Tag Archives: rights

US Citizenship as Birthright may End, Red Bull contains Cocaine now, and Murderer Serving Life in Prison gets Knocked Up, gives Birth

> Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
> Red Bull banned in Germany for containing Cocaine
> Convicted murderer out on ‘day release’ gets knocked up at hotel, gives birth to daughter

Inebriated Press
May 29, 2009

CocaineThe Associated Press reported Monday that U.S. Representative Nathan Deal (R-Georgia) has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates.  And, The Sun reported Tuesday that Germany has pulled Red Bull “energy drink” off all store shelves after routine food safety tests found that it contains cocaine, a Class A drug.  Meanwhile, the Manchester Evening News reported that Lisa Healey, a convicted murderer serving life in prison, gave birth to a baby girl after getting pregnant at a hotel while on day release.  Inebriated reporters all drugged up on Red Bull are supporting new regulations that allow anyone born on earth to be named a U.S. citizen if they want it, and receive national healthcare, just like murderers who get knocked up while taking time off from serving life in prison.

Someone named Elena

Someone named Elena

“Terrorists have the same rights as U.S. citizens and death row killers get free health care, so it only makes sense that we simply hand out U.S. citizenship to anyone who asks for it, and we give free health care to everyone who’s not in prison — it’s about fairness and equity to everyone who wants something,” said Elena Von Questionmarc, a part-time Inebriated reporter and part-time sober stripper, sometimes all on the same day.  “President Obama says terrorists rights should be respected, and North Korean dictators placated, and Iranian nuke-heads befriended, and all god’s children should have free healthcare provided by idiots who work for a living.  I can’t argue with that. Why would I?  I may stop working myself for no particular reason and I’ll still want to be taken care of — receive government welfare and healthcare.  It’s really my right as an American.  There will always be some morons who will want to work.  Let’s tax the hell out of them, it’ll serve them right for thinking that just because they work hard that they’re somehow better than other people who don’t.  Quick, give me another hit of Red Bull before I quit quivering and start feeling depressed.”

Someone named Desiree

Someone named Desiree

Not everyone agrees with Von Questionmarc.  “Examples of foolishness abound in America today, but the proposal that babies born on U.S. soil shouldn’t get automatic citizenship unless at least one of their parents is already a U.S. citizen, isn’t one of them.  It makes good sense.  Why should being born on a patch of dirt grant you special privileges if your parents are on that dirt illegally?  It shouldn’t.  And national healthcare is a disaster wherever it’s been tried.  Why do American socialists think they’re smarter than UK or Canadian ones?  The whole idea is just plain silly,” said Desiree Disirable-Thinkr, a market analyst at the Lusty Virgin Healthcare Clinic and Battery Sales Warehouse.  “As far as killer inmates getting knocked up on their day off goes, I think that’s a good example of abject stupidity on the part of the government.  Killers will do whatever they want; I think that’s pretty apparent.  Government shouldn’t allow them to perpetuate their kind, let alone be allowed in situations where it’s even possible.  But at least Red Bull has cocaine in it.  Finally I’ve been getting my money’s worth out of some damn thing.”

We're all Americans ... when we feel like it ...

We're all Americans ... when we feel like it ...

The Associated Press reported that U.S. Rep. Nathan Deal, a Republican candidate for governor of Georgia, has proposed changing the long-standing federal policy that automatically grants citizenship to any baby born on U.S. soil, a move opposed by immigrant rights advocates. Supporters of Deal’s proposal say “birthright citizenship” encourages illegal immigration and makes enforcement of immigration laws more difficult. Opponents say the proposed law wouldn’t solve the illegal immigration problem and goes against this country’s traditions of welcoming immigrants. Deal and his supporters say the 14th Amendment wording was never meant to automatically give citizenship to babies born to illegal immigrants. Under Deal’s proposal, babies born in the U.S. would automatically have citizenship only if at least one of their parents is a U.S. citizen or national, a legal permanent resident of the U.S., or actively serving in the U.S. military. Supporters of the bill say automatic citizenship provides an incentive for women to risk coming to the country illegally. They call U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants “anchor babies” because, when they become adults, the children can sponsor their parents for legal permanent residency. Deal, who has submitted his bill to the House Judiciary Committee, said he’s not optimistic about it becoming law this year unless it is tacked onto another bill.

Hey there, want to score some really good shit?

Hey there, want to score some really good shit?

UK’s The Sun reported that Red Bull Cola has been taken off the shelves in Germany after inspectors found traces of cocaine. Coca leaf extracts in the drink tested positive for the Class A drug in routine food safety tests. Officials said the cocaine levels were not a health risk — but the drug was banned in food. Red Bull insisted coca leaf was a safe flavoring and the drink should go back on sale. 
 

Knocked up during lock up

Knocked up during lock up

The Manchester Evening News reported that convicted murderer Lisa Healey, 26, serving life in prison, became pregnant at a hotel while on day release. Now she has given birth to a baby girl and both are understood to be back behind bars at the mum and baby unit at Askham Grange prison in York. The father is Michael Dent who was serving time for drugs offences. Dent, who was at Moorlands open prison in Doncaster, met Healey when he went to Askham as a ‘prison representative’ at a forum about re-offending with civil servants, business leaders and charities. Healey was providing the catering along with other inmates. Healey was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison for torturing and killing Lily Lilly, a 71 year-old woman from Failsworth. Healey, who has served ten years of her life sentence, was allowed out on day-release from last year because she was deemed to be ‘of low risk to the general public’. Dent was released in September and Healey is due to be released next month although she will remain ‘on license’ for the rest of her life. It means she can be recalled to prison at any time if she misbehaves.

Some people say that since life-in-prison actually means about 10 years, that the term misbehavior means killing not more than two or three people.

Rules are flexible.  Death tends to be less so.

Rules are flexible. Death tends to be less so.

“Ten years in the jug with barely enough freedom to develop a relationship, have sex, get knocked up and have a kid, is like a life time, so you have to cut the girl some slack and let her kill another person without locking her back up; I mean she should get some credit for the time she’s put in,” said someone claiming to be Sonia Sotomayor, Obama’s recent nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court.  “The U.S. Constitution is a flexible document and should be a kind of guide but shouldn’t be taken literally.  Judges need to create law as they see fit and take into account whether the situation involves thoughtful minorities and young girls who kill during innocent fun, or just asshole middle aged white guys doing business, or some idiots who think they deserve some Constitutional rights just because some old white guys in Philly thought they should have free speech and shit like that, back in the day. I’ve had a lot of my rulings overturned because they weren’t Constitutional, but now I get to define the Constitution as I see fit.  Payback time boys.  Now I get mine and by god, you’re going to get yours — they way I dish it out.  Yee ha!  And I say that with all humility.”

Girls just want to have fun

Girls just want to have fun

In other news, the Evening Sun Reported Tuesday that two girls kicked off a plane amid claims they tried to open a door at 50,000 feet have been arrested. Leanne Connor and pal Lynette York caused a national storm last summer after allegations of drunken antics on a flight from Kos to Manchester. The Salford pair were escorted off the jet after their actions forced the pilot to make an emergency landing in Frankfurt. They were arrested by German officials but later allowed to return home. Fellow passengers claimed they swigged from a bottle of vodka they took on the flight with them, abused staff and threatened to open the door. No word on what kind of penalty the girls may face, but if murder costs ten years and the freedom to get knocked up, a little vodka inspired terrorism on an airplane shouldn’t cost more than a few days in the jug and maybe confiscation of some vibrator batteries.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Georgia lawmaker wants to end ‘birthright citizenship’
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/stories/2009/05/25/citizenship_bill.html

Red Bull drug ban in Germany
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2448377/Germany-ban-Red-Bull-for-cocaine-traces.html

Killer pregnant on day release
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1117115_killer_pregnant_on_day_release

Girls arrested over ‘air rage’
http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/1117120_girls_arrested_over_air_rage

Note on Day Release from Merriam-Webster Dictionary:
day re•lease
Pronunciation:\-ri-ˈlēs\
Function:noun
British : a program in hospitals, prisons, and jails in which patients or prisoners are permitted to spend part of the day outside their institution of confinement studying, training, or working
http://mw4.m-w.com/medical/day%20release

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Cleared to Orgasm before 11pm, Legalizing Illegal Immigrants, and the Swedish Child Porn Library

> Standards Authority OKs Orgasms on Early Evening TV
> Obama to Legalize 12 million Illegal Aliens
> Swedish National Library Reported for Child Porn
.
Inebriated Press
April 10, 2009

Orgasm before 11pmThe UK Telegraph reported Wednesday that a ruling by the Advertising Standards Authority says it’s okay if women orgasm on television before 11pm, or at least appear to do so.  And the New York times reported Wednesday that U.S. president Obama will initiate a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants.  Meanwhile, The Local reported Monday that Swedish child protection groups are attempting to stop the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography.  The library holds large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old. Inebriated reporters, stumbling around half naked behind a local strip club, have come in out of the rain long enough to debate why some people are bothered by any of this news. 

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“Since all ethics are subjective and arbitrary, people who argue on behalf of common sense saying that child porn is wrong, or that illegal immigration is against the law, or that sex on TV during childrens viewing hours is bad somehow, are all confused and irrelavant.  They say there’s some value to social stability, and that child abuse is bad,” said Sandy Twisted-Deviant, a pretend reporter of no repute, who hopes the decision by the Standards Authority will somehow result in her having an instant orgasm each evening at 10pm.  “Rule of law is an old-fashioned standard foised upon humankind by hard ass old timers who held the silly idea that individual human beings had value that should be protected, and that individual rights were ‘bestowed on them by their creator, and that among those rights were life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness’.  It’s a bunch of clap-trap.  The State gives rights and decides how to value them.  The idea that an indivdual human life has any value went away when we decided to kill unborn kids, and that happened centries ago.  Silly reform type people are clinging to irrational logic.  There are no rules.  Chaos is natural and should be embrased.  Based on his policy initiatives, Barack Obama understands this.  The old America is gone baby.  And good ridance.”

Someone named Nancy

Someone named Nancy

Not everyone agrees with Twisted-Deviant.  “Sex on TV during kids viewing hours, legalizing law breakers, and State sanctioned child porn distribution systems, demonstrate a decline of civil society into a morase of relativism and arbitrary ethics.  It’s like a black hole sucking away truth, justice, freedom, love and beauty — all the things that make humanity different from the animals,” said Nancy Happi-Halo, a conservative social activist disguised as a hot blonde nuclear physicst.  “The concept of rights derived from god and endowed upon human beings makes taking it away wrong, and defending it a core principle of both religion and human duty.  Lacking that, Twisted-Deviant has a point, human ethics are whatever we make up.  The founders of the United States understood that, having lived in Europe and under the changing ethics of whatever king was in charge at the time.  I know that interpretation of god’s will is the reason hundreds, maybe thousands of religions have all popped up and are fought over.  Yet within each of them is the kernal of ‘fairness’.  And its the key, unless it’s perverted in an attempt to oppress some sex, or person, or group.  I’ve concluded that being a ‘god and guns’ person, like the original American founders, gives me the best shot at living in a country with real freedoms, rights and economic opportunity and stability.”

Daylight OrgasmThe Telegraph reported that the Advertising Standards Authority cleared an advert promoting orgasm enhancing gel. It was given a post-11pm restriction by the TV ad clearance body Clearcast, but ran on Channel 4 at 10.05pm, prompting a complaint to the ASA that it was “offensive and overly graphic”. The advert for Durex Play O Orgasmic Gel featured a montage of silent clips of women who appeared to express sexual ecstasy set to an excerpt from Mozart’s “Magic Flute”. A female voice-over stated “Feel like never before. New Durex Play O. Pleasure enhancing gel for women. Durex Play, all you need.” The ASA said that despite the ad being run earlier than Clearcast’s scheduling advice it considered the TV ad was “unlikely to cause offence to viewers”. The decision comes just over a week after the ASA recommended that the whole system be liberalised to allow pre-watershed adverts for condoms and abortions.

Obama gets illegal's backing

Obama gets illegal's backing

The New York Times reported that President Obama plans to begin addressing the country’s immigration system this year, including a plan to make legal status possible for an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants. Mr. Obama will frame the new effort — likely to rouse passions on all sides of the highly divisive issue — as “policy reform that controls immigration and makes it an orderly system,” said the official, Cecilia Muñoz, deputy assistant to the president and director of intergovernmental affairs in the White House. Mr. Obama plans to speak publicly about the issue in May, administration officials said, and over the summer he will convene working groups, including lawmakers from both parties and a range of immigration groups, to begin discussing possible legislation for as early as this fall. In broad outlines, officials said, the Obama administration favors legislation that would bring illegal immigrants into the legal system by recognizing that they violated the law, and imposing fines and other penalties to fit the offense. Anticipating opposition, Mr. Obama has sought to shift some of the political burden to advocates for immigrants, by encouraging them to build support among voters for when his proposal goes to Congress. Administration officials emphasized that many details remained to be debated.

Swede Child Porn Library

Swede Child Porn Library

The Local reported that the Swedish national library will be reported to the police for the possession and distribution of child pornography by two Swedish child protection groups, Hand i Hand (literally: hand in hand) and the Föreningen Anhöriga Till Sexuellt Utnyttjade Barn (ATSUB – The Association of Relatives to Sexually-abused Children). Birgitta Holmberg at ATSUB told The Local on Monday that the purpose of the police report is two-fold. Firstly to put a stop to the distribution of the National Library’s collection of child pornography, and secondly to expose how much of the library’s collection has been copied. The existence of the National Library’s collection of child pornography emerged after a visit by the writer Valentin Bart in November 2008. Not only does the library hold large quantities of pornography, featuring children as young as 10-years-old, but access to the material was straightforward, and easy to get and copy. “We want strict licensing and control of researchers,” Holmberg said.

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

Hire me baby, I'm new and improved

In other news, Reuters reported Wednesday that when the going gets tough, some of the tough get going to the plastic surgeon’s office. Some surgeons and patients are now citing increased interest in surgery among people wanting to look younger and “fresher” for the ever-competitive job market. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons released a recent survey showing that American women were looking at cosmetic surgery to get a competitive edge in the workplace. About 13 percent of the 756 women surveyed, between the ages of 18 and 64, say they would consider having a cosmetic medical procedure to make them more confident and more competitive in the job market. Manhattan plastic surgeon Stephen Greenberg saw an opportunity in this growing trend and recently began promoting a “Job Fighter Package” for men and women.

“We’ve probably done no less than 50 to 60 tune-ups since launching the package about five months ago,” Greenberg said, noting that not all the “tuneups” have involved surgeries, but also less costly and invasive procedures like cosmetic injectables. No word on the doc’s feel about TV orgasms, State sanctioned library child porn distribution or legalizing illegal immigrants, but if it allows them to create a “child porn fighter” package, or “free the illegals” package, and gets them an orgasm before 11pm, you can bet they’ll be big-time supporters.  Let chaos rein.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Women may orgasm on television before 11pm
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/5124704/Women-may-orgasm-on-television-before-11pm.html

Obama to Push Immigration Bill as One Priority
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/09/us/politics/09immig.html

Swedish national library reported for child porn
http://www.thelocal.se/18704/20090406/

Plastic surgery is latest accessory for job seekers
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30112465/

Comments Off on Cleared to Orgasm before 11pm, Legalizing Illegal Immigrants, and the Swedish Child Porn Library

Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor