Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

Coca-Cola drops Sex ad, Condi Rice kicks Ass, and Tricks of the Vegas Sex Trade

> Coke ‘cans’ ad suggesting women should always be open for sex
> Condoleezza Rice knocks back ‘torture’ ambush
> Success in Sex Club biz: anything goes

Inebriated Press
May 7, 2009

Condoleezza attitudeAustralia’s Daily Telegraph reported this week that Coca-Cola has been forced to can a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. And the U.K. Telegraph reported Saturday that Condoleezza Rice defended the Bush administration actions that a group of Stanford students called torture, when they ambushed her recently. Said Rice: “If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people, then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”  Meanwhile, an investigative reporter for KLAS-TV Las Vegas reported last week that the secret to sex clubs success, is that they offer nearly anything you want, with anyone who’s willing.  Pundits are wrestling over ideas of whether women should always be available for sex in Las Vegas, or everywhere Coke is sold, and whether Condi Rice should be the current U.S. president.

Someone named Tony

Someone named Tony

“Condi Rice should be president and Sarah Palin the vice president right now. We’d have common sense, governing experience, and two hot women who don’t take shit from anybody running the country; and have something going for us, instead of this see-a-problem-throw-money-at-it, and see-an-enemy-kiss-their-ass bullshit,” said Tony Krushim-Twice, a small business owner who doubles as a bouncer down at the Dance -n- Jerk Lounge and Weight Lifting Club.  “As far as women being available for sex, that’s their business.  They want to sell it in Vegas or give it away wherever Coca-Cola is sold, that’s up to them.  It’s about personal freedom and individual rights.  I hate all of Obama’s nanny-state crap where federal bureaucrats and politicians are supposed to know better than we are, and they take over half of our income to give to other people and then tell us how to live, because they supposedly know better.  That’s bull.  Condi and Sarah wouldn’t take that crap, or try to pass it off as ‘hope and change’ when its totalitarianism dressed up in socialists clothing.  We should ride Obama and his minions out of D.C. on a rail.  I’m a free man.  That’s what the founders of America had in mind.  That’s what we’ve got to get back to in America.  Damn straight.”

Someone named Susan

Someone named Susan

Not everyone agrees with Krushim-Twice.  “The liberal government knows better than regular Americans do, and should be telling us what we can and can’t do, and how much money we get to keep from our paychecks and how much should be spread around by helpful bureaucrats and Democrats.  No one has a right to freedom, or the money they earn, or where and if they live, only the State can grant that,” said Susan Nayzil-Squez, a terrorist sympathizer who currently advises the U.S. Department of Defense when she’s not protesting against American’s right to bear arms.  “If the State says women should be available for sex then they should be available for sex.  If the State says Coca-Cola has to pay U.S. taxes in addition to foreign taxes on all the money they earn outside of the U.S. then they have to pay them.  It’s not about whether U.S. companies survive or leave the U.S. entirely due to the tax structures that the Obama administration is rolling out, it’s about fairness as defined by those in power.  And Obama is the State today, and the State is power, so he’ll tell you what ‘fair’ is.  It’s not complicated.  Authoritarianism has been around for centuries, just not in America.  You’ll get used to it.  Just do whatever Barack says, and you’ll be fine.  If you won’t, well, then expect to be marginalized, taxed out of business, and basically destroyed.  You don’t want that, so just play along.  That’s how these regimes work.  American’s are kind of slow to figure this out, but they’ll fall in line after a few hard knocks.”

Hot CokeThe Daily Telegraph reported that Coca-Cola has been forced to stop running a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. The Advertising Standards Bureau found the advertisement, though light-hearted, was inappropriate to be on TV when children were watching. In the ad a “hero” man who is breaking up with his girlfriend at a roadside cafe is suddenly surrounded by pole dancers. His dumped girlfriend acknowledges the man doesn’t want to be with just one woman, then offers: “Just call me when you want to have fun”. A series of complaints to the advertising watchdog argued the ad degraded women and promoted casual sex for men. The board noted the ad suggested “men should have multiple partners and that women should make themselves available for sex or ‘fun’ whenever the man wants.” “We certainly did not mean to cause offence,” Coke said in a statement to the bureau.

Condi is for real; picture is faked

Condi is for real; picture is faked

The Telegraph reported that Condoleezza Rice behaved magnificently while being ambushed by left-liberal students at Stanford University with a series of “difficult” questions about torture, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and US foreign policy under George W Bush. The article said her coolness under fire is magnificent, but more impressive still is her refusal to duck the issues. “Sorry we have to leave”, an official can be heard saying off camera, but Condi isn’t going to take the easy way out: she wants to stand up for her principles and put the pantywaists in their place. “Let me tell you something: unless you were there in a position of responsibility after September 11 you cannot possibly imagine the dilemmas that we faced in trying to protect Americans,” she says.

Rice went on: “A lot of people are second guessing now but let me tell you the second guessing that would have hurt me more is if there had been 3,000 more Americans dying because we didn’t do everything we could to protect them. If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”

Condi is similarly robust when rebutting the suggestion that the US has no place dealing with regimes like Saudi Arabia: “You don’t have the luxury in foreign policy of not dealing with a country because you don’t like its human rights practices.” And she is quite withering when the pallid leftie student tries having a go at her about supposed torture at Guantanamo. “Did you know that Guantanamo was called a ‘model medium security prison’ by representatives of the Organization of Security and Cooperation in Europe?” The student reluctantly concedes he hasn’t. “Maybe before you make allegations about Guantanamo, you should READ,” says Condi, with exquisitely measured scorn.  The Telegraph writer said Condi Rice is the “person of color” America really needs in charge right now.

kinky sex clubKLAS-TV Las Vegas reported that sex clubs offer nearly anything you want with anyone who’s willing. They operate in a world of loose regulation, weak enforcement and an anything goes attitude. Technically they are illegal. From wife-swapping to whips and chains, it’s yours if you want it. There is a huge market for clubs that offer every fantasy imaginable for just an entrance fee. County code says that won’t fly. So, why hasn’t there been a crackdown? The answer is more complicated than you’ve heard before. It’s where money, power and sex all come together.

“From bondage, to transgender to Bi to whatever else, we’re the ‘everybody else’ club,” said Mike Powers, the owner and operator of Power Exchange, the newest sex club in Las Vegas. “It’s part of an open-minded alternative aspect of society. It’s like the Elks Club or the Lions, kind of club for extreme interests, perverse interests or bizarre interests.” Clark County code calls sex clubs a “public nuisance.” It defines them as places for “adult social sexual encounters”, where patrons can “voluntarily engage in and/or view” live sex. So, if the county prohibits it, how do the clubs stay in business? The issue is money. Powers brings money into the economy. Powers thinks the county looks the other way because of the taxes and attention he brings to Las Vegas. No one from Clark County or the commissioners wanted to go on camera for the story. They tell Eyewitness News they stand by the ordinance.

Some people say that rule of law is only as strong as its enforcement, and that freedom and democracy is only as strong as its defenders.

Someone named Lynn

Someone named Lynn

“If you can break the law and get away with it, what good is law?  If you say you have individual freedom but the State runs your life, confiscates your financial property through taxation and tells you what doctor you can see and who you can’t, takes ownership of auto companies, insurance companies and financial firms, then dictates executive salaries and so forth, what freedom do you really have,” asked Lynn Browne-Sugare, a bastion of female genius tucked subtly inside a sweet package and sprinkled with common sense.  “Power is at the center of every government and its decisions.  Any time the government increases taxes they take your freedom to spend where you want, on what you want, and where you want, and replace it with a politician’s or bureaucrat’s vision of ‘what’s best’.  Little by little your freedom erodes until all that’s left is the idea, not the reality.  If you won’t stand up for personal freedom and individual rights, the government sure as hell won’t do it for you.  The government will do it to you. What starts as statism, with the government growing in size, scope and power, gradually becomes socialism, then totalitarianism.  Maybe even dictatorship.  Call it what you want, you lose freedom every time the government makes another decision for you, takes another dime from your pocket, ‘helps’ you do what you should be doing for yourself.  Pull your heads out of your collective asses, Americans.  Your freedom is being usurped even as you read this.  Only you can stop it.”

Orwell's 1984In other news, The Boston Globe reported yesterday that MoveOn.org is funding ad’s backing Obama’s push for nationalized healthcare while marginalizing private insurance companies who believe that they can’t compete with taxpayer funded government health insurance. In the ad, two men complain about the public plan option. “It’ll be a disaster for us,” one says.  The second says, “A public healthcare plan means affordable healthcare for everyone. You know what that means. ” The first answers, “Healthy people living longer.”  No word on why you’ll be healthier and live longer if you give control of your healthcare to politicians and bureaucrats who have mismanaged Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and virtually all health and retirement related funding in the U.S. But then maybe we’ve forgotten that it’s all about power.  And the less power you have, the better the government will be able to ‘help’ you.  After all, in the Land of Hope and Change, we are no longer endowed by our Creator with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Only the State can grant those.  Anyone who questions this is on Homeland Security’s terrorist watch list.  And the sad thing is, I’m not making that shit up.  Homeland Security came out and said so.  This isn’t 2008 anymore.  This is 2009’s developing version of Orwell’s 1984.
 
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Coca-Cola forced to can ad over woman available for sex
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25422198-5006007,00.html

Coca-Cola’s pulled ad:

Condi Rice sticks it to the Stanford bleeding hearts
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/james_delingpole/blog/2009/05/02/condi_rice_sticks_it_to_the_stanford_bleeding_hearts

Condi kicks ass, YouTube clip:

I-Team: Tricks of the Trade in Las Vegas Sex Clubs
http://www.klas-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10275829&nav=menu102_2

Ad spoofs funeral directors on Obama health plan
http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2009/05/ad_spoofs_funer.html

moveon.org ad:

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Obama, Pelosi, Clinton in Secret Kitten Club

> Powerful Kittenati Society Revealed
> Select group of powerful female politicos

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 23, 2009

Power poltics
Power poltics

Inebriated Reporters Special Investigation Team (IRSIT) has uncovered a secret society for “politico women” whose members include Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi as primary leaders.  After paying off and sleeping with a number of highly connected officials over a period of several months, members if IRSIT have declared that the Kittenati Society is real, well connected, and despite a seemingly irrational penchant for holding meetings in the nude, a basic underground society designed to wield power in politics and society.

"Hanna"
“Hanna”

“It’s all about a new world order run by leftist women with a global outreach, secret knowledge about manipulation and exploitation of personal and corporate weakness, and a desire to ultimately hold public meetings in the nude,” said Hanna Playstation-Hydrolic, a well designed and powerful writer and part-time Hooters gal, who sometimes thinks like a video game but lifts weights like a cast iron machine.  “I had to sleep with several men and women to get this information and while I tend to be straight in my thinking and physical experimentation, the whole investigative process was kind of a rush.  Anyway, Michelle Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton are heading up the Kittenati Society, and when they have complete global control they’ll announce it at a press conference in the nude — which is the ultimate expression of power.”

Someone named Martha
Someone named Martha

Not everyone believes that the Kittenati Society exists or that leftist women want to wield power while not wearing clothing.  “The idea that Nancy Pelosi wants to rule the world naked is pretty crazy stuff, not the rule-the-world part, but her displaying saggy boobs to the masses and then trying to get them to do whatever she commands,” said Martha Laye-Mee, a cutting edge political analyst often confused with a porn star because of her last name.  “Michelle Obama is always running around sleeveless and kind of flaunts her body, so that kind of makes sense for her, and Hillary had that topless bust made of herself so I guess it fits her style.  Come to think of it, Pelosi is so arrogant that to make someone do her bidding while standing over them nude with her jugs at knee level would be a real power trip.  Maybe the Kittenati nudity angle isn’t so crazy after all.”

Insiders say some of the Kittenati activities include courses in world domination while wearing leather, how to exploit a male presidents sexual weakness so they’ll let you meet with government agencies that as first lady you normally couldn’t do, and how to cross your legs when meeting nude with other countries leaders so you only display the parts you want to.  Some connected officials say that consideration was made to allow Sarah Palin to join because she is attractive and politically connected, but she was excluded because her politics would have taken the group toward the conservative right. 

Sexual politics?
Sexual politics?

“Palin has a hot body and would have been able to control half of the world’s population on her own while governing in the nude, but she may have taken too much power from the left,” said a semi-clothed Kittenati member who refused to be identified, but who has lightening bolts tattooed around her left nipple and other  physical locations.  “The right is going to have to come up with their own secret society if they want to get conservative women running the world while going nude.  We leftists have our own thing going.”

The real puppet master
The real puppet master

U.S. political organizations, White House officials and government agencies all deny that the Kittenati Society exists.  “The idea is beyond absurd,” said Obama’s chief of staff Rahm Emanuel.  “We only take our orders from George Soros. God help us if he decides to start issuing them in the nude.  I’m creeped out just thinking about it, and there’s not much that creeps me out.  Holy shit.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Barely related documentation:

Secret society
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_society

Open Society Institute and Soros Foundations Network
http://www.soros.org/

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SUV’s Running on Human Fat, Brains With Implanted Sex-Chips, and Viagra Enhanced Trees

Inebriated Press
December 29, 2008

Mr Chip Implant

Mr Chip Implant

Forbes reported last week that a Beverly Hills doctor is converting the liposuctioned fat he removes from his patients into bio-fuel for his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. And News-Australia reported last week that scientists are working on an implantable electronic “sex chip” that stimulates pleasure centres in the brain.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported that researchers have found a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree.  Inebriated reporters say the new Obama Administration is planning to incorporate these developments into upcoming environmental and healthcare plans.

Lipo

Lipo

“One of our first initiatives will be to help obese Americans loose weight and improve their health as well as help our environment, by providing government funded liposuction for all over-weight citizens, and then converting their fat into fuel for our cars and trucks,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, as he sat polishing the sole of his shoe with the soul of a Republican.  “This initiative will be a multiple win as citizens get healthier from the weight loss, we reduce demand for foreign oil by burning the renewable fuel derived from millions of obese Americans, plus we get the added benefit of creating thousands of new lipo-sucking jobs in cities all across the country. And once we put sex-pleasure brain implants into all Americans of voting age that are triggered by president Obama’s voice, he’ll rule the country until the day he dies, and that will ensure that we’ll be able to put all of our important initiatives in place.  Its change we can all believe in and quiver with joy and newfound thinness about.  You can’t beat it.”

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

Not everyone agrees with Emanuel.  “Building America’s future energy dependence on the waists and thighs of Americans may seem like a good idea at first glance, but in reality, it will cost too much to refine the body fat into fuel in volumes enough to power our nation’s transportation system,” said Governor Sarah Palin, a grass-roots common-sense styled Republican who is naturally out of favor with liberals and Democrat and Republican elites and most other people who want government that isn’t of the people, by the people or for the people. “Renewable fuel has its place and so does Viagra, as do brain implants that treat symptoms like Parkinson’s disease. But we need to be careful when sticking electrodes into our heads for stimulating pleasure or erectile drugs into growing trees.  Some unnatural things can be harmful — like claiming that creating bigger government by hiring more people is a beneficial jobs program.  Eventually someone — usually the taxpayers — have to pay for it.  And that hurts the economy because they’re the only people creating real value as derived from the marketplace.  We better think hard about this stuff and not just do it because it sounds cool and then hope for the best.”

Ford SUV

Ford SUV

Forbes reported that liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them. For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

081230-brain-implantsAustralia’s News.com.au reported that scientists are working on an electronic “sex chip” that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. Stimulating this area can produce pleasure. Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters. 

Spruce

Spruce

The Local reported that Swedish researchers have found that a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs. Forestry professor Torgny Näsholm then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects. Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees. In essence it boosted the tree roots’ “virility.”

Some people say that virility and not body fat or brain implants are the key to the future. 

081230_kathy_ireland“Anything can be artificially enhanced by adding stimulants, or chemicals, or by chopping off stuff we don’t want — like fatty deposits.  But if you aren’t naturally virile as the result of diet and exercise and have usable energy sources like oil, coal and gas deposits in addition to renewable fuels, all you have is fake health and fake energy security,” said Kathy Irelandski, a philosophy major and northern European babe whose natural resources are lusted after by men everywhere.  “A healthy society and healthy economy require hard work, strong character, personal responsibility and strong adherence to common sense and practicality.  Bailouts, handouts and citizens and companies who all think they’re victims and need the government to provide for them, represents a country in decline.  America was built by people who came to this continent to take risks and build a future based on freedom and opportunity.  Western European welfare and tolerance for radical Muslims is not what made this country great for two hundred years and it won’t make us great in the future.  We the people had better pull our collective heads out of our asses, roll up our sleeves, and go to work and fix this America ourselves.  No government has ever fixed anything.”

Taser

Taser

In other news, Florida Freedom Newspapers reported last week that a Beach police officer tased a naked woman after responding to a complaint of a disturbance along Front Beach Road on Saturday. Just after midnight Saturday morning, a Bay County Sheriff’s deputy responding to a complaint of a verbal disturbance saw a woman leaving an apartment wearing no clothes. She started walking toward him, and he told her to stop. The woman kept approaching the officer, according to the report, which says the officer then “deployed his taser into” the woman. The report says the woman “remained on the front porch without further incident” once she had been tased. No word on why the woman did what she did or whether she had brain sex-pleasure implants or fuel laden hips, but she was apparently plenty virile.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Fill ‘Er Up With Human Fat
http://www.forbes.com/technology/2008/12/21/fat-fuel-biodiesel-tech-sciences-cz_pcb_1222fatfuel.html?feed=rss_technology

‘Sex chip’ will have us wired, Oxford University researcher Morten Kringelbach says
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24832642-36398,00.html

Erectile aid found to enhance spruce tree roots
http://www.thelocal.se/16490/

Naked woman tased by police officer
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_13677___article.html/officer_beach.html

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Out of Hiding: JFK Endorses McCain

President Kennedy Living on Island with Marilyn Monroe
Former Leader Pissed at Global Trends and U.S. Shift to Left

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
October 28, 2008

In a stunning revelation on Bahamas television this morning, President John F. Kennedy issued his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain.  Kennedy, widely believed to have been assassinated in Dallas on November 22, 1963, said the murder was faked so he and Marilyn Monroe could enjoy life together on a deserted island.  The former president said that current global trends and this years blatant adoption of socialism by the Democrat Party, caused him to come out of hiding so he could tell American’s it is time they pull their “collective heads out of their collective asses” and start thinking straight.

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

Wake up you idiots, says JFK

“I’m calling on all U.S. citizens who value peace, freedom and the American way of life, to support the only presidential candidate who has a pro-American platform by voting for Senator John McCain,” said the 91-year-old former president, looking tanned and relaxed after 45 years of islander living.  “Marilyn and I went through great lengths to fake our deaths and hide out on a comfy island in the pacific, and I’d still be there enjoying the sun and living in ignorance if not for DirecTV and Fox News.  I’m so pissed about the idiots running the U.S. Congress and running as Democrats for high office that I had to come out and say something.  Today’s Republicans are like liberal Democrats from my day, and today’s Democrats are like old-school socialist-Marxists.  Holy shit people, haven’t you been paying attention to what happens when you get socialist-Marxist government?  Don’t you understand that when you people invoke ‘JFK’ and talk about my politics that you’re talking about a strong defense and moderate economic stimulus?  It was Johnson who did all the ‘Great Society’ crap that cost millions, not me.  I’m sick of having my initials dragged around like I was some commie.  I stared down those bastards during the Cuban missile crisis.  Now the guy you call a Democrat says he’s willing to sit down unconditionally with leaders of terrorist states?  Wake up you crazy bastards!  If you keep going the direction you’re going, you’re going to wind up where you’re headed.”

Islanders out of hiding.

Islanders out of hiding.

Not everyone believes the speaker was really JFK.  “Oswald blew JFK’s brains all over the limo seat on November 22nd in Dallas, and there’s no way he’s chatting about how crazy senator Obama’s socialist governing plans are,” said an Obama for President spokesperson, who refused to give their name or current gender.  “If it actually was Kennedy, he wouldn’t have any brains to think with, and I believe you can tell from the statements the guy made, that the comments were pretty senseless.  Anyone claiming to be a Democrat and says he watches Fox News is a liar.  Everyone knows that NBC is the Democrat network and the only place to get proper Obamaesque talking points and dialectical arguments.  Anyway, the whole notion that JFK’s politics are pertinent to this century is laughable. Nobody cares how high their taxes go or worries about defending America from its enemies.  That stuff is behind us now. Everyone wants change.”

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Gratuitous Picture of Island Girl

Pundits have been debating whether Senator Barack Obama’s proposed income redistribution plans and intention to cut funding to new defense platforms is the best way to strengthen and protect the United States.  Some argue that the plans reflect Obama’s anti-American circle of friends and associates, and believe it to be a bad thing, while others say it’s necessary to enable fundamental change to occur. 

“You can’t say you’ll change things and then stick with fundamental American economics, a pro-military defense posture or the original U.S. Constitution.  Nope, in order to make real change you have to slash the military, take money from citizens who have it and give it to others, and reinterpret the Constitution.  That’s real change,” said Flower Power, an aging 1960’s radical, currently in line for appointment by Obama to head either the U.S. Department of Defense or the U.S. Treasury.  “When Barack says he’ll change America, he means it.  Damn straight. That’s why people support him.”

Wikipedia says John Fitzgerald “Jack” Kennedy, often referred to by his initials JFK, was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in 1963. After Kennedy’s military service as commander of the Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 during World War II in the South Pacific, his aspirations turned political, with the encouragement and grooming of his father, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. Kennedy represented the state of Massachusetts in the U.S. House of Representatives from 1947 to 1953 as a Democrat, and in the U.S. Senate from 1953 until 1960. Kennedy defeated then Vice President and Republican candidate Richard Nixon in the 1960 U.S. presidential election, one of the closest in American history.

The Cuban Missile Crisis began on October 14, 1962, when American U-2 spy planes took photographs of a Soviet intermediate-range ballistic missile site under construction in Cuba. The photos were shown to Kennedy on October 16, 1962. America would soon be posed with a serious nuclear threat. Kennedy faced a dilemma: if the U.S. attacked the sites, it might lead to nuclear war with the U.S.S.R., but if the U.S. did nothing, it would endure the threat of nuclear weapons being launched from close range. Because the weapons were in such proximity, the U.S. might have been unable to retaliate if they were launched pre-emptively. Another consideration was that the U.S. would appear to the world as weak in its own hemisphere.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

This is why Kennedy left politics for island living.

Many military officials and cabinet members pressed for an air assault on the missile sites, but Kennedy ordered a naval quarantine in which the U.S. Navy inspected all ships arriving in Cuba. He began negotiations with the Soviets and ordered the Soviets to remove all defensive material that was being built on Cuba. Without doing so, the Soviet and Cuban peoples would face naval quarantine. A week later, he and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev reached an agreement. Khrushchev agreed to remove the missiles subject to U.N. inspections if the U.S. publicly promised never to invade Cuba and quietly removed US missiles stationed in Turkey. Following this crisis, which brought the world closer to nuclear war than at any point before or since, Kennedy was more cautious in confronting the Soviet Union.

Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963, in Dallas, Texas. Lee Harvey Oswald was charged with the crime and was murdered two days later by Jack Ruby before he could be put on trial. The Warren Commission concluded that Oswald had acted alone in killing the president; however, the House Select Committee on Assassinations declared in 1979 that there was more likely a conspiracy that included Oswald. The entire subject remains controversial, with multiple theories about the assassination still being debated.

In other news, Gallup reported Sunday that likely voter estimates continue to show Barack Obama with a significant lead over John McCain. The traditional model estimates Obama with a 50% to 45% advantage in Oct. 23-25 polling, and the expanded model has Obama leading by 52% to 43%. Reportedly American’s are so tired of the poor performance of the Democrat Congress that they intend to give them a filibuster-proof majority so they can do whatever they want thus assuring that real change of some kind will occur; and with gas prices falling and the war in Iraq under control, voters figure a Democrat president with dictatorial powers and a socialist vision is just what the country needs to become something else.  No word on how fast the real JFK is spinning in his grave, but word out of Virginia is that strong earth vibrations in Arlington National Cemetery can now be measured on the Richter scale — for the first time in history.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Virtual Wife Nags as Virtual Husband Killed, Actual Iran Backs Obama

Japanese weight loss service provides nagging virtual wife
Woman arrested for hacking online game to kill virtual husband
Iran announces support for Barack Obama presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 27, 2008

Gizmodo reported last week that a new Japanese service provides a virtual wife that emails you each day, and nags you to stick to your weight loss plan. And Wired reported last week that a 43-year-old woman has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into an online game where she killed her once-virtual husband. Meanwhile, Y-Netnews reported last week that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year because he’s “more rational”. Pundits debate the benefits of fake reality and Iran’s definition of “rational.”

“I have to believe that the rantings of Iranian President Ahmadinejad about wiping Israel off the face of the earth, and his claims that the Jewish Holocaust never happened, are part of the Iranian definition of ‘rational’; and since these guys think Obama would be the best president for the U.S. because he has the same kind of ‘rational’ they have, I’m voting for McCain on that basis alone,” said Sane Persson, a regular American taxpayer clinging to god and guns while praying for the return of common sense to U.S. government. “I mean, let’s think about this for a second. The people who hate us the most are calling a first term junior senator with zero foreign policy experience the guy who should be running our country. If we miss the real meaning behind that statement, all we’ll have left is a virtual hope for a saving change. Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

Not everyone agrees with Sane Persson. “It’s important that the U.S. elects someone who will engage with terrorists and America-hating leaders in order to learn what they want us to change into so they’ll like us better, and Obama’s the man because he gets along fine with America-haters in this country — Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan — and a host of others,” said Dimm Bulbb, an unemployed Democrat with a journalism degree, who looks to make out big in an Obama presidency and finally move out of his parents basement. “John McCain can’t do it because he doesn’t get along with people who oppress others; his stint in Vietnam proves that. He could have given in and went along with his captors but he refused. And his running mate Sarah Palin, she can’t do it, because she reformed her own Party in Alaska, cut government expenses and taxes, while increasing state oil revenues by negotiating with the big oil companies. She’d never bend to the will of OPEC or let pork-barrel spending go on unabated. Nope, McCain and Palin are not suited for D.C. Barack is our man, and with Biden routinely predicting future disasters ahead of time, we’ll always be able to see terrible shit coming. In fact a Democrat White House plus both Houses of Congress guarantees it. I’m feeling more confident in the future all the time!”

Y-Netnews reported that Iranian parliament Speaker Ali Larijani said Wednesday that Iran would prefer Democrat Barack Obama in the White House next year. “We are leaning more in favor of Barack Obama because he is more flexible and rational, even though we know American policy will not change that much,” Larijani said at a press conference during a visit to Bahrain. Larijani, a leading figure in the conservative camp in Iran, also said the United States was too busy dealing with the global financial crisis to consider waging an attack on Iran. “The risk was low before,” he said. “But now I am 100% certain that the United States will not unleash a war against Iran. The economic crisis has cost the United States $1.4 trillion and Washington is working to resolve its internal problems and not a war.”

Gizmodo reported that lonely Japanese fatties now have a new way to make themselves lose weight: a virtual nagging wife. Metaboinfo.com allows you to set up a weight loss plan, then assign one of four “wives” (aid, businesswoman, nurse or salon worker) to email you on a daily basis. Depending on whether you’re ahead or behind the curve, you’ll get nice or super annoying email customized for your current status. This reminds us a lot of the Japanese DVD that teaches you confidence by having women stare at you for an hour and a half. Oh, Japan!

Wired reported that a 43-year-old Japanese woman, angry over a sudden divorce in the virtual online game Maple Story, has been arrested on suspicion of hacking into the game where she killed her once-virtual husband, authorities said. Authorities said the Miyazaki woman illegally accessed the game with a password she hijacked from a colleague. That made it appear as if her coworker committed the online murder. According to The Associated Press, the woman told police: “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry.” The hacking allegation carries a maximum five-year prison term. Some people say that the woman — as well as Al Qaeda, Hamas, Iran, North Korea and Russia — are only bad in a virtual way, and are not dangerous in reality.

“The idea that there are any really bad people, organizations or countries is just a virtual concept being purported by those who want military money to spend on gadgets and gizmos and want American’s to be placated and docile and do whatever they’re told,” said someone claiming to be Michael Moore, a movie maker and secret MENSA member, whose giant brain is housed in a giant body and is mostly intellectual blubber. “The day America completely adopts a socialist system with Cuban healthcare, Venezuelan management-style and Russian-Iranian attitudes about freedom, is the day Utopia comes to set us free. Now if I could get that damn nagging virtual wife to get off my ass about my weight I’d really be happy about how things are going. If she keeps this up I may have to get that Palin email hacker to take the bitch out.”

In other news, WTAE Pittsburg reported that two men stole a purse from an unlocked car in Westmoreland County and went on a shopping spree at a porn store. The article said that after taking the purse the suspects entered the Novelties and Gifts Adult Book Store on Route 22 near Blairsville, Indiana County, where police say they purchased about $200 worth of pornographic materials using one of the stolen credit cards. No word on whether the thieves like real or virtual sex, but if Obama gets his way crime will almost certainly go down, because he’ll give these guys your money to buy porn with. Peace and happiness isn’t just for the Iranians anymore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Bin Laden Likes Hugs, Chemicals Erase Memories and The Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll Arrives

Camp-mate Says al-Qaeda Leader Likes Hugs, Not Kisses
Researchers Find Chemical That Erases Selective Memories
The New Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll by Topco

Inebriated Press
October 24, 2008

The Association of American Publishers (AAP), reported Wednesday that an Australian man currently on trial for receiving funds from al Qaeda, said that at an Afghan training camp where he met Osama bin Laden in 2001, the terrorist was polite and shy, he liked hugs but wasn’t fond of kissing. And Gizmodo reported Wednesday that researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories. Meanwhile, Topco Sales announced it’s newest product: the Sarah Palin Blow-up Doll. Pundits debate the benefits of hugging a real terrorist or fake woman, while some just want to forget everything and move on.

Sarah Palin, or not.

Sarah Palin, or not.

“The world has become a tabloid theme-park where ‘surreal’ is as natural as dirt, rocks and Democratic tax hikes,” said Babs Masterson, a western gal who wears a Colt 45, drinks Colt 45 and dates a guy named Colt who just turned 45. “Nothing is surprising anymore except surprise itself. Whatever that means. Listen, things have become so whacked up in America that somebody told me the other day that a junior Senator with no experience may be elected the president. I think they’re full of shit; no way people are that crazy. Still, the trends point to consistent weirdness punctuated by moments of real stupidity. I’m going to find the chemical that erases memories. Colt 45 does pretty good on the short term stuff, but I may have to block out the next four years altogether.”

Not everyone sees it the way Masterson does. “It’s comforting to know that bin Laden likes hugs and that I can order a blow-up doll of Sarah Palin to snuggle with,” said someone claiming to be Senate majority leader Harry Reid, as he sat contemplating the use of mind altering chemicals to make Americans forget Democrat tax relief promises, Barack Obama’s anti-American friends and Nancy Pelosi’s latest face-lift. “Anybody who likes hugs can’t be all bad, and when Barack sits down with bin Laden and Iran’s Ahmadinejad and chats about his plans to change America, I’ll bet they’ll be hugging and singing together like they were at a slumber party. Speaking of slumber parties, boy oh boy that Palin is one hot babe. I’m ordering a couple of those blow-up dolls so I’ll have extra. Bill Clinton asked me to get a couple for him too but not say anything to Hillary. She’d be pissed. But so what, she’s always pissed.”

AAP reported that Jack Thomas, a 35-year-old Melbourne man was at an old military camp in Afghanistan, where he got close enough to bin Laden to observe that the al-Qaeda leader was polite and shy, didn’t mind a hug, but wasn’t so fond of kissing. Thomas, from Werribee, Australia is standing trial for receiving funds from al-Qaeda and possessing a falsified passport. “He was definitely well loved,” Thomas said of Bin laden in an interview with Australian TV network ABC which was played in court last week. “(He) was very polite and humble and shy. He didn’t like too many kisses. He didn’t mind being hugged, but kisses he didn’t like.”

Huggable?

Huggable?

The report said the former Melbourne taxi driver revealed the insights into the goings-on at the al-Farouk camp, an al-Qaeda training base in Afghanistan before the September 11 attacks, in two interviews for the ABC current affairs programme Four Corners. In the interview, the Muslim convert said at the camp he felt “like a king, Robin Hood, as part of a band of merry men”.

Gizmodo reported that eerily similar to the memory-erasing concepts in the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, researchers have found a chemical that has proven to target and erase specific long-term memories, which could be useful in treating people with severe phobias or post-traumatic stress disorders. However, although these tests have been producing amazing results in mice brains, human memories are so much more complex that it could still be a while before you can forget that time you pissed your pants while giving your Abraham Lincoln presentation in the second grade, and Helen Vanderly, the cutest girl at school, pointed and laughed at you.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Erasable mind, forgotten promises.

Technology Review said that for more than two decades, researchers have been studying the chemical–a protein called alpha-CaM kinase II–for its role in learning and memory consolidation. To better understand the protein, a few years ago, Joe Tsien, a neurobiologist at the Medical College of Georgia, in Augusta created a mouse in which he could activate or inhibit sensitivity to alpha-CaM kinase II. Tsien found that when the mice recalled long-term memories while the protein was overexpressed in their brains, the combination appeared to selectively delete those memories. “One thing that we’re really intrigued by is that this is a selective erasure,” Tsien says. “We know that erasure occurred very quickly, and was initiated by the recall itself.” Some people say memories of the past are the keys to the future.

“I remember when Reagan told the Ruskies to tear down the Berlin wall, and initiated the so called ‘Star Wars program’, and the Democrats called him a warmonger and a danger to the world; but the wall came down and the USSR collapsed,” said Clint Freman, a regular guy with no distinguishing features other than a few scars from Nam, who works hard to support his family, pay his taxes and occasionally grapples to control his pro-American tendencies. “I also remember Bill Clinton promising tax relief as a candidate and hiking taxes as president, and Jimmy Carter flummoxed on Iran and Reagan the candidate telling the Iranians to straighten up or there’d be hell to pay when he took office – and they did in Carters last couple days in office. You get peace through strength not fireside chats, even Teddy Roosevelt said ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’. We can pretend that socialism is okay and that the peaceniks who bombed the Pentagon were right, and that if we stop helping others fight for freedom it’ll make tyrants like us; but we’d be idiots. Sometimes it’s good to stop a moment and realize that for all of Americas blemishes, we’ve done more good for the people of this world in our short history, than all the promising dictators and socialists have ever done. We should think really hard before deciding to ‘change.’ Even hopeful change born by nice looking people with nice sounding words can be bad. No amount of chemicals will make me think America is bad. I have too many memories of the United States doing the right thing to forget them all without losing myself entirely. Now go vote for the war hero you candy asses.”

Not Sarah Palin

Not Sarah Palin

In related news, Topco Sales introduced an inflatable sex doll dubbed ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ just in time for the hot and heavy presidential election. Soon to be available in stores and online, the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’ is sure to liven up any town hall meeting, vice presidential debate, or caribou hunting party. The PR piece says: “Sarah Palin is one hot pundit! Sarah Palin bikini photos and sexy pictures of the republican vice presidential candidate are steaming up the Internet. With that in mind, we here at Topco Sales wanted to give the public a piece of the beauty pageant queen in time for the erection…I mean election,” says Autumn O’Bryan, Director of Product Development for Topco Sales. “This blow-up sex doll could really satisfy the swing voters.” Novelty distributors are urged to contact their Topco Sales account executive to order the ‘This is Not Sarah Palin Inflatable Love Doll’, found under the TLC line of products. No word on if alpha-CaM kinase II is included so you can erase embarrassing moments when you’re caught playing with the doll, but we can hope.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Biden Admits We’re Screwed if Obama Wins; ‘The Joy of Sex’ Revised

VP Candidate Says Expect Barack to Mess Up First Crisis
Publisher Updates Classic Book “The Joy of Sex”

Inebriated Press
October 22, 2008

Fox News reported on Monday that Democrat vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, speaking in Seattle on Sunday, said that the world wants to test his running mate Barack Obama, and he guarantees an international crisis will occur within the first six months of an Obama presidency.  Biden said we shouldn’t expect it to work out well.  AOL News headlined their article “Biden: Obama Will Fumble First Crisis.”  Meanwhile, as if on queue, The Boston Globe reported Sunday that the famous sex manual, The “Joy of Sex”, is being revised for the 21st century.  Pundits debate the finer techniques of being screwed by people who hate America, presidential candidates who admit they’re going to do it to us, and voters who do it to themselves as a matter of choice.

“People who elect first-term Senators who say they’ll have unconditional talks with terrorists who have said they want to wipe us and our allies off the face of the earth, and candidates that go on to say that as a matter of fiscal policy they intend to take money from those who earn it and give it unconditionally to those who don’t, get exactly what they deserve,” said Helga Schumacher-BMW, a blonde high-performance German-American woman, who recalls that Germany elected Adolph Hitler of their own free will, and then lived the adventure.  “Barack Obama has surrounded himself with anti-Americans and has outlined a socialist financial plan and both he and his running mate have been completely wrong on how to handle dictators and international crisis.  Yet Obama leads in the polls because he’s charismatic and sounds encouraging when he tells us crazy shit.  It’s the same stuff the German’s fell for only in a different time, but with a charismatic leader and repackaged dialectics.  If Americans refuse to learn from history, they’ll relive it.  And it won’t be pretty.  Better buy a new copy of The Joy of Sex.  Surviving, thriving and maybe even having a good time getting screwed is all about positioning – better learn the most comfortable angles.”

Not everyone agrees with Schumacher-BMW.  “The crazies who are out running around slamming Obama are just lunatics trying to confuse the voters so they don’t realize that the Democrats are the honest candidates,” said Nifty Perelman, a biped of questionable origin, whose insights are often tinged with lubricant.  “The Obama-Biden team is wide open about the disaster that’s coming internationally because of them, and the income redistribution plans that they intend to implement.  The reality is, hard working Americans want to have the government take their money and give it to others who can’t earn much because they’re on drugs or are too lazy to get an education.  It’s neighborly.  Never mind that conservatives give more money and time to charity than liberals do already, and that liberals tend to have a lot of guilt when they have success but will only share their wealth if they’re forced to.  And let’s face it, Hitler did a great job of organizing communities and really got the country pulling together in one direction.  Adolph got a bad rap when you get right down to it.”

Fox News reported Joe Biden warned that Barack Obama will face an international crisis early in his presidency, fueling Republican charges that the Democratic presidential candidate’s own running mate admits Obama is a blank slate in the face of coming national security threats. Speaking in Seattle on Sunday, Biden said he could guarantee that the world will want to find out if Obama is up to the job, which he assured voters he is. “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama. The world is looking,” Biden said. “Remember I said it standing here. If you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he’s gonna have to make some really tough — I don’t know what the decision’s gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. I guarantee you it’s gonna happen.” The McCain campaign jumped on Biden’s remarks, saying the next president “won’t have time to get used to the office.” But Democratic aides said that Biden was merely reciting history and assuring supporters that Obama is the man for the job.

AOL News quoted Biden: “I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where [the crisis] might originate. And [Obama is] gonna need help. And the kind of help he’s gonna need is, he’s gonna need you – not financially to help him – we’re gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it’s not gonna be apparent initially, it’s not gonna be apparent that we’re right. There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, ‘Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don’t know about that decision.’ Because if you think the decision is sound when they’re made, which I believe you will when they’re made, they’re not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they’re popular, they’re probably not sound.”

The Boston Globe reported that in early 2009 a completely remodeled version of “The Joy of Sex” will be published. This time around, the book will speak to women, too. Susan Quilliam – a British sexpert, advice columnist, and relationship coach – has been put in charge of striking out old-fashioned prose and updating the scientific claims. It’s a daunting task: Quilliam has had to rethink “Sex” for the 21st century. She said the Japanese have a term – pillow book. It means a book to inform and inspire. And Quilliam said she was keen that the new version be a pillow book, and that it was something you could look through and get aroused by, as well as read. She said the book would be beautiful and luxurious.  Some people say that sex and violence is what it takes to make the world go ’round and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

“Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that sadomasochistic Nazi machine-gun sex and whipping plus quasi-Islamofascist female slavery and sex trade is where we’re headed under an O-Biden administration, but you have to admit it does sound kind of exciting, especially with all the economic money redistribution overtones and the need for a bigger underground economy,” said someone claiming to be Tony Rezko, an experienced Chicago entrepreneur always on the lookout for new business opportunities.  “People shouldn’t overlook the possibilities for franchising, tax collection and illegal tax havens.  Heck, Syrians like me thrive on this stuff.  It’s all about embracing the future and not running away from it.  American conservatives are clinging to Christian-Judeo principles too tightly.  If they don’t get with it, they’ll just get screwed without having any fun at all.  The god and gun types have a right to be uncomfortable about this.  They won’t fit in other than as fodder for the machine.  What the heck, most of them live in fly-over country anyway.  But damn that Palin is sure hot.  Wonder what it’ll take to get a piece of Sarah when her run is done?”

In other news, the UK Independent says that a herd of cows belches out more climate-changing gas than a family car. Dr Andy Thorpe, an economist at the University of Portsmouth, explained that 200 cows burp the annual amount of methane equivalent to the energy produced by a family car being driven 111,850 miles. He said solving the problem is tricky though because there could be problems with downsizing herds.  He said a reduction in meat could lead to a “disastrous” increase in demand for fish and cereals. No word on whether the revised Joy of Sex will address the problem or if Nazi’s had a cure that we just haven’t learned about.  Either way climate change will probably be the least of our worries six-months after we elect Obama president.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. Leadership Lacking While Dead Women Come to Life

Poll finds ‘Leadership Crisis’ in America
‘Dead’ Woman Discovered Breathing in Morgue

Inebriated Press
October 17, 2008

U.S. News & World Report published yesterday a survey indicating that 80% of Americans believe that the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, up from 65% three years ago.  And Fox News reported last week that a Delaware woman declared dead of a heart attack at the Beebe Medical Center, was noticed breathing in the morgue and turned out to be very much alive.  Pundits are debating the type of leadership the country needs in a new era where women are rising from the dead.

“It takes a broader understanding of both the life sciences and global economics to lead in today’s world, where no-equity sub-prime loans are killing our economy, and dead women spontaneously come to life,” said Missy Mane-Artillery, a big-hearted big-chested hard-line Coca Cola Distributor, with a weakness for common sense and chocolate.  “You can’t run a business or a country with nice sounding words and platitudes gleaned from left wing pamphlets, Pentagon bombers, Marxist training or America-hating pastors.  At least you can’t run one well.  It takes experience and some hard knocks.  You don’t have to be a prisoner of war for five years or a Senator for twenty, but it sure helps.”

Not everyone agrees with Mane-Artillery.  “Experience is a hindrance in the new age of socialism and corruption, and that’s true whether the dead are rising for no apparent reason, or the largest and most important economy and military power in the world is facing never-before-seen crisis,” said Neville Chamberlain, a former British Prime Minister, who still thinks his meeting unconditionally with Adolph Hitler stopped the Nazi’s from invading Poland, and that World War II never happened.  “Knowledge and a solid track record of experience in foreign affairs and battling corruption just get in the way of naive efforts to solve problems by increasing taxes and spending, while cutting military development and placating mobsters and terrorists.  It’s old-school mundane American-conservative thinking that lead to this mess of having the biggest and most successful economy in the world and the most powerful, feared and respected military.  It’s about time that the United States accepted its fate and elected a socialist so it can become a second-rate has-been nation like the rest of us.  It’s been the best way too long.”

U.S. News & World Report published a recent story saying that 80 percent of Americans believe the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, according to a new poll. Three years ago, that figure was 65 percent. The poll, undertaken jointly by the Center for Public Leadership at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government and the Merriman River Group, asked 997 U.S. citizens about their faith in American leadership today, which of 13 leading sectors they trusted, and how they conceived of the president’s role.

According to the poll results, the traditional news media, usually near the bottom of popularity contests, ranked higher on the survey’s leadership index than business leaders, Congress, and, in particular, the executive branch, which finished dead last. Confidence in the executive branch plummeted for the third year in a row, with 60 percent of Americans saying it gave them “not much” or “no” confidence, up from 49 percent last year. Only 2 of 13 sectors—military and medical—won a moderate amount of American confidence. The military’s lead has lasted for four years in a row. Most Americans do see the election as an important watershed for the country.

Fox News reported that Judith Johnson went to the Beebe Medical Center in Lewes, Delaware, for what she thought was a bad case of indigestion. Johnson was actually having a heart attack when she arrived at the hospital. Less than 45 minutes after she arrived, she went into cardiac arrest. An hour after being admitted, the hospital told Johnson’s husband his wife was dead. When someone at the morgue noticed Johnson’s “corpse” was still breathing, Louis Johnson learned his wife was very much alive. Johnson now suffers from liver damage, chest pain, memory loss, speech problems, and a change in personality, seizures, and permanent neurological injury as a result of the care she received at Beebe Medical Center. The Johnsons are now suing the hospital and medical staff for compensatory and punitive damages. Some people argue that as long as you believe in hope and change, you don’t need experience or practical knowledge; and if things don’t work out, it’s because “shit happens.”

“Sure the surge worked in Iraq and other people voted to send the troops weapons and supplies over Barack Obama’s ‘no’ votes, that’s just shit happening and has nothing to do with real-world stuff,” said someone claiming to be vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, still smarting because an experienced conservative woman named Sarah Palin suddenly brought the Republican Party back from the dead.  “And I’ve voted for a lot of things that Barack voted against, like most other Democrats, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong all the time. He’s lead a great campaign.  There’s no candidate in the history of America who could still lead in the polls after having attended a Mosque as a Muslim kid in Indonesia, attended an anti-American church in Chicago for twenty years, got funding and a house from a Syrian racketeer named Rezko and hung out with a guy who actually planted bombs in the Pentagon and last year even said he wished he’d have done more!  Barack hasn’t even finished his first term as US Senator and has never proposed and passed a single piece of major legislation and he’s beating an experienced and proven war hero!  This guy is a piece of work and destined to lead the most powerful country in the world.  Don’t think it’s just the Chicago machine politics, Middle Eastern money and leftist power brokers behind him.  He’s done some stuff himself too.  I can’t remember any, but he’s America’s guy.  A true leader for the new age.”

In other news, Associated Press reported Tuesday that a Pennsylvania soccer mom who packs a pistol is getting her concealed weapon permit back. Melanie Hain had lost the permit after other parents complained last month that she was carrying her loaded handgun in a holster at her daughter’s soccer game. Judge Robert Eby says even though the law required him to give her the permit back, he questioned whether Hain showed good judgment by ignoring other parents’ safety concerns. No word on whether Hain plans to run for president or encourage conditional talks with tyrants, but you can bet nobody screws around at the soccer games unless they think they can come back from the dead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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WAC: Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse-Pad

Can’t find Sarah Palin nude pics but would like to get what you can?  We can help right here, right now!

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Inebriated Press
October 11, 2008

All across America boys and men of all ages are pondering the beauty and brains of Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin.  Some would like to debate her intellectually and others just wish they could feel her up.

Well wish no longer!

We may not be able to arrange a visit from Sarah to your coffee shop debate club, but we can help get you closer to squeezing some other stuff you’ve been dreaming about.

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Introducing the all New Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad with Boobs!  That’s right, they’ve got them just like Sarah Palin!

This double-breasted high-tech high-touch mouse and pad set are just what juvenile delinquents’ or their dads have been feeling around for!  And now it can be yours!

Irresistibly squeezably soft just like the real thing!  Or so, Todd Palin claims!*

Click a nipple, open a file!

Click a nipple, open a file!

Simply send $55.00 in cash or signed American Express Checks to:

Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Attn: We-Got-Jugs like Sarah
Box 1234565
New York, New York 54321

Order now before Barack Obama, Joe Biden and half of the frustrated Islamofascists in the mountains of Pakistan get them all!  Orders are shipping fast and it’s possible that stock is being depleted rapidly, or something like that.

*Not an official endorsement, but hey, they’ve got five kids!

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Tearful Joe Biden on YouTube Video says “leave Barry alone”

Barack Obama’s Past Irrelevant To Future Presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 10, 2008

Inebriated reporter Tomalina Thumb-Foote, reported today that Vice Presidential hopeful Joe Biden has produced a YouTube video on which he tearfully pleads with American’s to stop questioning Presidential Candidate Barack Obama’s judgment and says “leave Britney, I mean Barry, alone.”  Reportedly Biden said Obama’s “real agenda” is to change America, and voters should put their faith in him to do that, and stop asking questions about it. In the YouTube video Biden says that Obama’s friendship with his political backer Bill Ayers, the unrepentant Pentagon bomber who said in a British video interview a couple of years ago, that he still seeks the overthrow of the U.S. government and of the entire capitalist system, was merely a strategy of bait-and-switch and that Obama can also be characterized as a right-wing zealot.

Joe Biden on YouTube

Joe Biden on YouTube

“On many occasions I went mammal hunting and to NRA conventions with Barack Obama during his extreme right-wing days, but I know that after twenty years in Jeremiah Wrights anti-American church, he’s moderated his views and is more of a centrist now,” said someone claiming to be Joe Biden, in an exclusive Inebriated interview conducted between Jell-O shots in a strip club offering lap dances and flu shots.  “Barry was a hardliner rightist then, but after he became a community organizer and was tapped by Ayres to run his Woods Fund Board and he started training ACORN activists using Saul Alinsky’s Communist organizing tactics of intimidation, he softened his stance away from god and guns and found a unique balance.  Anyone who questions his involvement with radical left-wing socialists and his voting record in support of them, is ignoring his desire to support leaving babies born alive during botched abortions to die in stainless steel pans alone in a laundry room.  He can be as hard core as any right-winger on some stuff, so you know he’s tough and not just a wishy-washy socialist with elitist ideals.”

Barack Hussein Obama

Barack Hussein Obama

Not everyone believes that Joe Biden said those things. “Biden would never say that Obama was right-wing or left-wing, because when he was running for president himself Biden said Obama lacked experience to be president and that he voted against supporting American troops in Iraq by voting no to funding weapons and protective gear,” said a passerby who seemed unusually well informed for an unidentified individual.  “Biden also said he agreed with McCain on the Iraq issues before he became Obama’s running mate.  Kind of like Joe Lieberman, the long time Democrat statesman who has endorsed McCain for President — except he hasn’t changed his mind yet.  You have to know that when Biden starts saying Obama’s the right choice that he’s really become a believer in Obama for President now.  So I’m sure he didn’t say that stuff about the NRA.”

Obama critics have begun raising questions about President Barack Obama’s judgment and what his true plans to “change America” mean, in light of his affiliation and friendships with a host of anti-American’s who have provided the foundation of his ascension from a rogue Chicago organizer to the highest office in the land. But defenders explain that Obama’s friendship and business affiliation with convicted and jailed racketeer Tony Rezko display a cunning ability that’s positive because Obama simply used Rezko to get land he wanted, and they say the experience Obama gained will serve him well as President.  They also point out that the twenty years he spent listening to the preaching of Reverend Jeremiah Wright as he spewed anti-American hatred and said “god damn America” and claimed the US Government invented the AIDS virus and intentionally infected black Americans with it, helps him better understand the views of Al Qaeda, and the US Governments role in healthcare. 

Old School God & Guns McCain

Old School God & Guns McCain

Similarly, Obama’s supporters say his acceptance of the Nation of Islam, and his willingness to unconditionally talk with Iranian President Ahmadinejad who wants Israel wiped off the face of the earth, will allow him to better identify with those who hate America and negotiate ways to change the U.S. into a country that better reflects what foreign leaders want. “When Barack says he’s a ‘citizen of the world’ and won’t wear American flag lapel pins or say the Pledge of Allegiance, he’s showing his tolerance and compassion for the views of those who hate us.  There isn’t a better approach to working with anti-American’s and using their creative ideas to change the United States into something that they will love and respect,” said Karl Marx-Ahmadinejad, a peaceful agent of social change through education, intimidation and occasional violence.  “Once we change the laws to force radio stations to use left-wing programming to offset popular conservative radio programs, and we remove all vestiges of Christianity from our culture and put Muslim footbaths in all public places, we’ll have moved closer to a country that’s acceptable to those who hate us.  Its change they can believe in so we should too.”

Sarah Palin in Kuwait

Sarah Palin in Kuwait

In other news, most American’s in fly-over god-and-guns country are still not convinced that they want to set aside traditional American values, culture, history and the Constitution designed to insure freedom for a Democratic-Republic, in favor of Marxist-Islamofascist governing ideals with economy busting taxes.  These folks, still irrationally clinging to god and guns, think it’s a better idea to elect a war-hero maverick who tried to get regulation of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac but was thwarted by Democrats, and is pro-American to the extent that he lived in a POW camp for 5 1/2 years because he fought for America; and a PTA-mom governor who rooted out corruption in her own party, and has a common sense view of energy and life. No word on why they’re stuck with such old fashioned ideas of freedom and democracy, but perhaps they’ll come around if Biden can get the silly truth-seekers to just “leave Barry alone.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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VP Candidate Sarah Palin does what Obama can’t: conquer Pakistan

Pakistani President Zardari calls Palin “gorgeous” in meeting
Hefner wants her to pose in Playboy centerfold

Inebriated Press
September 30, 2008

TIME reported on Friday that when U.S. Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin met with Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari in New York last week, he gushed: “You are more gorgeous than you are on [television].” And Starpulse reported last week that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner wants Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine.  He said she looks sexy with glasses and would like to see her without.  Pundits debate the power of hot looking conservatism versus dry liberal hyperbole.

Sarah Palin meets Pakistani President Zardari

Sarah Palin meets Pakistani President Zardari

“It doesn’t matter that most of what presidential candidate Barack Obama says is bull shit, he’s all for ‘change’ and his one-hundred-plus votes of ‘present’ as a State and U.S. Senator proves that,” said Hockem “Bailout” McGraw, the owner of a taxpayer subsidized home for victims of their own stupidity.  “A pretty face shouldn’t get any attention in our society unless it’s talking liberal-socialist values that will result in me getting more stuff.  I only want my fair share and no one should be telling me to work for it.  I’m a lazy guy who has needs and wants and I’m getting really pissed off at some of these Hispanics who sneak into the country and are willing to work crap jobs and hope to become citizens.  Let them demand free stuff the same way I do and get in line.  It’s change they should believe in.”

Not everyone is buying what “Bailout” McGraw is selling.  “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and only expect the federal government to give you a level playing field and some opportunity, that’s all anyone should hope for,” said Mary-Belle Masters-Johnson, a self-help guru who moonlights by flashing her self-funded silicon enhancements at the Johnny Come-Lately Bar and Strip Club. “If Palin has natural beauty to go with her natural brains and a penchant for busting up old-boy networks that are corrupt, and she can use her looks and talent to bring the Middle East under control, for heavens’ sake let her to it!  Obama said he wants to chat with Iranian terrorists and maybe bomb Pakistan, while Palin smiles at one head of state and he bends to her will.  It’s a hell of a lot better than blowing up shit.  Let the woman ply her trade.  She’s a governor with an 80% approval rating for god’s sake! US Congress has 9% and Bush around 20%.  Let her kick some ass by looking hot and talking smart.  Where’s the harm in that?”

TIME reported that after U.S. Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin shook hands with Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari in New York last week, and Palin declared she was honored to meet him, Zardari said: “You are more gorgeous than you are on [television]. Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you.” At this point, the two were urged to shake hands again, presumably for the benefit of the cameras. “I’m supposed to pose again,” Palin said quietly. Pointing toward the aide that prompted them, Zardari said, “If he’s insisting, I might hug.” TIME said that the resulting exchange turned Palin into a household name in Pakistan, but saw Zardari pilloried at home as a source of national embarrassment and accused of sexism and impropriety.

Hefner

Hefner

Starplus reported that Hugh Hefner wants Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine— if her White House campaign fails. The 44-year-old Alaska Governor and former beauty queen has a huge male following— and Hefner is convinced the magazine would fly off the shelves if she agreed to strip for him.  Hefner told OK! magazine: “Palin would make a great centerfold. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a really sexy-looking woman wearing glasses. Imagine what she’s like when those glasses come off. It would be a new definition of the word vice in vice president.”  Some people say beauty is only skin deep, but others argue that since Helen of Troy’s face could launch a thousand ships, American’s should give Sarah Palin a shot.

“If Palin was nothing more than a pretty face, it would make sense to diss her and put her down,” said Jo Bloe, a pet store owner who wrestles tigers in her spare time as a way to relax.  “The fact is, she has more governing experience than Obama and Biden put together and a much higher approval rating among her constituents.  She broke up corruption in her own Party and beat the big oil companies in fair negotiations. So what if she’s not an expert in foreign policy – neither is Obama and he’s running for president not vice president. Palin is bright and has common sense; Barack waits for Michelle to tell him what to do.  When I imagine Sarah breaking the glass ceiling by becoming the first female vice president of the United States of America, busting up corruption in the federal government and then posing in Playboy, I almost start gushing about her like the Pakistani president does.  There’s way more to Sarah Palin than good looks.  Zardari’s got vision, that’s for sure.”

Yasmin Fostok

Yasmin Fostok

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported Saturday that Yasmin Fostok, the daughter of firebrand Muslim cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed, has been revealed as a topless, tattooed pole dancer. The 26-year-old single mother has been displaying her charms in London clubs and touring as a ‘podium’ dancer with a troupe called Ibiza Untouched.  The cleric dismissed the reports and told the media Islam would soon conquer Britain. “You are going to pay a heavy price,” Bakri said.  “You can read it any way you like. The time is now.” No word on whether part of Bakri’s strategy for taking over Britain involves his pole dancing daughter, but who knows, she might be more than just a pretty face.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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