Tag Archives: orgasms

U.S. Cyber-Security ‘childlike’, Women Declare Sex-Strike to Protest Government, and a setback for the Church of Orgasm

> Industry experts call U.S. cyber-security “embarrassing”
> Kenyan women begin week-long sex strike to protest country’s leadership
> Swedish court rules Madonna of Orgasm Church unacceptable

 
Inebriated Press
May 1, 2009
 

Cyber security

Cyber security

BBC News reported Wednesday that industry experts say the U.S. governments cyber defenses are “embarrassing” and “childlike”.  They call the system “broken”, and the government admits its “vulnerable to attack”.  And, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Wednesday that thousands of Kenyan women vowed to begin a week-long sex strike to protest their country’s bickering leadership.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Wednesday that the Madonna of Orgasm Church has suffered a disappointing setback following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. Pundits are debating the offensive nature of cyber crime, sex as a weapon, and orgasm as god.
 

Someone named Sandi

Someone named Sandi

“Without question the ease of penetration with which China and Russia have been entering the U.S. power grid, and slipping into the Department of Defense computer system in recent weeks, displays a level of zero will-power on the part of our federal government to get serious about stopping cyber-rapists from getting into the panties of our military and energy systems,” said Sandi Hewlet-Packing, a flesh and blood security analyst and high-tech aficionado, only partially silicon based.  “I’m not big on hyperbole, but this is some serious shit.  If American women have to go on a sex-strike and not let men touch us until the problem is fixed, it’s worth considering.  I know it’ll be especially hard on worshipers of the orgasm as god, but hey, you do what you have to in order to create reasonable change.  Or some bullshit like that.”
 

Someone named Laura

Someone named Laura

Not everyone agrees with Hewlet-Packing.  “So what if some hackers get into the U.S. power grid or defense system, it’s not like they’re screwing up the results of the lottery or American Idol, or something important like that.  You can’t be turning off sex and religion like a light switch; the very idea is just plain wrong,” said Laura Padron-Saint, a cigar smoking misanthrope who’s ideas are often compared favorably to those of a community organizer.  “The American form of government is based on openness, and nothing should hinder anyone from gaining access to or diddling with anything we have.  That’s true of our citizenship, our top secret files, and our dirty underwear.  Now it’s also true that in my personal life I did that for a while and will be on medication for various forms of STD’s for the rest of my life, so I’ve had to slow down a little.  Still it’s a philosophy that I’d like to suggest is really healthy for the country, even if it didn’t work out very well for me personally.”
 
cyber securityBBC News reported that America’s cyber-security has been described as “broken” by one industry expert and as “childlike” by another. Tim Mather, chief strategist for security firm RSA, told BBC News: “The approach we have relied on for years has effectively run out of steam. I think we are seeing a real breaking point in security with consumers, business and even government saying enough, no more. Let’s rethink how we do this because the system is broken.” Alan Paller from security research firm SANS Institute said the government’s cyber defenses were “embarrassing”.  Over the past couple of weeks, the heat has been turned up on the issue of cyber-security following some high profile breaches. One involved the country’s power grid which was said to have been infiltrated by nation states. The government subsequently admitted that it was “vulnerable to attack”. Meanwhile reports during the RSA conference surfaced that spies had hacked into the Joint Strike Fighter Project. The topic is on the radar of politicians, who have introduced a number of bills to address security in the virtual world.

women-strikeThe San Francisco Chronicle reported that thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country’s bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year. Leaders from Kenya’s largest and oldest group dedicated to women’s rights, the Women’s Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace. Eleven women’s groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.
 

A religious experience?

A religious experience?

The Local reported that the Madonna of Orgasm Church (Orgasmens Madonnas kyrka) has suffered a disappointing reversal following a Swedish court ruling that the church’s name is unacceptable and offensive. The church’s founder, artist Carlos Bebeacua who resides in Lövestad in southern Sweden, has been fighting a lengthy legal battle in his bid to have the Madonna of Orgasm Church registered as a faith community in Sweden. “The orgasm is God, the orgasm should be worshiped,” Bebeacua told the Kvällsposten newspaper. “The orgasm is the ultimate feeling of lust; it shouldn’t be limited to ejaculation. You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking ‘Wow!’” Bebeacua hoped that registering the Madonna of Orgasm Church as a faith community in Sweden would encourage more people to consider the orgasm as God. According to the appeals court, the name of Bebeacua’s Madonna of Orgasm Church “violates what is considered acceptable praxis” and therefore can be denied registration as a faith community. Specifically, the court took issue with juxtaposition of the words “Madonna”, “orgasm”, and “church”.

"I Bite" TIn other news, the Northern Florida Daily News reported that a husband and wife had been drinking at the Swamp nightclub on Okaloosa Island, when the woman became upset with her husband yelled at him, slapped him and then bit him on the right cheek. According to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report, the deputy saw bloody mucus and skin on the woman’s blouse. The woman’s husband said he shoved her several times in self defense after she slapped him multiple times, the report said. When asked about the bite mark, the man said, “I guess she slapped me.”  No word on whether he thinks U.S. cyber security is “childlike” or if he’d rather his wife went on a sex-strike rather than bite pieces off of him, but maybe if he joins the Church of Orgasm things will start turning around for the poor bastard.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com  

 
Source articles:
 
US cyber-security ’embarrassing’
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8023793.stm
 
Kenyan women’s group tells men: Make war? No love
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/04/29/international/i084758D26.DTL
 
Court climax premature for Madonna of Orgasm Church
http://www.thelocal.se/19154/20090429/
 
Husband’s flirting provokes wife’s biting
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_17013___article.html/husband_report.html

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Recession Creams Wealth and Orgasms

Researchers review recession’s impact on study that found
wealthy men give partners more orgasms

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 14, 2009

orgasmResearchers at the Inebriated Institute for Implausible Studies have revisited research by Newcastle University reported earlier this year that found the wealthier a man is, the more frequently his partner has orgasms.  What they found is that the recession is shrinking bank accounts, the average size of a man’s dick, and both the frequency of sex and the resulting orgasm.

Someone named Bethany

Someone named Bethany

“There’s no question that the correlation between a mans wealth and frequency of his partners orgasms has been shrinking in this recessionary economy, and we recommend that the Obama administration institute a financial stimulus package that results in improvement in men’s stimulus packages,” said Inebriated researcher Bethany Malone-Hardkor, whose hot body masks her 180 IQ like frosting on a protein bar.  “Typically we wouldn’t care one way or another about this, but since the government is spending money like water over Niagara Falls, what the heck, let’s try to get some action and then try to get some action.”

Someone named Carla

Someone named Carla

Some Americans are less casual about the loss of orgasmic wealth. “As a professional trophy wife I only planned to be married to the executive I’m hooked to right now for a few years, and then I was going to bust him with one of his mistresses and take half of his net worth.  I’ve been holding off for half of $50 million but the economy has slashed this guys value and I’d be lucky to get $5 or $6 mil now,” said Carla Knightrane-Ripoff, a classy piece of trash who looks better and sounds better than she really is.  “I don’t give a shit about orgasms from some guy and never have.  I’ve got technology to get me by.  It’s all about the money.  Maybe some gold-digger wannabe would be fine with a couple mil, but not me.  I’m a professional about this and deserve several fully staffed mansions.  I’m not kicking back by myself and some loser in a ranch house with a pool in some suburban neighborhood.  This is a bullshit deal the economy has laid on me, and Obama better get his ass in gear and fix it.”

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

Warren "Orgasmic" Buffett

In related news, billionaire Warren Buffett lost $25 billion in net worth, almost 50% of his wealth during the current economic collapse, but is still worth $37 billion.  Reportedly women named Bunny continue to have orgasms 75% of the time when shaking hands with him. So he’s got that going for him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Vaguely related source articles:

Wealthy men give women more orgasms
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article5537017.ece

The World’s Billionaires
http://www.forbes.com/2009/03/11/worlds-richest-people-billionaires-2009-billionaires_land.html

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Rich Guys Give More Orgasms, Playboy Bunny Cheats on Hugh, Researchers Study Blondes

> Scientists say wealthy men give women more orgasms
> Former Playmate admits cheating on Hugh Hefner
> Academic conference discusses blondes and sexual desire

Inebriated Press
January 23, 2009

Kendra 'Money Doesn't Equal Orgasm' Wilkinson

Kendra 'Money Doesn't Equal Orgasm' Wilkinson

The UK Times Online reported this week that a new study by Newcastle University scientists says that women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner.  And New Zealand’s Stuff.com reported that former Playboy bunny Kendra Wilkinson cheated on ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner because the magazine founder couldn’t satisfy her.  Meanwhile, United Press International reported that researchers at the Sorbonne in Paris said an upcoming conference at the school will be focused on the link between blond hair and sexual desire.  Pundits are debating money, sex and hair color the way Bill Clinton does whenever Hillary is out of town — and with her new job as Obama’s Secretary of State — that’s even more often than it used to be. 

“I’ve done blondes and brunettes with cigars and half dollars by the gross back in my Oval Office days, and you can always get what you want with enough power whether you’ve got the bucks or not,” said someone claiming to be Bill Clinton, speaking through an interpreter at the Horny Mole Book, Beer and Strip Club for Intellectuals and Unclaimed Husbands.  “You can study this stuff all you want but it’s a waste of time to those of us who’d rather just do it.  That’s how I got the Playboy chick to sneak out on Hef for me.  I don’t know if I gave out any more orgasms than I did political pardons, but I got what I wanted and that’s what matters.”

Spitzer with Wife not Hooker

Spitzer with Wife not Hooker

Some people say money and sex makes the world go ’round regardless the color of your hair or political power.  “The development of civilization as we know it was built on sex and money.  It goes back to the world’s oldest profession — hooking, and to the second oldest — politics,” said former New York Governor Spitzer, contemplating lost youth, sex and power, but not necessarily in that order.  “From the day that Adam noticed Eve was naked to the day Judah gave a goat to his daughter-in-law in exchange for sex, thinking she was a hooker.  Throughout history, sex and money, or goats, have been in the offing and it’s the foundation of the world and society.  It’s all there in the Biblical book of Genesis and believe me I don’t quote it as much as I used to.”

Bill & Malinda Gates, Money & Mojo?

Bill & Malinda Gates, Money & Mojo?

Times Online reported that scientists have found that the pleasure women get from making love is directly linked to the size of their partner’s bank balance. They found that the wealthier a man is, the more frequently his partner has orgasms. “Women’s orgasm frequency increases with the income of their partner,” said Dr Thomas Pollet, the Newcastle University psychologist behind the research. He believes the phenomenon is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality. The study is certain to prove controversial, suggesting that women are inherently programmed to be gold-diggers. However, it fits into a wider body of research known as evolutionary psychology which suggests that both men and women are genetically predisposed to ruthlessly exploit each other to achieve the best chances of survival for their genes. Pollet, and Professor Daniel Nettle, his co-author, believe that the female orgasm is an evolutionary adaptation that drives women to choose and retain high-quality partners. 

Kendra on the lam

Kendra on the lam

Stuff.com reported that former Playboy bunny Kendra Wilkinson cheated on ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner because the iconic men’s magazine founder couldn’t satisfy her. The 23-year-old star – who recently moved out of the Playboy Mansion after splitting from the 82-year-old lothario – admits she used to “sneak” out of the famous party house to get the satisfaction Hugh couldn’t provide. She said: “I had to have sex every now and then, so I had to kind of sneak it. I had to have sex so I could feel my age, like a healthy human being.” The star said she found living in the mansion stifling, as she had little freedom. “Now I’m totally against his way of life,” she said. “With three girlfriends and all of that.”

UPI reported that researchers at the Sorbonne in Paris said an upcoming conference at the school will be focused on the link between blond hair and sexual desire. The Jan. 16-17 conference, titled “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” after the Howard Hawks-directed film starring Marilyn Monroe, will involve experts in literature, art, music and film discussing possible answers to questions including: “Why does the blonde exert such fascination and awaken so many fantasies?”

Kendra tried sports to take her mind off sex

Kendra tried sports to take her mind off sex

“Blondness awakens desire, probably because of the ambivalence it carries, from innocence to perversion,” said Marie-Camille Bouchindomme, an organizer of the conference. “Blond hair is an attribute of Venus, the goddess of carnal love, whose hair is sometimes the final rampart against her modesty.” Bouchindomme said discussions will be held to discuss the portrayals of blond women in paintings, books and the films of directors including Alfred Hitchcock, David Lynch and Brian De Palma.

In other news, Britney Spears has been working out like crazy and whipped her body into shape as she prepares for her tour “The Circus Starring Britney Spears.”  No word on the orgasmic frequency of rich singers on tour, but Brit’s blonde and in shape so she’s probably going to drive some guys crazy again.  Or something like that.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Brit's bod is back

Brit's bod is back

Wealthy men give women more orgasms
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article5537017.ece

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%203:7-8;&version=31;

When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2038:13-17;&version=31;

Playboy bunny admits cheating on Hugh
http://www.stuff.co.nz/4820586a1860.html

Academic conference discusses blondes
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/01/14/Academic_conference_discusses_blondes/UPI-57071231966649/

Your First Look at Britney’s Tour
http://www.britneyspears.com/2009/01/exclusive-tour-rehearsal-pics.php?bfm_index=0&bfm_page=0

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Quest for Cheap Oil, The G-Spot and Remote Controlled Bras

> Oil Falls Below $38/barrel; OPEC Slashes Production
> Scientists Discover One in Four Women Have a G-Spot
> Syrian specialty store offers remote controlled bra, singing underwear

Inebriated Press
December 19, 2008

081219_crude_oil_pump_jack-b-w1Bloomberg News reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 as OPEC talked production cuts, but the market didn’t believe them.  And Australia’s Macquarie National News reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the G-spot exists, but only one woman in four have one.  Meanwhile, BBC News reported that the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing” in Damascus, Syria, has a hot market for bras designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or press of a button.  Pundits are debating the power of OPEC, G-spots and remote controlled underwear.

Tech or Tactile?

Tech or Tactile?

“As high technology continues to be developed and is applied to all areas of life with new tools, techniques and clothing, it’ll become increasingly irrelevant to find Oil, G-spots or buttons and snaps,” said Marilyn Master-Johnson, a nuclear physicist and part-time nudist, who uses technology to push all her own buttons but no longer rents videos.  “The Arabs better sell all their oil as fast as they can because it’ll be worth nothing in the near future.  The dude in Syria selling remote controlled bras and musical panties has got the new market figured out.  Commodities are dead and sexy underwear is the hot growth market.  I’ve already rolled my 401k into sexy underwear and techie clothing companies.  Better get while the getting is good.”

Syrian bra

Syrian bra

Not everyone is signing on to Master-Johnson’s high-tech-as-replacement-or-everything scheme.  “I won’t argue that high-tech has benefited society and even created full and partial cyber-beings capable of everything from giving travel directions to filling in for a wife, but it’s not the same as the parts of a real man or woman no matter what anyone thinks; and crude oil is always going to be needed, even in the future,” said Tessie Hott-Galant, a physical therapist and weight-lifter, whose natural curves blend with her natural desires to create other natural actions some of which are illegal in certain Middle Eastern countries.  “Tactile and hands-on flesh-to-flesh with a moan or two will always be better than buzzing and whirring mechanics, and crude oil converted into high performance fuel in a Ferrari is going find more G’s of all kinds, than the best battery-powered Toyota.  I do have to admit that blasting the organic cotton off my body with the touch of a button would be a real rush though.”

Mahmoud demos knickers

Mahmoud demos knickers

Bloomberg reported yesterday that crude oil fell below $38 a barrel for the first time since July 2004 on speculation the drop in demand because of the weakening economy will outpace OPEC supply cuts. Oil declined as much as 5.9 percent after the index of leading U.S. economic indicators fell in November for the fifth time in seven months. The U.S. Energy Department said consumption will be lower in 2009 because of the contraction. The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries agreed to reduce production by 2.46 million barrels a day at a meeting yesterday. “With all the doom and gloom about the economy, I see nothing to stop the receding tide of oil prices,” said Gene McGillian, an analyst at Tradition Energy in Stamford, Connecticut. “The next important support I am looking at is $35, and after that, $30.”

Black underwear tech

Black underwear tech

LiveNews Australia reported that Italian scientists have used ultrasounds to prove the mythical G-spot exists – but only for one lucky woman in four. According to New Scientist, the researchers, at the University of L’Aquila in Italy, have discovered clear anatomical differences between women who claim to have vaginal orgasms – as opposed to clitoral – and those that don’t. Women capable of orgasm during penetrative sex have a thicker tissue area in the region between the vagina and the urethra – meaning it’s now easy to medically tell the difference between the lucky “cans” and the “can-nots”. Interestingly, the boffins also believe that women with the thicker tissue can be ‘taught’ to have vaginal orgasms, if they can’t already. Although the ultrasound scans showed only eight in 30 women had a G-spot, only five of those reported vaginal orgasms. But after receiving advice on the G-spot’s location, two of the remaining three were able to hit the big O. But it’s not all bad news for the majority of women born without the anatomical blessing, with scientists confident it’s conceivable to “grow” a G-spot through practice. “I fully agree that the use makes the organ,” said head researcher Emmanuele Jannini. “I do expect an increase with frequent use.”

BBC News reported that just off the crowded central market in Old Damascus, a sales assistant called Mahmoud is introducing shoppers to an unusual Syrian specialty – musical knickers. Singing underwear isn’t the only item on sale at the “Fatin Shop for Ladies Indoor Clothing”, where Mahmoud is proudly showing off his product lines. He’s also got remote-controlled bras and knickers, designed to spring open and fall to the floor with a clap of the hands or a press of a button. And he’s got knickers with flashing fairy lights, others that glow in the dark, a bra-and-knickers set shaped like manicured women’s hands enveloping the wearer’s crotch and breasts. There’s a whole street off the historic Hamadiyeh Souk selling this genre of clothing – all outfits manufactured in Syria, some that Madonna herself might blush to wear, all showing bawdy creativity and a wicked sense of humor. Forthright displays of the some world’s kinkiest “leisure wear” have long been a feature of Syrian souks – though many tourists don’t notice the crotchless knickers and PVC French maid outfits among the more traditional inlaid backgammon sets and textiles. Now two London-based Arab women, Rana Salam and Malu Halasa, are shining a spotlight on this little-known local specialty, with a new book called The Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie.

Some people say that kinky underwear has always driven the global economy more than oil has.

Sexy underwear is historial

Sexy underwear is historial

“What do you think was going on in Adam and Eve’s brains when the wind caught the edge of those fig leaves and started flapping them around?  They got a pile of kids after getting tossed out of Eden you know,” said Iem Hottandbothered, a former hunter-gatherer now living in Paris and producing underground films about high-tech resistance by a small group of Muslim nudists who refuse to be identified, carry identification or wear pockets.  “The past has always been driven by inter-personal and real personal-personal relationships, and no form of technology will change that.  Technology has its place and can advance society, the economy and even work the kinks out your shoulders or other places, but it’ll never replace the power of the individual and the human machine to build societies and civilizations.  As a member of a minority group — nudist Muslim’s — I accept the benefits of technology to build and destroy, for good and for evil.  But I put my faith in the flesh god made.  That and the button that I press to blow the bra and panties right off of my good wife in a split second.  Some tech is okay for personal-personal stuff.”

Old-style crude-oil free tech

Old-style crude-oil free tech

In other news WRAL reported Tuesday that armed burglars broke into a Tampa, Florida man’s home, held a gun on him and a knife to his throat and demanded his eggbeater.  Police caught the men outside the home and they are being held in Orient Road Jail. One suspect also faces a charge of aggravated assault. Police found the eggbeater in the man’s left pocket.  No word on why the man’s eggbeater technology was in such demand with the burglars, but experts say it doesn’t use oil to run and can be operated clothed or nude.  And I guess that’s something to think about.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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