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China attacks Space Shuttle; Pelosi says CIA Lied to Congress; and Boy Scouts train to Fight Terrorists

> Shuttle Atlantis dodges Chinese anti-missile Material
> House Speaker Pelosi says CIA lied to Congress
> Boy Scouts of America training Children to fight Terrorists, combat Border Violence

Inebriated Press
May 18, 2009

Explorer Team, Boy Scouts of America

Explorer Team, Boy Scouts of America

SPACE.com reported last Wednesday that Chinese anti-satellite space junk zoomed past the shuttle Atlantis and the attached Hubble Space Telescope, narrowly missing them. And ABC News reported Thursday that U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, D-California, accused the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) of lying to Congress about enhanced interrogation techniques.  Meanwhile, The New York Times reported Wednesday that the Boy Scouts of America is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence.  Pundits are debating how best to defend against attacks in space, in Congress and on the US-Mexican border.

Harlequin Romance-Softcover or reasonable facsimile

Harlequin Romance-Softcover or reasonable facsimile

“Last November 52.9% of Americans lost their minds and elected as president a community organizer with no governing or management experience, to lead the USA against terrorism, economic challenges and to work with nations who eye us with both good and bad intent.  Thank god the Boy Scouts have their shit together and are planning to defend the country against increased terrorist attacks, Mexican border violence and Chinese anti-missile space defense.  At least they have training, experience, and know how to take action,” said Harlequin Romance-Softcover, a hot blonde paralegal whose intentions can often be read like a book.  “And as far as Pelosi’s claims that the CIA lied to Congress over enhanced interrogation techniques, here’s how I see it: the CIA is in the business of spying, not lying; while Congress and Pelosi in particular, have turned lying into an art form.  The great trifecta of Obama, Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), are Politian’s whose phrases are steeped in falsehood and innuendo.  I’ll take CIA’s word over theirs any day.  Ask any Boy Scout, they’ll back me up.”

Some guy

Some guy

Not everyone agrees with Romance-Softcover.  “Conservatives are a bunch of Boy-Scout-do-gooders always screwing around — helping old ladies across the street, promoting personal responsibility and self reliance and bullshit like that.  Anyone who knows anything understands that the government is here to take care of us if we just do whatever it says.  And after the Obama Apology Tour of 2009, all nations and peoples now love and respect the US, so there’s no war on terror, no more border problems and China holds so much of our debt that they have to like us,” said Nimm Rodd-Dimm, an Obama government appointee with an undisclosed job description and IQ.  “And of course the CIA lied.  Nancy Pelosi is as solid as the California budget — she is from Berkeley you know — and we can always count on her to tell us what we need to know, when we need to know it, and then explain what it’s supposed to mean.  She doesn’t make all those coast-to-coast air-flights costing hundreds of thousands of dollars, just because she enjoys flying and being a big shot you know.  It’s so she can check out the CIA from the air and keep an eye on them.  She knows about this stuff.  Ask anyone from Code Pink, they’ll back me up.”

Shuttle & Hubble: no Chinese for us please

Shuttle & Hubble: no Chinese for us please

SPACE.com reported that NASA on Wednesday tracked a piece of space junk leftover from a Chinese anti-satellite test in 2007 that zoomed past the shuttle Atlantis and the attached Hubble Space Telescope, which astronauts plucked from orbit earlier in the day. The satellite debris flew about 1.7 miles (2.8 km) ahead and a bit below Atlantis.  The debris was about 492 feet (150 meters) below and just over 2.4 miles (4 km) outside the shuttle’s orbital plane. Earlier Wednesday, they used the shuttle’s robotic arm to grab Hubble and secure it in their cargo bay so it can be upgraded and repaired. Atlantis and Hubble are currently flying about 350 miles (653 km) above Earth in an orbit that has a higher risk of space debris hits, in part because of the Chinese anti-satellite test, in which China intentionally destroyed the weather satellite Fengyun 1C in 2007. The risk of a piece of space junk seriously damaging Atlantis is about a 1-in-229 chance in its current orbit. In the event that the Atlantis suffers a serious strike and cannot return to Earth, NASA has primed the shuttle Endeavour to launch a rescue mission to retrieve the stranded astronauts.

Pelosi

Pelosi

ABC News reported that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., accused CIA briefers on Thursday of lying to her and other lawmakers about the use of enhanced interrogation techniques, such as waterboarding, and said she had only been informed of their use five months later. A report released last week directly contradicted Pelosi’s recollections of the briefing. The Director of National Intelligence’s report indicated that the speaker was in fact briefed about such techniques including waterboarding, an interrogation tactic that simulates drowning. The DNI report said then-House intelligence Chairman Porter Goss, Pelosi — who was the top Democrat on the House intelligence committee — and two aides were told about “the particular EITs that had been employed” on terror suspect Abu Zubaydah.  Pelosi’s remarks that such statements are lies provoked a stern reaction from Republican lawmakers. “It’s outrageous that a member of Congress should call a terror-fighter a liar,” said Sen. Kit Bond, R-Mo., the vice chairman of the Senate intelligence committee. “It seems the playbook is, blame terror-fighters. We ought to be supporting them.”

It's about honor, character, doing what's right

It's about honor, character, doing what's right

The New York Times reported that the Explorers program, a coeducational affiliate of the Boy Scouts of America that began 60 years ago, is training thousands of young people in skills used to confront terrorism, illegal immigration and escalating border violence — an intense ratcheting up of one of the group’s longtime missions to prepare youths for more traditional jobs as police officers and firefighters. “This is about being a true-blooded American guy and girl,” said A. J. Lowenthal, a sheriff’s deputy in Imperial County California, whose life clock, he says, is set around the Explorers events he helps run. “It fits right in with the honor and bravery of the Boy Scouts.”

Explorer training, which leaders say is not intended to be applied outside the simulated Explorer setting, can involve chasing down illegal border crossers as well as more dangerous situations that include facing down terrorists and taking out “active shooters,” like those who bring gunfire and death to college campuses. In a simulation here of a raid on a marijuana field, several Explorers were instructed on how to quiet an obstreperous lookout. “Put him on his face and put a knee in his back,” a Border Patrol agent explained. “I guarantee that he’ll shut up.” Membership in the Explorers has been overseen since 1998 by an affiliate of the Boy Scouts called Learning for Life, which offers 12 career-related programs, including those focused on aviation, medicine and the sciences.

Some people say that a knee in the back is occasionally more important than a pat on the back.

Typical bunch of Inebriated Press columnists at staff meeting

Typical bunch of Inebriated Press columnists at staff meeting

“You can’t coddle terrorists, college campus shooters, border smugglers or liberals on parade,” said an Inebriated columnist, drifting past our table at the Ham Hock and Hollyhock Club on the way to the john.  “You have to kick their ass and bring them down before they do the same to you.  Liberals think they can help the terrorists self esteem by bending over backwards and letting them screw us and our country, and that they’ll like us better then.  That’s bullshit; they don’t care about anyone but themselves, and will screw us over if we let them.  If they’re doing crazy stuff because they’re psychologically messed up, they’re messed up, and nothing we’re going to do will change that.  If they get in our face, we take them down.  It’s not how I want it, but its reality, and we’re all ahead if we see things the way they really are, and do what we have to do. And speaking of that, where’s the damn toilet, I got stuff I need to do and by damn I intend to do it.”

Chinese prostitutes in need of U.S. study

Chinese prostitutes in need of U.S. study

In other news, ChattahBox reported last Wednesday that the United States will be conducting a $2.6 million dollar study in China, in an attempt to teach prostitutes in the area to drink less on the job. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse (NIAA) believes it is important to stave off the rampant alcoholism that permeates the female sex industry, in an attempt to allow more accountability within a rather dangerous trade. According to the mission statement released by the NIAA, the study proposes “to develop, implement, and evaluate a venue-based alcohol use and HIV risk reduction intervention focusing on both environmental and individual factors among venue-based FSWs (Female Sex Workers) in China.”  No word on why it’s better to cut the U.S. defense budget so we can spend $2.6 million American taxpayer dollars on the drinking habits of Chinese hookers, but then maybe I don’t understand because I’m more like a Boy Scout than a politician, and my appreciation for personal responsibility and self reliance has my value system all messed up.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Chinese Space Junk Buzzes Shuttle, Hubble Telescope
http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20090514/sc_space/chinesespacejunkbuzzesshuttlehubbletelescope

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: CIA Lied to Me
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=7586530&page=1

Scouts Train to Fight Terrorists, and More
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/14/us/14explorers.html?_r=3&hp

US To Pay $2.6 Million For Chinese Prostitution Study
http://chattahbox.com/world/2009/05/13/us-to-pay-26-million-to-chinese-prostitution-study/

United States presidential election, 2008 [Obama=52.9%, McCain=45.7%]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_presidential_election,_2008

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Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

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No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

> CIA to decommission all waterboarding sites
> Nevada drops proposed $5 sex tax
> Funeral home sued after black man switched for white woman

Inebriated Press
April 13, 2009

Bunny RanchThe Boston Globe reported Friday that the CIA has announced it is decommissioning all “black sites” where terrorism suspects were questioned and three were waterboarded.  And Associated Press reported Friday that the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee has voted down a proposal to levy a $5 tax on legal and illegal sex acts in the State.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle reported last Wednesday that a family is suing a funeral home after it mixed up the body of their black relative and switched it with a white woman.  Pundits say that the Obama European Tour has completed the solution to all the world’s problems and now there are no terrorists to question, no need to tax sex, and no need for affirmative action because no one can tell the difference between black and white.

Someone named Monica

Someone named Monica

“With the Obama Administrations official announcement that there will no longer be references to a ‘war on terror’ and the presidents bowing and scraping before the Saudi King, and U.S. willingness to let Iran go nuclear now, there is no need to have facilities where we ask people suspected as terrorists any questions,” said Monica Maidrite-Playtex, a community organizer and activist, currently the senior advisor to the U.S. Department of Defense.  “There are no terrorists; Barack has declared it so.  As far as the sex tax goes, I think the government should control access to sex and probably require a tax to fund an oversight board to regulate it, but at this point it’s more important that we simply control access to healthcare entirely.  Regarding the confusion between a black man and white woman, this is simply an example of the progress Barack has made since being in office.  This sort of thing didn’t happen while Bush was president because he was so polarizing; he is to blame for everything wrong with America.  Thank god he’s back in Texas.”

Someone named Jean

Someone named Jean

Not everyone agrees with Maidrite-Platex.  “Just because someone declares that there is no war with terrorists doesn’t make it so; there are still plenty of Islamofascists plotting to kill Americans.  The world won’t be safer when Iran has a nuke.  And just because the U.S. put a budget guy in charge of CIA doesn’t mean the intelligence agency is better at it’s job,” said Jean Denim-Blu, a Hooters waitress who moonlights as an aluminum welder at the Metallic Owl and Strip Club.  “As far as the black guy confused with a white woman goes, it just shows you that it’s time to drop special funding for affirmative action and get on with living together.  We have a black president, the head of the Republican party is black, Oprah is the richest and most powerful woman in the world, Tiger Woods is the worlds best golfer, the best female tennis players are black, the fastest race car driver in the world is black, the NFL superbowl winning coach is black, the fastest human in the world is black.  It’s time to let this affirmative action shit go.  And sex should never be taxed.  That’s counter intuitive, it’s the best stimulus the world’s got, let it alone for crying out loud.”

Click for larger pic

Click for larger pic

The Boston Globe reported that the CIA will decommission the infamous “black sites” where terrorism suspects were interrogated with harsh techniques that included waterboarding, agency director Leon Panetta said yesterday. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that he had informed Congress of the CIA’s detention policies following an order by President Obama in January banning harsh interrogations and ordering that the secret detention sites be closed. Panetta said that from now on the CIA would use “a dialog style of questioning”. 

Under the Bush administration three terrorists were waterboarded and officials said key information was obtained that resulted in the lives of thousands of Americans being saved from the prevention of planned terrorist attacks.

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Associated Press reported that a proposal to levy a $5 tax on sex acts in Nevada has died in a state Senate committee. The 3-4 vote Thursday in the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee was one shy of the four needed to keep the proposal afloat. Committee Chairman Bob Coffin, the Las Vegas Democrat who sponsored the bill, says the state is desperate for revenue and has not collected taxes from prostitution since it was legalized in some rural counties more than 30 years ago. Sen. Mike McGinness, a Republican from Fallon who voted against the tax, says he wouldn’t support a new tax on services. Coffin has estimated the tax would’ve raised at least $2 million a year. Nevada is facing a more than $2.8 billion revenue shortfall.

White woman

White woman

The Houston Chronicle reported that seven siblings sued the funeral home that handles Harris County’s indigent burials for cremating their father’s body instead of preparing it for a funeral as they had requested. The 91-year-old black man’s body was mixed up with the body of a white woman that was supposed to be cremated, according to the lawsuit. Both bodies were being handled through the county’s indigent burial program. The lawsuit filed by Fred Woods’ children seeks $2.7 million in damages from Carnes Funeral Home and Cremate Texas, both of which are owned by funeral director Jay Carnes. It alleges the negligence of the funeral home and crematory caused a host of physical and mental problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, anguish and humiliation.

Some people say that decommissioning “black sites”, voting down a sex tax proposed by a guy named “Coffin”, coupled with the funeral home problem with a “black man” all indicates that America continues to have serious issues with color and taxation.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

“The term ‘black site’ as a place for terrorists and the black and white funeral-home problem and the Senator Coffin guy, all this is twisted shit designed by white people to put down the black man and put negative connotations on people of color everywhere,” said a passing drunk who stumbled into the Inebriated office and was instantly hired as an Op-Ed columnist.  “We’ve made progress, that’s true, because we’re damned good and have won our way up.  But bullshit prejudice still needs to be fought and affirmative action is needed to help offset the crap that still goes on.  But it doesn’t need to be funded by mandatory taxation from income.  A nationwide sex tax would easily cover the affirmative action costs, and it would be better because sex is voluntary.  People will be okay with spending a few bucks for sex when they want to have it.  Think about the benefits of that kind of program.  Each time some people have sex they’re helping strengthen society and giving some minority an education and lifting them out of poverty and giving them a chance.  Kind of makes you want to have sex for all kinds of reasons.  Makes prostitutes more like social workers than they already are.”

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

In other news, Reuters reported last Tuesday that human females may get offended at dates who expect sex after they buy them a steak dinner, but for chimpanzees, the exchange may be a fair one, German researchers reported. They found that female chimpanzees mate more frequently with males who often share meat with them. “Our results strongly suggest that wild chimpanzees exchange meat for sex, and do so on a long-term basis,” Cristina Gomes of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany said in a statement. “Males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success, whereas females, who had difficulty obtaining meat on their own, increased their caloric intake without suffering the energetic costs and potential risk of injury related to hunting.” No word on how the chimps feel about a sex tax but so far none have been confused with either black men or white women.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

CIA will decommission detention ‘black sites’
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2009/04/10/cia_will_decommission_detention_black_sites/

No sex tax in Nevada
http://www.wbbm780.com/No-sex-tax-in-Nevada/4180028

Suit over father’s cremation seeks $2.7 million
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6365252.html

For chimps, candy is dandy but steak is quicker
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090408/sc_nm/us_chimps_dinner_1

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Lingering eyes, Too much Saving, and $5 Prostitution Taxes

> Men’s Interest in Women can be Measured by the Length of their Gaze
> American’s are Saving Too Much, Playing Too Little
> Nevada Considers Taxing Legal and Illegal Prostitution $5 per Turn

Inebriated Press
March 27, 2009

Play, Pay, Lay

Play, Pay, Lay

The Daily Mail reported Wednesday that a new study shows that if a man thinks a woman is attractive he looks into her eyes longer.  And MyFoxDC reported Wednesday that with the economy struggling, people are doing everything they can to save money and are having too little fun.  Consumer psychologists call it “saver’s remorse”.  Meanwhile, a Nevada Senator has proposed a tax on legal and illegal prostitution amounting to $5 per session.  He thinks the State will take in an additional $2 million per year.  Some pundits say that in order to stimulate the economy, and to encourage entreuprenurship and taxpayer spending, all prostitution should be legal and untaxed.

Someone named Lexi

Someone named Lexi

“I know a lot of guys who have been staring into the eyes of women but are afraid of making a move because it may lead to a relationship that they can’t afford in this economy, so they’re saving their money, staying home and not having any fun.  And adding a hooker tax isn’t going to help encourage them to take up any short-term deals, because it’ll just cost more money; it’s an economic disincentive,” said Lexi Rae-Powerwash, a smok’n brunette firefighter known to throw off as much heat as the fires she puts out.  “Now if Nevada is serious about generating new tax dollars they’ll cut tax rates, regulate the health of the women — maybe offer a certification program that’s better than competing states so they can differentate the quality of their hookers — and then encourage the expansion of new business enterprise by subsidizing volume discounting.  I can imagine the slogan now, ‘Nevada Gold-Certified Hookers: More Tits and Ass, Fewer STD’s; and Now, Every Fifth Turn is Free’.  It’ll sell I’m telling you.”

Someone named Jon

Someone named Jon

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Powerwash.  “I think it’s wrong to focus on stimulating the economy by encouraging more prostitution regardless the certified health claims.  If the federal government would cut taxes and reduce wasteful spending across the board, all business and entrepreneurship would be encouraged, and guys would have more money and the confidence to get into long term relationships, rather than just looking for a quick bang with modest taxation,” said Jon Rinsefre, staring into the eyes of Lexi Rae-Powerwash for a good thirty seconds without blinking.  “The Obama administration needs to quit spending trillions of tax dollars on crazy shit, screwing the economy and frightening people with money from spending.  If Obama would start shrinking the federal government and cut back on spending, people would relax and start spending more money, screw each other the right way, and stimulate themselves and the economy.  Hell, it’s the American way, enough of this socialist shit.”

Glancing at her ... eyes?

Glancing at her ... eyes?

The Daily Mail reported that researchers reporting in the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior” say that if a man’s glance into a woman’s eyes lasts longer than 8.2 seconds, he’s interested.  If a man’s gaze is more like four seconds, research suggests he is less than impressed. Hidden cameras secretly tracked the eye movements of 115 students as they chatted with actors and actresses. They were then asked to rate their conversation partner’s attractiveness. The men looked into the eyes of actresses they considered beautiful for an average of 8.2 seconds, but that dropped to 4.5 seconds when gazing at those they rated less attractive. The female students, however, did not differ in the amount of time they spent looking at the actors. The researchers believe that men use eye contact to seek out fit and fertile mates. But women are more wary of attracting unwanted attention because of the risks of unwanted pregnancy and single parenthood.
 
MyFoxDc reported that with the economy stuck in a downward spiral, most people are doing everything they can to save money. But is it possible to be too frugal? There is the belief that if you don’t take any chances and spend some money, you risk regretting that you didn’t have a little more fun while you had the chance. Consumer psychologists say that saver’s remorse is a real condition. The theory is that people are so obsessed with preparing for the future that they can’t enjoy the present, and end up looking back with regret on all their lost opportunities for fun. 

Home of the $5 tax?

Home of the $5 tax?

Psychologists say that splurging on big ticket items or a vacation can produce immediate buyer’s remorse, but over the long term, people regret not having enough fun, not traveling and not spending money rather than not saving enough. “People feel guilty about hedonism right afterwards, but as time passes the guilt dissipates,” says Dr. Ran Kivetz, a professor of marketing at the Columbia Business School. “At some point there’s a reversal, and what builds up is this wistful feeling of missing out on life’s pleasures.” Experts also say that balancing enough “play” time with work is important to relieve stress, especially during these difficult economic times.

Too little product differentiation?

Too little product differentiation?

The Las Vegas Sun reported Monday that Senator Bob Coffin, D-Las Vegas, proposed a tax on prostitution that he says could raise $2 million a year for the state. Patrons of prostitutes — both legal and illegal — would pay an extra $5 tax per session under the bill, which Coffin said was his idea alone. Coffin said he had considered applying the state’s live entertainment tax to prostitution, but encountered some constitutional questions. There are eight “major” brothels in the rural counties, where they are legal, and 17 smaller houses of prostitution, according to George Flint, a spokesman for the state’s brothel industry. The minimum charges range from $100 to $200. Asked how the state could collect the tax from the independent street walkers, Senator Coffin said that the business tax, when first imposed, wasn’t collected from all of those who were required to pay it. As a new tax, the bill would require a two-thirds vote for passage.

In other news, WMAR-TV Baltimore reported that an Italian doctor completed a brain operation despite having a heart attack after realizing his patient would never recover if he stopped the surgery. Surgeon Claudio Vitale started feeling pains in his chest half way through the operation but refused to stop despite his team’s urging and the pain worsening.  After finishing the surgery, the doctor had an angioplasty operation to treat his attack.  Vitale insists he’s not a hero, but that he couldn’t leave the patient “at such a delicate moment.” Both doctor and patient are recovering.  No word on why Obama keeps bleeding American taxpayers while claiming to be repairing their financial vitality, but since he doesn’t look them in the eye for very long, perhaps it’s all about him and not about them.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

The look of love? Only if you manage a glance that lasts longer than 8.2 seconds
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1164600/The-look-love-Only-manage-glance-lasts-longer-8-2-seconds.html

Too Much Saving, Not Enough Playing
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/dpgo_Too_Much_Saving_Not_Enough_Playing_mb_032420092311217

Proposed bill would tax prostitution at $5 per session
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/mar/23/proposed-bill-would-tax-prostitution-5-session/

Walk it off, it’s only a heart attack
http://www.abc2news.com/entertainment/weirdnews/story/Walk-it-off-its-only-a-heart-attack/P0JFQIIQ_0WH5a9uOIh2rA.cspx

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Teacher cuts Class for Prostitution, Dutch fear loss of Porn Archive, and Pam Anderson now living in Mobile Home

> Fourth-grade teacher had side job as prostitute
> Dutch city pornography archive missing
> Former ‘Baywatch’ star living in mobile home with new lover

Inebriated Press
February 16, 2009

090216-teacher-b-wAssociated Press reported last week that an Ohio fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class for trysts.  And Associated Press also reported last week that the Dutch city of Leeuwarden is missing its porn archive, and officials fear it may be gone for good.  Meanwhile, BANG Media reported that Pamela Anderson has moved into her electrician boyfriend’s trailer and is living there with her sons, Brandon and Dylan.  Pundits are debating why the public is confused about the sophisticated logic behind hooker-school-teachers, the porn collections of cities, and hot babes who prefer living in trailer-houses rather than multi-million dollar mansions.

“Some of the general public, who for reasons unknown, continue to cling to vestiges of common sense and aspects of old-school logic are surprised and confused when they hear that grade-school teachers are also hookers, and that most cities keep porn collections and that famous actresses would rather live in sleazy cracker-box-sized trailers than in massive plush mansions.  That kind of mental discord is one of the reasons the U.S. desperately needs nationalized healthcare,” said someone claiming to be Barack Obama, a community organizer who recently began reorganizing the community known as the United States of America by proposing a ‘stimulus package’ containing provisions that will fundamentally change the foundation of the country and provide him the freedom to reinterpret the U.S. constitution through the use of Executive Orders.  “Teachers shouldn’t have to hook on the side to make ends meet, but they also shouldn’t have to give sex away to their students for free.  Part of my new healthcare/education package will provide teachers with more income if they teach and have sex with kids at school.  And in the future most American’s will be living in trailer houses because they require less resources and the folks will have more money to spend on taxes.  And as far as porn achieves are concerned, they’re as historic as the U.S. Constitution and every city should have a collection they keep around just to look at from time to time.”

090216-archives-b-wNot everyone agrees with the guy claiming to be Obama, or that it was Obama who said those things.  “Even someone who’s busily converting the U.S. into a socialist society isn’t going to support student-teacher sex or the idea that everyone, even bureaucrats will be living in mobile homes.  I can see him backing the porn achieves, but that’s an artsy kind of thing,” said Mary Chrismas-Party, a professional weight-lifter and new age philosopher, whose missives on utopia through dictatorship is required reading in the Obama Administration.  “It’s true that most of the common masses will probably live in mobile homes in the future, but the aristocratic socialist Democrats will still have mansions, porn collections and occasionally have sex with a teacher who skips out on class.  But that’s merely progressive and shouldn’t be misunderstood as change for change itself.  Give Obama four years and you’ll begin to understand.  Give him eight and you won’t even be asking questions about this stuff.”

Amber Carter

Amber Carter

Associated Press reported that authorities say an Ohio fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class after using a school computer to arrange an afternoon tryst at a motel. Logan County sheriff’s officials say 35-year-old Amber Carter was arrested Tuesday at a motel parking lot in Bellefontaine in central Ohio. She’s charged with misdemeanor prostitution and a felony, and unauthorized use of property, regarding the computer. Bellefontaine City Schools Superintendent Larry Anderson says officials are shocked. He says Carter never received a reprimand in 13 years at the district. She’s now on administrative leave.

Dutch Playboy

Dutch Playboy

Associated Press reported that the municipal pornography archive in the Dutch city of Leeuwarden is missing and officials fear it may be gone for good. Spokesman Erik Krikke of the city’s historical center said the archive – which contained photos, drawings and erotic texts with a connection to the city – may have been taken home “accidentally” by an employee or visitor. Krikke said the bulk of the archive had been assembled by a “fanatic” curator at the historical center, mostly during the 1960s and ’70s. Items such as pictures by local photographers and artists would be difficult or impossible to replace.

The collection included a copy of the rare February 1998 edition of Dutch Playboy, Krikke said. It featured girls from each of 11 Dutch cities along the route of the country’s most beloved ice skating race, the Elfstedentocht. One of those girls was from Leeuwarden. Asked whether he thought it was unusual for the town to have a pornography collection, Krikke said “yes” – and that made the loss greater.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson

BANG Media reported that former ‘Baywatch’ star Pamela Anderson, is reportedly living in a mobile home with new lover Jamie Padgett, who is a surfer and electrician, in Malibu. A source said: “Pam and the kids joined Jamie and his sons – who are around Brandon and Dylan’s age – on his boat in Paradise Cove at the weekend. They spent most of the time on the beach with their kids. They are really happy together. Pam is staying with him in the Paradise Cove trailer park while her house is renovated.” Pamela is said to have fallen “head over heels” with Jamie because of his clean living ways – in stark contrast to Pamela’s ex-husbands: Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee, who is also the father of her children, rapper Kid Rock and professional poker player and pornographer Rick Salomon.

Some experts say that common people with “clean living ways” have accidentally done some good historically, though they aren’t sure why.

Living large with Pam

Living large with Pam

“If you look back at history it’s rather amusing to discover that guys and gals who lived lives based on Judeo-Christian values, exhibited fairness and lived by the ‘Golden Rule,’ often created stable families and societies and ended up building great civilizations that resulted in more individual freedom and economic success than societies based on socialism, dictatorship or totalitarianism,” said Chester Fester-Acorn, a social activist who believes random ethics are the most natural and enduring and should be the basis of all governments.  “It’s amazing how such accidents could have occurred like those, when everyone knows that central planning conducted by the political elite is the only way to run a social system or country.  In a few years the U.S. will get a taste of that utopia when the government tells everyone what to do and how to do it.  People misunderstood Orwell’s book ‘1984’ and thought it was a warning to free people.  The reality is, it’s a manual for the Obama administration.  But Obama and his people will make it work.  They’re smarter than every socialist group that tried central control before.  That’s why it’ll work this time even though it never has.  And as for the successful American experiment of private enterprise and individual freedom?  Well, like all old ideas it had to go the way of lost porn collections.  Some feel wistful about its loss, but it’s no big deal really. Having the will of the powerful imposed on the individual is as natural as Darwinism.  Why fight it?”

We're here to help

We're here to help

In other news UPI reported last week that Swedish police said they broke down the door of a hostel after hearing what seemed to be a woman’s screams, only to discover an opera singer was practicing. “They thought somebody in there was in distress and made a decision to raid the premises,” police spokesman Peder Jonsson said. However, when the police broke down the door and entered the building, they discovered that the high-pitched sound had been a female member of a South African choir practicing for an upcoming performance at the Norrlandsoperan opera house. No word on whether the choir felt safer knowing that cops are free to break into homes whenever they feel like it, but in the years ahead we’ll probably all get used to the idea.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Article sources:

Ohio Teacher Cut Class For Prostitution
http://www.wbbm780.com/Ohio-Teacher-Cut-Class-For-Prostitution/3833235

Dutch city fears loss of pornography archive
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/EU_ODD_NETHERLANDS_PURLOINED_PORN?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2009-02-12-12-28-57

Pamela Anderson living in trailer
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/35/20090212/ten-pamela-anderson-living-in-trailer-764dee7.html

Police mistake singing for screams
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/02/11/Police_mistake_singing_for_screams/UPI-39601234379917/

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Nurses Turn to Prostitution While the Homeless Eat Caviar

> Demoralized nurses finding work in brothels
> Poor to eat contraband caviar on Christmas

Inebriated Press
December 24, 2008

081224-nurse1Australia’s News Limited reported Monday that exhausted and demoralized nurses would rather work as prostitutes than in Queensland’s crumbling hospitals.  And the Associated Press reported Saturday that homeless people in Italy will be savoring beluga caviar this Christmas.  Experts say that like hooker-nurses and homeless-caviar-eaters, everyone should reflect on their lives at year-end, and some may want to make changes and boost next years life-style options.

081224-caviar“It’s always good to reflect on how your life is going as the year winds down, and make a few subtle adjustments — like switching from caring for the sick to banging the healthy — in order to make your life safer, and more financially rewarding,” said Jenna Jameson-Hollander, a registered nurse and motivational speaker, currently providing personal services to homeless Italians offering caviar.  “Maybe you want to exercise more and get your body in shape, or perhaps you should stop paying your mortgage and go to Italy and eat caviar with the homeless.  At the end of each year it’s a good time to reflect and make some adjustments like those.”

081224-beyonce1Other life-style experts agree.  “I used to bust my ass as a divisional manager for a large company, administering staff and a budget, trying to hit performance targets, all that stuff,” said Alexander Yardly-Tucumseth, a wiry middle-aged ex-executive, now living on the street and trading caviar for personal services offered by former Australian nurses.  “Today I’m a homeless guy and part-time life-style advisor to Paris Hilton and Beyonce.  They don’t pay much attention to what I say, but what to I care, I’m living a stress-free life.  And next year Obama will start sending me checks.  It’s change I can believe in.”

081224-healthcare-australia-styleNews Limited reported that Queensland nurses are leaving the healthcare system because of workloads, burnout and record levels of frustration, and many have found new jobs working in brothels. “We could no longer work in such an understaffed and stressful environment,” said the mother of two, who wanted to be known only as Jenna. Jenna said violence was more of a concern in hospitals than in the sex industry. “The security (at the brothel) is wonderful. We have buzzers in our room, there are bracelets we can request if you have a client you’re a bit suspicious of.” Jenna said she had gone to great lengths to hide her new occupation from her family. “I wear my nurse’s uniform to work, I carry my hospital ID. But when I get to work I change. There’s a couple of others who do the same,” she said. Health Minister Stephen Robertson said it was disappointing some nurses were seeking alternative careers. He didn’t comment on how hot the Australian nurses look or what his plans are to try and keep them in hospitals.

PEOPLE HILTONThe Associated Press reported that some homeless people in Italy will be savoring beluga caviar this Christmas, thanks to officials who seized 88 pounds (40 kilograms) of the contraband delicacy from smugglers.  The caviar has been given to Italian charities to be served alongside the traditional foods they feed the poor on Christmas – like lentils, pasta and cake – officials said Saturday. The Rev. Massimo Mapelli, who helps run a shelter for the homeless and recovering addicts, said his center will get 10 kilograms (22 pounds) of caviar for 82 diners. That’s about 120 grams (4 1/2 ounces) per person – two to four times the amount chefs traditionally serve to wealthy diners.  Not bad if you like caviar.

081224-oreoIn other news, the Houston Chronicle reported Saturday that a school bus driver accused of brandishing a knife and threatening three sixth-graders with cutting their wrists for leaving cookie crumbs on a seat has been arrested. William Allen, 66, was taken into custody Friday on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Students told their parents that Allen took them out of the bus Wednesday at Mary Orr Intermediate School. They said he threatened to cut their wrists with the knife if they didn’t admit to eating Oreo cookies and leaving crumbs behind, according to police reports.  No word on whether Allen has plans to become a homeless Italian or an Australian hooker-nurse, but you can bet he won’t be driving a bus next year.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:
Fed-up Queensland nurses turning to prostitution
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24831036-1248,00.html

Italy’s poor to eat contraband caviar on Christmas
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/EU_ITALY_POOR_MANS_CAVIAR?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2008-12-20-12-45-27

School bus driver accused of pulling knife on sixth-graders
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/6175135.html

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