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Driver calls 911 during arrest; Effort to protect kids from snow; and Experts say remove fat kids from families

> Driver Dials 911 While Fighting Officers
> Children Banned from Snowy Parks
> Take Fat Kids from Parents, say Experts

Inebriated Press
February 4, 2009

090204floridahighwaypatrolWFTV Orlando reported Monday that a driver under arrest for speeding on Interstate Highway 4 called 911 for help while fighting a Florida Highway Patrol officer. And the UK Telegraph reported Monday that Camden Council in North London decided to lock its parks because the snow was slippery and children could fall and hurt themselves.  Meanwhile, Australia’s Herald Sun reported Monday that experts are telling authorities that the state should take posession of children by removing them from families with parents who allow them to become too fat.  Pundits are debating the nature of personal responsibility and the nanny state, while others think it’s high time that government rules all aspects of peoples lives.

Someone named Debbi

Someone named Debbi

“When Barack Obama gets a couple of trillion-dollar stiumulus packages out of the way so ACORN can get more funding, and he can focus directly on the social engineering of individuals, he’ll solve the all world’s problems by telling each of us what to do and how to live.  What a relief that will be,” said Debbi Door-Knob Heathcliff, a biped of unknown origin, who lives off the State the way nature intended.  “Parents don’t know how to raise children and the cops can’t be allowed to arrest people with whom they disagree.  We aren’t responsible for our actions or our children, only the State and bureaucrats are smart enough to define reality and the rules needed in order to exist in it.  I slipped on the ice once and if the State had been there to tell me where to walk I wouldn’t have bruised my ass.  Barack has a lot of stuff to fix.  Good thing he’s a light-bringer god.”

Clearly suicidal

Clearly suicidal

Not everyone agrees with Debbi.  “Life is about survival of the fittest and government intervention represents nothing more than failed attempts to control an accident.  Anybody who tells you otherwise is selling someting,” said Butch Malone-Halfpike, a Taekwando instructor and inventor of the Double Helix Flamethrower, recently banned by the Boy Scouts.  “Let the kids slip on the snow and over-eat, for crying out loud that’s what kids do.  And if you can create a diversion by calling 911 when the cops are trying to arrest you, more power to you.  It’s your version of reality versus theirs.  Who’s to say they’re right?  Screw it, do what you want to as much as you can for as long as you can.  Protect kids from snow?  Holy shit!”

Quick, call 911

Quick, call 911

WFTV Orlando reported that they obtained the 911 call made by a driver as he was being taken down by a trooper along busy I-4 near the Beachline over the weekend.  The Florida Highway Patrol released the tape of the 911 call where the suspect can be heard screaming for help, even though the video shows him resisting arrest the whole time. Investigators told Eyewitness News the man was following too closely behind a trooper on I-4. He eventually went around him and the trooper clocked him going 72 in a 65 and pulled him over, but the driver didn’t want to give up his license, insurance and registration. The driver, Kevin Allen, can be seen swinging his arms in the air when a state trooper tried to arrest him. The trooper struggled to slam him to the ground while another trooper ran up to help and the two then struggled to get him under control.

In the 911 call Allen made minutes before the takedown, he told dispatchers the troopers were attacking him. Allen was eventually cuffed and arrested. He’s facing charges of battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest and reckless driving, because he didn’t think he deserved a speeding ticket. “He told the troopers afterwards, it was a matter of principle, that he felt he did nothing wrong, decided to batter a law enforcement officer to prove his point,” Sgt. Kim Miller said.

Risky behavior

Risky behavior

The Telegraph reported that children have been banned from playing in snow-covered parks after health and safety officers deemed them too dangerous. Camden Council in North London decided to lock all of its gated parks because the snow has made paths slippery. It meant that children enjoying a day off because of school closures could not take advantage of the deepest snow for 20 years in at least four popular parks. A spokesman for the council said that grit put down on the pathways on Sunday had not been enough to cope with the heavy snowfall overnight, so the parks had been closed on safety grounds. A spokeswoman for the Council said: “Our priority is caring for vulnerable residents and making the roads safe.”

Quick, take them from their parents!

Quick, take them from their parents!

The Herald Sun reported that child protection authorities should take fat kids into care, experts say, citing a 110cm 40kg four-year-old girl who watched TV for six hours a day. “Jade”, an imaginary girl comprised of several real cases also had tantrums when she was denied food, a report in the Medical Journal of Australia says. The example has obesity experts calling on child protection authorities to take extremely obese children from parents who allow them to become too fat. And a leading child psychologist in Melbourne has backed the call, saying that parents who allow children to become morbidly obese are guilty of child abuse. Dr Shirley Alexander and colleagues from Westmead Children’s Hospital in NSW said the number of obese children had doubled or tripled in many countries in recent years, and doctors needed to act. Melbourne child psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg said taking children from their parents should only be done in extreme cases.

Some people say that common sense is now so uncommon that the term should no longer be used.

090204snowbabe“Once American’s elected a community organizer with less than one-term in the U.S. Senate and no business or governing experience as the President of the United States, I knew that common sense had finally died,” said Missy Moon-Pie, a sweet brunette with big eyes and a creamy filling.  “Of course experts and the government are going ban snowy parks and take fat kids away from their parents.  That’s just the start of things.  Once the regular folks abandon clear thinking and start dialing 911 when they’re being arrested for reckless driving, all that you’ve got left is the KGB, Nazi’s and dictators trying to  bring things under control. That’s why liberalism always ends up becoming totalitarianism.  It’s as natural as out-of-control astroids being grabbed by a planets gravity and crushed in the atmosphere.  Chaos begets domination and power always corrupts.  Stupidity just aids and abeds the process.”

Damn smoker, that'll teach'em

Damn smoker, that'll teach'em

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported Monday that a Sudanese man has been sentenced to 30 lashes for smoking on a domestic Saudi Arabian Airlines flight. Wearing just a thin shirt, he will be flogged by a policeman wielding a reed. The strokes are meant to inflict painful welts that bleed and bruise. The man was arrested when the aircraft landed in Jeddah and handed over to  police. The man apologised in court – and to prove his penitence presented evidence that he was attending a clinic to help him kick his heavy smoking habit. But the judge was keen to make an example and gave a sentence designed to serve  as a deterrent. Under Saudi’s Sharia or Islamic law, flogging is common for a number morals offences ranging from adultery to being alone in the company of an unrelated  person of the opposite sex.  No word on what kind of beatings parents with fat kids get, or what kind of lashing a child who disobeys the rules and plays in slipery snow ought to receive.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Driver Calls 911 While Resisting Officers On I-4
http://www.wftv.com/news/18621731/detail.html?1

Children banned from snow-covered parks by health and safety brigade
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/weather/4434768/Children-banned-from-snow-covered-parks-by-health-and-safety-brigade.html

Take fat kids into care, say experts
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24995715-2862,00.html

Man sentenced to 30 lashes after flouting no smoking ban on Saudi Arabian flight
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1134323/Man-sentenced-30-lashes-flouting-smoking-ban-Saudi-Arabian-flight.html

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Filed under Humor, IP News

China marries Iran, Saudi’s say 10-year-old girls should marry, and there’s a new St. Pauli Girl for beer drinkers to lust after

> Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
> Saudi cleric: it’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10
> Breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!

Inebriated Press
January 21, 2009

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

Breitbart reported last week that Iran and China signed a $2 billion agreement that allows Chinese development of an Iranian oil field. The two countries did a similar deal in December 2007, and despite U.S. concerns, their commitment to one another continues to grow.  And Mail Online reported last week that Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric said 10-year-old girls are ready for marriage, and people who say they’re too young are being “unfair” to them. Meanwhile, BrandFreak reported last week that German beer company St. Pauli Girl, has selected Slovakian model Katarina Van Derham, to appear as their faux German barmaid in future promotions. The quest for oil, beer and fine women — of all ages — rolls on like the timeless traditions of communist-dictatorships, drinking and underaged sex. 

“There’s no stopping Communists and Islamofascists from hooking up for mutual benefit, or slowing Muslim men from marrying baby girls or blowing themselves or others to bits,” said Misty Mae-Morningside, a barmaid and holder of the ‘2009 Beer Babe’ title down at the Shady Hollow Stripper Bar and Welding Helmet Lounge.  “I don’t know whether it’s in their DNA or part of the Middle Eastern education system, but screwing helpless girls and blowing up innocent women in the marketplace is like a damned tradition over there. The Chinese just need the oil so they don’t give a shit one way or another.  As far as the new Pauli Girl goes, she’s hot, but hasn’t got nothin’ on me.”

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Some people say there are traditions that should end.  “Marrying-off 10-year-old Saudi girls or giving birth control patches to 11-year-old U.S. children at King Middle School in Maine, is as wrong as Communists and Islamofascists working together to strengthen themselves against the free West,” said Mabel Matron-Ironside, a shopkeeper and pro-establishment Virginian, whose only regret in life is that the South didn’t win the U.S. Civil War.  “Just because you call underage marriage a tradition doesn’t make it right, and just because you believe in sexual freedom that doesn’t mean you should slap chemical patches on school children so they avoid pregnancy but inherit a bunch of drug related side-effects.  Doesn’t anyone think through this stuff?  I’m not sure whose fault it is, but I’m guessing it’s those damn Yankees up North.  Son’s of bitches.”

090121_iran_oilBreitbart reported that Iran’s official news agency says the country has signed a $1.76 billion deal with China to develop the North Azadegan oil field in southwestern Iran near the Iraq border. The IRNA report says the deal was signed between the National Iranian Oil Company and the China National Petroleum Corp. Iran’s Oil Minister Gholam Hossein Nozari says the field has an estimated 6 billion barrels of crude oil and will produce 75,000 barrels of oil per day for 25 years. In December 2007, China’s biggest refiner, Sinopec, signed a $2 billion agreement with Iran to develop another Iranian oil field, the Yadavaran. The deals illustrate China’s strong business ties with Iran despite U.S. pressure over the Iranian nuclear program.

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

The UK Mail Online reported that ten-year-old girls are ready for marriage, according to Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric. Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh, the country’s grand mufti, told Al Hayat newspaper that those saying ten or 12-year-old girls are too young to marry are being ‘unfair’ to them. Al Sheikh’s comments come at a time when Saudi human rights groups have been pushing the government to put an end to marriages involving the very young and to define a minimum age for marriage. In the past few months, Saudi newspapers have highlighted several cases in which young girls were married off to much older men or very young boys.

The report followed a ruling by a court in Oneiza in central Saudi Arabia last month that dismissed a divorce petition by the mother of an eight-year-old girl whose father married her off to a man in his 50s. Newspaper reports said the court argued that the mother did not have the right to file such a case on behalf of her daughter and said that the petition should be filed by the girl when she reaches puberty. There are no statistics to show how many marriages involving children are performed in Saudi Arabia every year.

Van Derham

Van Derham

BrandFreak reported that continuing a 26-year tradition of finding stunning women who look great in German barmaid’s attire to represent its signature beer, St. Pauli Girl has selected Katarina Van Derham as its new bar wench for 2009. The Slovakian model’s selection is unique in that the beer brand partnered with Maxim.com for an online vote. Her bio states: “Van Derham grew up in a small village in the woods of Slovakia, a communist country at the time. She moved to the United States at age 22, without any intention of becoming a model.” Van Derham has already appeared in ad campaigns for AT&T, Dodge and the Rockstar Energy Drink. In regards to her new role as a faux German barmaid, she says, “I am very honored and look forward to meeting St. Pauli Girl fans all over the country.”

Some people say that as long as you have fans you can do whatever you want.

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl

“Let’s face it, success is driven by popularity. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is popular with Jew haters, the Chinese are popular with Iran’s government because they need cash and political support, young girls are popular with old men and St. Pauli girl is popular with men of all ages.  It’s popularity that gives you money, power and freedom — unless you’re a Muslim girl of course — then you’re just screwed,” said Strawberry Dackari, a sweet tasting drink that will nonetheless leave you heaving and with a hangover if you imbibe too much.  “I may be nothing more than the figment of your imagination or a combination of alcohol, sugar and fruit, but I know about popularity.  It got an unknown community organizer elected to the most powerful position in the world.  Brand Obama will rule the globe and he can do whatever he wants. I’ll bet St. Pauli Girl is his if he wants her.  I wonder what he really does want … I mean besides power? I suppose time will tell.  It usually does.”

090121-google-apps

St. Google Girl?

In other news, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported last week that in the Cincinnati area, where legend holds that trends come 10 years late, “sexting” arrived well ahead of time. Teens there are taking nude photos of themselves or others, sending them on their cell phones or posting them online. Some teens do it as a joke. For others, it’s the new bold pickup line to get a date. A year ago, a 19-year-old Goshen cheerleading coach was charged and prosecuted for a misdemeanor, contributing to the unruliness of a child, for taking a topless photo of herself and a 15-year-old girl. A Glen Este Middle School boy was taken to juvenile court during the last school year for taking explicit photos of his girlfriend. “It’s ‘Kids Gone Wild,’ with technology being provided by the parents,” according to Jim Brown, school resource officer at Glen Este High School. No word on how Saudi clerics feel about this, but since these incidents involve girls older than 10 and the issue isn’t marriage to 50 year-old men, it’s kind of hard to decide which society the suicide bombers should attack.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D95N2SAO0&show_article=1

It’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10, says Saudi cleric
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1115624/Its-injustice-NOT-marry-girls-aged-10-says-Saudi-cleric.html

Important breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!
http://www.brandfreak.com/2009/01/important-breaking-news-a-new-st-pauli-girl-has-been-chosen.html

Maine Middle School May Drug 11 Year Old Girls with Birth Control Patches
http://www.naturalnews.com/022934.html

Teens bare all on phones
http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20090113/NEWS0102/901130326

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Filed under Humor, IP News