Tag Archives: republicans

Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

> Obama tested for virus after man he touches dies next day
> IRS issues audit notices with wrong telephone contact number
> New erectile drug cures when rubbed on “problem area”

Inebriated Press
April 30, 2009

Up your chances with nanotech

Up your chances with nanotech

The Sun reported Tuesday that President Obama was tested for a virus after a man he shook hands with collapsed and died the next day.  And KING 5 News Seattle reported on Monday that letters issued by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS) informing citizens that they are being audited contain the wrong telephone number.  Meanwhile, The Telegraph reported that a new anti-impotency drug has been developed that can be “rubbed on the problem area and absorbed directly into the skin”.  Inebriated Reporters are avoiding Obama’s touch and dodging his gaze, while blowing off the IRS and aggressively hunting rub-on sex products.

Pissed off conservative

Pissed off conservative

“Obama’s been called the light bringer by New Age types who believe he’s divinely appointed by nature and evolution to guide the world into a new era of hope and peace, but we know now that his touch is deadly.  People who shake his hand die, nations that accept his economic policies face financial ruin, countries that adopt his foreign policies are weakened and may collapse,” said some pissed off conservative, still clinging to god, guns, individual freedom and the scattered remnants of traditional America.  “We all know that Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary and head of the IRS, cheated on his taxes.  No wonder he won’t put the right phone number on audit letters, he doesn’t really want to have to talk to anyone.  I’m just grateful that the medical companies have invented rub-on hard-on products.  I don’t actually need anything like that to get the machinery going, but it sounds like a fun product that’s going to be outselling jelly bean’s.  In this economy, a guy’s got to grab the bright spots where ever he can find them.”

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Not everyone agrees with the pissed off conservative.  “Obama was tested for a virus because people were afraid he may have caught something from the walking-dead guy, not the other way around.  And the IRS isn’t good with numbers, that’s the only reason for the phone number problem; it’s not a big deal.  As far as rub-on sexual stimulation and erectile products go, well, I like it.  Strange as it may seem, there are some things that liberals and conservatives can agree on,” said a passing liberal, spinning like a top and throwing tax-payer money in all directions and calling it stimulus and an investment in America’s infrastructure.  “I don’t know about Barack and all the light bringer stuff, but he’s spending our nation’s future today so that has to count for something.  Now go ahead and rub me with some of that stuff.  Let’s see what happens.”

dead-man-shaking-obamas-handThe Sun reported that a man who shook President Barack Obama’s hand in Mexico collapsed and died the next day with swine flu-like symptoms. Archaeologist Felipe Solis, 65, met Mr. Obama, on April 16, three days after the virus emerged. The White House said Monday night Mr. Obama had been tested and was not in danger. The US president said the spread of the disease was a cause for concern “but not a cause for alarm”.

KING 5 News Seattle reported that Carole Bouslaugh from Edmonds got a letter no one wants to receive –   notification of an IRS audit. Shocked by the news, Carole called the agency with the number provided on the letter. “I call it because I want to get this over with,” said Carole. “Then it says, ‘I’m sorry but we can’t complete this call.’ I do it again and I do it again and I go what? It’s totally wrong, totally wrong. So I contacted the IRS using a more reliable method, the phone book.” The agency apologized for the mistake, but wouldn’t admit how many notices were sent out. The number on the notice: 816-897-0177. The correct number for the IRS is 1-800-829-1040. 
 

Tests show it works

Tests show it works

The Telegraph reported that a new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans. Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin. Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA). The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing. Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer’s market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

Some people say anything that rubs you the right way should be purchased, invested in and leveraged to the hilt.

Someone named April

Someone named April

“In a free market economy, products and services that people want generate business and profits and are successful.  They don’t need artificial stimulus or government bailouts,” said April Warrm-Flushh, a market analyst and advisor at the Rub-Me Right Lounge and Investment Bank.  “Products or services that are poor or mismanaged fail and should be left to fail, or the companies that own them should use the bankruptcy for reorganization laws that are already in place to manage these situations.  Government intervention distorts the market and harms the successful well-managed firms competing with bad companies being artificially propped up.  On the other hand, if a little rub-on hard-on lube can jump start a successful business or relationship, it’s okay, as long as it remains fundamentally market driven and open to supply and demand factors and honestly interested parties who are legal adults.  I’m a legal adult.  What are you doing later this evening?”

In other news, the Washington Times reported Tuesday that President Obama’s media cheerleaders are hailing how loved he is. But at the 100-day mark of his presidency, Mr. Obama is the second-least-popular president in 40 years. According to Gallup’s April survey, Americans have a lower approval of Mr. Obama at this point than all but one president since Gallup began tracking this in 1969. The only new president less popular was Bill Clinton, who got off to a notoriously bad start after trying to force homosexuals on the military and a federal raid in Waco, Texas, that killed 86. Mr. Obama’s current approval rating of 56 percent is only one tick higher than the 55-percent approval Mr. Clinton had during those crises.

obama montageIt’s no surprise the liberal media aren’t anxious to point out that their darling is less popular than George W. Bush. But given the Gallup numbers, their hurrahs could be more subdued. USA Today’s front page touted the April poll results as positive, with the headline: “Public thinks highly of Obama.” The current cover of Newsweek magazine ponders “The Secret of His [Mr. Obama’s] Success.” The comparison with previous presidents is useful because they are usually popular during their first few months in office – and most presidents have been more popular than Mr. Obama. No word on what lube the media intends to use over the next four years to prop up the perception that Obama is keeping American’s attitudes happily aroused, but it’ll probably be some combination of nanoparticles and wrong telephone numbers.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Barack Obama has test for virus
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2399368.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

IRS sends out wrong phone number
http://www.king5.com/localnews/getjesse/stories/NW_042709GJB-irs-wrong-phone-number-KC.119b3fa4d.html

Viagra rival ‘can be rubbed directly into skin’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5225138/Viagra-rival-can-be-rubbed-directly-into-skin.html

EDITORIAL: Barack’s in the basement
Obama is less popular than Nixon and Carter
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/28/baracks-in-the-basement/

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Analysis: How to produce high approval ratings for Obama

Steve McCann
American Thinker
April 23, 2009

Just read an AP report: the percentage of Americans that think the country is on the right track rose to 48% in March as compared to 40% in February. In light of the unemployment rising, the debacle in foreign affairs etc, I found it unlikely.  So I looked into the details of the poll.

73% of the Democrats polled thought we were on the right track
17% of Independents
10% of Republicans

That made it even more suspicious as to how those numbers could result in a 48% overall right track vote.

So digging deeper, it turns out

36% of those polled were Democrats
18% Republican
26% Independent
18% None claimed

In the 2008 election the spread between Democrats and Republicans was 6.5 percentage points not 18 and independents made up 22% of the vote not 26%.

It appears that there have been similar distortions in the various polls measuring Obama’s approval ratings.

Source:
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2009/04/how_to_produce_high_approval_r.html

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Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

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Q&A with Bob & Joan: Should the U.S. Close Military Bases, Cut Defense Spending; Centralize Forces at Home?

“The Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
April 22, 2009

Q.

Bob,

You conservatives are complaining about the Obama administration’s plan to slash military spending on new technology and missile defense systems designed to stop first strike nuclear attacks and other conventional warfare from countries like China, Russia, North Korea and others.  But the Obama administration has already pointed out that there is no longer a threat of conventional warfare, only the possibility of small skirmishes with a few small bands of Muslim extremists, or Mexican drug dealers.

The U.S. has military bases and personnel scattered all over the world, in places like Japan, South Korea, Germany and Belgium.  That’s excessive since there are no wars there and the U.S. has no global mandate to be the world’s “police force.”  And now that the U.S. has put Democrats in charge of Congress and in the White House, they’ve been spending trillions of dollars on social programs that all Americans want, and that makes the far flung military too expensive to maintain.  Isn’t it about time to close the foreign military bases and bring the troops home where they can guard the U.S. border from Mexican drug dealers and illegal aliens?

Quit whining about the liberals that Americans have put in charge you dumb bastard.

Hugs and kisses,

Joan

A.

My Dearest Joan,

Your contemplation on the plight of we conservatives over an over-extended military and the free-spending liberals touches me deeply, and your suggestion that we eliminate military-bases world-wide as a solution, are warm and gentile words of encouragement and hope, despite the absurdity and global risk that implementation of such a scheme would entail.  How I long to set aside such petty questions and instead lay my head upon your bosom and bask in the warm glow of your beauty and charm, but such is not my mandate.  I must speak to you honestly about our challenge.

You see, despite the fact that there are not open hostilities between China, Russia, North Korea, Iran and other countries with the U.S. and its allies, the notion that none will ever be forthcoming is but wishful thinking.  The fact that a large and powerful American military is arranged in multiple locations of diverse nature around the globe is one of the key reasons that such a peace presently exists.  In addition to this, the diverse nature and location of U.S. military systems is a practical strategy — not having concentrated military assets in a single location, which, if attacked and crushed, would render the U.S. defense system largely destroyed all in one blow.  Avoiding a circumstance that befell the U.S. Navy at Pearl Harbor, as well as providing the tactical ability to move defensive systems to any part of the globe quickly from a diversity of locations, is a valuable strategic advantage for America and the defense of it’s allies.

Regarding the gargantuan spending on everything that can be imagined by the liberal mind, thereby creating massive debt, the risk of economic collapse and hyper-inflation; the idea that cutting major R&D for future defense systems and stopping current system development would result in savings are mere drops in the bucket, and even if such cuts were sane, they’d not begin to replace the funds being spent.  We have two hopes in this regard.  One, that bureaucrats are too lazy to spend the money fast enough to put us in tremendous debt in the next year and a half.  And two, that Republicans awake from their stupor and adopt Ronald Reagan’s attitude about smaller government and less taxing and spending, and run good campaigns and take control of Congress in the elections less than two years ahead.  Then, having taken power in Congress, to stop the foolish spending and begin to dismantle Obama’s United States of Socialist America (USSA), currently under development.

Regarding the Mexican border, we don’t need a massive troop surge to stop the problems there.  We just need to take the issue seriously and enforce the laws we have and support the professionals and volunteers already working there.  However, if we wanted to be more aggressive in stopping the problem, we’d simply declare several miles of ground inside the US/Mexican border as “no man’s land” and set up military snipers to shoot anyone found in that sector.  We’ve done it successfully in the Middle East and other areas.  These men, properly posted, can secure many miles of terrain and kill efficiently, inexpensively and with pin-point accurately.  A couple weeks of this and no one would bother trying to come into the U.S. illegally across the US/Mexican border.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I must tell you that if true Americans — the 46% who voted for McCain and not Obama — were in charge, we could solve these problems without resorting to silly notions of slashing our military power in effort to fund tattoo removal in Los Angeles (part of the ‘stimulus package’ recently passed by Congress).  It is my hope that those who voted the liberals into office because they wanted “change” will shake off their mental weirdness and put real Americans in charge in the near future.  In the meantime, we conservatives must prepare, must battle stupidity as best we can, and love those who love us, and try to neutralize those who don’t.

I hope this finds you happy, well, and firm where you want to be; and soft where you’d like to be.

With the warmest of feelings toward you, barely contained behind my muscular physique,

Bob

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Q&A with Bob & Joan: Are Conservatives Just Whiners?

“The Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
April 8, 2009

Q.

Bob,

You conservatives have been complaining a lot about the Obama administration and the trillions of dollars he and the Democrat Congress are spending, and how they’re removing power and freedom from American citizens.  You live in a representative form of government, why don’t you just write to your Congressional leaders and tell them what you want?  They’ll do what you ask and everything will be fine.

Quit whining you dumb bastard.

Hugs and kisses,

Joan

A.

My Dearest Joan,

Your contemplation on the plight of we conservatives touches me deeply and your suggestion that we write our Congressional leaders and explain the nature of common sense to them, are warm and gentle words of encouragement to we poor huddled logical-thinking bastards.  Alas it falls to me to be the bearer of news unaccustomed to your ears – gentle, pink and thoughtful though they may be.  And yes, though I’d rather lay my head upon your soft shoulder and contemplate honeysuckle and cleavage, such is not my mandate.  I must speak honestly to you about our challenge.

You see, many of us have sucked it up and in the moments after working long hours, have written missives of encouragement to our Congressional leaders, mostly in kind and gentle and thoughtful terms, requesting that they pull their heads out of their collective asses long enough to get some fresh air and start thinking straight.  And as is my own case, I am represented by mostly Republican types who have voted against Comrade Obama’s massive budget and spending plans.  I have written them words of encouragement and an occasional suggestion and must tell you that they have done well, but are a minority.

Comrade Obama and his minions control the White House and both Houses of Congress.  And try though we have, they continue to tell us to go screw ourselves, mostly using those words or suggestions along those lines.  And since they are our leaders, we have given it fair consideration, but believe it will not alleviate the overspending, growing government bureaucracy, higher taxes and fear of inflation which has us all pissed off to begin with.

And so my fine and gentle Joan, I must tell you that despite our best efforts, we remain hosed.

I hope this finds you happy, well, and smooth and fuzzy in the places you wish to be.

With warm feelings oozing out all over,

Bob

Note from Gallup:

Subject: From Gallup.Com: Obama Approval Rating Stable, Polarized
Date: Tue, Apr 7, 2009 at 3:40 PM

Barack Obama’s job approval rating has been highly stable, averaging 62% for the past week and for all of March. There is a wide partisan divide in evaluations of him between Democrats (90%) and Republicans (27%) — a gap that has grown over time.

Read more at GALLUP.com.

“The first question is not whether government is good or evil, but whether government is coercive — whether government relies on force to fill its coffers, enforce its commands, and impose its will.  To get a clear understanding of the pervasive use and threat of force in daily government actions is the first step towards political realism … Taxation is not a mere technicality to be relegated to the footnotes of political science and public administration.  Taxation goes to the heart of the relation of the citizen to the State: the higher the taxation, the greater the subjugation — the more that politicians are preempting individuals from building their own lives.  Every increase in taxation is a proclamation that government knows best, and thus that politicians are entitled to commandeer more of the individuals paycheck and save him from himself.”

– Jame Bovard
“Freedom in Chains: The Rise of the State and the Demise of the Citizen”(C) 1999 St. Martins Press

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Liberals vs Conservatives

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’

Her parents beamed.

‘Wow…what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.’

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’

I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Milky Way Goldilocks, Craigslist Hookers and, Designer Vaginas the Art form

> Quest for the ‘Goldilocks zone’ in Milky Way
> Cook County sues Craigslist over prostitution ads
> British sculptor needs 20 plaster-casts of women’s vaginas for project

Inebriated Press
March 9, 2009

Goldilocks

Goldilocks

CNET News reported Friday that NASA’s Kepler satellite was launched into space to keep watch on a select patch of the Milky Way in an attempt to find a planet that in Goldilocks parlance, is “just right” to support life. And PC World reported Thursday that the Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, filed a lawsuit against Craigslist, charging it with facilitating prostitution. Meanwhile, The Sun reported Thursday that artist Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting, has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas for a ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture.  Drunken hoot owls and Wall Street traders are contemplating new investment strategies and think prostitutes, vaginal art and staring into space will beat the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the next four years and maybe beyond.

“We’re in a new era of hope and change and $20 trillion dollar spending, and investments that paid off during the fuddy-duddy years of hard work, personal responsibility and common sense no longer matter in the new Obamanomic economy,” said Marjorie Maxim-Thighmaster, an investment adviser and part time stripper at the Hapless Parrot and Madoff Monkey Lounge.  “We have to look at new approaches to investing.  We believe that a well balanced portfolio now consists of direct investment in hookers and vaginal art with equal parts of staring off into space.  We’re having a little trouble modeling the future returns projections, but we’ve got all the fine print figured out, so we’re making progress.  We know Obama’s plans will destroy industry, initiative and our economy, but we think stuff related to sex and lethargy has a shot at surviving.”

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Milky Way or Your 401k?

Not everyone agrees with Maxim-Thighmaster.  “It’s disappointing that some people don’t have confidence in president Obama to do what’s right for them, and are thinking that their future is doomed because it only lies in sex and a semi comatose state — as though that’s a bad thing.  I lived most of the 1960s like that and it refined my personality and the genius of my outlook,” said Nancy Pelosi, the current U.S. Speaker of the House and a part time jack-in-a-box when seated behind Obama in Congress and darn near everyplace else she’s near him.  “We Democrats have set out to change America and it’s only the deluded people on the right who thought we might not do it.  Americans voted for change and they’re going to get it whether they understood what that meant or not.  We won and we’re in power, and we’ll do everything we can to change America and defy its out-of-date constitution.  The twenty trillion dollars in spending and the twenty-five percent drop in the Dow over the last couple weeks is only the first step.  We’ll redistribute wealth and what we can’t redistribute we’ll destroy.  Americans will become dependent on the Obama Oligarchy and will be all the better for it.  It’s just the simple people still clinging to god-and-guns, common sense and personal freedom who don’t understand how good this is for them.”

The Kepler Region

The Kepler Region

CNET News reported that NASA’s Kepler satellite is headed out to keep watch on a patch of the Milky Way for at least three and a half years. Unlike the Hubble space telescope, Kepler won’t be taking brilliant pictures suitable for framing. Instead, it will look for minute changes in the brightness of stars–some 100,000 of them–that would indicate a planet passing in front. Of all the planets Kepler eventually finds, what NASA is most interested in are planets like Earth. That is, it’s looking for rocky orbs–from half as large to twice as large as our big blue marble–in the habitable zone around a given star where conditions might be amenable to folks like us, or at least some of our fellow earthly organisms. In the vastness of the universe, there are likely to be nearly countless planets. The big question for humans, of course, is whether even a single one of them could support life.  Will we find a “Goldilocks zone” in the Milky Way?  Kepler will try.

Some services may find upturn in downturn

Some services may find upturn in downturn

PC World reported that the second largest sheriff’s department in the U.S. filed a lawsuit against Craigslist last Thursday, charging the online classifieds site with facilitating prostitution. The Cook County Sheriff’s department, which encompasses Chicago, asks the court to force Craigslist to close its erotic services section and pay damages for the money the police have spent monitoring the forum and pursuing suspects. “To say Craigslist’s ‘erotic services’ forum makes prostitution accessible is an understatement. While Defendant does not profit from erotic services per se, erotic services is the catalyst behind Craigslist being the ninth most popular website in the country,” the lawsuit, filed in the U.S. District Court for the northern district of Illinois, reads. Between January and November 2008, Cook County police arrested 156 people via Craigslist erotic services ads, the suit said. Officers spent 3,120 hours working on the arrests for a cost of over $105,000, according to the suit. In a statement, Craigslist said it hasn’t yet seen the complaint.

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

Artist and Model prep for deeper things

The Sun reported that an artist has appealed for 20 women to visit his studios so he can make plaster-cast models of their vaginas. Jamie McCartney of Brighton Body Casting already has 180 in the bag, but wants another 20 to complete the sculpture, which comments on the trend for surgically altered ‘designer vaginas’. Mr McCartney said: “I am offering women the last chance to be 1/200th of art history in the making.” The artist’s ‘Design a Vagina’ sculpture is due to be unveiled in May at the Brighton Fringe. The casts already taken have come from women ranging in age from 18 to 64.

Some people say “give a woman the right vagina and she will rule the world.”

“The old days of using levers to move things and hard work to build wealth are gone,” said Helga Tubulartract-Squared, Director of the Association for Fiscal Irresponsibility and Hard Core Plaster Casting.  “In the new economy banging your way to success is not only practical its a modern return-on- investment tool.  Archimedes has been replaced by ACORN and the lever by female anatomy.  And it’s not like old school ‘gold digging’ because we use new techniques; it’s more like entrepreneurial mining.  We’d rule the world already if we didn’t get PMS every thirty days and temporarily lose our minds.  At least it’s not a permanent condition like most of the men I know.”

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

Good Clean Fun exotic maid service

In other news, CNEWS reported Friday that a new cleaning service features young women clad in French maid outfits, red stilettos and fishnet stockings. “They do the same job as regular cleaners, but they look fantastic doing it,” said Elise Skoglund, owner of Good Clean Fun exotic maid service, which opened up shop in Edmonton [Canada] last fall. For $125 an hour, a sexy maid will do everything from dusting the TV to wiping the counters, but toilets are a no-go zone. Skoglund explained that since the maid is already dressed in skimpy clothes and high heels, getting down on her hands and knees to clean the toilet would cross the line into degrading territory. No word on whether they’ve had plaster casts made of their vaginas or if they’re on Craigslist, but chances are they’re a better investment than General Motors and beat staring into space.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Article sources:

Kepler: Finding a ‘Goldilocks zone’ in the Milky Way
http://news.cnet.com/8301-11386_3-10190587-76.html

Cook County Sues Craigslist Over Prostitution Ads
http://www.pcworld.com/article/160803/cook_county_sues_craigslist_over_prostitution_ads.html

It’s the vagina model-ogues
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2296504.ece

‘Exotic’ maids naughty and neat
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2009/03/06/8649591-sun.html

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