Tag Archives: parody

Why men don’t write advice columns

Dear Walt,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor’s daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?


THE REPLY ***********************************

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,


Comments Off on Why men don’t write advice columns

Filed under Humor

Booby Traps, Money Saving Sex, and Muslim P.R.

Women with chloroform on their boobs knock out and rob men
Britons ‘saving money with sex’
Muslims worry about image after Mumbai terrorism

Inebriated Press
December 3, 2008

Thieving Cleavage

Thieving Cleavage

Agence France Presse reported last week that a gang of robbers in Uganda have been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious and rob them. And BBC News reported Monday that as the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time.  Meanwhile Associated Press reported Sunday that many Muslims say they are worried that the carnage in Mumbai, India, brought on by Islamic militants may cause people to have negative feelings about their religion. Some pundits are debating the benefits of sex to save money or acquire it, while others ponder the notion that Muslims could gain positive public relations if they’d just stop killing people they disagree with.

“You don’t have to give away sex as a religion to gain popularity, or even use sex as a come-on to get good publicity. In most cases, not killing innocent people indiscriminately in public will be perceived as a good thing,” said Ahem Bacon, a religious expert and former Muslim who was persecuted because of his last name.  “If mainstream Muslims will come out against the terroristic behavior of people in their faith — and that includes coming out against Hamas, Al Qaeda, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hezbollah, the PLO, the rioters who protested cartoons in Demark, plus the legions of other Muslim whacko’s like them — maybe infidels who want to live safe and quiet lives will think better of them.  Of course if they’d open a few ‘Arabian Knight Hot-Babe Harem’ strip clubs or offer money-saving sex it wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s probably a stretch.”

Mubai Attack

Mubai Attack

Not everyone agrees with Bacon.  “No one named Bacon carries any weight in the area of religion or Sharia law, and such talk should be banned, and such people who suggest a Muslim speak against another Muslim for any reason, should be beheaded as should all infidels, god willing,” said Musomad High-Top Lincoln-Logg, a fair weather friend and scholar often confused with a thug.  “There should be no talk of sex or breasts unless the Muslim elders offer female children to tribal leaders for such occasions, then its fine.  Our laws allow men to do whatever they want and require women to be subservient on all occasions.  This is gods’ way and we will religiously enforce that among our people and eventually upon all tolerant civilizations who must ultimately bend to our will.  The Taliban and Al Qaeda display the true way for us to follow, and with the help of Saudi money we will continue to expand across Europe and America until we have obtained the greatest peace for all, as civilization comes under our thumb.  No more boobies or money saving sex for you unless you’re a member of our clan!”

Associated Press reported that ten gunmen attacked 10 targets in the three-day assault including a Jewish community center and luxury hotels in India’s commercial hub. More than 170 people were killed. Muslims from the Middle East to Britain and Austria condemned the Mumbai shooting rampage by Islamic militants as senseless terrorism, but also found themselves on the defensive once again about bloodshed linked to their religion. Intellectuals and community leaders called for greater efforts to combat religious fanaticism. Indian police said Sunday that the only surviving gunman told them he belongs to the Pakistani militant group Lashkar-e-Taiba. The group is reported to have links with al-Qaida.

Muslim wrought carnage

Muslim wrought carnage

Many Muslims said they are worried such carnage is besmirching their religion. In Britain, home to nearly two million Muslims, a spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain, Inayat Bunglawala, said that “a handful of terrorists like this bring the entire faith into disrepute.” However, in Islamic Web forums, some praised the Mumbai attacks, including the targeting of Jews. A man identified as Sheik Youssef al-Ayeri said the killings are in line with Islam. In the Gaza Strip, the territory’s Islamic militant Hamas rulers declined comment. Hamas has carried out scores of suicide attacks in Israel, killing hundreds of civilians in recent years. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad referred to the attacks as terrorism, but added that the violence is rooted in “unjust policies.” The Saudi Press Agency said that it “strongly condemns and denounces this criminal act.” However, Jonathan Fighel, an Israeli counterterrorism expert, said Saudi organizations have been funneling money to Muslim militants in Kashmir. “This demonstrates exactly the double game and, I would say, the hypocrisy of the Saudi regime,” said Fighel.

Money saving technique

Money saving technique

BBC News reported that a YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping. The article said that as the credit crunch bites, Britons are turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time. The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes, compared with 35% in South England. Aids charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, which published the survey, also welcomed recent figures showing an increase in condom sales. Around one in 10 respondents to the survey, carried in November, said their favorite free activity was window shopping and 6% chose going to a museum as the cheapest way to pass the time. But the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list. 

Unsafe cleavage

Unsafe cleavage

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported that Uganda’s police are warning male bar-goers to be careful after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious. “They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP. “You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.” Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter. While early investigations suggest that the gang may consist of dozens of members, the source of the sedatives remains unknown.

Some people say that sex and sedatives are the best way to combat fear of Islamofascism.

“Our increasingly ‘progressive’ and ‘tolerant’ Western societies are bending over backwards to accommodate intolerant and hateful Muslim religion while suppressing traditional Christian-Judeo faiths and even use of the words ‘Merry Christmas’ during the holiday season; and since the U.S. has decided to move further to the left by electing Obama, I guess the best we can do now is have lots of cheap sex and take plenty of heavy sedatives to remain calm and relaxed,” said someone claiming to be Doctor Joyce Brothers, an old pop psychologist drug out for all occasions.  “So forget being afraid and embrace a new fearless lifestyle, heck forget worrying about safe sex or radical Muslims and all the rest. They’re just alternative life-styles. We really should be more tolerant you know.  What’s a few beheadings, public massacres or a couple of STD’s?  No worries mate. Get it on.”

Dr Groper

Dr Groper

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported that Dr Parag Bhatt, 44, fondled the breasts of six female patients at his surgery over a five-month period, a court has heard. One woman went in with a suspected broken finger and had her breast massaged, while the GP groped another patient with one hand as he worked on a computer, it was alleged. One complainant was a 17-year-old who had dry skin around her nipple. Bhatt told her to take her bra off and lie on the couch. He started to play with her breasts with his fingers around her nipples and was breathing heavily. The doctor was arrested on October 4 last year. The hearing continues. No word on whether other doctors feel Bhatt may be hurting the image of their profession, but reports out of the mammography wing indicate plenty of boob pressing and grabbing is still going on unabated.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Booby Traps, Money Saving Sex, and Muslim P.R.

Filed under Humor, IP News, NEWS

Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton, New Obama Molls

Hillary eager to be part of Obama’s “adventure”
Lewinsky may join Obama administration; “honored by the opportunity”
Everything old is new again!


Inebriated Press
December 2, 2008

Team Players?

Team Players?

U.S. president-elect Barack Obama continued building his “team of rivals” by adding both of former president Bill Clinton’s Oral-Oval-Office sex-kittens to his administration.  CNN reported yesterday that Bill’s wife, U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton, is joining Obama’s national security team as secretary of state.  In accepting the offer Ms. Clinton said she wanted to be part of the “greatest adventure of our century.” And Yahoo! News reported last week that the Obama transition team is mulling a role for Monica Lewinsky in the new administration, and reportedly senior advisor David Axelrod likes the idea, but chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel doesn’t.  Bill Clinton lied to a Grand Jury about sexual adventures with Ms. Lewinsky during his presidency, and these led to his impeachment hearings.  Pundits are debating what kind of “great adventure” Barack and his buddies have in mind for the Obama-Oral-Oval Office.

“All work and no play makes Barack a dull boy,” said Helga Monroe-Marilyn, a professional weight-lifter and part-time sex kitten, whose simultaneous dumb-bell and stripper-pole work is legendary down at Bobs’ Jiffy Lube and Strip Club. “Barack is a student of presidential administrations and he knows that President Lincoln’s ‘team of rivals’  made for some really interesting encounters during the Civil War, and that whenever Bill Clinton got Hillary and Monica in the same room to discuss sex and foreign policy, he had some of the most stimulating conversations – and other stuff – in his entire life.  Barack is smart enough to have learned from the two great former presidents and is fashioning his own Oval Office adventures by putting both pieces of ass, I mean both professional women, into key roles.” 

Adventurous Monica

Adventurous Monica

Not everyone sees it the way Monroe-Marilyn does.  “The guy’s playing with fire and if he’s not careful he’s going to get burned, and burned badly,” said someone claiming to be Leon Panetta, Bill Clinton’s former White House chief of staff; a man known for taking cover under Bill’s desk during various ‘adventures’. “Obama may have dodged the Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers and Tony Rezko shrapnel when those adventures took a bad turn, but he’s never toyed with the affections and aggression hard-wired into Hillary and Monica.  You can say he’ll handle them because he can get along with his hard-ass wife Michelle, but that’s only because she never suspected him of screwing around at work.  This is going to be different.  Obama is surrounding himself with way too many former Clinton administration people, and now even with the women Clinton was sexually involved with.  I guess Obama likes the high-wire act, but if he’s not careful these people will eat him alive.  And I mean that on all kinds of levels, and not all of them good.”

CNN reported that Senator Hillary Clinton decided to join her one-time rival’s team because she wanted to be part of the “greatest adventure of our century,” she said Monday after President-elect Barack Obama named her as his nominee for secretary of state. Clinton said she would work to restore America’s position as “a force for positive change” in the world. During the news conference, Obama called Clinton a woman of “extraordinary intelligence and toughness” who will “command respect in every capital.” In a statement, President Clinton said he was “deeply proud” that Obama has chosen his wife to be secretary of state.

081202-time-bill-monicaYahoo! News reported that President-Elect Barack Obama’s transition team is reported to be deeply divided over whether to offer a post to Monica Lewinsky, the former White House Intern whose intimate relationship with President Bill Clinton led to his impeachment. One group, which includes David Axelrod, Mr. Obama’s campaign manager who has been named his senior advisor, favors the move to balance the influence of the Clinton-era policy people by adding someone with a different perspective. A second faction led by Mr. Obama’s Chief-of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, is bitterly opposed believing that a Lewinsky appointment would needlessly antagonize the Clintons and their supporters. Before being elected to Congress, Mr. Emanuel served as a senior advisor to President Clinton.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, Mr. Obama’s choice for Secretary of Commerce, said that Lewinsky was “a fresh face” with “a lot to offer.” Former South Dakota Senator Tom Daschle, who is expected to be nominated as Secretary of Health and Human Services, said that Miss Lewinsky’s presence in the White House would be “a huge distraction.” Monica Lewinsky was not available for comment. Through her attorney, William Ginsburg, she released a statement, which read, in part, “I am honored and humbled by the opportunity to serve my country again at this crucial juncture in our history.”

Some people say that service to ones country can take many forms, and sometimes the more of them, the better.

081202-hillary_clinton_cleavage“I heard that Monica has a master’s in Social Psychology now from the London School of Economics, so she can talk both econ and blow jobs using a combination of theory and experience,” said a passerby who refused to be identified for no particular reason.  “When you add Hillary’s relationship with Bill at all levels – sexual and policy — and then put these two women in the same room, Barack will be able to converse at the highest levels of economics, foreign policy and sex — traditional and extra marital.  Who wouldn’t want that opportunity if they were running the White House?  This Barack, he really is a genius, no doubt about it – that is if he doesn’t get his nuts cut off in some argument with them.  I hear Hillary still carries Bill’s balls in her purse after his Lewinsky affair.  What the hell.  Any guy who’ll sit down unconditionally with Iran’s Ahmadinejad must think he’s quick enough to protect his nad’s when the going gets rough.  More power to ‘em.”

In other news, the Associated Press reported last week that experts are encouraging people to take naps without guilt.  They say that taking a nap may boost a sophisticated kind of memory that helps us see the big picture and get creative. “Not only do we need to remember to sleep, but most certainly we sleep to remember,” is how Dr. William Fishbein, a cognitive neuroscientist at the City University of New York, put it at a meeting of the Society for Neuroscience last week. Fishbein says our brains keep working during naps and use the time to solve problems and come up with new ideas. No word on how many naps resulted in Obama’s decision to sign up both Hillary and Monica, but some people suspect he’s still asleep and they’re hoping to wake up from the dream themselves.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton, New Obama Molls

Filed under Humor, IP News

Happy Thanksgiving!


Comments Off on Happy Thanksgiving!

Filed under Humor, IP Toons

Swedish Witches, Skinny Models and Princess for a Day

Witches help lift Sweden’s job loss curse
Skinny models are a ‘turn off’ in advertising, claim scientists
Japan’s Latest Fashion Has Women Playing Princess for a Day

Inebriated Press
November 25, 2008

081125witchesofswedenSweden’s The Local reported last week that despite a slow economy, Häxriket i Norden is looking to hire 20 new witches for work around the country.  And the UK Telegraph reported researchers have found that skinny models are a turn off to consumers.  Meanwhile, The Wall Street Journal reported that the latest trend in Japan has women playing “princess for a day,” as more Japanese women aim to look like sugarcoated, 21st-century versions of old-style European royalty. Pundits wonder what the hell is going on as brains go topsey turvey along with the global economy.

“It seems pretty obvious that we’ve lost our asses financially — at least based on all the bailouts and my 401k — and it’s looking pretty obvious that we’ve lost our minds as well, at least based on reports in the major media about how folks are behaving nowadays,” said Roger Reddy-Maebee, a professional manager who tries to be prepared for anything, but has been struggling mightily in the current U.S. business climate.  “Employment for witches is climbing while jobs in finance and manufacturing are falling; skinny chicks are turning off people in a culture weighed down by obesity, and typically understated and demure Asian women are dressing like over-the-top European princesses.  I guess if you don’t know which way to turn, you spin in circles until you’re dizzy and then start doing goofy stuff.  I don’t know whether to laugh and call it fun or shit and go blind.  I guess I don’t know what to do myself.”

Not everyone is worried by the current trends in finance or society.  “In times of duress you need to take action that is different than what they have been, in order to establish a new equilibrium in both society and finance,” said Fred Linda Biswitch, the secret cross-dressing CEO of a major U.S. corporation, currently trying to be all things to everyone as long as they can get more government bailout cash.  “Normally I’m a capitalist in the most rigorist sense and I don’t give a rip about anyone and want to crush all competition by being dominant across all service categories.  Today I have a new outlook for our financial service company and understand how critical its existence is to workers and poor bastards who have invested their life’s savings in our organization, and I know that the federal government must bail us out for the good of all humankind.  That and I haven’t received all ten million in bonus cash I’ve got coming to me for the great job I’ve been doing.  Like my chiffon top?  You don’t see many that look like a Dallas Cowboys jersey do you?”

The Local reported that an enterprising Swedish company seeking to hire 20 witches has provided a welcome break in the country’s otherwise steady flow of dismal employment news. Häxriket i Norden, based in Åhus in southern Sweden, is currently seeking to place five witches each in four separate locations around the country, the Skånska Dagbladet newspaper reports. According to the company’s advertisement on a listing maintained by Sweden’s Public Employment Agency, qualified candidates should be well-versed in “contact with the other side, runes, tarots, crystals, herbs, rituals, exorcism, meditation, personal coaching, and more”.

Skinny bitches carry no weight

Skinny bitches carry no weight

The Telegraph reported that researchers have found that skinny models are actually a turn off to consumers in TV commercials and other advertising. In the study psychologist Phillippa Diedrichs, of the University of Queensland, Australia, created a series of ads for underwear, shampoo and a party dress. Researchers found that images of super-thin models carry no edge in encouraging young women to buy and for the majority of adult women ads showing skinny girls actually discouraged sales. So-called plus-size models, on the other hand, actually encouraged them to buy.

The Wall Street Journal reported that when Mayumi Yamamoto goes out for coffee or window shopping, she likes to look as though she’s going to a formal garden party. One day recently, she was decked out in a frilly, rose-patterned dress, matching pink heels with a ribbon and a huge pink bow atop her long hair, dyed brown and in pre-Raphaelite curls. Ms. Yamamoto is a hime gyaru, or princess girl, a growing new tribe of Japanese women who aim to look like sugarcoated, 21st-century versions of old-style European royalty. They idolize Marie Antoinette and Paris Hilton, for her baby-doll looks and princess lifestyle. They speak in soft, chirpy voices and flock to specialized boutiques with names like Jesus Diamante, which looks like a bedroom in a European chateau. There, some hime girls spend more than $1,000 for an outfit including a satin dress, parasol and rhinestone-studded handbag. The princess boom is seen as a more polished and sophisticated look that’s popular among working women in their 20s and 30s, perhaps as a bit of escapism from workaday stress and economic uncertainty.

Hime Gyaru in Japan

Hime Gyaru in Japan

Some people say that if pretending you’re a princess or Swedish witch makes you feel good about current financial trends and helps you forget about Somoli pirates, Al Qaeda and your 401k, then have at it.

“The day after we elected a first-term Senator and community organizer the president of the United States, I was feeling pretty glum, but then I started dressing like a princess and signed up to be a Swedish witch.  Damn I feel good about myself now,” said Betty “Ursula” Bombaske, a former senior investment advisor at a major U.S. firm, now juggling cash and debt the way Bill Clinton does reality.  “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing but what’s new about that?  At least the transition from my work in finance to witchcraft was smooth.  And I’m still hot.  At least I feel that way about myself and in this market that’s about the best you can hope for.”

Walter Mayer no lightweight

Walter Mayer no lightweight

In other news, Australia’s News Limited reported Friday, that a 61-year-old Northern Territory man stood naked in his back yard and bravely used a garden hose to fight off a teenage intruder.  Walter Mayer was having a shower at his Tennant Creek home when he heard his roof being pelted with rocks. When he raced out to see what it was, he could hear his back screen door being rattled. He grabbed his garden hose and sprayed the intruder, and when the 20m-long hose could not be extended any longer, he chased the youth down the street in nothing but his birthday suit. Mr. Mayer – a fit and healthy TV repairman – said his actions were not brave. “It was quite foolish when you sit and think about it now,” he said. No word on whether he thinks dressing like a European princess or pretending you’re a Swedish witch is foolish, but in today’s world I guess you do what works for you.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Swedish Witches, Skinny Models and Princess for a Day

Filed under Humor, IP News

The Real Bailout Problem


Comments Off on The Real Bailout Problem

Filed under IP Toons

An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away

Sunday Mirror
Jun 11, 2000

Add years to your life

Add years to your life

STARING at women’s breasts is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new survey reveals.

Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.

A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.

Dr Karen Weatherby, who carried out the German study, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout.

“Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation.

“There is no question that gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

“Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half.

“We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

She added that sexy stars like Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore had proved to be especially good for the men’s health.


Comments Off on An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away

Filed under Humor, IP News