December 29, 2008
Forbes reported last week that a Beverly Hills doctor is converting the liposuctioned fat he removes from his patients into bio-fuel for his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. And News-Australia reported last week that scientists are working on an implantable electronic “sex chip” that stimulates pleasure centres in the brain. Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported that researchers have found a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. Inebriated reporters say the new Obama Administration is planning to incorporate these developments into upcoming environmental and healthcare plans.
“One of our first initiatives will be to help obese Americans loose weight and improve their health as well as help our environment, by providing government funded liposuction for all over-weight citizens, and then converting their fat into fuel for our cars and trucks,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, as he sat polishing the sole of his shoe with the soul of a Republican. “This initiative will be a multiple win as citizens get healthier from the weight loss, we reduce demand for foreign oil by burning the renewable fuel derived from millions of obese Americans, plus we get the added benefit of creating thousands of new lipo-sucking jobs in cities all across the country. And once we put sex-pleasure brain implants into all Americans of voting age that are triggered by president Obama’s voice, he’ll rule the country until the day he dies, and that will ensure that we’ll be able to put all of our important initiatives in place. Its change we can all believe in and quiver with joy and newfound thinness about. You can’t beat it.”
Not everyone agrees with Emanuel. “Building America’s future energy dependence on the waists and thighs of Americans may seem like a good idea at first glance, but in reality, it will cost too much to refine the body fat into fuel in volumes enough to power our nation’s transportation system,” said Governor Sarah Palin, a grass-roots common-sense styled Republican who is naturally out of favor with liberals and Democrat and Republican elites and most other people who want government that isn’t of the people, by the people or for the people. “Renewable fuel has its place and so does Viagra, as do brain implants that treat symptoms like Parkinson’s disease. But we need to be careful when sticking electrodes into our heads for stimulating pleasure or erectile drugs into growing trees. Some unnatural things can be harmful — like claiming that creating bigger government by hiring more people is a beneficial jobs program. Eventually someone — usually the taxpayers — have to pay for it. And that hurts the economy because they’re the only people creating real value as derived from the marketplace. We better think hard about this stuff and not just do it because it sounds cool and then hope for the best.”
Forbes reported that liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them. For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.
Australia’s News.com.au reported that scientists are working on an electronic “sex chip” that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. Stimulating this area can produce pleasure. Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters.
The Local reported that Swedish researchers have found that a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs. Forestry professor Torgny Näsholm then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects. Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees. In essence it boosted the tree roots’ “virility.”
Some people say that virility and not body fat or brain implants are the key to the future.
“Anything can be artificially enhanced by adding stimulants, or chemicals, or by chopping off stuff we don’t want — like fatty deposits. But if you aren’t naturally virile as the result of diet and exercise and have usable energy sources like oil, coal and gas deposits in addition to renewable fuels, all you have is fake health and fake energy security,” said Kathy Irelandski, a philosophy major and northern European babe whose natural resources are lusted after by men everywhere. “A healthy society and healthy economy require hard work, strong character, personal responsibility and strong adherence to common sense and practicality. Bailouts, handouts and citizens and companies who all think they’re victims and need the government to provide for them, represents a country in decline. America was built by people who came to this continent to take risks and build a future based on freedom and opportunity. Western European welfare and tolerance for radical Muslims is not what made this country great for two hundred years and it won’t make us great in the future. We the people had better pull our collective heads out of our asses, roll up our sleeves, and go to work and fix this America ourselves. No government has ever fixed anything.”
In other news, Florida Freedom Newspapers reported last week that a Beach police officer tased a naked woman after responding to a complaint of a disturbance along Front Beach Road on Saturday. Just after midnight Saturday morning, a Bay County Sheriff’s deputy responding to a complaint of a verbal disturbance saw a woman leaving an apartment wearing no clothes. She started walking toward him, and he told her to stop. The woman kept approaching the officer, according to the report, which says the officer then “deployed his taser into” the woman. The report says the woman “remained on the front porch without further incident” once she had been tased. No word on why the woman did what she did or whether she had brain sex-pleasure implants or fuel laden hips, but she was apparently plenty virile.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
‘Sex chip’ will have us wired, Oxford University researcher Morten Kringelbach says
Erectile aid found to enhance spruce tree roots
Naked woman tased by police officer