Tag Archives: sarcasm

No Waterboarding, No Sex Tax, No People of Color

> CIA to decommission all waterboarding sites
> Nevada drops proposed $5 sex tax
> Funeral home sued after black man switched for white woman

Inebriated Press
April 13, 2009

Bunny RanchThe Boston Globe reported Friday that the CIA has announced it is decommissioning all “black sites” where terrorism suspects were questioned and three were waterboarded.  And Associated Press reported Friday that the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee has voted down a proposal to levy a $5 tax on legal and illegal sex acts in the State.  Meanwhile, the Houston Chronicle reported last Wednesday that a family is suing a funeral home after it mixed up the body of their black relative and switched it with a white woman.  Pundits say that the Obama European Tour has completed the solution to all the world’s problems and now there are no terrorists to question, no need to tax sex, and no need for affirmative action because no one can tell the difference between black and white.

Someone named Monica

Someone named Monica

“With the Obama Administrations official announcement that there will no longer be references to a ‘war on terror’ and the presidents bowing and scraping before the Saudi King, and U.S. willingness to let Iran go nuclear now, there is no need to have facilities where we ask people suspected as terrorists any questions,” said Monica Maidrite-Playtex, a community organizer and activist, currently the senior advisor to the U.S. Department of Defense.  “There are no terrorists; Barack has declared it so.  As far as the sex tax goes, I think the government should control access to sex and probably require a tax to fund an oversight board to regulate it, but at this point it’s more important that we simply control access to healthcare entirely.  Regarding the confusion between a black man and white woman, this is simply an example of the progress Barack has made since being in office.  This sort of thing didn’t happen while Bush was president because he was so polarizing; he is to blame for everything wrong with America.  Thank god he’s back in Texas.”

Someone named Jean

Someone named Jean

Not everyone agrees with Maidrite-Platex.  “Just because someone declares that there is no war with terrorists doesn’t make it so; there are still plenty of Islamofascists plotting to kill Americans.  The world won’t be safer when Iran has a nuke.  And just because the U.S. put a budget guy in charge of CIA doesn’t mean the intelligence agency is better at it’s job,” said Jean Denim-Blu, a Hooters waitress who moonlights as an aluminum welder at the Metallic Owl and Strip Club.  “As far as the black guy confused with a white woman goes, it just shows you that it’s time to drop special funding for affirmative action and get on with living together.  We have a black president, the head of the Republican party is black, Oprah is the richest and most powerful woman in the world, Tiger Woods is the worlds best golfer, the best female tennis players are black, the fastest race car driver in the world is black, the NFL superbowl winning coach is black, the fastest human in the world is black.  It’s time to let this affirmative action shit go.  And sex should never be taxed.  That’s counter intuitive, it’s the best stimulus the world’s got, let it alone for crying out loud.”

Click for larger pic

Click for larger pic

The Boston Globe reported that the CIA will decommission the infamous “black sites” where terrorism suspects were interrogated with harsh techniques that included waterboarding, agency director Leon Panetta said yesterday. Panetta said in a letter to agency employees that he had informed Congress of the CIA’s detention policies following an order by President Obama in January banning harsh interrogations and ordering that the secret detention sites be closed. Panetta said that from now on the CIA would use “a dialog style of questioning”. 

Under the Bush administration three terrorists were waterboarded and officials said key information was obtained that resulted in the lives of thousands of Americans being saved from the prevention of planned terrorist attacks.

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Bunny Ranch patriots against taxation

Associated Press reported that a proposal to levy a $5 tax on sex acts in Nevada has died in a state Senate committee. The 3-4 vote Thursday in the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee was one shy of the four needed to keep the proposal afloat. Committee Chairman Bob Coffin, the Las Vegas Democrat who sponsored the bill, says the state is desperate for revenue and has not collected taxes from prostitution since it was legalized in some rural counties more than 30 years ago. Sen. Mike McGinness, a Republican from Fallon who voted against the tax, says he wouldn’t support a new tax on services. Coffin has estimated the tax would’ve raised at least $2 million a year. Nevada is facing a more than $2.8 billion revenue shortfall.

White woman

White woman

The Houston Chronicle reported that seven siblings sued the funeral home that handles Harris County’s indigent burials for cremating their father’s body instead of preparing it for a funeral as they had requested. The 91-year-old black man’s body was mixed up with the body of a white woman that was supposed to be cremated, according to the lawsuit. Both bodies were being handled through the county’s indigent burial program. The lawsuit filed by Fred Woods’ children seeks $2.7 million in damages from Carnes Funeral Home and Cremate Texas, both of which are owned by funeral director Jay Carnes. It alleges the negligence of the funeral home and crematory caused a host of physical and mental problems, including post-traumatic stress disorder, anguish and humiliation.

Some people say that decommissioning “black sites”, voting down a sex tax proposed by a guy named “Coffin”, coupled with the funeral home problem with a “black man” all indicates that America continues to have serious issues with color and taxation.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

Another white woman, just for further clarification.

“The term ‘black site’ as a place for terrorists and the black and white funeral-home problem and the Senator Coffin guy, all this is twisted shit designed by white people to put down the black man and put negative connotations on people of color everywhere,” said a passing drunk who stumbled into the Inebriated office and was instantly hired as an Op-Ed columnist.  “We’ve made progress, that’s true, because we’re damned good and have won our way up.  But bullshit prejudice still needs to be fought and affirmative action is needed to help offset the crap that still goes on.  But it doesn’t need to be funded by mandatory taxation from income.  A nationwide sex tax would easily cover the affirmative action costs, and it would be better because sex is voluntary.  People will be okay with spending a few bucks for sex when they want to have it.  Think about the benefits of that kind of program.  Each time some people have sex they’re helping strengthen society and giving some minority an education and lifting them out of poverty and giving them a chance.  Kind of makes you want to have sex for all kinds of reasons.  Makes prostitutes more like social workers than they already are.”

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

Hey buddy, what to share your meat? You can take that both ways.

In other news, Reuters reported last Tuesday that human females may get offended at dates who expect sex after they buy them a steak dinner, but for chimpanzees, the exchange may be a fair one, German researchers reported. They found that female chimpanzees mate more frequently with males who often share meat with them. “Our results strongly suggest that wild chimpanzees exchange meat for sex, and do so on a long-term basis,” Cristina Gomes of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany said in a statement. “Males who shared meat with females doubled their mating success, whereas females, who had difficulty obtaining meat on their own, increased their caloric intake without suffering the energetic costs and potential risk of injury related to hunting.” No word on how the chimps feel about a sex tax but so far none have been confused with either black men or white women.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

CIA will decommission detention ‘black sites’
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2009/04/10/cia_will_decommission_detention_black_sites/

No sex tax in Nevada
http://www.wbbm780.com/No-sex-tax-in-Nevada/4180028

Suit over father’s cremation seeks $2.7 million
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6365252.html

For chimps, candy is dandy but steak is quicker
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090408/sc_nm/us_chimps_dinner_1

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Q&A with Bob & Joan: Are Conservatives Just Whiners?

“The Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
April 8, 2009

Q.

Bob,

You conservatives have been complaining a lot about the Obama administration and the trillions of dollars he and the Democrat Congress are spending, and how they’re removing power and freedom from American citizens.  You live in a representative form of government, why don’t you just write to your Congressional leaders and tell them what you want?  They’ll do what you ask and everything will be fine.

Quit whining you dumb bastard.

Hugs and kisses,

Joan

A.

My Dearest Joan,

Your contemplation on the plight of we conservatives touches me deeply and your suggestion that we write our Congressional leaders and explain the nature of common sense to them, are warm and gentle words of encouragement to we poor huddled logical-thinking bastards.  Alas it falls to me to be the bearer of news unaccustomed to your ears – gentle, pink and thoughtful though they may be.  And yes, though I’d rather lay my head upon your soft shoulder and contemplate honeysuckle and cleavage, such is not my mandate.  I must speak honestly to you about our challenge.

You see, many of us have sucked it up and in the moments after working long hours, have written missives of encouragement to our Congressional leaders, mostly in kind and gentle and thoughtful terms, requesting that they pull their heads out of their collective asses long enough to get some fresh air and start thinking straight.  And as is my own case, I am represented by mostly Republican types who have voted against Comrade Obama’s massive budget and spending plans.  I have written them words of encouragement and an occasional suggestion and must tell you that they have done well, but are a minority.

Comrade Obama and his minions control the White House and both Houses of Congress.  And try though we have, they continue to tell us to go screw ourselves, mostly using those words or suggestions along those lines.  And since they are our leaders, we have given it fair consideration, but believe it will not alleviate the overspending, growing government bureaucracy, higher taxes and fear of inflation which has us all pissed off to begin with.

And so my fine and gentle Joan, I must tell you that despite our best efforts, we remain hosed.

I hope this finds you happy, well, and smooth and fuzzy in the places you wish to be.

With warm feelings oozing out all over,

Bob

Note from Gallup:

Subject: From Gallup.Com: Obama Approval Rating Stable, Polarized
Date: Tue, Apr 7, 2009 at 3:40 PM

Barack Obama’s job approval rating has been highly stable, averaging 62% for the past week and for all of March. There is a wide partisan divide in evaluations of him between Democrats (90%) and Republicans (27%) — a gap that has grown over time.

Read more at GALLUP.com.

“The first question is not whether government is good or evil, but whether government is coercive — whether government relies on force to fill its coffers, enforce its commands, and impose its will.  To get a clear understanding of the pervasive use and threat of force in daily government actions is the first step towards political realism … Taxation is not a mere technicality to be relegated to the footnotes of political science and public administration.  Taxation goes to the heart of the relation of the citizen to the State: the higher the taxation, the greater the subjugation — the more that politicians are preempting individuals from building their own lives.  Every increase in taxation is a proclamation that government knows best, and thus that politicians are entitled to commandeer more of the individuals paycheck and save him from himself.”

– Jame Bovard
“Freedom in Chains: The Rise of the State and the Demise of the Citizen”(C) 1999 St. Martins Press

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s Have Wild Night in Lincoln Bedroom

> New Leader starts “Hump Around the White House Tour”
> “Reflect on your life,” Abe Lincoln tells Barack

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 31, 2009

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

President and First Lady Barack and Michelle Obama have been sleeping in a different room of the White House every night, with the goal of making-out in every one.  That’s the word from Inebriated Press tabloid reporter Inga Telouise-Frelove, who slipped a little cash to one of the White House staffers so they’d spill the beans.

“They’ve already made-out in the Oval Office and in the Bush’s old bedroom.  They’d been having a hell of a good time according to staffers, that is until they did the Lincoln Bedroom,” said Telouise-Frelove, reading from her notes and pausing to slam an occasional shot of Jack Daniels.  “They were going at it pretty heavy in the Lincoln Bedroom when Michelle let out a scream and shouted that Abraham Lincoln was standing beside the bed.  At first Barack thought she was having a fantasy about making out with Lincoln like she did Teddy Roosevelt earlier in the week, and kept banging away, but when she threw him into a pole lamp and his dick got caught in the fixture he realized something else was going on.  I only know all this is true because the staffer who told me all this is in charge of in-house spying and bedroom-bugging.”

Someone named Inga

Someone named Inga

According to Telouise-Frelove the White House staffer said that several Obama aids ran to the locked bedroom after Michelle started screaming, and heard Barack yell out “what do you want, you crazy black -hat -wearing bastard, and why are you staring at my wife’s tits?”  Staffers say they heard another man’s voice say, “Reflect on your life Obama. If I’d known the first black president in the White House would be a Socialist, I’d have thought twice about emancipation, and might not have gotten my brains blown out by that damn actor.  You’d better start fighting for individual freedom and less government, not more taxes and less liberty, you dumb shit.”

Not everyone thinks Lincoln appeared to the Obama’s or spoke to them.  “Lincoln is dead and buried, along with his ideals and common sense.  They no longer have a place in the White House, or the Federal Government for that matter,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff and all around low-life son-of-a-bitch (or so we’ve heard).  “Fairness, equality and liberty, opportunity to develop oneself from personal initiative, these are all hateful concepts of oppression foisted upon the common man by conservatives and Republicans who fail to understand the beauty of central power and income redistribution.  Barack has no reason to reflect on his life, I’ll continue to help him define it as we go.  There’s serious shit to do here, and there’s no place for ghosts or a president who starts doubting himself and has his dick caught in the furniture.”

Lincoln Bedroom

Lincoln Bedroom

The Obama’s have both denied that the Lincoln Bedroom saga ever happened or that they are on a “Hump Around the White House Tour”.  Speaking outdoors at the Obama Organic Garden yesterday, Michelle said she and Barack are respectful of the White House and have enjoyed exploring it, but do not engage in lewd behavior there.  “Besides,” she said, “until Baracks’ dick heals we’re pretty much just watching American Idol reruns at night.”

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

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Will Obama save the porn industry?

> Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
> Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
> Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009

Inebriated Press \ Bare-Ass News Division
January 12, 2009

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

Please, this girl needs your help ... for just pennies a day ...

The economic downturn has many companies looking for ways to survive, and those in the adult-entertainment industry are also finding it’s not always easy to shake a recession.

As president-elect Barack Obama unzips the U.S. Treasury’s fly and prepares to blast government bail-out money at his supporters and anyone else willing to back Democrats throughout the new century, Hustler Magazine’s Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis say it’s time to tuck some green-backs into the g-strings of the adult entertainment industry too. According to MSNBC the economy has hurt the pay-for-porn industry and sales of XXX DVD’s are down 22 percent. Flynt and Francis say they want $5 billion from the government.

Cash strapped businessmen

Cash strapped businessmen

Joe Francis says “the economy has made America’s appetite for sex go limp.” And Flynt said that Congress must “rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America.” Meanwhile MSNBC reported in a separate story, that “trendy sex is over in 2009.” Writer Brian Alexander said trendy-sex is done because of over-kill. He says the erotic over-load has been especially heavy on the Internet where medium is mistaken for thought. He says a lot of sex on the Web is there simply because we can put it there. Once you get over the idea that the guy with the studded leather strap around his scrotum who is doing the ironing under his wife’s stern supervision looks suspiciously like your seventh-grade science teacher (Hi, Mr. Grunwald!), much of it just isn’t very interesting.

090112-hustler1“We are sold sex the way we are sold giant flat-screen TVs, computers and beer,” writes Alexander. “Sex is like Times Square, filled with Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin, and if you fly to Paris and walk down the Champs-Elysees you will find Sephora and Disney and Nike and Virgin. We live in a kitschy world. Sex has now been completely subsumed into it. As a result of such overkill, there’s an atmosphere of ennui seeping into ‘trendy’ sex. Porn companies are scaling back.”

FriendFinder Networks, the family of sex hookup sites that was purchased by Penthouse Media, has been losing millions and is at risk of going out of business. Edgier sex writers at publications like The Village Voice and Wired.com have quit or lost their jobs. Alexander says his prediction does not ratify a phony moral revival. The end of sex trendiness has a lot to do with the fact that efforts to enforce religion-based sexual conservatism are over, too, at least for now. Defiance helped animate the rise of sex trends. With less force pushing in, there will be less force pushing out. Neither does it mean we are about to stop having sex, or trying things new to us, nor will we stop needing solid information about sex or having fun exploring it. Rather, people are going to choose their own sexual paths but not talk about it so much. Some will choose abstinence until marriage and monogamy and intercourse strictly for procreation. Others will experiment and explore.

090112girlsgonewildWhere does that leave Flynt and Francis? Banging away at the federal trough and hoping Bill Clinton will put in a good word for them after having some fond memories of blue dresses casually stained in the Oval Office? Or maybe it’s just the publicity that they want — and are getting — that will encourage the free-loaders to start spending on their products? Either way they’ve raised their … um … voices, just like other tax paying firms looking for a hand-out — bankers, automobile companies, insurance companies, investment firms, and other players from major industries. And what the heck, they may get it. American’s just elected a first term Democrat Senator with no management experience who says he’s going to spend trillions of un-earned dollars for years into the future, so the economy will recover from all the bad spending habits of the Republicans.

Will the federal government write Larry Flynt a stimulus check? It doesn’t seem likely, but stranger things have happened.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Porn industry feeling pain as expo hits Vegas
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/jan/08/porn-industry-feeling-pain-expo-hits-vegas/

Flynt, Francis Want $5 Billion Porn Bailout
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28545081/

Porn industry seeks own stimulus … package
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28549145/

Prediction: Trendy sex is over in 2009
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28541939

Note: Brian Alexander is the author of the book “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction,” now in paperback.

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Sell the Kids for Lipo, Buy Burger-Scented Cologne, and Trade your Fireworks for Sex

> Woman sells sons for $13,000 to fund liposuction
> Burger King announces new meat-scented cologne
> Italian women say no sex if husbands set off fireworks over Christmas

Inebriated Press
December 18, 2008

Fireworks or not?

Fireworks or not?

Fox News reported Sunday that a Belgian mother sold her newborn twins for $13,000 so she could pay for her liposuction – a fat removal procedure.  And the UK Telegraph reported yesterday on the newest in Christmas gift-giving: just in time to help you with that hard-to-shop-for person on your list, Burger King is offering flame-broiled-meat-scented cologne.  Meanwhile, United Press International reported that a group of women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season.  Pundits are debating the ethics of selling your children to fund cosmetic surgery, the attractiveness of smelling like fast food, and why Italian women resent men who blow stuff up for holiday fun.

“It is wrong for women to sell the kids for cash and deny sex to men who like explosives, but it is appropriate for men to smell like meat products as long as it’s not pork,” said Muhammad Hussein, a Middle Eastern patriot who murders infidels with impunity, thereby displaying his exemplary religious principles. “It is up to the men to decide if the children should be sold and whom or what to blow up for religious holidays or other occasions.  Women should know their place and remain subservient to men in sex and all things.  Israel and the West must be crushed in order to establish the holy Muslim Caliphate so al Qaeda and Taliban styled Sharia law will govern world-wide.  Only then can we solve the worlds many problems.  Now let’s go blow some stuff up.  My five wives will still have sex with me afterward.”

Sex or not?

Sex or not?

Not everyone agrees with Hussein.  “Jeeze Louise, Mabel, no one should be selling children for any purpose and although trading sex for fireworks sounds crazy, what the heck, you do what works,” said Heather Gramm-Cracker, a pale blonde actress who sells herself for various reasons, but tends to avoid children and the scent of fast food.  “And I wouldn’t buy anyone Burger King cologne, there’s nobody but maybe a big stock-holder who would want that.  And then only for scent-of-money reasons.  I don’t know about wearing scent-of-a-burger perfumes.  I like meat in many forms, but not for the smell.  I may be wild and crazy but smelling like meat is getting out there a bit too far even for me.”

Fox News reported that a mother in the Belgian tourist haven of Ghent has been accused by her estranged husband of selling her newborn twin boys for more than $13,000 to pay for cosmetic surgery. Marc Poppe, 48, told an undercover reporter for Dutch television that Sonia Ringoir, 31, had sold the babies to a friend to fund liposuction, the fat removal procedure. He said the couple had searched the Internet to find a quick way to make money: “It was financially attractive to us. Of course we wouldn’t do it for nothing.” Since Belgium has no law banning the sale of children, Ringoir was charged with “degrading treatment” of the twins. She was also charged with fraud after a Dutch couple alleged she had conned them by falsely offering to be a surrogate mother. If convicted, she could face between one month and five years in jail.

Before & After Selling the Kids

Before & After Selling the Kids

The Telegraph reported that the American fast-food chain Burger King, has come up with a novel Christmas gift idea for the meat-loving man who has everything: barbecue-scented cologne. Just in time for the festive season, the company has released its very own men’s body spray, Flame. Not recommended for vegetarians, Flame is being promoted as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”. Flame is on sale for the credit crunch-busting sum of just $3.99 (£2.65), suggesting the Burger King promotions department has realized their contribution to the fragrance market might work best as a novelty stocking-filler. Flame was launched this week in a selection of US stores and even has its own website, the appropriately named firemeetsdesire.com. The site proudly proclaims to prospective buyers: “The Whopper sandwich is America’s favorite burger,” before going on to extol the virtues of a perfume that smells like cooked meat.

United Press International reported that a group of more than 40 women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season. Dr. Vincenzo Sorrentino said the idea for the committee of women pledging to withhold sex came after years of injuries and deaths resulting from Christmastime fireworks. “We’ve tried everything to stop the mayhem caused by fireworks but we’ve never reached the results we hoped for,” Sorrentino said. “We decided to get women involved because they are more convincing and they always achieve their goals.” Carolina Staiano, 42, the head of the women’s committee, said her own father was seriously injured years ago by exploding fireworks. “So far we’ve had more than 30 women join up and we’re hoping for more,” she said Friday. “We’re fed up with these stupid annual massacres. This time they’re just going to have to choose: sex or fireworks.”

Scent of Meat

Scent of Meat

Some people say that sex and fireworks represent the essence of human nature and in many ways, of life itself.

“Aspects of procreation and abstract forms of violence make up the last million years of human history and each play a critical role in forming both civilization and the ongoing struggle of the human race against oppression and godless nature,” said an Inebriated reporter, quoting no one in particular and clinging to a bottle of Jack Daniels as though his life depended on it.  “Ever since Eden we’ve tried to be our own gods and have been screwing and blowing up shit with reckless abandon.  Maybe we should just slap on some meat scent and sit in a circle and wait for the bears to come.  On the other hand, trading fireworks for sex doesn’t sound too bad.  I just might try that.”

In other news, the Sydney Morning Herald has reported that forty-six percent of women who took part in an online research poll would rather go without sex for two weeks than give up access to the internet for the same period of time. Ninety-five per cent of those surveyed said it is “very important, important or somewhat important” to be able to access the internet. Sixty-five per cent rated internet access above other discretionary spending items such as cable television subscriptions (39 per cent), dining out (20 per cent), shopping for clothes (18 per cent) or a health club membership (10 per cent). No word on where liposuction and fireworks rank, but it’s a good bet that internet access will kick the ass of Burger King cologne, even if it does have “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat”.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Rogue Stem Cell Clinics, Abortion Gift Certificates, and Time Traveling

Clinics exploit hope with unproven stem cell therapies
Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates for the holidays
Scientists snatch supernova echo from the 1500’s

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
December 5, 2008

081205-rogue-clinicsReuters reported yesterday that rogue clinics around the world are exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a new report. And the Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments during the holidays, to be used for buying contraceptives or paying for abortions.  Meanwhile, Scientific American reported yesterday that scientists at the Subaru Telescope say they’ve traveled into the past and seen echoes of an event witnessed by astronomer Tycho Brahe in 1572.  Pundits are debating whether society is going forward, backward, or if it’s just more of the same, but with a high tech flavor.

Supernova

Supernova

“‘Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account’ — Solomon wrote that in Ecclesiastes, and he knew what he was talking about way before snake-oil salesmen plied their trade with unproven elixir they said would heal all your ills — the same as the stem cell people are doing today,” said Rachael Ray-Fiberglass, a part-time chef and full-time auto-body repair expert, who likes cooking up fun in old Chevy’s.  “There’s nothing new about what’s going on in today’s world. It’s as old as human nature itself.  I have little doubt that the Aztec’s handed out certificates that gave benefits to citizens who sacrificed their children for the holidays, and we know scams of all kinds have been going on forever.  People elected Obama for his change mantra and now he’s stocking the cupboards with Clintonites.  Nothing new is going on here.  Sure the country has moved further left and we’ll get higher taxes and a weaker military, but that’s been a Democrat thing for years. Everything is the same, only the trappings are different.”

Germany 1945

Germany 1945

Not everyone agrees with Ray-Fiberglass.  “Today’s civilization has advanced well beyond the barbaric days of snake oil and artery bleeding for healing, and no free woman should have to carry an unwanted child to term; we’ve outgrown old modalities. For crying out loud get over it,” said Angel Golden-Rapunzel, who looks like her first name and frequently makes men drool but never notices.  “We should be using every tool and technology at our disposal to advance medicine and social enjoyment, by altering our genes, relaxing our beliefs about genocide and the value or devaluation of human life, and get on with the creation of a new age and a master race.  Hitler was pretty aggressive and probably should have toned it down a little, but he made significant advancements toward improving humanity through proper breeding and casually getting rid of undesirables. There’s nothing to fear here.  Some old things might be new again, but they’ve been updated for the better, with a modern approach and progressive philosophy.  If we could go back in time and get Adolph’s views on things, you can bet most of today’s true scientists would do it. The guy had foresight.”

Reuters reported that rogue clinics around the world may be exploiting hope and ignorance by offering unproven stem cell therapies, a group of stem cell experts said in a report released on Wednesday. The International Society for Stem Cell Research released guidelines for researchers and regulators, and a guidebook for patients that criticized some clinics. “The International Society for Stem Cell Research is very concerned that stem cell therapies are being sold around the world before they have been proven safe and effective,” the guidelines said. “The direct-to-consumer portrayal of stem cell medicine is optimistic and unsupported by published evidence,” Timothy Caulfield of the University of Alberta and colleagues wrote. For researchers and regulators, the group advises tough oversight and independent review. “Regulators have a responsibility to prevent exploitation of patients in their jurisdictions, and where necessary, to close fraudulent clinics and take disciplinary action against the doctors involved,” said Dr. George Daley of Children’s Hospital Boston.

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

Abortion at 10 weeks, Kansas 2008

The Chicago Tribune reported that Planned Parenthood is offering gift certificates in $25 increments available online and at 35 Indiana clinics, which can be used for health services, contraceptives and abortions. Betty Cockrum, president and CEO of Planned Parenthood of Indiana, characterizes the response to the gift certificates as “pretty robust, and generally very favorable.” She estimates that “about a dozen” certificates have sold since they became available Nov. 25. Planned Parenthood of Illinois plans to sell similar gift certificates starting Monday. PPIN’s move has enraged various anti-abortion organizations. Jim Sedlak, vice president of the American Life League and executive director of Stop Planned Parenthood, a group based in Stafford, Va., condemns the certificates as a continuation of Planned Parenthood’s “annual attacks on the Christian community at Christmastime.”
 

Time or Space?

Time or Space?

Scientific American reported that it’s not every day we get a chance to time travel. But astronomers say they’ve done a little traveling into the past. In November of 1572, legendary astronomer Tycho Brahe peered up at the night sky. He saw what looked like a strangely bright star in the constellation Cassiopeia. It was brighter even than the nearby planet Venus. He studied that bright new star for five months, until it faded away. But what Brahe saw wasn’t a new star. It was actually an old star undergoing the brilliantly bright death of a supernova. Scientists at the Subaru Telescope in Japan recently analyzed what could be called echoes of this more than 400-year-old event. Light from the original supernova bounced off dust particles in the interstellar clouds and eventually reached us here on earth more than four centuries later. They published their research in the December 4th issue of the journal Nature.

Some people say that whether light is old or new, shedding some of it on current trends with a bit of common sense gleaned from history, is the best way to advance society.

Misunderstood visionary leader

Misunderstood visionary leader

“We need to use caution when we begin to protect heinous killers on death row, and terrorists who indiscriminately behead those they disagree with, because we call ourselves civilized; but then create human embryos and destroy them for the stem cells, or destroy them because they are inconvenient or imperfect,” said a passing troll, often mistaken for a Republican right-winger.  “I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place to consider this, but when we become casual about it, and we shuffle genes and weak or powerless members of society like so many playing cards, we begin to walk a path where taking the lives of the innocent to benefit those in control leads to oppression and an authoritarian version of utopia.  Protection of the sick and the weak is what makes society what it is. It’s where we derive compassion and understand unconditional love.  Improvement through change can be made, but costs and tradeoffs are always present.  Abandoning love of life with both its strengths and weaknesses, and replacing it with economic or socially engineered efficiency and design, ultimately becomes oppressive and totalitarian.  Oh what the hell, hand me the Jack Daniels, I’ve had enough of this shit for one day.”

Curves that hurt

Curves that hurt

In other news, Sweden’s The Local reported Wednesday, that a Swedish woman injured in a car accident has had her disability benefits withdrawn after the country’s social insurance agency determined her large bust was to blame for the pain. “My breasts have been large since I got them. But I didn’t have any problems with pain before the car accident,” Jessica Andersson said. Andersson learned last week that the Swedish Social Insurance Agency was cancelling disability payments for whiplash injuries she suffered in a car accident six years ago. The agency’s decision comes following an assessment from a doctor suggesting that Andersson could return to work if she had breast reduction surgery. Andersson is currently considering an appeal of the ruling to have her payments withdrawn. No word on whether she got her boobs naturally or from a rogue clinic, but sometimes personal change, just like society’s, hurts as much as it helps.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Booby Traps, Money Saving Sex, and Muslim P.R.

Women with chloroform on their boobs knock out and rob men
Britons ‘saving money with sex’
Muslims worry about image after Mumbai terrorism

Inebriated Press
December 3, 2008

Thieving Cleavage

Thieving Cleavage

Agence France Presse reported last week that a gang of robbers in Uganda have been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious and rob them. And BBC News reported Monday that as the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time.  Meanwhile Associated Press reported Sunday that many Muslims say they are worried that the carnage in Mumbai, India, brought on by Islamic militants may cause people to have negative feelings about their religion. Some pundits are debating the benefits of sex to save money or acquire it, while others ponder the notion that Muslims could gain positive public relations if they’d just stop killing people they disagree with.

“You don’t have to give away sex as a religion to gain popularity, or even use sex as a come-on to get good publicity. In most cases, not killing innocent people indiscriminately in public will be perceived as a good thing,” said Ahem Bacon, a religious expert and former Muslim who was persecuted because of his last name.  “If mainstream Muslims will come out against the terroristic behavior of people in their faith — and that includes coming out against Hamas, Al Qaeda, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hezbollah, the PLO, the rioters who protested cartoons in Demark, plus the legions of other Muslim whacko’s like them — maybe infidels who want to live safe and quiet lives will think better of them.  Of course if they’d open a few ‘Arabian Knight Hot-Babe Harem’ strip clubs or offer money-saving sex it wouldn’t hurt either, but that’s probably a stretch.”

Mubai Attack

Mubai Attack

Not everyone agrees with Bacon.  “No one named Bacon carries any weight in the area of religion or Sharia law, and such talk should be banned, and such people who suggest a Muslim speak against another Muslim for any reason, should be beheaded as should all infidels, god willing,” said Musomad High-Top Lincoln-Logg, a fair weather friend and scholar often confused with a thug.  “There should be no talk of sex or breasts unless the Muslim elders offer female children to tribal leaders for such occasions, then its fine.  Our laws allow men to do whatever they want and require women to be subservient on all occasions.  This is gods’ way and we will religiously enforce that among our people and eventually upon all tolerant civilizations who must ultimately bend to our will.  The Taliban and Al Qaeda display the true way for us to follow, and with the help of Saudi money we will continue to expand across Europe and America until we have obtained the greatest peace for all, as civilization comes under our thumb.  No more boobies or money saving sex for you unless you’re a member of our clan!”

Associated Press reported that ten gunmen attacked 10 targets in the three-day assault including a Jewish community center and luxury hotels in India’s commercial hub. More than 170 people were killed. Muslims from the Middle East to Britain and Austria condemned the Mumbai shooting rampage by Islamic militants as senseless terrorism, but also found themselves on the defensive once again about bloodshed linked to their religion. Intellectuals and community leaders called for greater efforts to combat religious fanaticism. Indian police said Sunday that the only surviving gunman told them he belongs to the Pakistani militant group Lashkar-e-Taiba. The group is reported to have links with al-Qaida.

Muslim wrought carnage

Muslim wrought carnage

Many Muslims said they are worried such carnage is besmirching their religion. In Britain, home to nearly two million Muslims, a spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain, Inayat Bunglawala, said that “a handful of terrorists like this bring the entire faith into disrepute.” However, in Islamic Web forums, some praised the Mumbai attacks, including the targeting of Jews. A man identified as Sheik Youssef al-Ayeri said the killings are in line with Islam. In the Gaza Strip, the territory’s Islamic militant Hamas rulers declined comment. Hamas has carried out scores of suicide attacks in Israel, killing hundreds of civilians in recent years. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad referred to the attacks as terrorism, but added that the violence is rooted in “unjust policies.” The Saudi Press Agency said that it “strongly condemns and denounces this criminal act.” However, Jonathan Fighel, an Israeli counterterrorism expert, said Saudi organizations have been funneling money to Muslim militants in Kashmir. “This demonstrates exactly the double game and, I would say, the hypocrisy of the Saudi regime,” said Fighel.

Money saving technique

Money saving technique

BBC News reported that a YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping. The article said that as the credit crunch bites, Britons are turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time. The Scots were most amorous with 43% choosing sex over other pastimes, compared with 35% in South England. Aids charity the Terrence Higgins Trust, which published the survey, also welcomed recent figures showing an increase in condom sales. Around one in 10 respondents to the survey, carried in November, said their favorite free activity was window shopping and 6% chose going to a museum as the cheapest way to pass the time. But the sexes differed on their priorities, with women preferring to gossip with friends while men had sex firmly at the top of their list. 
 

Unsafe cleavage

Unsafe cleavage

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported that Uganda’s police are warning male bar-goers to be careful after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious. “They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP. “You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.” Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter. While early investigations suggest that the gang may consist of dozens of members, the source of the sedatives remains unknown.

Some people say that sex and sedatives are the best way to combat fear of Islamofascism.

“Our increasingly ‘progressive’ and ‘tolerant’ Western societies are bending over backwards to accommodate intolerant and hateful Muslim religion while suppressing traditional Christian-Judeo faiths and even use of the words ‘Merry Christmas’ during the holiday season; and since the U.S. has decided to move further to the left by electing Obama, I guess the best we can do now is have lots of cheap sex and take plenty of heavy sedatives to remain calm and relaxed,” said someone claiming to be Doctor Joyce Brothers, an old pop psychologist drug out for all occasions.  “So forget being afraid and embrace a new fearless lifestyle, heck forget worrying about safe sex or radical Muslims and all the rest. They’re just alternative life-styles. We really should be more tolerant you know.  What’s a few beheadings, public massacres or a couple of STD’s?  No worries mate. Get it on.”

Dr Groper

Dr Groper

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported that Dr Parag Bhatt, 44, fondled the breasts of six female patients at his surgery over a five-month period, a court has heard. One woman went in with a suspected broken finger and had her breast massaged, while the GP groped another patient with one hand as he worked on a computer, it was alleged. One complainant was a 17-year-old who had dry skin around her nipple. Bhatt told her to take her bra off and lie on the couch. He started to play with her breasts with his fingers around her nipples and was breathing heavily. The doctor was arrested on October 4 last year. The hearing continues. No word on whether other doctors feel Bhatt may be hurting the image of their profession, but reports out of the mammography wing indicate plenty of boob pressing and grabbing is still going on unabated.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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