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Teacher cuts Class for Prostitution, Dutch fear loss of Porn Archive, and Pam Anderson now living in Mobile Home

> Fourth-grade teacher had side job as prostitute
> Dutch city pornography archive missing
> Former ‘Baywatch’ star living in mobile home with new lover

Inebriated Press
February 16, 2009

090216-teacher-b-wAssociated Press reported last week that an Ohio fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class for trysts.  And Associated Press also reported last week that the Dutch city of Leeuwarden is missing its porn archive, and officials fear it may be gone for good.  Meanwhile, BANG Media reported that Pamela Anderson has moved into her electrician boyfriend’s trailer and is living there with her sons, Brandon and Dylan.  Pundits are debating why the public is confused about the sophisticated logic behind hooker-school-teachers, the porn collections of cities, and hot babes who prefer living in trailer-houses rather than multi-million dollar mansions.

“Some of the general public, who for reasons unknown, continue to cling to vestiges of common sense and aspects of old-school logic are surprised and confused when they hear that grade-school teachers are also hookers, and that most cities keep porn collections and that famous actresses would rather live in sleazy cracker-box-sized trailers than in massive plush mansions.  That kind of mental discord is one of the reasons the U.S. desperately needs nationalized healthcare,” said someone claiming to be Barack Obama, a community organizer who recently began reorganizing the community known as the United States of America by proposing a ‘stimulus package’ containing provisions that will fundamentally change the foundation of the country and provide him the freedom to reinterpret the U.S. constitution through the use of Executive Orders.  “Teachers shouldn’t have to hook on the side to make ends meet, but they also shouldn’t have to give sex away to their students for free.  Part of my new healthcare/education package will provide teachers with more income if they teach and have sex with kids at school.  And in the future most American’s will be living in trailer houses because they require less resources and the folks will have more money to spend on taxes.  And as far as porn achieves are concerned, they’re as historic as the U.S. Constitution and every city should have a collection they keep around just to look at from time to time.”

090216-archives-b-wNot everyone agrees with the guy claiming to be Obama, or that it was Obama who said those things.  “Even someone who’s busily converting the U.S. into a socialist society isn’t going to support student-teacher sex or the idea that everyone, even bureaucrats will be living in mobile homes.  I can see him backing the porn achieves, but that’s an artsy kind of thing,” said Mary Chrismas-Party, a professional weight-lifter and new age philosopher, whose missives on utopia through dictatorship is required reading in the Obama Administration.  “It’s true that most of the common masses will probably live in mobile homes in the future, but the aristocratic socialist Democrats will still have mansions, porn collections and occasionally have sex with a teacher who skips out on class.  But that’s merely progressive and shouldn’t be misunderstood as change for change itself.  Give Obama four years and you’ll begin to understand.  Give him eight and you won’t even be asking questions about this stuff.”

Amber Carter

Amber Carter

Associated Press reported that authorities say an Ohio fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class after using a school computer to arrange an afternoon tryst at a motel. Logan County sheriff’s officials say 35-year-old Amber Carter was arrested Tuesday at a motel parking lot in Bellefontaine in central Ohio. She’s charged with misdemeanor prostitution and a felony, and unauthorized use of property, regarding the computer. Bellefontaine City Schools Superintendent Larry Anderson says officials are shocked. He says Carter never received a reprimand in 13 years at the district. She’s now on administrative leave.

Dutch Playboy

Dutch Playboy

Associated Press reported that the municipal pornography archive in the Dutch city of Leeuwarden is missing and officials fear it may be gone for good. Spokesman Erik Krikke of the city’s historical center said the archive – which contained photos, drawings and erotic texts with a connection to the city – may have been taken home “accidentally” by an employee or visitor. Krikke said the bulk of the archive had been assembled by a “fanatic” curator at the historical center, mostly during the 1960s and ’70s. Items such as pictures by local photographers and artists would be difficult or impossible to replace.

The collection included a copy of the rare February 1998 edition of Dutch Playboy, Krikke said. It featured girls from each of 11 Dutch cities along the route of the country’s most beloved ice skating race, the Elfstedentocht. One of those girls was from Leeuwarden. Asked whether he thought it was unusual for the town to have a pornography collection, Krikke said “yes” – and that made the loss greater.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson

BANG Media reported that former ‘Baywatch’ star Pamela Anderson, is reportedly living in a mobile home with new lover Jamie Padgett, who is a surfer and electrician, in Malibu. A source said: “Pam and the kids joined Jamie and his sons – who are around Brandon and Dylan’s age – on his boat in Paradise Cove at the weekend. They spent most of the time on the beach with their kids. They are really happy together. Pam is staying with him in the Paradise Cove trailer park while her house is renovated.” Pamela is said to have fallen “head over heels” with Jamie because of his clean living ways – in stark contrast to Pamela’s ex-husbands: Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee, who is also the father of her children, rapper Kid Rock and professional poker player and pornographer Rick Salomon.

Some experts say that common people with “clean living ways” have accidentally done some good historically, though they aren’t sure why.

Living large with Pam

Living large with Pam

“If you look back at history it’s rather amusing to discover that guys and gals who lived lives based on Judeo-Christian values, exhibited fairness and lived by the ‘Golden Rule,’ often created stable families and societies and ended up building great civilizations that resulted in more individual freedom and economic success than societies based on socialism, dictatorship or totalitarianism,” said Chester Fester-Acorn, a social activist who believes random ethics are the most natural and enduring and should be the basis of all governments.  “It’s amazing how such accidents could have occurred like those, when everyone knows that central planning conducted by the political elite is the only way to run a social system or country.  In a few years the U.S. will get a taste of that utopia when the government tells everyone what to do and how to do it.  People misunderstood Orwell’s book ‘1984’ and thought it was a warning to free people.  The reality is, it’s a manual for the Obama administration.  But Obama and his people will make it work.  They’re smarter than every socialist group that tried central control before.  That’s why it’ll work this time even though it never has.  And as for the successful American experiment of private enterprise and individual freedom?  Well, like all old ideas it had to go the way of lost porn collections.  Some feel wistful about its loss, but it’s no big deal really. Having the will of the powerful imposed on the individual is as natural as Darwinism.  Why fight it?”

We're here to help

We're here to help

In other news UPI reported last week that Swedish police said they broke down the door of a hostel after hearing what seemed to be a woman’s screams, only to discover an opera singer was practicing. “They thought somebody in there was in distress and made a decision to raid the premises,” police spokesman Peder Jonsson said. However, when the police broke down the door and entered the building, they discovered that the high-pitched sound had been a female member of a South African choir practicing for an upcoming performance at the Norrlandsoperan opera house. No word on whether the choir felt safer knowing that cops are free to break into homes whenever they feel like it, but in the years ahead we’ll probably all get used to the idea.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Article sources:

Ohio Teacher Cut Class For Prostitution
http://www.wbbm780.com/Ohio-Teacher-Cut-Class-For-Prostitution/3833235

Dutch city fears loss of pornography archive
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/EU_ODD_NETHERLANDS_PURLOINED_PORN?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2009-02-12-12-28-57

Pamela Anderson living in trailer
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/35/20090212/ten-pamela-anderson-living-in-trailer-764dee7.html

Police mistake singing for screams
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/02/11/Police_mistake_singing_for_screams/UPI-39601234379917/

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Obama Spins Gun Vote, Pistol Declared Medical Device, and Inflatable Breasts are Lost at Sea

> Barack Obama says gun-owning Americans have nothing to fear from his voting record
> New 9mm weapon certified as a Class I Medical Device by FDA
> Container with 130,000 inflatable breasts lost in Pacific

Inebriated Press
December 10, 2008

Silly gun toting American

Silly gun toting American

The Chicago Sun-Times reported that gun sales are shooting up around the country, and President-elect Barack Obama said Sunday that gun-owning Americans do not need to rush out and stock up before he is sworn in next month. Obama has voted for Draconian legislation against guns, and following his November election as U.S. president, gun sales in his home state of Illinois jumped 38%.  UK’s Sky News reported that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved a new single-shot 9mm weapon called “The Palm Pistol” as a Class I Medical Device according to its maker, Constitution Arms. They say it’s ideal for use by the elderly and disabled.  Meanwhile, the U.K. Metro reported that 130,000 inflatable breasts went missing on the high seas while on route to Sydney, Australia, from Beijing.  Inebriated reporters are breaking out the eggnog and old movies as they contemplate guns and breasts, the way some people do sex and violence.

Sam Spade

Sam Spade

“I’ve always liked bombs and boobs in the movies and sometimes in real life, usually not at the same time — although it can get really interesting,” said Sam Spade, a hard ass movie detective, often found drinking bourbon, squeezing dames and cleaning a Webley-Fosbery .45. “I don’t trust anybody who votes for the most stringent forms of gun control, the most Draconian legislation, gun bans, ammunition bans and even an increase in federal excise taxes up to 500 percent for every gun and firearm sold, and then claims he believes in the second amendment.  Any guy who talks like that is parsing his words and redefining what he means as he goes.  I’ve met some of those sort of guys and had to slap them around.  They took it and liked it.  I’m not sure today’s America has the stomach for that kind of thing.  If the trend to the left keeps up, I’m not sure what America will have the stomach for.  Sad thing is it’ll mean tough hard ass American’s will be taking and liking it from assholes, tramps and terrorists.  If I wasn’t an imaginary character I’d come back and slap you in the face and try to wake you up myself.”

Not everyone agrees with Spade.  “The important thing is not that there are restrictive laws and reduced amounts of freedom coming to America, the important thing to remember is that when law-abiding citizens turn in their guns and ammo and focus only on inflatable breasts that are lost at sea, they’ll be all the better for it,” said a drunken hoot owl, who wandered into this story from another dimension outside of time and space.  “Polls show that Obama’s approval rating is higher than any first time president-elect.  And there are only a handful of conservative, freedom and personal responsibility cranks, who have a problem with the man.  When the Obama minions are leveraging politicians, company leaders and others who get in the way of Obamamania using the time-honored leftist tactics of intimidation and coercion; we’ll shove the nay-sayers to the side and get to making real progress.  Goofy gun owners think the original Constitution and Bill of Rights mean something in this day and age.  They’re out of touch with reality.  It’s about change baby.  America voted for change.  It’s a comin.”

The Palm Pistol

The Palm Pistol

The Chicago Sun-Times reported that as gun sales shoot up around the country, President-elect Barack Obama said Sunday that gun-owning Americans do not need to rush out and stock up before he is sworn in next month. “I believe in common-sense gun safety laws, and I believe in the second amendment,” Obama said at a news conference. “Lawful gun owners have nothing to fear. I said that throughout the campaign. I haven’t indicated anything different during the transition. I think people can take me at my word.”  But National Rifle Association spokesman Andrew Arulanandam said it’s not Obama’s words — but his legislative track record — that has gun-buyers flocking to the stores.

“Prior to his campaign for president, his record as a state legislator and as a U.S. Senator shows he voted for the most stringent forms of gun control, the most Draconian legislation, gun bans, ammunition bans and even an increase in federal excise taxes up to 500 percent for every gun and firearm sold,” Arulanandam said. Obama answered “yes” in 1996 to a questionnaire from an Illinois group on whether he supported a handgun ban. Nationally, background checks for gun purchases jumped nearly 49 percent during the week Obama was elected. Anecdotally, gun dealers around the country have reported spikes in sales. The Illinois State Rifle Association Reports gun sales for November were 38 percent higher than last year.

Palm Pistol with Dimensions’

Palm Pistol with Dimensions’

Sky News reported that a small arms manufacturer in the US is taking deposits for a gun specially designed for elderly and disabled people, who may be able to get it on prescription. The Palm Pistol is the world’s first ergonomic firearm, according to Constitution Arms. The single-shot 9mm weapon is grasped in the palm of the hand, with the barrel pointing out between the fingers. Instead of pulling a trigger to fire the gun, users press their thumb on a button at the top. “Point and shoot couldn’t be easier,” the New Jersey-based company claims on its website. And it goes on to say: “It is ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have dexterity limitations or difficulty sighting and controlling a traditional revolver or semi-automatic pistol.” The Palm Pistol has been certified as a Class I Medical Device by the US Food and Drug Administration, Constitution Arms said. That means doctors could prescribe it to certain people, such as those who have had fingers amputated. The Palm Pistol will cost around $300 when it goes on sale.

Inflatable ego ... er boobs

Inflatable ego ... er boobs

The Metro reported that a magazine has asked beachcombers to keep a sharp eye out for inflatable breasts after 130,000 went missing en route to Sydney. Men’s magazine Ralph had intended to distribute the toys free with its January issue. It said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine’s editor Santi Pintado asked anyone with information on the current whereabouts of its freebie to get in touch. He said: “Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are. If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.”

Some people say that inflated egos have rougher edges than inflatable breasts, and are prone to rub people the wrong way.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson

“Anybody who continues to talk as though they can reinterpret things they’ve done and said with impunity, has an ego so big that it needs to be punctured and brought down to earth — or left to float out to sea,” said someone claiming to be Pamela Anderson, a blonde with a buoyant personality and a chest to match.  “What I mean is a person who constantly redefines who they are and what they mean will stop being believed and pretty soon their listeners will get pissed off and turn against them.  I kept upsizing my boobs and kept getting more and more popular with the guys and my TV show audiences, but they kept getting in my way when I bowled, so I downsized them.  My popularity went down with them. So I upsized again and so did my popularity.  What I’m saying is that if you do it right the first time and stick with it, you’ll avoid a lot of discomfort and surgical procedure. Changing back and forth a lot — whether it’s your belief system or your jugs — is uncomfortable and dangerous.  You risk infection in your mammaries and popularity.  That’s just the way it is, and no doctor prescribed 9mm can change it.”

Poking Box or High Tech Finger Pulling Joke?

Poking Box or High Tech Finger Pulling Joke?

In other news, a new Japanese toy lets you poke the inside of a box for endless fun.  Wired Gadgets reported last week that Bandai’s Tuttiki Bako (literally, ‘the poking box’) features a type of touch interface where you can ‘tease and harass the digital characters’ on-screen with your own finger.  According to the manufacturer, the box gives off a realistic sensation each time you touch a character, and you can see your own finger in the shadow-hand-style display. Apparently, this wonderful sounding feat is accomplished through motion sensors embedded inside the box. No word on what happens if other stuff is caught poking around in there or whether it’s FDA approved for the disabled and elderly, but word out of president-elect headquarters is that it’s getting a 500% tax when it comes to the U.S. in order to insure your safety.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Suzanna Gratia-Hupp: What the Second Amendment is REALLY For
[Video at Google]

 

 

 

 

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