Tag Archives: socialism

Driver calls 911 during arrest; Effort to protect kids from snow; and Experts say remove fat kids from families

> Driver Dials 911 While Fighting Officers
> Children Banned from Snowy Parks
> Take Fat Kids from Parents, say Experts

Inebriated Press
February 4, 2009

090204floridahighwaypatrolWFTV Orlando reported Monday that a driver under arrest for speeding on Interstate Highway 4 called 911 for help while fighting a Florida Highway Patrol officer. And the UK Telegraph reported Monday that Camden Council in North London decided to lock its parks because the snow was slippery and children could fall and hurt themselves.  Meanwhile, Australia’s Herald Sun reported Monday that experts are telling authorities that the state should take posession of children by removing them from families with parents who allow them to become too fat.  Pundits are debating the nature of personal responsibility and the nanny state, while others think it’s high time that government rules all aspects of peoples lives.

Someone named Debbi

Someone named Debbi

“When Barack Obama gets a couple of trillion-dollar stiumulus packages out of the way so ACORN can get more funding, and he can focus directly on the social engineering of individuals, he’ll solve the all world’s problems by telling each of us what to do and how to live.  What a relief that will be,” said Debbi Door-Knob Heathcliff, a biped of unknown origin, who lives off the State the way nature intended.  “Parents don’t know how to raise children and the cops can’t be allowed to arrest people with whom they disagree.  We aren’t responsible for our actions or our children, only the State and bureaucrats are smart enough to define reality and the rules needed in order to exist in it.  I slipped on the ice once and if the State had been there to tell me where to walk I wouldn’t have bruised my ass.  Barack has a lot of stuff to fix.  Good thing he’s a light-bringer god.”

Clearly suicidal

Clearly suicidal

Not everyone agrees with Debbi.  “Life is about survival of the fittest and government intervention represents nothing more than failed attempts to control an accident.  Anybody who tells you otherwise is selling someting,” said Butch Malone-Halfpike, a Taekwando instructor and inventor of the Double Helix Flamethrower, recently banned by the Boy Scouts.  “Let the kids slip on the snow and over-eat, for crying out loud that’s what kids do.  And if you can create a diversion by calling 911 when the cops are trying to arrest you, more power to you.  It’s your version of reality versus theirs.  Who’s to say they’re right?  Screw it, do what you want to as much as you can for as long as you can.  Protect kids from snow?  Holy shit!”

Quick, call 911

Quick, call 911

WFTV Orlando reported that they obtained the 911 call made by a driver as he was being taken down by a trooper along busy I-4 near the Beachline over the weekend.  The Florida Highway Patrol released the tape of the 911 call where the suspect can be heard screaming for help, even though the video shows him resisting arrest the whole time. Investigators told Eyewitness News the man was following too closely behind a trooper on I-4. He eventually went around him and the trooper clocked him going 72 in a 65 and pulled him over, but the driver didn’t want to give up his license, insurance and registration. The driver, Kevin Allen, can be seen swinging his arms in the air when a state trooper tried to arrest him. The trooper struggled to slam him to the ground while another trooper ran up to help and the two then struggled to get him under control.

In the 911 call Allen made minutes before the takedown, he told dispatchers the troopers were attacking him. Allen was eventually cuffed and arrested. He’s facing charges of battery on a law enforcement officer, resisting arrest and reckless driving, because he didn’t think he deserved a speeding ticket. “He told the troopers afterwards, it was a matter of principle, that he felt he did nothing wrong, decided to batter a law enforcement officer to prove his point,” Sgt. Kim Miller said.

Risky behavior

Risky behavior

The Telegraph reported that children have been banned from playing in snow-covered parks after health and safety officers deemed them too dangerous. Camden Council in North London decided to lock all of its gated parks because the snow has made paths slippery. It meant that children enjoying a day off because of school closures could not take advantage of the deepest snow for 20 years in at least four popular parks. A spokesman for the council said that grit put down on the pathways on Sunday had not been enough to cope with the heavy snowfall overnight, so the parks had been closed on safety grounds. A spokeswoman for the Council said: “Our priority is caring for vulnerable residents and making the roads safe.”

Quick, take them from their parents!

Quick, take them from their parents!

The Herald Sun reported that child protection authorities should take fat kids into care, experts say, citing a 110cm 40kg four-year-old girl who watched TV for six hours a day. “Jade”, an imaginary girl comprised of several real cases also had tantrums when she was denied food, a report in the Medical Journal of Australia says. The example has obesity experts calling on child protection authorities to take extremely obese children from parents who allow them to become too fat. And a leading child psychologist in Melbourne has backed the call, saying that parents who allow children to become morbidly obese are guilty of child abuse. Dr Shirley Alexander and colleagues from Westmead Children’s Hospital in NSW said the number of obese children had doubled or tripled in many countries in recent years, and doctors needed to act. Melbourne child psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg said taking children from their parents should only be done in extreme cases.

Some people say that common sense is now so uncommon that the term should no longer be used.

090204snowbabe“Once American’s elected a community organizer with less than one-term in the U.S. Senate and no business or governing experience as the President of the United States, I knew that common sense had finally died,” said Missy Moon-Pie, a sweet brunette with big eyes and a creamy filling.  “Of course experts and the government are going ban snowy parks and take fat kids away from their parents.  That’s just the start of things.  Once the regular folks abandon clear thinking and start dialing 911 when they’re being arrested for reckless driving, all that you’ve got left is the KGB, Nazi’s and dictators trying to  bring things under control. That’s why liberalism always ends up becoming totalitarianism.  It’s as natural as out-of-control astroids being grabbed by a planets gravity and crushed in the atmosphere.  Chaos begets domination and power always corrupts.  Stupidity just aids and abeds the process.”

Damn smoker, that'll teach'em

Damn smoker, that'll teach'em

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported Monday that a Sudanese man has been sentenced to 30 lashes for smoking on a domestic Saudi Arabian Airlines flight. Wearing just a thin shirt, he will be flogged by a policeman wielding a reed. The strokes are meant to inflict painful welts that bleed and bruise. The man was arrested when the aircraft landed in Jeddah and handed over to  police. The man apologised in court – and to prove his penitence presented evidence that he was attending a clinic to help him kick his heavy smoking habit. But the judge was keen to make an example and gave a sentence designed to serve  as a deterrent. Under Saudi’s Sharia or Islamic law, flogging is common for a number morals offences ranging from adultery to being alone in the company of an unrelated  person of the opposite sex.  No word on what kind of beatings parents with fat kids get, or what kind of lashing a child who disobeys the rules and plays in slipery snow ought to receive.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Driver Calls 911 While Resisting Officers On I-4
http://www.wftv.com/news/18621731/detail.html?1

Children banned from snow-covered parks by health and safety brigade
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/weather/4434768/Children-banned-from-snow-covered-parks-by-health-and-safety-brigade.html

Take fat kids into care, say experts
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24995715-2862,00.html

Man sentenced to 30 lashes after flouting no smoking ban on Saudi Arabian flight
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1134323/Man-sentenced-30-lashes-flouting-smoking-ban-Saudi-Arabian-flight.html

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U.S. Economy and Miss England are Doomed, or Maybe Not

“Black Friday” Sales Were 3% Better Than Last Year
Gas Prices Falling, OPEC Still Pumping
Miss England Grows a Dress Size. Still Looks Hot
 

Inebriated Press
December 1, 2008

Too chubby?!

Too chubby?!

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that sales during the day after Thanksgiving, traditionally called “Black Friday” since it’s used to get retailers profitable and put their ledgers in the “black,” rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion, according to preliminary figures released Saturday by ShopperTrak RCT Corp. And the Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and declining prices may have laid the groundwork for future reductions in an effort to hike the cost of oil.  Meanwhile modeling agencies are telling Miss England that she’s too fat to get a contract because she’s grown into a size 10 dress.  Pundits are debating whether the beauty queen and the economy are really doomed or if the “experts” doth protest too much.

“3% higher sales in a so called economic downturn plus lower gas prices and a curvy Miss England with just a bit more to drool over, doesn’t constitute a world on the edge of collapse,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Sackcloth, an introspective student of buying power and hot blondes, who also writes part-time for reasons unknown.  “So we’ve got some idiots who can’t run car companies and executives who don’t use common sense when making housing loans.  Fire them and put somebody in place with a clue.  Those morons aren’t stopping the regular folks who work hard and make their house payments from shopping if they want to – and that’s the majority of people.  ‘Experts’ think the election is still going on and talk like the economy is in free-fall.  Well, we already elected somebody president and did the ‘change’ thing, so reporters are supposed to start reporting some facts again instead of spin.  Idiots.  Even drunken hoot owls like me can figure this shit out.”

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Our Saudi pals want your money.

Not everyone agrees with Sackcloth the hoot owl.  “OPEC will raise prices again soon and finish off our economy, and the sales on Friday won’t make any retailers money because they slashed prices to try and get people into the stores; and as far as Miss England goes, she’s so chubby she’ll never be a model, she needs to be thinner than a pencil like all fine looking women,” said Holly Holindale-Sause, a testy librarian who often whacks kids who whisper too loudly or lean Republican.  “Until this country completes the move into Obamaland’s Western European Socialist model, we won’t live the giddy life that we all deserve.  I expect constant bad news until the day after January 20th.  Only after the inauguration will the moon beams and monkey gods bless us with good news.”

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that the holiday shopping season got off to a surprisingly solid start, according to data released Saturday by a research firm. But the sales boost during the post-Thanksgiving shopathon came at the expense of profits as the nation’s retailers had to slash prices to attract the crowds in a season that is still expected to be the weakest in decades. Last year, shoppers spent about $10.3 billion on the day after Thanksgiving, dubbed Black Friday because it was historically the sales-packed day when retailers would become profitable for the year. This year Sales during the day after Thanksgiving rose 3 percent to $10.6 billion.  “It’s truly amazing when you think about all the news that led into the holiday season, it certainly appears that consumers are willing to spend more than most expected,” said ShopperTrak co-founder Bill Martin. Black Friday is an important barometer of people’s willingness to spend during the holidays.

The Associated Press reported that OPEC held off on announcing new oil output cuts on Saturday, but its alarm over falling demand and a slumping economy potentially laid the groundwork for a big reduction when it meets again in a matter of weeks. The outcome of Saturday’s meeting in Cairo, convened about a month after the group decided to pull 1.5 million barrels per day of oil from the market, seemed unlikely to put a floor beneath crude prices that have fallen by around 60 percent from their mid-July highs of $147 per barrel. Ahead of the meeting, the U.S. benchmark light, sweet crude futures contract settled a penny lower Friday at $54.43 in an abbreviated session on the New York Mercantile Exchange. OPEC ministers, according to a statement, agreed to “take any additional action … to balance oil supply and demand, and achieve market stability” during their Dec. 17 extraordinary meeting in Oran, Algeria.

Fear of curves

Fear of curves

UK’s Daily Star reported Saturday that modeling agencies are turning down sexy Miss England Laura Coleman because she is too fat. The blonde has gone up a dress size to a perfect 10. Miss Coleman, who will take part in Miss World in South Africa next month, has found that most agencies have a problem with her new curves. Laura, 22, said: “I really think the curvy girl should be promoted more as a positive image in the media. But the agencies seemed to have a problem with me when I wasn’t skinny any more.” Eating disorder specialist Emmy Gilbert added: “The fashion world endorses an ideal which can be unattainable or, if achieved, highly dangerous.”

Some people say its way-better to look good and live dangerously than look less attractive and be safe and secure.

“I’m so relieved that voters elected Barack Obama president because he’s much better looking and more articulate than John McCain, even though he’s the more dangerous choice because he has no experience and no track record of managing anything,” said Stacy Wild-Cide, a suicidal Hooters waitress who has risky sex with good-looking men as often as possible.  “If you’re not hot looking and walking on the edge of oblivion you’re not living.  And it’s boring when you’re not living out on the edge.  I’m so happy America isn’t boring anymore.  I’ve got a feeling the next four years are going to be really something.  I’m up for a wild ride.”

Never say die McQueen

Never say die McQueen

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported that a new memoir called “Steve McQueen: The Last Mile” talks about how in McQueen’s last year of life he spent his time living with his girlfriend in a hangar at the Santa Paula Airport. During the day, he learned to pilot a World War II-era biplane. In the evening, the tough-guy superstar would crack open cold beers with grease monkeys, fledgling pilots and aging flyboys who still had a few loop-de-loops left in them. On Saturday nights, the couple kicked back in their hangar — really a big storage shed — to watch “The Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island” on a black-and-white TV. Dinner was often a feed at the local Chinese restaurant. No word on whether McQueen spent any time worried about his babes dress size or the economy, but the fact is he was doomed but still had a good time anyway.  And when you get right down to it, we’re all going to go sometime.  It’s up to us to decide whether we want to spend our time pissing and moaning or have a little fun on the way out.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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NASA Lander Dies, So Does Drilling for Oil and Definition of Terrorist

Mars lander appears to have finally passed away
Obama to use executive powers to block drilling leases
Obama to transfer men formerly known as terrorists, to US from Guantanamo, try them as criminals

Inebriated Press
November 12, 2008

BetaNews reported yesterday that NASA’s Phoenix Mars lander has not issued any transmissions in a week, and it appears that it has run out of energy and “died”.  The death wasn’t unexpected. And Mathaba News Network reported Monday that president elect Obama will use executive power to reverse Bush era directives, including blocking new oil drilling leases on land in Utah. This was also not unexpected.  In addition, UK’s Times Online reported that aides to Barack Obama said yesterday, that he will move swiftly to close Guantanamo Bay and ship the “terrorist suspects” to the U.S. mainland where they will be tried as criminals. This wasn’t unexpected either.  American’s who have feared that an Obama presidency will display the man represented by his past community activist days and liberal leanings, plus his radical friends and associates, are seeing the very thing they expected.  And so are liberals as they cling to faith in anti-god and anti-guns.

“The power of change is alive, well and dominating America, and the U.S. will not be the same when we’re through converting it into a progressive European styled socialist welfare state that’s tolerant of fascists, drug users and Russian domination, but stands against personal responsibility, traditional religious teachings and conservative values,” said Libby Archetype, a multi-cultural bisexual policy expert, at the Change for Any Reason Institute, and director of the Obama as God Project.  “The old ways of doing and thinking are gone, swept away by the waters of reasonless optimism, baseless enthusiasm and blind faith in The One. There are no terrorists, only petty criminals who need training in positive self esteem, and there is no energy problem, only oodles of sun beams waiting to replace fossil fuels on January 20th.  And Barack will bring the NASA lander back to life.  It isn’t dead; it’s just frozen in the past by lifeless Bush rhetoric and clumsy but somehow successful protection of the country after 9-11.  Barack will change everything.”

Not everyone agrees with Archetype.  “Any decision to stop the search and development of oil while we continue developing new sources of energy is misguided, and any change to prosecuting men found on a battlefield to the same as a guy with too many parking tickets, is a perversion of both justice and common sense,” said Rock Hardd-Core, a muscle-bound philosophy professor often confused for someone else.  “I’m not arguing that we shouldn’t do something with the guys on Guantanamo, I’ve got plenty of ideas I can share but you can’t put them in print. But the notion that suddenly terrorists and war combatants’ are petty criminals with the rights of a U.S. citizen is absurd.  The Mars lander has died alright, and so has the last vestige of plain thinking and American logic.  God help us all.  No not that one, the Real One.”

BetaNews reported that Phoenix spacecraft appears to have finally passed away, although not before accomplishing its main NASA missions around exploring the terrain and weather conditions of the so-called “Red Planet.” On Monday, managers of the NASA spacecraft announced they are suspending any operations related to the vehicle until next spring, given that they haven’t received any transmissions from it for a week. The death of the Phoenix wasn’t unexpected, since the Martian winter had set in and the Phoenix’s solar panels had started to generate less energy. Still, NASA managers had hoped to eek out a few more weeks of performance from the craft. But right after the Phoenix completed its last major experiment on October 27, an unanticipated dust storm struck, and on-board batteries — already strained by running the experiment — started to give way. The space vehicle put itself into a low-energy safe mode, and then stopped sending signals. The Phoenix started to come back to life intermittently on October 30, but never managed to completely recharge its batteries, finally fading away.

Mathaba News Network quoted John Podesta, head of Obama’s transition team: “There’s a lot the president can do using his executive authority without waiting for congressional action.” The article went on to explain that President-elect Barack Obama will likely use his executive powers after taking office to block new drilling leases on environmentally sensitive land in Utah and to allow federal funding of stem-cell research, putting a quick mark on policy making. Podesta said Obama is “a transformational figure” and that the support he received among voters in some Republican states and conservative counties gives him a mandate to pursue his agenda aggressively.

The Times Online reported that Barack Obama will move swiftly to close Guantanamo Bay as soon as he takes office, his aides said Monday, in a clear and early sign of how determined he is to break with President Bush. Mr Obama is planning to ship dozens of terrorist suspects from the camp to face criminal trial in the US. He is looking at creating a new “terrorism court” on the US mainland to try up to 80 terror suspects, including Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the self-confessed September 11 master-mind. Mr Obama said last week that he would close the camp “as quickly as we can do prudently”. The move will face stiff opposition from many Republicans on Capitol Hill and a substantial number of Americans who strongly oppose bringing terror suspects to US soil with traditional rules of evidence that give those being prosecuted the presumption of innocence.
 
Some pundits argue that everyone is innocent because ethics are relative and law is subjective and arbitrary; as such they say, it can not be legally enforced.

“The true nature of life is evolutionary and changing as particles and matter spin about in a chaotic mass of time, chance, revolution and maybe-mightbe; Darwin taught us that, and we should know better than to attempt to put constraints on human nature, or try to bring order from chaos” said Misty Sunbeam-Notbright, a scholar of extraordinary clarity and vibrancy, whose only vice is her authoritarian bent to bully everyone into doing what she wants, and her intolerance of ideas not her own.  “There is no such thing as good or evil, there is no truth or lie, all is universal oneness, and discomfort is just the occasional friction of growth and newness as we evolve into greater beings.  Hand me that med bottle will you, I seem to have evolved a cold sore and man does it sting.”

In other news, Times Online reported last Friday that gun stores across the United States are reporting a massive surge in sales as buyers rush to stockpile firearms in case of a ban under soon-to-be President Obama. “He’s a gun-snatcher,” Jim Pruett, owner of Jim Pruett’s Guns and Ammo in northwest Houston, told the newspaper. “He wants to take our guns from us and create a socialist society policed by his own police force.”  Obama’s much reported remark that “bitter” small town Americans “cling to guns and religion” seems to have resonated with some citizens, and they’re cling to god and guns more tightly than ever. No word on how the left explains the evolution of citizens who have a sudden need to protect themselves and their rights, but perhaps it’s a case of “anti-transformational” discord that Obama and his suspects formerly known as terrorists, have elicited.  Or maybe common sense isn’t dead after all.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Great Sex Before Lock-Up, Cut Taxes to Get Talent, and Dirty Handed Women

Hedge Fund CEO has “crazy sex” after sentencing
Personal Tax Rates Fall Worldwide as Governments Pursue Best Workers
Women carry more bacteria on their hands than men

Inebriated Press
November 5, 2008

As income earning American citizens ponder years of future tax prison, some find it instructive to consider what hedge fund CEO Sam Israel did before he handed himself over to the authorities to begin serving his sentence: according to the New York Post, he had “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan.  Meanwhile, Tax-News.com reported that top personal tax rates have fallen worldwide from an average of 31.3% to 28.8% as countries slash rates to keep and acquire top quality workers.  But not everyone is concerned about sex and taxes; they’re worried that women are all being caught dirty-handed.  According to USA Today, women’s hands contain more bacteria than men do, and a lot more variety.  Pundits debate the next four years of American history and wonder if they should wash their hands of bacteria and taxes, then have sex and move to Ireland.

“We all knew that with the $700 billion bail-out and trillions of national debt, that we Americans were going to be paying higher taxes; the only difference was how much and how soon.  The only real decision was whether we’d pick Obama and get tax hikes bigger and faster, or McCain and have fewer coming at us slower,” said Horatio Hu, a company owner and part-time Dr. Seuss character, who listens well and doubts most things politicians claim.  “Meanwhile corporations in Ireland have profits taxed at 12.5% and individuals pay 20% up to $50,000 and then 41% on income above that.  I’m having crazy sex with my wife Sally right after she washes her hands, and then moving my company and family to Ireland.  That way I get to have my cake and eat it too.  Or something like that.”

Not everyone is as selfish as Hu.  “We should all stay here in America and pay higher taxes and live with our dirty hands,” said a U.S. welfare and multiple-government-program hand-out recipient, dreaming of better times.  “I got all the sex I want and have kids strewn all over the east side.  People need to pay more taxes so Uncle Sam can give the kids mothers’ bigger checks to get along.  Damn rich people have been able to keep too much of their own money for way too long.  That shit’s got to end or I’m going to wash my hands of American style socialism and join the Communist Party.”

The New York Post reported Monday that the first thing Sam Israel, the CEO of collapsed hedge fund Bayou, did after receiving a 20-year sentence to federal prison in April, was have “crazy sex” with his girlfriend, Debra Ryan. Israel, 48, faked his own death in June to avoid prison by scrawling “Suicide Is Painless” on the hood of his abandoned car. He’d already been sentenced and ordered to pay his swindled victims $350 million, but the judge had given him “six weeks to settle his affairs.” Israel vanished the morning he was supposed to surrender. Weeks later, his mother handed him over to authorities. Now Ryan, who confessed to helping her boyfriend flee, opens up to Marie Claire magazine about their relationship. The leggy blonde described Israel as a “holy lamb,” even though her romance with him left her $500,000 in debt and with a criminal record.

Tax-News.com reported last Friday that top personal income tax rates around the world have fallen by an average of 2.5% in the past six years, as governments strive to balance their need for revenue with the impact of increasing global labor mobility, a new study from KPMG International has found. Worldwide, top personal tax rates have fallen from an average of 31.3% in 2003 to 28.8% in 2008. But European Union (EU) taxpayers still pay the highest rates, at an average of 36.4%, followed by taxpayers in the Asia Pacific countries with an average of 34.6% and those of Latin America at 26.9%, KPMG said. Excluding those countries which levy no tax at all, the lowest EU rate is in Bulgaria, with a newly introduced flat rate of 10%, down from 24%. In Asia Pacific the lowest is in Hong Kong, with 16% and in Latin America it is in Paraguay with 10%.

According to a New York Times article published January 2008, the tax on corporate profits in Ireland is 12.5 percent, which is an incentive to own a business. Personal income tax rates in Ireland today are 20 percent on the first $50,000 of income and 41 percent on income above that. The Group, Enterprise Ireland, has also been putting up initial capital for venture investment funds and supports research and development. “We must support new approaches, nanotechnology, biotechnology and other sciences,” said Kevin Sherry, a director of Enterprise Ireland, who specializes in start-up companies. “Because we cannot succeed in the future using what got us here in the past.” 

USA Today reported Monday that a new study found women have a greater variety of bacteria on their hands than men do. “The sheer number of bacteria species detected on the hands of the study participants was a big surprise, and so was the greater diversity of bacteria we found on the hands of women,” said lead researcher Noah Fierer, an assistant professor in Colorado’s department of ecology and evolutionary biology. The researchers aren’t sure why women harbored a greater variety of bacteria than men, but Fierer suggested it may have to so with the acidity of the skin. University of Colorado biochemistry assistant professor Rob Knight, a co-author of the paper, said men generally have more acidic skin than women. Asked if guys should worry about holding hands with girls, Knight said: “I guess it depends on which girl.”  Some people say that just as some girls have fewer bacteria than others there-by reflecting differences in risk and reward to male suitors, so too, some countries have a better tax structure and there-by reflect differences in risk and reward to high quality workers.

“I’m checking all the women I’m considering building a life with for bacteria first, and I’m checking all the countries I’m considering building a business in for tax levels on business and personal income,” said Ima Genius-Corp, a hard working American-born guy who values long-term physical and financial health.  “I’m not having ‘crazy sex’ or starting a ‘crazy business’ just anywhere and anytime.  I’m done with this ‘I was born here and so I’ll start a business here and get married to whomever is cute and nearby’ stuff. If germs and the government are going to treat me as so much fodder then I’m fighting back by sticking with my American derived principles and becoming a global citizen.  I didn’t leave my country, my country left me.”

In other news, The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that the “Rapture Index,” a web based “end of the world” indicator, modeled after the Dow Jones Industrial Average and run by Todd Strandberg of Bellevue, Nebraska, is now receiving 50,000 hits a day [raptureready.com]. The Index consists of 45 categories of prophetic indicators from the occult to inflation and the crime rate. According to Strandberg the current economic downturn, the war in Iraq and the uncertainty of what will really happen after the U.S. presidential election, is causing many to think that the end of the world is at hand.  No word on whether the website suggests moving to Ireland or having crazy sex will help, but I’m washing my hands more because it’s the easiest thing I can do to try and improve my chance of survival in the days ahead. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Animal-Human Embryos OK’d, Small-Chested Drivers Dodge Ban, and One Man’s Fight to Marry a Comic Book Character

United Kingdom passes law allowing creation of animal-human embryos
Vietnam suspends plan to ban small-chested drivers
Japanese man petitions government to marry comic book character
Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008
Barack Obama and John McCain

Barack Obama and John McCain

With the eyes of the United States focused on the presidential election between Barack Obama and John McCain, and talk of freedom, socialism and a brave new world swirls around citizens ankles like autumn leaves in mid-America, the rest of the world is busy hammering out the details of human-animal cloning, small chested car drivers and human-cartoon-character weddings.

The Straights Times reported last week that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos and also ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can be harvested in order to treat them. And the Times Herald-Record reported that Vietnam’s Health Ministry, facing mounting criticism, suspended a plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. Meanwhile a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to pressure the government into allowing marriages between humans and cartoon characters. While America plays politics, other global citizens stick to business.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

“If Americans had half a brain they’d know that politics and candidates are irrelevant to the future and only clones, chest-size and cartoon characters hold the keys to power and contextual bliss in the age ahead,” said Georgia O’Malley, a former French neo-Nazi and current World-Champion Stripper-Hula-Hoopist.  “Until I won the Stripper Hula-Hoop championship after getting silicon implants, marrying a Superman comic book and cloning myself for future parts, my life had little meaning and was boring to boot.  But now I’m a winner, I’ve got a new me growing for parts in Britain and I have a chest that gives me the right to drive in Vietnam.  I can read my husband like the comic book he is, and have renewed freedom and confidence in a worldwide spiritual awakening lead by Barack Obama.  It’s true that I still can’t find my socks and forget my own name occasionally, but that’s only jet-lag because I’m a futuristic babe on course to vote for the next U.S. president in Ohio.  Thanks to ACORN, it works for all of us, no matter who we are or where we’re from.”

Not everyone has a clue as to what O’Malley is talking about.  “You can toy with silicon and play with your genes, even marry a comic-book character in some countries, but when it comes down to ones right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, you’d better show up and fight for it politically or your genes won’t be your own, and no comic book hero will save you, regardless of your silicon based cup size,” said Sally Anne Armstrong, a free-love, equal-rights, NRA member, who values the rights granted her in the U.S. Constitution above income redistribution and equality derived by crushing those better off than she is.  “I don’t cling to god and guns like some folks do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support the Christian-Judeo foundation of government practiced by the U.S. which has provided the safest, strongest, most robust economy and freest nation in the history of the world.  I’m not tossing that overboard gambling that we can elect any form of government and it’ll be okay.  When in doubt I stick to the fundamentals.  And there’s plenty to be in doubt about these days.”

The Straights Times reported that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos for medical research, in the biggest shake-up of embryology laws in two decades. The wide-ranging Bill, which has been debated for months, would also allow ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can help treat them. In addition, it gives lesbians and single women easier access to in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment by removing requirements for clinics to consider a child’s need for a father. The new law comes amid an ongoing race by the medical research community to find a way to grow stem cells, which have the potential to develop into any of the body’s cell types. Opponents of Britain’s proposed law warn that the easing of laws on creating embryos could lead to the genetic engineering of human beings, with religious groups calling it the next step on a ‘slippery slope’. The landmark Commons vote makes Britain one of the handful of countries in the world to encourage such ground-breaking research. Hybrids, or ‘admixed embryos’, are banned in at least 21 countries.

No one stops her from driving.

No one stops her from driving.

The Times Herald-Record reported that faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam’s Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes – as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds). When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts. Thursday’s state-run Tuoi Tre newspaper quoted ministry official Nguyen Huy Quang as saying the proposal would be suspended.

Australia’s News.com reported that a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the “two-dimensional world”. Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters. Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures. “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he wrote. “However, that seems impossible with present-day technology. Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?” Japan only permits marriage between human men and women and gives no legal recognition to same-sex relationships. Some people say that once Barack Obama is president of the world, all forms of reality will be replaced by legalized relativity, finally freeing everyone to be or not to be, and giving others the same freedom to ignore or embrace those claims, as long as they give all forms of control and capital to the new Administration.

Is perception really reality?

Is perception really reality?

“We’ve known for some time that all reality is simply perception and that limits of law and nature exist only because they’re allowed to by the bourgeoisie,” said new world citizen Humphrey Zardoz, a former new age Missourian, busy shedding the last vestiges of human limitation and his tight underwear.  “In the future there will be no haves or have-nots, no humans or animals, no planet or stars, all is one and we share life and plasma and energy.  We’ll share the parts of our unborn, grown for the occasion.  We’ll marry cartoons and engage in new laws based on chest size.  Chaos and fun will be the rule of the day and it’ll be great until the cows come home — and they usually do.  Some asshole with a nuke will decide what we do and issue a lock-down and make authoritarian statements backed by crabby people with guns and explosives.  Those idiots always show up and the next thing you know civilization is struggling for freedom and equality again.  But what the hey, the world has gone for centuries under god-less terrors and North America has dodged damn near all of that.  It’s about time the freedom lovers of America loose their luster and live in the ethical swap of relativism and find out whether the good-old-days really were. Let nothing stand in the way of our behaving as though we’re gods and see what happens.  It’s worth the gamble.  Let’er rip!”

New reality?

New reality?

In other news, Reuters reported last week that an al Qaeda leader has called for President George W. Bush and the Republicans to be “humiliated,” without endorsing a party in the upcoming U.S. presidential election, according to an Internet video posting. Militant postings on al Qaeda-linked websites have been debating the outcome of an Obama election with some forecasting a racial crisis dividing the United States if he wins. Others say his planned withdrawal from Iraq would be a boon to al Qaeda’s affiliate and give it a base for Middle East expansion. No word on whether al Qaeda plans to begin cloning suicide bombers in British Petri dishes or switch from forcing Muslim girls into arranged marriages with old men to cartoon characters instead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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