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China marries Iran, Saudi’s say 10-year-old girls should marry, and there’s a new St. Pauli Girl for beer drinkers to lust after

> Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
> Saudi cleric: it’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10
> Breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!

Inebriated Press
January 21, 2009

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

Breitbart reported last week that Iran and China signed a $2 billion agreement that allows Chinese development of an Iranian oil field. The two countries did a similar deal in December 2007, and despite U.S. concerns, their commitment to one another continues to grow.  And Mail Online reported last week that Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric said 10-year-old girls are ready for marriage, and people who say they’re too young are being “unfair” to them. Meanwhile, BrandFreak reported last week that German beer company St. Pauli Girl, has selected Slovakian model Katarina Van Derham, to appear as their faux German barmaid in future promotions. The quest for oil, beer and fine women — of all ages — rolls on like the timeless traditions of communist-dictatorships, drinking and underaged sex. 

“There’s no stopping Communists and Islamofascists from hooking up for mutual benefit, or slowing Muslim men from marrying baby girls or blowing themselves or others to bits,” said Misty Mae-Morningside, a barmaid and holder of the ‘2009 Beer Babe’ title down at the Shady Hollow Stripper Bar and Welding Helmet Lounge.  “I don’t know whether it’s in their DNA or part of the Middle Eastern education system, but screwing helpless girls and blowing up innocent women in the marketplace is like a damned tradition over there. The Chinese just need the oil so they don’t give a shit one way or another.  As far as the new Pauli Girl goes, she’s hot, but hasn’t got nothin’ on me.”

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Some people say there are traditions that should end.  “Marrying-off 10-year-old Saudi girls or giving birth control patches to 11-year-old U.S. children at King Middle School in Maine, is as wrong as Communists and Islamofascists working together to strengthen themselves against the free West,” said Mabel Matron-Ironside, a shopkeeper and pro-establishment Virginian, whose only regret in life is that the South didn’t win the U.S. Civil War.  “Just because you call underage marriage a tradition doesn’t make it right, and just because you believe in sexual freedom that doesn’t mean you should slap chemical patches on school children so they avoid pregnancy but inherit a bunch of drug related side-effects.  Doesn’t anyone think through this stuff?  I’m not sure whose fault it is, but I’m guessing it’s those damn Yankees up North.  Son’s of bitches.”

090121_iran_oilBreitbart reported that Iran’s official news agency says the country has signed a $1.76 billion deal with China to develop the North Azadegan oil field in southwestern Iran near the Iraq border. The IRNA report says the deal was signed between the National Iranian Oil Company and the China National Petroleum Corp. Iran’s Oil Minister Gholam Hossein Nozari says the field has an estimated 6 billion barrels of crude oil and will produce 75,000 barrels of oil per day for 25 years. In December 2007, China’s biggest refiner, Sinopec, signed a $2 billion agreement with Iran to develop another Iranian oil field, the Yadavaran. The deals illustrate China’s strong business ties with Iran despite U.S. pressure over the Iranian nuclear program.

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

The UK Mail Online reported that ten-year-old girls are ready for marriage, according to Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric. Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh, the country’s grand mufti, told Al Hayat newspaper that those saying ten or 12-year-old girls are too young to marry are being ‘unfair’ to them. Al Sheikh’s comments come at a time when Saudi human rights groups have been pushing the government to put an end to marriages involving the very young and to define a minimum age for marriage. In the past few months, Saudi newspapers have highlighted several cases in which young girls were married off to much older men or very young boys.

The report followed a ruling by a court in Oneiza in central Saudi Arabia last month that dismissed a divorce petition by the mother of an eight-year-old girl whose father married her off to a man in his 50s. Newspaper reports said the court argued that the mother did not have the right to file such a case on behalf of her daughter and said that the petition should be filed by the girl when she reaches puberty. There are no statistics to show how many marriages involving children are performed in Saudi Arabia every year.

Van Derham

Van Derham

BrandFreak reported that continuing a 26-year tradition of finding stunning women who look great in German barmaid’s attire to represent its signature beer, St. Pauli Girl has selected Katarina Van Derham as its new bar wench for 2009. The Slovakian model’s selection is unique in that the beer brand partnered with Maxim.com for an online vote. Her bio states: “Van Derham grew up in a small village in the woods of Slovakia, a communist country at the time. She moved to the United States at age 22, without any intention of becoming a model.” Van Derham has already appeared in ad campaigns for AT&T, Dodge and the Rockstar Energy Drink. In regards to her new role as a faux German barmaid, she says, “I am very honored and look forward to meeting St. Pauli Girl fans all over the country.”

Some people say that as long as you have fans you can do whatever you want.

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl

“Let’s face it, success is driven by popularity. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is popular with Jew haters, the Chinese are popular with Iran’s government because they need cash and political support, young girls are popular with old men and St. Pauli girl is popular with men of all ages.  It’s popularity that gives you money, power and freedom — unless you’re a Muslim girl of course — then you’re just screwed,” said Strawberry Dackari, a sweet tasting drink that will nonetheless leave you heaving and with a hangover if you imbibe too much.  “I may be nothing more than the figment of your imagination or a combination of alcohol, sugar and fruit, but I know about popularity.  It got an unknown community organizer elected to the most powerful position in the world.  Brand Obama will rule the globe and he can do whatever he wants. I’ll bet St. Pauli Girl is his if he wants her.  I wonder what he really does want … I mean besides power? I suppose time will tell.  It usually does.”

090121-google-apps

St. Google Girl?

In other news, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported last week that in the Cincinnati area, where legend holds that trends come 10 years late, “sexting” arrived well ahead of time. Teens there are taking nude photos of themselves or others, sending them on their cell phones or posting them online. Some teens do it as a joke. For others, it’s the new bold pickup line to get a date. A year ago, a 19-year-old Goshen cheerleading coach was charged and prosecuted for a misdemeanor, contributing to the unruliness of a child, for taking a topless photo of herself and a 15-year-old girl. A Glen Este Middle School boy was taken to juvenile court during the last school year for taking explicit photos of his girlfriend. “It’s ‘Kids Gone Wild,’ with technology being provided by the parents,” according to Jim Brown, school resource officer at Glen Este High School. No word on how Saudi clerics feel about this, but since these incidents involve girls older than 10 and the issue isn’t marriage to 50 year-old men, it’s kind of hard to decide which society the suicide bombers should attack.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D95N2SAO0&show_article=1

It’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10, says Saudi cleric
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1115624/Its-injustice-NOT-marry-girls-aged-10-says-Saudi-cleric.html

Important breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!
http://www.brandfreak.com/2009/01/important-breaking-news-a-new-st-pauli-girl-has-been-chosen.html

Maine Middle School May Drug 11 Year Old Girls with Birth Control Patches
http://www.naturalnews.com/022934.html

Teens bare all on phones
http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20090113/NEWS0102/901130326

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Quest for Cheap Oil, The G-Spot and Remote Controlled Bras

> Oil Falls Below $38/barrel; OPEC Slashes Production
> Scientists Discover One in Four Women Have a G-Spot
> Syrian specialty store offers remote controlled bra, singing underwear

Inebriated Press
December 19, 2008

081219_crude_oil_pump_jack-b-w1Bloomberg News reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 as OPEC talked production cuts, but the market didn’t believe them.  And Australia’s Macquarie National News reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the G-spot exists, but only one woman in four have one.  Meanwhile, BBC News reported that the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing” in Damascus, Syria, has a hot market for bras designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or press of a button.  Pundits are debating the power of OPEC, G-spots and remote controlled underwear.

Tech or Tactile?

Tech or Tactile?

“As high technology continues to be developed and is applied to all areas of life with new tools, techniques and clothing, it’ll become increasingly irrelevant to find Oil, G-spots or buttons and snaps,” said Marilyn Master-Johnson, a nuclear physicist and part-time nudist, who uses technology to push all her own buttons but no longer rents videos.  “The Arabs better sell all their oil as fast as they can because it’ll be worth nothing in the near future.  The dude in Syria selling remote controlled bras and musical panties has got the new market figured out.  Commodities are dead and sexy underwear is the hot growth market.  I’ve already rolled my 401k into sexy underwear and techie clothing companies.  Better get while the getting is good.”

Syrian bra

Syrian bra

Not everyone is signing on to Master-Johnson’s high-tech-as-replacement-or-everything scheme.  “I won’t argue that high-tech has benefited society and even created full and partial cyber-beings capable of everything from giving travel directions to filling in for a wife, but it’s not the same as the parts of a real man or woman no matter what anyone thinks; and crude oil is always going to be needed, even in the future,” said Tessie Hott-Galant, a physical therapist and weight-lifter, whose natural curves blend with her natural desires to create other natural actions some of which are illegal in certain Middle Eastern countries.  “Tactile and hands-on flesh-to-flesh with a moan or two will always be better than buzzing and whirring mechanics, and crude oil converted into high performance fuel in a Ferrari is going find more G’s of all kinds, than the best battery-powered Toyota.  I do have to admit that blasting the organic cotton off my body with the touch of a button would be a real rush though.”

Mahmoud demos knickers

Mahmoud demos knickers

Bloomberg reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 on speculation the drop in demand because of the weakening economy will outpace OPEC supply cuts. Oil declined as much as 5.9 percent after the index of leading U.S. economic indicators fell in November for the fifth time in seven months. The U.S. Energy Department said consumption will be lower in 2009 because of the contraction. The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries agreed to reduce production by 2.46 million barrels a day at a meeting yesterday. “With all the doom and gloom about the economy, I see nothing to stop the receding tide of oil prices,” said Gene McGillian, an analyst at Tradition Energy in Stamford, Connecticut. “The next important support I am looking at is $35, and after that, $30.”

Black underwear tech

Black underwear tech

LiveNews Australia reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the mythical G-spot exists – but only for one lucky woman in four. According to New Scientist, the researchers, at the University of L’Aquila in Italy, have discovered clear anatomical differences between women who claim to have vaginal orgasms – as opposed to clitoral – and those that don’t. Women capable of orgasm during penetrative sex have a thicker tissue area in the region between the vagina and the urethra – meaning it’s now easy to medically tell the difference between the lucky “cans” and the “can-nots”. Interestingly, the boffins also believe that women with the thicker tissue can be ‘taught’ to have vaginal orgasms, if they can’t already. Although the ultrasound scans showed only eight in 30 women had a G-spot, only five of those reported vaginal orgasms. But after receiving advice on the G-spot’s location, two of the remaining three were able to hit the big O. But it’s not all bad news for the majority of women born without the anatomical blessing, with scientists confident it’s conceivable to “grow” a G-spot through practice. “I fully agree that the use makes the organ,” said head researcher Emmanuele Jannini. “I do expect an increase with frequent use.”

BBC News reported that just off the crowded central market in Old Damascus, a sales assistant called Mahmoud is introducing shoppers to an unusual Syrian specialty – musical knickers. Singing underwear isn’t the only item on sale at the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing”, where Mahmoud is proudly showing off his product lines. He’s also got remote-controlled bras and knickers, designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or a press of a button. And he’s got knickers with flashing fairy lights, others that glow in the dark, a bra-and-knickers set shaped like manicured women’s hands enveloping the wearer’s crotch and breasts. There’s a whole street off the historic Hamadiyeh Souk selling this genre of clothing – all outfits manufactured in Syria, some that Madonna herself might blush to wear, all showing bawdy creativity and a wicked sense of humor. Forthright displays of the some world’s kinkiest “leisure wear” have long been a feature of Syrian souks – though many tourists don’t notice the crotchless knickers and PVC French maid outfits among the more traditional inlaid backgammon sets and textiles. Now two London-based Arab women, Rana Salam and Malu Halasa, are shining a spotlight on this little-known local specialty, with a new book called The Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie.

Some people say that kinky underwear has always driven the global economy more than oil has.

Sexy underwear is historial

Sexy underwear is historial

“What do you think was going on in Adam and Eve’s brains when the wind caught the edge of those fig leaves and started flapping them around?  They got a pile of kids after getting tossed out of Eden you know,” said Iem Hottandbothered, a former hunter-gatherer now living in Paris and producing underground films about high-tech resistance by a small group of Muslim nudists who refuse to be identified, carry identification or wear pockets.  “The past has always been driven by inter-personal and real personal-personal relationships, and no form of technology will change that.  Technology has its place and can advance society, the economy and even work the kinks out your shoulders or other places, but it’ll never replace the power of the individual and the human machine to build societies and civilizations.  As a member of a minority group — nudist Muslim’s — I accept the benefits of technology to build and destroy, for good and for evil.  But I put my faith in the flesh god made.  That and the button that I press to blow the bra and panties right off of my good wife in a split second.  Some tech is okay for personal-personal stuff.”

Old-style crude-oil free tech

Old-style crude-oil free tech

In other news WRAL reported Tuesday that armed burglars broke into a Tampa, Florida man’s home, held a gun on him and a knife to his throat and demanded his eggbeater.  Police caught the men outside the home and they are being held in Orient Road Jail. One suspect also faces a charge of aggravated assault. Police found the eggbeater in the man’s left pocket.  No word on why the man’s eggbeater technology was in such demand with the burglars, but experts say it doesn’t use oil to run and can be operated clothed or nude.  And I guess that’s something to think about.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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