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Schools Dodge Reality, “God” quotes Jimmi Hendrix, and Brothel features Male Prostitutes

> High School rejects valedictorian’s speech as “too real”
> Boy chosen as next Dalai Lama quotes Hendrix, bails Buddhist order
> Battling recession, brothel adds men for bigger market reach

 
Inebriated Press
June 8, 2009
 

Can this be marketed?

Can this be marketed?

Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported Friday that Springstead High School has rejected Jem Lugo’s valedictory graduation speech because it was “too real”.  Lugo said nobody really tells students what they need to know in life and she set out to do it. “Get money,” was first on her to-do list.  And the UK Guardian reported a week ago Sunday that Osel Hita Torres, who was selected as a toddler to be the next Dalai Lama and put on a throne and worshipped by monks, has rejected the path and now is more likely to quote Jimi Hendrix than Buddha.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Friday that a Nevada brothel suffering from the recession thinks it’s been ignoring half the market – the half that prefers men – and is looking for male prostitutes.  Pundits are debating reality and illusion, and wondering how much longer American’s will ignore the disconnect between their love of Obama and their dislike for his policies.
 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Polls have repeatedly shown that American’s like Obama and are hopeful that he’ll be a good president, but the same polls also show that the majority of American’s dislike his policies and think that they’re extremely risky and even economically dangerous,” said Sandy Shore-Beachead, a lithe and fertile thinker who sells furniture for money but gives good advice for free.  “They’re behaving like the Springhead High School administration that prefers to deal in platitudes and ignore the reality of what people are really facing.  It’s far better to step up to the plate like Osel Hita Torres who knows he’s not really god, and the brothel in Nevada that woke up to the fact that it’s been ignoring one half of the marketplace.  American’s need to realize that Obama IS his policies and all of his left-wing appointees reflect HIS beliefs and what HE WANTS the United States to become.  This blind stupor that has American’s thinking that Obama’s a great guy who somehow is surrounded by idiotic policy and leftist appointees as though it’s some accident or irrelevant illusion is ‘bullshit’.  That’s a technical term for the actual meaning of most things Obama says.  It’s time that people wake up and start acting within the reality that’s around them and stop pretending that Obama’s colorful rhetoric is somehow ‘truth’.  He’s no god either and hyper-spending will drive hyper-inflation and destroy this fine country.”
 

Someone named Mora

Someone named Mora

Not everyone agrees with Shore-Beachead.  “Obama is the light-bringer destine across time for this moment and he’ll lead us to a Statist-American paradise where all his appointed czars and state ownership of major corporations, control of healthcare and the environment, will bring us to nirvana,” said Mora Mi-Lov, a clerk at the Divine Smoke-Room and Vicks VapoRub Emporium, where her smile and gentle voice sooths the harried populous at $75 per hour.  “There’s no place in the Obama Age for a new Dalai Lama when the true light-bringer has come.  And schools are places of education so they know what valedictorians ought to say — we all know that this is the new era of platitudes and we shouldn’t let student upstarts start throwing around plain language that belongs in yesterday’s world.  As far as the brothel with male prostitutes goes, that works for me.”

Platitudes-R-Us

Platitudes-R-Us

The St. Petersburg Times reported when Jem Lugo, an 18-year-old Spring Hill resident bound for Harvard University, sat down to write her valedictory graduation speech, the Springstead High School senior tried to keep it real for her peers in the Class of 2009. But Lugo, who earned an unweighted 3.98 grade-point average, says she made it much too real for school officials who work with valedictorians each year to ensure their graduation speeches are appropriate. Lugo says Springstead principal Susan Duval rejected the address and told her to start over. Lugo says that the senior class sponsor, who read the speech first, used the word “appalled.”

“Nobody in speeches ever tells you what you actually need to know in life,” Lugo wrote. “I’m going to remind you of some basic concepts you can actually apply to your life. Crazy, right?” First, she says, “Get money. Do something with your life where you’re able to have a steady, reliable source of income.” The speech is full of other practical lessons, Lugo says. Say please and thank you. Keep in touch with high school friends. Don’t become a workaholic. Stand for something. “If you ever achieve any sort or fame or acclaim in your life, don’t mess it up,” she wrote. “Think Michael Phelps and Britney Spears.” According to Lugo, principal Duval told her she understood her aim for originality but warned the speech might offend some. On Thursday, Springstead’s graduation day, Lugo read another, shorter speech that did garner approval.

"God" during pre-Hendrix days

"God" during pre-Hendrix days

The Guardian reported that as a toddler, he was put on a throne and worshipped by monks who treated him like a god. But the boy chosen by the Dalai Lama as a reincarnation of a spiritual leader has caused consternation – and some embarrassment – for Tibetan Buddhists by turning his back on the order that had such high hopes for him. Instead of leading a monastic life, Osel Hita Torres now sports baggy trousers and long hair, and is more likely to quote Jimi Hendrix than Buddha. He bemoaned the misery of a youth deprived of television, football and girls. Movies were also forbidden – except for a sanctioned screening of The Golden Child starring Eddie Murphy, about a kidnapped child lama with magical powers. “I never felt like that boy,” he said. He is now studying film in Madrid and has denounced the Buddhist order that elevated him to guru status. “They took me away from my family and stuck me in a medieval situation in which I suffered a great deal,” said Torres, 24, describing how he was whisked from obscurity in Granada to a monastery in southern India. “It was like living a lie,” he told the Spanish newspaper El Mundo. Despite his rebelliousness, he is still known as Lama Tenzin Osel Rinpoche and revered by the Buddhist community.

Shady_Lady_Ranch_brothel,_Nye_County,_NevadaThe Associated Press reported that the owner of a Nevada brothel suffering from the recession thinks she has been ignoring about half the market – the half that prefers men. Bobbi Davis is looking for male prostitutes to help expand the clientele at the Shady Lady Ranch, her small roadside brothel about 150 miles north of Las Vegas. “We’ve had requests for men in the past, and there’s nothing else like this out there,” she said. Indeed, the 25 legal brothels scattered throughout 10 rural Nevada counties are staffed by women and cater to men. Nevada Brothel Association lobbyist George Flint says other brothels have approached him with the idea lately to drum up business. Like Nevada’s gambling, hotel and convention industries, the prostitution business has hit hard times. Flint estimates that bordellos have seen a roughly 50 percent drop in revenue since the economy turned sour.

Don't tell me she can't throw hard

Don't tell me she can't throw hard

In other news, CBS-TV 12 in West Palm Beach, Florida reported that when life handed a 40-year-old woman lemons, she used them and got arrested. During an argument at her North Military Trail home, Mandi Valentine threw several lemons at her husband and he was afraid he would be hit, he told police. Police arrested her the next morning and she was released from Palm Beach County Jail around lunchtime on her own recognizance. She is charged with simple assault. No word on how she feels about valedictorian speeches or the Dalai Lama, but based on how she acts with her husband she may be considering a male prostitute who’ll just do what she pays him to do. Or maybe not. You can only guess about people who throw lemons; its way easier to predict the behavior of people who implement government policies that are real lemons, because they’re always trying to screw somebody.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
 

Source articles:

 Springstead High valedictorian’s speech rejected as too real
http://www.tampabay.com/news/education/k12/article1007433.ece?71
 
Boy chosen by Dalai Lama turns back on Buddhist order
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/may/31/dalai-lama-osel-hita-torres
 
Nevada brothel features male prostitutes
http://www.wbbm780.com/Nevada-brothel-features-male-prostitutes/4542045
 
Woman arrested for throwing lemons at husband
http://www.cbs12.com/news/arrested-4717214-lemons-husband.html

Comments Off on Schools Dodge Reality, “God” quotes Jimmi Hendrix, and Brothel features Male Prostitutes

Filed under Humor, IP News

Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

> Time to Legalize (and tax) Drugs, Prostitution, and Gambling
> The Outsized Male a Cut Above the Rest
> XXX Cures Better Than Rx Does

Inebriated Press
May 26, 2009

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Reason Online reported last week that the Obama administration wants to encourage treatment of drug addicts rather than putting them in jail for breaking the law. Nick Gillespie says he has a better idea: Legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution, then tax sales of them, and fill the federal and state government’s coffers. And the UK Daily Express reported last week that as far as Kate Mulvey is concerned, the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. Her view of the perfect sized guy: James Gandolfini of HBO’s ‘Sopranos’ big. A balding fat bloke who struts around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported last week that makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. In studies, monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone.  Porn can do what medication does; maybe even do it better.  Visionaries contemplating taxes and testosterone, see a new ‘Las Vegas style’ healthcare program emanating from D.C. capable of ending the national debt and restoring sexual vitality — especially to big boys — all across America.

Some brawny dude

Some brawny dude

“When Obama’s new national healthcare initiative legalizes drugs, prostitution and gambling — for the health benefits — and then taxes them, not only will American’s have better attitudes and be happier and healthier, but state and federal governments will also generate billions of dollars in new tax revenue.  Big guys will have higher levels of testosterone and be appreciated by women who’ve given up on the scrawny metrosexual types, and want real men who take up space and are noticed when they hug the people they love,” said Brawny Beeff-Mann, a fry cook and pork aficionado who likes food and sex but not always in that order.  “I can hardly wait to deduct my porn subscriptions, marijuana purchases and hooker ‘appointments’ as medical costs on my IRS forms.  And the cool thing is, that even though this will constitute new middle class tax cuts, these new legal products and services will be generating so many new dollars in tax revenue, that it will more than offset my lower tax payments to the government. It’s win-win all around.  I’d like to talk more but I’ve got an appointment with a healthcare provider at the Bunny Ranch.  Got to keep in tip-top shape you know.”

Someone named Sheri

Someone named Sheri

Not everyone agrees with Beeff-Mann.  “The legalization of these vices would exacerbate the current trend toward ethical degradation that is already plaguing society and resulting in high levels of crime, disease, and both social and economic costs.  Legalizing these forms of immorality would simply spread disease and emotional costs to more individuals and would dwarf any attempt to ‘tax our way to prosperity’ no matter how well intentioned,” said Sheri Cheri-Koke, director of the Ethical Swamp & Moral Minority Club, and a sweet delight to those who know and love her.  “I don’t consider myself a prude, but do you really think that legalized drugs will make people healthier, or that legalized gambling is going to make the country happier?  And I’ve yet to see legalized hooking make a better, brighter and happier populace in total.  Typically illegal prostitution ends up being replaced by an increase in illegal kiddy porn and human trafficking.  Unless we plan to legalize and tax those too.  Some slippery slopes can never be walked on safely and should never be attempted.”

War on drugs or War for drugs?

War on drugs or War for drugs?

Reason Online reported that the Obama administration’s drug czar made news recently by saying he wanted to end all loose talk about a “war on drugs.” “We’re not at war with people in this country,” said the czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who favors forcing people into treatment programs rather than jail cells.  Nick Gillespie says here’s a better idea—and one that will help the federal and state governments fill their coffers: Legalize drugs and then tax sales of them. And while we’re at it, welcome all forms of gambling (rather than just the few currently and arbitrarily allowed) and let prostitution go legit too. All of these vices, involving billions of dollars and consenting adults, already take place. They just take place beyond the taxman’s reach. Legalizing the world’s oldest profession probably wasn’t what Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, meant when he said that we should never allow a crisis to go to waste. But turning America into a Sin City on a Hill could help President Obama pay for his ambitious plans to overhaul health care, invest in green energy, and create gee-whiz trains that whisk “through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour.” More taxed vices would certainly lead to significant new revenue streams at every level. That’s one of the reasons 52 percent of voters in a recent Zogby poll said they support legalizing, taxing and regulating the growth and sale of marijuana. Similar cases could be made for prostitution and all forms of gambling.

Gandolfini

Gandolfini

Daily Express reported that Kate Mulvey says the size of a romantic male template matters to her, and hers is 6ft tall and fat. As far as she is concerned the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. More bulk than beauty, the OM has shoulders like the QE2, hands like JCB diggers and a stomach more medicine ball than six-pack. The rippled torso of Tom Cruise or the snake-hipped charm of Leonardo DiCaprio are not for her. Kate says give her belly in the bedroom any day. And she’s not advocating a taste for lovable little podgers. A roly-poly fat man with sausage fingers and an unmuscled body is far from attractive. When she says big she means James Gandolfini big. Remember him in the American TV soap The Sopranos? He was the balding fat bloke who strutted around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. These men – think Gérard Depardieu, Michael Madsen and Ray Winstone – are a heady mixture of tough dominance and avuncular reassurance that ultimately is more thrilling than your wimpy, moisturized metrosexual. Mulvey says there is something wonderfully comforting about resting your head on a chest the size of a small country. The OM is simply a cut above the rest.

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Newsweek reported that the makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. Porn or prescriptions? It hardly sounds likes a typical fork in the road. But it’s the choice that middle-aged American males apparently may face if they suffer from symptoms of low testosterone—as around five million men do, a figure that seems to be growing along with male girths, diabetes and the aging boomer generation. The case for pornography derives from research showing that adult fare can help restore a sapped male mojo. Monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone (nature’s own performance-enhancing drug) promoting lean muscle and quick recovery times, according to the Yerkes Center for Primate Research at Emory University. In humans, German researchers have found that just having an erection is enough to spur testosterone levels. It makes no difference whether a man is watching sex on a screen or having it in real life, his testosterone levels will go up. Just having an erection, in fact, is enough to spur production.

By prescription only

By prescription only

Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the “captivity situation”-her term for married with kids-“go on the Internet and look at porn” as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. “[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone,” she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down. Competing with your Playboy subscription, however, are prescription drugs-including the futuristic sounding AndroGel, a testosterone foam that hormone-challenged men have been rubbing on their bodies for almost a decade. More than 10 million prescriptions have been filled in that time, and now the maker, Solvay Pharmaceuticals, is trying to raise its legal steroid to a Viagra-level of visibility, making “Low T” as recognizable a phrase as “E.D.”

So what’s a guy to do? Perhaps nothing. Testosterone loss is a natural part of aging. Most men lose about 1 percent of their supply annually starting at age 30, more if they are obese, diabetic, a binge drinker, a vegetarian, a yo-yo dieter or have a pituitary-gland disorder. It’s unlikely that the porn industry will begin a marketing campaign touting the hormone-replacement benefits of their products, though there is some chance that doctors could start recommending regular porn to their testosterone-challenged patients.

Some people say that the combination of a high red-meat and hot-sex diet have always been key to perpetuating the species.

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

“If you think that metrosexual vegetarians are going to sustain a countries population base and social and economic strength, you’re out of your mind,” said someone claiming to be in their mind.  “Only red meat eating, sex loving guys with a dose of common sense and a high appreciation for free market capitalism can provide a solid base for a countries strength.  And that’s true regardless of whether you legalize and tax prostitution, gambling and drugs.  In the end, it’s all about the people.  I wonder what the studies about women will say — besides some of them liking plus-sized dudes.  I’ll bet the tree-hugging veggie eating women can’t sustain shit either.  Good thing there are some solid red-blooded meat-eating chicks that are smart, hot looking and give a shit about building the free market.  We can remake America the right way if we can start hooking these men and women up.”

Now we’re talking a real stimulus plan.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Paying With Our Sins
http://reason.com/news/show/133598.html

WHY I LOVE LARGER MEN
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/102458/Why-I-love-larger-men

Rx vs. XXX
http://www.newsweek.com/id/198512?from=rss

BunnyRanch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BunnyRanch_Two

Comments Off on Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

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New Iranian Missile Targets Israel; Woman sells Companionship – the Sex is Free; and New Economic Rules in Gas Supply-Demand

> Iran tests new Missile: Israel, southeast Europe in Range
> Woman Arrested after offering Free Sex, but charging for Companionship
> More supply, lower demand Raises gas Prices

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2009

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

This is only a test. If this had been an actual nuclear device, maps containing Israel would be obsolete.

The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Iran test-fired a new missile with a range of 1,200 miles, able to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East.  And Florida’s Orlando Sentinel reported Tuesday that a woman was arrested for prostitution despite arguing that she doesn’t sell sex, she sells companionship, and gives the sex away for free.  Meanwhile, WXIA Atlanta reported that there are new rules in the gasoline world, where up is down and down is up. Despite higher gas supplies and reduced demand, gas prices are higher — the converse of economic theory.  Some pundits say that in today’s new America, companionship with women and gas stations will cost you, but the sex and gas are free. 

Someone named Yvonne

Someone named Yvonne

“Thanks to smart-thinking voters, we now have a U.S. president who is giving all American’s free gas and sex, as his hope-and-change plan kicks-in, pats our ass, takes our wallets, and then slathers us with Democrat good will.  It’s all cost-free because higher taxes and a bigger national debt are concepts we don’t understand — but free sex and gas we can grasp, and that’s what really matters,” said Yvonne Marble-Ryye, an ambidextrous gas pipe fitter and part-time sex worker, sometimes doing both simultaneously.  “And Iranian missiles soon to be armed with nukes aren’t anything to be bothered by.  So what if Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Israel should be wiped off the face of the earth, it’s not like he’s come right out and said he plans to do it.  Iran’s funding of Hamas and terrorists in Iraq are just his way of encouraging balanced behavior in the region.  People need to relax and enjoy the free gas and sex and just chill out.  Want some companionship?  I don’t charge alot — and if you play your cards right, you might get something for free.”

Someone named Anna

Someone named Anna

Not everyone is as comfortable with Iranian nuclear-armed missiles and the illusion of free gas and sex.  “I like gas and sex and maybe an occasional nuke launched in the right direction, but all these things cost someone something, and not everyone will deliver them equitably.  I’m kind of big on fairness and I’ve been around long enough to know that anything that sounds too good to be true, probably is,” said Anna Belle-Lee, a patron of the arts and long-suffering conservative, caught-up in the spell of lucid thinking and a captive to common sense.  “It’s not that I think I’ve got everything figured out, or claim to be some sort of genius.  It’s just that at base, hookers sell sex, and gas companies will manipulate the market if they can in order to increase profits, and Ahmadinejad wants Israel destroyed and will do it himself if possible.  It’s human nature to try and get what you want and bluff your way to get it if that’s what works.  Hitler did it, so did Stalin.  Obama’s doing it, so is every hooker who walks the earth — or lays on it for that matter.  Now tell me some lie that I’ll buy, and let’s trip the light fantastic just for the sake of a dream and momentary fun.  I’m stodgy but I still like a good time now and then.”

"I have a dream ..."

"I have a dream ..."

Associated Press reported that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Iran test-fired a new advanced missile Wednesday with a range of about 1,200 miles, far enough to strike Israel, southeastern Europe and U.S. bases in the Middle East. The announcement will not reassure the U.S. government, coming just two days after President Barack Obama declared a readiness to seek deeper international sanctions against Iran if it shunned U.S. attempts to open negotiations on its nuclear program. Obama said he expected a positive response to his outreach for opening a dialogue with Iran by the end of the year. Ahmadinejad is running for re-election in a June 12 vote and has been criticized by his opponents and others for antagonizing the U.S. and mismanaging the country’s faltering economy. Most Western analysts believe Iran does not yet have the technology to produce nuclear weapons. Iran’s nuclear and missile programs have alarmed Israel, and the country’s new prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, pressed Obama to step up pressure on Tehran when the two met in Washington on Monday. Ahmadinejad has repeatedly called for Israel’s elimination, and the Jewish state has not ruled out a military strike to deal with the Iranian nuclear threat.

Hot deals on companionship

Hot deals on companionship

The Orlando Sentinel reported that a suspected prostitute shared her unusual work rationale with an undercover Leesburg police officer just before she was arrested for the second time within 24 hours late last week. “I don’t take money for sex,” Ashley M. Hollin, 26, of Leesburg, told the officer. “I take money for company and the sex is free.” Hollin’s comments came late Friday just before she was about to be arrested for the second time that day. According to a police report, Hollin told the officer she had learned something from her earlier arrest — accept cash for companionship, not sex. “See, I learned from making the mistake last night with the police — if I do it this way they can’t get me for it,” Hollin said, according to a police report. She was wrong. Leesburg police arrested Hollin and several other women on prostitution-related charges following complaints about prostitution near the Deluxe Motel at 113 N. 14th St.

New gas-price supply-demand chart

New gas-price supply-demand chart

WXIA Atlanta reported that we need to get used to the new rules of supply and demand in Gasoline World. The world where up is down and down is up. Average gasoline prices in Georgia are up 29 cents a gallon, so far, since May 1. But supplies are up, nationwide. And demand is down, overall. “We’re going to see higher gasoline prices as the summer goes through,” said Oil Industry Expert Tex Pitfield on Tuesday. Pitfield is most recently President and CEO of Saraguay Petroleum Corporation of Atlanta and is a consultant. Pitfield said refineries are charging retail gas stations more for wholesale gasoline because “the refineries aren’t making money. They’re not making money right now. We’re awash in supply, in fuel. And demand for fuel is probably off 20 percent to 25 percent across the board, worldwide, if not more.” Under “normal” laws of supply and demand, when demand is lower, prices should be lower. “Prices should be lower,” Pitfield said. “Prices will continue to go higher.”

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

Hookers, companions or gas company rep's?

On Tuesday, the federal government announced a program to require higher mileage cars by 2016. President Obama acknowledged that those cars would cost consumers more, possibly $1,300 more. “It costs money to build these vehicles,” he said, but he also said he anticipates “the cost of driving these vehicles will go down as drivers save money at the pump.”

“It’s going to cost us more,” predicted a motorist, Cheryl Barre, as she filled up her car at a gas station in Cobb County Tuesday evening. “The gas is going to cost more. It’s already high and going higher. There has to be better alternatives than what we’re looking at right now — one more burden for the taxpayer to take on.” Tex Pitfield agreed. 11Alive: “If we’ll be using less gasoline because we’ll all be driving higher-mileage cars, are the refineries going to kick up the prices because we’re using less?” Pitfield: “Oh, absolutely. I mean, that’s basic economics.” The NEW basic economics of supply and demand.

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

Insomnia, traditional economist or both?

In other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that a new report released Tuesday in the Journal of the American Medical Association says that insomnia is best treated by a combination of drugs and extended therapy to change bedtime behaviors.  No word on whether a drug-therapy combo will be necessary to help Americans get comfortable with the new inverse gas-price-economics or help Israeli’s get comfortable with a nuclear Iran, but if we can get a little cheap companionship and free sex, maybe things will seem pretty good and we’ll all sleep like logs – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Iran says it tests missile, Israel within range
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090520/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_missile_test_8

Woman arrested after offering free sex — but a charge for companionship
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/breakingnews/orl-bk-leesburg-prostitution-051909,0,3190779.story

The New Rules: Gas Demand Declines, Prices Jump
http://www.11alive.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=130417&catid=40

 Pills-therapy combination work best at treating insomnia, study says
http://www.tampabay.com/news/health/article1002509.ece

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Filed under Humor, IP News

China Demands Citizens Smoke, Van Gogh Lost Ear over Hooker, and McDonald’s Happy Meal Condom Giveaway

> Chinese Government to Fine Citizens if Cigarette Smoking Target not Met
> German Historians Discover Van Gogh’s Ear Cut Off in Fight over Prostitute
> 7-Year-Old Girl Finds Condom in McDonald’s Happy Meal

Inebriated Press
May 6, 2009

Making quota for the good of the State

Making quota for the good of the State

Agence France-Press reported Monday that officials in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million cigarettes this year.  If they fail to meet the target they’ll be fined. And the Daily Mail reported Tuesday that German historians have completed a 10-year study and determined that Van Gogh’s ear was cut off by a friend of his with whom he was having a dispute over a hooker.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Monday that police are investigating a 7-year old girl’s discovery of a condom in her McDonald’s Happy Meal.  Pundits are debating the risks and benefits of smoking cigarettes, fighting over hookers and a condom distribution system using Happy Meals.

Some kinda Hapi

Some kinda Hapi

“Any time you can get condoms or other forms of birth control to children at any age, it’s a benefit because it’ll reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancy.  In fact looking over the data on child pregnancy shows that since the news broke of the McDonald Happy Meal Condom Giveaway, 7-year old girls have reported zero pregnancies,” said Hapi Nuttcase, an intellectual giant and part time ACORN executive.  “Now if we can increase smoking in the U.S. it will add tax revenue that we need to help fund other health initiatives.  I’m lobbying cigarette manufacturers now to increase the amount of nicotine in cig’s so that they’re more addictive.  It’s an important key to a strong economy.  As far as loosing an ear over a hooker goes, it depends on how good the hooker is and why the guys couldn’t take turns.  It’s too bad Barack wasn’t there to help them work out a quota system so both artists could routinely get screwed without losing body parts.  Still, it’s to our benefit that he’s here now and is carefully managing the federal government’s screwing process of Americans.  For the first time in my life I’m proud of this country.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle.”

Rhapsody, three times

Rhapsody, three times

Not everyone thinks the way Nuttcase does.  “It’s wrong to tax people for addictive habits, and that’s true whether you’re in China, the U.S. or someplace else.  It’s coercive and immoral.  If what they’re doing is really wrong, then make a law to ban it, otherwise, let them alone,” said Rhapsody Inblu, a sensual musician with classic beauty and uncommon common sense.  “And there isn’t a hooker in the world worth fighting over, no matter their looks or level of experience.  I mean ultimately an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.  I suppose the path to getting there is the deal, but good as that might be, chopping an ear off instead of waiting in line is a bit drastic.  As far as condoms in Happy Meals go, what the hell, we put fluoride in our water.  Next it’ll be Lipitor and Viagra.  We’d have it already if it was up to the drug companies.  I can see a Pfizer-McDonald’s co-branding deal in the future.  And Happy Meal’s for adults with sex toys is probably the follow up.  With a name like ‘Happy Meal’ the possibilities are endless.”

Smoking Babe, or Babe Smoking. You make the call.

Smoking Babe, or Babe Smoking. You make the call.

Agence France-Press reported that officials in a county in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million packs of locally made cigarettes annually or risk being fined, state media reports. The Gong’an county government in Hubei province has ordered its staff to puff their way through 230,000 packs of Hubei-produced cigarette brands a year. Departments that fail to meet their targets will be fined, according to the report. “The regulation will boost the local economy via the cigarette tax,” said Chen Nianzu, a member of the Gong’an cigarette market supervision team. China has 350 million smokers, of whom a million die of smoking-related diseases every year. More than half of all male doctors in China smoke.

Worth cutting an ear off over?

Worth cutting an ear off over?

The Daily Mail reported that history has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man. They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend’s ear. And the injury wasn’t inflicted for the sake of art – rather it was part of a feud over a prostitute. This theory is the masterpiece of German historians who have pored over the evidence for ten years. They believe the story about the self-inflicted wound was invented by the sword-wielding Gauguin just to protect himself. What is not disputed is that Van Gogh lost his ear when the two artists were living in the South of France in December 1888. The two were known to fight about art. Van Gogh believed an artist should paint what he saw, while Gauguin painted according to his memory. But on this occasion, they were fighting over a prostitute named Rachel, outside the brothel where she worked, the historians say. The academics say the accepted theory that Van Gogh cut off his own ear is based entirely on Gauguin’s story. Van Gogh never talked about it.

Fast food, fast sex ... now in child sized portions

Fast food, fast sex ... now in child sized portions

Associated Press reported that Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl’s discovery of a condom in her McDonald’s Happy Meal. Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries. Police said Monday they were investigating where the condom came from and how it got into the Happy Meal. They said an analysis was being done to determine if the condom posed a health risk. McDonald’s in Switzerland declined to comment because of the ongoing investigation.

Some say all-the-world’s a screwed up Happy Meal.

Nymph pausing in the cascade of time

Nymph pausing in the cascade of time

“There are so many sensual possibilities — involving taste, touch, sight, sound and smell — on the earth; not to mention the ‘great ideas’ of love, freedom, justice, beauty and truth.  Add to that exploration, science and philosophy, plus historical knowledge on civics and government learned through cause and effect.  And we have the resources, data and knowledge to create utopia, but look at the bullshit humankind has wrought,” said a playful nymph in an un-playful moment during a pause in the cascade of time.  “We have the stuff that dreams are made of, and instead of creating the dream we divine a nightmare — with dirty condoms in our Happy Meals, Socialists in the White House, and taxes on addictive and non-addictive habits.  Missing too, are the days when men would cut each other’s ears off over great sex.  Ah yes, we’ve even lost the pleasures of a simpler time.”

Googles' GoatIn other news, FOX reported Monday that last week Google brought in a herd of goats to mow the grass on its Mountain View, Calif. headquarters rather than using lawnmowers. The company said that it wanted to take a more “low-carbon” approach with the goats reducing the company’s contribution to air and noise pollution. The cost of hiring the 200-some goats is about the same price as mowing, but the goats were “a lot cuter to watch.” Turns out another tech company uses goat power to mow its property, Yahoo has also employed goats to graze their grounds.  No word on whether Google and Yahoo executives have been cutting each other’s ears off as they compete for the goats attention.  ‘Nuf said.  Eat your Happy Meal.  Spit out the rubbery stuff.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

China’s ultimatum: smoke or be fined
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25426774-13762,00.html
 
The battle of Van Gogh’s ear: Artist didn’t chop it off – Gauguin attacked him in brothel row over woman
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1177205/The-battle-Van-Goghs-ear-Artist-didnt-chop–Gauguin-attacked-brothel-row-woman.html

Girl allegedly finds condom in ‘Happy Meal’
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30561605/

Google Goes Green With Goats
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/dpg_original/dpgo_Google_Goats_Green_fc_20090504_2460969

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Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

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Lingering eyes, Too much Saving, and $5 Prostitution Taxes

> Men’s Interest in Women can be Measured by the Length of their Gaze
> American’s are Saving Too Much, Playing Too Little
> Nevada Considers Taxing Legal and Illegal Prostitution $5 per Turn

Inebriated Press
March 27, 2009

Play, Pay, Lay

Play, Pay, Lay

The Daily Mail reported Wednesday that a new study shows that if a man thinks a woman is attractive he looks into her eyes longer.  And MyFoxDC reported Wednesday that with the economy struggling, people are doing everything they can to save money and are having too little fun.  Consumer psychologists call it “saver’s remorse”.  Meanwhile, a Nevada Senator has proposed a tax on legal and illegal prostitution amounting to $5 per session.  He thinks the State will take in an additional $2 million per year.  Some pundits say that in order to stimulate the economy, and to encourage entreuprenurship and taxpayer spending, all prostitution should be legal and untaxed.

Someone named Lexi

Someone named Lexi

“I know a lot of guys who have been staring into the eyes of women but are afraid of making a move because it may lead to a relationship that they can’t afford in this economy, so they’re saving their money, staying home and not having any fun.  And adding a hooker tax isn’t going to help encourage them to take up any short-term deals, because it’ll just cost more money; it’s an economic disincentive,” said Lexi Rae-Powerwash, a smok’n brunette firefighter known to throw off as much heat as the fires she puts out.  “Now if Nevada is serious about generating new tax dollars they’ll cut tax rates, regulate the health of the women — maybe offer a certification program that’s better than competing states so they can differentate the quality of their hookers — and then encourage the expansion of new business enterprise by subsidizing volume discounting.  I can imagine the slogan now, ‘Nevada Gold-Certified Hookers: More Tits and Ass, Fewer STD’s; and Now, Every Fifth Turn is Free’.  It’ll sell I’m telling you.”

Someone named Jon

Someone named Jon

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Powerwash.  “I think it’s wrong to focus on stimulating the economy by encouraging more prostitution regardless the certified health claims.  If the federal government would cut taxes and reduce wasteful spending across the board, all business and entrepreneurship would be encouraged, and guys would have more money and the confidence to get into long term relationships, rather than just looking for a quick bang with modest taxation,” said Jon Rinsefre, staring into the eyes of Lexi Rae-Powerwash for a good thirty seconds without blinking.  “The Obama administration needs to quit spending trillions of tax dollars on crazy shit, screwing the economy and frightening people with money from spending.  If Obama would start shrinking the federal government and cut back on spending, people would relax and start spending more money, screw each other the right way, and stimulate themselves and the economy.  Hell, it’s the American way, enough of this socialist shit.”

Glancing at her ... eyes?

Glancing at her ... eyes?

The Daily Mail reported that researchers reporting in the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior” say that if a man’s glance into a woman’s eyes lasts longer than 8.2 seconds, he’s interested.  If a man’s gaze is more like four seconds, research suggests he is less than impressed. Hidden cameras secretly tracked the eye movements of 115 students as they chatted with actors and actresses. They were then asked to rate their conversation partner’s attractiveness. The men looked into the eyes of actresses they considered beautiful for an average of 8.2 seconds, but that dropped to 4.5 seconds when gazing at those they rated less attractive. The female students, however, did not differ in the amount of time they spent looking at the actors. The researchers believe that men use eye contact to seek out fit and fertile mates. But women are more wary of attracting unwanted attention because of the risks of unwanted pregnancy and single parenthood.
 
MyFoxDc reported that with the economy stuck in a downward spiral, most people are doing everything they can to save money. But is it possible to be too frugal? There is the belief that if you don’t take any chances and spend some money, you risk regretting that you didn’t have a little more fun while you had the chance. Consumer psychologists say that saver’s remorse is a real condition. The theory is that people are so obsessed with preparing for the future that they can’t enjoy the present, and end up looking back with regret on all their lost opportunities for fun. 

Home of the $5 tax?

Home of the $5 tax?

Psychologists say that splurging on big ticket items or a vacation can produce immediate buyer’s remorse, but over the long term, people regret not having enough fun, not traveling and not spending money rather than not saving enough. “People feel guilty about hedonism right afterwards, but as time passes the guilt dissipates,” says Dr. Ran Kivetz, a professor of marketing at the Columbia Business School. “At some point there’s a reversal, and what builds up is this wistful feeling of missing out on life’s pleasures.” Experts also say that balancing enough “play” time with work is important to relieve stress, especially during these difficult economic times.

Too little product differentiation?

Too little product differentiation?

The Las Vegas Sun reported Monday that Senator Bob Coffin, D-Las Vegas, proposed a tax on prostitution that he says could raise $2 million a year for the state. Patrons of prostitutes — both legal and illegal — would pay an extra $5 tax per session under the bill, which Coffin said was his idea alone. Coffin said he had considered applying the state’s live entertainment tax to prostitution, but encountered some constitutional questions. There are eight “major” brothels in the rural counties, where they are legal, and 17 smaller houses of prostitution, according to George Flint, a spokesman for the state’s brothel industry. The minimum charges range from $100 to $200. Asked how the state could collect the tax from the independent street walkers, Senator Coffin said that the business tax, when first imposed, wasn’t collected from all of those who were required to pay it. As a new tax, the bill would require a two-thirds vote for passage.

In other news, WMAR-TV Baltimore reported that an Italian doctor completed a brain operation despite having a heart attack after realizing his patient would never recover if he stopped the surgery. Surgeon Claudio Vitale started feeling pains in his chest half way through the operation but refused to stop despite his team’s urging and the pain worsening.  After finishing the surgery, the doctor had an angioplasty operation to treat his attack.  Vitale insists he’s not a hero, but that he couldn’t leave the patient “at such a delicate moment.” Both doctor and patient are recovering.  No word on why Obama keeps bleeding American taxpayers while claiming to be repairing their financial vitality, but since he doesn’t look them in the eye for very long, perhaps it’s all about him and not about them.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

The look of love? Only if you manage a glance that lasts longer than 8.2 seconds
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1164600/The-look-love-Only-manage-glance-lasts-longer-8-2-seconds.html

Too Much Saving, Not Enough Playing
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/dpgo_Too_Much_Saving_Not_Enough_Playing_mb_032420092311217

Proposed bill would tax prostitution at $5 per session
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/mar/23/proposed-bill-would-tax-prostitution-5-session/

Walk it off, it’s only a heart attack
http://www.abc2news.com/entertainment/weirdnews/story/Walk-it-off-its-only-a-heart-attack/P0JFQIIQ_0WH5a9uOIh2rA.cspx

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Milky Way Goldilocks, Craigslist Hookers and, Designer Vaginas the Art form

> Quest for the ‘Goldilocks zone’ in Milky Way
> Cook County sues Craigslist over prostitution ads
> British sculptor needs 20 plaster-casts of women’s vaginas for project

Inebriated Press
March 9, 2009

Goldilocks

Goldilocks

CNET News reported Friday that NASA’s Kepler satellite was launched into space to keep watch on a select patch of the Milky Way in an attempt to find a planet that in Goldilocks parlance, is “just right” to support life. And PC World reported Thursday that the Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, filed a lawsuit against Craigslist, charging it with facilitating prostitution. Meanwhile, The Sun reported Thursday that artist Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting, has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas for a ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture.  Drunken hoot owls and Wall Street traders are contemplating new investment strategies and think prostitutes, vaginal art and staring into space will beat the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the next four years and maybe beyond.

“We’re in a new era of hope and change and $20 trillion dollar spending, and investments that paid off during the fuddy-duddy years of hard work, personal responsibility and common sense no longer matter in the new Obamanomic economy,” said Marjorie Maxim-Thighmaster, an investment adviser and part time stripper at the Hapless Parrot and Madoff Monkey Lounge.  “We have to look at new approaches to investing.  We believe that a well balanced portfolio now consists of direct investment in hookers and vaginal art with equal parts of staring off into space.  We’re having a little trouble modeling the future returns projections, but we’ve got all the fine print figured out, so we’re making progress.  We know Obama’s plans will destroy industry, initiative and our economy, but we think stuff related to sex and lethargy has a shot at surviving.”

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Not everyone agrees with Maxim-Thighmaster.  “It’s disappointing that some people don’t have confidence in president Obama to do what’s right for them, and are thinking that their future is doomed because it only lies in sex and a semi comatose state — as though that’s a bad thing.  I lived most of the 1960s like that and it refined my personality and the genius of my outlook,” said Nancy Pelosi, the current U.S. Speaker of the House and a part time jack-in-a-box when seated behind Obama in Congress and darn near everyplace else she’s near him.  “We Democrats have set out to change America and it’s only the deluded people on the right who thought we might not do it.  Americans voted for change and they’re going to get it whether they understood what that meant or not.  We won and we’re in power, and we’ll do everything we can to change America and defy its out-of-date constitution.  The twenty trillion dollars in spending and the twenty-five percent drop in the Dow over the last couple weeks is only the first step.  We’ll redistribute wealth and what we can’t redistribute we’ll destroy.  Americans will become dependent on the Obama Oligarchy and will be all the better for it.  It’s just the simple people still clinging to god-and-guns, common sense and personal freedom who don’t understand how good this is for them.”

The Kepler Region

The Kepler Region

CNET News reported that NASA’s Kepler satellite is headed out to keep watch on a patch of the Milky Way for at least three and a half years. Unlike the Hubble space telescope, Kepler won’t be taking brilliant pictures suitable for framing. Instead, it will look for minute changes in the brightness of stars–some 100,000 of them–that would indicate a planet passing in front. Of all the planets Kepler eventually finds, what NASA is most interested in are planets like Earth. That is, it’s looking for rocky orbs–from half as large to twice as large as our big blue marble–in the habitable zone around a given star where conditions might be amenable to folks like us, or at least some of our fellow earthly organisms. In the vastness of the universe, there are likely to be nearly countless planets. The big question for humans, of course, is whether even a single one of them could support life.  Will we find a “Goldilocks zone” in the Milky Way?  Kepler will try.

Some services may find upturn in downturn

Some services may find upturn in downturn

PC World reported that the second largest sheriff’s department in the U.S. filed a lawsuit against Craigslist last Thursday, charging the online classifieds site with facilitating prostitution. The Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, asks the court to force Craigslist to close its erotic services section and pay damages for the money the police have spent monitoring the forum and pursuing suspects. “To say Craigslist’s ‘erotic services’ forum makes prostitution accessible is an understatement. While Defendant does not profit from erotic services per se, erotic services is the catalyst behind Craigslist being the ninth most popular website in the country,” the lawsuit, filed in the U.S. District Court for the northern district of Illinois, reads. Between January and November 2008, Cook County police arrested 156 people via Craigslist erotic services ads, the suit said. Officers spent 3,120 hours working on the arrests for a cost of over $105,000, according to the suit. In a statement, Craigslist said it hasn’t yet seen the complaint.

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

The Sun reported that an artist has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas. Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting already has 180 in the bag, but wants another 20 to complete the sculpture, which comments on the trend for surgically altered ‘designer vaginas’. Mr McCartney said: “I am offering women the last chance to be 1/200th of art history in the making.” The artist’s ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture is due to be unveiled in May at the Brighton Fringe. The casts already taken have come from women ranging in age from 18 to 64.

Some people say “give a woman the right vagina and she will rule the world.”

“The old days of using levers to move things and hard work to build wealth are gone,” said Helga Tubulartract-Squared, Director of the Association for Fiscal Irresponsibility and Hard Core Plaster Casting.  “In the new economy banging your way to success is not only practical its a modern return-on- investment tool.  Archimedes has been replaced by ACORN and the lever by female anatomy.  And it’s not like old school ‘gold digging’ because we use new techniques; it’s more like entrepreneurial mining.  We’d rule the world already if we didn’t get PMS every thirty days and temporarily lose our minds.  At least it’s not a permanent condition like most of the men I know.”

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

In other news, CNEWS reported Friday that a new cleaning service features young women clad in French maid outfits, red stilettos and fishnet stockings. “They do the same job as regular cleaners, but they look fantastic doing it,” said Elise Skoglund, owner of Good Clean Fun exotic maid service, which opened up shop in Edmonton [Canada] last fall. For $125 an hour, a sexy maid will do everything from dusting the TV to wiping the counters, but toilets are a no-go zone. Skoglund explained that since the maid is already dressed in skimpy clothes and high heels, getting down on her hands and knees to clean the toilet would cross the line into degrading territory. No word on whether they’ve had plaster casts made of their vaginas or if they’re on Craigslist, but chances are they’re a better investment than General Motors and beat staring into space.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Article sources:

Kepler: Finding a ‘Goldilocks zone’ in the Milky Way
http://news.cnet.com/8301-11386_3-10190587-76.html

Cook County Sues Craigslist Over Prostitution Ads
http://www.pcworld.com/article/160803/cook_county_sues_craigslist_over_prostitution_ads.html

It’s the vagina model-ogues
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2296504.ece

‘Exotic’ maids naughty and neat
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2009/03/06/8649591-sun.html

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