Tag Archives: Sarah Palin

Biden Admits We’re Screwed if Obama Wins; ‘The Joy of Sex’ Revised

VP Candidate Says Expect Barack to Mess Up First Crisis
Publisher Updates Classic Book “The Joy of Sex”

Inebriated Press
October 22, 2008

Fox News reported on Monday that Democrat vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, speaking in Seattle on Sunday, said that the world wants to test his running mate Barack Obama, and he guarantees an international crisis will occur within the first six months of an Obama presidency.  Biden said we shouldn’t expect it to work out well.  AOL News headlined their article “Biden: Obama Will Fumble First Crisis.”  Meanwhile, as if on queue, The Boston Globe reported Sunday that the famous sex manual, The “Joy of Sex”, is being revised for the 21st century.  Pundits debate the finer techniques of being screwed by people who hate America, presidential candidates who admit they’re going to do it to us, and voters who do it to themselves as a matter of choice.

“People who elect first-term Senators who say they’ll have unconditional talks with terrorists who have said they want to wipe us and our allies off the face of the earth, and candidates that go on to say that as a matter of fiscal policy they intend to take money from those who earn it and give it unconditionally to those who don’t, get exactly what they deserve,” said Helga Schumacher-BMW, a blonde high-performance German-American woman, who recalls that Germany elected Adolph Hitler of their own free will, and then lived the adventure.  “Barack Obama has surrounded himself with anti-Americans and has outlined a socialist financial plan and both he and his running mate have been completely wrong on how to handle dictators and international crisis.  Yet Obama leads in the polls because he’s charismatic and sounds encouraging when he tells us crazy shit.  It’s the same stuff the German’s fell for only in a different time, but with a charismatic leader and repackaged dialectics.  If Americans refuse to learn from history, they’ll relive it.  And it won’t be pretty.  Better buy a new copy of The Joy of Sex.  Surviving, thriving and maybe even having a good time getting screwed is all about positioning – better learn the most comfortable angles.”

Not everyone agrees with Schumacher-BMW.  “The crazies who are out running around slamming Obama are just lunatics trying to confuse the voters so they don’t realize that the Democrats are the honest candidates,” said Nifty Perelman, a biped of questionable origin, whose insights are often tinged with lubricant.  “The Obama-Biden team is wide open about the disaster that’s coming internationally because of them, and the income redistribution plans that they intend to implement.  The reality is, hard working Americans want to have the government take their money and give it to others who can’t earn much because they’re on drugs or are too lazy to get an education.  It’s neighborly.  Never mind that conservatives give more money and time to charity than liberals do already, and that liberals tend to have a lot of guilt when they have success but will only share their wealth if they’re forced to.  And let’s face it, Hitler did a great job of organizing communities and really got the country pulling together in one direction.  Adolph got a bad rap when you get right down to it.”

Fox News reported Joe Biden warned that Barack Obama will face an international crisis early in his presidency, fueling Republican charges that the Democratic presidential candidate’s own running mate admits Obama is a blank slate in the face of coming national security threats. Speaking in Seattle on Sunday, Biden said he could guarantee that the world will want to find out if Obama is up to the job, which he assured voters he is. “Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama. The world is looking,” Biden said. “Remember I said it standing here. If you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he’s gonna have to make some really tough — I don’t know what the decision’s gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. I guarantee you it’s gonna happen.” The McCain campaign jumped on Biden’s remarks, saying the next president “won’t have time to get used to the office.” But Democratic aides said that Biden was merely reciting history and assuring supporters that Obama is the man for the job.

AOL News quoted Biden: “I can give you at least four or five scenarios from where [the crisis] might originate. And [Obama is] gonna need help. And the kind of help he’s gonna need is, he’s gonna need you – not financially to help him – we’re gonna need you to use your influence, your influence within the community, to stand with him. Because it’s not gonna be apparent initially, it’s not gonna be apparent that we’re right. There are gonna be a lot of you who want to go, ‘Whoa, wait a minute, yo, whoa, whoa, I don’t know about that decision.’ Because if you think the decision is sound when they’re made, which I believe you will when they’re made, they’re not likely to be as popular as they are sound. Because if they’re popular, they’re probably not sound.”

The Boston Globe reported that in early 2009 a completely remodeled version of “The Joy of Sex” will be published. This time around, the book will speak to women, too. Susan Quilliam – a British sexpert, advice columnist, and relationship coach – has been put in charge of striking out old-fashioned prose and updating the scientific claims. It’s a daunting task: Quilliam has had to rethink “Sex” for the 21st century. She said the Japanese have a term – pillow book. It means a book to inform and inspire. And Quilliam said she was keen that the new version be a pillow book, and that it was something you could look through and get aroused by, as well as read. She said the book would be beautiful and luxurious.  Some people say that sex and violence is what it takes to make the world go ’round and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

“Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that sadomasochistic Nazi machine-gun sex and whipping plus quasi-Islamofascist female slavery and sex trade is where we’re headed under an O-Biden administration, but you have to admit it does sound kind of exciting, especially with all the economic money redistribution overtones and the need for a bigger underground economy,” said someone claiming to be Tony Rezko, an experienced Chicago entrepreneur always on the lookout for new business opportunities.  “People shouldn’t overlook the possibilities for franchising, tax collection and illegal tax havens.  Heck, Syrians like me thrive on this stuff.  It’s all about embracing the future and not running away from it.  American conservatives are clinging to Christian-Judeo principles too tightly.  If they don’t get with it, they’ll just get screwed without having any fun at all.  The god and gun types have a right to be uncomfortable about this.  They won’t fit in other than as fodder for the machine.  What the heck, most of them live in fly-over country anyway.  But damn that Palin is sure hot.  Wonder what it’ll take to get a piece of Sarah when her run is done?”

In other news, the UK Independent says that a herd of cows belches out more climate-changing gas than a family car. Dr Andy Thorpe, an economist at the University of Portsmouth, explained that 200 cows burp the annual amount of methane equivalent to the energy produced by a family car being driven 111,850 miles. He said solving the problem is tricky though because there could be problems with downsizing herds.  He said a reduction in meat could lead to a “disastrous” increase in demand for fish and cereals. No word on whether the revised Joy of Sex will address the problem or if Nazi’s had a cure that we just haven’t learned about.  Either way climate change will probably be the least of our worries six-months after we elect Obama president.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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U.S. Leadership Lacking While Dead Women Come to Life

Poll finds ‘Leadership Crisis’ in America
‘Dead’ Woman Discovered Breathing in Morgue

Inebriated Press
October 17, 2008

U.S. News & World Report published yesterday a survey indicating that 80% of Americans believe that the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, up from 65% three years ago.  And Fox News reported last week that a Delaware woman declared dead of a heart attack at the Beebe Medical Center, was noticed breathing in the morgue and turned out to be very much alive.  Pundits are debating the type of leadership the country needs in a new era where women are rising from the dead.

“It takes a broader understanding of both the life sciences and global economics to lead in today’s world, where no-equity sub-prime loans are killing our economy, and dead women spontaneously come to life,” said Missy Mane-Artillery, a big-hearted big-chested hard-line Coca Cola Distributor, with a weakness for common sense and chocolate.  “You can’t run a business or a country with nice sounding words and platitudes gleaned from left wing pamphlets, Pentagon bombers, Marxist training or America-hating pastors.  At least you can’t run one well.  It takes experience and some hard knocks.  You don’t have to be a prisoner of war for five years or a Senator for twenty, but it sure helps.”

Not everyone agrees with Mane-Artillery.  “Experience is a hindrance in the new age of socialism and corruption, and that’s true whether the dead are rising for no apparent reason, or the largest and most important economy and military power in the world is facing never-before-seen crisis,” said Neville Chamberlain, a former British Prime Minister, who still thinks his meeting unconditionally with Adolph Hitler stopped the Nazi’s from invading Poland, and that World War II never happened.  “Knowledge and a solid track record of experience in foreign affairs and battling corruption just get in the way of naive efforts to solve problems by increasing taxes and spending, while cutting military development and placating mobsters and terrorists.  It’s old-school mundane American-conservative thinking that lead to this mess of having the biggest and most successful economy in the world and the most powerful, feared and respected military.  It’s about time that the United States accepted its fate and elected a socialist so it can become a second-rate has-been nation like the rest of us.  It’s been the best way too long.”

U.S. News & World Report published a recent story saying that 80 percent of Americans believe the United States faces a “leadership crisis” today, according to a new poll. Three years ago, that figure was 65 percent. The poll, undertaken jointly by the Center for Public Leadership at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government and the Merriman River Group, asked 997 U.S. citizens about their faith in American leadership today, which of 13 leading sectors they trusted, and how they conceived of the president’s role.

According to the poll results, the traditional news media, usually near the bottom of popularity contests, ranked higher on the survey’s leadership index than business leaders, Congress, and, in particular, the executive branch, which finished dead last. Confidence in the executive branch plummeted for the third year in a row, with 60 percent of Americans saying it gave them “not much” or “no” confidence, up from 49 percent last year. Only 2 of 13 sectors—military and medical—won a moderate amount of American confidence. The military’s lead has lasted for four years in a row. Most Americans do see the election as an important watershed for the country.

Fox News reported that Judith Johnson went to the Beebe Medical Center in Lewes, Delaware, for what she thought was a bad case of indigestion. Johnson was actually having a heart attack when she arrived at the hospital. Less than 45 minutes after she arrived, she went into cardiac arrest. An hour after being admitted, the hospital told Johnson’s husband his wife was dead. When someone at the morgue noticed Johnson’s “corpse” was still breathing, Louis Johnson learned his wife was very much alive. Johnson now suffers from liver damage, chest pain, memory loss, speech problems, and a change in personality, seizures, and permanent neurological injury as a result of the care she received at Beebe Medical Center. The Johnsons are now suing the hospital and medical staff for compensatory and punitive damages. Some people argue that as long as you believe in hope and change, you don’t need experience or practical knowledge; and if things don’t work out, it’s because “shit happens.”

“Sure the surge worked in Iraq and other people voted to send the troops weapons and supplies over Barack Obama’s ‘no’ votes, that’s just shit happening and has nothing to do with real-world stuff,” said someone claiming to be vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, still smarting because an experienced conservative woman named Sarah Palin suddenly brought the Republican Party back from the dead.  “And I’ve voted for a lot of things that Barack voted against, like most other Democrats, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong all the time. He’s lead a great campaign.  There’s no candidate in the history of America who could still lead in the polls after having attended a Mosque as a Muslim kid in Indonesia, attended an anti-American church in Chicago for twenty years, got funding and a house from a Syrian racketeer named Rezko and hung out with a guy who actually planted bombs in the Pentagon and last year even said he wished he’d have done more!  Barack hasn’t even finished his first term as US Senator and has never proposed and passed a single piece of major legislation and he’s beating an experienced and proven war hero!  This guy is a piece of work and destined to lead the most powerful country in the world.  Don’t think it’s just the Chicago machine politics, Middle Eastern money and leftist power brokers behind him.  He’s done some stuff himself too.  I can’t remember any, but he’s America’s guy.  A true leader for the new age.”

In other news, Associated Press reported Tuesday that a Pennsylvania soccer mom who packs a pistol is getting her concealed weapon permit back. Melanie Hain had lost the permit after other parents complained last month that she was carrying her loaded handgun in a holster at her daughter’s soccer game. Judge Robert Eby says even though the law required him to give her the permit back, he questioned whether Hain showed good judgment by ignoring other parents’ safety concerns. No word on whether Hain plans to run for president or encourage conditional talks with tyrants, but you can bet nobody screws around at the soccer games unless they think they can come back from the dead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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WAC: Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse-Pad

Can’t find Sarah Palin nude pics but would like to get what you can?  We can help right here, right now!

Weekend Ad Copy (WAC) by: Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Inebriated Press
October 11, 2008

All across America boys and men of all ages are pondering the beauty and brains of Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin.  Some would like to debate her intellectually and others just wish they could feel her up.

Well wish no longer!

We may not be able to arrange a visit from Sarah to your coffee shop debate club, but we can help get you closer to squeezing some other stuff you’ve been dreaming about.

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Sarah Palin Double-Breasted Mouse & Pad

Introducing the all New Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad with Boobs!  That’s right, they’ve got them just like Sarah Palin!

This double-breasted high-tech high-touch mouse and pad set are just what juvenile delinquents’ or their dads have been feeling around for!  And now it can be yours!

Irresistibly squeezably soft just like the real thing!  Or so, Todd Palin claims!*

Click a nipple, open a file!

Click a nipple, open a file!

Simply send $55.00 in cash or signed American Express Checks to:

Ronco Media Not-PC PC-Mouse and Pad Division
Attn: We-Got-Jugs like Sarah
Box 1234565
New York, New York 54321

Order now before Barack Obama, Joe Biden and half of the frustrated Islamofascists in the mountains of Pakistan get them all!  Orders are shipping fast and it’s possible that stock is being depleted rapidly, or something like that.

*Not an official endorsement, but hey, they’ve got five kids!

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Tearful Joe Biden on YouTube Video says “leave Barry alone”

Barack Obama’s Past Irrelevant To Future Presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 10, 2008

Inebriated reporter Tomalina Thumb-Foote, reported today that Vice Presidential hopeful Joe Biden has produced a YouTube video on which he tearfully pleads with American’s to stop questioning Presidential Candidate Barack Obama’s judgment and says “leave Britney, I mean Barry, alone.”  Reportedly Biden said Obama’s “real agenda” is to change America, and voters should put their faith in him to do that, and stop asking questions about it. In the YouTube video Biden says that Obama’s friendship with his political backer Bill Ayers, the unrepentant Pentagon bomber who said in a British video interview a couple of years ago, that he still seeks the overthrow of the U.S. government and of the entire capitalist system, was merely a strategy of bait-and-switch and that Obama can also be characterized as a right-wing zealot.

Joe Biden on YouTube

Joe Biden on YouTube

“On many occasions I went mammal hunting and to NRA conventions with Barack Obama during his extreme right-wing days, but I know that after twenty years in Jeremiah Wrights anti-American church, he’s moderated his views and is more of a centrist now,” said someone claiming to be Joe Biden, in an exclusive Inebriated interview conducted between Jell-O shots in a strip club offering lap dances and flu shots.  “Barry was a hardliner rightist then, but after he became a community organizer and was tapped by Ayres to run his Woods Fund Board and he started training ACORN activists using Saul Alinsky’s Communist organizing tactics of intimidation, he softened his stance away from god and guns and found a unique balance.  Anyone who questions his involvement with radical left-wing socialists and his voting record in support of them, is ignoring his desire to support leaving babies born alive during botched abortions to die in stainless steel pans alone in a laundry room.  He can be as hard core as any right-winger on some stuff, so you know he’s tough and not just a wishy-washy socialist with elitist ideals.”

Barack Hussein Obama

Barack Hussein Obama

Not everyone believes that Joe Biden said those things. “Biden would never say that Obama was right-wing or left-wing, because when he was running for president himself Biden said Obama lacked experience to be president and that he voted against supporting American troops in Iraq by voting no to funding weapons and protective gear,” said a passerby who seemed unusually well informed for an unidentified individual.  “Biden also said he agreed with McCain on the Iraq issues before he became Obama’s running mate.  Kind of like Joe Lieberman, the long time Democrat statesman who has endorsed McCain for President — except he hasn’t changed his mind yet.  You have to know that when Biden starts saying Obama’s the right choice that he’s really become a believer in Obama for President now.  So I’m sure he didn’t say that stuff about the NRA.”

Obama critics have begun raising questions about President Barack Obama’s judgment and what his true plans to “change America” mean, in light of his affiliation and friendships with a host of anti-American’s who have provided the foundation of his ascension from a rogue Chicago organizer to the highest office in the land. But defenders explain that Obama’s friendship and business affiliation with convicted and jailed racketeer Tony Rezko display a cunning ability that’s positive because Obama simply used Rezko to get land he wanted, and they say the experience Obama gained will serve him well as President.  They also point out that the twenty years he spent listening to the preaching of Reverend Jeremiah Wright as he spewed anti-American hatred and said “god damn America” and claimed the US Government invented the AIDS virus and intentionally infected black Americans with it, helps him better understand the views of Al Qaeda, and the US Governments role in healthcare. 

Old School God & Guns McCain

Old School God & Guns McCain

Similarly, Obama’s supporters say his acceptance of the Nation of Islam, and his willingness to unconditionally talk with Iranian President Ahmadinejad who wants Israel wiped off the face of the earth, will allow him to better identify with those who hate America and negotiate ways to change the U.S. into a country that better reflects what foreign leaders want. “When Barack says he’s a ‘citizen of the world’ and won’t wear American flag lapel pins or say the Pledge of Allegiance, he’s showing his tolerance and compassion for the views of those who hate us.  There isn’t a better approach to working with anti-American’s and using their creative ideas to change the United States into something that they will love and respect,” said Karl Marx-Ahmadinejad, a peaceful agent of social change through education, intimidation and occasional violence.  “Once we change the laws to force radio stations to use left-wing programming to offset popular conservative radio programs, and we remove all vestiges of Christianity from our culture and put Muslim footbaths in all public places, we’ll have moved closer to a country that’s acceptable to those who hate us.  Its change they can believe in so we should too.”

Sarah Palin in Kuwait

Sarah Palin in Kuwait

In other news, most American’s in fly-over god-and-guns country are still not convinced that they want to set aside traditional American values, culture, history and the Constitution designed to insure freedom for a Democratic-Republic, in favor of Marxist-Islamofascist governing ideals with economy busting taxes.  These folks, still irrationally clinging to god and guns, think it’s a better idea to elect a war-hero maverick who tried to get regulation of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac but was thwarted by Democrats, and is pro-American to the extent that he lived in a POW camp for 5 1/2 years because he fought for America; and a PTA-mom governor who rooted out corruption in her own party, and has a common sense view of energy and life. No word on why they’re stuck with such old fashioned ideas of freedom and democracy, but perhaps they’ll come around if Biden can get the silly truth-seekers to just “leave Barry alone.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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VP Candidate Sarah Palin does what Obama can’t: conquer Pakistan

Pakistani President Zardari calls Palin “gorgeous” in meeting
Hefner wants her to pose in Playboy centerfold

Inebriated Press
September 30, 2008

TIME reported on Friday that when U.S. Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin met with Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari in New York last week, he gushed: “You are more gorgeous than you are on [television].” And Starpulse reported last week that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner wants Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine.  He said she looks sexy with glasses and would like to see her without.  Pundits debate the power of hot looking conservatism versus dry liberal hyperbole.

Sarah Palin meets Pakistani President Zardari

Sarah Palin meets Pakistani President Zardari

“It doesn’t matter that most of what presidential candidate Barack Obama says is bull shit, he’s all for ‘change’ and his one-hundred-plus votes of ‘present’ as a State and U.S. Senator proves that,” said Hockem “Bailout” McGraw, the owner of a taxpayer subsidized home for victims of their own stupidity.  “A pretty face shouldn’t get any attention in our society unless it’s talking liberal-socialist values that will result in me getting more stuff.  I only want my fair share and no one should be telling me to work for it.  I’m a lazy guy who has needs and wants and I’m getting really pissed off at some of these Hispanics who sneak into the country and are willing to work crap jobs and hope to become citizens.  Let them demand free stuff the same way I do and get in line.  It’s change they should believe in.”

Not everyone is buying what “Bailout” McGraw is selling.  “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and only expect the federal government to give you a level playing field and some opportunity, that’s all anyone should hope for,” said Mary-Belle Masters-Johnson, a self-help guru who moonlights by flashing her self-funded silicon enhancements at the Johnny Come-Lately Bar and Strip Club. “If Palin has natural beauty to go with her natural brains and a penchant for busting up old-boy networks that are corrupt, and she can use her looks and talent to bring the Middle East under control, for heavens’ sake let her to it!  Obama said he wants to chat with Iranian terrorists and maybe bomb Pakistan, while Palin smiles at one head of state and he bends to her will.  It’s a hell of a lot better than blowing up shit.  Let the woman ply her trade.  She’s a governor with an 80% approval rating for god’s sake! US Congress has 9% and Bush around 20%.  Let her kick some ass by looking hot and talking smart.  Where’s the harm in that?”

TIME reported that after U.S. Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin shook hands with Pakistan’s President Asif Ali Zardari in New York last week, and Palin declared she was honored to meet him, Zardari said: “You are more gorgeous than you are on [television]. Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you.” At this point, the two were urged to shake hands again, presumably for the benefit of the cameras. “I’m supposed to pose again,” Palin said quietly. Pointing toward the aide that prompted them, Zardari said, “If he’s insisting, I might hug.” TIME said that the resulting exchange turned Palin into a household name in Pakistan, but saw Zardari pilloried at home as a source of national embarrassment and accused of sexism and impropriety.

Hefner

Hefner

Starplus reported that Hugh Hefner wants Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to pose naked in Playboy magazine— if her White House campaign fails. The 44-year-old Alaska Governor and former beauty queen has a huge male following— and Hefner is convinced the magazine would fly off the shelves if she agreed to strip for him.  Hefner told OK! magazine: “Palin would make a great centerfold. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a really sexy-looking woman wearing glasses. Imagine what she’s like when those glasses come off. It would be a new definition of the word vice in vice president.”  Some people say beauty is only skin deep, but others argue that since Helen of Troy’s face could launch a thousand ships, American’s should give Sarah Palin a shot.

“If Palin was nothing more than a pretty face, it would make sense to diss her and put her down,” said Jo Bloe, a pet store owner who wrestles tigers in her spare time as a way to relax.  “The fact is, she has more governing experience than Obama and Biden put together and a much higher approval rating among her constituents.  She broke up corruption in her own Party and beat the big oil companies in fair negotiations. So what if she’s not an expert in foreign policy – neither is Obama and he’s running for president not vice president. Palin is bright and has common sense; Barack waits for Michelle to tell him what to do.  When I imagine Sarah breaking the glass ceiling by becoming the first female vice president of the United States of America, busting up corruption in the federal government and then posing in Playboy, I almost start gushing about her like the Pakistani president does.  There’s way more to Sarah Palin than good looks.  Zardari’s got vision, that’s for sure.”

Yasmin Fostok

Yasmin Fostok

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported Saturday that Yasmin Fostok, the daughter of firebrand Muslim cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed, has been revealed as a topless, tattooed pole dancer. The 26-year-old single mother has been displaying her charms in London clubs and touring as a ‘podium’ dancer with a troupe called Ibiza Untouched.  The cleric dismissed the reports and told the media Islam would soon conquer Britain. “You are going to pay a heavy price,” Bakri said.  “You can read it any way you like. The time is now.” No word on whether part of Bakri’s strategy for taking over Britain involves his pole dancing daughter, but who knows, she might be more than just a pretty face.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Palin Power Awakes at 3:00 a.m.

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Bill Clinton says Sarah Palin is Hot

Former Prez says people relate to VP candidate and so does he
Meanwhile, boob-centric mouse / mouse pad a hot new product too
 
 

 

 

Inebriated Press
September 24, 2008

The Seattle Times reported Monday that former president Bill Clinton says he understands the appeal of current Alaskan governor and VP candidate Sarah Palin. “I get why she’s hot out there,” Clinton said. And GIZMODO reported Monday that use of a new breast-related mouse and mouse pad combo will help your co-workers know your true passions.  Debate over hotness and capability ramps up like Hillary Clinton’s blood pressure every time Bill opens up in public about his interest in other women.

High-tech, High-touch for VP

High-tech, High-touch for VP

“Hot new PC mice with breasts and hot new VP candidates with breasts are all well and good, but you’ve got to have substance to go along with them, if you’re going to be able to use them effectively to get things done,” said someone claiming to be Senator Hillary Clinton, wearing a hot-pink push-up bra purely for attention and carrying a Prada handbag containing Bill’s balls, purely for control.  “I respect the whole combination of high-tech and high-touch, but I think people should make sure that the underlying systems behind any new breast-based product or service can deliver what you’re expecting. I know I can. Damned Obama. Screwed up all my plans. Damned Bill. Nothing but trouble.”

Some pundits say both products deliver even more than advertised.  “The PC mouse with boobs may be new, but it’s got proven technology that delivers the web page or file you want every time you left click the left breast, and it will open menus at the click of the right tit, just the way you’d expect,” said Bob Throb-Knob, the president of a major tech company who likes to use an assumed name in order to blend in.  “And Sarah Palin has a proven track record of busting up corruption in the Alaska’s oil company dealings as well as in her own political party, not to mention she’s got five kids.  So you know she’s got plenty of good stuff going on in business, politics and sex.  Sarah’s one hot babe with a hot brain and she’s effectively processing on so many levels I break into a sweat just thinking about her.  I want her in office bad.  Come to think about it, I just want her bad.”

High-tech, High-touch for PC

High-tech, High-touch for PC

The Seattle Times reported that Bill Clinton said Monday he understands why Sarah Palin is popular in the heartland: because people relate to her. “I come from Arkansas, I get why she’s hot out there,” Clinton said. “Why she’s doing well.” Speaking to reporters before his Clinton Global Initiative meeting, the former president described Palin’s appeal by adding, “People look at her, and they say, ‘All those kids. Something that happens in everybody’s family. I’m glad she loves her daughter and she’s not ashamed of her. Glad that girl’s going around with her boyfriend. Glad they’re going to get married.’ I get this,” Clinton said. “My view is … why say, ever, anything bad about a person? Why don’t we like them and celebrate them and be happy for her elevation to the ticket?” An Inebriated reporter said Clinton went on to speak at some length, off-the-record, about other aspects of elevation, erection and upward progression.

Peace through technology

Peace through technology

GIZMODO reported that a new boob-centric mouse and mouse pad lets your co-workers know your true passions. The article said that if you’re a 13-year-old boy or just someone with the maturity level of a 13-year-old boy, you’ll love the breast-related mouse and mouse pad combo. The mouse features a couple of boobs as buttons, while the mouse pad uses boobs as a wrist rest. The article said that for $38, it’s probably the only way you’re ever going to get your hands on two pairs of breasts at the same time. The writer called it a win/win! Some experts say that Americans can have the best of all worlds when they embrace the nicely breasted VP-PC mouse combo.

“What’s not to like about the female anatomy as represented by a solid VP candidate with governing experience and an electronic device designed to run your PC by pressing and squeezing little jubblies,” asked someone claiming to be Bill Clinton, the former leader of the free world, who never let sex-play in the Oval Office interfere with his cheeseburger consumption.  “I can’t come out and advocate a Republican candidate, I’d like to but I just can’t.  On the other hand you all know how I feel about breasts and people who have them.  Let me just say that any smart devise with a set of knockers is bound to be better than the alternative.”

Bill Clinton, product tester, in action.

Bill Clinton, product tester, in action.

In other news, the Washington Post reported Monday that the US Senate has embraced last year’s Defense Science Board conclusion that directed-energy weapons — such as high-, medium- and low-power lasers — hold great potential and should be developed as soon as possible. Low-power lasers known as “dazzlers” are being used in Iraq, mounted on M-4 rifles, “to warn or temporarily incapacitate individuals,” according to the Defense Science Board’s report. Army, Special Forces and more recently Marine units are using them to warn or deter drivers approaching checkpoints and to “defuse potential escalation of force incidents,” according to the report. No word on whether future designs will use squeezable boobs for buttons, but Bill Clinton says he’s on board.

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