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The Real Bailout Problem

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Your Guide To Holiday Romance

John Carney
Rise If You Must

It’s that time of year when even the most independent of lads can get a little desperate for more companionship than one can find in the bottom of a bottle of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey. If I thought it would make any difference, I’d tell you that you should avoid becoming involved with the lasses during this season. It’s just too dangerous, and will almost certainly lead to disaster. But it wouldn’t make a difference. These winter nights are too long and too cold to avoid the urge to spend them with someone shorter and warmer.

So, instead, I offer you this guide to holiday romance. One type of girl to avoid for each day from now until 2009.

1. Avoid any girl who has lots of overly-enthusiastic followers on tumblr. She’s an attention whore.

2. Avoid dating a girl just because she is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?

3. Avoid girl who tells you she she is on a cleanse. She hates herself.

4. Avoid Kirsten Dunst. She’s a walking time-bomb.

5. Avoid any girl who frequently blog about her sex life. You know how that one goes.

6. Avoid any girl who works for a Hearst magazine. She’s about to lose her job and you’ll have to pay for everything.

7. Avoid any girl who really likes girls who blog about their sex lives. She’s just too lazy to ruin your name right now. She’ll find a way later.

8. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.

9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.

10. Avoid any girl who follows you on twitter. She’s already stalking you.

11. Avoid any girl who smells too nice all the time. There’s something strange happening.

12. Avoid any girl who smokes heavier cigarettes than you. You’re already her bitch.

13. Avoid any girl who is a DJ. She’ll make you listen to her terrible music.

14. Avoid any girl who didn’t like “Once.” She’s dead inside.

15. Avoid girls whose clothes are all retro, period costumes. Just trust me on this.

16. Avoid ballerinas. She’s too flexible and you’ll just wind up hurting yourself.

17. Avoid any girl with more tattoos than you. She’ll never respect you.

18. Avoid any girl who is still angry because her last boyfriend cheated on her. You’ll cheat on her too.

19. Avoid any girl who lives within two blocks of you. It’s too soon for that kind of proximity.

20. Avoid any girl you meet in the basement of Lit. That’s also Kirstin Dunst and she’s high as a kite.

21. Avoid any girl with tattoos in Chinese. Unless, of course, she’s from China.

22. Avoid any girl who drives in NYC. She’s already proven she’s a nutcase.

23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she’s figured out guys. She hasn’t. She’ll fuck everything up all the while thinking she’s very clever about men.

24. Avoid any girl who wears jewelry given to her by her ex-boyfriend on your first date. She is still in love with him, and only him, and will still be wondering why no-one else ever gives her anything nice when she’s living with six cats and getting her meals on wheels.

25. Avoid any girl who tells you she hates her ex-boyfriend. She hates herself.

26. Avoid any girl with a bad haircut. She spends enormous amounts of time and money on her hair and if it is still fucked, she’s incurable.

27. Avoid any girl with poor hygiene or too much hair where too much hair doesn’t belong on women. If you ever attempt to help her out on this score, she’ll hate you for it. And then she’ll take all your advice and look great for the next guy she sleeps with.

28. Avoid any girl who is “microfamous.” Her name is Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.

29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. She’s got commitment issues, and since you’re an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.

30. Avoid any girl on anti-psychotics. She’ll go off her meds one day and plant a corkscrew in your ribcage.

31. Avoid any girl who has dated a website founder. That’s also Julia Allison and you’ll end up on Gawker.

32. Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates. She should be on anti-psychotics.

33. Avoid any girl who doesn’t drink. Do I need to say anything else here?

34. Avoid any girl who is really, really into tanning. You’ll end up on Hot Girls and Douchebags.

35. Avoid any girl who won’t make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.

36. Avoid any girl whose best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. Together they are a committee of manhaters and you are the next target for hate.

37. Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.

38. Avoid any girl who talks about her father on her first date. She’ll demand you spend the night at her place but will only want to cuddle.

39. Avoid any girl who won’t kiss you if your breath smells like whiskey. She has oral-purity issues that are undesirable.

40. Avoid any girl who wants to monopolize your time on New Year’s Eve. The night is too wrought with emotions and memories. Spend time with as many different people as possible or else stay home and alternate heroin and absinthe until you pass out at twenty till midnight. Also, she’s probably on ritalin and won’t share it.

41. Avoid any girl who won’t wear a skirt in winter. The winter is too long as it is without having to do without legs. You’ll end up in the stairwell of a Christmas party making out with a girl in skirt.

42. Avoid any girl who cries when she’s drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.

43. Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. You will destroy each other.

44. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.

45. Avoid any girl you’ve dated before. Pace Friedrich, if the first time is tragedy, the second time will just be worse.

46. Avoid any girl in a headband. She’s a slave to fashion and will try to make you use expensive hair-products.

47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.

48. Avoid any girl who you never found attractive before but suddenly looks hot. You’re drunk.

49. Avoid any girl who tells you she wasn’t interested in you when you first met but has now developed feelings for you. She’s just been dumped and is desperate.

50. Avoid any girl who buys you shoes for Christmas. You will return them for ones you like and she’ll hate you forever.

52. Avoid any girl you meet at an office party. She is your boss’s wife and wants to hurt him.

53. Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She’s out of your league.

54. Avoid any girl you meet near the Conde Nast building. She’s writing a book and you are going to be in it if you don’t watch out.

Bonus Round: Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. She’s got your number.

[Apologies to the obvious candidates. You know who you are.]

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National Holiday for Obama, ‘Bonk’ Billboards, and Radioactive Beer Kegs

Supporters in Kansas rally for a National Holiday to Honor Obama
Erectile dysfunction treatment billboards say “Bonk longer!”
Recycled radioactive materials get into beer kegs, purses, and hand tools

Inebriated Press
November 14, 2008

Light-bringer of Redistribution

Light-bringer of Redistribution

The Boston Herald reported Tuesday that Barack Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor.”  Meanwhile NineMSN-Australia reported on Monday, a company that had its erectile dysfunction treatment billboards banned due to complaints over the “Do you want longer lasting sex?” slogan, has replaced them with a new slogan: “Bonk Longer!”.  And Bloomberg informed the world Tuesday, that recycled metals from India and China containing radioactive materials, are finding their way into products shipped to the U.S.; among them are purses, cutlery, hand tools and even beer kegs. Pundits debate celebrating untested politicians who have recycled socialist ideas that may be radioactive to the economy, and ponder the benefits of glow-in-the dark beer, and road signs that talk Bonk.

“In a world where perception is reality, and a well conceived and managed public relations and marketing campaign can change perception over-night, it makes sense that our country would declare a national holiday for a man who has yet to finish his first term in the US Senate and whose major accomplishment to-date has been to get himself elected president. Because our perception is now different, reality has changed — just like Barack said it would — we have hopes and dreams and that means we already have change.  We should get some radioactive beer and start handing out erectile dysfunction tablets and party on!” exclaimed a mental giant who works part-time at the 7-Eleven, and contemplates income redistribution the way some men do bonking.  “When Barack’s in office I won’t have to worry about my house payment or buying gas for my car or who’s going to pay for my Viagra.  He’s going to make sure that I get everything I want.  When I think about that, I get Chris Matthew sized tingles that go right up my spine and I almost don’t even need med’s to get it on.  Zowie!”

“Yes We Can”

“Yes We Can”

Not everyone is climbing onto the Obama National Holiday train or eyeing financial advancement through income redistribution.  “I’ve been busting my ass running my lawn and garden shop for fifteen years.  I started with nothing, borrowed the money to get going, worked like a slave and today I’m modestly successful, and now Obama plans to take half my income and give it unconditionally to others.  Why would I celebrate a national holiday to honor someone who promises to do that?” asked Hapless Voter, a biped who apparently evolved into an honest hard working citizen, but for reasons unknown didn’t evolve a liberal mindset allowing him to be happy when the government takes his stuff indiscriminately.  “I already pay high taxes, I give over 10% of my income to charity, and volunteer my time to several civic groups and my church.  If the government forcibly takes my money, I’ll have less of it for discretionary giving.  The government is removing my choice, taking the sweat of my brow to do with it whatever it wants, because Obama says a politician’s choices are better than mine.  Explain to me why he’s right and I’m wrong?  I haven’t drunk enough radioactive beer to think that makes any sense.”

The Boston Herald reported that some Obama supporters in Kansas are organizing “Yes We Can” rallies to “secure a national holiday in Obama’s honor,” according to the Topeka Capitol-Journal. They also plan to serve “Obama cake” at the local McDonald’s during the swearing-in. Obama fans have fainted at his campaign events. Harvard academics want George Bush and Dick Cheney to resign immediately. His transition team co-chair told Tom Brokaw she wants President-elect Obama ready “to take power and begin to rule day one.” Was this a presidential election, or a regime change?  The article went on to say, Obama could only muster 52.6 percent of the vote, even after the Wall Street meltdown and outspending John McCain by $100 million in the last weeks of the campaign. The author wrote it was a solid win, but hardly historic.

The Boston Herald writer went on to say even his mother-in-law, smitten with Obama fever said, “This was more than an election, Obama’s going to change things. Really change things.”  He said she could be right. Obama could be a transformational figure, a transcendent being, perhaps even (as his most fervent followers believe) a “light-bringer” who will change the entire world. What we do know is that Obama is a politician. He’s been one since at least 1996, when he knocked his own mentor off the ballot and took her state Senate seat. He’s a politician who voted “present” 130 times rather than vote “yes” or “no” on tough issues. He’s a politician who made Siamese twins of Bush and McCain, two pols at odds for eight years. And you know what President-elect Obama is going to do? Act like a politician, of course.

NineMSN-Australia reported that Advanced Medical Institute’s latest billboard has “Bonk longer!” written in big red letters, a response to the censoring of their similar-looking “Want longer lasting sex?” posters that were outlawed by the Advertising Standards Bureau in August. Despite prompting over 220 complaints from their original campaign, the AMI believes the new promotion will be more acceptable. “I think that people who understand the word ‘bonk’ understand it, and the ones who don’t, don’t,” said AMI spokesman Dr Chris Fenton. About 50 percent of men suffer some form of erectile problem, the AMI says. Currently, only 11 percent seek treatment. The company’s primary product, a drug delivered by nasal spray, costs at least $50 per week.
  

The best beer glows

The best beer glows

Bloomberg reported that improper disposal of industrial equipment and medical scanners containing radioactive materials is letting nuclear waste trickle into scrap smelters, contaminating consumer goods, threatening the $140 billion trade in recycled metal and spurring the United Nations to call for increased screening. Last year, U.S. Customs rejected 64 shipments of radioactive goods at the nation’s ports, including purses, cutlery, sinks and hand tools, according to data released by the Department of Homeland Security in response to a Freedom of Information Act request. India was the largest source, followed by China.

Bloomberg said that abandoned medical scanners, food processing devices and mining equipment containing radioactive metals such as cesium-137 and cobalt-60 are often picked up by scrap collectors and sold to recyclers, according to the International Atomic Energy Agency, the UN’s nuclear arm. Paul de Bruin, radiation safety chief for Jewometaal Stainless Processing BV in Rotterdam, the world’s biggest stainless-steel scrap yard said he sometimes finds such items hidden inside beer kegs and lead pipes to prevent detection. “Because of high scrap prices, any little piece is being sold for recycling,” said Martin Magold, who led a Geneva-based UN team that tracked radioactive metal shipments in Europe. “Alarms will go up dramatically in coming years.”

Some say a little radioactive redistribution is good for everybody.  “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” said Bertha Bigg-Bright, a self-proclaimed WWE wrestler, who says she’s secretly most women and sometimes simultaneously.  “Income redistribution, radioactive waste redistribution, putting Viagra in the water supply, all of these are progressive ideals that’ll have people earning the same income whether they work or not, and humping a lot while glowing in the dark.  We’ll use less energy for lights when we glow, and not have to get prescriptions for sex med’s when they’re in the water.  We’re headed for a new age and I can’t wait.  We should declare a national holiday and get this ball rolling. Let the “light-bringer” brother lead us on! Halleluiah!”

In other news, Australia’s Herald Sun reported Tuesday that Michael Eglington, 53, went to Royal Darwin Hospital last Tuesday to have a wart removed from the base of his penis and says he could have died after an operation left him bleeding heavily and turned his penis black. He was released from the hospital but collapsed from blood loss as he rushed back to the hospital less than an hour after being discharged. The internal bleeding caused his penis and testicles to turn black – and his testicles swelled to more than three times their normal size. “I started feeling a bit warm about the groin,” he said. He said he looked down to see that he was sitting in “an inch of blood” in the chair. He used a nappy to soak up the blood as he drove back to hospital where he collapsed against the emergency counter. Royal Darwin spokeswoman Michelle Foster said the hospital would not comment until an investigation into the incident was complete. No word on whether the hospital offered him radioactive beer or erectile dysfunction med’s but sources claim they have no national holidays planned to celebrate the event.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Animal-Human Embryos OK’d, Small-Chested Drivers Dodge Ban, and One Man’s Fight to Marry a Comic Book Character

United Kingdom passes law allowing creation of animal-human embryos
Vietnam suspends plan to ban small-chested drivers
Japanese man petitions government to marry comic book character
Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008
Barack Obama and John McCain

Barack Obama and John McCain

With the eyes of the United States focused on the presidential election between Barack Obama and John McCain, and talk of freedom, socialism and a brave new world swirls around citizens ankles like autumn leaves in mid-America, the rest of the world is busy hammering out the details of human-animal cloning, small chested car drivers and human-cartoon-character weddings.

The Straights Times reported last week that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos and also ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can be harvested in order to treat them. And the Times Herald-Record reported that Vietnam’s Health Ministry, facing mounting criticism, suspended a plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. Meanwhile a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to pressure the government into allowing marriages between humans and cartoon characters. While America plays politics, other global citizens stick to business.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

“If Americans had half a brain they’d know that politics and candidates are irrelevant to the future and only clones, chest-size and cartoon characters hold the keys to power and contextual bliss in the age ahead,” said Georgia O’Malley, a former French neo-Nazi and current World-Champion Stripper-Hula-Hoopist.  “Until I won the Stripper Hula-Hoop championship after getting silicon implants, marrying a Superman comic book and cloning myself for future parts, my life had little meaning and was boring to boot.  But now I’m a winner, I’ve got a new me growing for parts in Britain and I have a chest that gives me the right to drive in Vietnam.  I can read my husband like the comic book he is, and have renewed freedom and confidence in a worldwide spiritual awakening lead by Barack Obama.  It’s true that I still can’t find my socks and forget my own name occasionally, but that’s only jet-lag because I’m a futuristic babe on course to vote for the next U.S. president in Ohio.  Thanks to ACORN, it works for all of us, no matter who we are or where we’re from.”

Not everyone has a clue as to what O’Malley is talking about.  “You can toy with silicon and play with your genes, even marry a comic-book character in some countries, but when it comes down to ones right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, you’d better show up and fight for it politically or your genes won’t be your own, and no comic book hero will save you, regardless of your silicon based cup size,” said Sally Anne Armstrong, a free-love, equal-rights, NRA member, who values the rights granted her in the U.S. Constitution above income redistribution and equality derived by crushing those better off than she is.  “I don’t cling to god and guns like some folks do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support the Christian-Judeo foundation of government practiced by the U.S. which has provided the safest, strongest, most robust economy and freest nation in the history of the world.  I’m not tossing that overboard gambling that we can elect any form of government and it’ll be okay.  When in doubt I stick to the fundamentals.  And there’s plenty to be in doubt about these days.”

The Straights Times reported that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos for medical research, in the biggest shake-up of embryology laws in two decades. The wide-ranging Bill, which has been debated for months, would also allow ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can help treat them. In addition, it gives lesbians and single women easier access to in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment by removing requirements for clinics to consider a child’s need for a father. The new law comes amid an ongoing race by the medical research community to find a way to grow stem cells, which have the potential to develop into any of the body’s cell types. Opponents of Britain’s proposed law warn that the easing of laws on creating embryos could lead to the genetic engineering of human beings, with religious groups calling it the next step on a ‘slippery slope’. The landmark Commons vote makes Britain one of the handful of countries in the world to encourage such ground-breaking research. Hybrids, or ‘admixed embryos’, are banned in at least 21 countries.

No one stops her from driving.

No one stops her from driving.

The Times Herald-Record reported that faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam’s Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes – as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds). When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts. Thursday’s state-run Tuoi Tre newspaper quoted ministry official Nguyen Huy Quang as saying the proposal would be suspended.

Australia’s News.com reported that a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the “two-dimensional world”. Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters. Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures. “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he wrote. “However, that seems impossible with present-day technology. Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?” Japan only permits marriage between human men and women and gives no legal recognition to same-sex relationships. Some people say that once Barack Obama is president of the world, all forms of reality will be replaced by legalized relativity, finally freeing everyone to be or not to be, and giving others the same freedom to ignore or embrace those claims, as long as they give all forms of control and capital to the new Administration.

Is perception really reality?

Is perception really reality?

“We’ve known for some time that all reality is simply perception and that limits of law and nature exist only because they’re allowed to by the bourgeoisie,” said new world citizen Humphrey Zardoz, a former new age Missourian, busy shedding the last vestiges of human limitation and his tight underwear.  “In the future there will be no haves or have-nots, no humans or animals, no planet or stars, all is one and we share life and plasma and energy.  We’ll share the parts of our unborn, grown for the occasion.  We’ll marry cartoons and engage in new laws based on chest size.  Chaos and fun will be the rule of the day and it’ll be great until the cows come home — and they usually do.  Some asshole with a nuke will decide what we do and issue a lock-down and make authoritarian statements backed by crabby people with guns and explosives.  Those idiots always show up and the next thing you know civilization is struggling for freedom and equality again.  But what the hey, the world has gone for centuries under god-less terrors and North America has dodged damn near all of that.  It’s about time the freedom lovers of America loose their luster and live in the ethical swap of relativism and find out whether the good-old-days really were. Let nothing stand in the way of our behaving as though we’re gods and see what happens.  It’s worth the gamble.  Let’er rip!”

New reality?

New reality?

In other news, Reuters reported last week that an al Qaeda leader has called for President George W. Bush and the Republicans to be “humiliated,” without endorsing a party in the upcoming U.S. presidential election, according to an Internet video posting. Militant postings on al Qaeda-linked websites have been debating the outcome of an Obama election with some forecasting a racial crisis dividing the United States if he wins. Others say his planned withdrawal from Iraq would be a boon to al Qaeda’s affiliate and give it a base for Middle East expansion. No word on whether al Qaeda plans to begin cloning suicide bombers in British Petri dishes or switch from forcing Muslim girls into arranged marriages with old men to cartoon characters instead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Woman Gives Birth to Grandchildren; Blondes are Good Girlfriends, Brunettes Better Wives

Ohio woman becomes grandmother by giving birth to her own grandchildren
Survey shows blondes are best girlfriends, but brunettes’ best to settle down with

Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008

UK’s Metro reported last week that a 56-year-old Ohio woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her grandchildren.  And the UK Telegraph reported last week that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for marrying. Pundits are debating whether hair color or embryo implantation will drive the future of women in the new age.

“I think people will be giving birth to their own parents in the years ahead, what with cloning going full force and genetic modification becoming as easy as dying your hair,” said Laurie Loose-Labia, a practical nurse and voluntary hostage at the Hapless Tiger Lounge for Sadomasochists.  “I’m just a nurse and non-profit volunteer but I understand enough about science and current trends to know that it won’t be long before the combination of cloning, in vitro implantation and self-hypnosis will drive the majority of human reproduction and Tupper Ware party activity in this country.”

Not so good wife?

Not so good wife?

Not everyone agrees with Loose-Labia.  “We won’t be going much farther down the science fiction reality show before we pull back and get into serious old-school reproduction and honest hair color, like nature intended,” said Mary Soho-Cupcake, a hunting party guide known to be both hard and soft, and in all the right places.  “I’m no quasi intellectual Kafkaesque pheasant hunter, but I can tell you that there are dark places in the psyche that modern science is taking us into, and we’d darn well better turn around before we get lost in there.  Stick to old style sex, normal hair color and only shoot stuff you want dead.  Don’t pretend you can mix and match genes and bodies like so much Lego.  We’re playing with fire kids.  Some body’s going to get burned.  Watch out its not you.”

The UK Metro reported that Jaci Dalenberg, 56, from Ohio USA, carried two identical twins and their sister, as a surrogate mother for her daughter Kim Coseno and her husband. The woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her own grandchildren. The 56-year-old gave birth to triplets by having IVF, and embryos implanted into her uterus. The twins and their sister were two-months premature and all four are said to be doing fine. Jaci is said to have offered her service after her daughter was waiting to adopt with her husband.

The UK Telegraph reported that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for settling down with. Almost one in five say blondes are sexier than other girls; with just under half saying they had more outgoing personalities. When it comes to marriage, however, more than half said they would rather wed a dark-haired woman because they were more dependable and sensible. Out of a poll of 3,000 men, almost half said dark-haired women were the most loving. Men also felt brunettes were the best homemakers with 51 per cent thinking they were best at organizing the home, while 48 per cent thought they were the best cooks. Some people say that over-weight women are the best at everything, regardless their hair color or desire to toy with genetics.

Good at everything.

Good at everything.

“You can’t judge a woman by the color of her hair or whether she claims to be willing to give birth to her own grandchildren.  What’s the most important is whether she’s a bit on the chubby side ‘cause then she’ll have sex with you,” said Mr. McGee, some guy who wandered in off the street carrying a copy of the Rocky Mountain News.  “It says right here that overweight females have more sex, and it’s obvious that they do plenty of grocery shopping and cooking – all of which are darned important. According to an award winning study at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ annual meeting, 92 percent of overweight women have had sexual intercourse while only 87 percent of normal body weight women have.  It just goes to show you that hair color and in vitro fertilization aren’t everything.”

Twinkie

Twinkie

In other news, CNN reported yesterday that Hostess Twinkies are becoming the latest product remade and repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs, a product some analysts say could do well given that more people are packing their own lunches in the slumping economy. The maker of the golden yellow, creme-filled cake launched “Twinkie Bites” nationwide in stores on Monday. It’s also introducing a snack pack featuring strawberry cupcakes as it extends the 100-calorie pack line originally aimed at women who wanted to snack more sensibly. No word on how the Hostess people feel about the sex habits or hair color of women, but a Twinkies sales boost would come at an opportune time for Interstate Bakeries, as it seeks creditor approval of a plan that would allow the Kansas City-based company to exit more than four years of bankruptcy.

(C) InebriatedPress.com

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