Tag Archives: Russia

Russia goes Old-School Soviet, Rodents run Free at Wal-Mart, and Women Dump Pantyhose to Cool Legs

> Russia puts on Soviet-style Red Square show of might
> Woman sues Wal-Mart after Roaming Rat Panics her
> Summer Heats Up Women who Dump Pantyhose to Cool Down

Inebriated Press
May 14, 2009

Toe cleavage

Toe cleavage

Breitbart reported this week that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to act aggressive toward the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. And Associated Press reported last week that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store because a rat ran out from behind a rack as she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle, panicking her and causing her to injure herself.  She said employees knew it was in the store and had even named it Norman.  Meanwhile, Forbes reported this past Saturday that during the suffocating heat of summer, more and more women are tossing the pantyhose and stockings and going bare legged and with open-toe shoes.  Pundits are debating the risk and reward of a Soviet Union redux, rodents running wild and free in department stores, and whether toe cleavage is hot or cool.  

Someone named Hillary

Someone named Hillary

“There’s nothing inherently risky or especially rewarding from the Russians behaving like the old Soviets again, or rats roaming free around the ankles of women, or even legs that are nude and not poured into sausage tubes called hose.  Heck this stuff is all natural,” said Hillary Hafpint-Latex, a biped of questionable origin, but whose looks and intellect impress just the same.  “Putin is the old KGB chief and he’s been reassembling the old Soviet empire the best he can, he’s just doing more of the same.  It’s in his nature.  And rats roaming department stores isn’t anything different than when they roamed the fields in hunter-gatherer days, it’s just a different time.  And as far as women dumping hose for the summer, hey we were born with naked legs and you can’t get more natural than that.  The toe-cleavage thing is just some fetish.  I go toeless to let the air cool my feet, that’s it.  Now if you don’t mind, please stop sucking my toes.”

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

Not everyone sees it the way Hafpint-Latex does.  “The Soviets, I mean Russians want to be dangerous again and are arming Iran with nukes and being showy so they intimidate Obama and he starts apologizing about stuff for no reason, and then they can take the rest of Georgia and the Ukraine.  It must be stopped for the good of the former Soviet countries, which now have freedom.  And rats shouldn’t roam department stores, for crying out loud.  Get an exterminator, what kind of idiots are running that Wal-Mart,” asked Stacy Lacy-Piplate, a caterer whose looks enable her to keep food hot without the use of chafing dishes.  “As far as bare legs and toe-cleavage goes, if you’re in a professional office you probably need to wear pantyhose, or wear slacks if you don’t want hose.  Open toes you might risk depending on the culture there. It all seems kind of silly, but you go with what sells.  That’s why I do so many hot wings when I cater.  People like hot wings and naked legs.  If I have a lot of food to keep warm, sometimes I cater nude so I can keep the food hot without using electricity.  I don’t know if it really works, but I’ve never had any guys complain.”

SovietsBreitbart reported that Russia on Saturday sternly warned its foes not to dare attempt any aggression against the country, as it put on a Soviet-style show of military might in Red Square including nuclear capable missiles. The display to mark the 64th anniversary of the Soviet victory over Nazi Germany in World War II came amid renewed tensions with Georgia after NATO’s decision to hold war games in the Caucasus country infuriated Moscow. Russia’s war with Georgia in August over Georgian breakaway regions sent Moscow-NATO ties to their worst level since the Cold War and tensions have flared again over the alliance’s decision to go ahead with the exercises. Moscow, which remains at loggerheads with Georgia’s pro-Western President Mikheil Saakashvili, angrily condemned the war games that started this week as a provocation that risk stoking instability in the region.

Old School Soviet

Old School Soviet

Before handing over to Medvedev as president last year, Putin resurrected the Soviet practice — dropped after Communism — of having missiles and heavy tanks rumbling over the Red Square cobbles in front of Russia’s leaders. Thousands of soldiers and more than 100 items of hardware featured in the Red Square parade, which was matched by similar demonstrations across Russia involving almost 30,000 troops, officials said. There was a rare public showing for some of Russia’s best known missile systems, including the S-300 and S-400 anti-aircraft missiles, the short range Iskander-M and the medium-range Buk. Squadrons of fighter jets also flew over Red Square. The restoration of the heavy weaponry to the parade is a throwback to the days when reclusive Soviet leaders would observe the proceedings from the top of Lenin’s mausoleum on Red Square.

Rat-Mart?

Rat-Mart?

Associated Press reported that a Louisiana woman is suing a Wal-Mart store over what she claims was a much-too-close encounter of the furry kind. Rebecca White says in her lawsuit that employees at a Wal-Mart in Abbeville let a rat-tailed rodent known as a nutria run loose and scare her. She says that not only did employees know it was in their store, but gave it a pet name, Norman, and failed to warn shoppers. White says she was pushing a full shopping cart down an aisle in October when the nutria ran out from behind a rack. She says she pulled the cart backward in a panicked attempt to protect herself and hurt her back and foot. The local store referred all questions about Norman to the Bentonville, Ark.-headquarters of Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest retailer.

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Look'n fine, feel'n cool

Forbes reported that April L. Burke doesn’t think bare legs are unattractive — just unprofessional. So pantyhose are a must at her Washington, D.C., lobbying firm, Lewis-Burke Associates. In a conservative field dominated by big players, she tells her employees, it’s crucial to look put together from head to toe. Still, in her city’s suffocating summers, even Burke has trouble with stockings. Her solution as the mercury rises: “I wear slacks a lot,” she says. As the weather heats up, so inevitably does the annual office leg debate, in which women grapple with dictates that can seem designed to keep us as sweaty, uncomfortable and — many say — dowdy as possible. In traditional industries, rules about women’s summer legs and footwear, whether written or unwritten, can inspire fantasies of mutiny among interns and corner-office executives alike. In finance, law and other professions, even seemingly innocuous summer staples such as cropped pants and open-toe shoes can be verboten. But making our own decisions can be worse than a draconian list of don’ts. If your firm has no stance on hosiery but you don’t have Malibu Barbie legs, must you wear hose anyway? If you can show toe cleavage, should you? When does stylish cross the line into sexy? “The semiotics of uncovering or covering the leg are unresolved,” says Susan Scafidi, a visiting professor at Fordham Law School in New York City who teaches fashion law. “We’re beyond a glimpse of stocking being thought of as something shocking, but we’re not sure what we think when we see a glimpse of skin.”

Some people say that in the heat of summer, you should turn everything loose and live and let live.

Passing hooligan

Passing hooligan

“Hot steamy summer should drive hot steamy dressing and undressing, and clothing should be loose and billowy and sometimes not at all,” said a passing hooligan, who looked firm and muscular and in some places wore nothing at all.  “Do the toe cleavage and other cleavage and let imagination and passion slip around the corporate office driving up blood pressure like a fifth cup of coffee or the third Diet Coke.  Don’t think it’ll inhibit productivity, just the opposite.  The staff will run on adrenaline most of the day.  And you’ll have vendors in your office cutting deals like you’ve never seen.  In fact they’ll come back even when they don’t have to, just to ‘make sure everything’s okay’.  Relish it, use it, bite me.  I mean, it’ll work out.”
 

Beer can island boat

Beer can island boat

In other news, The Tampa Tribune reported last Saturday that fuel fumes built up inside a 33-foot Sea Ray cabin cruiser causing it to suddenly explode off Beer Can Island. Seven people, including a child, were injured. Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission Maj. Dennis Post said that a generator was in operation at the time, and he speculated that perhaps fumes from that built up in the bilge area. If the area is not properly ventilated, that could result in an explosion. The vessel was anchored properly about 100 feet from the shore of the island Beer Can Island, a popular destination for weekend boaters in Tampa Bay. The size of the boat and the way it was anchored suggested the boater was experienced, Post said.  No word on whether there were hot women on board who may have caused it to overheat, or if they had toe-cleavage that somehow shorted out some electrical wiring.  But at least they have a place with the great name “Beer Can Island”, so they’ve got that going for them.    

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Russia warns foes in Soviet-style show of might
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.2bd8acd3958f3504b0e198ea61d1c3d0.a1&show_article=1

Lawsuit: Big rodent runs free at Wal-Mart
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/hotstories/6413460.html

Should Women Bare Their Legs in the Office?
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=7541126&page=1

7 seriously injured on boat that exploded off Beer Can Island
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2009/may/09/092257/tampa-fire-rescue-responding-beer-can-island-boat-/news-breaking/

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Radioactive Chinese Balls; Russian Arctic Military Force; and, Drug Tests for Welfare Recipients

> Chinese Search for Missing Caesium-137 Ball
> Russia plans to create Arctic military force
> States consider drug tests for welfare recipients

Inebriated Press
April 1, 2009

Chinese BallBBC News reported last week that Chinese officials are hopeful that they’ve found a missing ball of deadly radioactive material that was lost when workers at a cement plant demolished an old factory. And Breitbart reported that Russia is planning to create a dedicated military force to protect its interests in the Arctic.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported that lawmakers in at least eight states want recipients of food stamps, unemployment benefits or welfare to submit to random drug testing.  Some unemployed pundits say rules on welfare should be relaxed, the U.S. should give Russia whatever they want, and at certain times each month their balls may be radioactive if not Chinese.

Harold, or a reasonable facsimile

Harold, or a reasonable facsimile

“I was up all night drinking and thinking about the need for Obama to enlarge the stimulus package so I can get plenty of cash and have my balls tested for radioactivity,” said Harold Izad-Azwipe, an occasional writer of irrelevance and intrigue, whose missive ‘Chinese Dogs and Barking Acrobats’ is required reading by the Russian Arctic Totalitarian Security Team (RATS-Team).  “You can’t be too careful about stuff like that, what with the Chinese losing their radioactive balls and Russians planning to conquer the Arctic.  And this crap about drug testing the unemployed just isn’t fair.  How we blow our welfare money is our own business.  Let the government control private sector salaries and bonuses and leave us government dependents alone.  We give the Obama administration power you know, the least they can do is let us blow taxpayer cash the way we feel like.”

Someone named Anne

Someone named Anne

Not everyone thinks like Izad-Azwipe.  “The Russians have no more claim on the Arctic than Canada or the U.S., and if the Chinese collect enough radioactive material and have the balls, they’ll take the Arctic and no one will be able to stop them,” said Anne Maine-Monolith, a restaurateur, provocateur and downright hot piece of womanhood.  “People had better watch those crazy Russians though; they’re always up to something.  I’m not sure if the Chinese have radioactive balls or not, but some of them walk kind of funny.  Maybe that’s just some drugs talking, good thing I run my own business and aren’t subject to drug tests.  Ha.”

BBC News reported last Friday that Chinese officials say that potentially deadly radioactive material lost in north-western Shaanxi province may have been found at a steel mill. Officials told the BBC that they had detected what may be the missing Caesium-137, adding that it may have been melted down. The Caesium-137, encased in lead, was lost this week when workers at a cement plant demolished an old factory. The material was part of a measuring instrument and is extremely dangerous. Caesium-137 is a radioactive isotope, formed mainly through nuclear fission. The smallest amount can cause infertility, cancer and even death. The BBC’s Quentin Sommerville in Beijing says China has an appalling record on industrial safety – there are around 30 cases of radioactive material being lost every year.

Russian SoldiersBreitbart reported Friday that Russia is planning to create a dedicated military force to help protect its interests in the disputed Arctic region. The presidential Security Council has released a document outlining government policy for the Arctic that includes creating a special group of military forces. The report was released this week and reported by Russian media on Friday. Russia, the United States, Canada and other northern countries are trying to assert jurisdiction over the Arctic. The dispute has intensified amid growing evidence that the shrinking polar ice is opening up new shipping lanes and allowing natural resources to be tapped.

Another gratuitous Anne pic

Another gratuitous Anne pic

Associated Press reported Thursday that Lawmakers in at least eight states want recipients of food stamps, unemployment benefits or welfare to submit to random drug testing. The effort comes as more Americans turn to these safety nets to ride out the recession. Poverty and civil liberties advocates fear the strategy could backfire, discouraging some people from seeking financial aid and making already desperate situations worse. Those in favor of the drug tests say they are motivated out of a concern for their constituents’ health and ability to put themselves on more solid financial footing once the economy rebounds. But proponents concede they also want to send a message: you don’t get something for nothing.

Nine out of ten Obama supporters say they want something for nothing, and most guys interviewed said they want chicks for free.

Russian chicks for free?

Russian chicks for free?

“I want something for nothing, chicks for free, and naturally for the government to pay for my MTV,” said Blu Dong-Wan, an unemployed half-wit that just missed being appointed U.S. Attorney General by President Obama, and would have been if he’d had more consonants in his name.  “The Russians can have the Arctic if they want it, and the Chinese can have as many balls between their legs as radioactivity will generate.  What do I care?  I’m part of the new America.  Give Barack a couple more years and everyone will be like me.  I’m the leading edge baby: the new citizen.”

Edd, the New Citizen

Edd, the New Citizen

In other news, Scripps Interactive reported Friday that a man accused of pouring chili on his girlfriend and ripping off her bra following an argument involving television watching is facing charges, according to a Martin County Florida Sheriff’s Office report released Friday. The 26-year-old victim told investigators her boyfriend, with whom she has two children and is nine weeks pregnant, came home Thursday evening and wanted to watch TV in their bedroom. She asked him to watch TV in the other room.  At that point, “Edd … grabbed at (the victim’s) bra which tore off of her,” the report states. “Edd then poured … chili … on (the victim)”.  No word on how Edd feels about the Russians or Chinese, but he probably believes he’s on America’s leading edge: the new citizen.  God help us all.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Chinese ‘find’ radioactive ball
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7967285.stm
 
Russia plans to create Arctic military force
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D976C8E01&show_article=1

States consider drug tests for welfare recipients
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/STATES_WELFARE_WITH_STRINGS?SITE=WBBMAM&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Stuart man accused of pouring chili on girlfriend during argument
http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2009/mar/27/stuart-man-accused-pouring-chili-girlfriend-during/

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Filed under Humor, IP News

How the Kremlin caved in over girl’s guinea pig

by AIDAN RADNEDGE
Metro – UK
February 9, 2009

Russian Guinea Pig

Russian Guinea Pig

Pigs were used by George Orwell to satirise Stalin’s Soviet state in Animal Farm – but guinea pigs are just as controversial in modern Russia.

A 13-year-old girl has felt the wrath of the Kremlin for having the audacity to ask the Russian president for a new pet. Nastya Ivliyeva wrote to Dmitry Medvedev’s website asking for a guinea pig to go with her existing one.

As soon as local officials found out about the request they went to the girl’s school where she was called to the headmaster’s office and ticked off so badly that she burst into tears.

Want to be this girls guinea pig?

Want to be this girls guinea pig?

They then summoned Nastya’s parents to condemn them for bringing up a brazen child who would waste the president’s time on such trifling matters. Nastya was even forced to write a letter retracting her request.

But attitudes shifted when her parents complained to the president about the officials’ behaviour and a newspaper publicised the plight of the girl from Kalitvensky in southern Russia.

The next day, officials called again – but this time to hand over two guinea pigs and a cage.

The episode marked a ‘complete failure by the authorities to understand real people and their problems’, said youth committee leader Sergei Chyuev.

Last year, Siberian girl Dasha Varfolomeeva, nine, used a TV show to ask leader Vladimir Putin for a dress and a trip to Moscow. She got both.

metro.co.uk

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