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Obama upbeat on Change in Iran, “Missing” Man took Break from Wife, and Girl’s body Dug Up to be “Corpse Bride”

> President Obama concerned but upbeat on Iran
> Man reported missing says wife told him to “go away”
> Five men arrested for exhuming corpse to be “ghost bride”

Inebriated Press
June 18, 2009

Obama: things are looking up in Iran

Obama: things are looking up in Iran

MSNBC reported Tuesday that President Obama is concerned about the election in Iran but sees more “openness” in the country as some voters express dissent.  And The Oregonian reported Monday that a man reported missing by his wife last week was located Saturday. But he says he wasn’t missing — just following his wife’s wishes to go away. Meanwhile the Telegraph reported Monday that five people have been arrested in China for digging up the corpse of a young woman to be a “ghost bride” for a man killed in a car crash. Pundits debate the nature of hope and change as it’s reflected in Iranian dissent, husbands who go away, and the wedded bliss of dead brides.

Someone named Wendy

Someone named Wendy

“The nature of cultural change is one of incremental development, often in an evolutionary sense and occasionally with a predisposition to growth and improvement based on hope and initiative.  This is exemplified in Iran with the careful rioting of the people and the governments thoughtful reaction of shooting them, and shutting down cell phone and Internet communications,” said Wendy Wontyou-Maybee, a nurse and part-time intellectual who believes that multidimensional space is subdivided by cats, but isn’t sure how.  “The ethereal nature of the dead being married to the dead is a spiritual connection and it’s enhanced for the wedding attendees by the actual digging up of the bodies, the sweat, the smell and the general fooling around.  The wandering off of a husband told to go away is also a sort of spiritual response filled with subtle meaning.  Barack Obama senses and understands all these things in a deeper way than mere mortals and that’s why he can speak intellectual teleprompter knowledge that transcends our brain waves to the extent that some people even think he’s absurd and almost stupid.  Barry’s genius exists at levels above the common people.  And no woman will ever tell him to ‘go away,’ because he’s a real hunk.  I say that in a metaphysical sense and with great meaning and nuance.  Nuance is so cool.  Sometimes I like to sit naked in a field and imbibe the ethereal nuance that is life. It’s really great except for the chigger bites.”

Someone named Ursula

Someone named Ursula

Not everyone agrees with Wontyou-Maybee. “This is some twisted shit, let me tell you.  There’s no ‘nature of hope and change’ to talk about here.  Obama and the five Chinese are off the rails, I don’t know about the husband who decided to ‘go away’.  There is lots of nasty stuff behind all three of these issues if we’re open and honest about it,” said Ursula Twice-Plaid, a scuba-diving instructor and part-time post master who values silicon and leather but likes individual freedom and personal responsibility even more.  “I don’t really get into judging other cultures and stuff, but digging up a dead woman to marry a dead guy is morose. The Chinese may have invented fireworks, but this dead marriage thing isn’t one of their highest achievements.  And the culture of Iran isn’t changing because there are some people pissed-off in that country.  They’re always pissed-off.  That’s why the Shah is gone and Islamofascists are running the damn country today.  I’m not saying there aren’t some people who want to change their government and make it more peaceful, but I am saying that some people complaining in a Middle Eastern country is hardly a sea change, let alone a reason for optimism.  I mean come on, think about it.”

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

MSNBC reported that President Barack Obama expressed “deep concerns” about the election in Iran and said the outpouring of political dissent signals more openness in that country. Republican Sen. John McCain urged more forceful condemnation of what he called a “flawed” election. Obama stopped short of saying the re-election of hard-liner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was rigged. “I do believe that something has happened in Iran,” with Iranians more willing to question the government’s “antagonistic postures” toward the world, Obama said. Obama has said nothing about the declared winner, Ahmadinejad, or the pro-change challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi whose supporters claim the election was stolen. After deadly protests in Tehran on Monday, with demonstrators holding signs that read, “Where Is My Vote,” the clerical regime organized a counter-rally Tuesday. Ahmadinejad traveled to Russia on Tuesday after delaying a trip for a day but did not mention the Iranian election or unrest. Instead, he focused on a traditional target, the United States. “America is enveloped in economic and political crises, and there is no hope for their resolution,” he said through an interpreter. “Allies of the United States are not capable of easing these crises.”

Not missing, just fishing

Not missing, just fishing

The Oregonian reported that a man reported missing by his wife last week was located Saturday. But he says he wasn’t missing — just following his wife’s wishes to go away. William Peterson told police he and his wife had an argument and she told him to get out. So, Peterson spent the week fishing and camping in Bend. His wife, Pam Peterson, said that the argument with her husband happened months ago, and that she forgot about telling her husband he could always leave. Apparently, her husband had not forgotten, she said. Peterson, 53, was reported to have left his home on June 6. Pam Peterson, told police her husband left on an overnight fishing trip without saying where he was going. He had done that before, but when he failed to appear at work she reported him missing.  Cornelius Police Cmdr. Ed Jensen said the search for Peterson involved the U.S. Forest Service, as well as law enforcement officers from Linn, Lane and Marion counties. He estimated that thousands of dollars were spent on the search.

Dying to become a bride?

Dying to become a bride?

The Telegraph reported that five people have been arrested in China for digging up the corpse of a young woman to be a “ghost bride” for a man killed in a car crash. The men were caught after unearthing the remains of a teenage girl who had poisoned herself after failing her university entrance exams last year, a newspaper in Xianyang in China’s Shaanxi province reported. In rural China, superstitious villagers have for centuries sought out the bodies of recently deceased women to be ghost brides for young men who die single. Marriage ceremonies are conducted for the two corpses, and the bride is placed in the same grave as her husband. Last year, a gang in southern China was arrested for strangling young women to sell as ghost brides when the supply of female corpses in their area ran short.

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

In other news, MSNBC reported Tuesday that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is defending her membership in an elite all-women’s club, telling senators the group doesn’t discriminate unfairly by gender even though men can’t belong to the club. She said the club “involves men” in many of its activities. No word on why a “wise Latina female” should be subject to such questioning when everyone knows that her very existence makes her more intelligent and more capable than most people, and white men in particular.  But perhaps some Americans are still struggling with the ethereal nature of “hope and change” based discrimination and haven’t adjusted to the finer points the new world Obama is making for us.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama troubled by Iran but sees change
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31390176/ns/world_news-mideastn_africa/

“Missing” Cornelius man was taking break from his wife
http://www.oregonlive.com/washingtoncounty/index.ssf/2009/06/missing_cornelius_man_was_taki.html

Teenage girl dug up to be ‘corpse bride’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5541242/Teenage-girl-dug-up-to-be-corpse-bride.html

Sotomayor defends women’s club membership
Judges’ code forbids joining groups that discriminate by sex, race, and religion
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31390593/ns/politics-white_house/

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Home Grown US Terrorism, Breastfeeding Boosts GPA, and Most American’s are Conservatives

> American-born Islamic murderer spikes fear of more
> Breastfeeding leads to higher grade point average and college attendance
> Gallup poll: 40% of Americans are conservative, 35% moderate, 21% liberal

Inebriated Press
June 17, 2009

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Harvesting higher IQ's and better GPA's

Associated Press reported Monday that an American-born Tennessee youth who became an Islamic extremist and then murdered U.S. Army recruiter Pvt. William Andrew Long on June 1 while he stood outside his Arkansas office smoking a cigarette, is sparking fears that there may be more.  And United Press International reported Monday that a new study shows that breastfeeding is associated with an increase in high school grade point average, and an increase in odds of attending college.  Meanwhile, Gallup reported on Monday that 40% of Americans interviewed in a new poll say their political views are conservative, while 35% consider themselves moderate, and 21% are liberal.  Pundits are debating how to get more people to breastfeed so their IQ’s are higher and they vote using common sense, so the U.S. will return to a free market economy, support individual and states’ rights, and fight terrorism in a practical waterboarding-if-necessary way in America and abroad.

Some guy named Zachary

Some guy named Zachary

“I think that with all the other crap the Democrats are sticking into their multi-trillion-dollar spending bills that we should be able to slip a breastfeeding provision into the healthcare bill.  If it’s found-out and fought by liberals, we may be able to get Bill Clinton to support it and offset them; I know he’s into breasts and stuff.  And once American’s are breastfeeding during office breaks and so-on, we’ll drive up the nations IQ average to a level where we’ll start behaving like traditional common-sense America again,” said Zachary Taylor-Maid, a golf shop pro and breast milk aficionado.  “I mean there’s serious shit to do, and we have to do it fast.  Obama is bankrupting the country and setting the stage for hyper inflation.  China, Russia and India are bailing U.S. Treasury’s and with U.S. printing presses hemorrhaging thousand dollar bills our currency will become worthless.  Meanwhile, he’s giving Miranda rights to terrorists in Afghanistan and taking away individual freedoms from Americans — all the way down to our friggin pocket knives.  Traditional America is on the ropes here.  The recent Republican Congress screwed up, but Obama and the Democrat Congress have us on a course to become a third world economy run by a Latin American styled dictatorship.  I’m worried whether there’s enough breast milk in America to turn this thing around as fast as we need to.”

Someone named Amy

Someone named Amy

“Not everyone thinks like Taylor-Maid.  “I’d be willing to chip-in a little breast milk if I was lactating, if I actually thought that creating a human breast milk product for American’s would be good for the country.  But let’s face it, this is crazy talk.  If you think that breast milk is better for you than Jack Daniels then you’ll probably also believe that Barack Obama doesn’t understand basic economics, rule of law and the U.S. Constitution.  We all know deep down that Barry is like a god and is doing an ingenious job of saving our country,” said Amy Clambake-Hymlick, an alfalfa sprout inspector and part-time nudist.  “The crazy right needs to chill out and realize that there are going to be an occasional US-born Islamic killer who shoots people because he disagrees with them. We’re all part of the whole world now, and there’ll probably be some Islamic extremist beheadings of Christians in the U.S. and there’ll probably be a few complaints when Barack creates his internal army and takes Americans guns and pocketknives away.  But it’s all part of the hope and change plan.  It’s nothing to worry about; Barry is simply integrating America into the world and making it more like a combination of the Middle East, Western Europe and Latin America.  Old style Constitutional law, individual freedom and free market economics don’t fit his vision.  It’s time we relax and get used to it.”

Arkansas JihadAssociated Press reported that Carlos Bledsoe’s transformation from Tennessee youth to an American-born Islamic extremist charged in a bloody rampage outside an Arkansas military recruiting station may signal an ominous new wave of violent homegrown jihadists, counterterror officials say. National security officials have long feared the emergence of a new breed of American militants who would raise little suspicion as they move in and out of the country carrying out the aims of terrorist groups like al-Qaida. Abdulhakim Muhammad, who grew up in Memphis, Tenn., converted to the Islamic faith, changed his name from Bledsoe, and traveled to Yemen in 2007. He was later arrested for overstaying his visa and deported back to the U.S. Muhammad was charged with killing Pvt. William Andrew Long, 23, of Conway, Ark., who had just completed basic training and was volunteering at the west Little Rock recruiting office before starting an assignment in South Korea. He was shot dead on June 1 while smoking a cigarette outside the building. An FBI-Homeland Security intelligence assessment document suggested Muhammad may have considered targeting other locations, including Jewish and Christian sites in several eastern U.S. cities.

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Pvt. William Andrew Long

Muhammad, 23, told The Associated Press in a jail cell interview last week that the shootings were an “act for the sake of God, for the sake of Allah, the Lord of all the world, and also a retaliation on U.S. military.” Earlier this year four Muslim ex-convicts were arrested in New York for allegedly plotting to bomb synagogues and shoot down military planes. While federal authorities foiled the plan, the incident inflamed concerns about the spread of Islamic extremism in prisons. Counterterrorism officials warn that unless individuals attract attention either through criminal behavior or even threat-laced Internet postings, U.S.-born radicals — particularly those operating alone — could go unseen until they take action. “One of the scariest things is that we don’t have a profile for how someone becomes radicalized,” said counterterrorism expert Matthew Levitt. “It’s different for everybody.”

This is raising his IQ, right?

This is raising his IQ, right?

United Press International reported that breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school grade point average and an increase in the odds of attending college, U.S. researchers said. The study, published in the Journal of Human Capital, looked at the academic achievement of siblings — one of whom was breast fed as an infant and one of whom was not — found that an additional month of breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school GPA of 0.019 points and an increase in the probability of college attendance of 0.014. “The results of our study suggest that the cognitive and health benefits of breast feeding may lead to important long-run educational benefits for children,” Sabia said in a statement.

Click to enlarge

Click to enlarge

Gallup.com reported that thus far in 2009, 40% of Americans interviewed in national Gallup Poll surveys describe their political views as conservative, 35% as moderate, and 21% as liberal. This represents a slight increase for conservatism in the U.S. since 2008, returning it to a level last seen in 2004. The 21% calling themselves liberal is in line with findings throughout this decade, but is up from the 1990s. These annual figures are based on multiple national Gallup surveys conducted each year, in some cases encompassing more than 40,000 interviews. The 2009 data are based on 10 separate surveys conducted from January through May. Thus, the margins of error around each year’s figures are quite small, and changes of only two percentage points are statistically significant. Thus far in 2009, Gallup has found an average of 36% of Americans considering themselves Democratic, 28% Republican, and 37% independent. When independents are pressed to say which party they lean toward, 51% identify as Democrats, 39% as Republicans, and only 9% as pure independents.

Living on the edge

Living on the edge

In other news, Forbes reported on Saturday that driving is the greatest threat to a woman’s health. If you’re like most women, you probably think breast cancer or maybe heart disease is the greatest risk to your health. Guess again. The real culprit is getting behind the wheel. Automobile accidents are the leading cause of death in women under the age of 35, according to the Centers for Disease Control, and are also a major cause of traumatic brain injury and fatality in women of all ages. But before you throw in your keys for good, a wealth of new research shows that auto accidents are highly preventable. The single best way to stay safe can be summed up like so: “Avoid getting distracted while operating your vehicle.” 

Ben & Jerry'sNo word on whether consuming breast milk or driving during lactation has any impact, but American’s were certainly distracted during the recent elections and the country has crashed into a ditch and our leadership has accelerated us toward a massive cliff.  Here’s hoping we come to our senses with or without pausing for afternoon breast milk breaks.  Mmmm IQ-building GPA-enhancing sweet-breast-milk breaks … who cares what Obama is doing!     Sorry about that, I think Obama & Company may be driving me mad.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recruiter shootings spark homegrown terror fears
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090615/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_homegrown_radicals?ic

Breastfeeding may boost grades
http://www.upi.com/Health_News/2009/06/15/Breastfeeding-may-boost-grades/UPI-27101245042298/

“Conservatives” Are Single-Largest Ideological Group
http://www.gallup.com/poll/120857/Conservatives-Single-Largest-Ideological-Group.aspx

Driving is the real threat to a woman’s health
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20090611/Forbes_women_health_090613/20090613?s_name=Autos

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Japanese Girls like Tough Guys, Florida’s New Underwear Law, and Media’s View of Obama as God

> Women in Japan crazy about Shogun Warlords: “picture-perfect masculinity”
> City in Florida passes new law requiring underwear
> Newsweek Editor on Obama: “He’s sort of God”

Inebriated Press
June 16, 2009

Busted

Busted

The Mainichi Daily News reported Saturday that young women are flocking to landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. There is a constant shortage of men’s “armor” underwear and 80 percent of the buyers are women.  And Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that the Brooksville City Council has passed new rules that require people to wear clothes that “fit properly” and the wearing of underwear.  Enforcement of the new rules is in question.  Meanwhile, The New Republic reported that longtime Newsweek editor Evan Thomas told MSNBC’s Chris Matthew’s that Barack Obama stands above the country, above the world, as a “sort of God”.  Pundits are debating the power of underwear and Obama’s godhood.

Someone named Andrea

Someone named Andrea

“Pardon me if I don’t believe that Obama is God or that underwear in any form is destined to give me power I don’t currently have.  I understand the idea that putting great faith into something or someone can cause change in that it alters our perspectives and influences our behavior, but power and godhood from panties or a community organizer is a bit of a stretch,” said Andrea Aloha-Alabaster, a pastry chef and sensuous Hawaiian without a birth certificate who plans to run for government office some day.  “Political power is given by the people to a leader in the same way states grant authority to the federal government.  At least that’s how it’s supposed to work.  The federal government should not impose its will upon the states, unless the states grant it that right.  And no president should impose their will, or act like a god, unless the citizens establish that power within the presidency — and they have not.  Obama is no god, and my underwear, although silky and comfortable when I wear them, grants me no greater power than I carry already as an American citizen and an intelligent and cogent human being.  I am as I should be, let government and elected leaders be as they should be.  Now enough of the bullshit.”

Power underwear

Power underwear

Not everyone sees it the way Aloha-Alabaster does.  “When I have on my red underwear and garters with black stockings I wield power over men that I don’t have if I just wear my pink panties with the days-of-the-week on them.  There’s no question in my mind that the right underwear gives me power well beyond that of a typical person on a Tuesday.  And Barack Obama is way more than an organizer; he clearly is a god, maybe THEE god, because no typical organizer without government or business experience could have been elected president of the United States.  He must be god — or a demon — I’m pretty sure he’s the god thing,” said Cassy Sassy-Leather, a pole polisher down at the Hot Lace and Cool Leather Lounge.  “And power simply accrues to those who wield it indiscriminately unless they’re restricted.  No one is restricting Barack, so he’s on his way to ruling as god on earth.  And the federal government is absorbing states rights and assuming their power.  It’s no big deal; it’s just the way things work if no one stops it.  See this black bra and these red satin panties?  Watch me walk past those guys over there.  They’d kiss my ass and worship me if I asked them.  I’m like a god with these on in here.  Only Obama can get his ass kissed more than I can, but then he actually is god so you have to expect that.”

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

On the hunt for picture-perfect masculinity

The Mainichi Daily News reported that young women are flocking to significant landmarks from the Warring States period, and college girls are buying up samurai-themed products. Sales of historical books are up, and there have been efforts to revive the publication of paperbacks on warlords. On weekends, Jidai Shobo, a bookstore specializing in historical books in Tokyo’s Chiyoda Ward, is packed with groups of young women. Stationery and mobile phone accessories with family crests of feudal lords line the shelves, with figurines of Sanada Yukimura, the most popular of the warlords, and others also for sale. “I like Kato Kiyomasa,” says customer Izumi Sekine, 34, of a warlord who served the shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu. “There’s an almost picture-perfect masculinity about him.”  More unorthodox products have seen a boost in sales as well. There is a constant shortage in stock of Sido brand underwear or men’s “armor” underwear, which cost a considerable 9,240 a pair. According to Tokyo-based manufacturer Rogin, about 80 percent of buyers are women. Researcher Tetsuaki Higashida from the Dentsu Communication Institute suggests that women are attracted to the masculinity of these warlords, compared to the more passive modern men that they know.

Can't work in this town girl

Can't work in this town girl

The St. Petersburg Times reported that if you want to work for the city of Brooksville, be sure that you use deodorant, that your clothes fit properly and that you cover up your wounds and tattoos. And, for goodness sake, wear underwear. If not, you could violate the city’s new dress code. The Brooksville City Council approved a dress and appearance policy by a count of 4-1 this month, with only Mayor Joe Bernardini casting the dissenting vote. He questioned how the code would be interpreted and enforced. “They said you had to wear undergarments,” Bernardini said, “but who’s going to be the judge of that? Sometimes when it comes to certain people going bra-less, it’s obvious. But who’s staring to see if that person doesn’t have underwear on?” City department heads and managers will be required to interpret and enforce the dress code.

"He's sort of God"

"He's sort of God"

The New Republic reported that Evan Thomas, a longtime editor at Newsweek, told Chris Matthews’s on MSNBC: “I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.” Such words would wreak havoc on any person’s ego, even Barack Obama’s. It also would enrage his enemies. After all, the president has told us that he is a mere student of history, and that he is. But history these days is no longer a discipline inclined to defend the truthfulness of its claims or the reasonableness of its arguments or the plausibility of its conclusions. More and more, history has become a competition between and among narratives, self-consciously disdainful of what we used to think of as fact. In this intellectual competition, the losers almost always win or, at least, they win the “moral argument.” Not in real history, mind you, but in many a Western professor’s classroom. And, sometimes, in an American president’s mind.

The truth is that Barack Obama has a penchant for narratives and yet an inclination to rise above them. Two grand but antithetical stories about the same problem, awaiting him and his Olympian skill for the discovery of “common ground”: That is Obama’s favorite script. He regards himself as a kind of unprecedented referee between histories and philosophies. He likes to think that he can see what others cannot see and that, therefore, they must come to him if they wish to live in peace and with meaning.

Obama: New GodIn addressing American intelligence and security professionals at the National Archives, the president aimed at bridging differences by showing that apparent contradictions are not contradictions at all and that everything will go together, if only for as long as he is speaking. National security that never compromises national values? No problem. National values that guarantee national security? Say it and it will be done. Yes, we have values that elevate and restrict us at once, the ideal of free men and women that procedurally protects also the guilty and the wicked–and never mind that, absent energetic domestic and international defenses, these principles would be outmaneuvered and outclassed on both fronts. And again at Notre Dame, the same above-it-all structure of rhetorical conciliation was applied by Obama to the subject of abortion. “Open hearts. Open minds. Fair-minded words.” Nice enough. But the debate on abortion will not be so tidily retired. All of this is rising above but not really reconciling anything. [Editors note: some people refer to Obama’s rhetorical approach as an exercise in “bullshit”; that’s a technical term]

Sex on the beachIn other news, Live Science reported on Friday that summer time sex is risky. With its warm nights, the summer season often brings out the best and the most adventurous feelings of love and lust. Why confine sex to the bedroom, or even the house, when there are beaches and pools and hot tubs to host our most private moments? A few reasons, as it turns out. Condom companies don’t test their products in such a condition, and therefore can’t vouch for their effectiveness when used in pools, hot tubs or other wet and wild setups. You might want to avoid water sex anyway, as improperly maintained pools, hot tubs and Jacuzzis can be breeding grounds for bacteria. And sand isn’t so good either.  According to researchers, 91 percent of the beaches they studied had detectable levels of enterococci (bacteria that can cause urinary tract infections, endocarditis, diverticulitis and meningitis), and 62 percent of them had traces of E. coli. No word on how masculinity-seeking Japanese women feel about summer sex but I’m sure that Obama’s national healthcare plan will have something to say on the subject.  And it’ll be right on target.  Because god always is.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

New wave of ‘history girls’ wooed by warlords’ masculinity
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/mdnnews/national/news/20090613p2a00m0na027000c.html

Brooksville’s new dress code requires deodorant, underwear
http://www.tampabay.com/news/politics/local/article1009923.ece

Narrative Dissonance
“I mean, in a way, Obama’s standing above the country, above–above the world, he’s sort of God.”
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=cd70b25d-12b5-4f6f-8fd3-4a965be569f3

The Risks of Summer Sex
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090612/sc_livescience/therisksofsummersex

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Miranda Rights for Terrorists, Pocket Knife Bans for Americans, and Men Reject Centerfolds for Miss Average

> Obama Administration Orders U.S. Miranda rights for Afghan Combatants
> Obama Administration’s New Rules would Ban Legal Pocketknives in U.S.
> Researchers say Men Prefer Regular Women over Playboy Models

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 15, 2009

Hope and Change Baby

Hope and Change Baby

The Weekly Standard reported Wednesday that the Obama Justice Department has ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan.  This means they get the same rights as an American arrested for speeding on a U.S. street, and can have a government attorney defend them if they want one.  And WorldNetDaily reported Tuesday that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States.  Meanwhile, the Herald Sun reported Friday that researchers have found that men think real women come closest to the ideal body shape rather than the figures of Playboy centerfolds.  Pundits debate why Obama is giving terrorists rights and taking them away from Americans, while men at Inebriated Press exercise their right to hook up with the girls-next door.

Average Jane for Average Joe

Average Jane for Average Joe

“I like my women silicon-free, smart and nice and not so into themselves that they think they have to look like a Playboy chick or act like Paris Hilton in order to get a date.  I also like my pocketknives long and easy to open, and terrorists who try to kill Americans put on a waterboard if it’ll help our cause.  Okay so I’m not cut from the same cloth Obama or Hugh Hefner is — I’m actually happy about that,” said Joe Shmo-Studd, a commodities trader and part-time bouncer down at Susie’s Regular Girl and Regular Guy Beer Emporium.  “Obama said he loved America and wanted to change it, and by damn he’s changing it alright.  I wonder what he loved about it?  Obviously it’s not the individual freedom and opportunity provided to regular Americans.  He’s taking away our freedoms, giving unjustified rights to terrorists, and mortgaging several generations’ futures by spending money we don’t have.  I’m praying that the Republican Party get’s it’s shit together and behaves like Reagan did, and can take Congress back next year.  I like regular women, regular knives and common sense that favor Americans in combat.  It’s not complicated.  It shouldn’t be complicated.  Liberal philosophy that hurts Americans and helps its enemy’s is bullshit.  Obama really believes the anti-American crap his pals Bill Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were dishing out.  The proof’s in his actions.  They speak way louder than his words.”

Can't compete with Average

Can't compete with Average

Not everyone agrees with Shmo-Studd.  “Barack Obama is doing what’s right by leveling the playing field in the world and making the globe a better, fairer and more equitable place.  Soon America’s economy will be at a third world country level and it’ll be ruled by an old-school Latin American styled dictatorship.  This is outstanding,” said some anti-American asshole recently appointed to the Obama Justice Department — or maybe it was a new Supreme Court Justice, I forget, they all act the same.  “As someone a lot like a left-wing Latino woman I’d explain how this benefits all Americans, but you’re probably just some white guy, or know of one, so you couldn’t understand because you lack the intellectual capacity derived from the experience I have of just being me.  You poor dumb bastard.  You probably think individual freedom, personal responsibility and the U.S. Constitution are useful.  You’re way behind the eight ball.  Not even close.  I’d pity you but we liberal intellectuals don’t really give a shit about anyone but ourselves.  At least the enlightened ones don’t.”

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

Beheading in War like binge drinking in Kansas

The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama Justice Department has quietly ordered FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high value detainees captured and held at U.S. detention facilities in Afghanistan, according to a senior Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “The administration has decided to change the focus to law enforcement. Here’s the problem. You have foreign fighters who are targeting US troops today — foreign fighters who go to another country to kill Americans. We capture them and they’re reading them their rights — Mirandizing these foreign fighters,” says Representative Mike Rogers, who recently met with military, intelligence and law enforcement officials on a fact-finding trip to Afghanistan. The FBI and Justice Department plan to significantly expand their role in global counter-terrorism operations, part of a U.S. policy shift that will replace a CIA-dominated system of clandestine detentions and interrogations with one built around transparent investigations and prosecutions.

Obama montageAmericans are familiar with the Miranda warning — so named because of the landmark 1966 Supreme Court case Miranda v. Arizona that required police officers and other law enforcement officials to advise suspected criminals of their rights: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.” Republicans on Capitol Hill are not happy. “When they mirandize a suspect, the first thing they do is warn them that they have the ‘right to remain silent,'” says Representative Pete Hoekstra, the ranking Republican on the House Intelligence Committee. “It would seem the last thing we want is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or any other al-Qaeda terrorist to remain silent. Our focus should be on preventing the next attack, not giving radical jihadists a new tactic to resist interrogation–lawyering up.”

Banned for your protection

Banned for your protection

WorldNet Daily reported that the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Agency is proposing a new definition that could be used to eliminate 8 of 10 legal pocketknives in the United States right now, according to activists who are gearing up to fight the plan. The federal bureaucracy is accepting comments – written only – that must be received by June 21 before its planned changes could become final, and Doug Ritter of KnifeRights.org, said the implications of the decision would be far-reaching, since many state and federal agencies depend on the agency’s definitions to determine what is legal in the United States. Ritter said the effect of the proposed change would be that the new design in knives, many of which contain a tiny spring to help the user pull open the blade and lock it into position, would be classified alongside those true weapons where the user just presses a button and the blade is ejected. “They are saying that any knife that you can open quickly or any knife that you can open with one hand is therefore a switchblade,” Ritter told WND. Ritter suggested that up to 80 percent of the pocketknives sold in America today either are one-handed opening knives or so-called assisted opening knives – and they all suddenly would be classified as illegal switchblades.

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

Regular gals kick Playboy's ass; no wonder Playboy's broke

The Herald Sun reported that far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average. It turns out that while women turn to plastic surgery or fad diets to get the “perfect” body of supermodels and centerfolds, men find the girl next door more appealing. Most attractive of all is Miss Average who stands at 163cm, with a 76cm waist and 102cm hips, a study found. Researchers asked 100 male students to rate the attractiveness of more than 200 drawings of female torsos of different sizes. They then compared those considered most attractive with the vital statistics of eight groups, including models, Playboy centerfolds and typical members of the population. The real women came closest to the ideal body shape identified in the first part of the study. And the most appealing measured equivalent to a size 14. Curvy women were also judged more appealing than either athletic types or long-legged, big-chested “Barbies”.

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

Drunk babes prep for Miranda rights

In other news, Metro reported Thursday that binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol. More than two-fifths of all 16 to 24-year-old women questioned in a study admitted going over recommended booze limits at least one day a week. “As a result, the number of young women drinking more than the recommended daily limit has now reached a similar level to that of young men,” according to the Office of National Statistics. No word on whether women who binge drink like pocketknives or if they prefer looking like the girl-next-door, but if they’re driving home drunk you can bet they know all about Miranda rights.  Or will real soon.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Not Right
The Obama administration grants Miranda rights to detainees in Afghanistan.
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/016/605iidws.asp

Obama move would eliminate 8 of 10 pocketknives
‘If this were to pass and you cross the state line with one, it’s a felony’
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100679

Men reject centerfolds for Miss Average
Far from idolizing slender models, it seems gentlemen actually prefer Miss Average.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25623858-36398,00.html

Female binge drinkers matching men
Binge drinking used to affect men more frequently but now women are downing nearly as much alcohol.
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?Female_binge_drinkers_matching_men&in_article_id=683888&in_page_id=34

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Million Dollar Mattress, Hummingbird Sex, and Obama’s TARP Illusion

> Family tosses mattress housing $1 million cash stash
> G-Force’s during Hummingbird Sex would make Fighter Pilots Pass Out
> Obama’s TARP czar has no idea if it’s working, or where the money’s gone

Inebriated Press
June 12, 2009

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

Sex at the speed of a Hummingbird

AFP reported Thursday that a woman threw out her mothers’ old mattress not knowing it was stuffed with one million dollars.  And New Scientist reported Wednesday that during courtship-flights male hummingbirds sustain g-forces during acceleration that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out.  Meanwhile, The Weekly Standard reported Tuesday that Obama’s TARP oversight chair doesn’t know if it’s working, and doesn’t know where the money is going.  Vice President Joe Biden adds that “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion.  Some people say all’s fair in speed-sex and political-handouts.

A Happy Woman

A Happy Woman

“If you’re going for high-speed sex you have to expect to pass out now and then, it’s just a physical reality.  And if you’re going to jam though government spending plans so fast that no one reads the documentation or sets up a system of checks and balances, then you’re going to waste most of it, that’s just a bureaucratic reality,” said Happy Lucki-Thimaster, a sex worker and political analyst who built her trade during the Bill Clinton administration. “There’s nothing surprising or unusual about any of this.  And if you’re going to throw out other peoples mattresses without checking with them first, you may be tossing out something more valuable than you think.  But what the heck, all’s fair in fast sex, government mismanagement of your tax dollars, and lost fortunes in old bedding.  Shit happens and lots of times it’s purely predictable.  I can’t help but fantasize about having speed sex on a million dollar mattress bought with TARP funds.  It would be a real rush.  Makes me tingly just thinking about it.  Does it feel warm in here to you?”

Someone named Tricia

Someone named Tricia

Not everyone sees it the way Lucki-Thimaster does.  “Humming birds aren’t having high-speed sex; they’re just flapping their wings really fast, that’s all.  And Obama has his fingers on the pulse of everything and knows exactly what he’s doing and where all our money is going.  He said he’d go through the TARP thing and the budget line-by-line personally, and would account for every penny.  Trust him, he’s not just flapping his lips really fast,” said Tricia Kum-Lately, a circus manager and silicon investor, who often does Dallas just because.  “I had a million dollar mattress once but I quit hooking because it was bothering my back.  Now I work with circus clowns.  It’s remarkable how similar they are to the Democrat Congress and Obama administration — and I mean that in a positive way.  They could run the country just as well.  It gives me confidence that democracy works because it doesn’t take any brains or special training to run the world’s biggest economy.  Joe Biden is proof of that.  I’m so proud of this country.  In fact I think it’s the first time in my life that I’m really proud of America.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle Obama.”

A surprising mattress

A surprising mattress

AFP reported that a stash of cash landed in the trash when a woman in Israel dumped her mother’s mattress not knowing it was stuffed with the equivalent of about one million dollars. Israeli media reported that the 40-year-old woman showed up at a garbage dump in a panic on Tuesday, looking for the valuable bedding. She had bought a new mattress for her mother and, wanting the gift to be a surprise, threw away the old one. She then found out the decades-old mattress contained her mother’s life savings. Workers are helping her search the garbage, but have found no sign of the cash so far.

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

Real hummingbird sex, or just faking it?

New Scientist reported that male hummingbirds are breaking the speed record for love. During courtship flights, male Anna’s hummingbirds sustain accelerations that would cause a fighter jet pilot to pass out. Chris Clark, a biologist at the University of California at Berkeley, believes that the pressures of courtship push males to the limit of what is physically possible. Using high-speed video footage to study their flight, he has shown that, relative to their body size, male Anna’s hummingbirds are the fastest moving vertebrates. As they approach the ground, the hummingbirds spread their wings and tail, letting them pull them up into a skywards glide. At this stage, Clark calculated that their bodies undergo centripetal accelerations reaching 10 g – a force equivalent to 10 times the gravitational pull of Earth. Fighter jet pilots can pass out or temporarily lose their sight at accelerations above 7 g because their blood becomes unevenly distributed in their circulatory system.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

We have no clue, but I wouldn't worry.

The Weekly Standard reported that Obama’s transparency czar is using $84 million to build a web site that won’t be usable until October, and may not be useful until four years from now. Obama’s stimulus oversight guru, Joe Biden, says “people are being scammed already” in the disbursement of $787 billion. And, when asked whether TARP is working, Prof. Elizabeth Warren— head of the Congressionally formed oversight committee for that particular trillion-dollar project—says: “We can’t disclose what isn’t known. We’ve disclosed as much as we can, we’ve addressed this in our various reports. The Secretary of the Treasury says there are some positive indicators and there some negative indicators still in the economy. And that’s the best we can do.”  Aren’t giant, cumbersome government programs fun, especially now that the Obama administration’s cult of competence is in charge and offering unprecedented transparency and accountability?  When asked if she had a clear sense of what the overall TARP plan was and whether she was capable of summarizing what it’s supposed to be doing, she said: “No. And neither is Treasury. Treasury has given us multiple contradictory explanations for what it’s trying to accomplish.”

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

Fear not, for the wind and waves obey me

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that the wind, a favorite power source of the green energy movement, seems to be dying down across the United States. And the cause, ironically, may be global warming – the very problem wind power seeks to address. The idea that winds may be slowing is still a speculative one, and scientists disagree whether that is happening. But a first-of-its-kind study suggests that average and peak wind speeds have been noticeably slowing since 1973, especially in the Midwest and the East. The study, which will be published in August in the peer-reviewed Journal of Geophysical Research, is preliminary, however, a couple of earlier studies also found wind reductions in Australia and Europe, offering more comfort that the U.S. findings are real. The new study “demonstrates, rather conclusively in my mind, that average and peak wind speeds have decreased over the U.S. in recent decades,” said Michael Mann, director of the Earth System Science Center at Penn State University.  No word on how the scientists feel about high-speed sex, million dollar mattresses or wasted TARP money, but you can bet they’re trying to harness the hot air pouring out of D.C. as a new energy source.  Or at least trying to get their piece of the federal budget so they can study it.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Dumped mattress lands cash in trash in Israel
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hvRwWnDjIUF3gNuTPVjHc7OPjTag

Male hummingbirds break speed record for love
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17277-male-hummingbirds-break-speed-record-for-love.html

video — http://brightcove.newscientist.com/services/player/bcpid1873822884?bctid=25816667001

TARP Oversight Chair Says She Doesn’t Know Whether It’s Working
http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/06/tarp_oversight_chair_says_she.asp

US Stimulus Fraud could hit $50B
http://macedoniaonline.eu/content/view/7101/52/

Not so windy: Research suggests winds dying down
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SCI_DIMINISHING_WINDS?SITE=PAPIT&SECTION=NATIONAL&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

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Beware of: Falling Computers, Bacteria Laced Skin Care Products, and the Obama Administration

> Home Computer Injuries Leap
> FDA warns against using Clarcon skin products
> U.S. Representative tells China not to believe Obama on Budget

Inebriated Press
June 11, 2009

Risky computer behavior

Risky computer behavior

HealthDay News reported on Tuesday that from 1994 to 2006 there has been a 732 percent increase in home computer injuries nationwide.  Research shows that a growing number of people are tripping over cables and getting hit by falling equipment.  And Associated Press reported Monday that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is warning consumers not to use skin products made by Clarcon because of high levels of disease-causing bacteria.  Meanwhile, The Straits Times reported Tuesday that Representative Mark Kirk (R-IL) told Chinese leaders that the US budget deficit could be larger than predicted and the budget that the US government has put forward should not be believed.  Inebriated reporters heavily medicated with Jack Daniels, put forth their view of truth and lies.

Someone named Suzi

Someone named Suzi

“Who gives a rats ass what Republicans say about the budget or the FDA says about skin care products or whether computers are falling from the sky.  Life is risky and if you’re going to be alive for a while, you assume some risks of a personal and financial nature, what the hell.  Anyway, you can’t believe most things that politicians and the government say,” said Suzi Blaktape-Mostly, an occasional reporter when wearing clothing and deciding to behave respectable.  “It’s all one big crap shoot and the administration is lying about the budget and the Republicans are telling tales to the Chinese.  So what?  FDA officials are probably getting fewer kickbacks under this administration so they’re squeezing the skin care companies by talking the bacteria thing.  And no computer has fallen from the sky near me.  I think it’s people getting hurt during rough sex that are using computer injury as an excuse because it’s easier to explain.  At least that’s what I do.”

Someone named Rachael

Someone named Rachael

Not everyone sees it like Blaktape-Mostly.  “The Republicans are telling it the way it is, whether that’s to the Chinese or the American people.  The Obama administration is spending trillions with no revenue stream, and that’s a fact.  And the FDA is trying its damndest to stop people from harming themselves with bad products.  It’s what they do and why the agency exists.  As far as computer injuries go, it just makes sense that if there are more PC’s around then the likelihood of people bumping into them or tripping over the cables is just going to increase,” said Rachael Holddmi-Tiet, an occasional columnist when she’s not working iron at Mikes Steel Mill and BBQ Strip Club.  “It’s true that politicians and government officials stretch the truth, but the Obama administration is setting a whole new standard for misdirection and outright falsehood.  I can’t believe that Obama and his minions are so stupid that they believe they can spend trillions of dollars and have a healthy budget and an inflation free economy.  So that means they have to be lying about it.  Of course I admit I still think that logic can prevail and that people aren’t all morons, so I give common sense a chance.  Maybe that’s the flaw in my thinking.”

Beware of killer computers!HealthDay News reported that computers are everywhere in the home these days — the office, the kid’s room, maybe even on the kitchen table. And that, according to new research, has led to more people showing up in emergency rooms with computer-related injuries. That increase has not been slight: From 1994 to 2006, injuries caused by people tripping over computer wires or getting hit by falling equipment rose from about 1,300 a year to 9,300 a year, an increase of 732 percent nationwide. Children under the age of 5 had the highest injury rate. The leading cause of injury for small children, and for adults over 60, was tripping or falling over computer equipment. But while most injuries were to the extremities such as the arms or legs, young children were five times more likely than other age groups to sustain a head injury.

FDA WarningAssociated Press reported that the Food and Drug Administration warned consumers Monday not to use skin products made by Clarcon because of high levels of disease-causing bacteria found during a recent inspection. Clarcon Biological Chemistry Laboratory Inc. of Roy, Utah, issued a voluntary recall of some skin sanitizers and skin protectants marketed under several different brand names, the FDA said in a statement. Consumers should not use any Clarcon products and should throw them away, the FDA said. Analyses of several samples of over-the-counter topical antimicrobial skin sanitizer and skin protectant products revealed high levels of various bacteria, including some associated with unsanitary conditions, according to the agency. Some of these bacteria can cause opportunistic infections of the skin and underlying tissues and could result in medical or surgical attention as well as permanent damage.

Obama budgetThe Straits Times reported that senior Chinese leaders have privately voiced fear over the soaring US budget deficit and are increasingly looking to diversify from the dollar, Representative Mr Mark Kirk said Monday after a trip to China that included talks with government officials and central bank chief Dr Zhou Xiaochuan. Mr Kirk’s assessment differed with that of Treasury Secretary Mr Timothy Geithner, who said last week on a separate visit that Chinese leaders had expressed ‘justifiable confidence’ on the future of the recession-hit US economy. Mr Kirk said that Chinese leaders were sharply critical in private of the US Federal Reserve’s policy of ‘quantitative easing’ – a form of flooding the financial system with cash, which critics deride as printing imaginary money. Government officials estimate a deficit of 1.841 trillion US dollars for the 2009 budget. 

Lying fun!Mr Kirk, a former diplomat who remains an active reservist in the US Navy, is seen as a rising star in the Republican Party and is eyeing a run next year for Mr Obama’s former US Senate seat in Illinois. He said he told the Chinese that the budget deficit could be even bigger than predicted, due in part to the rising costs to the US economy of health care. “One of the messages I had – because we need to build trust and confidence in our number one creditor – is that the budget numbers that the US government has put forward should not be believed,” Mr Kirk said. “Congress is actually going to spend quite a bit more,” he said. China is the largest creditor to the United States with some 700 billion dollars invested in Treasury bonds.

The nest may be empty ...

The nest may be empty ...

In other news, CNN reported Tuesday that parents adjusting to the last of their children leaving home, find that at first they’re depressed, but then couples spend more time with friends, have impromptu dates and more sex. “I absolutely miss my kids,” said Jane Shure, a 54-year-old mother of two from Philadelphia, who officially became an empty nester in August 2007.  “But I’m enjoying a really full life now.” Sara Gorchoff, Ph.D., a postdoctoral researcher at UC Berkeley, says a fall Sunday with the kids can now become a chance to go hiking together; raucous family meals turn into intimate dinners for two. And sex can regain some of the old abandon of the pre-children days.  No word on how ’empty nesters’ feel about Obama’s budget numbers or bacteria laden skin care products, but my guess is that more of them are in emergency rooms claiming to have been injured by computers rather than from having sex with reckless abandon.  But I’m only guessing.  There’ll probably be a stimulus funded study coming out to tell us the facts any day now.  Just as soon as the tattoo removal in L.A. is completed.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Computers Causing Injuries in the Home
http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20090609/hl_hsn/computerscausinginjuriesinthehome

FDA warns against using Clarcon skin products
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090609/ap_on_go_ot/us_clarcon_recall

China airs fears: congressman
http://www.straitstimes.com/Overcoming%2BThe%2BStorm/Latest%2BStories/Story/STIStory_387854.html

Sex and other perks of empty nesting
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/06/09/o.end.empty.nest.syndrome/index.html

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NASA says Sun Causes Global Warming, Microsoft says Obama Tax Plan Will Cause Global Relocation; and Judge Rules Party Girl Can Go Out Saturday Nights

> New NASA study shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
> Microsoft CEO talks offshore move over Obama Tax Scheme
> Girl Guilty of Assault at Party gets Saturdays Off from Curfew

Inebriated Press
June 9, 2009

Party girl, or realist?

Party girl, or realist?

The Dakota Voice reported Friday that a new NASA study has determined that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate, and evidence for climate change based on the sun can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution.  And Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Microsoft CEO Steven Ballmer said they will move employees offshore if Congress enacts Obama’s plan to put higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits.  Meanwhile, United Press International (UPI) reported on Friday that a judge sentenced a 19-year old girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party.  Pundits are debating the existence of “cause and effect” during the new era of Obamanomic relativism built on “hope and change”.

Someone named Penelope

Someone named Penelope

“Old school ‘forces of nature’ are irrelevant in this new age of economic and moral relativism, and just going with the flow of ethereal thought, government spending and passivism toward countries like Iran and North Korea as well as organizations like Al Qaeda and Hamas, is the way to find peace and happiness.  Obama’s new socialist America will make all of our dreams come true.  Besides, resistance is futile,” said Penelope Psyborg-Pusch, an amateur rocket scientist and part-time stripper at the Blonde Heifer Lounge and Waffle House.  “NASA is being silly about the sun, everyone knows that humans impact the earth’s temperature more than solar power, Al Gore proved that when he said it was so.  And no company will really relocate from the U.S. just because the Obama tax plan will take more of their profits and redistribute them to liberal voters.  Such talk by a company CEO is just bluster.  Now the girl who assaulted people at parties, she should be able to still go to parties, so that judge who said she needed to stay home weeknights but not weekends was right on.  No one should really be held responsible for their behavior as though their actions caused something.  The whole cause and effect theory is behind us now, and no longer relevant.  Obama is the new master of the economic world, as well as the physical world and time and space.  The quicker we realize that, the happier we’ll all be.  I wonder why my foot hurts.  A car ran over it earlier today but that couldn’t be the cause.  It’s just some random bodily event I suppose.  Like my period.”

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

Not everyone agrees with Psyborg-Pusch.  “Anyone can say that natural laws no longer exist and deny them if they want, but it doesn’t make them go away.  Pretending we impact the planet more that the celestial bodies around us, or that over-taxed companies won’t react to preserve themselves by abandoning the country they were founded in, is wrong not to mention it’s the height of arrogance.  The sun impacts the earth more than a few thousand SUV’s and Obama’s tax plans will cause the relocation of U.S. corporations to countries that are more tax friendly.  Cause and effect lives on,” said Linda Staiefree-Powers, a former pacifist-atheist who turned to god and guns after the Obama election.  “And if you think Obama’s massive spending won’t result in inflation and that the huge debt won’t crush the U.S. economically and even militarily, you’re dreaming.  The arrogance of some people astonishes me.  Socialism has never worked before, why will the Obama version be successful?  And some people think that with a few hundred years of data we can actually ‘know’ that you and I are changing the earth’s temperature and it’s not part of a thousand year cycle?  We think we alone exist in time and space that that no beings besides us exist in other dimensions that we can’t see?  In our little time crawling around on this planet we believe we’ve figured out that there are no gods and that relative ethics are humankind’s best hope for peace and harmony?  Our arrogance is truly amazing.  We know we understand more of the universe today than humans a thousand years ago, but we discount that humans a thousand years from now will know more than us.  And we think we have everything figured out.  Morons.  Will we refuse to learn from economic history, and deny the natural law inside our consciences as evidence that we came from more than dirt?  We lapse between belief that we’re animals or gods.  We’re both.  But too often we act like devils and behave dumber than cats.”

Global WarmingThe Dakota Voice reported that we have still more evidence that any warming occurring on planet earth is coming from natural sources and is cyclic in nature–NOT from the evil capitalism that Al Gore, the UN politicians at the IPCC and other socialists love to blame. A new study from NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland looking at climate data over the past century has concluded that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate. The report concludes that evidence for climate changes based on solar radiation can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution. Past research has shown that the sun goes through eleven year cycles. At the cycle’s peak, solar activity occurring near sunspots is particularly intense, basking the Earth in solar heat. According to Robert Cahalan, a climatologist at the Goddard Space Flight Center, “Right now, we are in between major ice ages, in a period that has been called the Holocene.”

global warmingSolar activity is increasing, and we are coming out of the “Little Ice Age” of just a few hundred years ago. Of course the planet is warming–we’re coming out of a cold spell! The Maunder Minimum period of diminished solar activity coincided with the Little Ice Age when Europe and North America experienced bitterly cold winters. About 1,000 years ago, Greenland was warm enough for the Vikings to colonize and grow vineyards.  Today Greenland is almost entirely covered in ice.  Tell me: is the earth warmer today than it was 1,000 years ago?  Did they have SUVs and coal power plants in the days of the Vikings?  This isn’t tough to figure out, people. The only thing tough about the global warming debate is trying to get the facts to match the socialist agenda of the global warming proponents.  Try as they might, they just can’t do it, and more and more people are starting to see that.

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Bloomberg reported that Microsoft Corp. Chief Executive Officer Steven Ballmer said the world’s largest software company would move some employees offshore if Congress enacts President Barack Obama’s plans to impose higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits. “It makes U.S. jobs more expensive,” Ballmer said in an interview. “We’re better off taking lots of people and moving them out of the U.S. as opposed to keeping them inside the U.S.” Obama on May 4 proposed outlawing or restricting about $190 billion in tax breaks for offshore companies over the next decade. Such business groups as the National Foreign Trade Council, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the Business Roundtable have denounced the proposed overhaul. U.S. tax rules let companies defer paying corporate rates as high as 35 percent on most types of foreign profits as long as that money remains invested overseas. Obama says he wants to end such incentives to keep foreign profits tax-deferred so that companies would invest them in the U.S.  Ballmer said that, while the Obama proposals would preserve expense deductions related to research and experimentation costs, the overall deduction limits for companies that defer tax on foreign profits would raise the cost of employing U.S. workers. Fiduciary responsibility to shareholders would require Microsoft to cut costs, he said, meaning many jobs would be moved out of the country. Ballmer estimated that higher taxes under the proposal would reduce profits for companies that comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average by between 10 and 15 percentage points. “It’s just a question of how much will the Dow come down,” Ballmer said. “It’s not about companies anyway; we’re talking about shareholders.”

Just some party girl

Just some party girl

UPI reported that a judge in England sentenced a teenage girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party. Judge William Hart told Lisa Partington, 19, she had a curfew from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. every day for the next two months — except Saturdays. “I give you one day off a week because it is summer and I don’t think it is necessarily in your interests for you to be confined to your home every evening of the week for the next two months,” the judge was quoted by the newspaper as saying. Partington had admitted assaulting Kimberley Moxham at a party in September.

IRS version of Flat TaxIn other news, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would like to see “radical” proposals come out of a commission now studying an overhaul of the state’s tax system, like “a 15% straight tax.” The current system, based on highly unstable income tax revenue that fluctuates with the economy, “doesn’t work,” Schwarzenegger said. Advocates of a flat tax, which applies a single tax rate to all income, say it increases compliance with the tax codes because it is so simple and easy to understand. But opponents dislike that it taxes the wealthy at the same rates as the poor.  No word on why these people don’t understand that the poor don’t pay income taxes, and that a flat tax is inherently fair, but then in a world where cause and effect no longer is in vogue and relative economics and ethics prevail, I should be getting used to this kind of insanity.  It’s no longer about common sense; it’s about “hope and change”.  As defined by the Obama minions. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 
Source articles:

NASA Study Shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
http://www.dakotavoice.com/2009/06/nasa-study-shows-sun-responsible-for-planet-warming/

Ballmer Says Tax Would Move Microsoft Jobs Offshore
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=amBiYGyHOkZ8

Judge gives girl Saturdays off from curfew
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/06/05/Judge-gives-girl-Saturdays-off-from-curfew/UPI-38781244249132/

Schwarzenegger suggests state consider flat tax
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/06/flat-tax.html

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