Tag Archives: Rahm Emanuel

Obama’s Have Wild Night in Lincoln Bedroom

> New Leader starts “Hump Around the White House Tour”
> “Reflect on your life,” Abe Lincoln tells Barack

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 31, 2009

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama have been sleeping in a different room of the White House every night, with the goal of making-out in every one.  That’s the word from Inebriated Press tabloid reporter Inga Telouise-Frelove, who slipped a little cash to one of the White House staffers so they’d spill the beans.

“They’ve already made-out in the Oval Office and in the Bush’s old bedroom.  They’d been having a hell of a good time according to staffers, that is until they did the Lincoln Bedroom,” said Telouise-Frelove, reading from her notes and pausing to slam an occasional shot of Jack Daniels.  “They were going at it pretty heavy in the Lincoln Bedroom when Michelle let out a scream and shouted that Abraham Lincoln was standing beside the bed.  At first Barack thought she was having a fantasy about making out with Lincoln like she did Teddy Roosevelt earlier in the week, and kept banging away, but when she threw him into a pole lamp and his dick got caught in the fixture he realized something else was going on.  I only know all this is true because the staffer who told me all this is in charge of in-house spying and bedroom-bugging.”

Someone named Inga

Someone named Inga

According to Telouise-Frelove the White House staffer said that several Obama aids ran to the locked bedroom after Michelle started screaming, and heard Barack yell out “what do you want, you crazy black -hat -wearing bastard, and why are you staring at my wife’s tits?”  Staffers say they heard another man’s voice say, “Reflect on your life Obama. If I’d known the first black president in the White House would be a Socialist, I’d have thought twice about emancipation, and might not have gotten my brains blown out by that damn actor.  You’d better start fighting for individual freedom and less government, not more taxes and less liberty, you dumb shit.”

Not everyone thinks Lincoln appeared to the Obama’s or spoke to them.  “Lincoln is dead and buried, along with his ideals and common sense.  They no longer have a place in the White House, or the Federal Government for that matter,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff and all around low-life son-of-a-bitch (or so we’ve heard).  “Fairness, equality and liberty, opportunity to develop oneself from personal initiative, these are all hateful concepts of oppression foisted upon the common man by conservatives and Republicans who fail to understand the beauty of central power and income redistribution.  Barack has no reason to reflect on his life, I’ll continue to help him define it as we go.  There’s serious shit to do here, and there’s no place for ghosts or a president who starts doubting himself and has his dick caught in the furniture.”

Lincoln Bedroom

Lincoln Bedroom

The Obama’s have both denied that the Lincoln Bedroom saga ever happened or that they are on a “Hump Around the White House Tour”.  Speaking outdoors at the Obama Organic Garden yesterday, Michelle said she and Barack are respectful of the White House and have enjoyed exploring it, but do not engage in lewd behavior there.  “Besides,” she said, “until Baracks’ dick heals we’re pretty much just watching American Idol reruns at night.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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SUV’s Running on Human Fat, Brains With Implanted Sex-Chips, and Viagra Enhanced Trees

Inebriated Press
December 29, 2008

Mr Chip Implant

Mr Chip Implant

Forbes reported last week that a Beverly Hills doctor is converting the liposuctioned fat he removes from his patients into bio-fuel for his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. And News-Australia reported last week that scientists are working on an implantable electronic “sex chip” that stimulates pleasure centres in the brain.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported that researchers have found a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree.  Inebriated reporters say the new Obama Administration is planning to incorporate these developments into upcoming environmental and healthcare plans.

Lipo

Lipo

“One of our first initiatives will be to help obese Americans loose weight and improve their health as well as help our environment, by providing government funded liposuction for all over-weight citizens, and then converting their fat into fuel for our cars and trucks,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, as he sat polishing the sole of his shoe with the soul of a Republican.  “This initiative will be a multiple win as citizens get healthier from the weight loss, we reduce demand for foreign oil by burning the renewable fuel derived from millions of obese Americans, plus we get the added benefit of creating thousands of new lipo-sucking jobs in cities all across the country. And once we put sex-pleasure brain implants into all Americans of voting age that are triggered by president Obama’s voice, he’ll rule the country until the day he dies, and that will ensure that we’ll be able to put all of our important initiatives in place.  Its change we can all believe in and quiver with joy and newfound thinness about.  You can’t beat it.”

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

Not everyone agrees with Emanuel.  “Building America’s future energy dependence on the waists and thighs of Americans may seem like a good idea at first glance, but in reality, it will cost too much to refine the body fat into fuel in volumes enough to power our nation’s transportation system,” said Governor Sarah Palin, a grass-roots common-sense styled Republican who is naturally out of favor with liberals and Democrat and Republican elites and most other people who want government that isn’t of the people, by the people or for the people. “Renewable fuel has its place and so does Viagra, as do brain implants that treat symptoms like Parkinson’s disease. But we need to be careful when sticking electrodes into our heads for stimulating pleasure or erectile drugs into growing trees.  Some unnatural things can be harmful — like claiming that creating bigger government by hiring more people is a beneficial jobs program.  Eventually someone — usually the taxpayers — have to pay for it.  And that hurts the economy because they’re the only people creating real value as derived from the marketplace.  We better think hard about this stuff and not just do it because it sounds cool and then hope for the best.”

Ford SUV

Ford SUV

Forbes reported that liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them. For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

081230-brain-implantsAustralia’s News.com.au reported that scientists are working on an electronic “sex chip” that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. Stimulating this area can produce pleasure. Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters. 

Spruce

Spruce

The Local reported that Swedish researchers have found that a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs. Forestry professor Torgny Näsholm then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects. Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees. In essence it boosted the tree roots’ “virility.”

Some people say that virility and not body fat or brain implants are the key to the future. 

081230_kathy_ireland“Anything can be artificially enhanced by adding stimulants, or chemicals, or by chopping off stuff we don’t want — like fatty deposits.  But if you aren’t naturally virile as the result of diet and exercise and have usable energy sources like oil, coal and gas deposits in addition to renewable fuels, all you have is fake health and fake energy security,” said Kathy Irelandski, a philosophy major and northern European babe whose natural resources are lusted after by men everywhere.  “A healthy society and healthy economy require hard work, strong character, personal responsibility and strong adherence to common sense and practicality.  Bailouts, handouts and citizens and companies who all think they’re victims and need the government to provide for them, represents a country in decline.  America was built by people who came to this continent to take risks and build a future based on freedom and opportunity.  Western European welfare and tolerance for radical Muslims is not what made this country great for two hundred years and it won’t make us great in the future.  We the people had better pull our collective heads out of our asses, roll up our sleeves, and go to work and fix this America ourselves.  No government has ever fixed anything.”

Taser

Taser

In other news, Florida Freedom Newspapers reported last week that a Beach police officer tased a naked woman after responding to a complaint of a disturbance along Front Beach Road on Saturday. Just after midnight Saturday morning, a Bay County Sheriff’s deputy responding to a complaint of a verbal disturbance saw a woman leaving an apartment wearing no clothes. She started walking toward him, and he told her to stop. The woman kept approaching the officer, according to the report, which says the officer then “deployed his taser into” the woman. The report says the woman “remained on the front porch without further incident” once she had been tased. No word on why the woman did what she did or whether she had brain sex-pleasure implants or fuel laden hips, but she was apparently plenty virile.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Fill ‘Er Up With Human Fat
http://www.forbes.com/technology/2008/12/21/fat-fuel-biodiesel-tech-sciences-cz_pcb_1222fatfuel.html?feed=rss_technology

‘Sex chip’ will have us wired, Oxford University researcher Morten Kringelbach says
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24832642-36398,00.html

Erectile aid found to enhance spruce tree roots
http://www.thelocal.se/16490/

Naked woman tased by police officer
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_13677___article.html/officer_beach.html

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Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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