure wear” have long been a feature of Syrian souks – though many tourists don’t notice the crotchless knickers and PVC French maid outfits among the more traditional inlaid backgammon sets and textiles. Now two London-based Arab women, Rana Salam and Malu Halasa, are shining a spotlight on this little-known local specialty, with a new book called The Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie.

Some people say that kinky underwear has always driven the global economy more than oil has.

Sexy underwear is historial

Sexy underwear is historial

“What do you think was going on in Adam and Eve’s brains when the wind caught the edge of those fig leaves and started flapping them around?  They got a pile of kids after getting tossed out of Eden you know,” said Iem Hottandbothered, a former hunter-gatherer now living in Paris and producing underground films about high-tech resistance by a small group of Muslim nudists who refuse to be identified, carry identification or wear pockets.  “The past has always been driven by inter-personal and real personal-personal relationships, and no form of technology will change that.  Technology has its place and can advance society, the economy and even work the kinks out your shoulders or other places, but it’ll never replace the power of the individual and the human machine to build societies and civilizations.  As a member of a minority group — nudist Muslim’s — I accept the benefits of technology to build and destroy, for good and for evil.  But I put my faith in the flesh god made.  That and the button that I press to blow the bra and panties right off of my good wife in a split second.  Some tech is okay for personal-personal stuff.”

Old-style crude-oil free tech

Old-style crude-oil free tech

In other news WRAL reported Tuesday that armed burglars broke into a Tampa, Florida man’s home, held a gun on him and a knife to his throat and demanded his eggbeater.  Police caught the men outside the home and they are being held in Orient Road Jail. One suspect also faces a charge of aggravated assault. Police found the eggbeater in the man’s left pocket.  No word on why the man’s eggbeater technology was in such demand with the burglars, but experts say it doesn’t use oil to run and can be operated clothed or nude.  And I guess that’s something to think about.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. Economy and Miss England are Doomed, or Maybe Not

“Black Friday” Sales Were 3% Better Than Last Year
Gas Prices Falling, OPEC Still Pumping
Miss England Grows a Dress Size. Still Looks Hot
 

Inebriated Press
December 1, 2008

Too chubby?!

Too chubby?!

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that sales during the day after Thanksgiving, traditionally called “Black Friday” since it’s used to get retailers profitable and put their ledgers in the “black,” rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion, according to preliminary figures released Saturday by ShopperTrak RCT Corp. And the Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and declining prices may have laid the groundwork for future reductions in an effort to hike the cost of oil.  Meanwhile modeling agencies are telling Miss England that she’s too fat to get a contract because she’s grown into a size 10 dress.  Pundits are debating whether the beauty queen and the economy are really doomed or if the “experts” doth protest too much.

“3% higher sales in a so called economic downturn plus lower gas prices and a curvy Miss England with just a bit more to drool over, doesn’t constitute a world on the edge of collapse,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Sackcloth, an introspective student of buying power and hot blondes, who also writes part-time for reasons unknown.  “So we’ve got some idiots who can’t run car companies and executives who don’t use common sense when making housing loans.  Fire them and put somebody in place with a clue.  Those morons aren’t stopping the regular folks who work hard and make their house payments from shopping if they want to – and that’s the majority of people.  ‘Experts’ think the election is still going on and talk like the economy is in free-fall.  Well, we already elected somebody president and did the ‘change’ thing, so reporters are supposed to start reporting some facts again instead of spin.  Idiots.  Even drunken hoot owls like me can figure this shit out.”

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Not everyone agrees with Sackcloth the hoot owl.  “OPEC will raise prices again soon and finish off our economy, and the sales on Friday won’t make any retailers money because they slashed prices to try and get people into the stores; and as far as Miss England goes, she’s so chubby she’ll never be a model, she needs to be thinner than a pencil like all fine looking women,” said Holly Holindale-Sause, a testy librarian who often whacks kids who whisper too loudly or lean Republican.  “Until this country completes the move into Obamaland’s Western European Socialist model, we won’t live the giddy life that we all deserve.  I expect constant bad news until the day after January 20th.  Only after the inauguration will the moon beams and monkey gods bless us with good news.”

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that the holiday shopping season got off to a surprisingly solid start, according to data released Saturday by a research firm. But the sales boost during the post-Thanksgiving shopathon came at the expense of profits as the nation’s retailers had to slash prices to attract the crowds in a season that is still expected to be the weakest in decades. Last year, shoppers spent about $10.3 billion on the day after Thanksgiving, dubbed Black Friday because it was historically the sales-packed day when retailers would become profitable for the year. This year Sales during the day after Thanksgiving rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion.  “It’s truly amazing when you think about all the news that led into the holiday season, it certainly appears that consumers are willing to spend more than most expected,” said ShopperTrak co-founder Bill Martin. Black Friday is an important barometer of people’s willingness to spend during the holidays.

The Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and a slumping economy potentially laid the groundwork for a big reduction when it meets again in a matter of weeks. The outcome of Saturday’s meeting in Cairo, convened about a month after the group decided to pull 1.5 million barrels per day of oil from the market, seemed unlikely to put a floor beneath crude prices that have fallen by around 60 percent from their mid-July highs of $147 per barrel. Ahead of the meeting, the U.S. benchmark light, sweet crude futures contract settled a penny lower Friday at $54.43 in an abbreviated session on the New York Mercantile Exchange. OPEC ministers, according to a statement, agreed to “take any additional action … to balance oil supply and demand, and achieve market stability” during their Dec. 17 extraordinary meeting in Oran, Algeria.

Fear of curves

Fear of curves

UK’s Daily Star reported Saturday that modeling agencies are turning down sexy Miss England Laura Coleman because she is too fat. The blonde has gone up a dress size to a perfect 10. Miss Coleman, who will take part in Miss World in South Africa next month, has found that most agencies have a problem with her new curves. Laura, 22, said: “I really think the curvy girl should be promoted more as a positive image in the media. But the agencies seemed to have a problem with me when I wasn’t skinny any more.” Eating disorder specialist Emmy Gilbert added: “The fashion world endorses an ideal which can be unattainable or, if achieved, highly dangerous.”

Some people say its way-better to look good and live dangerously than look less attractive and be safe and secure.

“I’m so relieved that voters elected Barack Obama president because he’s much better looking and more articulate than John McCain, even though he’s the more dangerous choice because he has no experience and no track record of managing anything,” said Stacy Wild-Cide, a suicidal Hooters waitress who has risky sex with good-looking men as often as possible.  “If you’re not hot looking and walking on the edge of oblivion you’re not living.  And it’s boring when you’re not living out on the edge.  I’m so happy America isn’t boring anymore.  I’ve got a feeling the next four years are going to be really something.  I’m up for a wild ride.”

Never say die McQueen

Never say die McQueen

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported that a new memoir called “Steve McQueen: The Last Mile” talks about how in McQueen’s last year of life he spent his time living with his girlfriend in a hangar at the Santa Paula Airport. During the day, he learned to pilot a World War II-era biplane. In the evening, the tough-guy superstar would crack open cold beers with grease monkeys, fledgling pilots and aging flyboys who still had a few loop-de-loops left in them. On Saturday nights, the couple kicked back in their hangar — really a big storage shed — to watch “The Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island” on a black-and-white TV. Dinner was often a feed at the local Chinese restaurant. No word on whether McQueen spent any time worried about his babes dress size or the economy, but the fact is he was doomed but still had a good time anyway.  And when you get right down to it, we’re all going to go sometime.  It’s up to us to decide whether we want to spend our time pissing and moaning or have a little fun on the way out.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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