Tag Archives: parody

Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

> Detonating Donkey’s Near Soldiers, Latest Tactic in Afghanistan
> Couple Arrested Having Sex on Windsor Castle Lawn
> Brother and Sister Marry, Discover They’re Not Really Related

Inebriated Press
May 4, 2009

Relatives, on your lawn?

Relatives, on your lawn?

The Times Online reported Thursday that the latest “suicide” bombing tactic in Afghanistan, is blowing up donkey’s laden with explosives and tethered on roadsides, when military vehicles pass.  And the Telegraph reported Thursday that a couple was arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, MosNews reported Wednesday that police are looking for a brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood.  Pundits are debating the nature of freedom, sex and death.

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

“The couple arrested having sex on the lawn chose to do that, just like the brother and sister who chose to have sex and eventually get married — the blood relationship was learned late in that game, but the choices were still theirs.  But the donkeys that are getting blown to bits are not freely making the choice, so they’re not technically ‘suicide bombers’. Suicide involves the decision to end ones own life and the donkey’s aren’t included in the decision making process,” said Lusty Linda Doubletoe-Loop, an ice skating stripper, who hates the name her parents gave her, but tries to live up to it.  “Freedom to chose who you have sex with and where, and when to blow yourself up and where, are important freedoms that shouldn’t be taken away by the police, the State, or one’s parents.  Freedom to be a donkey mating its cousin and not being blown up, should be that animals right.  And freedom for brothers and sisters to have sex on the lawn at Windsor Castle is also a right that people should have.  Freedom of the individual is a natural right and should not be controlled as though it’s granted by society or a government.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my brother and a donkey.  Don’t look at me so strange, this is about freedom.”

Someone named Deidre

Someone named Deidre

Not everyone agrees with Doubletoe-Loop.  “You want to blow up a donkey, blow up a donkey.  Just don’t be blowing up donkey’s that don’t belong to you, or killing people who don’t want to be killed.  And as far as sex between relatives and on the lawns of kings or queens goes, it’s wrong.  At the very least, for genetic reasons you shouldn’t have sex with relations; and for propriety’s sake, let alone the private property issue, you can’t be having sex on other peoples lawns in broad daylight,” said Deidre McMilkshake, a hot Irish dairy executive who thrives on regulatory concepts and other restrictive things, some of which involve leather.  “Individuals have no rights not granted to them by the State or governing authority.  Freedom without restraint is chaos. An orderly society requires restrictions, laws, rules.  Without rule of law, no economy can be developed, and society is mere menagerie.  On a personal level, I’ve found that the tighter and more restrictive I wear my clothes, the more power I have — especially over men.  Silicon properly installed and barely constrained behind leather is like lightening in a bottle.  Like chaos on a leash.  Don’t tell me that harnessed energy can’t be channeled for societies good, and mine too.  Watch me out on a Saturday night if you still have doubts.”

Donkey's are dangerous

Donkey's are dangerous

The Times Online reported that a senior British Army officer and six other military personnel survived attack when a tethered donkey laden with explosives was detonated as their armored vehicle passed in southern Afghanistan. The huge explosion showered the soldier standing on “top cover” out of the Mastiff’s turret with donkey entrails and blood, and the sight was so gruesome that the rest of those in the vehicle thought he had been mortally wounded in the blast. Troops in Afghanistan have been attacked by a boy with a wheelbarrow full of explosives and a bicycle with a bomb attached, but the explosion south of Garmsir in southern Helmand province is thought to be the first using tethered livestock.

Keep off the grassThe Telegraph reported that a couple were arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. The pair, in their early thirties, stripped on a private grass bank at the castle, where Her Majesty was in residence. They were watched by crowds of tourists beneath the castle’s Garter Tower, in full view of hotels, pubs and shops over the road. Several Japanese tourists filmed the couple for up to twenty minutes before they were arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers. Witness Mark Robinson, 44, said: “One window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates – and lots of windows opened. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom. They even ignored the Please Keep Off The Grass signs.”

Happily married.

Happily married.

MosNews reported that police are looking for the brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood. Their parents, well-off residents of Smolensk city in Central Russia, adopted the boy as a baby when their own daughter was five years old, and never told the son he was adopted. The two seemed to have feelings for each other since childhood. As they grew, the emotional relationship between the brother and sister became obvious to family and friends, and the parents became even more determined not to reveal the truth. Finally, when they were already 20 and 25 years old, the two learned the truth from one of the neighbors, and realized nothing was keeping them apart. When they revealed their intentions to the parents, it provoked a massive row, and the next day they were gone.

She can kick your ass

She can kick your ass

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust says a Quartz Hill girl was walking to school April 24 when two men approached her from behind, tried to grab her coat and demanded money. Instead, one got a punch in the nose and the other a kick to the groin. Rust says the girl then beat both of them with her band baton before she ran away. The men had not been caught. But Rust says there’s a clear message to take from the encounter: “The moral to this story is don’t mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve.”  No word on how the girl feels about terrorists who blow up donkeys, or couples who have sex on Windsor Castle’s lawn, but she sounds like the type who won’t take shit from anyone, so I’ll bet she has an opinion and it probably makes sense.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Donkey ‘suicide’ bombing is latest tactic against patrols
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6194874.ece

Sex on Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5248440/Sex-on-Queens-lawn-at-Windsor-Castle.html

Russian couple happy to find out it’s not incest
http://mosnews.com/society/2009/04/29/incest/

Girl Beats Off Muggers With Marching Band Baton
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/19328026/detail.html

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Filed under Humor, IP News

No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

> CIA to decommission all waterboarding sites
> Nevada drops proposed $5 sex tax
> Funeral home sued after black man switched for white woman

Inebriated Press
April 13, 2009

Bunny RanchThe Boston Globe reported Friday that the CIA has announced it is decommissioning all “black sites” where terrorism suspects were questioned and three were waterboarded.  And Associated Press reported Friday that the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee has voted down a proposal to levy a $5 tax on legal and illegal sex acts in the State.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle reported last Wednesday that a family is suing a funeral home after it mixed up the body of their black relative and switched it with a white woman.  Pundits say that the Obama European Tour has completed the solution to all the world’s problems and now there are no terrorists to question, no need to tax sex, and no need for affirmative action because no one can tell the difference between black and white.

Someone named Monica

Someone named Monica

“With the Obama Administrations official announcement that there will no longer be references to a ‘war on terror’ and the presidents bowing and scraping before the Saudi King, and U.S. willingness to let Iran go nuclear now, there is no need to have facilities where we ask people suspected as terrorists any questions,” said Monica Maidrite-Playtex, a community organizer and activist, currently the senior advisor to the U.S. Department of Defense.  “There are no terrorists; Barack has declared it so.  As far as the sex tax goes, I think the government should control access to sex and probably require a tax to fund an oversight board to regulate it, but at this point it’s more important that we simply control access to healthcare entirely.  Regarding the confusion between a black man and white woman, this is simply an example of the progress Barack has made since being in office.  This sort of thing didn’t happen while Bush was president because he was so polarizing; he is to blame for everything wrong with America.  Thank god he’s back in Texas.”

Someone named Jean

Someone named Jean

Not everyone agrees with Maidrite-Platex.  “Just because someone declares that there is no war with terrorists doesn’t make it so; there are still plenty of Islamofascists plotting to kill Americans.  The world won’t be safer when Iran has a nuke.  And just because the U.S. put a budget guy in charge of CIA doesn’t mean the intelligence agency is better at it’s job,” said Jean Denim-Blu, a Hooters waitress who moonlights as an aluminum welder at the Metallic Owl and Strip Club.  “As far as the black guy confused with a white woman goes, it just shows you that it’s time to drop special funding for affirmative action and get on with living together.  We have a black president, the head of the Republican party is black, Oprah is the richest and most powerful woman in the world, Tiger Woods is the worlds best golfer, the best female tennis players are black, the fastest race car driver in the world is black, the NFL superbowl winning coach is black, the fastest human in the world is black.  It’s time to let this affirmative action shit go.  And sex should never be taxed.  That’s counter intuitive, it’s the best stimulus the world’s got, let it alone for crying out loud.”

Click for larger pic

Click for larger pic

The Boston Globe reported that the CIA will decommission the infamous “black sites” where terrorism suspects were interrogated with harsh techniques that included waterboarding, agency director Leon Panetta said yesterday. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that he had informed Congress of the CIA’s detention policies following an order by President Obama in January banning harsh interrogations and ordering that the secret detention sites be closed. Panetta said that from now on the CIA would use “a dialog style of questioning”. 

Under the Bush administration three terrorists were waterboarded and officials said key information was obtained that resulted in the lives of thousands of Americans being saved from the prevention of planned terrorist attacks.

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Associated Press reported that a proposal to levy a $5 tax on sex acts in Nevada has died in a state Senate committee. The 3-4 vote Thursday in the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee was one shy of the four needed to keep the proposal afloat. Committee Chairman Bob Coffin, the Las Vegas Democrat who sponsored the bill, says the state is desperate for revenue and has not collected taxes from prostitution since it was legalized in some rural counties more than 30 years ago. Sen. Mike McGinness, a Republican from Fallon who voted against the tax, says he wouldn’t support a new tax on services. Coffin has estimated the tax would’ve raised at least $2 million a year. Nevada is facing a more than $2.8 billion revenue shortfall.

White woman

White woman

The Houston Chronicle reported that seven siblings sued the funeral home that handles Harris County’s indigent burials for cremating their father’s body instead of preparing it for a funeral as they had requested. The 91-year-old black man’s body was mixed up with the body of a white woman that was supposed to be cremated, according to the lawsuit. Both bodies were being handled through the county’s indigent burial program. The lawsuit filed by Fred Woods’ children seeks $2.7 million in damages from Carnes Funeral Home and Cremate Texas, both of which are owned by funeral director Jay Carnes. It alleges the negligence of the funeral home and crematory caused a host of physical and mental problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, anguish and humiliation.

Some people say that decommissioning “black sites”, voting down a sex tax proposed by a guy named “Coffin”, coupled with the funeral home problem with a “black man” all indicates that America continues to have serious issues with color and taxation.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

“The term ‘black site’ as a place for terrorists and the black and white funeral-home problem and the Senator Coffin guy, all this is twisted shit designed by white people to put down the black man and put negative connotations on people of color everywhere,” said a passing drunk who stumbled into the Inebriated office and was instantly hired as an Op-Ed columnist.  “We’ve made progress, that’s true, because we’re damned good and have won our way up.  But bullshit prejudice still needs to be fought and affirmative action is needed to help offset the crap that still goes on.  But it doesn’t need to be funded by mandatory taxation from income.  A nationwide sex tax would easily cover the affirmative action costs, and it would be better because sex is voluntary.  People will be okay with spending a few bucks for sex when they want to have it.  Think about the benefits of that kind of program.  Each time some people have sex they’re helping strengthen society and giving some minority an education and lifting them out of poverty and giving them a chance.  Kind of makes you want to have sex for all kinds of reasons.  Makes prostitutes more like social workers than they already are.”

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

In other news, Reuters reported last Tuesday that human females may get offended at dates who expect sex after they buy them a steak dinner, but for chimpanzees, the exchange may be a fair one, German researchers reported. They found that female chimpanzees mate more frequently with males who often share meat with them. “Our results strongly suggest that wild chimpanzees exchange meat for sex, and do so on a long-term basis,” Cristina Gomes of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany said in a statement. “Males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success, whereas females, who had difficulty obtaining meat on their own, increased their caloric intake without suffering the energetic costs and potential risk of injury related to hunting.” No word on how the chimps feel about a sex tax but so far none have been confused with either black men or white women.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

CIA will decommission detention ‘black sites’
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2009/04/10/cia_will_decommission_detention_black_sites/

No sex tax in Nevada
http://www.wbbm780.com/No-sex-tax-in-Nevada/4180028

Suit over father’s cremation seeks $2.7 million
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6365252.html

For chimps, candy is dandy but steak is quicker
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090408/sc_nm/us_chimps_dinner_1

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Filed under Humor

White House Sex Chat Line, Assisted Suicide for the Healthy, and New Legalized Rape Law

> Journalists calling in for Obama conference get sex chat line
> Swiss clinic to help healthy woman kill herself
> Afghan President establishes law sanctioning marital rape

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
April 6, 2009

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Miss Sex Chat & Miss Legal Rape

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported last Thursday that journalists in the U.S. calling a toll-free number to join a conference call with President Obama in London, instead had their call answered with the line “Do you feel like getting nasty?” — as a sultry voiced Swank magazine sex-chat woman picked up their call.  And Times Online reported last Friday that the Swiss assisted-suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die. The clinic’s founder described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill.  Meanwhile, Afghan President Karzai provoked international outrage with a draconian Taleban-era law that explicitly sanctions marital rape.  Pundits are debating whether the White House sex chat line can offset the trillions in new Obamanomic spending enough that they’ll want to remain in the country, or if they should just rape their wives and commit suicide instead.

White House Operator

White House Operator

“I have to hand it to Obama, I’d never have thought of putting a sex chat line in the White House.  He’s one-upping Clinton who used to rent out the Lincoln Bedroom for orgies.  If Obama instructs the travel office to offer a package to the public with sex-chat followed by a hooker-rendezvous in the Lincoln Bedroom, I’ll bet he can rake in a lot of bucks and offset part of the $12 trillion in spending that he’s initiated in the last 60 days,” said Zack Loft-Basement, a chief-of-staff wanna-be and occasional user.  “But if Obama doesn’t get spending under control and give some tax relief to business in order to truly stimulate the economy, we’re going to end up with hyper inflation and draconian taxation.  My wife will get really frigid I’ll be left to rape her and kill myself — all according to acceptable laws of course — but still, it’d be a real bother.”

Someone named Cathy

Someone named Cathy

Not everyone thinks the way Loft-Basement does.  “I have mixed feelings about the White House sex chat line, just like I did the Condi Rice nude calendar to help fund the State Department, and Bill Clinton selling nude pic’s of Hillary to fund her run for president.  It just seems like maybe we’re going too far and should just cut some costs or something,” said Cathy Scot-Ireland-Tissue, a genius in her own mind and a sex tramp in the minds of others.  “And anyone who condones raping women for any reason should be assigned to an assisted-suicide clinic and be removed from the land of the living.  I do have to wonder about the clinic that plans to help healthy people kill themselves though.  Do you suppose they’ve considered maybe recommending some mental health counseling instead?  I don’t like to be on anti-depressant drugs either, but it seems a bit drastic to just off yourself.”

AFP reported that journalists based in the United States got a shock last Thursday when they dialed a toll-free number to join a conference call with senior officials accompanying US President Barack Obama in London. The number turned out to be a sex chat line inviting callers to use their credit card numbers. “Do you have any hidden desires?” a sultry voiced woman asked. “Well, do you feel like getting nasty? Then you came to the right place — brought to you by the girls of Swank magazine,” she said. Reporters finally got through to the two officials in London — National Security Advisor James Jones and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton — when they gave up on the US “800” number and instead dialed an international number. The White House did not offer an explanation when asked how it sent the wrong number in an email listing both numbers — one for journalists in the United States and the other for those overseas.

Purveyor of Death

Purveyor of Death

Times Online reported that the founder of the Swiss assisted suicide clinic Dignitas was criticized yesterday after revealing plans to help a healthy woman to die alongside her terminally ill husband. Ludwig Minelli described suicide as a “marvelous opportunity” that should not be restricted to the terminally ill or people with severe disabilities. Critics said that the plans highlighted the risks of proposals to legalize assisted suicides in Britain for people in the final stages of a terminal illness.

The Zurich University Clinic has found that more than a fifth of people who had died at Dignitas did not have a terminal condition. Mr Minelli admitted that some of the people who had been helped to die at the clinic had been psychiatric patients with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. A spokesman for Care Not Killing, a campaign opposed to any weakening of the law on euthanasia or assisted suicide, said that Mr Minelli’s comments showed why any legalization of assisted dying would open a “Pandora’s box of nightmare scenarios”.

Sweet rapable girl

Sweet rapable girl

Times Online also reported that President Karzai of Afghanistan provoked international outrage last Thursday with draconian Taleban-era restrictions on women and laws that explicitly sanction marital rape. A leaked copy of the laws obtained by The Times details new strictures for Afghanistan’s Shia minority. Women are banned from leaving the home without permission. A wife has the absolute duty to provide sexual services to her husband, and child marriage is legalized. Opponents of the Afghan President accused him of selling out basic human rights for women in return for the votes of hardline Shia conservatives for the presidential election in August. The legislation is based on the Shia family code first brought before Parliament two years ago, to the horror of women legislators who make up more than a quarter of the assembly. Women MPs said that they had been powerless to challenge the passage of the Bill. “The majority of the men agreed to support the laws without any discussion,” said Azita Raffat, an MP from Badghis province. “The law says it is the right of men to have sex — even by force.”

Pioneer

Pioneer

Some people say that the new law which sanctions forced marriage of young girls and their subsequent rape accurately suits Darwinistic tendencies of nature and that confused moralists and Judeo-Christians have a twisted view of humankind that makes them think that all individuals should have rights and be afforded a modicum of dignity.

Assisted Suicide Toon“The strong survive and the weak perish.  Draconian rape and child marriage law, and Sharia law, these stem from religion and atheistic Darwinism and combine to form a perfect synergy of relativistic power-based control, as natural as the tsunami, the hurricane, and swarms of locusts,” said I.B. Humpin-Daley, a part time cleric and full time vagrant who likes Obama’s style and lack of substance.  “The pansy assed American religious types who say shit like ‘everyone is created equal and are endowed by their creator with inalienable rights like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’ are morons.  Their time has passed.  Obama has proven it by his approach to the leaders at the G-20.  He patted the Brit Queen on the ass and handed her an iPod, then went and bowed deeply and kissed the ring of the Saudi King.  He’s got this shit figured out. Muslim power and Sharia law are coming to America in the form of hope and change.  It’s about power baby, power.  And America is surrendering it to everybody else.  Why else would Hillary tell the Mexicans that their drug war was Americas problem, or Obama tell the G-20 that the worlds economic crisis was Americas fault?  He didn’t sit for 20 years with Jeremiah Wright’s anti-American diatribes and learn nothing you know.  Damn straight.  He’s acting on his beliefs.”

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

USA Sharia Law Pioneer

In other news, the New York Post reported on Thursday that President Obama has nominated Harold Koh to be the State Department’s legal advisor.  Koh believes that judges should interpret the U.S. Constitution according to other nations’ legal “norms.” And that Sharia law applies to disputes in US courts. He also says that the United States constitutes an “axis of disobedience” along with North Korea and Saddam-era Iraq. According to the Post Koh, a self-described “activist,” would plainly promote his views aggressively once at State. He’s not likely to feel limited by the letter of the law — in 1994, he told The New Republic: “I’d rather have [former Supreme Court Justice Harry] Blackmun, who uses the wrong reasoning in Roe [v. Wade] to get the right results, and let other people figure out the right reasoning.” No word on how he feels about raping young girls or killing healthy people but in this new era of hope and change, all bets are off.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Journalists get shock with ‘sexy’ White House call
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090402/od_afp/uswhousenatomediasexoffbeat_20090402223328

Dignitas founder plans assisted suicide of healthy woman
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6021947.ece

President Karzai’s Taleban-style laws for women put troop surge at risk
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/asia/article6025362.ece

OBAMA’S MOST PERILOUS LEGAL PICK
http://www.nypost.com/seven/03302009/postopinion/opedcolumnists/obamas_most_perilous_legal_pick_161961.htm?page=0

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, Op-Ed

Obama’s Have Wild Night in Lincoln Bedroom

> New Leader starts “Hump Around the White House Tour”
> “Reflect on your life,” Abe Lincoln tells Barack

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 31, 2009

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama have been sleeping in a different room of the White House every night, with the goal of making-out in every one.  That’s the word from Inebriated Press tabloid reporter Inga Telouise-Frelove, who slipped a little cash to one of the White House staffers so they’d spill the beans.

“They’ve already made-out in the Oval Office and in the Bush’s old bedroom.  They’d been having a hell of a good time according to staffers, that is until they did the Lincoln Bedroom,” said Telouise-Frelove, reading from her notes and pausing to slam an occasional shot of Jack Daniels.  “They were going at it pretty heavy in the Lincoln Bedroom when Michelle let out a scream and shouted that Abraham Lincoln was standing beside the bed.  At first Barack thought she was having a fantasy about making out with Lincoln like she did Teddy Roosevelt earlier in the week, and kept banging away, but when she threw him into a pole lamp and his dick got caught in the fixture he realized something else was going on.  I only know all this is true because the staffer who told me all this is in charge of in-house spying and bedroom-bugging.”

Someone named Inga

Someone named Inga

According to Telouise-Frelove the White House staffer said that several Obama aids ran to the locked bedroom after Michelle started screaming, and heard Barack yell out “what do you want, you crazy black -hat -wearing bastard, and why are you staring at my wife’s tits?”  Staffers say they heard another man’s voice say, “Reflect on your life Obama. If I’d known the first black president in the White House would be a Socialist, I’d have thought twice about emancipation, and might not have gotten my brains blown out by that damn actor.  You’d better start fighting for individual freedom and less government, not more taxes and less liberty, you dumb shit.”

Not everyone thinks Lincoln appeared to the Obama’s or spoke to them.  “Lincoln is dead and buried, along with his ideals and common sense.  They no longer have a place in the White House, or the Federal Government for that matter,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff and all around low-life son-of-a-bitch (or so we’ve heard).  “Fairness, equality and liberty, opportunity to develop oneself from personal initiative, these are all hateful concepts of oppression foisted upon the common man by conservatives and Republicans who fail to understand the beauty of central power and income redistribution.  Barack has no reason to reflect on his life, I’ll continue to help him define it as we go.  There’s serious shit to do here, and there’s no place for ghosts or a president who starts doubting himself and has his dick caught in the furniture.”

Lincoln Bedroom

Lincoln Bedroom

The Obama’s have both denied that the Lincoln Bedroom saga ever happened or that they are on a “Hump Around the White House Tour”.  Speaking outdoors at the Obama Organic Garden yesterday, Michelle said she and Barack are respectful of the White House and have enjoyed exploring it, but do not engage in lewd behavior there.  “Besides,” she said, “until Baracks’ dick heals we’re pretty much just watching American Idol reruns at night.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Michael Phelps framed by right-wing Republicans

> Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, neither did Michael Phelps
> Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are innocent too

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
February 9, 2009

090209-michaelphelpsweedties1Inebriated reporters spying on athletes and politicians from behind office drapery, beneath mattress pads and under gum wrappers say that Olympic swimmer and 14-time Olympic Medalist Michael Phelps, was framed. According to reports assembled by our Editor during a late night of heavy cigar smoking with only occasional breaks for Crown Royal, the entire marijuana bong thing was a set-up orchestrated by out-of-work Republicans bent on no good.

“It’s well known that athletes vote Democrat more often than not and while Democrat law-makers tend to rake them over the coals during various drug-related Congressional hearings, the fact is it’s a love-hate thing and the out-of-work Republicans are the real ones trying to bring down both athletes and Democrats by insinuating that they ingest the drugs they smoke, inject or swallow; and that’s just not true,” said an Inebriated reporter swallowing a quart of Canadian Club but not ingesting it.  “It’s jealousy on the Republican’s part because the Democrats get all the hot chicks — like Marilyn Monroe, Beyonce and Ashley Dupré — even if Spitzer paid for her.  Now they’ve got Phelps set-up on this bong thing and the reality is he only looks like he’s sucking the smoke into his lungs.  If Michael had been thinking clearly at the time he would have said he wasn’t inhaling, just like Bill Clinton did.  The only reason he wasn’t thinking well was because he was hopped up on Kellogg’s cereal. Now Kellogg’s is ending his contract. What irony.  What a travesty.”

Beyonce

Beyonce

ABC News reported that USA Swimming has suspended the Olympian for three months and the Kellogg cereal company said that they were ending their endorsement deal with him when it’s up for renewal at the end of February.  But all is not lost.  Nike and Speedo don’t care and word on the street is that White Castle is interested in signing him to an endorsement deal. 

According to Brand Weak, an underground public relations firm, the framing of Phelps can be turned into a positive.

090209-phelps-sucking-mj“The American dope-head market is enormous and if Michael wants to go with the Olympian dope-head theme and let us develop and market it, the clouds are the limit,” exclaimed Sunny Lap-Dance, senior vice president of brand development at Brand Weak.  “There are very few famous Olympic athletes that drug users can really look up to and emulate.  Here we have a guy who is talented, has fourteen Olympic medals, and is a public self-professed marijuana user with munchies that drive 12,000 calories per day consumption.  This is somebody that all drug users will appreciate, and let’s face it, they’ll buy whatever he tells them too.  This is an opportunity that the out-of-work Republicans have handed the boy, if he’s smart enough to take it.”

In other news, Inebriated reporters say Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens are both innocent too and should be left alone.  Unless they want to declare themselves drug users and sign-up with Brand Weak for muscle enhancement endorsements.  Each to his own as they say.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Sources:

USA Swimming Suspends Michael Phelps for 3 Months
http://abcnews.go.com/Sports/wireStory?id=6817763

Documents cite evidence of Bonds’ steroid use
http://www.denverpost.com/sports/ci_11630860

Clemens’s DNA Is Linked to Syringes
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/02/AR2009020202902.html

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Will Obama save the porn industry?

> Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
> Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
> Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009

Inebriated Press \ Bare-Ass News Division
January 12, 2009

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

The economic downturn has many companies looking for ways to survive, and those in the adult-entertainment industry are also finding it’s not always easy to shake a recession.

As president-elect Barack Obama unzips the U.S. Treasury’s fly and prepares to blast government bail-out money at his supporters and anyone else willing to back Democrats throughout the new century, Hustler Magazine’s Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis say it’s time to tuck some green-backs into the g-strings of the adult entertainment industry too. According to MSNBC the economy has hurt the pay-for-porn industry and sales of XXX DVD’s are down 22 percent. Flynt and Francis say they want $5 billion from the government.

Cash strapped businessmen

Cash strapped businessmen

Joe Francis says “the economy has made America’s appetite for sex go limp.” And Flynt said that Congress must “rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.” Meanwhile MSNBC reported in a separate story, that “trendy sex is over in 2009.” Writer Brian Alexander said trendy-sex is done because of over-kill. He says the erotic over-load has been especially heavy on the Internet where medium is mistaken for thought. He says a lot of sex on the Web is there simply because we can put it there. Once you get over the idea that the guy with the studded leather strap around his scrotum who is doing the ironing under his wife’s stern supervision looks suspiciously like your seventh-grade science teacher (Hi, Mr. Grunwald!), much of it just isn’t very interesting.

090112-hustler1“We are sold sex the way we are sold giant flat-screen TVs, computers and beer,” writes Alexander. “Sex is like Times Square, filled with Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin, and if you fly to Paris and walk down the Champs-Elysees you will find Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin. We live in a kitschy world. Sex has now been completely subsumed into it. As a result of such overkill, there’s an atmosphere of ennui seeping into ‘trendy’ sex. Porn companies are scaling back.”

FriendFinder Networks, the family of sex hookup sites that was purchased by Penthouse Media, has been losing millions and is at risk of going out of business. Edgier sex writers at publications like The Village Voice and Wired.com have quit or lost their jobs. Alexander says his prediction does not ratify a phony moral revival. The end of sex trendiness has a lot to do with the fact that efforts to enforce religion-based sexual conservatism are over, too, at least for now. Defiance helped animate the rise of sex trends. With less force pushing in, there will be less force pushing out. Neither does it mean we are about to stop having sex, or trying things new to us, nor will we stop needing solid information about sex or having fun exploring it. Rather, people are going to choose their own sexual paths but not talk about it so much. Some will choose abstinence until marriage and monogamy and intercourse strictly for procreation. Others will experiment and explore.

090112girlsgonewildWhere does that leave Flynt and Francis? Banging away at the federal trough and hoping Bill Clinton will put in a good word for them after having some fond memories of blue dresses casually stained in the Oval Office? Or maybe it’s just the publicity that they want — and are getting — that will encourage the free-loaders to start spending on their products? Either way they’ve raised their … um … voices, just like other tax paying firms looking for a hand-out — bankers, automobile companies, insurance companies, investment firms, and other players from major industries. And what the heck, they may get it. American’s just elected a first term Democrat Senator with no management experience who says he’s going to spend trillions of un-earned dollars for years into the future, so the economy will recover from all the bad spending habits of the Republicans.

Will the federal government write Larry Flynt a stimulus check? It doesn’t seem likely, but stranger things have happened.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Porn industry feeling pain as expo hits Vegas
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/jan/08/porn-industry-feeling-pain-expo-hits-vegas/

Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28545081/

Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28549145/

Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28541939

Note: Brian Alexander is the author of the book “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction,” now in paperback.

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Sell the Kids for Lipo, Buy Burger-Scented Cologne, and Trade your Fireworks for Sex

> Woman sells sons for $13,000 to fund liposuction
> Burger King announces new meat-scented cologne
> Italian women say no sex if husbands set off fireworks over Christmas

Inebriated Press
December 18, 2008

Fireworks or not?

Fireworks or not?

Fox News reported Sunday that a Belgian mother sold her newborn twins for $13,000 so she could pay for her liposuction – a fat removal procedure.  And the UK Telegraph reported yesterday on the newest in Christmas gift-giving: just in time to help you with that hard-to-shop-for person on your list, Burger King is offering flame-broiled-meat-scented cologne.  Meanwhile, United Press International reported that a group of women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season.  Pundits are debating the ethics of selling your children to fund cosmetic surgery, the attractiveness of smelling like fast food, and why Italian women resent men who blow stuff up for holiday fun.

“It is wrong for women to sell the kids for cash and deny sex to men who like explosives, but it is appropriate for men to smell like meat products as long as it’s not pork,” said Muhammad Hussein, a Middle Eastern patriot who murders infidels with impunity, thereby displaying his exemplary religious principles. “It is up to the men to decide if the children should be sold and whom or what to blow up for religious holidays or other occasions.  Women should know their place and remain subservient to men in sex and all things.  Israel and the West must be crushed in order to establish the holy Muslim Caliphate so al Qaeda and Taliban styled Sharia law will govern world-wide.  Only then can we solve the worlds many problems.  Now let’s go blow some stuff up.  My five wives will still have sex with me afterward.”

Sex or not?

Sex or not?

Not everyone agrees with Hussein.  “Jeeze Louise, Mabel, no one should be selling children for any purpose and although trading sex for fireworks sounds crazy, what the heck, you do what works,” said Heather Gramm-Cracker, a pale blonde actress who sells herself for various reasons, but tends to avoid children and the scent of fast food.  “And I wouldn’t buy anyone Burger King cologne, there’s nobody but maybe a big stock-holder who would want that.  And then only for scent-of-money reasons.  I don’t know about wearing scent-of-a-burger perfumes.  I like meat in many forms, but not for the smell.  I may be wild and crazy but smelling like meat is getting out there a bit too far even for me.”

Fox News reported that a mother in the Belgian tourist haven of Ghent has been accused by her estranged husband of selling her newborn twin boys for more than $13,000 to pay for cosmetic surgery. Marc Poppe, 48, told an undercover reporter for Dutch television that Sonia Ringoir, 31, had sold the babies to a friend to fund liposuction, the fat removal procedure. He said the couple had searched the Internet to find a quick way to make money: “It was financially attractive to us. Of course we wouldn’t do it for nothing.” Since Belgium has no law banning the sale of children, Ringoir was charged with “degrading treatment” of the twins. She was also charged with fraud after a Dutch couple alleged she had conned them by falsely offering to be a surrogate mother. If convicted, she could face between one month and five years in jail.

Before & After Selling the Kids

Before & After Selling the Kids

The Telegraph reported that the American fast-food chain Burger King, has come up with a novel Christmas gift idea for the meat-loving man who has everything: barbecue-scented cologne. Just in time for the festive season, the company has released its very own men’s body spray, Flame. Not recommended for vegetarians, Flame is being promoted as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”. Flame is on sale for the credit crunch-busting sum of just $3.99 (£2.65), suggesting the Burger King promotions department has realized their contribution to the fragrance market might work best as a novelty stocking-filler. Flame was launched this week in a selection of US stores and even has its own website, the appropriately named firemeetsdesire.com. The site proudly proclaims to prospective buyers: “The Whopper sandwich is America’s favorite burger,” before going on to extol the virtues of a perfume that smells like cooked meat.

United Press International reported that a group of more than 40 women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season. Dr. Vincenzo Sorrentino said the idea for the committee of women pledging to withhold sex came after years of injuries and deaths resulting from Christmastime fireworks. “We’ve tried everything to stop the mayhem caused by fireworks but we’ve never reached the results we hoped for,” Sorrentino said. “We decided to get women involved because they are more convincing and they always achieve their goals.” Carolina Staiano, 42, the head of the women’s committee, said her own father was seriously injured years ago by exploding fireworks. “So far we’ve had more than 30 women join up and we’re hoping for more,” she said Friday. “We’re fed up with these stupid annual massacres. This time they’re just going to have to choose: sex or fireworks.”

Scent of Meat

Scent of Meat

Some people say that sex and fireworks represent the essence of human nature and in many ways, of life itself.

“Aspects of procreation and abstract forms of violence make up the last million years of human history and each play a critical role in forming both civilization and the ongoing struggle of the human race against oppression and godless nature,” said an Inebriated reporter, quoting no one in particular and clinging to a bottle of Jack Daniels as though his life depended on it.  “Ever since Eden we’ve tried to be our own gods and have been screwing and blowing up shit with reckless abandon.  Maybe we should just slap on some meat scent and sit in a circle and wait for the bears to come.  On the other hand, trading fireworks for sex doesn’t sound too bad.  I just might try that.”

In other news, the Sydney Morning Herald has reported that forty-six percent of women who took part in an online research poll would rather go without sex for two weeks than give up access to the internet for the same period of time. Ninety-five per cent of those surveyed said it is “very important, important or somewhat important” to be able to access the internet. Sixty-five per cent rated internet access above other discretionary spending items such as cable television subscriptions (39 per cent), dining out (20 per cent), shopping for clothes (18 per cent) or a health club membership (10 per cent). No word on where liposuction and fireworks rank, but it’s a good bet that internet access will kick the ass of Burger King cologne, even if it does have “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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