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Obama’s Touch Kills, IRS Gives Out Wrong Numbers, New Rub-on ‘Viagra’ Invented

> Obama tested for virus after man he touches dies next day
> IRS issues audit notices with wrong telephone contact number
> New erectile drug cures when rubbed on “problem area”

Inebriated Press
April 30, 2009

Up your chances with nanotech

Up your chances with nanotech

The Sun reported Tuesday that President Obama was tested for a virus after a man he shook hands with collapsed and died the next day.  And KING 5 News Seattle reported on Monday that letters issued by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service (IRS) informing citizens that they are being audited contain the wrong telephone number.  Meanwhile, The Telegraph reported that a new anti-impotency drug has been developed that can be “rubbed on the problem area and absorbed directly into the skin”.  Inebriated Reporters are avoiding Obama’s touch and dodging his gaze, while blowing off the IRS and aggressively hunting rub-on sex products.

Pissed off conservative

Pissed off conservative

“Obama’s been called the light bringer by New Age types who believe he’s divinely appointed by nature and evolution to guide the world into a new era of hope and peace, but we know now that his touch is deadly.  People who shake his hand die, nations that accept his economic policies face financial ruin, countries that adopt his foreign policies are weakened and may collapse,” said some pissed off conservative, still clinging to god, guns, individual freedom and the scattered remnants of traditional America.  “We all know that Timothy Geithner the Treasury Secretary and head of the IRS, cheated on his taxes.  No wonder he won’t put the right phone number on audit letters, he doesn’t really want to have to talk to anyone.  I’m just grateful that the medical companies have invented rub-on hard-on products.  I don’t actually need anything like that to get the machinery going, but it sounds like a fun product that’s going to be outselling jelly bean’s.  In this economy, a guy’s got to grab the bright spots where ever he can find them.”

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Happy and content Democrat leader Reid

Not everyone agrees with the pissed off conservative.  “Obama was tested for a virus because people were afraid he may have caught something from the walking-dead guy, not the other way around.  And the IRS isn’t good with numbers, that’s the only reason for the phone number problem; it’s not a big deal.  As far as rub-on sexual stimulation and erectile products go, well, I like it.  Strange as it may seem, there are some things that liberals and conservatives can agree on,” said a passing liberal, spinning like a top and throwing tax-payer money in all directions and calling it stimulus and an investment in America’s infrastructure.  “I don’t know about Barack and all the light bringer stuff, but he’s spending our nation’s future today so that has to count for something.  Now go ahead and rub me with some of that stuff.  Let’s see what happens.”

dead-man-shaking-obamas-handThe Sun reported that a man who shook President Barack Obama’s hand in Mexico collapsed and died the next day with swine flu-like symptoms. Archaeologist Felipe Solis, 65, met Mr. Obama, on April 16, three days after the virus emerged. The White House said Monday night Mr. Obama had been tested and was not in danger. The US president said the spread of the disease was a cause for concern “but not a cause for alarm”.

KING 5 News Seattle reported that Carole Bouslaugh from Edmonds got a letter no one wants to receive –   notification of an IRS audit. Shocked by the news, Carole called the agency with the number provided on the letter. “I call it because I want to get this over with,” said Carole. “Then it says, ‘I’m sorry but we can’t complete this call.’ I do it again and I do it again and I go what? It’s totally wrong, totally wrong. So I contacted the IRS using a more reliable method, the phone book.” The agency apologized for the mistake, but wouldn’t admit how many notices were sent out. The number on the notice: 816-897-0177. The correct number for the IRS is 1-800-829-1040. 
 

Tests show it works

Tests show it works

The Telegraph reported that a new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. Scientists in the United States have successfully tested the new technique – which involves tiny objects called nanoparticles – on rats and believe it could also be used to help humans. Under the therapy, nanoparticles that release the anti-erectile chemical nitric oxide are rubbed on the problem area, and absorbed directly into the skin. Of the seven rats treated by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, five showed signs of arousal, according to results presented to the American Urological Association (AUA). The new treatment would likely have fewer side effects than Viagra, which is taken orally and been shown to cause headaches and facial flushing. Researchers also believe that the nanoparticle therapy could work much more quickly than Pfizer’s market-leading drug, which takes up to an hour to kick in.

Some people say anything that rubs you the right way should be purchased, invested in and leveraged to the hilt.

Someone named April

Someone named April

“In a free market economy, products and services that people want generate business and profits and are successful.  They don’t need artificial stimulus or government bailouts,” said April Warrm-Flushh, a market analyst and advisor at the Rub-Me Right Lounge and Investment Bank.  “Products or services that are poor or mismanaged fail and should be left to fail, or the companies that own them should use the bankruptcy for reorganization laws that are already in place to manage these situations.  Government intervention distorts the market and harms the successful well-managed firms competing with bad companies being artificially propped up.  On the other hand, if a little rub-on hard-on lube can jump start a successful business or relationship, it’s okay, as long as it remains fundamentally market driven and open to supply and demand factors and honestly interested parties who are legal adults.  I’m a legal adult.  What are you doing later this evening?”

In other news, the Washington Times reported Tuesday that President Obama’s media cheerleaders are hailing how loved he is. But at the 100-day mark of his presidency, Mr. Obama is the second-least-popular president in 40 years. According to Gallup’s April survey, Americans have a lower approval of Mr. Obama at this point than all but one president since Gallup began tracking this in 1969. The only new president less popular was Bill Clinton, who got off to a notoriously bad start after trying to force homosexuals on the military and a federal raid in Waco, Texas, that killed 86. Mr. Obama’s current approval rating of 56 percent is only one tick higher than the 55-percent approval Mr. Clinton had during those crises.

obama montageIt’s no surprise the liberal media aren’t anxious to point out that their darling is less popular than George W. Bush. But given the Gallup numbers, their hurrahs could be more subdued. USA Today’s front page touted the April poll results as positive, with the headline: “Public thinks highly of Obama.” The current cover of Newsweek magazine ponders “The Secret of His [Mr. Obama’s] Success.” The comparison with previous presidents is useful because they are usually popular during their first few months in office – and most presidents have been more popular than Mr. Obama. No word on what lube the media intends to use over the next four years to prop up the perception that Obama is keeping American’s attitudes happily aroused, but it’ll probably be some combination of nanoparticles and wrong telephone numbers.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Barack Obama has test for virus
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2399368.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

IRS sends out wrong phone number
http://www.king5.com/localnews/getjesse/stories/NW_042709GJB-irs-wrong-phone-number-KC.119b3fa4d.html

Viagra rival ‘can be rubbed directly into skin’
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5225138/Viagra-rival-can-be-rubbed-directly-into-skin.html

EDITORIAL: Barack’s in the basement
Obama is less popular than Nixon and Carter
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/apr/28/baracks-in-the-basement/

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Male Gender at Risk, Sperm Quality is Based on Brains, and Woman is Shot During Sex

New Study: pollution damaging genitals, men’s ability to father offspring
New Research: Men’s sperm quality depends on intelligence
News: Man claims he accidentally shot wife during sex

Inebriated Press
December 9, 2008
Getting femmy?

Getting femmy?

The UK Independent reported on Sunday that startling new research says the male gender is in danger as common chemicals are feminizing males of all classes of animals, including people.  And Economist Magazine reported last week that a paper about to be published in “Intelligence” by Rosalind Arden of King’s College, London, says that brainy men have better sperm than stupid guys.  Meanwhile, The UK Sun reported Friday that a U.S. man told cops he was reaching for something on the bedside table during sex with his wife when his pistol went off shooting a bullet into her chest.  Pundits are debating whether Chinese pollution can be held to blame for bad sperm which resulted in a stupid man shooting his wife during sex, or whether household chemical companies are ultimately responsible.

“Obviously in an era when government bailouts of bad companies is commonplace, and teachers have indiscriminate sex with their students, no one is really responsible for themselves anymore; so either household chemical companies or pollution from China is to blame for the existence of the guy who shot his wife during sex,” said Alfredo Newmann, an attorney and TV talk show host wannabee, who often brushes his teeth out of habit but never gives to the needy for any reason.  “Since the U.S. accepts tainted food and other products from China we can’t really blame them for the problem.  I think the most logical thing to do is to sue Proctor and Gamble.  I’m sure they’re producing something that’s probably harmful and they don’t need a cash bailout so they must have some money.  P&G should probably write the guy and his wife a check for a few million dollars and then give me a cut since I proposed this reasonable settlement.  I am an attorney after all and I understand this stuff.  Maybe the government should just give me a cut of all transactions that occur in the U.S. directly; it’d save me the bother of collection.  U.S. attorneys get a piece of most of the money swirling around our economy anyhow. It’s our clever sperm that enables us to do it. Science says so.”

Takes brains to have real balls

Takes brains to have real balls

Not everyone is climbing on board the Newmann attorney-led sex-injury-by-soap-company settlement express.  “There are lots of stupid guys out there and a law degree only means you cleared a bar exam somewhere.  Intelligence and common sense are two totally different things,” said Sandy Barnacle-Beachwear, a Clerk of Court and part-time wrestler at the Hapless Parrot Lounge.  “If I decide to have a kid I’m going to have a clone made of myself anyway, so I don’t care if guys can’t procreate anymore.  The few smart ones I know are married already and the bums who come on to me I want nothing to do with.  Some people say pollution is messing with evolution and ruining guys’ sperm. I say evolution is doing its thing just fine.  The idiots are dying out.  That’s the way it’s supposed to work.  Too bad the moron who shot his wife during sex didn’t shoot himself in the chest.  Still, evolution has always had a bit of random chance in it.”

The Independent reported that evolution is being distorted by pollution, which damages genitals and the ability of men to father offspring.  According to startling scientific research from around the world, the male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife. Backed by some of the world’s leading scientists, who say that it “waves a red flag” for humanity and shows that evolution itself is being disrupted, the report comes out at a particularly sensitive time for British ministers. On Wednesday, Britain will lead opposition to proposed new European controls on pesticides, many of which have been found to have “gender-bending” effects. It also follows hard on the heels of new American research which shows that baby boys born to women exposed to widespread chemicals in pregnancy are born with smaller penises and feminized genitals. “This research shows that the basic male tool kit is under threat,” says Gwynne Lyons, a former government adviser on the health effects of chemicals, who wrote the report.

The Quest for Intelligence Goes On

The Quest for Intelligence Goes On

The Economist reported that a paper about to be published in “Intelligence” by Rosalind Arden of King’s College, London, and her colleagues, says that the quality of a man’s sperm depends on how intelligent he is, and vice versa.  Ms Arden is one of a group of researchers looking into the connections between intelligence, genetics and health. They surmise that the reason for the link may be that intelligence is one manifestation of an underlying, genetically based healthiness; and vice versa; or that intelligent people make better choices about how to conduct their lives. Smarter guys may, for example, be less likely to smoke, more likely to eat healthy foods or to exercise, and so on. During the study they found that neither age nor any obvious confounding variable that might have been a consequence of intelligent decisions about health (obesity, smoking, drinking and drug use) had any effect on the result. Brainy men, it seems, do have better sperm. The story writer said this isn’t very politically correct to say, but the hypothesis looks stronger by the day.

The Sun reported that a husband has claimed he accidentally shot his wife while they were having sex.  Timothy Havens, 38, told cops in the US he was reaching for something on the bedside table when the pistol went off. A bullet hit his estranged wife Carolyn in the chest. He dialed 911 and was heard saying in the emergency call: “[The gun was] right beside the bed. “I picked it up and put it off to the side. We were having sex and it went off.” Mrs. Havens, 42, was left fighting for her life at a hospital in Dayton, Ohio. Havens was arrested after it emerged his wife had a civil protection order against him. He had previously spent 60 days in jail for assaulting his wife and been ordered to attend anger management classes.

Some people say that when thinking about sex, men and intelligence part company.

Ronald Reagan - You gotta fight for freedom to keep it.

Ronald Reagan - You gotta fight for freedom to keep it.

“Modern men revert back to a caveman mindset the closer they get to a sexual opportunity, and I think if you tested the guys sperm and intelligence at that moment, you’d find the quality of both pretty low,” said a jogger casually passing gas in an affront to both males and climate change.  “But I don’t know how to explain the insanity in the U.S. Congress.  You’d think that both eggs and sperm quality would be so bad that bureaucracy would have died out altogether by now.  I guess the smart folks must be throwing off some bad seeds that keep running for office so we maintain the bureaucratic population.  Whoever claimed that evolution was survival of the fittest and that nature is constantly improving itself forgot about entropy and the Second Law of Thermodynamics.  Our nation is going down if we won’t fight for it.  Ronald Reagan said, ‘Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.’ Yup, intelligence and common sense are two different things.  Hopefully we figure out which is which before it’s too late.”

Brain drain?

Brain drain?

In other news, Germany’s The Local reported last week that a German man has been found dead in a pornography video booth at a Bonn Beate Uhse sex shop. Apparently “plump boobs and hot thighs” were too much for the 54-year-old pornography customer’s heart, who died while watching porn in one of the video-booths at the sex-shop on Bischofsplatz. Though authorities suspect he died of a heart attack, the doctor on the scene could not determine the cause of death at the time, and the corpse was handed over to police. No word about the quality of the guy’s sperm or his intelligence, or whether he believed in continuous improvement or entropy, but no doubt about it, he’s one less male running with the herd.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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