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Obama upbeat on Change in Iran, “Missing” Man took Break from Wife, and Girl’s body Dug Up to be “Corpse Bride”

> President Obama concerned but upbeat on Iran
> Man reported missing says wife told him to “go away”
> Five men arrested for exhuming corpse to be “ghost bride”

Inebriated Press
June 18, 2009

Obama: things are looking up in Iran

Obama: things are looking up in Iran

MSNBC reported Tuesday that President Obama is concerned about the election in Iran but sees more “openness” in the country as some voters express dissent.  And The Oregonian reported Monday that a man reported missing by his wife last week was located Saturday. But he says he wasn’t missing — just following his wife’s wishes to go away. Meanwhile the Telegraph reported Monday that five people have been arrested in China for digging up the corpse of a young woman to be a “ghost bride” for a man killed in a car crash. Pundits debate the nature of hope and change as it’s reflected in Iranian dissent, husbands who go away, and the wedded bliss of dead brides.

Someone named Wendy

Someone named Wendy

“The nature of cultural change is one of incremental development, often in an evolutionary sense and occasionally with a predisposition to growth and improvement based on hope and initiative.  This is exemplified in Iran with the careful rioting of the people and the governments thoughtful reaction of shooting them, and shutting down cell phone and Internet communications,” said Wendy Wontyou-Maybee, a nurse and part-time intellectual who believes that multidimensional space is subdivided by cats, but isn’t sure how.  “The ethereal nature of the dead being married to the dead is a spiritual connection and it’s enhanced for the wedding attendees by the actual digging up of the bodies, the sweat, the smell and the general fooling around.  The wandering off of a husband told to go away is also a sort of spiritual response filled with subtle meaning.  Barack Obama senses and understands all these things in a deeper way than mere mortals and that’s why he can speak intellectual teleprompter knowledge that transcends our brain waves to the extent that some people even think he’s absurd and almost stupid.  Barry’s genius exists at levels above the common people.  And no woman will ever tell him to ‘go away,’ because he’s a real hunk.  I say that in a metaphysical sense and with great meaning and nuance.  Nuance is so cool.  Sometimes I like to sit naked in a field and imbibe the ethereal nuance that is life. It’s really great except for the chigger bites.”

Someone named Ursula

Someone named Ursula

Not everyone agrees with Wontyou-Maybee. “This is some twisted shit, let me tell you.  There’s no ‘nature of hope and change’ to talk about here.  Obama and the five Chinese are off the rails, I don’t know about the husband who decided to ‘go away’.  There is lots of nasty stuff behind all three of these issues if we’re open and honest about it,” said Ursula Twice-Plaid, a scuba-diving instructor and part-time post master who values silicon and leather but likes individual freedom and personal responsibility even more.  “I don’t really get into judging other cultures and stuff, but digging up a dead woman to marry a dead guy is morose. The Chinese may have invented fireworks, but this dead marriage thing isn’t one of their highest achievements.  And the culture of Iran isn’t changing because there are some people pissed-off in that country.  They’re always pissed-off.  That’s why the Shah is gone and Islamofascists are running the damn country today.  I’m not saying there aren’t some people who want to change their government and make it more peaceful, but I am saying that some people complaining in a Middle Eastern country is hardly a sea change, let alone a reason for optimism.  I mean come on, think about it.”

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

MSNBC reported that President Barack Obama expressed “deep concerns” about the election in Iran and said the outpouring of political dissent signals more openness in that country. Republican Sen. John McCain urged more forceful condemnation of what he called a “flawed” election. Obama stopped short of saying the re-election of hard-liner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was rigged. “I do believe that something has happened in Iran,” with Iranians more willing to question the government’s “antagonistic postures” toward the world, Obama said. Obama has said nothing about the declared winner, Ahmadinejad, or the pro-change challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi whose supporters claim the election was stolen. After deadly protests in Tehran on Monday, with demonstrators holding signs that read, “Where Is My Vote,” the clerical regime organized a counter-rally Tuesday. Ahmadinejad traveled to Russia on Tuesday after delaying a trip for a day but did not mention the Iranian election or unrest. Instead, he focused on a traditional target, the United States. “America is enveloped in economic and political crises, and there is no hope for their resolution,” he said through an interpreter. “Allies of the United States are not capable of easing these crises.”

Not missing, just fishing

Not missing, just fishing

The Oregonian reported that a man reported missing by his wife last week was located Saturday. But he says he wasn’t missing — just following his wife’s wishes to go away. William Peterson told police he and his wife had an argument and she told him to get out. So, Peterson spent the week fishing and camping in Bend. His wife, Pam Peterson, said that the argument with her husband happened months ago, and that she forgot about telling her husband he could always leave. Apparently, her husband had not forgotten, she said. Peterson, 53, was reported to have left his home on June 6. Pam Peterson, told police her husband left on an overnight fishing trip without saying where he was going. He had done that before, but when he failed to appear at work she reported him missing.  Cornelius Police Cmdr. Ed Jensen said the search for Peterson involved the U.S. Forest Service, as well as law enforcement officers from Linn, Lane and Marion counties. He estimated that thousands of dollars were spent on the search.

Dying to become a bride?

Dying to become a bride?

The Telegraph reported that five people have been arrested in China for digging up the corpse of a young woman to be a “ghost bride” for a man killed in a car crash. The men were caught after unearthing the remains of a teenage girl who had poisoned herself after failing her university entrance exams last year, a newspaper in Xianyang in China’s Shaanxi province reported. In rural China, superstitious villagers have for centuries sought out the bodies of recently deceased women to be ghost brides for young men who die single. Marriage ceremonies are conducted for the two corpses, and the bride is placed in the same grave as her husband. Last year, a gang in southern China was arrested for strangling young women to sell as ghost brides when the supply of female corpses in their area ran short.

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

In other news, MSNBC reported Tuesday that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is defending her membership in an elite all-women’s club, telling senators the group doesn’t discriminate unfairly by gender even though men can’t belong to the club. She said the club “involves men” in many of its activities. No word on why a “wise Latina female” should be subject to such questioning when everyone knows that her very existence makes her more intelligent and more capable than most people, and white men in particular.  But perhaps some Americans are still struggling with the ethereal nature of “hope and change” based discrimination and haven’t adjusted to the finer points the new world Obama is making for us.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama troubled by Iran but sees change
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31390176/ns/world_news-mideastn_africa/

“Missing” Cornelius man was taking break from his wife
http://www.oregonlive.com/washingtoncounty/index.ssf/2009/06/missing_cornelius_man_was_taki.html

Teenage girl dug up to be ‘corpse bride’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5541242/Teenage-girl-dug-up-to-be-corpse-bride.html

Sotomayor defends women’s club membership
Judges’ code forbids joining groups that discriminate by sex, race, and religion
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31390593/ns/politics-white_house/

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Home Grown US Terrorism, Breastfeeding Boosts GPA, and Most American’s are Conservatives

> American-born Islamic murderer spikes fear of more
> Breastfeeding leads to higher grade point average and college attendance
> Gallup poll: 40% of Americans are conservative, 35% moderate, 21% liberal

Inebriated Press
June 17, 2009

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Associated Press reported Monday that an American-born Tennessee youth who became an Islamic extremist and then murdered U.S. Army recruiter Pvt. William Andrew Long on June 1 while he stood outside his Arkansas office smoking a cigarette, is sparking fears that there may be more.  And United Press International reported Monday that a new study shows that breastfeeding is associated with an increase in high school grade point average, and an increase in odds of attending college.  Meanwhile, Gallup reported on Monday that 40% of Americans interviewed in a new poll say their political views are conservative, while 35% consider themselves moderate, and 21% are liberal.  Pundits are debating how to get more people to breastfeed so their IQ’s are higher and they vote using common sense, so the U.S. will return to a free market economy, support individual and states’ rights, and fight terrorism in a practical waterboarding-if-necessary way in America and abroad.

Some guy named Zachary

Some guy named Zachary

“I think that with all the other crap the Democrats are sticking into their multi-trillion-dollar spending bills that we should be able to slip a breastfeeding provision into the healthcare bill.  If it’s found-out and fought by liberals, we may be able to get Bill Clinton to support it and offset them; I know he’s into breasts and stuff.  And once American’s are breastfeeding during office breaks and so-on, we’ll drive up the nations IQ average to a level where we’ll start behaving like traditional common-sense America again,” said Zachary Taylor-Maid, a golf shop pro and breast milk aficionado.  “I mean there’s serious shit to do, and we have to do it fast.  Obama is bankrupting the country and setting the stage for hyper inflation.  China, Russia and India are bailing U.S. Treasury’s and with U.S. printing presses hemorrhaging thousand dollar bills our currency will become worthless.  Meanwhile, he’s giving Miranda rights to terrorists in Afghanistan and taking away individual freedoms from Americans — all the way down to our friggin pocket knives.  Traditional America is on the ropes here.  The recent Republican Congress screwed up, but Obama and the Democrat Congress have us on a course to become a third world economy run by a Latin American styled dictatorship.  I’m worried whether there’s enough breast milk in America to turn this thing around as fast as we need to.”

Someone named Amy

Someone named Amy

“Not everyone thinks like Taylor-Maid.  “I’d be willing to chip-in a little breast milk if I was lactating, if I actually thought that creating a human breast milk product for American’s would be good for the country.  But let’s face it, this is crazy talk.  If you think that breast milk is better for you than Jack Daniels then you’ll probably also believe that Barack Obama doesn’t understand basic economics, rule of law and the U.S. Constitution.  We all know deep down that Barry is like a god and is doing an ingenious job of saving our country,” said Amy Clambake-Hymlick, an alfalfa sprout inspector and part-time nudist.  “The crazy right needs to chill out and realize that there are going to be an occasional US-born Islamic killer who shoots people because he disagrees with them. We’re all part of the whole world now, and there’ll probably be some Islamic extremist beheadings of Christians in the U.S. and there’ll probably be a few complaints when Barack creates his internal army and takes Americans guns and pocketknives away.  But it’s all part of the hope and change plan.  It’s nothing to worry about; Barry is simply integrating America into the world and making it more like a combination of the Middle East, Western Europe and Latin America.  Old style Constitutional law, individual freedom and free market economics don’t fit his vision.  It’s time we relax and get used to it.”

Arkansas JihadAssociated Press reported that Carlos Bledsoe’s transformation from Tennessee youth to an American-born Islamic extremist charged in a bloody rampage outside an Arkansas military recruiting station may signal an ominous new wave of violent homegrown jihadists, counterterror officials say. National security officials have long feared the emergence of a new breed of American militants who would raise little suspicion as they move in and out of the country carrying out the aims of terrorist groups like al-Qaida. Abdulhakim Muhammad, who grew up in Memphis, Tenn., converted to the Islamic faith, changed his name from Bledsoe, and traveled to Yemen in 2007. He was later arrested for overstaying his visa and deported back to the U.S. Muhammad was charged with killing Pvt. William Andrew Long, 23, of Conway, Ark., who had just completed basic training and was volunteering at the west Little Rock recruiting office before starting an assignment in South Korea. He was shot dead on June 1 while smoking a cigarette outside the building. An FBI-Homeland Security intelligence assessment document suggested Muhammad may have considered targeting other locations, including Jewish and Christian sites in several eastern U.S. cities.

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Muhammad, 23, told The Associated Press in a jail cell interview last week that the shootings were an “act for the sake of God, for the sake of Allah, the Lord of all the world, and also a retaliation on U.S. military.” Earlier this year four Muslim ex-convicts were arrested in New York for allegedly plotting to bomb synagogues and shoot down military planes. While federal authorities foiled the plan, the incident inflamed concerns about the spread of Islamic extremism in prisons. Counterterrorism officials warn that unless individuals attract attention either through criminal behavior or even threat-laced Internet postings, U.S.-born radicals — particularly those operating alone — could go unseen until they take action. “One of the scariest things is that we don’t have a profile for how someone becomes radicalized,” said counterterrorism expert Matthew Levitt. “It’s different for everybody.”

This is raising his IQ, right?

This is raising his IQ, right?

United Press International reported that breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school grade point average and an increase in the odds of attending college, U.S. researchers said. The study, published in the Journal of Human Capital, looked at the academic achievement of siblings — one of whom was breast fed as an infant and one of whom was not — found that an additional month of breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school GPA of 0.019 points and an increase in the probability of college attendance of 0.014. “The results of our study suggest that the cognitive and health benefits of breast feeding may lead to important long-run educational benefits for children,” Sabia said in a statement.

Click to enlarge

Click to enlarge

Gallup.com reported that thus far in 2009, 40% of Americans interviewed in national Gallup Poll surveys describe their political views as conservative, 35% as moderate, and 21% as liberal. This represents a slight increase for conservatism in the U.S. since 2008, returning it to a level last seen in 2004. The 21% calling themselves liberal is in line with findings throughout this decade, but is up from the 1990s. These annual figures are based on multiple national Gallup surveys conducted each year, in some cases encompassing more than 40,000 interviews. The 2009 data are based on 10 separate surveys conducted from January through May. Thus, the margins of error around each year’s figures are quite small, and changes of only two percentage points are statistically significant. Thus far in 2009, Gallup has found an average of 36% of Americans considering themselves Democratic, 28% Republican, and 37% independent. When independents are pressed to say which party they lean toward, 51% identify as Democrats, 39% as Republicans, and only 9% as pure independents.

Living on the edge

Living on the edge

In other news, Forbes reported on Saturday that driving is the greatest threat to a woman’s health. If you’re like most women, you probably think breast cancer or maybe heart disease is the greatest risk to your health. Guess again. The real culprit is getting behind the wheel. Automobile accidents are the leading cause of death in women under the age of 35, according to the Centers for Disease Control, and are also a major cause of traumatic brain injury and fatality in women of all ages. But before you throw in your keys for good, a wealth of new research shows that auto accidents are highly preventable. The single best way to stay safe can be summed up like so: “Avoid getting distracted while operating your vehicle.” 

Ben & Jerry'sNo word on whether consuming breast milk or driving during lactation has any impact, but American’s were certainly distracted during the recent elections and the country has crashed into a ditch and our leadership has accelerated us toward a massive cliff.  Here’s hoping we come to our senses with or without pausing for afternoon breast milk breaks.  Mmmm IQ-building GPA-enhancing sweet-breast-milk breaks … who cares what Obama is doing!     Sorry about that, I think Obama & Company may be driving me mad.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recruiter shootings spark homegrown terror fears
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090615/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_homegrown_radicals?ic

Breastfeeding may boost grades
http://www.upi.com/Health_News/2009/06/15/Breastfeeding-may-boost-grades/UPI-27101245042298/

“Conservatives” Are Single-Largest Ideological Group
http://www.gallup.com/poll/120857/Conservatives-Single-Largest-Ideological-Group.aspx

Driving is the real threat to a woman’s health
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20090611/Forbes_women_health_090613/20090613?s_name=Autos

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Japanese Girls like Tough Guys, Florida’s New Underwear Law, and Media’s View of Obama as God

> Women in Japan crazy about Shogun Warlords: “picture-perfect masculinity”
> City in Florida passes new law requiring underwear
> Newsweek Editor on Obama: “He’s sort of God”

Inebriated Press
June 16, 2009

Busted

Busted

The Mainichi Daily News reported Saturday that young women are flocking to landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. There is a constant shortage of men’s “armor” underwear and 80 percent of the buyers are women.  And Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that the Brooksville City Council has passed new rules that require people to wear clothes that “fit properly” and the wearing of underwear.  Enforcement of the new rules is in question.  Meanwhile, The New Republic reported that longtime Newsweek editor Evan Thomas told MSNBC’s Chris Matthew’s that Barack Obama stands above the country, above the world, as a “sort of God”.  Pundits are debating the power of underwear and Obama’s godhood.

Someone named Andrea

Someone named Andrea

“Pardon me if I don’t believe that Obama is God or that underwear in any form is destined to give me power I don’t currently have.  I understand the idea that putting great faith into something or someone can cause change in that it alters our perspectives and influences our behavior, but power and godhood from panties or a community organizer is a bit of a stretch,” said Andrea Aloha-Alabaster, a pastry chef and sensuous Hawaiian without a birth certificate who plans to run for government office some day.  “Political power is given by the people to a leader in the same way states grant authority to the federal government.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.  The federal government should not impose its will upon the states, unless the states grant it that right.  And no president should impose their will, or act like a god, unless the citizens establish that power within the presidency — and they have not.  Obama is no god, and my underwear, although silky and comfortable when I wear them, grants me no greater power than I carry already as an American citizen and an intelligent and cogent human being.  I am as I should be, let government and elected leaders be as they should be.  Now enough of the bullshit.”

Power underwear

Power underwear

Not everyone sees it the way Aloha-Alabaster does.  “When I have on my red underwear and garters with black stockings I wield power over men that I don’t have if I just wear my pink panties with the days-of-the-week on them.  There’s no question in my mind that the right underwear gives me power well beyond that of a typical person on a Tuesday.  And Barack Obama is way more than an organizer; he clearly is a god, maybe THEE god, because no typical organizer without government or business experience could have been elected president of the United States.  He must be god — or a demon — I’m pretty sure he’s the god thing,” said Cassy Sassy-Leather, a pole polisher down at the Hot Lace and Cool Leather Lounge.  “And power simply accrues to those who wield it indiscriminately unless they’re restricted.  No one is restricting Barack, so he’s on his way to ruling as god on earth.  And the federal government is absorbing states rights and assuming their power.  It’s no big deal; it’s just the way things work if no one stops it.  See this black bra and these red satin panties?  Watch me walk past those guys over there.  They’d kiss my ass and worship me if I asked them.  I’m like a god with these on in here.  Only Obama can get his ass kissed more than I can, but then he actually is god so you have to expect that.”

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

The Mainichi Daily News reported that young women are flocking to significant landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. Sales of historical books are up, and there have been efforts to revive the publication of paperbacks on warlords. On weekends, Jidai Shobo, a bookstore specializing in historical books in Tokyo’s Chiyoda Ward, is packed with groups of young women. Stationery and mobile phone accessories with family crests of feudal lords line the shelves, with figurines of Sanada Yukimura, the most popular of the warlords, and others also for sale. “I like Kato Kiyomasa,” says customer Izumi Sekine, 34, of a warlord who served the shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu. “There’s an almost picture-perfect masculinity about him.”  More unorthodox products have seen a boost in sales as well. There is a constant shortage in stock of Sido brand underwear or men’s “armor” underwear, which cost a considerable 9,240 a pair. According to Tokyo-based manufacturer Rogin, about 80 percent of buyers are women. Researcher Tetsuaki Higashida from the Dentsu Communication Institute suggests that women are attracted to the masculinity of these warlords, compared to the more passive modern men that they know.

Can't work in this town girl

Can't work in this town girl

The St. Petersburg Times reported that if you want to work for the city of Brooksville, be sure that you use deodorant, that your clothes fit properly and that you cover up your wounds and tattoos. And, for goodness sake, wear underwear. If not, you could violate the city’s new dress code. The Brooksville City Council approved a dress and appearance policy by a count of 4-1 this month, with only Mayor Joe Bernardini casting the dissenting vote. He questioned how the code would be interpreted and enforced. “They said you had to wear undergarments,” Bernardini said, “but who’s going to be the judge of that? Sometimes when it comes to certain people going bra-less, it’s obvious. But who’s staring to see if that person doesn’t have underwear on?” City department heads and managers will be required to interpret and enforce the dress code.

"He's sort of God"

"He's sort of God"

The New Republic reported that Evan Thomas, a longtime editor at Newsweek, told Chris Matthews’s on MSNBC: “I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.” Such words would wreak havoc on any person’s ego, even Barack Obama’s. It also would enrage his enemies. After all, the president has told us that he is a mere student of history, and that he is. But history these days is no longer a discipline inclined to defend the truthfulness of its claims or the reasonableness of its arguments or the plausibility of its conclusions. More and more, history has become a competition between and among narratives, self-consciously disdainful of what we used to think of as fact. In this intellectual competition, the losers almost always win or, at least, they win the “moral argument.” Not in real history, mind you, but in many a Western professor’s classroom. And, sometimes, in an American president’s mind.

The truth is that Barack Obama has a penchant for narratives and yet an inclination to rise above them. Two grand but antithetical stories about the same problem, awaiting him and his Olympian skill for the discovery of “common ground”: That is Obama’s favorite script. He regards himself as a kind of unprecedented referee between histories and philosophies. He likes to think that he can see what others cannot see and that, therefore, they must come to him if they wish to live in peace and with meaning.

Obama: New GodIn addressing American intelligence and security professionals at the National Archives, the president aimed at bridging differences by showing that apparent contradictions are not contradictions at all and that everything will go together, if only for as long as he is speaking. National security that never compromises national values? No problem. National values that guarantee national security? Say it and it will be done. Yes, we have values that elevate and restrict us at once, the ideal of free men and women that procedurally protects also the guilty and the wicked–and never mind that, absent energetic domestic and international defenses, these principles would be outmaneuvered and outclassed on both fronts. And again at Notre Dame, the same above-it-all structure of rhetorical conciliation was applied by Obama to the subject of abortion. “Open hearts. Open minds. Fair-minded words.” Nice enough. But the debate on abortion will not be so tidily retired. All of this is rising above but not really reconciling anything. [Editors note: some people refer to Obama’s rhetorical approach as an exercise in “bullshit”; that’s a technical term]

Sex on the beachIn other news, Live Science reported on Friday that summer time sex is risky. With its warm nights, the summer season often brings out the best and the most adventurous feelings of love and lust. Why confine sex to the bedroom, or even the house, when there are beaches and pools and hot tubs to host our most private moments? A few reasons, as it turns out. Condom companies don’t test their products in such a condition, and therefore can’t vouch for their effectiveness when used in pools, hot tubs or other wet and wild setups. You might want to avoid water sex anyway, as improperly maintained pools, hot tubs and Jacuzzis can be breeding grounds for bacteria. And sand isn’t so good either.  According to researchers, 91 percent of the beaches they studied had detectable levels of enterococci (bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections, endocarditis, diverticulitis and meningitis), and 62 percent of them had traces of E. coli. No word on how masculinity-seeking Japanese women feel about summer sex but I’m sure that Obama’s national healthcare plan will have something to say on the subject.  And it’ll be right on target.  Because god always is.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

New wave of ‘history girls’ wooed by warlords’ masculinity
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/mdnnews/national/news/20090613p2a00m0na027000c.html

Brooksville’s new dress code requires deodorant, underwear
http://www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article1009923.ece

Narrative Dissonance
“I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.”
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=cd70b25d-12b5-4f6f-8fd3-4a965be569f3

The Risks of Summer Sex
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090612/sc_livescience/therisksofsummersex

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Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Beware of: Falling Computers, Bacteria Laced Skin Care Products, and the Obama Administration

> Home Computer Injuries Leap
> FDA warns against using Clarcon skin products
> U.S. Representative tells China not to believe Obama on Budget

Inebriated Press
June 11, 2009

Risky computer behavior

Risky computer behavior

HealthDay News reported on Tuesday that from 1994 to 2006 there has been a 732 percent increase in home computer injuries nationwide.  Research shows that a growing number of people are tripping over cables and getting hit by falling equipment.  And Associated Press reported Monday that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is warning consumers not to use skin products made by Clarcon because of high levels of disease-causing bacteria.  Meanwhile, The Straits Times reported Tuesday that Representative Mark Kirk (R-IL) told Chinese leaders that the US budget deficit could be larger than predicted and the budget that the US government has put forward should not be believed.  Inebriated reporters heavily medicated with Jack Daniels, put forth their view of truth and lies.

Someone named Suzi

Someone named Suzi

“Who gives a rats ass what Republicans say about the budget or the FDA says about skin care products or whether computers are falling from the sky.  Life is risky and if you’re going to be alive for a while, you assume some risks of a personal and financial nature, what the hell.  Anyway, you can’t believe most things that politicians and the government say,” said Suzi Blaktape-Mostly, an occasional reporter when wearing clothing and deciding to behave respectable.  “It’s all one big crap shoot and the administration is lying about the budget and the Republicans are telling tales to the Chinese.  So what?  FDA officials are probably getting fewer kickbacks under this administration so they’re squeezing the skin care companies by talking the bacteria thing.  And no computer has fallen from the sky near me.  I think it’s people getting hurt during rough sex that are using computer injury as an excuse because it’s easier to explain.  At least that’s what I do.”

Someone named Rachael

Someone named Rachael

Not everyone sees it like Blaktape-Mostly.  “The Republicans are telling it the way it is, whether that’s to the Chinese or the American people.  The Obama administration is spending trillions with no revenue stream, and that’s a fact.  And the FDA is trying its damndest to stop people from harming themselves with bad products.  It’s what they do and why the agency exists.  As far as computer injuries go, it just makes sense that if there are more PC’s around then the likelihood of people bumping into them or tripping over the cables is just going to increase,” said Rachael Holddmi-Tiet, an occasional columnist when she’s not working iron at Mikes Steel Mill and BBQ Strip Club.  “It’s true that politicians and government officials stretch the truth, but the Obama administration is setting a whole new standard for misdirection and outright falsehood.  I can’t believe that Obama and his minions are so stupid that they believe they can spend trillions of dollars and have a healthy budget and an inflation free economy.  So that means they have to be lying about it.  Of course I admit I still think that logic can prevail and that people aren’t all morons, so I give common sense a chance.  Maybe that’s the flaw in my thinking.”

Beware of killer computers!HealthDay News reported that computers are everywhere in the home these days — the office, the kid’s room, maybe even on the kitchen table. And that, according to new research, has led to more people showing up in emergency rooms with computer-related injuries. That increase has not been slight: From 1994 to 2006, injuries caused by people tripping over computer wires or getting hit by falling equipment rose from about 1,300 a year to 9,300 a year, an increase of 732 percent nationwide. Children under the age of 5 had the highest injury rate. The leading cause of injury for small children, and for adults over 60, was tripping or falling over computer equipment. But while most injuries were to the extremities such as the arms or legs, young children were five times more likely than other age groups to sustain a head injury.

FDA WarningAssociated Press reported that the Food and Drug Administration warned consumers Monday not to use skin products made by Clarcon because of high levels of disease-causing bacteria found during a recent inspection. Clarcon Biological Chemistry Laboratory Inc. of Roy, Utah, issued a voluntary recall of some skin sanitizers and skin protectants marketed under several different brand names, the FDA said in a statement. Consumers should not use any Clarcon products and should throw them away, the FDA said. Analyses of several samples of over-the-counter topical antimicrobial skin sanitizer and skin protectant products revealed high levels of various bacteria, including some associated with unsanitary conditions, according to the agency. Some of these bacteria can cause opportunistic infections of the skin and underlying tissues and could result in medical or surgical attention as well as permanent damage.

Obama budgetThe Straits Times reported that senior Chinese leaders have privately voiced fear over the soaring US budget deficit and are increasingly looking to diversify from the dollar, Representative Mr Mark Kirk said Monday after a trip to China that included talks with government officials and central bank chief Dr Zhou Xiaochuan. Mr Kirk’s assessment differed with that of Treasury Secretary Mr Timothy Geithner, who said last week on a separate visit that Chinese leaders had expressed ‘justifiable confidence’ on the future of the recession-hit US economy. Mr Kirk said that Chinese leaders were sharply critical in private of the US Federal Reserve’s policy of ‘quantitative easing’ – a form of flooding the financial system with cash, which critics deride as printing imaginary money. Government officials estimate a deficit of 1.841 trillion US dollars for the 2009 budget. 

Lying fun!Mr Kirk, a former diplomat who remains an active reservist in the US Navy, is seen as a rising star in the Republican Party and is eyeing a run next year for Mr Obama’s former US Senate seat in Illinois. He said he told the Chinese that the budget deficit could be even bigger than predicted, due in part to the rising costs to the US economy of health care. “One of the messages I had – because we need to build trust and confidence in our number one creditor – is that the budget numbers that the US government has put forward should not be believed,” Mr Kirk said. “Congress is actually going to spend quite a bit more,” he said. China is the largest creditor to the United States with some 700 billion dollars invested in Treasury bonds.

The nest may be empty ...

The nest may be empty ...

In other news, CNN reported Tuesday that parents adjusting to the last of their children leaving home, find that at first they’re depressed, but then couples spend more time with friends, have impromptu dates and more sex. “I absolutely miss my kids,” said Jane Shure, a 54-year-old mother of two from Philadelphia, who officially became an empty nester in August 2007.  “But I’m enjoying a really full life now.” Sara Gorchoff, Ph.D., a postdoctoral researcher at UC Berkeley, says a fall Sunday with the kids can now become a chance to go hiking together; raucous family meals turn into intimate dinners for two. And sex can regain some of the old abandon of the pre-children days.  No word on how ’empty nesters’ feel about Obama’s budget numbers or bacteria laden skin care products, but my guess is that more of them are in emergency rooms claiming to have been injured by computers rather than from having sex with reckless abandon.  But I’m only guessing.  There’ll probably be a stimulus funded study coming out to tell us the facts any day now.  Just as soon as the tattoo removal in L.A. is completed.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Computers Causing Injuries in the Home
http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20090609/hl_hsn/computerscausinginjuriesinthehome

FDA warns against using Clarcon skin products
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090609/ap_on_go_ot/us_clarcon_recall

China airs fears: congressman
http://www.straitstimes.com/Overcoming%2BThe%2BStorm/Latest%2BStories/Story/STIStory_387854.html

Sex and other perks of empty nesting
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/06/09/o.end.empty.nest.syndrome/index.html

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NASA says Sun Causes Global Warming, Microsoft says Obama Tax Plan Will Cause Global Relocation; and Judge Rules Party Girl Can Go Out Saturday Nights

> New NASA study shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
> Microsoft CEO talks offshore move over Obama Tax Scheme
> Girl Guilty of Assault at Party gets Saturdays Off from Curfew

Inebriated Press
June 9, 2009

Party girl, or realist?

Party girl, or realist?

The Dakota Voice reported Friday that a new NASA study has determined that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate, and evidence for climate change based on the sun can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution.  And Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Microsoft CEO Steven Ballmer said they will move employees offshore if Congress enacts Obama’s plan to put higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits.  Meanwhile, United Press International (UPI) reported on Friday that a judge sentenced a 19-year old girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party.  Pundits are debating the existence of “cause and effect” during the new era of Obamanomic relativism built on “hope and change”.

Someone named Penelope

Someone named Penelope

“Old school ‘forces of nature’ are irrelevant in this new age of economic and moral relativism, and just going with the flow of ethereal thought, government spending and passivism toward countries like Iran and North Korea as well as organizations like Al Qaeda and Hamas, is the way to find peace and happiness.  Obama’s new socialist America will make all of our dreams come true.  Besides, resistance is futile,” said Penelope Psyborg-Pusch, an amateur rocket scientist and part-time stripper at the Blonde Heifer Lounge and Waffle House.  “NASA is being silly about the sun, everyone knows that humans impact the earth’s temperature more than solar power, Al Gore proved that when he said it was so.  And no company will really relocate from the U.S. just because the Obama tax plan will take more of their profits and redistribute them to liberal voters.  Such talk by a company CEO is just bluster.  Now the girl who assaulted people at parties, she should be able to still go to parties, so that judge who said she needed to stay home weeknights but not weekends was right on.  No one should really be held responsible for their behavior as though their actions caused something.  The whole cause and effect theory is behind us now, and no longer relevant.  Obama is the new master of the economic world, as well as the physical world and time and space.  The quicker we realize that, the happier we’ll all be.  I wonder why my foot hurts.  A car ran over it earlier today but that couldn’t be the cause.  It’s just some random bodily event I suppose.  Like my period.”

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

Not everyone agrees with Psyborg-Pusch.  “Anyone can say that natural laws no longer exist and deny them if they want, but it doesn’t make them go away.  Pretending we impact the planet more that the celestial bodies around us, or that over-taxed companies won’t react to preserve themselves by abandoning the country they were founded in, is wrong not to mention it’s the height of arrogance.  The sun impacts the earth more than a few thousand SUV’s and Obama’s tax plans will cause the relocation of U.S. corporations to countries that are more tax friendly.  Cause and effect lives on,” said Linda Staiefree-Powers, a former pacifist-atheist who turned to god and guns after the Obama election.  “And if you think Obama’s massive spending won’t result in inflation and that the huge debt won’t crush the U.S. economically and even militarily, you’re dreaming.  The arrogance of some people astonishes me.  Socialism has never worked before, why will the Obama version be successful?  And some people think that with a few hundred years of data we can actually ‘know’ that you and I are changing the earth’s temperature and it’s not part of a thousand year cycle?  We think we alone exist in time and space that that no beings besides us exist in other dimensions that we can’t see?  In our little time crawling around on this planet we believe we’ve figured out that there are no gods and that relative ethics are humankind’s best hope for peace and harmony?  Our arrogance is truly amazing.  We know we understand more of the universe today than humans a thousand years ago, but we discount that humans a thousand years from now will know more than us.  And we think we have everything figured out.  Morons.  Will we refuse to learn from economic history, and deny the natural law inside our consciences as evidence that we came from more than dirt?  We lapse between belief that we’re animals or gods.  We’re both.  But too often we act like devils and behave dumber than cats.”

Global WarmingThe Dakota Voice reported that we have still more evidence that any warming occurring on planet earth is coming from natural sources and is cyclic in nature–NOT from the evil capitalism that Al Gore, the UN politicians at the IPCC and other socialists love to blame. A new study from NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland looking at climate data over the past century has concluded that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate. The report concludes that evidence for climate changes based on solar radiation can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution. Past research has shown that the sun goes through eleven year cycles. At the cycle’s peak, solar activity occurring near sunspots is particularly intense, basking the Earth in solar heat. According to Robert Cahalan, a climatologist at the Goddard Space Flight Center, “Right now, we are in between major ice ages, in a period that has been called the Holocene.”

global warmingSolar activity is increasing, and we are coming out of the “Little Ice Age” of just a few hundred years ago. Of course the planet is warming–we’re coming out of a cold spell! The Maunder Minimum period of diminished solar activity coincided with the Little Ice Age when Europe and North America experienced bitterly cold winters. About 1,000 years ago, Greenland was warm enough for the Vikings to colonize and grow vineyards.  Today Greenland is almost entirely covered in ice.  Tell me: is the earth warmer today than it was 1,000 years ago?  Did they have SUVs and coal power plants in the days of the Vikings?  This isn’t tough to figure out, people. The only thing tough about the global warming debate is trying to get the facts to match the socialist agenda of the global warming proponents.  Try as they might, they just can’t do it, and more and more people are starting to see that.

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Bloomberg reported that Microsoft Corp. Chief Executive Officer Steven Ballmer said the world’s largest software company would move some employees offshore if Congress enacts President Barack Obama’s plans to impose higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits. “It makes U.S. jobs more expensive,” Ballmer said in an interview. “We’re better off taking lots of people and moving them out of the U.S. as opposed to keeping them inside the U.S.” Obama on May 4 proposed outlawing or restricting about $190 billion in tax breaks for offshore companies over the next decade. Such business groups as the National Foreign Trade Council, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the Business Roundtable have denounced the proposed overhaul. U.S. tax rules let companies defer paying corporate rates as high as 35 percent on most types of foreign profits as long as that money remains invested overseas. Obama says he wants to end such incentives to keep foreign profits tax-deferred so that companies would invest them in the U.S.  Ballmer said that, while the Obama proposals would preserve expense deductions related to research and experimentation costs, the overall deduction limits for companies that defer tax on foreign profits would raise the cost of employing U.S. workers. Fiduciary responsibility to shareholders would require Microsoft to cut costs, he said, meaning many jobs would be moved out of the country. Ballmer estimated that higher taxes under the proposal would reduce profits for companies that comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average by between 10 and 15 percentage points. “It’s just a question of how much will the Dow come down,” Ballmer said. “It’s not about companies anyway; we’re talking about shareholders.”

Just some party girl

Just some party girl

UPI reported that a judge in England sentenced a teenage girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party. Judge William Hart told Lisa Partington, 19, she had a curfew from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. every day for the next two months — except Saturdays. “I give you one day off a week because it is summer and I don’t think it is necessarily in your interests for you to be confined to your home every evening of the week for the next two months,” the judge was quoted by the newspaper as saying. Partington had admitted assaulting Kimberley Moxham at a party in September.

IRS version of Flat TaxIn other news, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would like to see “radical” proposals come out of a commission now studying an overhaul of the state’s tax system, like “a 15% straight tax.” The current system, based on highly unstable income tax revenue that fluctuates with the economy, “doesn’t work,” Schwarzenegger said. Advocates of a flat tax, which applies a single tax rate to all income, say it increases compliance with the tax codes because it is so simple and easy to understand. But opponents dislike that it taxes the wealthy at the same rates as the poor.  No word on why these people don’t understand that the poor don’t pay income taxes, and that a flat tax is inherently fair, but then in a world where cause and effect no longer is in vogue and relative economics and ethics prevail, I should be getting used to this kind of insanity.  It’s no longer about common sense; it’s about “hope and change”.  As defined by the Obama minions. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 
Source articles:

NASA Study Shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
http://www.dakotavoice.com/2009/06/nasa-study-shows-sun-responsible-for-planet-warming/

Ballmer Says Tax Would Move Microsoft Jobs Offshore
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=amBiYGyHOkZ8

Judge gives girl Saturdays off from curfew
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/06/05/Judge-gives-girl-Saturdays-off-from-curfew/UPI-38781244249132/

Schwarzenegger suggests state consider flat tax
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/06/flat-tax.html

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Schools Dodge Reality, “God” quotes Jimmi Hendrix, and Brothel features Male Prostitutes

> High School rejects valedictorian’s speech as “too real”
> Boy chosen as next Dalai Lama quotes Hendrix, bails Buddhist order
> Battling recession, brothel adds men for bigger market reach

 
Inebriated Press
June 8, 2009
 

Can this be marketed?

Can this be marketed?

Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported Friday that Springstead High School has rejected Jem Lugo’s valedictory graduation speech because it was “too real”.  Lugo said nobody really tells students what they need to know in life and she set out to do it. “Get money,” was first on her to-do list.  And the UK Guardian reported a week ago Sunday that Osel Hita Torres, who was selected as a toddler to be the next Dalai Lama and put on a throne and worshipped by monks, has rejected the path and now is more likely to quote Jimi Hendrix than Buddha.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Friday that a Nevada brothel suffering from the recession thinks it’s been ignoring half the market – the half that prefers men – and is looking for male prostitutes.  Pundits are debating reality and illusion, and wondering how much longer American’s will ignore the disconnect between their love of Obama and their dislike for his policies.
 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Polls have repeatedly shown that American’s like Obama and are hopeful that he’ll be a good president, but the same polls also show that the majority of American’s dislike his policies and think that they’re extremely risky and even economically dangerous,” said Sandy Shore-Beachead, a lithe and fertile thinker who sells furniture for money but gives good advice for free.  “They’re behaving like the Springhead High School administration that prefers to deal in platitudes and ignore the reality of what people are really facing.  It’s far better to step up to the plate like Osel Hita Torres who knows he’s not really god, and the brothel in Nevada that woke up to the fact that it’s been ignoring one half of the marketplace.  American’s need to realize that Obama IS his policies and all of his left-wing appointees reflect HIS beliefs and what HE WANTS the United States to become.  This blind stupor that has American’s thinking that Obama’s a great guy who somehow is surrounded by idiotic policy and leftist appointees as though it’s some accident or irrelevant illusion is ‘bullshit’.  That’s a technical term for the actual meaning of most things Obama says.  It’s time that people wake up and start acting within the reality that’s around them and stop pretending that Obama’s colorful rhetoric is somehow ‘truth’.  He’s no god either and hyper-spending will drive hyper-inflation and destroy this fine country.”
 

Someone named Mora

Someone named Mora

Not everyone agrees with Shore-Beachead.  “Obama is the light-bringer destine across time for this moment and he’ll lead us to a Statist-American paradise where all his appointed czars and state ownership of major corporations, control of healthcare and the environment, will bring us to nirvana,” said Mora Mi-Lov, a clerk at the Divine Smoke-Room and Vicks VapoRub Emporium, where her smile and gentle voice sooths the harried populous at $75 per hour.  “There’s no place in the Obama Age for a new Dalai Lama when the true light-bringer has come.  And schools are places of education so they know what valedictorians ought to say — we all know that this is the new era of platitudes and we shouldn’t let student upstarts start throwing around plain language that belongs in yesterday’s world.  As far as the brothel with male prostitutes goes, that works for me.”

Platitudes-R-Us

Platitudes-R-Us

The St. Petersburg Times reported when Jem Lugo, an 18-year-old Spring Hill resident bound for Harvard University, sat down to write her valedictory graduation speech, the Springstead High School senior tried to keep it real for her peers in the Class of 2009. But Lugo, who earned an unweighted 3.98 grade-point average, says she made it much too real for school officials who work with valedictorians each year to ensure their graduation speeches are appropriate. Lugo says Springstead principal Susan Duval rejected the address and told her to start over. Lugo says that the senior class sponsor, who read the speech first, used the word “appalled.”

“Nobody in speeches ever tells you what you actually need to know in life,” Lugo wrote. “I’m going to remind you of some basic concepts you can actually apply to your life. Crazy, right?” First, she says, “Get money. Do something with your life where you’re able to have a steady, reliable source of income.” The speech is full of other practical lessons, Lugo says. Say please and thank you. Keep in touch with high school friends. Don’t become a workaholic. Stand for something. “If you ever achieve any sort or fame or acclaim in your life, don’t mess it up,” she wrote. “Think Michael Phelps and Britney Spears.” According to Lugo, principal Duval told her she understood her aim for originality but warned the speech might offend some. On Thursday, Springstead’s graduation day, Lugo read another, shorter speech that did garner approval.

"God" during pre-Hendrix days

"God" during pre-Hendrix days

The Guardian reported that as a toddler, he was put on a throne and worshipped by monks who treated him like a god. But the boy chosen by the Dalai Lama as a reincarnation of a spiritual leader has caused consternation – and some embarrassment – for Tibetan Buddhists by turning his back on the order that had such high hopes for him. Instead of leading a monastic life, Osel Hita Torres now sports baggy trousers and long hair, and is more likely to quote Jimi Hendrix than Buddha. He bemoaned the misery of a youth deprived of television, football and girls. Movies were also forbidden – except for a sanctioned screening of The Golden Child starring Eddie Murphy, about a kidnapped child lama with magical powers. “I never felt like that boy,” he said. He is now studying film in Madrid and has denounced the Buddhist order that elevated him to guru status. “They took me away from my family and stuck me in a medieval situation in which I suffered a great deal,” said Torres, 24, describing how he was whisked from obscurity in Granada to a monastery in southern India. “It was like living a lie,” he told the Spanish newspaper El Mundo. Despite his rebelliousness, he is still known as Lama Tenzin Osel Rinpoche and revered by the Buddhist community.

Shady_Lady_Ranch_brothel,_Nye_County,_NevadaThe Associated Press reported that the owner of a Nevada brothel suffering from the recession thinks she has been ignoring about half the market – the half that prefers men. Bobbi Davis is looking for male prostitutes to help expand the clientele at the Shady Lady Ranch, her small roadside brothel about 150 miles north of Las Vegas. “We’ve had requests for men in the past, and there’s nothing else like this out there,” she said. Indeed, the 25 legal brothels scattered throughout 10 rural Nevada counties are staffed by women and cater to men. Nevada Brothel Association lobbyist George Flint says other brothels have approached him with the idea lately to drum up business. Like Nevada’s gambling, hotel and convention industries, the prostitution business has hit hard times. Flint estimates that bordellos have seen a roughly 50 percent drop in revenue since the economy turned sour.

Don't tell me she can't throw hard

Don't tell me she can't throw hard

In other news, CBS-TV 12 in West Palm Beach, Florida reported that when life handed a 40-year-old woman lemons, she used them and got arrested. During an argument at her North Military Trail home, Mandi Valentine threw several lemons at her husband and he was afraid he would be hit, he told police. Police arrested her the next morning and she was released from Palm Beach County Jail around lunchtime on her own recognizance. She is charged with simple assault. No word on how she feels about valedictorian speeches or the Dalai Lama, but based on how she acts with her husband she may be considering a male prostitute who’ll just do what she pays him to do. Or maybe not. You can only guess about people who throw lemons; its way easier to predict the behavior of people who implement government policies that are real lemons, because they’re always trying to screw somebody.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com
 

Source articles:

 Springstead High valedictorian’s speech rejected as too real
http://www.tampabay.com/news/education/k12/article1007433.ece?71
 
Boy chosen by Dalai Lama turns back on Buddhist order
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/may/31/dalai-lama-osel-hita-torres
 
Nevada brothel features male prostitutes
http://www.wbbm780.com/Nevada-brothel-features-male-prostitutes/4542045
 
Woman arrested for throwing lemons at husband
http://www.cbs12.com/news/arrested-4717214-lemons-husband.html

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Rustlers steal Queen’s Cattle, Obama more Left than Chavez, and Mafia ruins Teen’s Shopping Spree

> Cattle Rustlers Stole Cows from Queen Elizabeth’s estate
> Venezuela’s Chavez says “Comrade” Obama’s Nationalization of GM Makes Him the Most Left-Wing
> Girls use Mafia to crack parents safe, worked, but not quite as hoped

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2009

Got a safe on ya?  You're not Mafia, right?

Got a safe on ya? You're not Mafia, right?

Reuters reported on Wednesday that cattle rustlers stole prized cattle from an English estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened for the royal table.  And, Reuters reported Tuesday that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez says he and Cuban leader Fidel Castro are more conservative than U.S. President Obama, as Barack prepares to nationalize General Motors Corporation.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported on Wednesday that two teenage girls who took the family safe to finance a day of shopping, asked a mafia guy to break it open for them.  They never saw it again.  Pundits are contemplating the ethical and practical implications of cattle rustling, nationalization of industry and ripping off your parents. 

Someone named Honey

Someone named Honey

“All’s fair in love, war, politics and elementary physics … as well as cattle rustling, robbing your own parents and other stuff if you can get away with it,” said Honey Sukle-Kreme, a candy store manager and part-time stripper down at the Sweet and Sassy Beer and Haircare Shoppe.  “There aren’t any real rights or wrongs, I think that’s been established by the theory of relativity and the Woodstock music festival, so we really should just move on.  I mean, some people still get hung up on the idea that stealing someone’s cattle, or over-taxing the middle class, or even nationalizing major industries because you can — is wrong or something.  It’s nothing of the kind.  If you have the power and the will to do any of those things, then you do it if you want to.  It’s basic evolutionary theory — survival of the fittest.  If I’m stronger than you I can take your stuff, whether you’re my parents, the queen, or private enterprise.  If you don’t like it, suck it, there’s nothing you can do.  I’d talk about this more, but my car is parked outside and the meter is about to expire.  If I don’t put some money in it I’ll have to pay a fine.  Why the damn meter officials don’t grasp the reality of relativity and Woodstock, and forget about giving me tickets I just don’t know.  Obama will fix that one of these days.  He’s a fixer kind of guy from Chicago you know.”

Someone named Wanda

Someone named Wanda

Not everyone exudes the same nectar as Sukle-Kreme.  “Holy crap, rustlers ripped off the queen and Obama is ripping off private enterprise, that’s some crazy shit.  Now the mafia ripping off some stupid girls is no biggy, what did the girls expect — they’ve never watched any mafia movies or something?  On the other hand American’s have had to have seen a few socialists, at least in history class, and should have known what Obama the community organizer was up to.  Sometimes people come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave,” said Wanda Silikon-Basil, a buxom gardener known for her uncommon genius — mainly with fertilizer and bustiers.  “I tend to be pretty easy going and am pretty much an optimist, but I’m worried about whether the Queen is going to have enough beef to get her through the winter.  She’s getting along in age and it’s important that she gets enough protein.  As far as the U.S. goes with nationalization of industry, I could worry about that too, but the voters chose a one-term Senator whose only experience was in community organizing, and he’s never run a business or government — so the Americans are getting what they asked for.  You vote like a dumb shit and you get that kind of governance.  Stupid is as stupid does.  I’m not staying awake nights worrying about an idiotic decision like that.”

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Queen Liz: Where's my beef?

Reuters reported that cattle rustlers stole prized cows and bulls from an English country estate of Queen Elizabeth that were being fattened up for the royal dining table. Tony Barratt, the farmer in charge of some 300 livestock on the British queen’s Sandringham estate in southeastern England, told Reuters on Wednesday that police were investigating the disappearance of the cattle over the last week and said they had probably been illegally slaughtered by now. “It makes me so angry because this is beef which is enjoyed by the queen herself,” said Barratt.

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Comrades Obama and Chavez

Reuters reported that Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez said on Tuesday that he and Cuban ally Fidel Castro risk being more conservative than U.S. President Barack Obama as Washington prepares to take control of General Motors Corp. During one of Chavez’s customary lectures on the “curse” of capitalism and the bonanzas of socialism, the Venezuelan leader made reference to GM’s bankruptcy filing, which is expected to give the U.S. government a 60 percent stake in the 100-year-old former symbol of American might. “Hey, Obama has just nationalized nothing more and nothing less than General Motors. Comrade Obama! Fidel, careful or we are going to end up to his right,” Chavez joked on a live television broadcast. Chavez, a vehement critic of the U.S. “empire,” has toned down his rhetoric since Obama took office in January. Obama and the federal government will take control of GM after a $30 billion injection of taxpayer funds.

Two Swedish girls

Two Swedish girls

The Local reported that two Swedish teenage girls who took a family safe to finance a day of shopping allege their plans were spoiled when they inadvertently handed the safe over to someone with ties to the mob. In order to pay for a joyride and accompanying shopping spree, the girls stole a safe containing 10,000 kronor ($1,300) in cash which belonged to the father of one of the girls. The girls stuffed the safe in a bag and headed to Malmö where they met up with a male acquaintance of one of the girls who was supposed to help them crack open the safe. But the acquaintance told the girls he lacked the right tools to open the safe, and instead had to hand it over to someone else. According to the girls, they never saw the safe again and allege it ended up in the hands of the mafia.
 

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

Ah shit, I should have spoken up earlier ...

In other news, Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said large U.S. budget deficits threaten financial stability and the government can’t continue indefinitely to borrow at the current rate to finance the shortfall. The Fed chief said in his remarks to the House Budget Committee that deficit concerns are already influencing the prices of long-term Treasuries. The budget deficit this year is projected to reach $1.85 trillion, equivalent to 13 percent of the nation’s economy, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office. “Either cuts in spending or increases in taxes will be necessary to stabilize the fiscal situation,” Bernanke said. This year’s projected budget deficit is four times the size of last year’s shortfall. Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan, the ranking Republican on the committee, said that the Treasury’s debt issuance and the Fed’s monetary stimulus, including purchases of government bonds, “can be a dangerous policy mix” and risks “runaway inflation” in the longer term.  No word on how Bernanke feels about stealing the Queens cattle, nationalizing industry or ripping off his parents, but I don’t give a shit about that. What I want to know is where the hell this guy’s been while Obama and the Democrats have been spending all of our money — and half of the next generations.  But maybe people really do come face to face with their own stupidity and just smile and wave.  At least he’s finally pulled his head out of his ass.  Now we’ll see if anyone else does.

(C) 2009 IebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Where’s the beef? Rustlers stole it your majesty
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090603/lf_nm_life/us_britain_royal_beef_1

Venezuela Chavez says “Comrade” Obama more left-wing
http://www.reuters.com/article/ObamaEconomy/idUSTRE5520GX20090603?feedType=RSS&feedName=ObamaEconomy&virtualBrandChannel=10441

‘Mafia’ ruined Swedish teens’ shopping spree
http://www.thelocal.se/19838/

Bernanke Warns Deficits Threaten Financial Stability
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=ahrOZ.gd85yc

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Virgin may Buy Playboy, Jeans Cause Tingling Thighs, and India Killed all the Dinosaurs

> Playboy loses millions, Virgin reportedly buyer
> Skinny jeans causing “tingling thighs syndrome”
> India’s volcanoes made Dinosaurs extinct

Inebriated Press
May 28, 2009

PEOPLE ALBAThe UK Daily Mail reported Sunday that Playboy has lost millions of dollars and Hugh Hefner is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. And, MyFox National reported Tuesday that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people — because they’re wearing skinny jeans.  Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor reported Saturday that the dinosaurs didn’t become extinct until 300,000 years after an asteroid slammed into Mexico, so the new theory is that volcanic eruptions in India wiped them out. Pundits are debating what gives them tingles: tight jeans, Playboy or dinosaur extinction theories.

Someone named Mandy

Someone named Mandy

“I admit enjoying dinosaur theories, and the tingling and numbness in my thighs from my skinny jeans were kind of interesting, but a guy I met after I did a Playboy spread actually gave me the best tingles overall,” said Mandy Maebee-Mitebee, a model and part-time Internet sensation best known for her rice pudding recipes. “I don’t know if Virgin will buy Playboy or whether everyone will give up skinny jeans because they’re losing feeling in their legs, but lay out whatever theory you want, the dinosaurs are all gone.  And if the Republicans don’t get their shit together they’ll be extinct too and so will traditional America. I might be loose with my morals and tight with my jeans, but I’m fiscally conservative and have had enough of Obama after his 100 days.  We’ve got to stop these trillion dollar spending programs and fast.”

Someone named Lucy

Someone named Lucy

Not everyone agrees with Maebee-Mitebee.  “I wear the jeans I want and no one needs to tell me if I’m comfortable.  The dinosaurs are gone, okay, whatever.  Virgin running Playboy?  Isn’t that counterintuitive, or something … I mean virgins, really,” asked Lucy Laiz-Nowon, a particle physicist and postal recipient who likes catalogues.  “Obama has things in hand and all we have to do is our jobs, let him and the Dem’s run things and watch the world go happily around.  Finally someone who looks nice, sounds nice, and runs the country as though he knows what he’s doing.  Maybe he does, maybe not, but I like him and that’s all that matters.  My IQ may be 200 but that doesn’t mean I’m anal.  There are some things I just don’t give a shit about and government is one of them.  Why bother?”

Hugh Hefner and friends

Hugh Hefner and friends

The Daily Mail reported that Hugh Hefner could soon be parting ways with the soft-porn empire he founded more than 56 years ago. The 83-year-old is reported to be selling the company for nearly £200million, with Virgin tipped as a potential buyer. Although the magazine was read by a quarter of all university students in its heyday in the 1970s, its circulation has taken a battering from the availability of free pornography on the internet. Earlier this month, Playboy announced it had made losses of £8.6million for the first three months of this year, compared to a £2.6million loss for the corresponding period in 2008. The company is said to have been furiously cutting costs and has reportedly sacked 25 per cent of its staff. Virgin Media’s name has been raised as a potential buyer by speculators, but no official interest in the acquisition has been confirmed.

Skinny jeans

Skinny jeans

MyFox National reported it turns out that “tingling thigh syndrome,” or meralgia paresthetica, which usually affects obese people or manual laborers, is cropping up in younger people. The onslaught on skinny jeans on the market has caused some younger people to suffer from the symptoms of this condition. MSNBC.com writes that experts have seen a rise in the condition among young women. One woman describes a tingly sensation running up and down her thighs while wearing tight jeans. According to the Mayo Clinic Web site, meralgia paresthetica is a condition characterized by tingling, numbness and burning pain in the outer part of your thigh. Lucky in most cases the condition can be relieved by conservative measures, such as wearing looser clothing. Salon.com says the condition may not be affecting very many people. “Numbers are hard to come by, but I think it’s safe to say we could be talking about handfuls of young women,” writes Kate Harding.

DinosaursThe Christian Science Monitor reported that for about 30 years, people have believed that dinosaurs were rendered extinct after a six-mile-wide asteroid slammed into what’s now the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico some sixty-five million years ago. But the April 27 issue of Journal of the Geological Society claims that mass extinctions didn’t occur until perhaps 300,000 years after the asteroid impact. Another study, reported in the journal Paleontologia Electronica, finds evidence that pockets of dinosaurs might have lived on after the asteroid strike. Princeton geoscientist Gerta Keller believes volcanic eruptions in India were responsible for extinctions. Critics — the majority of scientists in the field — remain unconvinced.

Ready for nursing, er

Ready for nursing, er

In other news, Australia’s WA Today reported Monday that an understaffed Prague clinic has signed up nurses by offering boob jobs, liposuction and tummy tucks as a bonus. Nurses, doctors and secretaries who signed with the small private clinic for three years could choose their free plastic surgery. Many Czech nurses have been tempted out of the country by higher wages offered in western European nations and the Czech health system now needs about 6,000 nurses in addition to the 90,000 it already employs, according to official data. No word on how Prague clinics feel about dinosaur extinction theory or if any of the nurses suffer from tingling thighs, but with their silicone bonuses they may be appearing soon in a new Czech Nurse Playboy spread on a Virgin cell phone near you.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Playboy for sale after making a loss of millions – and Virgin is tipped as a potential buyer
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1187066/Playboy-sale-making-loss-millions–Virgin-tipped-potential-buyer.html

Jeans May Cause Tingling Thigh Syndrome
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/consumers/dpgo_Tingling_Thigh_Syndrome_fc_20090526_2513909

New dinosaur-extinction theories pop the big rock
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/1588538,CST-NWS-dino24.article

Czech clinic lures nurses with free boob jobs, tummy tucks
http://www.watoday.com.au/world/czech-clinic-lures-nurses-with-free-boob-jobs-tummy-tucks-20090525-bkmb.html

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Q & A with Bob & Joan: Can Something Be Done About the National Debt and Does Anyone Really Care?

The “Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
May 27, 2009
 
Q.
 
Bob,
 
Some of you conservatives are whining about Obama’s trillions in new spending and the massive deficit being created, as though it should actually matter to Americans.  Well no one cares about the deficit or the risk of hyper inflation, and even if you say you do, it doesn’t matter because you’re irrelevant. There’s nothing that an individual can do.  It’s a practical impossibility.
 
You should just shut up and enjoy the ride like everyone else.  What do you think you’re accomplishing by telling other people you care about it?  You’re wasting your time you dumb ass.
 
Hugs and kisses,
 
Joan
 
A.
 
My Dearest Joan,
 
Your warm and thoughtful words regarding my time management and the concern I have about America’s debt and the risk of future economic collapse, touches me deeply, and your statement telling me to shut-up because I’m irrelevant, is both kind and loving encouragement.  How I long to set aside petty questions and gently caress your back, neck and shoulders, easing your present tensions, and then softly kiss the bridge of your nose as only I can.  But alas, such is not my mandate.  I must address your misunderstanding about the level of concern among Americans, and most importantly, the power of the individual.
 
Most Americans are worried about the national debt and many are concerned that President Obama is fiscally irresponsible.  In a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll, nearly nine in ten Americans (87 percent) said they were either “very” (59 percent) or “somewhat” (27 percent) concerned about the size of the federal budget deficit.  While many Americans like President Obama personally, they don’t like many of his policies and are worried about his spending and the risky national debt.  Whether elected officials will respond to these concerns or be voted out of office remains to be seen, but more and more citizens are telling them exactly how they feel, and have even begun public protesting – as displayed on April 15th in “tax day rally’s” against the “tax and spending” of both major Parties.  Public pressure will continue to grow as we near the elections in the fall of 2010.  The liberal Democrats controlling Congress and the White House are proving they are who the conservatives said they were.  And American voters are paying attention and have begun reacting against them.  All is not lost on the fiscal front.  Momentum is changing.

Now, about your belief that the individual is irrelevant and that effort by one person — such as myself — to make change is a practical impossibility.  The United States of America was founded on the inalienable rights of the individual.  Rights that the nation’s founders believed were endowed upon individuals by their Creator, and among those rights were the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Initially those words and others in the U.S Constitution and Bill of Rights were conceptual constructs.  Until individuals — farmers, millers, merchants and others – irrelevant people mostly, took up arms and made theory a reality.  Many believed it was impossible for irrelevant rabble to defeat the British Empire, yet the fools did it.  And it was a pipe dream as well as a practical impossibility that any nation would actually try to put men on the moon, yet silly irrelevant Americans – many of them toiling in obscurity – accomplished the mission, and placed a number of their own citizens there.   During World War II, individuals from all around America rolled into Paris freeing it from the Nazi’s.  Individual men and women crossed America, carving out life and civilization in the fields, plains and mountains — building cities, towns, states.  They fought disease, floods, drought, and countless challenges.  They built a new nation – based on the rights of the individual.  And what of the individual and American invention?  How about Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Morse, George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers, Bill Gates, and others.  Much more could be written about what common irrelevant Americans have accomplished. 

The irrelevant founded America.  They are its life-blood.  The individual is the heart of America’s constitution.  Protecting those rights and freedoms is important to us.  The impossible is what America is as a nation.  And the impossible has been accomplished from time to time by Americans, often to the surprise and disbelief of other nations.  The freedom, power and rights of the individual are why many Americans are Americans.  The fatalistic belief that the individual is irrelevant is why some American’s gave up being Europeans and left for the ‘New World’.  I and other American’s aren’t inclined to become Europeans today – even though there are some of us who want to become Western European Socialists.  The American electorate has lost its way before and found its way back.  We elected Jimmy Carter and then Ronald Reagan.  We can do it again.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I’m here to tell you that the battle for traditional “common sense” America is not over.  “Irrelevant individuals” still believe that they can make a difference — as they have for generations.  And as long as traditional Americans continue to believe that by their actions they will have an impact, they will in fact have an impact.  The 87% who said they were concerned about the national debt, can change the direction of this country.  Those individuals are not really irrelevant.  I am among them.

I hope this finds you cool where you want to be and warm where you need to be.

With the sweetest of wishes and most tender feelings toward you oozing from my core like moisture on my muscular pec’s in the heat of a summer night, I remain most affectionately yours,

Bob

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Eight Words with two Meanings

Inebriated Press Glossary
April 2, 2009

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male…. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Black Car Ban, Hi-Tech Death Van, and the ‘Boob-Job Bandit’

> California plan may kill black cars
> China kills people in vans, harvests organs
> Boob Job Bandit get’s “Busted”

Inebriated Press
April 3, 2009

Boob JobMercury News reported last week that California is considering requiring automakers to use more reflective paint in an effort to battle global warming.  Car companies say this means the color black may end up banned in the state.  And the Daily Mail reported last week that China is using numerous “death van’s” to carry out executions around the country, and high-tech equipment preserves the victim’s organs for sale on the black market.  Meanwhile, the Metro reported earlier this week that a 30-year-old blonde who stole £8,000 worth of cosmetic surgery procedures was finally busted by police in California. Pundits are debating the benefits of fake boobs, organ traffiking and banning the color black.

Saving the world through distraction.

Saving the world through distraction.

“The only real way to save the world from the dangers of global warming and flat-chested women, is to ban all dark colors and harvest the organs of people we don’t like and sell them to fund breast implants,” said Hu Yu-Kiddn, an unemployed philosopher and fruitopian, currently Al Gore’s biggest fan.  “Most of the problems we will face in the future will be due to the end of the ice age and the decline in the size of women’s breasts in the industrialized countries. If we will detonate nuclear devises in earth’s atmosphere in such a way that the sun is blocked out, we may be able to save the earth by returning it to the ice age when humankind didn’t exist.  Lacking that, it’s important that the size of women’s breasts expand so we can keep our minds off our problems.  It may seem like a small thing, but let’s face it, the fate of the planet hangs in the balance.”

"The Power of Silicon"

"The Power of Silicon"

Not everyone buys what Yu-Kiddn is selling.  “I won’t argue about the benefits of breast size, because I control most men within the tri-state area since I bumped my knockers up to double-D’s, but blocking out the sun to save the earth is completely nuts,” said Alicia Ann Maidrite, a buxom blond rocket scientist and part-time hooker, whose book ‘The Power of Silicon’ has been translated into 50 languages.  “And whether it’s okay to harvest organs in the back of vans for sale in the black market, I’m not sure.  I’ve done shit in the backs of vans of questionable legality involving human organs and selling a service, but I didn’t actually chop off any organs, at least not most of the time.”

Black and dangerous

Black and dangerous

Mecury News reported that California’s Air Resources Board (ARB) has been mulling the relationship between automobile color and greenhouse gases.  This started a rumor that California was about to ban cars painted black. The board considered requiring reflective car paints and windshields. The premise was that a cooler car would require a driver to use less air conditioning, which would require less gasoline, which would mean fewer greenhouse-gas emissions. Several groups, including the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, which lobbies for the big automakers, complained that a draft proposal to change the car-painting process to make vehicles more reflective would “eliminate a significant number of vehicle colors” because darker colors absorb more heat. Even the ARB itself, in a PowerPoint presentation on the paint proposal, stated, “Jet black remains an issue,” though it never said the color should be banned. The board will vote at its June meeting on making car windshields and other glass surfaces more reflective. The new regulations would add up to $50 to the price of new car. 

About to lose his parts.

About to lose his parts.

The Daily Mail reported that after trials of a mobile execution service were launched quietly three years ago – then hushed up to prevent an international row about the abuse of human rights before the Olympics last summer – these vehicles are now being deployed across China. The number of executions is expected to rise to a staggering 10,000 people this year (not an impossible figure given that at least 68 crimes – including tax evasion and fraud – are punishable by death in China). According to undercover investigations by human rights’ groups, the police, judiciary and doctors are all involved in making millions from China’s huge trade in human body parts.

Developed by Jinguan Auto, which also makes bullet-proof limousines for the new rich in this vast country of 1.3 billion people, the vans appear unremarkable. They cost £60,000, can reach top speeds of 80mph and look like a police vehicle on patrol. Inside, however, the ‘death vans’ look more like operating theatres. Inside each ‘death van’ there is a dedicated team of doctors to ‘harvest’ the organs of the deceased. The injections leave the body intact and in pristine condition for such lucrative work. After checking that the victim is dead, the medical team first remove the eyes. Then, wearing surgical gowns and masks, they remove the kidney, liver, pancreas and lungs. Little goes to waste, though the heart cannot be used, having been poisoned by the drugs. The bodies cannot be examined. Corpses are driven to a crematorium and burned before independent witnesses can view them.

Historical precedent means it’s okay.

Historical precedent means it’s okay.

The Nazis used adapted vans as mobile gas chambers from 1940 until the end of World War II. With the ‘cargo’ dead, all that remained was for gold fillings to be hacked from the victims’ mouths, before the bodies were tipped into the graves. Now, six decades later, just like the Nazis, China insists these death vans are ‘progress’. The vans save money on building execution facilities in prisons or courts.

Arrested development

Arrested development

The Metro reported that a serial ‘Boob-Job Bandit’ has surrendered in court after being caught stealing cosmetic surgery procedures totaling more than £8,000. The 30-year-old blonde was tracked down by police using a serial number on her removed breast implants. Yvonne Jean Pampellonne allegedly replaced her breast implants and received liposuction at a clinic in California using a false identity to pay for the operations. She reportedly had the procedures but failed to show up to any follow up appointments. Her old breast implants were crucial to the investigation, meaning a surgeon at the Pacific Center For Plastic Surgery could track down her real identity from her previous surgeon. The boob-job thief will face court in Orange County, Southern California in May on charges of commercial burglary, grand theft and identity theft.

Bad build, bad sex

Bad build, bad sex

In other news, Reuters reported this week that obese men who undergo gastric bypass surgery will not only lose weight; their sex lives are likely to improve, too, new research shows. Dr. Ahmad Hammoud of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City, who led the study said obesity in men has been linked to low testosterone levels, high levels of estrogen, impaired fertility, and worse sexual quality of life. In the study Hammound found that two years after the men who’d had weight loss surgery had dropped an average of nearly 17 points from their BMI. Their estrogen levels had fallen significantly, while their testosterone levels had gone up. And all showed improvements on each of the four measures of sexual quality of life the researchers looked at: they were less likely to avoid sexual encounters, have difficulty with sexual performance, have little sexual desire, or report not enjoying sex.  No word on how they feel about organ traffiking, stolen boobs or the return of the ice age, but at least they’re having fun now.  And for many people, now is what it’s all about.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Bunch of hot air? California isn’t banning black cars
http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_12013592?source=most_emailed

China’s hi-tech ‘death van’ where criminals are executed and then their organs are sold on black market
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1165416/Chinas-hi-tech-death-van-criminals-executed-organs-sold-black-market.html?ITO=1490

‘Boob-Job Bandit’ steals breast implants
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?Boob-Job_Bandit_steals_breast_implants&in_article_id=596384&in_page_id=2

Weight loss enhances obese men’s sexual well-being
http://www.canada.com/health/sexual-health/Weight+loss+enhances+obese+sexual+well+being/1385709/story.html

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