Tag Archives: parody and scarcasm

Obama upbeat on Change in Iran, “Missing” Man took Break from Wife, and Girl’s body Dug Up to be “Corpse Bride”

> President Obama concerned but upbeat on Iran
> Man reported missing says wife told him to “go away”
> Five men arrested for exhuming corpse to be “ghost bride”

Inebriated Press
June 18, 2009

Obama: things are looking up in Iran

Obama: things are looking up in Iran

MSNBC reported Tuesday that President Obama is concerned about the election in Iran but sees more “openness” in the country as some voters express dissent.  And The Oregonian reported Monday that a man reported missing by his wife last week was located Saturday. But he says he wasn’t missing — just following his wife’s wishes to go away. Meanwhile the Telegraph reported Monday that five people have been arrested in China for digging up the corpse of a young woman to be a “ghost bride” for a man killed in a car crash. Pundits debate the nature of hope and change as it’s reflected in Iranian dissent, husbands who go away, and the wedded bliss of dead brides.

Someone named Wendy

Someone named Wendy

“The nature of cultural change is one of incremental development, often in an evolutionary sense and occasionally with a predisposition to growth and improvement based on hope and initiative.  This is exemplified in Iran with the careful rioting of the people and the governments thoughtful reaction of shooting them, and shutting down cell phone and Internet communications,” said Wendy Wontyou-Maybee, a nurse and part-time intellectual who believes that multidimensional space is subdivided by cats, but isn’t sure how.  “The ethereal nature of the dead being married to the dead is a spiritual connection and it’s enhanced for the wedding attendees by the actual digging up of the bodies, the sweat, the smell and the general fooling around.  The wandering off of a husband told to go away is also a sort of spiritual response filled with subtle meaning.  Barack Obama senses and understands all these things in a deeper way than mere mortals and that’s why he can speak intellectual teleprompter knowledge that transcends our brain waves to the extent that some people even think he’s absurd and almost stupid.  Barry’s genius exists at levels above the common people.  And no woman will ever tell him to ‘go away,’ because he’s a real hunk.  I say that in a metaphysical sense and with great meaning and nuance.  Nuance is so cool.  Sometimes I like to sit naked in a field and imbibe the ethereal nuance that is life. It’s really great except for the chigger bites.”

Someone named Ursula

Someone named Ursula

Not everyone agrees with Wontyou-Maybee. “This is some twisted shit, let me tell you.  There’s no ‘nature of hope and change’ to talk about here.  Obama and the five Chinese are off the rails, I don’t know about the husband who decided to ‘go away’.  There is lots of nasty stuff behind all three of these issues if we’re open and honest about it,” said Ursula Twice-Plaid, a scuba-diving instructor and part-time post master who values silicon and leather but likes individual freedom and personal responsibility even more.  “I don’t really get into judging other cultures and stuff, but digging up a dead woman to marry a dead guy is morose. The Chinese may have invented fireworks, but this dead marriage thing isn’t one of their highest achievements.  And the culture of Iran isn’t changing because there are some people pissed-off in that country.  They’re always pissed-off.  That’s why the Shah is gone and Islamofascists are running the damn country today.  I’m not saying there aren’t some people who want to change their government and make it more peaceful, but I am saying that some people complaining in a Middle Eastern country is hardly a sea change, let alone a reason for optimism.  I mean come on, think about it.”

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

MSNBC reported that President Barack Obama expressed “deep concerns” about the election in Iran and said the outpouring of political dissent signals more openness in that country. Republican Sen. John McCain urged more forceful condemnation of what he called a “flawed” election. Obama stopped short of saying the re-election of hard-liner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was rigged. “I do believe that something has happened in Iran,” with Iranians more willing to question the government’s “antagonistic postures” toward the world, Obama said. Obama has said nothing about the declared winner, Ahmadinejad, or the pro-change challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi whose supporters claim the election was stolen. After deadly protests in Tehran on Monday, with demonstrators holding signs that read, “Where Is My Vote,” the clerical regime organized a counter-rally Tuesday. Ahmadinejad traveled to Russia on Tuesday after delaying a trip for a day but did not mention the Iranian election or unrest. Instead, he focused on a traditional target, the United States. “America is enveloped in economic and political crises, and there is no hope for their resolution,” he said through an interpreter. “Allies of the United States are not capable of easing these crises.”

Not missing, just fishing

Not missing, just fishing

The Oregonian reported that a man reported missing by his wife last week was located Saturday. But he says he wasn’t missing — just following his wife’s wishes to go away. William Peterson told police he and his wife had an argument and she told him to get out. So, Peterson spent the week fishing and camping in Bend. His wife, Pam Peterson, said that the argument with her husband happened months ago, and that she forgot about telling her husband he could always leave. Apparently, her husband had not forgotten, she said. Peterson, 53, was reported to have left his home on June 6. Pam Peterson, told police her husband left on an overnight fishing trip without saying where he was going. He had done that before, but when he failed to appear at work she reported him missing.  Cornelius Police Cmdr. Ed Jensen said the search for Peterson involved the U.S. Forest Service, as well as law enforcement officers from Linn, Lane and Marion counties. He estimated that thousands of dollars were spent on the search.

Dying to become a bride?

Dying to become a bride?

The Telegraph reported that five people have been arrested in China for digging up the corpse of a young woman to be a “ghost bride” for a man killed in a car crash. The men were caught after unearthing the remains of a teenage girl who had poisoned herself after failing her university entrance exams last year, a newspaper in Xianyang in China’s Shaanxi province reported. In rural China, superstitious villagers have for centuries sought out the bodies of recently deceased women to be ghost brides for young men who die single. Marriage ceremonies are conducted for the two corpses, and the bride is placed in the same grave as her husband. Last year, a gang in southern China was arrested for strangling young women to sell as ghost brides when the supply of female corpses in their area ran short.

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

In other news, MSNBC reported Tuesday that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is defending her membership in an elite all-women’s club, telling senators the group doesn’t discriminate unfairly by gender even though men can’t belong to the club. She said the club “involves men” in many of its activities. No word on why a “wise Latina female” should be subject to such questioning when everyone knows that her very existence makes her more intelligent and more capable than most people, and white men in particular.  But perhaps some Americans are still struggling with the ethereal nature of “hope and change” based discrimination and haven’t adjusted to the finer points the new world Obama is making for us.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama troubled by Iran but sees change
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31390176/ns/world_news-mideastn_africa/

“Missing” Cornelius man was taking break from his wife
http://www.oregonlive.com/washingtoncounty/index.ssf/2009/06/missing_cornelius_man_was_taki.html

Teenage girl dug up to be ‘corpse bride’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5541242/Teenage-girl-dug-up-to-be-corpse-bride.html

Sotomayor defends women’s club membership
Judges’ code forbids joining groups that discriminate by sex, race, and religion
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31390593/ns/politics-white_house/

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Japanese Girls like Tough Guys, Florida’s New Underwear Law, and Media’s View of Obama as God

> Women in Japan crazy about Shogun Warlords: “picture-perfect masculinity”
> City in Florida passes new law requiring underwear
> Newsweek Editor on Obama: “He’s sort of God”

Inebriated Press
June 16, 2009

Busted

Busted

The Mainichi Daily News reported Saturday that young women are flocking to landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. There is a constant shortage of men’s “armor” underwear and 80 percent of the buyers are women.  And Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that the Brooksville City Council has passed new rules that require people to wear clothes that “fit properly” and the wearing of underwear.  Enforcement of the new rules is in question.  Meanwhile, The New Republic reported that longtime Newsweek editor Evan Thomas told MSNBC’s Chris Matthew’s that Barack Obama stands above the country, above the world, as a “sort of God”.  Pundits are debating the power of underwear and Obama’s godhood.

Someone named Andrea

Someone named Andrea

“Pardon me if I don’t believe that Obama is God or that underwear in any form is destined to give me power I don’t currently have.  I understand the idea that putting great faith into something or someone can cause change in that it alters our perspectives and influences our behavior, but power and godhood from panties or a community organizer is a bit of a stretch,” said Andrea Aloha-Alabaster, a pastry chef and sensuous Hawaiian without a birth certificate who plans to run for government office some day.  “Political power is given by the people to a leader in the same way states grant authority to the federal government.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.  The federal government should not impose its will upon the states, unless the states grant it that right.  And no president should impose their will, or act like a god, unless the citizens establish that power within the presidency — and they have not.  Obama is no god, and my underwear, although silky and comfortable when I wear them, grants me no greater power than I carry already as an American citizen and an intelligent and cogent human being.  I am as I should be, let government and elected leaders be as they should be.  Now enough of the bullshit.”

Power underwear

Power underwear

Not everyone sees it the way Aloha-Alabaster does.  “When I have on my red underwear and garters with black stockings I wield power over men that I don’t have if I just wear my pink panties with the days-of-the-week on them.  There’s no question in my mind that the right underwear gives me power well beyond that of a typical person on a Tuesday.  And Barack Obama is way more than an organizer; he clearly is a god, maybe THEE god, because no typical organizer without government or business experience could have been elected president of the United States.  He must be god — or a demon — I’m pretty sure he’s the god thing,” said Cassy Sassy-Leather, a pole polisher down at the Hot Lace and Cool Leather Lounge.  “And power simply accrues to those who wield it indiscriminately unless they’re restricted.  No one is restricting Barack, so he’s on his way to ruling as god on earth.  And the federal government is absorbing states rights and assuming their power.  It’s no big deal; it’s just the way things work if no one stops it.  See this black bra and these red satin panties?  Watch me walk past those guys over there.  They’d kiss my ass and worship me if I asked them.  I’m like a god with these on in here.  Only Obama can get his ass kissed more than I can, but then he actually is god so you have to expect that.”

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

The Mainichi Daily News reported that young women are flocking to significant landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. Sales of historical books are up, and there have been efforts to revive the publication of paperbacks on warlords. On weekends, Jidai Shobo, a bookstore specializing in historical books in Tokyo’s Chiyoda Ward, is packed with groups of young women. Stationery and mobile phone accessories with family crests of feudal lords line the shelves, with figurines of Sanada Yukimura, the most popular of the warlords, and others also for sale. “I like Kato Kiyomasa,” says customer Izumi Sekine, 34, of a warlord who served the shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu. “There’s an almost picture-perfect masculinity about him.”  More unorthodox products have seen a boost in sales as well. There is a constant shortage in stock of Sido brand underwear or men’s “armor” underwear, which cost a considerable 9,240 a pair. According to Tokyo-based manufacturer Rogin, about 80 percent of buyers are women. Researcher Tetsuaki Higashida from the Dentsu Communication Institute suggests that women are attracted to the masculinity of these warlords, compared to the more passive modern men that they know.

Can't work in this town girl

Can't work in this town girl

The St. Petersburg Times reported that if you want to work for the city of Brooksville, be sure that you use deodorant, that your clothes fit properly and that you cover up your wounds and tattoos. And, for goodness sake, wear underwear. If not, you could violate the city’s new dress code. The Brooksville City Council approved a dress and appearance policy by a count of 4-1 this month, with only Mayor Joe Bernardini casting the dissenting vote. He questioned how the code would be interpreted and enforced. “They said you had to wear undergarments,” Bernardini said, “but who’s going to be the judge of that? Sometimes when it comes to certain people going bra-less, it’s obvious. But who’s staring to see if that person doesn’t have underwear on?” City department heads and managers will be required to interpret and enforce the dress code.

"He's sort of God"

"He's sort of God"

The New Republic reported that Evan Thomas, a longtime editor at Newsweek, told Chris Matthews’s on MSNBC: “I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.” Such words would wreak havoc on any person’s ego, even Barack Obama’s. It also would enrage his enemies. After all, the president has told us that he is a mere student of history, and that he is. But history these days is no longer a discipline inclined to defend the truthfulness of its claims or the reasonableness of its arguments or the plausibility of its conclusions. More and more, history has become a competition between and among narratives, self-consciously disdainful of what we used to think of as fact. In this intellectual competition, the losers almost always win or, at least, they win the “moral argument.” Not in real history, mind you, but in many a Western professor’s classroom. And, sometimes, in an American president’s mind.

The truth is that Barack Obama has a penchant for narratives and yet an inclination to rise above them. Two grand but antithetical stories about the same problem, awaiting him and his Olympian skill for the discovery of “common ground”: That is Obama’s favorite script. He regards himself as a kind of unprecedented referee between histories and philosophies. He likes to think that he can see what others cannot see and that, therefore, they must come to him if they wish to live in peace and with meaning.

Obama: New GodIn addressing American intelligence and security professionals at the National Archives, the president aimed at bridging differences by showing that apparent contradictions are not contradictions at all and that everything will go together, if only for as long as he is speaking. National security that never compromises national values? No problem. National values that guarantee national security? Say it and it will be done. Yes, we have values that elevate and restrict us at once, the ideal of free men and women that procedurally protects also the guilty and the wicked–and never mind that, absent energetic domestic and international defenses, these principles would be outmaneuvered and outclassed on both fronts. And again at Notre Dame, the same above-it-all structure of rhetorical conciliation was applied by Obama to the subject of abortion. “Open hearts. Open minds. Fair-minded words.” Nice enough. But the debate on abortion will not be so tidily retired. All of this is rising above but not really reconciling anything. [Editors note: some people refer to Obama’s rhetorical approach as an exercise in “bullshit”; that’s a technical term]

Sex on the beachIn other news, Live Science reported on Friday that summer time sex is risky. With its warm nights, the summer season often brings out the best and the most adventurous feelings of love and lust. Why confine sex to the bedroom, or even the house, when there are beaches and pools and hot tubs to host our most private moments? A few reasons, as it turns out. Condom companies don’t test their products in such a condition, and therefore can’t vouch for their effectiveness when used in pools, hot tubs or other wet and wild setups. You might want to avoid water sex anyway, as improperly maintained pools, hot tubs and Jacuzzis can be breeding grounds for bacteria. And sand isn’t so good either.  According to researchers, 91 percent of the beaches they studied had detectable levels of enterococci (bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections, endocarditis, diverticulitis and meningitis), and 62 percent of them had traces of E. coli. No word on how masculinity-seeking Japanese women feel about summer sex but I’m sure that Obama’s national healthcare plan will have something to say on the subject.  And it’ll be right on target.  Because god always is.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

New wave of ‘history girls’ wooed by warlords’ masculinity
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/mdnnews/national/news/20090613p2a00m0na027000c.html

Brooksville’s new dress code requires deodorant, underwear
http://www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article1009923.ece

Narrative Dissonance
“I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.”
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=cd70b25d-12b5-4f6f-8fd3-4a965be569f3

The Risks of Summer Sex
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090612/sc_livescience/therisksofsummersex

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Million Dollar Mattress, Hummingbird Sex, and Obama’s TARP Illusion

> Family tosses mattress housing $1 million cash stash
> G-Force’s during Hummingbird Sex would make Fighter Pilots Pass Out
> Obama’s TARP czar has no idea if it’s working, or where the money’s gone

Inebriated Press
June 12, 2009

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

AFP reported Thursday that a woman threw out her mothers’ old mattress not knowing it was stuffed with one million dollars.  And New Scientist reported Wednesday that during courtship-flights male hummingbirds sustain g-forces during acceleration that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out.  Meanwhile, The Weekly Standard reported Tuesday that Obama’s TARP oversight chair doesn’t know if it’s working, and doesn’t know where the money is going.  Vice President Joe Biden adds that “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion.  Some people say all’s fair in speed-sex and political-handouts.

A Happy Woman

A Happy Woman

“If you’re going for high-speed sex you have to expect to pass out now and then, it’s just a physical reality.  And if you’re going to jam though government spending plans so fast that no one reads the documentation or sets up a system of checks and balances, then you’re going to waste most of it, that’s just a bureaucratic reality,” said Happy Lucki-Thimaster, a sex worker and political analyst who built her trade during the Bill Clinton administration. “There’s nothing surprising or unusual about any of this.  And if you’re going to throw out other peoples mattresses without checking with them first, you may be tossing out something more valuable than you think.  But what the heck, all’s fair in fast sex, government mismanagement of your tax dollars, and lost fortunes in old bedding.  Shit happens and lots of times it’s purely predictable.  I can’t help but fantasize about having speed sex on a million dollar mattress bought with TARP funds.  It would be a real rush.  Makes me tingly just thinking about it.  Does it feel warm in here to you?”

Someone named Tricia

Someone named Tricia

Not everyone sees it the way Lucki-Thimaster does.  “Humming birds aren’t having high-speed sex; they’re just flapping their wings really fast, that’s all.  And Obama has his fingers on the pulse of everything and knows exactly what he’s doing and where all our money is going.  He said he’d go through the TARP thing and the budget line-by-line personally, and would account for every penny.  Trust him, he’s not just flapping his lips really fast,” said Tricia Kum-Lately, a circus manager and silicon investor, who often does Dallas just because.  “I had a million dollar mattress once but I quit hooking because it was bothering my back.  Now I work with circus clowns.  It’s remarkable how similar they are to the Democrat Congress and Obama administration — and I mean that in a positive way.  They could run the country just as well.  It gives me confidence that democracy works because it doesn’t take any brains or special training to run the world’s biggest economy.  Joe Biden is proof of that.  I’m so proud of this country.  In fact I think it’s the first time in my life that I’m really proud of America.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle Obama.”

A surprising mattress

A surprising mattress

AFP reported that a stash of cash landed in the trash when a woman in Israel dumped her mother’s mattress not knowing it was stuffed with the equivalent of about one million dollars. Israeli media reported that the 40-year-old woman showed up at a garbage dump in a panic on Tuesday, looking for the valuable bedding. She had bought a new mattress for her mother and, wanting the gift to be a surprise, threw away the old one. She then found out the decades-old mattress contained her mother’s life savings. Workers are helping her search the garbage, but have found no sign of the cash so far.

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

New Scientist reported that male hummingbirds are breaking the speed record for love. During courtship flights, male Anna’s hummingbirds sustain accelerations that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out. Chris Clark, a biologist at the University of California at Berkeley, believes that the pressures of courtship push males to the limit of what is physically possible. Using high-speed video footage to study their flight, he has shown that, relative to their body size, male Anna’s hummingbirds are the fastest moving vertebrates. As they approach the ground, the hummingbirds spread their wings and tail, letting them pull them up into a skywards glide. At this stage, Clark calculated that their bodies undergo centripetal accelerations reaching 10 g – a force equivalent to 10 times the gravitational pull of Earth. Fighter jet pilots can pass out or temporarily lose their sight at accelerations above 7 g because their blood becomes unevenly distributed in their circulatory system.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

The Weekly Standard reported that Obama’s transparency czar is using $84 million to build a web site that won’t be usable until October, and may not be useful until four years from now. Obama’s stimulus oversight guru, Joe Biden, says “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion. And, when asked whether TARP is working, Prof. Elizabeth Warren— head of the Congressionally formed oversight committee for that particular trillion-dollar project—says: “We can’t disclose what isn’t known. We’ve disclosed as much as we can, we’ve addressed this in our various reports. The Secretary of the Treasury says there are some positive indicators and there some negative indicators still in the economy. And that’s the best we can do.”  Aren’t giant, cumbersome government programs fun, especially now that the Obama administration’s cult of competence is in charge and offering unprecedented transparency and accountability?  When asked if she had a clear sense of what the overall TARP plan was and whether she was capable of summarizing what it’s supposed to be doing, she said: “No. And neither is Treasury. Treasury has given us multiple contradictory explanations for what it’s trying to accomplish.”

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that the wind, a favorite power source of the green energy movement, seems to be dying down across the United States. And the cause, ironically, may be global warming – the very problem wind power seeks to address. The idea that winds may be slowing is still a speculative one, and scientists disagree whether that is happening. But a first-of-its-kind study suggests that average and peak wind speeds have been noticeably slowing since 1973, especially in the Midwest and the East. The study, which will be published in August in the peer-reviewed Journal of Geophysical Research, is preliminary, however, a couple of earlier studies also found wind reductions in Australia and Europe, offering more comfort that the U.S. findings are real. The new study “demonstrates, rather conclusively in my mind, that average and peak wind speeds have decreased over the U.S. in recent decades,” said Michael Mann, director of the Earth System Science Center at Penn State University.  No word on how the scientists feel about high-speed sex, million dollar mattresses or wasted TARP money, but you can bet they’re trying to harness the hot air pouring out of D.C. as a new energy source.  Or at least trying to get their piece of the federal budget so they can study it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Dumped mattress lands cash in trash in Israel
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hvRwWnDjIUF3gNuTPVjHc7OPjTag

Male hummingbirds break speed record for love
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17277-male-hummingbirds-break-speed-record-for-love.html

video — http://brightcove.newscientist.com/services/player/bcpid1873822884?bctid=25816667001

TARP Oversight Chair Says She Doesn’t Know Whether It’s Working
http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/06/tarp_oversight_chair_says_she.asp

US Stimulus Fraud could hit $50B
http://macedoniaonline.eu/content/view/7101/52/

Not so windy: Research suggests winds dying down
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SCI_DIMINISHING_WINDS?SITE=PAPIT&SECTION=NATIONAL&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

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101-year-old Smoker Still Smokes, Virginity Auction Winner Pulls out, and Man Accidentally Shoots own Genitals

> Smoked every Day for 94 Years: “You gotta have some vice”
> Winner of 22-year-old’s Virginity in Online Auction Pulls out: wife won’t let him finish
> Show-off stuffs gun in pants, blasts penis: embarrassed

Inebriated Press
June 2, 2009

Back on the market

Back on the market

Canada’s Edmonton Sun reported Sunday that a 101 year-old woman smokes after every meal and has smoked every day since 1914 — when she was 7 years old.  She says it’s a bad habit, but figures everyone has to have at least one.  And, the New York Post reported Saturday that the winner of 22-year-old Natalie Dylan’s virginity — for $3.8 million — has yet to meet her in the flesh because his wife won’t let him.  Meanwhile, Australia’s The Gaea News reported that a man blew his manhood apart trying to impress his friends by stuffing a loaded gun into his pants and pulling the trigger.  Pundits debate the nature of personal freedom and responsibility, while thoughts of cigarettes, guns and virginity spin around in their brains like out-of-control kites.

Someone named Abby

Someone named Abby

“It’s every person’s right to smoke if, when and where they want to; to sell our virginity to the highest bidder, and to blow our genitalia off just to impress our friends,” said Abby Longtree-Gunnsmoke, a free-loving smooth-talking elementary school teacher, currently contemplating liaisons with mature students and immature faculty.  “I smoke because I want to and it should be my right.  More people die in car accidents but we don’t ban automobiles.  We know the risks and can take them or not; nothing wrong with that. And the guy who won the girl’s virginity should have to pay up whether he takes delivery or not.  A deal is a deal. Without rule of law and enforcement of the same, we get lawlessness and the marketplace breaks down.  Don’t think we’re going to dodge the effects of the Obama administrations flouting rules of law; we’ll end up paying for that.  As far as guys shooting their dicks off — what the hell, they shoot their mouths off all the time.  Does it really matter that a few of the more arrogant ones blast off body parts.  It’s Darwin’s theory in action.  More power to them.”

Some kind of Candy

Some kind of Candy

Not everyone agrees with Longtree-Gunnsmoke.  “It’s important and for our own protection, that we not be allowed to smoke, to have weapons that can shoot through genitalia, to sell off our virginity in online auctions, or do anything a politician or bureaucrat says we shouldn’t do.  Politicians and bureaucrats know better than regular people, especially conservatives, about how to properly and safely live our lives and do what’s right in the eyes of the Politburo, I mean the experts who are in charge,” said Candy Apple-Gumm, a tasty treat and legend in her own mind.  “Freedom and personal responsibility are risky when left to individuals to decide.  We need leaders in Washington D.C. to tell us how to live and what we can and can’t do. They need to tell us which companies the government should run for our benefit, and how many trillions of future dollars should be spent now so we can enjoy the coming inflationary times.  Silly conservatives are getting all worked up over the grand but perfect visions that liberals have, and are able to lavish on them today through the Obama administration.  I’d talk more but I’m selling my virginity online for the fifth time.  I suppose I shouldn’t but some rules are meant to be broken and who’s to know if I’m really a virgin or not?  I’m a liberal so what I say is always right.  If you’re unsure about anything, anything at all, just ask me and I’ll tell you what it means and how you should live.  That kind of wisdom just comes naturally to me.  It’s true of all us liberals.  We simply know better.  It’s time you just accepted that.”

cigsThe Edmonton Sun reported that at 101-years-of-age Winnie Langley figures there’s no point in stopping smoking now. She’s managed to defy health worries and the standard limitations on the human form by living to 101 years old — while smoking every single day. “You gotta have some vice,” the English widow told Sun Media from her home in South London. “Some drink until it’s coming out of their ears … me, I smoke.” Spry Winnie, who struggles to figure out how to turn down the TV so she can better hear questions, has smoked more than 171,500 cigarettes during her long and remarkable life. She was just seven years old when she lit her first one in 1914 — days after the First World War began. She’s felt the pressure to quit, but says the habit has helped calm her nerves and get her through two world wars. “It’s just one after every meal,” she explains. Asked what she would tell those who see her as symbol that smoking is alright, the straight-talking grannie points out: “Don’t start — it’s just a bad habit.” While never inhaling, she counts herself lucky her habit has never caused her harm. “I put it to my lips, and it’s a waste of money.”

Do I hear $1 million? Do I hear $50? Let's restart the bidding.

Do I hear $1 million? Do I hear $50? Let's restart the bidding.

The New York Post reported that Natalie Dylan won’t be taking her golden chastity belt off anytime soon. The 22-year-old California virgin who auctioned off her virtue online for $3.8 million has yet to meet her winning bidder in the flesh – because his wife won’t let him. Natalie Dylan (not her real name) admitted the deal had fallen through. Last week, she got a phone call from the rogue Romeo, a 38-year-old Australian real-estate businessman, who said he had to back out. “I told him to go back into marriage therapy,” sniped Dylan. The Aussie cad then sheepishly asked for his $250,000 deposit back. Dylan said no hard feelings; it would be returned. Now Dylan, who launched the online campaign last fall through the Moonlite Bunny Ranch – a legal brothel in Carson City, Nev., owned by Dennis Hof – is back on the auction block.

Girls handle guns better than guys ... see ...

Girls handle guns better than guys ... see ...

The Gaea News reported that a German man blew his manhood apart while trying to impress his friends by stuffing a loaded gun into his trouser pocket and pulling the trigger, thinking the safety catch was on. Lukas Neuhardt, in a bid to score points with his friends, tucked the gun into his trouser pocket and pulled the trigger. The embarrassed 27-year-old apparently told ambulance officers that he had been shot at by a masked mugger during a robbery. But cops reportedly cast a shadow of doubt over his explanation after finding that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers untouched. “Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself,” said a police source. Neuhardt later had his genitals stitched by surgeons but has been left facing up to three years in prison for breaching Germany’s tough new anti-gun laws.

Sealed for your protection

Sealed for your protection

In other news, Australia’s Courier-Mail reported Saturday that private school girls are being ordered to wear bike pants under their clothes at social functions to reduce the risk of being sexually assaulted. Girls’ schools have issued the directive to students attending dances amid concerns that inappropriate touching by boys could lead to criminal charges. “Girls should not wear overly revealing clothing such as very short, tight shorts or skirts or strapless, strappy, backless or plunging tops or dresses,” the newsletter said. “Short skirts, dresses or shorts must only be worn over leggings or tights.” The strict dress code is being enforced at entry points to school dances. No word on why they don’t think the girls ever remove their clothing in the presences of boys on their own, but like bureaucrats and politicians most school officials simply know better.  Now behave yourself.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

‘It’s just a bad habit’
http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/world/2009/05/31/9629781-sun.html

‘DEFLOWER DEAL’ GUY PULLS OUT
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05302009/news/nationalnews/deflower_deal_guy_pulls_out_171718.htm

Man shoots own penis while tucking loaded gun!
http://blog.taragana.com/n/man-shoots-own-penis-while-tucking-loaded-gun-65842/

Bike pants dress code for school dances to ward off sex
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,25557345-952,00.html

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Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

> Family waits at Cemetery while Hearse Driver Buys Beer
> Study: “Pulling Out” nearly as Effective as Condoms
> Woman teacher writes book describing sexual encounters with ‘favorite’ students

Inebriated Press
June 1, 2009

Beer, the sirens song

Beer, the sirens song

United Press International (UPI) reported Wednesday that the hearse driver for a funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited.  And CBS News reported Thursday that a new study claims withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Wednesday that a British teacher has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students.  Pundits are debating the ethical risks and rewards of beer, condoms, and sex with children.

kareliya“There’s really nothing inherently wrong with teachers having sex with their students as long as the boys pull out soon enough and both the adult and child have been drinking heavily,” said some twisted bastard who will remain unnamed because she is likely to be nominated to the Supreme Court in the future.  “In a society where the random thoughts of a Hispanic woman trumps rule of law, white men and the U.S. Constitution, any freaking thing goes, and that’s how it should be.  Relative ethics, relative law, and sex with relatives and children are all fine.  There are no inherent rights or wrongs, it’s all up to whoever is in power to decide what’s good and bad, who’s happy or sad, who gives up most of their income and the slackers that it should be given to.  As far as the hearse driver who stopped for beer, let’s face it, it’s every person’s right to have beer. So what if the family waited in the cemetery wondering where the body of their loved one went.  The body was dead anyway so it didn’t care, and the family probably had nothing better to do than hang out.  If they’d been smart they’d have been someplace else slamming beer and having pullout sex.  Hope and change baby.  Let’s get with it.”

Someone named Lana

Someone named Lana

Not everyone agrees with the twisted bastard who discards morality and the Constitution, and will probably be on the Supreme Court defining both someday.  “Stopping off to buy beer when you should be delivering the body of a loved one to the family waiting at a cemetery is tasteless and rude — and I’m using kind words.  Go buy beer on your own time, after you’ve done your job.  And the idea that ethics are so relative and random that it’s okay for teachers to have sex with students and write books about it; or to promote the idea that not using condoms is no more risky than using them, is stupid, in addition to being wrong,” said Lana Ethical-Abbs, an account executive whose body and ethics are both lean, strong and attractive to many.  “Fire and then prosecute the teacher for illegal sexual contact with minors, fire the hearse driver and apologize to that poor family, then cut in-half the fee the mortuary was charging them; and then ignore the ridiculous ‘no-condoms are just as good as condoms’ study.  We need common sense and proper application of law, safe sex and beer acquisition.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.  But then, Obama just nominated a person to the Supreme Court who disagrees with the very Constitution she’ll be sworn to defend and correctly interpret, so I guess common sense isn’t in vogue anymore.  Liberal empathy is supposed to rule today.  Trouble is it’s funded by conservative taxpayer dollars and the erosion of both the rule of law and economic sustainability.  In the end it amounts to nothingness, the foundation is gone; it’s like ‘building ones house upon the sand’.  A family, society or a country can’t stay strong very long that way.”

HearseUPI reported that the hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said. The Latin American Herald Tribune reported Wednesday that relatives and friends of Tito Vasquez waited for several hours Sunday at the Campos de Cristo cemetery for the hearse to arrive so that they could bury their loved one. Vasquez’s family said they could not understand why his body was not being delivered for the funeral. Police said Vasquez’s body was eventually found in the hearse in the parking lot of a motel in Bogota’s San Bernardo neighborhood.

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

CBS News reported that most sexually active people don’t think that the pullout method is a very effective form of contraception, but according to a new study withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is more than just “better than nothing,” and is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms. The study, titled “Better than nothing or savvy risk reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal,” appears in the June edition of the journal Contraception. The authors found: “If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively.”

Teacher and "favorite"

Teacher and "favorite"

Fox News reported that a British teacher reportedly has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students. The fictional work “Stop! Don’t Read This” focuses on five of Leonora Rustamova’s “favorite” students at Calder High School and addresses the 39-year-old’s growing struggle to view her students as “kids.” She also writes about her tendency to flirt with students and allow them to flirt with and fantasize about her, according to the Daily Telegraph. In addition, the expletive-filled book featured stories of students drinking, skipping school and possibly using drugs. It also named other faculty members, including the school’s headmaster Stephen Ball, the Daily Telegraph reported. When she was suspended in January over the book’s release, more than 250 students and parents demonstrated in support of Rustamova, saying she was only try to encourage the students to read, the Telegraph reported. The school announced on Wednesday that she had been terminated following a disciplinary hearing into her conduct.

Some people say the teacher was simply using the same approach as Playboy’s Hugh Hefner because just at most men buy his porn magazine for the articles, most students are more interested in literature than sex.  A few others are just interested in silly old-fashioned writing and pre-Obama ideals.

Boring traditional American guy

Boring traditional American guy

“Give me a dusty old copy of Shakespeare over a glossy new Maxim any day, I’m way more into cryptic hard-to-read classic bullshit than some hot easy-to-see-through babe busting out of her clothes all over the place,” said some guy busting out of his clothes all over the place and probably lying like hell.  “Today’s ‘new’ trends like teacher-student sex, leaving people rot while you buy beer, and pullout contraception, are pathetic jokes.  Give me a gal with old-fashioned common sense, an in-shape body that will sustain her health in the long run, some old-school Trojans for that ‘just-in-case’ moment, and a couple Jack Daniels on-the-rocks after work.  That may sound boring as hell to some anti-Constitutional relativist who’d rather bang some school children, but my way built America and sustains it today.  It’ll continue sustaining it if the voters will pull their heads out of their asses long enough to elect some leaders who believe in limited government, lower taxes and a free market economy.  It’s time to get our shit together and get back to boring old traditional-American values.  The pretty boy in the White House isn’t doing us any favors.  Believe me.”

no-parkingIn other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that Tarpon Springs police blame a local developer for installing fake “no parking” signs around a popular city restaurant that resulted in 233 tickets being written in a two-year span. At the same time, acting police Chief Robert Kochen acknowledged his department’s failure to properly handle the matter. In a 23-page report released this week, Kochen said developer Mike Bronson admitted recently to installing the signs along the city’s right of way after initially denying it. The report says criminal charges against Bronson would not be feasible at this time, but makes no mention of other possible penalties. Kochen said:” The Police Department’s patrol officers were doing their job and they had no reason (at the time) to believe any of these signs may have been unauthorized by the city.”  No word on how the police feel about hearse drivers buying beer instead of delivering bodies, or underage teacher-student sex, but since they were faked out by pretend no-parking signs it’s a good bet that they’re probably also faked out by the “benefits” of no-condom contraception.  But I could be wrong.  It seems that after two-years and a 23-page report they eventually figure shit out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hearse driver stops for beer
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/05/27/Hearse-driver-stops-for-beer/UPI-85171243471695/

“Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, Study Says
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/28/health/main5045514.shtml

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

Report: British Teacher Fired for Writing Racy Novel About Her ‘Favorite’ Students
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,522407,00.html

Teacher sacked over racy novel that named students
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/5393597/Teacher-sacked-over-racy-novel-that-named-students.html

Fake ‘no parking’ signs fool Tarpon Springs police, who write 233 tickets near Tarpon Turtle restaurant
http://www.tampabay.com/news/localgovernment/article1005017.ece

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Virgin may Buy Playboy, Jeans Cause Tingling Thighs, and India Killed all the Dinosaurs

> Playboy loses millions, Virgin reportedly buyer
> Skinny jeans causing “tingling thighs syndrome”
> India’s volcanoes made Dinosaurs extinct

Inebriated Press
May 28, 2009

PEOPLE ALBAThe UK Daily Mail reported Sunday that Playboy has lost millions of dollars and Hugh Hefner is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. And, MyFox National reported Tuesday that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people — because they’re wearing skinny jeans.  Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor reported Saturday that the dinosaurs didn’t become extinct until 300,000 years after an asteroid slammed into Mexico, so the new theory is that volcanic eruptions in India wiped them out. Pundits are debating what gives them tingles: tight jeans, Playboy or dinosaur extinction theories.

Someone named Mandy

Someone named Mandy

“I admit enjoying dinosaur theories, and the tingling and numbness in my thighs from my skinny jeans were kind of interesting, but a guy I met after I did a Playboy spread actually gave me the best tingles overall,” said Mandy Maebee-Mitebee, a model and part-time Internet sensation best known for her rice pudding recipes. “I don’t know if Virgin will buy Playboy or whether everyone will give up skinny jeans because they’re losing feeling in their legs, but lay out whatever theory you want, the dinosaurs are all gone.  And if the Republicans don’t get their shit together they’ll be extinct too and so will traditional America. I might be loose with my morals and tight with my jeans, but I’m fiscally conservative and have had enough of Obama after his 100 days.  We’ve got to stop these trillion dollar spending programs and fast.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Maebee-Mitebee.  “I wear the jeans I want and no one needs to tell me if I’m comfortable.  The dinosaurs are gone, okay, whatever.  Virgin running Playboy?  Isn’t that counterintuitive, or something … I mean virgins, really,” asked Lucy Laiz-Nowon, a particle physicist and postal recipient who likes catalogues.  “Obama has things in hand and all we have to do is our jobs, let him and the Dem’s run things and watch the world go happily around.  Finally someone who looks nice, sounds nice, and runs the country as though he knows what he’s doing.  Maybe he does, maybe not, but I like him and that’s all that matters.  My IQ may be 200 but that doesn’t mean I’m anal.  There are some things I just don’t give a shit about and government is one of them.  Why bother?”

Hugh Hefner and friends

Hugh Hefner and friends

The Daily Mail reported that Hugh Hefner could soon be parting ways with the soft-porn empire he founded more than 56 years ago. The 83-year-old is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. Although the magazine was read by a quarter of all university students in its heyday in the 1970s, its circulation has taken a battering from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Earlier this month, Playboy announced it had made losses of £8.6million for the first three months of this year, compared to a £2.6million loss for the corresponding period in 2008. The company is said to have been furiously cutting costs and has reportedly sacked 25 per cent of its staff. Virgin Media’s name has been raised as a potential buyer by speculators, but no official interest in the acquisition has been confirmed.

Skinny jeans

Skinny jeans

MyFox National reported it turns out that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people. The onslaught on skinny jeans on the market has caused some younger people to suffer from the symptoms of this condition. MSNBC.com writes that experts have seen a rise in the condition among young women. One woman describes a tingly sensation running up and down her thighs while wearing tight jeans. According to the Mayo Clinic Web site, meralgia paresthetica is a condition characterized by tingling, numbness and burning pain in the outer part of your thigh. Lucky in most cases the condition can be relieved by conservative measures, such as wearing looser clothing. Salon.com says the condition may not be affecting very many people. “Numbers are hard to come by, but I think it’s safe to say we could be talking about handfuls of young women,” writes Kate Harding.

DinosaursThe Christian Science Monitor reported that for about 30 years, people have believed that dinosaurs were rendered extinct after a six-mile-wide asteroid slammed into what’s now the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico some sixty-five million years ago. But the April 27 issue of Journal of the Geological Society claims that mass extinctions didn’t occur until perhaps 300,000 years after the asteroid impact. Another study, reported in the journal Paleontologia Electronica, finds evidence that pockets of dinosaurs might have lived on after the asteroid strike. Princeton geoscientist Gerta Keller believes volcanic eruptions in India were responsible for extinctions. Critics — the majority of scientists in the field — remain unconvinced.

Ready for nursing, er

Ready for nursing, er

In other news, Australia’s WA Today reported Monday that an understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who signed with the small private clinic for three years could choose their free plastic surgery. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6,000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data. No word on how Prague clinics feel about dinosaur extinction theory or if any of the nurses suffer from tingling thighs, but with their silicone bonuses they may be appearing soon in a new Czech Nurse Playboy spread on a Virgin cell phone near you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Playboy for sale after making a loss of millions – and Virgin is tipped as a potential buyer
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1187066/Playboy-sale-making-loss-millions–Virgin-tipped-potential-buyer.html

Jeans May Cause Tingling Thigh Syndrome
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/consumers/dpgo_Tingling_Thigh_Syndrome_fc_20090526_2513909

New dinosaur-extinction theories pop the big rock
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1588538,CST-NWS-dino24.article

Czech clinic lures nurses with free boob jobs, tummy tucks
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/czech-clinic-lures-nurses-with-free-boob-jobs-tummy-tucks-20090525-bkmb.html

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Q & A with Bob & Joan: Can Something Be Done About the National Debt and Does Anyone Really Care?

The “Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
May 27, 2009
 
Q.
 
Bob,
 
Some of you conservatives are whining about Obama’s trillions in new spending and the massive deficit being created, as though it should actually matter to Americans.  Well no one cares about the deficit or the risk of hyper inflation, and even if you say you do, it doesn’t matter because you’re irrelevant. There’s nothing that an individual can do.  It’s a practical impossibility.
 
You should just shut up and enjoy the ride like everyone else.  What do you think you’re accomplishing by telling other people you care about it?  You’re wasting your time you dumb ass.
 
Hugs and kisses,
 
Joan
 
A.
 
My Dearest Joan,
 
Your warm and thoughtful words regarding my time management and the concern I have about America’s debt and the risk of future economic collapse, touches me deeply, and your statement telling me to shut-up because I’m irrelevant, is both kind and loving encouragement.  How I long to set aside petty questions and gently caress your back, neck and shoulders, easing your present tensions, and then softly kiss the bridge of your nose as only I can.  But alas, such is not my mandate.  I must address your misunderstanding about the level of concern among Americans, and most importantly, the power of the individual.
 
Most Americans are worried about the national debt and many are concerned that President Obama is fiscally irresponsible.  In a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll, nearly nine in ten Americans (87 percent) said they were either “very” (59 percent) or “somewhat” (27 percent) concerned about the size of the federal budget deficit.  While many Americans like President Obama personally, they don’t like many of his policies and are worried about his spending and the risky national debt.  Whether elected officials will respond to these concerns or be voted out of office remains to be seen, but more and more citizens are telling them exactly how they feel, and have even begun public protesting – as displayed on April 15th in “tax day rally’s” against the “tax and spending” of both major Parties.  Public pressure will continue to grow as we near the elections in the fall of 2010.  The liberal Democrats controlling Congress and the White House are proving they are who the conservatives said they were.  And American voters are paying attention and have begun reacting against them.  All is not lost on the fiscal front.  Momentum is changing.

Now, about your belief that the individual is irrelevant and that effort by one person — such as myself — to make change is a practical impossibility.  The United States of America was founded on the inalienable rights of the individual.  Rights that the nation’s founders believed were endowed upon individuals by their Creator, and among those rights were the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Initially those words and others in the U.S Constitution and Bill of Rights were conceptual constructs.  Until individuals — farmers, millers, merchants and others – irrelevant people mostly, took up arms and made theory a reality.  Many believed it was impossible for irrelevant rabble to defeat the British Empire, yet the fools did it.  And it was a pipe dream as well as a practical impossibility that any nation would actually try to put men on the moon, yet silly irrelevant Americans – many of them toiling in obscurity – accomplished the mission, and placed a number of their own citizens there.   During World War II, individuals from all around America rolled into Paris freeing it from the Nazi’s.  Individual men and women crossed America, carving out life and civilization in the fields, plains and mountains — building cities, towns, states.  They fought disease, floods, drought, and countless challenges.  They built a new nation – based on the rights of the individual.  And what of the individual and American invention?  How about Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Morse, George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers, Bill Gates, and others.  Much more could be written about what common irrelevant Americans have accomplished. 

The irrelevant founded America.  They are its life-blood.  The individual is the heart of America’s constitution.  Protecting those rights and freedoms is important to us.  The impossible is what America is as a nation.  And the impossible has been accomplished from time to time by Americans, often to the surprise and disbelief of other nations.  The freedom, power and rights of the individual are why many Americans are Americans.  The fatalistic belief that the individual is irrelevant is why some American’s gave up being Europeans and left for the ‘New World’.  I and other American’s aren’t inclined to become Europeans today – even though there are some of us who want to become Western European Socialists.  The American electorate has lost its way before and found its way back.  We elected Jimmy Carter and then Ronald Reagan.  We can do it again.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I’m here to tell you that the battle for traditional “common sense” America is not over.  “Irrelevant individuals” still believe that they can make a difference — as they have for generations.  And as long as traditional Americans continue to believe that by their actions they will have an impact, they will in fact have an impact.  The 87% who said they were concerned about the national debt, can change the direction of this country.  Those individuals are not really irrelevant.  I am among them.

I hope this finds you cool where you want to be and warm where you need to be.

With the sweetest of wishes and most tender feelings toward you oozing from my core like moisture on my muscular pec’s in the heat of a summer night, I remain most affectionately yours,

Bob

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New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2009

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East.  And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free.  Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory.  Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free. 

Someone named Yvonne

Someone named Yvonne

“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will.  It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by.  So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it.  Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region.  People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out.  Want some companionship?  I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”

Someone named Anna

Someone named Anna

Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex.  “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably.  I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense.  “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius.  It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible.  It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works.  Hitler did it, so did Stalin.  Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter.  Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun.  I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”

"I have a dream ..."

"I have a dream ..."

Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.

Hot deals on companionship

Hot deals on companionship

The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.

New gas-price supply-demand chart

New gas-price supply-demand chart

WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”

“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors.  No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090520/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_missile_test_8

Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/orl-bk-leesburg-prostitution-051909,0,3190779.story

The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump
http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=130417&catid=40

 Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says
http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/article1002509.ece

Comments Off on New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

Filed under Humor, IP News

Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week

> Berkeley Study says Global Warming may Result in Cooling
> Nervous Police Taser Large Toy Cat
> Chapman University Preps for Spring Undie Run

Inebriated Press
May 21, 2009

Finals week at Chapman

Finals week at Chapman

Science Daily reported Tuesday that a new study by University of California, Berkeley says global warming may include periods of cooling, but researchers are pretty sure that the cooling doesn’t actually result in cooling, but is actually warming.  And United Press International (UPI) reported Monday that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose, ended up Tasering a large toy cat apparently hiding in a cement drainpipe.  Meanwhile, the Orange County Register reported Monday that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking semi-nude in the city’s 71-year-old fountain during finals week, will allow them to run semi-nude around campus every Wednesday night.  Inebriated reporters romping around semi-nude and contemplating the counterintuitive nature of Obama’s plan to cut the national debt by quadrupling it, and how cold results in heat, and how toys are basically real, have decided that heavy drinking is the best way to avoid getting drunk.

Someone named Alicia

Someone named Alicia

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances by ignoring the new realities and pretending that economics, nature and the first law of thermodynamics still act like they used to.  They all behave the opposite of what they did in the past, and need to be treated accordingly,” said Alicia Redd-Lace, a biped and Inebriated Press theoretician, occasionally at the same time.  “I’m going to start spending a lot more money so that my savings increase, and I’ll probably drink a couple of liters of Jack Daniels every day just to make sure that I’m always sober.  It feels a bit chilly in here right now, so I’m taking off all of my clothes.  I know it won’t make you uncomfortable, because it may have last year, but it’ll be the opposite now.”

Someone named Mary

Someone named Mary

Not everyone is so sure that cold is hot, or negative net worth equals vast wealth.  “Call me crazy, but didn’t we just go through a period where no money down and bad credit allowed people who couldn’t afford homes to buy them and that wrecked the housing market and busted the financial system?  Didn’t many of the same people who say we face the danger of global warming also say we faced the danger of global cooling and an impending ice age during the 1970’s?  I’m thinking that hot is still hot and cold is still cold and that massive debt will still cause bankruptcy, and since people haven’t been on earth a fraction of the millennia that the universe has existed, that we have no clue as to whether the earth is running in 10, 100 or 1000 year temperature cycles,” said Mary-Martha Dannce-Knightly, an arms dealer and part-time stripper down at the Busty Squirrel Club and Pet Shop.  “Now a toy animal probably needs to be Tased by cops from time to time, just to make sure that they stay in line, but beyond that, I think the basic laws of nature, economics and common sense still apply.”

Evidence of global warming

Evidence of global warming

Science Daily reported that global warming may include some periods of local cooling, according to a new study by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley. Results from satellite and ground-based sensor data show that sweltering summers can, paradoxically, lead to the temporary formation of a cooling haze. The study, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that when manmade pollutants mix with the natural compounds emitted from forests and vegetation during the hot summer months, they form secondary aerosols that reflect light from the sun. Such aerosols may also contribute to the formation of clouds, which also reflect sunlight. The results of this study suggest that climate models need to better account for the effects of organic aerosols, the authors said. The researchers estimated that the cooling effect from the aerosol haze over the U.S. Southeast in summer is outpacing the warming effect from carbon dioxide emissions by 2-to-1 in a negative feedback system. “The cooling effect of the organic aerosols we are reporting here are regional and temporal; they are dwarfed by the changes in the climate we are witnessing globally,” said Inez Fung, a UC Berkeley professor. “To counter all the warming effects from greenhouse gases with aerosols, levels would have to be so high that we’d have trouble breathing, and the sky would no longer appear blue.”

Don't Tase me Bro!

Don't Tase me Bro!

United Press International reported that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose said they ended up shooting a large toy cat with a Taser stun gun. Warren police said the 911 caller said a “huge” animal resembling “a 150-pound cat” was spotted in an old cement drainpipe in Bates Park and 10 officers were sent to the scene, WDIV-TV, Detroit, reported Monday. The officers saw the outline of the animal in the pipe and shot it with the Taser — only to discover it was a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said investigators believe the incident, which cost the department $1,000 in wasted police hours from responding to the scene and filling out paperwork, was a prank. Dwyer said the prankster could face 90 days probation and fines equivalent to the wasted police money if caught.

Undie Runners R Us

Undie Runners R Us

The Orange County Register reported that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking again in the city’s 71-year-old fountain, will allow students to return to campus for a foam party after Wednesday night’s traditional Undie Run. The run occurs every Wednesday night during Chapman’s finals week in the winter and spring. Students meet at Memorial Hall, strip to their underwear, run a couple of blocks to the plaza, or traffic circle, and back. For the first time, Chapman is partnering with student leaders on the Undie Run, an unsanctioned campus event that upset the mayor in the fall because students damaged the fountain. University spokeswoman Mary Platt said the loose partnership is to help avoid an incident similar to the Undie Run in December when some students climbed in and broke the 71-year-old fountain in the plaza. About 1,500 students ran that time. The university picked up a $13,000 tab to repair the fountain and for police staffing the event. The foam party is meant to lure students back to campus. The Undie Run’s origins at Chapman are fuzzy.

Some people say that the fuzzier things are, the better.

Good Scotch

Good Scotch

“In today’s world of uncertainty and challenge, it’s important that all government and personal planning is hazy, fuzzy and unclear so that everything is in accord with the inherent meaningless and randomness of nature, global warming and most of Nancy Pelosi’s statements,” said a passing gnome carrying roots and a bottle of good Scotch.  “Relativity is at the heart of physics, evolution and ethics, it only makes sense that it should also be applied to economics and the war on terror.  Nothing has any real meaning, other than what we decide it is at any one time.  Why should we think that some people or economic, or political systems should behave in a predictable or rational way; or that anything is really ‘bad’ or ‘good’.  It’s important that we build our lives on the sands of relativity and chaos.  It’s the only really natural foundation, and it’s the true character of our age.  I’d talk more, but I’ve got work to do and bills to pay.  Damn bill collectors have no concept of the importance of relativity and still expect to be paid, and to be paid on time. They’re a bunch of damn capitalist business types clinging to a bunch of ‘real world’ crap.”

That'll teach him

That'll teach him

In other news, UK’s The Sun reported on Tuesday that a man who twice beat his girlfriend got his punishment — 60 hours working out at the gym. The bizarre sentence was imposed by Judge Anthony Goldstaub QC on Richard Brown at Chelmsford Crown Court. The judge had been told of the attacks carried out by Brown, an unemployed IT worker, of Hornchurch, Essex, on his partner and mother-of-six. As part of his penalty the judge ruled Brown must attend a gym three times a week for an hour for 20 weeks as “an activity requirement”. Brown had pleaded guilty to two offences of assault causing actual bodily harm. No word on why being sentenced to go to a gym is a cure for physical abuse, but in an era where cold weather is heating the globe and trillions of dollars in spending is fixing government debt, it takes a little while for old fashioned thinkers to catch up with the new reality.  Or some such bullshit.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Global Warming May Result In Some Periods Of Cooling In Southeastern United States
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090518172442.htm

Police use Taser on fake cougar
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1690977/police_use_taser_on_fake_cougar/index.html?source=r_oddities

Old Towne: Chapman preps for spring Undie Run
http://orange.freedomblogging.com/2009/05/18/old-towne-chapman-preps-for-spring-undie-run/4111/

Sentenced to gym work out
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2437570.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

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Two Shot at Anti-Violence Rally; Love, Noise and the Female Condom; and Romance Survives Shot to Chest

> Peace Rally Turns Violent, Two Injured in Shooting
> FDA Approves New Female Condom; this Version ‘Rustles Less’
> Prison Psychologist shoots Lover, Reconciles, No Charges Filed

Inebriated Press
May 20, 2009

Ah the sting of hot lead, how I've missed you

Ah the sting of hot lead, how I've missed you

KOCO News Oklahoma reported Monday that two people were arrested Sunday in Midwest City after a shooting during an anti-violence rally.  And the Washington Post reported Monday that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved a new female condom that is made of thinner polyurethane than earlier models, so it conducts body heat and sensation better — and rustles less. Meanwhile the North Carolina News and Observer reported Monday that a prison psychologist lost her job last month after shooting her lover in the chest with a .38-caliber Smith & Wesson revolver.  However, the couple has reconciled and no charges have been filed.  Some people say all’s fair in love and gun violence.

Someone named Sammi

Someone named Sammi

“There’s no point in getting excited about being blasted in the chest by your lover, or a few folks getting shot up during an anti-violence rally.  Love and violence go together like peace and war, or hope and change; they’re conceptual things that thrive on contrast and a few emotional outbursts that give meaning to life.  Who hasn’t longed for the warmth of true love, or the sting of a .38-caliber bullet piercing their breastplate,” said Sammi Sadist-Outthere, a part-time sex-worker and a pretty container of anti-wisdom in a world turned upside down.  “As far as the female condom goes, it’s a joke like most kinds of birth control.  What woman hasn’t wanted the experience of getting knocked up just to see how her body reacts?  After all you can just hack the kid out before it grows past the legal age limit where it’s a crime. As you can tell I’m kind of mercenary about this stuff but hey, it’s my body and my gun so it’s my right to do with either whatever I feel like.  Until you’ve had flaming STD’s and a serious gunshot wound plus a few other near-death experiences, you’ve never had the rush that makes being alive worthwhile.  People may call me psycho but the truth is I’m today’s new woman.  Hope and change baby, I’m leading the way forward.”

Someone named Nancy

Someone named Nancy

Not everyone lives with the reckless abandon that Sadist-Outthere does.  “Shootings at anti-violence rally’s? Attempted murder with a .38 caliber handgun is a relationship builder? Aborting kids for the experience? Holy shit, I thought we’d lost our minds when we elected an inexperienced community organizer as the U.S. president, but apparently we were only warming to the subject,” said Nancy Drew-Theline, a financial analyst whose work on risk management has affected her social outlook.  “We need an infusion of common sense before this country’s wheels come off altogether and we get sucked down the drain into social chaos.  Obama has us poised for more economic chaos by quadrupling government debt, and spending trillions of dollars to feel stimulated.  The economy has already started coming around on its own with only 6% of the stimulus spent.  A free market economy with low taxes and modest regulation will correct itself, we’ve got to wise up fast. As far as the female condom goes, it’s simply another tool to control the risk of pregnancy.  If it works for you, then use it.  Personally, I use it plus oral contraception and I make guys wear double condoms.  Why risk starting a life you don’t want when you can avoid it by taking precautions.  As far as STD’s go, don’t trade fluids and you don’t invite STD’s.  It’s probably my risk management work, but I pre-screen all my dates by taking them to the Quality of Life Group’s San Francisco STD Testing office on Mission Street.  If they don’t pass their tests, they don’t pass mine.  Maybe I’m an ethical hard ass and health nut, but my ass is healthy and it’s staying that way.”

Stop the violence rallyKOCO Oklahoma reported that two people were arrested Sunday after a shooting at an anti-violence rally in the town of Midwest, according to police. One person was shot in the torso and another was shot multiple times during the event at Regional Park. More than 1,200 people gathered for the event, geared toward encouraging teens to turn away from violence. Alfred Frazier, 17, and Sam ZayZay, 22, were arrested initially, police said. ZayZay has since been released pending further investigation. Frazier is accused of shooting with intent to kill. Investigators are talking to two other people possibly involved in the shooting. The names of the shooting victims have not been released. Police have not indicated whether the shooting is gang-related.

Female condom

Female condom

The Washington Post reported that The Female Health Company in Chicago has received FDA approval for their new female condom.  The new and improved condom, the FC2, an upgrade from the FC which still on the market, is made of thinner polyurethane than the earlier model, so it conducts body heat and sensation better — and rustles less. Company vice president Jack Weissman says that in the U.S., female condom use is important both for family-planning purposes and for protection against HIV/AIDS and other STDs. The company is working with family-planning and HIV/AIDS clinics throughout the country, brokering deals that allow clinics to dispense free female condoms just as they currently give out free male condoms. The company’s first product, the FC (for female condom), was launched in 1994 and landed like a lead balloon among consumers, who complained that it was too pricey, that its feel wasn’t conducive to satisfying sex and that, of all things, it made too much noise. That product’s still on the market, retailing for about $17 for a package of 5. The FC2 should be available by autumn.

Gun shot lovers. Sounds like a Country song

Gun shot lovers. Sounds like a Country song

The News & Observer reported that a prison psychologist lost her job last month after shooting her lover, a convicted felon recently released from the minimum-security facility where she worked. Kristel K. Rider shot Lamount K. Friend once in the chest on April 21 in front of his grandparents’ home near Clayton. He survived, though the .38-caliber bullet from her Smith & Wesson revolver barely missed his heart. And the two apparently have reconciled and no charges have been filed in the case. It is a felony for Correction employees to have sex with people in state custody, a crime punishable by up to 31 months in prison for each count. As Friend’s therapist, Rider appears to have violated several ethical rules through her relationship with the inmate, potentially imperiling her state license. Therapists are forbidden from having romantic relationships with those they treat because their position potentially gives them emotional power over the patient. Keith Acree, the spokesman for the state prison system, confirmed that Rider treated Friend at Neuse. However, he said the prison system could find no evidence that the two had sex while Friend was incarcerated. Friend’s court record contains more than 30 criminal convictions for transgressions such as robbery, illegal firearms possession and cocaine trafficking. Martha Storie, director of the N.C. Psychology Board, said that Rider has an active license. The board does not publicly disclose whether a complaint against a licensee has been made or whether an investigation is pending.

Paris: New Age Princess, or Di trying

Paris: New Age Princess, or Di trying

In other news, UK’s The Sun reported Tuesday that Paris Hilton says her scandalous life-style has prevented her from fulfilling her dream of being like Princess Diana. The heirhead socialite makes the claims in a new documentary on her life, which debuted at the Toronto International Film Festival last September and was shown in Cannes at the weekend. Hilton’s bad behavior includes her infamous sex tape with Rick Solomon, other leaked saucy videos and pictures, a charge for Driving Under the Influence (DUI) and a short spell behind bars. No word on why she hasn’t acted like Princess Di if that’s who she wanted to emulate, but in a world turned upside down, it’s the rush that’s more important than the risk — if you don’t plan on being around very long.  And that’s true whether you’re talking STD’s or the U.S. economy.  Manage your risk, or live fast and die hard.  You make the call.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com 

Source articles:

2 Shot At Anti-Violence Rally In Midwest City
http://www.koco.com/cnn-news/19492478/detail.html

Romance born in prison survives shooting
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/1531664.html

Learning to Love the Female Condom
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/checkup/2009/05/learning_to_love_the_female_co.html

San Francisco STD Testing
http://www.sanfranciscostdtesting.com

Paris: Di hopes ruined by sex tape
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/film/article2434734.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=Film

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Russia goes Old-School Soviet, Rodents run Free at Wal-Mart, and Women Dump Pantyhose to Cool Legs

> Russia puts on Soviet-style Red Square show of might
> Woman sues Wal-Mart after Roaming Rat Panics her
> Summer Heats Up Women who Dump Pantyhose to Cool Down

Inebriated Press
May 14, 2009

Toe cleavage

Toe cleavage

Breitbart reported this week that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to act aggressive toward the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. And Associated Press reported last week that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store because a rat ran out from behind a rack as she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle, panicking her and causing her to injure herself.  She said employees knew it was in the store and had even named it Norman.  Meanwhile, Forbes reported this past Saturday that during the suffocating heat of summer, more and more women are tossing the pantyhose and stockings and going bare legged and with open-toe shoes.  Pundits are debating the risk and reward of a Soviet Union redux, rodents running wild and free in department stores, and whether toe cleavage is hot or cool.  

Someone named Hillary

Someone named Hillary

“There’s nothing inherently risky or especially rewarding from the Russians behaving like the old Soviets again, or rats roaming free around the ankles of women, or even legs that are nude and not poured into sausage tubes called hose.  Heck this stuff is all natural,” said Hillary Hafpint-Latex, a biped of questionable origin, but whose looks and intellect impress just the same.  “Putin is the old KGB chief and he’s been reassembling the old Soviet empire the best he can, he’s just doing more of the same.  It’s in his nature.  And rats roaming department stores isn’t anything different than when they roamed the fields in hunter-gatherer days, it’s just a different time.  And as far as women dumping hose for the summer, hey we were born with naked legs and you can’t get more natural than that.  The toe-cleavage thing is just some fetish.  I go toeless to let the air cool my feet, that’s it.  Now if you don’t mind, please stop sucking my toes.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone sees it the way Hafpint-Latex does.  “The Soviets, I mean Russians want to be dangerous again and are arming Iran with nukes and being showy so they intimidate Obama and he starts apologizing about stuff for no reason, and then they can take the rest of Georgia and the Ukraine.  It must be stopped for the good of the former Soviet countries, which now have freedom.  And rats shouldn’t roam department stores, for crying out loud.  Get an exterminator, what kind of idiots are running that Wal-Mart,” asked Stacy Lacy-Piplate, a caterer whose looks enable her to keep food hot without the use of chafing dishes.  “As far as bare legs and toe-cleavage goes, if you’re in a professional office you probably need to wear pantyhose, or wear slacks if you don’t want hose.  Open toes you might risk depending on the culture there. It all seems kind of silly, but you go with what sells.  That’s why I do so many hot wings when I cater.  People like hot wings and naked legs.  If I have a lot of food to keep warm, sometimes I cater nude so I can keep the food hot without using electricity.  I don’t know if it really works, but I’ve never had any guys complain.”

SovietsBreitbart reported that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to dare attempt any aggression against the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display to mark the 64th anniversary of the Soviet victory over Nazi Germany in World War II came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. Russia’s war with Georgia in August over Georgian breakaway regions sent Moscow-NATO ties to their worst level since the Cold War and tensions have flared again over the alliance’s decision to go ahead with the exercises. Moscow, which remains at loggerheads with Georgia’s pro-Western President Mikheil Saakashvili, angrily condemned the war games that started this week as a provocation that risk stoking instability in the region.

Old School Soviet

Old School Soviet

Before handing over to Medvedev as president last year, Putin resurrected the Soviet practice — dropped after Communism — of having missiles and heavy tanks rumbling over the Red Square cobbles in front of Russia’s leaders. Thousands of soldiers and more than 100 items of hardware featured in the Red Square parade, which was matched by similar demonstrations across Russia involving almost 30,000 troops, officials said. There was a rare public showing for some of Russia’s best known missile systems, including the S-300 and S-400 anti-aircraft missiles, the short range Iskander-M and the medium-range Buk. Squadrons of fighter jets also flew over Red Square. The restoration of the heavy weaponry to the parade is a throwback to the days when reclusive Soviet leaders would observe the proceedings from the top of Lenin’s mausoleum on Red Square.

Rat-Mart?

Rat-Mart?

Associated Press reported that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store over what she claims was a much-too-close encounter of the furry kind. Rebecca White says in her lawsuit that employees at a Wal-Mart in Abbeville let a rat-tailed rodent known as a nutria run loose and scare her. She says that not only did employees know it was in their store, but gave it a pet name, Norman, and failed to warn shoppers. White says she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle in October when the nutria ran out from behind a rack. She says she pulled the cart backward in a panicked attempt to protect herself and hurt her back and foot. The local store referred all questions about Norman to the Bentonville, Ark.-headquarters of Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest retailer.

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Forbes reported that April L. Burke doesn’t think bare legs are unattractive — just unprofessional. So pantyhose are a must at her Washington, D.C., lobbying firm, Lewis-Burke Associates. In a conservative field dominated by big players, she tells her employees, it’s crucial to look put together from head to toe. Still, in her city’s suffocating summers, even Burke has trouble with stockings. Her solution as the mercury rises: “I wear slacks a lot,” she says. As the weather heats up, so inevitably does the annual office leg debate, in which women grapple with dictates that can seem designed to keep us as sweaty, uncomfortable and — many say — dowdy as possible. In traditional industries, rules about women’s summer legs and footwear, whether written or unwritten, can inspire fantasies of mutiny among interns and corner-office executives alike. In finance, law and other professions, even seemingly innocuous summer staples such as cropped pants and open-toe shoes can be verboten. But making our own decisions can be worse than a draconian list of don’ts. If your firm has no stance on hosiery but you don’t have Malibu Barbie legs, must you wear hose anyway? If you can show toe cleavage, should you? When does stylish cross the line into sexy? “The semiotics of uncovering or covering the leg are unresolved,” says Susan Scafidi, a visiting professor at Fordham Law School in New York City who teaches fashion law. “We’re beyond a glimpse of stocking being thought of as something shocking, but we’re not sure what we think when we see a glimpse of skin.”

Some people say that in the heat of summer, you should turn everything loose and live and let live.

Passing hooligan

Passing hooligan

“Hot steamy summer should drive hot steamy dressing and undressing, and clothing should be loose and billowy and sometimes not at all,” said a passing hooligan, who looked firm and muscular and in some places wore nothing at all.  “Do the toe cleavage and other cleavage and let imagination and passion slip around the corporate office driving up blood pressure like a fifth cup of coffee or the third Diet Coke.  Don’t think it’ll inhibit productivity, just the opposite.  The staff will run on adrenaline most of the day.  And you’ll have vendors in your office cutting deals like you’ve never seen.  In fact they’ll come back even when they don’t have to, just to ‘make sure everything’s okay’.  Relish it, use it, bite me.  I mean, it’ll work out.”
 

Beer can island boat

Beer can island boat

In other news, The Tampa Tribune reported last Saturday that fuel fumes built up inside a 33-foot Sea Ray cabin cruiser causing it to suddenly explode off Beer Can Island. Seven people, including a child, were injured. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Maj. Dennis Post said that a generator was in operation at the time, and he speculated that perhaps fumes from that built up in the bilge area. If the area is not properly ventilated, that could result in an explosion. The vessel was anchored properly about 100 feet from the shore of the island Beer Can Island, a popular destination for weekend boaters in Tampa Bay. The size of the boat and the way it was anchored suggested the boater was experienced, Post said.  No word on whether there were hot women on board who may have caused it to overheat, or if they had toe-cleavage that somehow shorted out some electrical wiring.  But at least they have a place with the great name “Beer Can Island”, so they’ve got that going for them.    

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Russia warns foes in Soviet-style show of might
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.2bd8acd3958f3504b0e198ea61d1c3d0.a1&show_article=1

Lawsuit: Big rodent runs free at Wal-Mart
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/hotstories/6413460.html

Should Women Bare Their Legs in the Office?
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=7541126&page=1

7 seriously injured on boat that exploded off Beer Can Island
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/may/09/092257/tampa-fire-rescue-responding-beer-can-island-boat-/news-breaking/

Comments Off on Russia goes Old-School Soviet, Rodents run Free at Wal-Mart, and Women Dump Pantyhose to Cool Legs

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Nipplegate Revisited, Porn Star Eyes Senate Run, and Woman Hides Crack in Crack

> U.S. Supreme Court calls for “wardrobe malfunction” review
> Porn star Stormy Daniels launches Senate “Listening Tour”
> Woman arrested; smuggled crack cocaine in vagina

Inebriated Press
May 5, 2009

Bit nipply out

Bit nipply out

The New York Times reported yesterday that the U.S. Supreme Court set aside a ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals that had overturned a $550,000 fine imposed on CBS for Janet Jackson’s nipple flash during the 2004 Super Bowl, and called for “further consideration” of the conclusion.  And Politico reported last Friday that porn star Stormy Daniels is launching a “Listening Tour” across Louisiana, in order to meet with men and women and listen to issues and concerns, and gauge a potential run for the U.S. Senate.  Meanwhile, WHAS-TV 11, Louisville, Kentucky, reported that a woman was arrested Friday, for smuggling drugs that she concealed in her “private parts”.  Pundits are debating the risks and rewards of out-of-control clothing, out-of-control politics and out-of-control drug smuggling. 

Someone named Tom

Someone named Tom

“America is playing fast and loose with its ethics, economy, and damn near everything in between.  What with trillions of dollars in debt and the risk of future hyper-inflation that we call ‘stimulus’ today, and out-of-control clothing on singers, and porn star Senator-wannabe’s, not to mention vaginal drug smuggling,” said Tom Thumb-Naill, a small businessman who made money the past two years, and has complained about Obama’s tax-and-redistribution plan, so now Homeland Security considers him a terrorist suspect.  “I wouldn’t really give a shit, except every time I turn around I’m getting hosed.  I bust my ass to build a business and now I’m supposed to give my earnings to bums and vagrants who bought crack out of some woman’s crack and wasted their brains.  In the new America of hope and change, businessmen are considered terrorists and troublemakers.  I suppose electing Daniels as Senator makes some sense.  If we’re going to get screwed anyway it may as well be by someone who looks hot and knows how to give constituents a good time while doing us.  Shit I’m depressed.”

Someone named Misty

Someone named Misty

Not everyone sees it the way Thumb-Naill does.  “During times of significant societal change, some people will feel stress and may misunderstand the benefits of the things going on around them.  They may perceive loss when their taxes go up or inflation spikes, or they may have feelings of foreboding and even discomfort when they learn that free speech is only acceptable if it’s pro-liberal-socialist government — if they’re not used to the idea,” said Misty Breastplate-Barfly, a self-proclaimed intellectual, who lives on George Soros dime in an out-of-the-way villa where only deep thinking is allowed.  “In time American’s will warm to the talk-middle-of-the-road and rule-far-left governing approach of Barack Obama, our light bringer and space heater.  They’ll even come to appreciate the coercive techniques and Chicago Style Politics that characterizes our government today.  Centralized power in the hands of a small cadre of elite is a time honored and historically proven governing approach.  Only unenlightened conservatives, Neanderthals, and early American patriots have a hard time understanding and embracing this classic approach to power.  And like the Dodo bird, they’ll all go the way of extinction.  Want to buy some coke?  I keep some in my panties; oh, and I’m thinking of running for governor.”

Janet makes clean breast of it

Janet makes clean breast of it

The New York Times reported that the Supreme Court on Monday set aside a ruling by the United States Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit, in Philadelphia, that had overturned a $550,000 fine imposed by the Federal Communications Commission on CBS for the “wardrobe malfunction,” as the fateful moment has been described. The high court said the Third Circuit should give “further consideration” to its conclusion last July 21 that the F.C.C. was wrong to fine the network. So, what may be the most controversial fraction of a second in television history, the momentary baring of the singer Janet Jackson’s breast during the halftime show of the 2004 Super Bowl, will be debated once again in federal court. The lyrics sung by Justin Timberlake “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” was followed by the exposure of Ms. Jackson’s breast.  The event called ‘nipplegate’ by some lasted nine-sixteenths of one second. That is barely enough time for the speediest wide receiver to cover five yards on a dry field, but plenty of time to generate litigation that has lasted half a decade, with accompanying lawyers’ fees.

Senator wannabe

Senator wannabe

Politico reported that porn star Stormy Daniels has launched a “Listening Tour” across Louisiana. The star of such films as “Operation Desert Stormy” will appear in Baton Rouge on Tuesday and New Orleans on Wednesday in order to “meet with Louisiana men and women and listen to the issues and concerns they struggle with everyday” and gauge a potential run against Sen. David Vitter (R.). The untraditional path into politics for Daniels, a 29-year-old with no party affiliation at present, began in February when fans launched the website DraftStormy.com to encourage a run. Daniels hopes that her career as a porn star (and producer, writer and director) won’t prove much of a hindrance, since Vitter has some sexual history of his own: In July 2007, his phone number appeared in the published phone log of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, AKA the “D.C. Madam.”

WHAS-11 Louisville reported that there was an unusual arrest early Friday at metro corrections. Police say 20-year-old Ashley Greene concealed drugs within her private parts in attempt to hide them and to bring them into the jail. The arrest report says officers also found $60, crack cocaine and marijuana in that “same area”.

Some say that stash in snatch and crack in crack sound like some kind of Dr. Seuss storybook rhyme.

Snatch stasher

Snatch stasher

“During these trick turning times, I mean tricky times, it’s important to take a moment and smell the roses or sniff the cocaine, and reflect on the poetic meanings that lay beneath the flowery words in Obama’s speeches that seem so irrelevant and yet change our lives so much,” said a passing vagrant, currently an Obama appointed advisor to Central Intelligence.  “There’s the crack in the crack sir, and stash in the snatch sir, and green eggs and ham, so spam I am and I get in my email.  It’s a wobelgotom day of cauliflower memories and wolfblizer verbiage, with multicolored laptops beneath a blue verboten sky.  I don’t know what that means, but as long as my government check clears, why should I give a shit?  I’m awash in a world of hope and change.  Gone is traditional America.  Good luck trying to bring it back.”

Deep thoughts

Deep thoughts

In other news, CNN reported last Thursday that after Vice President Joe Biden told American’s to avoid swine flu by not traveling or going into confined spaces with other people, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that Biden meant something else.  “I know what he said, and I am telling you what he meant to say,” Gibbs said.  No word on how the Obama administration feels about a porn platform in the Senate, or storing crack in ones crack, but now that they engage in re-interpreting their own statements on a daily basis, we can expect ongoing conflicting announcements on all subjects, and it’s up to us to perceive any reality we wish, just as long as it favors the Obama administration.  Otherwise, you’re a potential terrorist.  And you don’t want that.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Justices Tell Appeals Court to Revisit Super Bowl Incident
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/05/business/media/05fcc.html?ref=global-home

Porn star flirts with La. Senate run
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22007.html

Woman arrested for allegedly smuggling drugs, cash in her private parts
http://www.whas11.com/topstories/stories/whas11-local-090501-ashley-greene.cfd51ea.html

White House apologizes for undue alarm over Biden comments
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/30/white-house-apologizes-for-undue-alarm-over-biden-comments/

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