Tag Archives: socialism

Q & A with Bob & Joan: Can Something Be Done About the National Debt and Does Anyone Really Care?

The “Bob and Joan Chronicles” of Inebriated Press
May 27, 2009
 
Q.
 
Bob,
 
Some of you conservatives are whining about Obama’s trillions in new spending and the massive deficit being created, as though it should actually matter to Americans.  Well no one cares about the deficit or the risk of hyper inflation, and even if you say you do, it doesn’t matter because you’re irrelevant. There’s nothing that an individual can do.  It’s a practical impossibility.
 
You should just shut up and enjoy the ride like everyone else.  What do you think you’re accomplishing by telling other people you care about it?  You’re wasting your time you dumb ass.
 
Hugs and kisses,
 
Joan
 
A.
 
My Dearest Joan,
 
Your warm and thoughtful words regarding my time management and the concern I have about America’s debt and the risk of future economic collapse, touches me deeply, and your statement telling me to shut-up because I’m irrelevant, is both kind and loving encouragement.  How I long to set aside petty questions and gently caress your back, neck and shoulders, easing your present tensions, and then softly kiss the bridge of your nose as only I can.  But alas, such is not my mandate.  I must address your misunderstanding about the level of concern among Americans, and most importantly, the power of the individual.
 
Most Americans are worried about the national debt and many are concerned that President Obama is fiscally irresponsible.  In a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll, nearly nine in ten Americans (87 percent) said they were either “very” (59 percent) or “somewhat” (27 percent) concerned about the size of the federal budget deficit.  While many Americans like President Obama personally, they don’t like many of his policies and are worried about his spending and the risky national debt.  Whether elected officials will respond to these concerns or be voted out of office remains to be seen, but more and more citizens are telling them exactly how they feel, and have even begun public protesting – as displayed on April 15th in “tax day rally’s” against the “tax and spending” of both major Parties.  Public pressure will continue to grow as we near the elections in the fall of 2010.  The liberal Democrats controlling Congress and the White House are proving they are who the conservatives said they were.  And American voters are paying attention and have begun reacting against them.  All is not lost on the fiscal front.  Momentum is changing.

Now, about your belief that the individual is irrelevant and that effort by one person — such as myself — to make change is a practical impossibility.  The United States of America was founded on the inalienable rights of the individual.  Rights that the nation’s founders believed were endowed upon individuals by their Creator, and among those rights were the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Initially those words and others in the U.S Constitution and Bill of Rights were conceptual constructs.  Until individuals — farmers, millers, merchants and others – irrelevant people mostly, took up arms and made theory a reality.  Many believed it was impossible for irrelevant rabble to defeat the British Empire, yet the fools did it.  And it was a pipe dream as well as a practical impossibility that any nation would actually try to put men on the moon, yet silly irrelevant Americans – many of them toiling in obscurity – accomplished the mission, and placed a number of their own citizens there.   During World War II, individuals from all around America rolled into Paris freeing it from the Nazi’s.  Individual men and women crossed America, carving out life and civilization in the fields, plains and mountains — building cities, towns, states.  They fought disease, floods, drought, and countless challenges.  They built a new nation – based on the rights of the individual.  And what of the individual and American invention?  How about Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Morse, George Washington Carver, the Wright Brothers, Bill Gates, and others.  Much more could be written about what common irrelevant Americans have accomplished. 

The irrelevant founded America.  They are its life-blood.  The individual is the heart of America’s constitution.  Protecting those rights and freedoms is important to us.  The impossible is what America is as a nation.  And the impossible has been accomplished from time to time by Americans, often to the surprise and disbelief of other nations.  The freedom, power and rights of the individual are why many Americans are Americans.  The fatalistic belief that the individual is irrelevant is why some American’s gave up being Europeans and left for the ‘New World’.  I and other American’s aren’t inclined to become Europeans today – even though there are some of us who want to become Western European Socialists.  The American electorate has lost its way before and found its way back.  We elected Jimmy Carter and then Ronald Reagan.  We can do it again.

And so, my fine and gentle Joan, I’m here to tell you that the battle for traditional “common sense” America is not over.  “Irrelevant individuals” still believe that they can make a difference — as they have for generations.  And as long as traditional Americans continue to believe that by their actions they will have an impact, they will in fact have an impact.  The 87% who said they were concerned about the national debt, can change the direction of this country.  Those individuals are not really irrelevant.  I am among them.

I hope this finds you cool where you want to be and warm where you need to be.

With the sweetest of wishes and most tender feelings toward you oozing from my core like moisture on my muscular pec’s in the heat of a summer night, I remain most affectionately yours,

Bob

Comments Off on Q & A with Bob & Joan: Can Something Be Done About the National Debt and Does Anyone Really Care?

Filed under Humor, The Bob and Joan Chronicles

Government Waste too Slow, Hugo Chavez “Penis” Phone Launched, and Man Catches Wife Cheating in Porn DVD

> US Spent Less than 6% of Stimulus, as Economy Recovers
> Venezuela President Launches Affordable “Penis” Phone
> Man Buys Porn DVD, Discovers Wife Having Sex with Friend

Inebriated Press
May 15, 2009

We're spending as fast as we can

We're spending as fast as we can

Reason Magazine reported Wednesday that the U.S. federal government has spent less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February, while the economy is recovering on its own.  Both the Fed chief and head of the president’s Council of Economic Advisors say the recession will end later this year.  Vice President Joe Biden says they’re spending as fast as they can and hope to have 70% spent by summer of 2010.  And IntoMobile reported Tuesday that Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. The phone is called the “vergatorio” which is local slang for “penis.” Meanwhile, The Courier Mail reported that a man bought a porn DVD only to find footage of his wife having sex with his friend. Pundits are debating the power of a free economy, and the nature of cellular genitalia and video revelations.

Someone named Ashley

Someone named Ashley

“Good things come to those who wait, especially a solid economy if the country has a free market system with a modicum of common-sense regulation and limited taxation.  On the other hand, weird stuff will come from socialist leadership, like cell phone genitalia.  And I don’t know what to say about the poor bastard who caught his wife screwing his friend on some DVD he bought,” said Ashley Monigram-Holism, a hair care professional smitten with rational thinking and a small heat rash.  “It is rather remarkable that the U.S. economy shows signs of improvement despite the heavy corporate taxes that Obama wants to make worse, and a bizarre political system that rewards failure while forcing well-managed companies to compete against firms artificially propped up by the government.  Of course such resiliency can’t last if Obama taxes and controls private firms they way he plans to, and continues to nationalize badly run companies.  I wonder when he’ll announce his version of a penis phone.  Maybe he’ll have Chrysler and GM build environmentally friendly penis cars.  I’d like to talk more but I’m busy scanning porn DVD’s trying to find out if my husband is cheating on me.  So far so good.  Does it feel hot in here to you?”

Someone named Trixie

Someone named Trixie

Not everyone agrees with Monigram-Holism.  “The suggestion that America’s economy is improving on its own just because a tiny part of the stimulus package has been spent is absurd.  Such thinkers mistake the nature of economic recovery as something related to money, sales or GDP, when it’s really all about attitude.  President Obama’s current leadership of the free world is why all things are and will continue to become better and better,” said Trixie Dixie, an existential philosopher who gave up her job as a dish washer when Obama appointed her advisor to the U.S. Treasury.  “And don’t think that penis-based telephones, automobiles and hair care products won’t improve life on earth, and perhaps alter our understanding about race relations, gay rights and STD cures.  The more comfortable we become with goods and services that reference genitalia, the greater our capacity to contemplate the wonder of humankind within the scope of technological advancement, the social influence of Al Qaeda, and family members on porn DVD’s.  And I’m not just saying this because I use medical marijuana heavily; I’ve thought this all through.  Damn this is some good shit.”

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Biden talks spending or penis phone

Reason Magazine reported that it turns out the federal government is not even efficient at wasting our money. The New York Times reports that less than 6 percent of the $787 billion stimulus package approved by Congress in February has been spent so far. The Obama administration has said it wants to spend 70 percent by the summer of 2010, so it will have to pick up the pace. Not to worry, says Vice President Biden: “I think that what you’re going to see happen here is the velocity of this will increase not just arithmetically, but geometrically here. At least, we’ve got to make that happen.” They’d better hurry, before the economy recovers on its own. Both Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Christina Romer, chairwoman of the president’s Council of Economic Advisers, say it looks like the recession will end later this year. In fact, Barclays Capital strategist Barry Knapp says it may have ended last month, which he predicts is where the National Bureau of Economic Research ultimately will locate the bottom of the downturn.

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that only 25 percent of the stimulus money will be spent by the end of this year. That’s one-quarter of a sum that stimulus enthusiasts such as New York Times columnist Paul Krugman said was woefully inadequate. “We’re trying to get the money out as quickly as we can,” says Biden, “but not too quickly, so we don’t end up really screwing up here….In 85 days we’ve gotten tens of billions of dollars out the door, and so far — knock on wood — no real big problems, no real big glitches.” In February, Nick Gillespie noted that stimulus spending always seems to come after the recession is over. Yesterday Veronique de Rugy and Eileen Norcross wondered if we’ll ever know exactly where the current batch of magically multiplying money went.

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

Chavez & Castro talk PenisPhone 2.0 with vibrator prototype

IntoMobile reported that Venezuela’s president Hugo Chavez has just done what no other cell phone company in the world would dare do. Chavez has launched the first ever “penis” phone. In an unprecedented product launch, Hugo Chavez became the first sitting national leader to launch a cell phone. Hugo took the time during his weekly TV show, “Hello President,” to unveil to the world the new “Vergatorio” cell phone. He proclaimed to the world that “This telephone will be the biggest seller not only in Venezuela but the world.” Chavez went on to add that “whoever doesn’t have a Vergatario is nothing.” For those not too versed in Venezuelan slang, the name “vergatorio” is derived from the local slang for “penis.” Chavez started down the road to his historic “penis” cell phone launch when he nationalized the cell phone manufacturer that made the Vergatorio. The President-turned-cell phone-pitchman wanted to make a cell phone that was “light, beautiful, good and cheap.” The end result is the unfortunately named Vergatorio.

AffairsThe Courier Mail reported that a Taiwan carpenter bought a porn DVD only to find secretly taped motel footage of his wife having sex with his friend, whom the husband later stabbed. The husband, identified only by his surname Lee, discovered the illicit sex on the DVD in 2002. The sexual acts apparently had been recorded using a hidden camera and were on a pornographic DVD, titled Affairs with Others’ Wives, which the husband bought from a vendor to watch at home. Lee, who lives in Taoyuan County near Taipei, divorced his wife after viewing the DVD. His friend, a butcher, fled their village. In August 2008, Lee spotted the butcher in Chungli City, returned with a knife and stabbed his former friend in the thigh. Lee was indicted on Tuesday on a charge of causing bodily harm to another person.

Some people say the notion of common sense and good taste are illusions forced upon the masses by the bourgeoisie.

Vibrator phone

Vibrator phone

“It’s all bullshit,” said Marxie Noble, as he sat with his penis in one hand and cell phone in the other and wondered which was which.  “Logic and taste are invented dictums being forced on the people by power mongers who want to enslave men and women with dialectical arguments about values, responsibility and rule of law.  It’s all meaningless.  Soon, countries run by enlightened dictators will prove how much better off their economies are than capitalist ones because their leaders do whatever they feel like.  For example, when Hugo launches PenisPhone 2.0 — a cell phone/vibrator combo — Venezuela’s economy will explode and become the most powerful in the world.  You think women are always on their cell phones now, wait until 2.0, they’ll be literally on-their-phones day and night.  Gives whole new meaning to the cell phone company’s ‘Family and Friends’ program.”

Penis slashing

Penis slashing

In other news, Thanhnien News reported a couple weeks ago that doctors have been reporting an increase in the number of Vietnamese men being rushed to hospital after their sexual organs have been cut off by jealous wives or girlfriends. The good news for the castrated men is that the amputated organ can be successfully reattached if it is preserved properly. Doctors say the men who have their members cut off should “hang on to their penises” and not give up hope.  A properly refrigerated penis rushed to hospital with the victim, can be successfully reattached and in most cases erections return about a month after surgery.  However, doctors say ejaculation may be delayed for a while and the penis could be a little smaller than before.  No word on whether the doctors also fix penis cell phones, but once Joe Biden is on the case, rest assured that the government will be working on it as fast as it can.  So we’ve got that going for us.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

Biden: We’re Spending As Fast As We Can
http://reason.com/blog/show/133466.html

Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez launches affordable “Penis” phone
http://www.intomobile.com/2009/05/12/venezuelas-hugo-chavez-launches-affordable-penis-phone.html

Man busts wife, mate in porn DVD
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,25473694-5013016,00.html

Men should hold onto dongs, due to recent slashes
http://www.thanhniennews.com/healthy/?catid=8&newsid=48173

Comments Off on Government Waste too Slow, Hugo Chavez “Penis” Phone Launched, and Man Catches Wife Cheating in Porn DVD

Filed under Humor, IP News

Coca-Cola drops Sex ad, Condi Rice kicks Ass, and Tricks of the Vegas Sex Trade

> Coke ‘cans’ ad suggesting women should always be open for sex
> Condoleezza Rice knocks back ‘torture’ ambush
> Success in Sex Club biz: anything goes

Inebriated Press
May 7, 2009

Condoleezza attitudeAustralia’s Daily Telegraph reported this week that Coca-Cola has been forced to can a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. And the U.K. Telegraph reported Saturday that Condoleezza Rice defended the Bush administration actions that a group of Stanford students called torture, when they ambushed her recently. Said Rice: “If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people, then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”  Meanwhile, an investigative reporter for KLAS-TV Las Vegas reported last week that the secret to sex clubs success, is that they offer nearly anything you want, with anyone who’s willing.  Pundits are wrestling over ideas of whether women should always be available for sex in Las Vegas, or everywhere Coke is sold, and whether Condi Rice should be the current U.S. president.

Someone named Tony

Someone named Tony

“Condi Rice should be president and Sarah Palin the vice president right now. We’d have common sense, governing experience, and two hot women who don’t take shit from anybody running the country; and have something going for us, instead of this see-a-problem-throw-money-at-it, and see-an-enemy-kiss-their-ass bullshit,” said Tony Krushim-Twice, a small business owner who doubles as a bouncer down at the Dance -n- Jerk Lounge and Weight Lifting Club.  “As far as women being available for sex, that’s their business.  They want to sell it in Vegas or give it away wherever Coca-Cola is sold, that’s up to them.  It’s about personal freedom and individual rights.  I hate all of Obama’s nanny-state crap where federal bureaucrats and politicians are supposed to know better than we are, and they take over half of our income to give to other people and then tell us how to live, because they supposedly know better.  That’s bull.  Condi and Sarah wouldn’t take that crap, or try to pass it off as ‘hope and change’ when its totalitarianism dressed up in socialists clothing.  We should ride Obama and his minions out of D.C. on a rail.  I’m a free man.  That’s what the founders of America had in mind.  That’s what we’ve got to get back to in America.  Damn straight.”

Someone named Susan

Someone named Susan

Not everyone agrees with Krushim-Twice.  “The liberal government knows better than regular Americans do, and should be telling us what we can and can’t do, and how much money we get to keep from our paychecks and how much should be spread around by helpful bureaucrats and Democrats.  No one has a right to freedom, or the money they earn, or where and if they live, only the State can grant that,” said Susan Nayzil-Squez, a terrorist sympathizer who currently advises the U.S. Department of Defense when she’s not protesting against American’s right to bear arms.  “If the State says women should be available for sex then they should be available for sex.  If the State says Coca-Cola has to pay U.S. taxes in addition to foreign taxes on all the money they earn outside of the U.S. then they have to pay them.  It’s not about whether U.S. companies survive or leave the U.S. entirely due to the tax structures that the Obama administration is rolling out, it’s about fairness as defined by those in power.  And Obama is the State today, and the State is power, so he’ll tell you what ‘fair’ is.  It’s not complicated.  Authoritarianism has been around for centuries, just not in America.  You’ll get used to it.  Just do whatever Barack says, and you’ll be fine.  If you won’t, well, then expect to be marginalized, taxed out of business, and basically destroyed.  You don’t want that, so just play along.  That’s how these regimes work.  American’s are kind of slow to figure this out, but they’ll fall in line after a few hard knocks.”

Hot CokeThe Daily Telegraph reported that Coca-Cola has been forced to stop running a TV ad which authorities say suggested women should be available for sex whenever men want it. The Advertising Standards Bureau found the advertisement, though light-hearted, was inappropriate to be on TV when children were watching. In the ad a “hero” man who is breaking up with his girlfriend at a roadside cafe is suddenly surrounded by pole dancers. His dumped girlfriend acknowledges the man doesn’t want to be with just one woman, then offers: “Just call me when you want to have fun”. A series of complaints to the advertising watchdog argued the ad degraded women and promoted casual sex for men. The board noted the ad suggested “men should have multiple partners and that women should make themselves available for sex or ‘fun’ whenever the man wants.” “We certainly did not mean to cause offence,” Coke said in a statement to the bureau.

Condi is for real; picture is faked

Condi is for real; picture is faked

The Telegraph reported that Condoleezza Rice behaved magnificently while being ambushed by left-liberal students at Stanford University with a series of “difficult” questions about torture, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay and US foreign policy under George W Bush. The article said her coolness under fire is magnificent, but more impressive still is her refusal to duck the issues. “Sorry we have to leave”, an official can be heard saying off camera, but Condi isn’t going to take the easy way out: she wants to stand up for her principles and put the pantywaists in their place. “Let me tell you something: unless you were there in a position of responsibility after September 11 you cannot possibly imagine the dilemmas that we faced in trying to protect Americans,” she says.

Rice went on: “A lot of people are second guessing now but let me tell you the second guessing that would have hurt me more is if there had been 3,000 more Americans dying because we didn’t do everything we could to protect them. If you were in a position of authority and watched Americans jumping out of 80-storey buildings because these murderous tyrants go after innocent people then you would have determined to do anything you could that was legal to prevent that happening.”

Condi is similarly robust when rebutting the suggestion that the US has no place dealing with regimes like Saudi Arabia: “You don’t have the luxury in foreign policy of not dealing with a country because you don’t like its human rights practices.” And she is quite withering when the pallid leftie student tries having a go at her about supposed torture at Guantanamo. “Did you know that Guantanamo was called a ‘model medium security prison’ by representatives of the Organization of Security and Cooperation in Europe?” The student reluctantly concedes he hasn’t. “Maybe before you make allegations about Guantanamo, you should READ,” says Condi, with exquisitely measured scorn.  The Telegraph writer said Condi Rice is the “person of color” America really needs in charge right now.

kinky sex clubKLAS-TV Las Vegas reported that sex clubs offer nearly anything you want with anyone who’s willing. They operate in a world of loose regulation, weak enforcement and an anything goes attitude. Technically they are illegal. From wife-swapping to whips and chains, it’s yours if you want it. There is a huge market for clubs that offer every fantasy imaginable for just an entrance fee. County code says that won’t fly. So, why hasn’t there been a crackdown? The answer is more complicated than you’ve heard before. It’s where money, power and sex all come together.

“From bondage, to transgender to Bi to whatever else, we’re the ‘everybody else’ club,” said Mike Powers, the owner and operator of Power Exchange, the newest sex club in Las Vegas. “It’s part of an open-minded alternative aspect of society. It’s like the Elks Club or the Lions, kind of club for extreme interests, perverse interests or bizarre interests.” Clark County code calls sex clubs a “public nuisance.” It defines them as places for “adult social sexual encounters”, where patrons can “voluntarily engage in and/or view” live sex. So, if the county prohibits it, how do the clubs stay in business? The issue is money. Powers brings money into the economy. Powers thinks the county looks the other way because of the taxes and attention he brings to Las Vegas. No one from Clark County or the commissioners wanted to go on camera for the story. They tell Eyewitness News they stand by the ordinance.

Some people say that rule of law is only as strong as its enforcement, and that freedom and democracy is only as strong as its defenders.

Someone named Lynn

Someone named Lynn

“If you can break the law and get away with it, what good is law?  If you say you have individual freedom but the State runs your life, confiscates your financial property through taxation and tells you what doctor you can see and who you can’t, takes ownership of auto companies, insurance companies and financial firms, then dictates executive salaries and so forth, what freedom do you really have,” asked Lynn Browne-Sugare, a bastion of female genius tucked subtly inside a sweet package and sprinkled with common sense.  “Power is at the center of every government and its decisions.  Any time the government increases taxes they take your freedom to spend where you want, on what you want, and where you want, and replace it with a politician’s or bureaucrat’s vision of ‘what’s best’.  Little by little your freedom erodes until all that’s left is the idea, not the reality.  If you won’t stand up for personal freedom and individual rights, the government sure as hell won’t do it for you.  The government will do it to you. What starts as statism, with the government growing in size, scope and power, gradually becomes socialism, then totalitarianism.  Maybe even dictatorship.  Call it what you want, you lose freedom every time the government makes another decision for you, takes another dime from your pocket, ‘helps’ you do what you should be doing for yourself.  Pull your heads out of your collective asses, Americans.  Your freedom is being usurped even as you read this.  Only you can stop it.”

Orwell's 1984In other news, The Boston Globe reported yesterday that MoveOn.org is funding ad’s backing Obama’s push for nationalized healthcare while marginalizing private insurance companies who believe that they can’t compete with taxpayer funded government health insurance. In the ad, two men complain about the public plan option. “It’ll be a disaster for us,” one says.  The second says, “A public healthcare plan means affordable healthcare for everyone. You know what that means. ” The first answers, “Healthy people living longer.”  No word on why you’ll be healthier and live longer if you give control of your healthcare to politicians and bureaucrats who have mismanaged Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and virtually all health and retirement related funding in the U.S. But then maybe we’ve forgotten that it’s all about power.  And the less power you have, the better the government will be able to ‘help’ you.  After all, in the Land of Hope and Change, we are no longer endowed by our Creator with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Only the State can grant those.  Anyone who questions this is on Homeland Security’s terrorist watch list.  And the sad thing is, I’m not making that shit up.  Homeland Security came out and said so.  This isn’t 2008 anymore.  This is 2009’s developing version of Orwell’s 1984.
 
(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Coca-Cola forced to can ad over woman available for sex
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25422198-5006007,00.html

Coca-Cola’s pulled ad:

Condi Rice sticks it to the Stanford bleeding hearts
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/james_delingpole/blog/2009/05/02/condi_rice_sticks_it_to_the_stanford_bleeding_hearts

Condi kicks ass, YouTube clip:

I-Team: Tricks of the Trade in Las Vegas Sex Clubs
http://www.klas-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10275829&nav=menu102_2

Ad spoofs funeral directors on Obama health plan
http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2009/05/ad_spoofs_funer.html

moveon.org ad:

Comments Off on Coca-Cola drops Sex ad, Condi Rice kicks Ass, and Tricks of the Vegas Sex Trade

Filed under Humor, IP News

Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

Comments Off on Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

Filed under Humor, IP News

Obama mobilizes P.R Army, San Fan eyes Pillow Fight ban, and Penis extenders work

> Obama campaign morphs into “Organizing for America”, orders issued
> San Francisco left in Valentines Day pillow fight mess, considers ban
> Italian study says penile extension devise works

Inebriated Press
March 12, 2009

"Organizing for America"

"Organizing for America"

AFP reported Monday that President Obama issued orders via email and video to millions of supporters telling them to lobby on behalf of his budget and economic plan. Obama’s new political machine, “Organizing for America,” is the organization which morphed out of Obama’s campaign machinery to push his agenda when he entered the White House. And UPI reported Monday that San Francisco officials said the mess left by this year’s massive Valentine’s Day pillow fight has led them to consider banning the event. Meanwhile, The Denver Channel reported that an Italian study that followed 21 men up to a year while they wore a penile extender, say it added nearly an inch.  Inebriated reporters hopped up on Vodka, orange juice and some unknown substance; say the world revolves around politics, pillows and sex organs.

Everything is politic

Everything is politic

“Everything is politic and nothing that happens in government, happens in government, without judicious planning, manipulation, maneuver and gamesmanship.  To think otherwise is naive.  To act otherwise is stupid,” said a small dwarf channeling Rahm Emanuel, while dreaming of big busted women and researching basic anatomy for Inebriated Press articles.  “And pillows are key to a good night’s sleep, and sex organs, well; you know what they’re all about.  If you don’t; never mind.”

090312-pillow-fight-b-wNot everyone is as cavalier as dwarves channeling government officials.  “It’s every elected officials dream to make a positive difference in the lives of their constituents, or at least make them think they have.  And to that end the government gift of public pillow fights and studies showing which penis extenders work, act to advance that goal,” said Missy Mae-Mayhem, a public official speaking in an unofficial capacity at an undisclosed location during the off hours.  “It doesn’t matter that pillow fights are meaningless or that the value of a penis is based more on the operator than its size.  All good things exist in the mind and to the extent that we can implant the idea that we’ve helped the populous, well, we’ve helped the populous.  Of course a little rule of law and protection against Islamofascism is okay too, but only if the citizens think so.”

AFP/Google reported that US President Barack Obama mustered his powerful campaign army on Monday, calling on his millions of supporters to lobby on behalf of his budget and economic plan. The appeal to back the president was made in an email and video sent out by “Organizing for America,” the organization which morphed out of Obama’s campaign machinery to push his agenda when he entered the White House.

090312-e-obama-w-bIn the video, Mitch Stewart, the director of Organizing for America, urged the president’s supporters to take part in the “Organizing for America Pledge Project.” “We will show in every state, in every congressional district the hunger, for leadership and long range thinking that’s in too short supply here in Washington,” he said.  Stewart said Obama’s budget provides a “bold blueprint for our country’s future. He said that some will resist change.  “It’s up to you to make sure that they don’t stand in our way,” he said.  The appeal to grass roots supporters closely follows the tactics used by Obama during his triumphant election campaign and is another sign that the president plans to use the organization to help pass difficult legislation.

090312pillowfight-bwUPI reported that San Francisco officials said the mess left by this year’s massive Valentine’s Day pillow fight has led them to take another look at the “flash mob” phenomenon. The pillow fight, which marked its fourth year in February, involved an estimated 1,500 to 3,000 people at Justin Herman Plaza and left the city with thousands of dollars worth of damages and cleanup costs, the San Francisco Chronicle reported Monday. Lisa Seitz Gruwell of the San Francisco Recreation and Park Department said organizers of the event must begin taking responsibility for the event, “otherwise we are going to have to find a way to shut it down.” Mohammed Nuru, deputy director of the Department of Public Works, said the city had to dispatch 69 employees and an extra street sweeper truck to clean up after this year’s pillow fight. “It was quite a mess, much more than we have experienced in previous years,” he said. “Everywhere was feathers.”

Dynamic rods for dynamic rod?

Dynamic rods for dynamic rod?

The Denver Channel reported that men who wear a device meant to extend their penises saw growth of up to 33 percent over six months, according to a new study. The Italian study followed 21 men for up to a year as they used a device with dynamic rods. They wore it for an average of five hours in the first month, five hours in the third month and four hours in the sixth month. Urologist Dr. Paolo Gontero said the average flaccid length at the start was 2.82 inches. After a year, it was 3.72 inches, though there was no increase in girth. “If these results are confirmed by further research, we propose that the device should be used as a first-line treatment option for men seeking a penile lengthening procedure,” he said. The results were published in the March issue of BJU International.

Some people say that all reality is illusion.

Scarlett

Scarlett

“You can’t tell you’re dreaming when you’re dreaming, it’s reality to you, the same as if you were actually doing it in physical space.  Sometimes you wake up sweating because of fear, or because you were lifting heavy things in your mind, or wearing some kind of penile device that pinches,” said Professor Plum, a board game character known for occasionally surprising Miss Scarlet in the dead of night with rope, for reasons suspected but not confirmed.  “So whether you’re mobilizing the masses, battling with pillows or toying with bits of your crotch, it’s all ethereal and conceptual and momentary and illusory.  If its fun do it, if not don’t, who cares. Except for Internal Revenue.  Those IRS bastards are the real deal and will kick your ass if you don’t pay.  I don’t know what’s up with that.”

Talking policy or penile extension?

Talking policy or penile extension?

In other news, The Washington Times reported Sunday that President Obama was so concerned that he had appeared to dismiss a question from New York Times reporters about whether he was a socialist that he called the newspaper back to clarify his policies. The phone call came after the president was asked aboard his plane: “Are you a socialist as some people have suggested?” Obama said he wasn’t, but he acknowledged that, as he told Joe the Plumber, he plans to try to spread the wealth around. No word on why acting like a socialist doesn’t make him one, but perhaps his next command to “Organizing for America” will clear that up – or perhaps all reality is illusion.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Obama musters campaign army for economic fight
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5j21zvfO_1dlWFZWOwb5qL-YTdwgg

San Fran considers pillow fight crackdown
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/03/09/San_Fran_considers_pillow_fight_crackdown/UPI-34171236628051/

Penis Extender Works, Study Finds
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/irresistible/18869265/detail.html

Obama makes Oval Office call to reporters
http://washingtontimes.com/weblogs/joe-curl/2009/Mar/08/obama-makes-oval-office-call-reporters/

Comments Off on Obama mobilizes P.R Army, San Fan eyes Pillow Fight ban, and Penis extenders work

Filed under Humor, IP News

Subsidize me.

090301calvinhobbs1

Comments Off on Subsidize me.

Filed under IP Toons

Terrorists freed after promising to be good, Underwear protests, and, America goes Socialist

> 170 al-Qaida suspects released after pledging to behave
> Women attacked in bar mail pink underwear to anti-women-in-bars group
> American economy morphing into French socialism

Inebriated Press
February 13, 2009

Damn French Socialist

Damn French Socialist

The New York Daily News reported this week that Yemen released 170 al-Qaida terrorist suspects after they signed pledges against terrorism. And BBC News reported that Indians outraged at an attack on women for drinking in a bar are sending underwear to a right-wing activist group.  Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported in a story titled “We are all Socialists Now,” that in many ways the U.S. economy already resembles a European one and that as boomers age and spending grows, America will become even more French.  Pundits are debating whether getting terrorists to promise they’ll be good, embracing socialism, and resisting terror by sending undergarments through the mail, is enough to fix the economic and ethical challenges we face in today’s world.

“I’m all for trying new approaches to old problems, but the idea of using old-failed approaches to current problems isn’t only stupid, it’s naive and dangerous,” said Helene Curtis, a suave red-headed investment banker, with smarts and a body that causes paralysis in four out of five dentists who chew gum.  “The French economy has been a wreck for years, why would the U.S. want to emulate that? And terrorists tell lies like it’s their common language, you can’t believe them when they promise they’ll ‘behave.’  And when it comes down to battling a pro-Taliban-values group that beat women who go into bars — by sending them underpants in the mail — you know we’ve left go of reality as well as common sense.  The reality is we have to fight for civilization by crushing those who would crush us, and cut taxes and free businesses that create jobs and power the economy — not expand bureaucratic government that does nothing but suck the money and freedom out of it’s citizens, the larger it gets.  We have to limit government and terrorists.  Left to their own devises they become the same: totalitarian dictators.”

The French in the Old Days

The French in the Old Days

Not everyone agrees with Curtis. “Fighting violence with violence and forcing the market to drive the economy rather than thoughtful bureaucrats is an enormous mistake that has resulted in the twisted social-economic reality that the world faces today — more food, medical care, goods and services for more people than ever before in the history of the world — and this has got to stop because it’s risky and dangerous,” said someone claiming to be an evangelist and mortician named Ralph Nader, who was rumored to have run for U.S. president, but no one knows for sure.  “Left on it’s own with a modest set of rules every marketplace is scary and unsafe, they must be managed and controlled by well-meaning socialists who only want what’s best for us after they have enough.  You can’t let an economy be run by marketplace demand and allow bad businesses to fail.  It’s ethics like those that get you into trouble.  I’m not sure how, but  I know I’m right.  I’ve always been right.  Everyone on the left is right.  Or something like that.”

090113-dominate-b-wThe New York Daily News reported that Yemen released 170 men it had arrested on suspicion of having ties to al-Qaida, security officials said, two weeks after the terror group announced that Yemen had become the base of its activities for the whole Arabian peninsula. The men were freed Friday and Saturday after signing pledges not to engage in terrorism — a strategy the Yemeni government has often used with those suspected of fighting in militant causes abroad. Elements of al-Qaida have long found a haven in Yemen’s remote hinterland. Last month, Saudi al-Qaida fugitives in Yemen and their Yemeni associates announced in an Internet video that they were joining forces to form a single group. On Saturday, Saudi Arabia issued a list of 85 most wanted living abroad that included two Yemenis. Many of the Saudis on the list are suspected of hiding out in Yemen as well. The officials who announced the release spoke on condition of anonymity because they are not allowed to speak to the press.

Underwear protest poster

Underwear protest poster

BBC News reported that Indians outraged at an attack on women for drinking in a bar have gathered together to send a provocative gift of underwear to right-wing activists. More than 5,000 people, including men, have joined the Facebook group, which calls itself the Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women. The group says it will give the pink underwear to Sri Ram Sena (Army of Lord Ram) on Valentine’s Day on Saturday. It was blamed for the bar attack in the southern city of Mangalore last month. Pramod Mutalik, who heads the little known Ram Sena and is now on bail after he was held following the attack, has said it is “not acceptable” for women to go to bars in India.

Last month’s attack in Mangalore, which was filmed and then broadcast on national television, shocked many Indians. Television pictures showed men chasing and beating up the panicking women. Some of the women, who tripped and fell, were kicked by the men. Women’s groups strongly condemned the attack, which was described by the country’s Women’s Minister Renuka Chaudhury as an attempt to impose Taliban-style values. The Hindu nationalist BJP government in Karnataka state distanced itself from the attack. It said it had nothing to do with Sri Ram Sena. But a BBC correspondent says that right-wing Hindu vigilante groups loosely linked to the BJP are active in many parts of India and have in the past targeted Muslim and Christian minorities as well as events such as Valentine’s Day.

Oui to replace Wall Street Journal

Oui to replace Wall Street Journal

Newsweek Magazine reported that in many ways the U.S. economy already resembles a European one and as boomers age and spending grows, America will become even more like the French.  In essence, everyone is becoming socialist. The article went on to say that the U.S. remains a center-right nation in many ways—particularly culturally, and our instinct, once the crisis passes, will be to try to revert to a more free-market style of capitalism—but it was, under a conservative GOP administration that we enacted the largest expansion of the welfare state in 30 years: prescription drugs for the elderly. People on the right and the left want government to invest in alternative energies in order to break our addiction to foreign oil. And it is unlikely that even the reddest of states will decline federal money for infrastructural improvements.

Authors Jon Meacham and Evan Thomas wrote that if we fail to acknowledge the reality of the growing role of government in the economy, insisting instead on fighting 21st-century wars with 20th-century terms and tactics, then we are doomed to a fractious and unedifying debate. The sooner we understand where we truly stand [we’re all socialists], the sooner we can think more clearly about how to use government in today’s world. Whether we like it or not—or even whether many people have thought much about it or not—the economic numbers clearly suggest that we are headed in a more European direction.

French approach to global warming

French approach to global warming

A decade ago U.S. government spending was 34.3 percent of GDP, compared with 48.2 percent in the euro zone—a roughly 14-point gap, according to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development. In 2010 U.S. spending is expected to be 39.9 percent of GDP, compared with 47.1 percent in the euro zone—a gap of less than 8 points. As entitlement spending rises over the next decade, we will become even more French. Bush brought the Age of Reagan to a close; now Obama has gone further, reversing Bill Clinton’s end of big government.

Some people say that entropy and chaos are part of nature and should be embraced and not resisted.

“Many of the early European settlers on the North American continent had fled Europe for religious freedom, limited government, and opportunity to do what they wanted by carving out hard lives in the mountains and on the plains, taming the rugged landscape and inventing new ways to raise crops and harvest them.  Then they invented unheard of manufacturing and household technologies that built an American economic monster that has been loved and hated around the globe as it freed people from tyranny and made them dependent on goods, services and luxuries that never existed before.  They brought order out of chaos and lifted hardship off the common man, and they fought against nature in the fields and human heart, while they traded worship of the earth for worship of a Judeo-Christian god that gave them inalienable rights.  What a bunch of anti-bureaucracy anti-nature anti-intellectual ass-holes,” said Manfred Friedhelm-Wainwright, a mental giant who knows best, because he can contemplate social-economic theory every day, having inherited a fortune from his dead father who built and sold several businesses during his life time — but apparently didn’t leave his son a lick of common sense.  “Chaos and disorder is natural.  Entropy and disintegration of systems is natural, even organic.  It’s the way all things should be.  Disorder and French pastries and economics are the ways of all good people.  Mailing some underwear to terrorists will work fine, I’m sure it would have stopped Hitler in his tracks and made Stalin rethink his purges.  And if not, well, chaos, mayhem and murder are like chaotic acts of nature and are for the best in the long run.  Just don’t pick on me, I’m above all this stuff and should be treated like royalty.  That’s all we socialists really want you know.”

Islam is a peaceful religion

Islam is a peaceful religion

In other news, Deseret News reported Sunday that Pentagon auditors say there is a possibility that the Army is missing nerve gas because there are discrepancies in records between how much chemical weapons agent was initially stored, and how much of it was later destroyed at Utah’s Deseret Chemical Depot and other bases nationwide. The auditors report said, “The (Army Chemical Materials) Agency didn’t have complete assurance that amounts recorded in the system were accurate, which increased its chances for heightened levels of program scrutiny by federal, state and international organizations that have a vested interest in the elimination of chemical weapons.” Such words can cause shivers among Utahans who remember such things as the death of thousands of sheep in Skull Valley in 1968 that were blamed on nerve gas tests that went awry at nearby Dugway Proving Ground, and Skull Valley residents who have blamed mysterious illnesses on exposure to tiny amounts of nerve agent from such tests. No word on why they’re bothered since chaos is natural, or if they’re going to protest by mailing underwear to military officials.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Official: Yemen releases 170 al-Qaida suspects after they sign pledges against terrorism
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2009/02/08/2009-02-08_official_yemen_releases_170_alqaida_susp.html

Underwear protest at India attack
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7880377.stm

We Are All Socialists Now
http://www.newsweek.com/id/183663/page/2

Nerve agent may be missing
http://deseretnews.com/article/content/mobile/1,5143,705283634,00.html?printView=true

Comments Off on Terrorists freed after promising to be good, Underwear protests, and, America goes Socialist

Filed under Humor, IP News

Driver calls 911 during arrest; Effort to protect kids from snow; and Experts say remove fat kids from families

> Driver Dials 911 While Fighting Officers
> Children Banned from Snowy Parks
> Take Fat Kids from Parents, say Experts

Inebriated Press
February 4, 2009

090204floridahighwaypatrolWFTV Orlando reported Monday that a driver under arrest for speeding on Interstate Highway 4 called 911 for help while fighting a Florida Highway Patrol officer. And the UK Telegraph reported Monday that Camden Council in North London decided to lock its parks because the snow was slippery and children could fall and hurt themselves.  Meanwhile, Australia’s Herald Sun reported Monday that experts are telling authorities that the state should take posession of children by removing them from families with parents who allow them to become too fat.  Pundits are debating the nature of personal responsibility and the nanny state, while others think it’s high time that government rules all aspects of peoples lives.

Someone named Debbi

Someone named Debbi

“When Barack Obama gets a couple of trillion-dollar stiumulus packages out of the way so ACORN can get more funding, and he can focus directly on the social engineering of individuals, he’ll solve the all world’s problems by telling each of us what to do and how to live.  What a relief that will be,” said Debbi Door-Knob Heathcliff, a biped of unknown origin, who lives off the State the way nature intended.  “Parents don’t know how to raise children and the cops can’t be allowed to arrest people with whom they disagree.  We aren’t responsible for our actions or our children, only the State and bureaucrats are smart enough to define reality and the rules needed in order to exist in it.  I slipped on the ice once and if the State had been there to tell me where to walk I wouldn’t have bruised my ass.  Barack has a lot of stuff to fix.  Good thing he’s a light-bringer god.”

Clearly suicidal

Clearly suicidal

Not everyone agrees with Debbi.  “Life is about survival of the fittest and government intervention represents nothing more than failed attempts to control an accident.  Anybody who tells you otherwise is selling someting,” said Butch Malone-Halfpike, a Taekwando instructor and inventor of the Double Helix Flamethrower, recently banned by the Boy Scouts.  “Let the kids slip on the snow and over-eat, for crying out loud that’s what kids do.  And if you can create a diversion by calling 911 when the cops are trying to arrest you, more power to you.  It’s your version of reality versus theirs.  Who’s to say they’re right?  Screw it, do what you want to as much as you can for as long as you can.  Protect kids from snow?  Holy shit!”

Quick, call 911

Quick, call 911

WFTV Orlando reported that they obtained the 911 call made by a driver as he was being taken down by a trooper along busy I-4 near the Beachline over the weekend.  The Florida Highway Patrol released the tape of the 911 call where the suspect can be heard screaming for help, even though the video shows him resisting arrest the whole time. Investigators told Eyewitness News the man was following too closely behind a trooper on I-4. He eventually went around him and the trooper clocked him going 72 in a 65 and pulled him over, but the driver didn’t want to give up his license, insurance and registration. The driver, Kevin Allen, can be seen swinging his arms in the air when a state trooper tried to arrest him. The trooper struggled to slam him to the ground while another trooper ran up to help and the two then struggled to get him under control.

In the 911 call Allen made minutes before the takedown, he told dispatchers the troopers were attacking him. Allen was eventually cuffed and arrested. He’s facing charges of battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest and reckless driving, because he didn’t think he deserved a speeding ticket. “He told the troopers afterwards, it was a matter of principle, that he felt he did nothing wrong, decided to batter a law enforcement officer to prove his point,” Sgt. Kim Miller said.

Risky behavior

Risky behavior

The Telegraph reported that children have been banned from playing in snow-covered parks after health and safety officers deemed them too dangerous. Camden Council in North London decided to lock all of its gated parks because the snow has made paths slippery. It meant that children enjoying a day off because of school closures could not take advantage of the deepest snow for 20 years in at least four popular parks. A spokesman for the council said that grit put down on the pathways on Sunday had not been enough to cope with the heavy snowfall overnight, so the parks had been closed on safety grounds. A spokeswoman for the Council said: “Our priority is caring for vulnerable residents and making the roads safe.”

Quick, take them from their parents!

Quick, take them from their parents!

The Herald Sun reported that child protection authorities should take fat kids into care, experts say, citing a 110cm 40kg four-year-old girl who watched TV for six hours a day. “Jade”, an imaginary girl comprised of several real cases also had tantrums when she was denied food, a report in the Medical Journal of Australia says. The example has obesity experts calling on child protection authorities to take extremely obese children from parents who allow them to become too fat. And a leading child psychologist in Melbourne has backed the call, saying that parents who allow children to become morbidly obese are guilty of child abuse. Dr Shirley Alexander and colleagues from Westmead Children’s Hospital in NSW said the number of obese children had doubled or tripled in many countries in recent years, and doctors needed to act. Melbourne child psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg said taking children from their parents should only be done in extreme cases.

Some people say that common sense is now so uncommon that the term should no longer be used.

090204snowbabe“Once American’s elected a community organizer with less than one-term in the U.S. Senate and no business or governing experience as the President of the United States, I knew that common sense had finally died,” said Missy Moon-Pie, a sweet brunette with big eyes and a creamy filling.  “Of course experts and the government are going ban snowy parks and take fat kids away from their parents.  That’s just the start of things.  Once the regular folks abandon clear thinking and start dialing 911 when they’re being arrested for reckless driving, all that you’ve got left is the KGB, Nazi’s and dictators trying to  bring things under control. That’s why liberalism always ends up becoming totalitarianism.  It’s as natural as out-of-control astroids being grabbed by a planets gravity and crushed in the atmosphere.  Chaos begets domination and power always corrupts.  Stupidity just aids and abeds the process.”

Damn smoker, that'll teach'em

Damn smoker, that'll teach'em

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported Monday that a Sudanese man has been sentenced to 30 lashes for smoking on a domestic Saudi Arabian Airlines flight. Wearing just a thin shirt, he will be flogged by a policeman wielding a reed. The strokes are meant to inflict painful welts that bleed and bruise. The man was arrested when the aircraft landed in Jeddah and handed over to  police. The man apologised in court – and to prove his penitence presented evidence that he was attending a clinic to help him kick his heavy smoking habit. But the judge was keen to make an example and gave a sentence designed to serve  as a deterrent. Under Saudi’s Sharia or Islamic law, flogging is common for a number morals offences ranging from adultery to being alone in the company of an unrelated  person of the opposite sex.  No word on what kind of beatings parents with fat kids get, or what kind of lashing a child who disobeys the rules and plays in slipery snow ought to receive.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Driver Calls 911 While Resisting Officers On I-4
http://www.wftv.com/news/18621731/detail.html?1

Children banned from snow-covered parks by health and safety brigade
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/weather/4434768/Children-banned-from-snow-covered-parks-by-health-and-safety-brigade.html

Take fat kids into care, say experts
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24995715-2862,00.html

Man sentenced to 30 lashes after flouting no smoking ban on Saudi Arabian flight
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1134323/Man-sentenced-30-lashes-flouting-smoking-ban-Saudi-Arabian-flight.html

Comments Off on Driver calls 911 during arrest; Effort to protect kids from snow; and Experts say remove fat kids from families

Filed under Humor, IP News

U.S. Economy and Miss England are Doomed, or Maybe Not

“Black Friday” Sales Were 3% Better Than Last Year
Gas Prices Falling, OPEC Still Pumping
Miss England Grows a Dress Size. Still Looks Hot
 

Inebriated Press
December 1, 2008

Too chubby?!

Too chubby?!

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that sales during the day after Thanksgiving, traditionally called “Black Friday” since it’s used to get retailers profitable and put their ledgers in the “black,” rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion, according to preliminary figures released Saturday by ShopperTrak RCT Corp. And the Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and declining prices may have laid the groundwork for future reductions in an effort to hike the cost of oil.  Meanwhile modeling agencies are telling Miss England that she’s too fat to get a contract because she’s grown into a size 10 dress.  Pundits are debating whether the beauty queen and the economy are really doomed or if the “experts” doth protest too much.

“3% higher sales in a so called economic downturn plus lower gas prices and a curvy Miss England with just a bit more to drool over, doesn’t constitute a world on the edge of collapse,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Sackcloth, an introspective student of buying power and hot blondes, who also writes part-time for reasons unknown.  “So we’ve got some idiots who can’t run car companies and executives who don’t use common sense when making housing loans.  Fire them and put somebody in place with a clue.  Those morons aren’t stopping the regular folks who work hard and make their house payments from shopping if they want to – and that’s the majority of people.  ‘Experts’ think the election is still going on and talk like the economy is in free-fall.  Well, we already elected somebody president and did the ‘change’ thing, so reporters are supposed to start reporting some facts again instead of spin.  Idiots.  Even drunken hoot owls like me can figure this shit out.”

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Not everyone agrees with Sackcloth the hoot owl.  “OPEC will raise prices again soon and finish off our economy, and the sales on Friday won’t make any retailers money because they slashed prices to try and get people into the stores; and as far as Miss England goes, she’s so chubby she’ll never be a model, she needs to be thinner than a pencil like all fine looking women,” said Holly Holindale-Sause, a testy librarian who often whacks kids who whisper too loudly or lean Republican.  “Until this country completes the move into Obamaland’s Western European Socialist model, we won’t live the giddy life that we all deserve.  I expect constant bad news until the day after January 20th.  Only after the inauguration will the moon beams and monkey gods bless us with good news.”

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that the holiday shopping season got off to a surprisingly solid start, according to data released Saturday by a research firm. But the sales boost during the post-Thanksgiving shopathon came at the expense of profits as the nation’s retailers had to slash prices to attract the crowds in a season that is still expected to be the weakest in decades. Last year, shoppers spent about $10.3 billion on the day after Thanksgiving, dubbed Black Friday because it was historically the sales-packed day when retailers would become profitable for the year. This year Sales during the day after Thanksgiving rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion.  “It’s truly amazing when you think about all the news that led into the holiday season, it certainly appears that consumers are willing to spend more than most expected,” said ShopperTrak co-founder Bill Martin. Black Friday is an important barometer of people’s willingness to spend during the holidays.

The Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and a slumping economy potentially laid the groundwork for a big reduction when it meets again in a matter of weeks. The outcome of Saturday’s meeting in Cairo, convened about a month after the group decided to pull 1.5 million barrels per day of oil from the market, seemed unlikely to put a floor beneath crude prices that have fallen by around 60 percent from their mid-July highs of $147 per barrel. Ahead of the meeting, the U.S. benchmark light, sweet crude futures contract settled a penny lower Friday at $54.43 in an abbreviated session on the New York Mercantile Exchange. OPEC ministers, according to a statement, agreed to “take any additional action … to balance oil supply and demand, and achieve market stability” during their Dec. 17 extraordinary meeting in Oran, Algeria.

Fear of curves

Fear of curves

UK’s Daily Star reported Saturday that modeling agencies are turning down sexy Miss England Laura Coleman because she is too fat. The blonde has gone up a dress size to a perfect 10. Miss Coleman, who will take part in Miss World in South Africa next month, has found that most agencies have a problem with her new curves. Laura, 22, said: “I really think the curvy girl should be promoted more as a positive image in the media. But the agencies seemed to have a problem with me when I wasn’t skinny any more.” Eating disorder specialist Emmy Gilbert added: “The fashion world endorses an ideal which can be unattainable or, if achieved, highly dangerous.”

Some people say its way-better to look good and live dangerously than look less attractive and be safe and secure.

“I’m so relieved that voters elected Barack Obama president because he’s much better looking and more articulate than John McCain, even though he’s the more dangerous choice because he has no experience and no track record of managing anything,” said Stacy Wild-Cide, a suicidal Hooters waitress who has risky sex with good-looking men as often as possible.  “If you’re not hot looking and walking on the edge of oblivion you’re not living.  And it’s boring when you’re not living out on the edge.  I’m so happy America isn’t boring anymore.  I’ve got a feeling the next four years are going to be really something.  I’m up for a wild ride.”

Never say die McQueen

Never say die McQueen

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported that a new memoir called “Steve McQueen: The Last Mile” talks about how in McQueen’s last year of life he spent his time living with his girlfriend in a hangar at the Santa Paula Airport. During the day, he learned to pilot a World War II-era biplane. In the evening, the tough-guy superstar would crack open cold beers with grease monkeys, fledgling pilots and aging flyboys who still had a few loop-de-loops left in them. On Saturday nights, the couple kicked back in their hangar — really a big storage shed — to watch “The Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island” on a black-and-white TV. Dinner was often a feed at the local Chinese restaurant. No word on whether McQueen spent any time worried about his babes dress size or the economy, but the fact is he was doomed but still had a good time anyway.  And when you get right down to it, we’re all going to go sometime.  It’s up to us to decide whether we want to spend our time pissing and moaning or have a little fun on the way out.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on U.S. Economy and Miss England are Doomed, or Maybe Not

Filed under Humor, IP News

NASA Lander Dies, So Does Drilling for Oil and Definition of Terrorist

Mars lander appears to have finally passed away
Obama to use executive powers to block drilling leases
Obama to transfer men formerly known as terrorists, to US from Guantanamo, try them as criminals

Inebriated Press
November 12, 2008

BetaNews reported yesterday that NASA’s Phoenix Mars lander has not issued any transmissions in a week, and it appears that it has run out of energy and “died”.  The death wasn’t unexpected. And Mathaba News Network reported Monday that president elect Obama will use executive power to reverse Bush era directives, including blocking new oil drilling leases on land in Utah. This was also not unexpected.  In addition, UK’s Times Online reported that aides to Barack Obama said yesterday, that he will move swiftly to close Guantanamo Bay and ship the “terrorist suspects” to the U.S. mainland where they will be tried as criminals. This wasn’t unexpected either.  American’s who have feared that an Obama presidency will display the man represented by his past community activist days and liberal leanings, plus his radical friends and associates, are seeing the very thing they expected.  And so are liberals as they cling to faith in anti-god and anti-guns.

“The power of change is alive, well and dominating America, and the U.S. will not be the same when we’re through converting it into a progressive European styled socialist welfare state that’s tolerant of fascists, drug users and Russian domination, but stands against personal responsibility, traditional religious teachings and conservative values,” said Libby Archetype, a multi-cultural bisexual policy expert, at the Change for Any Reason Institute, and director of the Obama as God Project.  “The old ways of doing and thinking are gone, swept away by the waters of reasonless optimism, baseless enthusiasm and blind faith in The One. There are no terrorists, only petty criminals who need training in positive self esteem, and there is no energy problem, only oodles of sun beams waiting to replace fossil fuels on January 20th.  And Barack will bring the NASA lander back to life.  It isn’t dead; it’s just frozen in the past by lifeless Bush rhetoric and clumsy but somehow successful protection of the country after 9-11.  Barack will change everything.”

Not everyone agrees with Archetype.  “Any decision to stop the search and development of oil while we continue developing new sources of energy is misguided, and any change to prosecuting men found on a battlefield to the same as a guy with too many parking tickets, is a perversion of both justice and common sense,” said Rock Hardd-Core, a muscle-bound philosophy professor often confused for someone else.  “I’m not arguing that we shouldn’t do something with the guys on Guantanamo, I’ve got plenty of ideas I can share but you can’t put them in print. But the notion that suddenly terrorists and war combatants’ are petty criminals with the rights of a U.S. citizen is absurd.  The Mars lander has died alright, and so has the last vestige of plain thinking and American logic.  God help us all.  No not that one, the Real One.”

BetaNews reported that Phoenix spacecraft appears to have finally passed away, although not before accomplishing its main NASA missions around exploring the terrain and weather conditions of the so-called “Red Planet.” On Monday, managers of the NASA spacecraft announced they are suspending any operations related to the vehicle until next spring, given that they haven’t received any transmissions from it for a week. The death of the Phoenix wasn’t unexpected, since the Martian winter had set in and the Phoenix’s solar panels had started to generate less energy. Still, NASA managers had hoped to eek out a few more weeks of performance from the craft. But right after the Phoenix completed its last major experiment on October 27, an unanticipated dust storm struck, and on-board batteries — already strained by running the experiment — started to give way. The space vehicle put itself into a low-energy safe mode, and then stopped sending signals. The Phoenix started to come back to life intermittently on October 30, but never managed to completely recharge its batteries, finally fading away.

Mathaba News Network quoted John Podesta, head of Obama’s transition team: “There’s a lot the president can do using his executive authority without waiting for congressional action.” The article went on to explain that President-elect Barack Obama will likely use his executive powers after taking office to block new drilling leases on environmentally sensitive land in Utah and to allow federal funding of stem-cell research, putting a quick mark on policy making. Podesta said Obama is “a transformational figure” and that the support he received among voters in some Republican states and conservative counties gives him a mandate to pursue his agenda aggressively.

The Times Online reported that Barack Obama will move swiftly to close Guantanamo Bay as soon as he takes office, his aides said Monday, in a clear and early sign of how determined he is to break with President Bush. Mr Obama is planning to ship dozens of terrorist suspects from the camp to face criminal trial in the US. He is looking at creating a new “terrorism court” on the US mainland to try up to 80 terror suspects, including Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the self-confessed September 11 master-mind. Mr Obama said last week that he would close the camp “as quickly as we can do prudently”. The move will face stiff opposition from many Republicans on Capitol Hill and a substantial number of Americans who strongly oppose bringing terror suspects to US soil with traditional rules of evidence that give those being prosecuted the presumption of innocence.
 
Some pundits argue that everyone is innocent because ethics are relative and law is subjective and arbitrary; as such they say, it can not be legally enforced.

“The true nature of life is evolutionary and changing as particles and matter spin about in a chaotic mass of time, chance, revolution and maybe-mightbe; Darwin taught us that, and we should know better than to attempt to put constraints on human nature, or try to bring order from chaos” said Misty Sunbeam-Notbright, a scholar of extraordinary clarity and vibrancy, whose only vice is her authoritarian bent to bully everyone into doing what she wants, and her intolerance of ideas not her own.  “There is no such thing as good or evil, there is no truth or lie, all is universal oneness, and discomfort is just the occasional friction of growth and newness as we evolve into greater beings.  Hand me that med bottle will you, I seem to have evolved a cold sore and man does it sting.”

In other news, Times Online reported last Friday that gun stores across the United States are reporting a massive surge in sales as buyers rush to stockpile firearms in case of a ban under soon-to-be President Obama. “He’s a gun-snatcher,” Jim Pruett, owner of Jim Pruett’s Guns and Ammo in northwest Houston, told the newspaper. “He wants to take our guns from us and create a socialist society policed by his own police force.”  Obama’s much reported remark that “bitter” small town Americans “cling to guns and religion” seems to have resonated with some citizens, and they’re cling to god and guns more tightly than ever. No word on how the left explains the evolution of citizens who have a sudden need to protect themselves and their rights, but perhaps it’s a case of “anti-transformational” discord that Obama and his suspects formerly known as terrorists, have elicited.  Or maybe common sense isn’t dead after all.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on NASA Lander Dies, So Does Drilling for Oil and Definition of Terrorist

Filed under Humor, IP News

Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Filed under Humor, IP News, NEWS

New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on New American Idol: Barack Obama

Filed under Humor, IP News, NEWS