Tag Archives: science

Creepy Human-like Creature, Obama has U.S. on Right Track, and Cows are 80% Human

> Mysterious Human-like Creature Photographed in Middle East
> Poll says Americans like Obamanomics and Massive Debt
> Cow Genome Mapped, 80% Like Human Beings

Inebriated Press
April 27, 2009

Cow Girl.  The percent is unimportant.

Cow Girl. The percent is unimportant.

Qatar’s Gulf Times reported last Thursday that a mysterious figure resembling a human being was spotted and photographed by a frightened woman who saw it in a parking lot; as did other witnesses.  And Associated Press reported last Thursday that an AP Poll says that more Americans than not believe President Obama has the country on the right track; this despite millions of job loses, billions of dollars in bailouts and trillions of new U.S. debt.  Meanwhile, VOA News reported last Friday that scientists have completed the genetic sequence of the cow and found that they have 80% of the same genes as humans.  Debate over what constitutes a human being and what passes for common sense is gushing around like nasal mucus on a pollen-laden hyper-allergenic spring day.

Someone named Patti

Someone named Patti

“There is a holistic oneness in the universe and as science and chance play together across time, we’ll all come to realize that humans and animals are the same, and logic and insanity are identical, and truth and lies are meaningless concepts enveloped in a cloud of knowledge and ideals, concepts and silicon enhancements,” said Patti Ethos-Mariment, an existentialist philosopher and part-time stripper down at the Meaningless Platitude Strip Club and Lawn Care Outlet.  “Money and debt are mere concepts, as are cows and humans, Middle Eastern creatures and Barack Hussein Obama.  Reality is what we say it is, and Obamanomics is merely a form of eastern mysticism like the idea of Hitler.  They’re all thinly veiled notions that play upon our minds like fireflies in the sky on a warm summer night.  As humans become more knowledgeable, we set aside petty things like the war against terror, or fiscal responsibility and individual freedom.  Barack is the light bringer.  He will lead us to a greater understanding of the meaninglessness of money, the benefit of irrational hope and undefined change.  He is a god.”

Someone named Vicki

Someone named Vicki

Not everyone is inhaling the stuff that Ethos-Mariment is smoking.  “So we have some of the same genes as a cow does, and creepy creatures other than Iran’s Ahmadinejad inhabit the Middle East, that doesn’t make people into cows or crazy Islamofascists into non-humans, though they’re closer than you might think,” said Vicki Vixen-Hothips, a curvy blonde SWAT Team member who can kill a man at twenty paces with either her enhanced 9 mm Beretta or her enhanced double-D looks.  “And blowing trillions of dollars on ‘stimulus’ like tattoo removal and high speed trains without a business plan or needs analysis, is riskier than a SWAT member fighting gang members with Uzi’s while wearing no protection other than a leather bustiere or a Trojan prophylactic.  It may be a real rush at first, but in the end you’re dead as hell.  Physically, economically.”

Creepy Middle Eastern Creature

Creepy Middle Eastern Creature

The Gulf Times of Qatar reported that a mysterious figure resembling a human being was sighted on the Doha Corniche’s parking lot, according to a report published in a local Arabic daily. The report is based on the statement of an Arab expatriate lady who said she had seen the strange figure near the Oryx statue while walking in the area. Quoting the woman, the daily said she took a picture of it, in spite of being terribly frightened. “She was very soon surrounded by a large number of people who also attested to the fact of what she had seen. But it suddenly disappeared out of their sight when they tried to go near it,” the report added.

American Politico

American Politico

Associated Press reported that while there are millions of people jobless, billions of dollars in bailouts and trillions of dollars in U.S. debt, yet, for the first time in years, more Americans than not say the country is on the right track. In a sign that Barack Obama has inspired hopes for a brighter future in the first 100 days of his presidency, an Associated Press-GfK poll shows that 48 percent of Americans believe the United States is headed in the right direction – compared with 44 percent who disagree. The “right direction” number is up 8 points since February and a remarkable 31 points since October, the month before Obama’s election.

Even if they don’t always like what he’s doing, Americans seem content for now that the president is taking action to correct the nation’s course. He’s doing something, anything, and that’s better than nothing. Obama is not the first president who has sought to shape the nation’s psychology, tapping the deep well of American optimism to effect policy and politics. Most Americans say Obama is changing things at about the right speed. But nearly a third say he’s trying to change too many things too quickly. The AP-GfK Poll was conducted April 16-20 by GfK Roper Public Affairs and Media. It involved telephone interviews on landline and cell phones with 1,000 adults nationwide. The margin of sampling error was plus or minus 3.1 percentage points.



VOA News reported that an international consortium of researchers has completed mapping the genetic blueprint of the domestic cow, a source of nutrition and livelihood for billions of people around the world. Scientists say the landmark accomplishment will lead to better food production and improvements in human medicine. Researchers found that humans share 80 percent of their genetic sequence with cows, according to the scientists, who say we’re more closely related to bovines than to rats and mice. Scientists compared the cow genome to that of seven other mammals – including the human, dog, rat, mouse, opossum and platypus – and found they share a core set of more than 14,000 genes. “What that means is that when we want to study something that’s a human protein we might get better information by studying it in cattle than in mice and rats,” said Kim Worley a researcher from the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas.

Funeral Director LouiseIn other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported last Thursday that Louise Ryan is believed to be Britain’s youngest female funeral director. At 20 years of age, Miss Ryan says she never wanted to be stuck in any ordinary job – so she figured it was only natural to follow in her father’s footsteps and work with the dead. “I know it’s a strange job for a girl of my age but I really enjoy it,” Louise said.  “People think it’s a bit weird or macabre, but dealing with dead bodies just doesn’t bother me. The most important thing is to care for families at a difficult time.”  After training with her father Michael, Miss Ryan has now been given the go-ahead to direct funerals herself. 

Louise Ryan

Louise Ryan

No word on whether she’s willing to preside over funerals for weird Middle Eastern creatures, 80% human cows or a hyper-inflated U.S. economy, but if Obamanomics creates the level of inflation that some economists fear that it will, it’s good to know a caring and hot looking funeral director will be there to offer us comfort.  And so the existential world turns.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Mysterious figure ‘spotted’

AP Poll: After Obama’s 100 days, US on right track

Researchers Reveal Complete Genetic Sequence of Cow

The woman funeral director aged 20 who is deadly serious about her career choice

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Better beer through DNA mapping

Cheers! Yeast gene map could mean better beer

By Michael Kahn
Feb 11, 2009

mmm DNA

mmm DNA

LONDON (Reuters) – Researchers have mapped the DNA of dozens of strains of yeast used for brewing, baking and biofuels, something they said Wednesday will help map the human genome and could lead to better-tasting beer and wine.

This means brewers can pick the best strains to make beer with more flavour or perhaps help vintners bottle wine that lasts longer after opening, Ed Louis of the University of Nottingham in Britain and colleagues reported in the journal Nature.

“We now have a view of the variation across the entire species, which will allow us to make better combinations for better uses of things like beer and wine,” Louis said in a telephone interview.

“I’m going to be using it to create better strains for biofuel production.”

Yeast has long been used as a model for studying cancer, ageing and diseases like Alzheimer’s in humans because many of its genes are similar to ours. It also has as many genetic variations as human DNA, the researchers said.

090219-beer-mug-b-w3The team mapped the genes of more than 70 strains of yeast used around the world for baking bread, brewing beer and making wine. They also looked at wild strains found in oak bark.

Because the genetic map of yeast is much smaller than the human genome, the researchers were able to more quickly and cheaply map all the genetic differences in many different strains, Louis said.

Besides offering ways to improve beer, wine and bread, the maps could provide a model scientists can use to build computer software needed to scan the more complex human genome, Louis said.

090219-st-pauli-girl-posterResearchers across the world are mapping the human genome to look for genes involved in diseases, determine who may be at risk for certain illness and to help design more-tailored drugs.

While scientists have so far sequenced the DNA of a few individuals, the goal is to do so on a much bigger scale to more definitively tie genetic variations to different diseases.

“Now we can build the tools that will help us compare thousands of humans across the genome and all the variants,” Louis said.

(Reporting by Michael Kahn; Editing by Maggie Fox)


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Scientists Think All Humans May Be People

Some less evolved than others claim non-scientists

Inebriated Press
February 13, 2008

Lluís Quintana-Murci and his colleagues at the Pasteur Institute, in Paris, published a study in Nature Genetics that looked at which genes have undergone recent natural selection at different rates in different parts of the world, and might thus contribute to any biological differences between races of human beings.  The results are uncontroversial.  Several of the differences detected are in genes for superficial racial markers of skin color and hair form.  Most of the others whose functions are known are connected either with diet or with resistance to disease.  It appears that most of us are just regular folks, but not everyone agrees.

“If you think everybody is the same except for skin and hair color, then you haven’t met Amit Kumar,” said Edgy Matron, a brilliant woman often known for shifting uncomfortably, but also as a strong supporter of the Arts.  “Kumar has been stealing the kidneys of the poor around Nepal and selling them to the highest bidder.  The guys allegedly higher brain functions are not like yours and mine.  He’s different.”

But, scientists say that when it comes right down to it, we’re all basically the same.  “You can’t single out someone like Kumar or Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler or Barack Obama and say that there’s something uniquely twisted about them,” said scientist Harvey O’Kelly, a Native American who drinks Guinness at every meal and tends to slur his words for effect.  “Genetics and ones DNA make everyone of us similar, but social mores aren’t necessarilly inherited.  That means Al Qaeda could stop beheading people if they wanted to, and the Italian Mafia could become like the United Way.  Of course that means my grandmother could begin acting like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad too, but she’s not really a Jew hater by nature.”

An Indian doctor named Amit Kumar was arrested at a jungle resort in Nepal this week and accused of running a kidney racket out of a house near Delhi, the BBC reports.  He allegedly ran a scheme that “lured or forced” poor laborers to give up a kidney, the Guardian reported.  The BBC put the price the donors were paid for a kidney at $2,500 or less. The recipients were mostly wealthy Indians, as well as some foreigners.

The study in Nature Genetics published by Lluís Quintana-Murci and his colleagues at the Pasteur Institute used data drawn from a project called HapMap, which catalogues what are known as single-nucleotide polymorphisms, or SNPs.  These are places where individual human genomes routinely differ from one another by a single genetic “letter”.  Differences Dr Quintana-Murci detected were only in genes for skin color and hair.  All in all, the school of thought which holds that humans, for all their outward variety, are a pretty homogenous species received a boost.  There were, however, 30 locally selected genes whose functions are as yet unknown.
“I think it’s those unknown genes that spell out why Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Hillary Clinton and Vladimir Putin behave differently than the rest of us,” said Hugh Hefner, an astrophysicist, brain expert and experimental psychologist known best for a popular magazine based on the study of skin.  “I’ve done a lot of tactile skin experimentation on various races over the years and for the most part they react the same.  Now most of my research has been limited to women but it’s been conducted beginning in the 1960’s and continues today.  I keep looking for unknown genes inside their jeans.  I’m committed to it and I think its an important body of work that will probably explain everything eventually.”

In other news, the Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that Vladimir Putin is operating torture colonies.  The report said that people were held in metal containers without toilets and have no heat in winter or ventilation in summer.  They are frequently beaten.  No word on whether it’s one of the 30 unknown genes that makes Putin do it.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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