Tag Archives: orgasm

U.S. Cyber-Security ‘childlike’, Women Declare Sex-Strike to Protest Government, and a setback for the Church of Orgasm

> Industry experts call U.S. cyber-security “embarrassing”
> Kenyan women begin week-long sex strike to protest country’s leadership
> Swedish court rules Madonna of Orgasm Church unacceptable

 
Inebriated Press
May 1, 2009
 

Cyber security

Cyber security

BBC News reported Wednesday that industry experts say the U.S. governments cyber defenses are “embarrassing” and “childlike”.  They call the system “broken”, and the government admits its “vulnerable to attack”.  And, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Wednesday that thousands of Kenyan women vowed to begin a week-long sex strike to protest their country’s bickering leadership.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Wednesday that the Madonna of Orgasm Church has suffered a disappointing setback following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. Pundits are debating the offensive nature of cyber crime, sex as a weapon, and orgasm as god.
 

Someone named Sandi

Someone named Sandi

“Without question the ease of penetration with which China and Russia have been entering the U.S. power grid, and slipping into the Department of Defense computer system in recent weeks, displays a level of zero will-power on the part of our federal government to get serious about stopping cyber-rapists from getting into the panties of our military and energy systems,” said Sandi Hewlet-Packing, a flesh and blood security analyst and high-tech aficionado, only partially silicon based.  “I’m not big on hyperbole, but this is some serious shit.  If American women have to go on a sex-strike and not let men touch us until the problem is fixed, it’s worth considering.  I know it’ll be especially hard on worshipers of the orgasm as god, but hey, you do what you have to in order to create reasonable change.  Or some bullshit like that.”
 

Someone named Laura

Someone named Laura

Not everyone agrees with Hewlet-Packing.  “So what if some hackers get into the U.S. power grid or defense system, it’s not like they’re screwing up the results of the lottery or American Idol, or something important like that.  You can’t be turning off sex and religion like a light switch; the very idea is just plain wrong,” said Laura Padron-Saint, a cigar smoking misanthrope who’s ideas are often compared favorably to those of a community organizer.  “The American form of government is based on openness, and nothing should hinder anyone from gaining access to or diddling with anything we have.  That’s true of our citizenship, our top secret files, and our dirty underwear.  Now it’s also true that in my personal life I did that for a while and will be on medication for various forms of STD’s for the rest of my life, so I’ve had to slow down a little.  Still it’s a philosophy that I’d like to suggest is really healthy for the country, even if it didn’t work out very well for me personally.”
 
cyber securityBBC News reported that America’s cyber-security has been described as “broken” by one industry expert and as “childlike” by another. Tim Mather, chief strategist for security firm RSA, told BBC News: “The approach we have relied on for years has effectively run out of steam. I think we are seeing a real breaking point in security with consumers, business and even government saying enough, no more. Let’s rethink how we do this because the system is broken.” Alan Paller from security research firm SANS Institute said the government’s cyber defenses were “embarrassing”.  Over the past couple of weeks, the heat has been turned up on the issue of cyber-security following some high profile breaches. One involved the country’s power grid which was said to have been infiltrated by nation states. The government subsequently admitted that it was “vulnerable to attack”. Meanwhile reports during the RSA conference surfaced that spies had hacked into the Joint Strike Fighter Project. The topic is on the radar of politicians, who have introduced a number of bills to address security in the virtual world.

women-strikeThe San Francisco Chronicle reported that thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country’s bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year. Leaders from Kenya’s largest and oldest group dedicated to women’s rights, the Women’s Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace. Eleven women’s groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.
 

A religious experience?

A religious experience?

The Local reported that the Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka) has suffered a disappointing reversal following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. The church’s founder, artist Carlos Bebeacua who resides in Lövestad in southern Sweden, has been fighting a lengthy legal battle in his bid to have the Madonna of Orgasm Church registered as a faith community in Sweden. “The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper. “The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust; it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’” Bebeacua hoped that registering the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community in Sweden would encourage more people to consider the orgasm as God. According to the appeals court, the name of Bebeacua’s Madonna of Orgasm Church “violates what is considered acceptable praxis” and therefore can be denied registration as a faith community. Specifically, the court took issue with juxtaposition of the words “Madonna”, “orgasm”, and “church”.

"I Bite" TIn other news, the Northern Florida Daily News reported that a husband and wife had been drinking at the Swamp nightclub on Okaloosa Island, when the woman became upset with her husband yelled at him, slapped him and then bit him on the right cheek. According to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report, the deputy saw bloody mucus and skin on the woman’s blouse. The woman’s husband said he shoved her several times in self defense after she slapped him multiple times, the report said. When asked about the bite mark, the man said, “I guess she slapped me.”  No word on whether he thinks U.S. cyber security is “childlike” or if he’d rather his wife went on a sex-strike rather than bite pieces off of him, but maybe if he joins the Church of Orgasm things will start turning around for the poor bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com  

 
Source articles:
 
US cyber-security ’embarrassing’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8023793.stm
 
Kenyan women’s group tells men: Make war? No love
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/04/29/international/i084758D26.DTL
 
Court climax premature for Madonna of Orgasm Church
http://www.thelocal.se/19154/20090429/
 
Husband’s flirting provokes wife’s biting
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_17013___article.html/husband_report.html

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Recession Creams Wealth and Orgasms

Researchers review recession’s impact on study that found
wealthy men give partners more orgasms

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 14, 2009

orgasmResearchers at the Inebriated Institute for Implausible Studies have revisited research by Newcastle University reported earlier this year that found the wealthier a man is, the more frequently his partner has orgasms.  What they found is that the recession is shrinking bank accounts, the average size of a man’s dick, and both the frequency of sex and the resulting orgasm.

Someone named Bethany

Someone named Bethany

“There’s no question that the correlation between a mans wealth and frequency of his partners orgasms has been shrinking in this recessionary economy, and we recommend that the Obama administration institute a financial stimulus package that results in improvement in men’s stimulus packages,” said Inebriated researcher Bethany Malone-Hardkor, whose hot body masks her 180 IQ like frosting on a protein bar.  “Typically we wouldn’t care one way or another about this, but since the government is spending money like water over Niagara Falls, what the heck, let’s try to get some action and then try to get some action.”

Someone named Carla

Someone named Carla

Some Americans are less casual about the loss of orgasmic wealth. “As a professional trophy wife I only planned to be married to the executive I’m hooked to right now for a few years, and then I was going to bust him with one of his mistresses and take half of his net worth.  I’ve been holding off for half of $50 million but the economy has slashed this guys value and I’d be lucky to get $5 or $6 mil now,” said Carla Knightrane-Ripoff, a classy piece of trash who looks better and sounds better than she really is.  “I don’t give a shit about orgasms from some guy and never have.  I’ve got technology to get me by.  It’s all about the money.  Maybe some gold-digger wannabe would be fine with a couple mil, but not me.  I’m a professional about this and deserve several fully staffed mansions.  I’m not kicking back by myself and some loser in a ranch house with a pool in some suburban neighborhood.  This is a bullshit deal the economy has laid on me, and Obama better get his ass in gear and fix it.”

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

In related news, billionaire Warren Buffett lost $25 billion in net worth, almost 50% of his wealth during the current economic collapse, but is still worth $37 billion.  Reportedly women named Bunny continue to have orgasms 75% of the time when shaking hands with him. So he’s got that going for him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Vaguely related source articles:

Wealthy men give women more orgasms
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article5537017.ece

The World’s Billionaires
http://www.forbes.com/2009/03/11/worlds-richest-people-billionaires-2009-billionaires_land.html

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Cleared to Orgasm before 11pm, Legalizing Illegal Immigrants, and the Swedish Child Porn Library

> Standards Authority OKs Orgasms on Early Evening TV
> Obama to Legalize 12 million Illegal Aliens
> Swedish National Library Reported for Child Porn
.
Inebriated Press
April 10, 2009

Orgasm before 11pmThe UK Telegraph reported Wednesday that a ruling by the Advertising Standards Authority says it’s okay if women orgasm on television before 11pm, or at least appear to do so.  And the New York times reported Wednesday that U.S. president Obama will initiate a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Monday that Swedish child protection groups are attempting to stop the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography.  The library holds large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old. Inebriated reporters, stumbling around half naked behind a local strip club, have come in out of the rain long enough to debate why some people are bothered by any of this news. 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Since all ethics are subjective and arbitrary, people who argue on behalf of common sense saying that child porn is wrong, or that illegal immigration is against the law, or that sex on TV during childrens viewing hours is bad somehow, are all confused and irrelavant.  They say there’s some value to social stability, and that child abuse is bad,” said Sandy Twisted-Deviant, a pretend reporter of no repute, who hopes the decision by the Standards Authority will somehow result in her having an instant orgasm each evening at 10pm.  “Rule of law is an old-fashioned standard foised upon humankind by hard ass old timers who held the silly idea that individual human beings had value that should be protected, and that individual rights were ‘bestowed on them by their creator, and that among those rights were life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’.  It’s a bunch of clap-trap.  The State gives rights and decides how to value them.  The idea that an indivdual human life has any value went away when we decided to kill unborn kids, and that happened centries ago.  Silly reform type people are clinging to irrational logic.  There are no rules.  Chaos is natural and should be embrased.  Based on his policy initiatives, Barack Obama understands this.  The old America is gone baby.  And good ridance.”

Someone named Nancy

Someone named Nancy

Not everyone agrees with Twisted-Deviant.  “Sex on TV during kids viewing hours, legalizing law breakers, and State sanctioned child porn distribution systems, demonstrate a decline of civil society into a morase of relativism and arbitrary ethics.  It’s like a black hole sucking away truth, justice, freedom, love and beauty — all the things that make humanity different from the animals,” said Nancy Happi-Halo, a conservative social activist disguised as a hot blonde nuclear physicst.  “The concept of rights derived from god and endowed upon human beings makes taking it away wrong, and defending it a core principle of both religion and human duty.  Lacking that, Twisted-Deviant has a point, human ethics are whatever we make up.  The founders of the United States understood that, having lived in Europe and under the changing ethics of whatever king was in charge at the time.  I know that interpretation of god’s will is the reason hundreds, maybe thousands of religions have all popped up and are fought over.  Yet within each of them is the kernal of ‘fairness’.  And its the key, unless it’s perverted in an attempt to oppress some sex, or person, or group.  I’ve concluded that being a ‘god and guns’ person, like the original American founders, gives me the best shot at living in a country with real freedoms, rights and economic opportunity and stability.”

Daylight OrgasmThe Telegraph reported that the Advertising Standards Authority cleared an advert promoting orgasm enhancing gel. It was given a post-11pm restriction by the TV ad clearance body Clearcast, but ran on Channel 4 at 10.05pm, prompting a complaint to the ASA that it was “offensive and overly graphic”. The advert for Durex Play O Orgasmic Gel featured a montage of silent clips of women who appeared to express sexual ecstasy set to an excerpt from Mozart’s “Magic Flute”. A female voice-over stated “Feel like never before. New Durex Play O. Pleasure enhancing gel for women. Durex Play, all you need.” The ASA said that despite the ad being run earlier than Clearcast’s scheduling advice it considered the TV ad was “unlikely to cause offence to viewers”. The decision comes just over a week after the ASA recommended that the whole system be liberalised to allow pre-watershed adverts for condoms and abortions.

Obama gets illegal's backing

Obama gets illegal's backing

The New York Times reported that President Obama plans to begin addressing the country’s immigration system this year, including a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants. Mr. Obama will frame the new effort — likely to rouse passions on all sides of the highly divisive issue — as “policy reform that controls immigration and makes it an orderly system,” said the official, Cecilia Muñoz, deputy assistant to the president and director of intergovernmental affairs in the White House. Mr. Obama plans to speak publicly about the issue in May, administration officials said, and over the summer he will convene working groups, including lawmakers from both parties and a range of immigration groups, to begin discussing possible legislation for as early as this fall. In broad outlines, officials said, the Obama administration favors legislation that would bring illegal immigrants into the legal system by recognizing that they violated the law, and imposing fines and other penalties to fit the offense. Anticipating opposition, Mr. Obama has sought to shift some of the political burden to advocates for immigrants, by encouraging them to build support among voters for when his proposal goes to Congress. Administration officials emphasized that many details remained to be debated.

Swede Child Porn Library

Swede Child Porn Library

The Local reported that the Swedish national library will be reported to the police for the possession and distribution of child pornography by two Swedish child protection groups, Hand i Hand (literally: hand in hand) and the Föreningen Anhöriga Till Sexuellt Utnyttjade Barn (ATSUB – The Association of Relatives to Sexually-abused Children). Birgitta Holmberg at ATSUB told The Local on Monday that the purpose of the police report is two-fold. Firstly to put a stop to the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography, and secondly to expose how much of the library’s collection has been copied. The existence of the National Library’s collection of child pornography emerged after a visit by the writer Valentin Bart in November 2008. Not only does the library hold large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old, but access to the material was straightforward, and easy to get and copy. “We want strict licensing and control of researchers,” Holmberg said.

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

In other news, Reuters reported Wednesday that when the going gets tough, some of the tough get going to the plastic surgeon’s office. Some surgeons and patients are now citing increased interest in surgery among people wanting to look younger and “fresher” for the ever-competitive job market. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons released a recent survey showing that American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. Manhattan plastic surgeon Stephen Greenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a “Job Fighter Package” for men and women.

“We’ve probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago,” Greenberg said, noting that not all the “tuneups” have involved surgeries, but also less costly and invasive procedures like cosmetic injectables. No word on the doc’s feel about TV orgasms, State sanctioned library child porn distribution or legalizing illegal immigrants, but if it allows them to create a “child porn fighter” package, or “free the illegals” package, and gets them an orgasm before 11pm, you can bet they’ll be big-time supporters.  Let chaos rein.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Women may orgasm on television before 11pm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5124704/Women-may-orgasm-on-television-before-11pm.html

Obama to Push Immigration Bill as One Priority
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/09/us/politics/09immig.html

Swedish national library reported for child porn
http://www.thelocal.se/18704/20090406/

Plastic surgery is latest accessory for job seekers
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30112465/

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor