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Fox Snubs Obama, Jets Freak-Out New York, and Jew’s Fire on Muslim Boaters

> Fox TV Network will Skip Obama’s Speech
> Boeing 747 and Fighter Jets Buzz New York City
> Israeli’s on Italian Cruise Ship Fire on Somali Pirates

 
Inebriated Press
April 29, 2009
 
Obama messiahThe Associated Press reported Monday that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request from President Obama for air time.  Other networks have whined about his constant requests, but Fox finally said enough is enough.  And, The New York Times reported Monday that a large U.S. passenger jet trailed by two jet fighters caused panic in New York City when they swooped past office towers rattling windows.  “We ran like hell,” said one worker.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship fended off a Somali pirate attack when its Israeli security forces exchanged fire with the bandits.  Nine out of ten pets surveyed say things would be going pretty well nowadays, if PETA would just settle down and American’s would return to common sense in government.

Short haired terrier“Woof woof, bark.  Sorry about that, let me translate.  You have a U.S. president who is in the media so much; pretty soon you just blow him off.  It may be his strategy.  And it doesn’t matter if you’re an Israeli or a U.S. Navy SEAL; you blow pirates away when you get the chance, that’s just the right thing to do.  As far as the jets doing low altitude photo-op runs at the Statue of Liberty and towers in New York, you have to tell folks about it well in advance or you’ll scare the shit out of them.  Only the Obama Administration and a bunch of liberals don’t really think 9-11 happened and that there’s no war on terror,” said Barfy the Dog, a short haired terrier who doubles as a U.S. defense contractor and an anti-neuter activist.  “I may only be a small insignificant animal but I used to be named Sparky until the Democrats took control of both the White House and Congress.  Now I’ve been renamed Barfy to reflect the gastrointestinal problems I’ve acquired as a result of the last series of U.S. elections.  Things really aren’t all that bad in the world, what with continued advancement of science and medicine.  But governments are going backwards into socialism and cronyism.  I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t also happening in the U.S.  The greatest nation to appear on earth for the “common man” with more freedom and opportunity is being tossed aside for a system of socialism that has a proven record of failure.  As long as I get my chow and a few doggy treats I’m fine with any form of government, but it’s not that way for humans.  The many end up carrying the few on their backs.  And unemployment, inflation and unhappiness are the results.  Silly human masters.  It’s a sad state of affairs when even the pets know better.”

Someone named Ziggy

Someone named Ziggy

Not everyone agrees with Barfy the Dog.  “Clip that dog now and don’t let him procreate and spread either his genes or ideas to others!  We don’t need that kind of anti liberal-socialist-Democrat rhetoric bandied about by either humans, plants or animals,” said Ziggy Perlman-Nazi-McConnell, an environmentalist and theoretician, whose family heritage keeps him in conflict with himself most of the time, but whose belief system keeps him in lock step with the Obama administration.  “All media and mediums should be reporting every word from the mouth of Barry, the great messiah president.  His teleprompter-inspired talks placate the masses and help us all find oneness in the confusing morass where conservatives continue to raise inconvenient truths about over spending, hyper inflation and Islamofascist risk.  Real freedom loving Americans will want to prosecute government officials and both the military and intelligence communities for keeping the country safe since 9-11, and will want to ban all weapons, anti-liberal verbiage, and pass laws that neuter pets and Republicans.  I may only be one genius among the many Obamanomists whose intellect is so staggering that it is considered pure idiocy by ordinary hard working Americans, but my voice rings out like a wooden spoon hitting a big crock, to be respected and applauded by everyone.  And if it’s not, well, naturally we’ll marginalize them and cut off their nuts.  Sometimes we have to resort to that kind of thing so we can achieve true bipartisanship.”

FOXAssociated Press reported that Fox became the first broadcast network to turn down a request by President Barack Obama for time, opting to show its drama “Lie to Me” on Wednesday instead of the president’s prime-time news conference [note: some report that the president’s speech has a theme similar to the Fox drama]. Fox will direct viewers interested in the news conference to Fox News Channel and the Fox Business Network, which will both carry it. ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC and CNBC are all carrying the 8 p.m. EDT event, on Obama’s 100th day in office. This will be Obama’s third prime-time news conference as president, a schedule that has caused some private grumbling among network executives. Carrying a news conference costs the four broadcast networks an estimated $10 million-plus in lost advertising revenue. Executives at Fox, owned by News Corp., would not comment on the decision. It’s not without precedent for the network; Fox didn’t carry a prime-time speech by President George W. Bush in November 2001 despite a request from the White House. An executive at one of the three other broadcasters, who asked for anonymity because the conversations were private, said that network’s executives had expressed concern to the White House about the frequency of prime-time news conferences and the financial sacrifice they were making in carrying the event. The executive said it was hoped the administration would show more flexibility in working with networks to find the best times to schedule the events.

Surprise!

Surprise!

The New York Times reported that a photo opportunity, showcasing Air Force One alongside the sweep of the New York City skyline, instead caused panic in New York City.  As the low-flying Boeing 747 speeded in the shadows of skyscrapers, trailed by two fighter jets, the sight awakened barely dormant fears of a terrorist attack, causing a momentary panic that sent workers pouring out of buildings on both sides of the Hudson River. “I thought there was some kind of an attack,” said Paul Nadler, who sprinted down more than 20 flights of stairs after watching the plane from his office in Jersey City shortly after 10 a.m. “We ran like hell.” In fact, the blue and white plane with “The United States of America” emblazoned on its side was one of two regularly used by the president. It was soaring above Lower Manhattan, Staten Island and Jersey City so government photographers could take pictures near the Statue of Liberty for publicity purposes. Witnesses described the engine roar as the planes swooped by office towers close enough to rattle the windows and prompt evacuations at scores of buildings. Some sobbed as they made their way to the street.

Flashback

Flashback

“As soon as someone saw how close it got to the buildings, people literally ran out,” said Carlina Rivera, 25, who works at an educational services company on the 22nd floor of 1 Liberty Plaza, adjacent to the site of the Sept. 11, 2001, attack. “Probably about 80 percent of my office left within two minutes of seeing how close it got to our building.” Under federal regulations, in urban areas, airplanes must fly at least 1,000 feet above obstructions like buildings and bridges, and jetliner flights over Manhattan are typically at 8,000 feet or more. And planes do not typically approach local airports by flying low over the harbor. White House and City Hall officials later said that notice of the flight had gone to the director of the city’s event coordination and management office, which handles permits for events like block parties, street fairs and parades. The director, Marc Mugnos, was formally reprimanded for failing to notify his superiors, said a senior city official, who was given anonymity because this was a personnel matter. As the uproar reached Washington, dozens of officials at the White House, the Pentagon and the Department of Transportation rushed to find out who had authorized the flyover. The White House did not issue a statement, or a formal apology, for more than six hours. At first, the White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, dismissed questions, saying: “You might be surprised to know I don’t know of every movement of Air Force One or what happens to it.” Neither the White House nor the F.A.A. explained why the mission was deemed a secret, even though officials conceded the primary purpose was picture taking.   
 

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Israeli Security, Kill or Be Killed

Fox News reported that an Italian cruise ship with 1,500 people on board fended off a pirate attack far off the coast of Somalia when its Israeli private security forces exchanged fire with the bandits and drove them away, the commander said Sunday. Cmdr. Ciro Pinto told Italian state radio that six men in a small white speed boat approached the Msc Melody and opened fire Saturday night, but retreated after the Israeli security officers aboard the cruise ship returned fire. None of the roughly 1,000 passengers and 500 crew members were hurt, Melody owner Msc Cruises said in a statement issued by its German branch. Domenico Pellegrino, head of the Italian cruise line, said Msc Cruises hired the Israelis because they were the best trained security agents, the ANSA news agency reported. Civilian shipping and passenger ships have generally avoided arming crewmen or hiring armed security for reasons of safety, liability and compliance with the rules of the different countries where they dock. Cruise line security work is a popular job for young Israelis who have recently been discharged from mandatory army service, as it is a good chance to save money and travel.

Some people say that saving money, traveling and shooting Muslim terrorists is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Someone named Kendra

Someone named Kendra

“If you have to live in a world dominated by pacifists and pirates, getting work in the military or on cruise ships where you can carry weapons and shoot assholes, is like mother’s milk, apple pie and safe sex — for people who are into those things,” said Kendra Strongg-Bod, an ex-Marine and current food safety expert at the Plausible-Contact Strip-Club and Health-Food Store.  “We’re living in an era where there are so many baddies needing to be capped and so few people willing to do it, or allow it to be done, that for those of us who have had the opportunity, it’s like a gift from heaven.  And not only that, we get to send the bastards straight to hell.  It’s as close to a religious experience that I’ve ever had; except for a couple times with this guy I’m seeing.  But that’s a different story.”
 
In other news, U.S. News and World Report reported Tuesday that President Obama urged Americans on Monday to remain calm as the number of US cases of swine flu more than doubled and the World Health Organization raised its pandemic threat level. The President said, “This is obviously a cause for concern and requires a heightened state of alert. But it’s not a cause for alarm.”  Reportedly this was also his reaction to Air Force One diving on the City of New York, the recent pirate hijackings by Somali Muslims, the leaping U.S. deficit now predicted to pass 10 trillion dollars, Al Qaeda and the Taliban nearing control of Pakistan, and his dog Bo crapping on the Oval Office carpeting.  Some TV networks say they’ll just play the clip over-and-over in between commercials during regular programming, to assure American’s that the administration has everything under control.  No word on how PETA feels about it, but who really cares what they think?

© 2009 InebriatedPress.com
 

Related articles:
 
Fox sticking with schedule instead of Obama
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jK435kY7g9upVs4XUPjiQFmets6wD97R32700
 
U.S. Jet Frightens New York in Photo-Op Gone Wrong
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/28/nyregion/28plane.html?ref=nyregion
 
Italian Cruise Ship Fires on Somali Pirates
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517955,00.html
 
U.S. swine flu case numbers rise, more expected
http://uk.reuters.com/article/usTopNews/idUKTRE53P1TK20090428

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Obama Enjoys Anti-American Rants, Cheerleaders Enjoy Strip Clubs, and NATO runs Catch-and-Release Pirate Program

> Nicaraguan President rips America, Obama quietly takes notes
> High School cheerleaders take field trip to strip club
> NATO rescues fishermen from pirates, then frees the hijackers

Inebriated Press
April 22, 2009

HunksFox News reported Saturday that at the Summit of the Americas this past weekend, Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega ripped the U.S. as a terrorist nation for over 50 minutes, while President Obama sat listening quietly and taking notes.  And MSNBC reported last Friday that an Ohio teacher took a group of high school cheerleaders on a field trip to a male strip club.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Saturday that NATO forces rescued 20 fishermen from pirates in the Gulf of Aden, but let the Somali hijackers go because they had no authority to arrest them.  Pundits are debating trends in leadership based on anti-Americanism, pro-pirate anti-hijacking, and sex-based field trips for underage schoolchildren. 

Someone named Maggie

Someone named Maggie

“The adults are all gone from American government and education, and all that’s left are people with the emotional equivalent of children, lacking both common sense and even the tiniest grasp of reality,” said Maggie Mae-Mooreless, an accountant and weightlifter who doubles as a hot blonde when she feels like it.  “Obama enjoyed Ortega’s rant against America because he felt like he was a kid again back in Jeremiah Wright’s church where he listened to him rant against the U.S. for twenty years.  Or, maybe it was like hanging with his Chicago neighbor Bill Ayers the Pentagon bomber who held fundraising events for Barack at his home where they talked treason. It probably felt like homecoming.  As far as NATO releasing pirate hijackers after catching them and then freeing their captives — that’s just beyond stupid.  Only the cheerleaders who want to hang with male stripers have a clue what they’re really doing.”

Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad

Not everyone agrees with Mae-Mooreless.  “There is nothing wrong with Obama admitting that America is a terrible country, responsible for all of the evil in the world, I’ve been saying that for years,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, sharing an anti-American mind meld with Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, but adding a few racial aspersions against the Jews.  “Bill Ayers is a patriot of the highest order and everyone should be bombing the Pentagon and preaching poetic anti-American diatribes in churches, synagogues and Mosques.  And then of course beheading infidels and other people I disagree with; taking money from hard working citizens who earn it and handing it around to those who don’t.  Basic bedlam and chaos, for god sake.  Prepping the way for the 12th Imam and Islam dominating the world and all that.  I wouldn’t mind a cheerleader or two to encourage this stuff.  Somali’s would do, they’ve got the right attitude.”

Hil & Obi

Hil & Obi

Fox News reported that at the Summit of the Americas this past weekend President Obama endured a 50-minute diatribe from socialist Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega that lashed out at a century of what he called terroristic U.S. aggression in Central America and included a rambling denunciation of the U.S.-imposed isolation of Cuba’s Communist government. Obama sat mostly unmoved during the speech but at times jotted notes. The speech was part of the opening ceremonies at the fifth Summit of the Americas here.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “I thought the cultural performance was fascinating.” Asked again about the Ortega speech, Clinton said: “To have those first class Caribbean entertainers all on one stage and to see how much was done in such a small amount of space, I was overwhelmed.” A senior administration official declined to criticize Ortega, saying the president wanted to focus on the future. Ortega’s speech, indulgent even by regional standards, also mocked the very summit he was attending and helping to open. Later, at a photo opportunity with Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Obama held his tongue when asked what he thought about Ortega’s speech. In his 17-minute address to the summit, Obama misspoke on the sequence of events in Cuba.

CheerleadersMSNBC reported that a Butler Tech school district spokesman says teacher Lori Epperson took four high school cheerleaders to a male strip club.  Epperson has resigned from her teaching position in southwest Ohio. Epperson told school officials she had gotten permission from the parents of the 17- and 18-year-olds to bring them to Club Masque in Dayton. She says the girls asked her to take them to the bar.
 

Pirates, born to be free, even of NATO

Pirates, born to be free, even of NATO

Fox News reported that NATO forces rescued 20 fishermen from pirates who launched the latest attack in the Gulf of Aden on Saturday, but let the Somali hijackers go because they had no authority to arrest them. The release underscored the difficulties of stopping the skyrocketing piracy scourge in the Horn of Africa, where sea bandits also seized a Belgian-flagged ship carrying 10 foreign crew near the Seychelles islands and started hauling it toward Somalia.

“There isn’t a silver bullet” to solve the problem, said Roger Middleton, a piracy expert at London-based think-tank Chatham House. He said it’s common for patrolling warships to disarm then free brigands because they have rarely have jurisdiction to try them.

Some people say that instead of searching for a silver bullet, a few lead ones will do the trick.

Someone named Stacy

Someone named Stacy

“Blow the bastards away on the high seas or hang them from the yard arm the old fashioned way, but for crying out loud, when you catch them in the act of piracy, you don’t free them, holy shit,” said Stacy Anne-Freeport, an auto mechanic and pro-American citizen who values freedom, independence and the American way of life.  “Get some good old fashioned common sense back and we’ll solve half the world’s problems in an afternoon.”

In other news, Fox News reported that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad unleashed a blistering attack Monday against Israel and the United States, calling the Jewish state “racist” and lashing out at Americans for their support. Ahmadinejad called Israel the “most cruel and racist regime.” He followed by blaming the United States, Europe and Israel for the world’s financial crisis.  No word on whether Obama had anyone there taking notes for him, but when he sits down without conditions to chat about nukes with Ahmadinejad I’m guessing they’ll have plenty of anti-American ideas in common.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Obama Endures Ortega Diatribe
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/04/18/obama-endures-ortega-diatribe/

Strip club field trip
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30264815/

NATO Rescues 20 Fishermen From Pirates, Belgian Ship Seized
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517042,00.html

Ahmadinejad Attacks Israel, U.S. at U.N. Racism Conference
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517151,00.html

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Bacon cures Hangovers, Bullets cure Pirates, Future Conventional Wars Declared over Today

> Researchers discover bacon sandwiches cure hangovers
> U.S. snipers fire three shots, kill three pirates
> Obama’s Pentagon says no major war will ever break out: slashing military tech

Inebriated Press
April 14, 2009

Mmmm bacon

Mmmm bacon

The UK Telegraph reported last week that scientists have discovered bacon sandwiches actually cure hangovers – by boosting the level of amines which clear the brain.  And CNN reported yesterday that U.S. Navy SEAL snipers fired a single shot at each of three Somali pirates pointing AK-47’s at a U.S. ship captain they held hostage, hitting each pirate in the head and killing them while leaving the American unharmed.  Meanwhile, China’s Xinhuanet reported last week that U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said he wants to slash spending on major military hardware and missile defense systems, because there is no longer the risk of a conventional war in the future.  Pundits are debating the effect of bacon and bullets on the human brain and wondering what’s going on inside the U.S. defense secretary’s skull.

GI Joe“Let’s get real about just how well we can predict the future of military conflict by taking a look at how accurately we predicted the attack on 9-11 after Clinton slashed the military budget and eliminated major funding to the intelligence agencies, on the theory that since the cold war was over, the U.S. no longer had any major threats left in the world,” said Harold P. Sluzbolt, a market analyst and investor constantly eating bacon sandwiches to fend off the hangovers caused by heaving drinking spawned by the subprime mortgage mess and the governments multi-trillion dollar spending spree designed to reign in government spending and stimulate consumer confidence.  “We don’t know what the hell kinds of wars we’ll be fighting in the future and while I won’t argue about the need to address unconventional warfare — like the shit we’ve got going on with pirates and terrorists today — we can’t sit still and watch China building it’s nuclear submarine force, and aircraft carriers, and watch while Russia grabs pieces of Georgia and routinely shakes down Europe over gas, while handing  nuclear technology to Iran — then think all we’ll have to deal with in the future are a handful of pirates or terrorists.  The reason we have unconventional warfare today is because no one in their right mind wants to fight the U.S. in a conventional war.  That will change if we let it.  If Gates and Obama don’t think it will, then their brains are full of shit and need more than bacon to clear them up.”

Pelosi, Queen of Capitulation

Pelosi, Queen of Capitulation

Not everyone agrees with Sluzbolt.  “It’s time that the U.S. lay down it’s arms, stop talking about putting missile defense systems in Europe or anyplace else in the world, and make peace with everyone by smiling a lot and giving anyone who wants something whatever it is they want,” said U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, as she whipped a couple bureaucrats for not printing money fast enough to fund ‘stimulus’ bill crap, like tattoo removal in Los Angeles.  “The quicker we surrender to the demands of pirates and terrorists, the faster we’ll have peace in our time, like we already have with the Russians and Chinese.  If we destroy all of our nuclear weapons and eliminate most of our conventional military forces, the Chinese and Russians will like us even better.  And the pirates are just third world country entrepreneurs – we should be encouraging them by giving them low interest government-guaranteed loans instead of shooting them in the head just because they’re shaking us down like the North Koreans do.  We must progress faster than we are toward peaceful capitulation.  I hope the U.S. SEAL killings don’t give Barack a rush and make him think he can stop evil-doers by shooting them.  We should be giving them money and stuff.  That’s how we rehab rapist-murderers in California.  This is similar.”

Hangover Cure

Hangover Cure

The Telegraph reported that a bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover – by boosting the level of amines which clear the head, scientists have found. Researchers said food also speeds up the metabolism helping the body get rid of the booze more quickly. Elin Roberts, of Newcastle University’s Centre for Life said: “Food doesn’t soak up the alcohol but it does increase your metabolism helping you deal with the after-effects of over indulgence. So food will often help you feel better. Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good. Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of aminos which tops these up, giving you a clearer head.” Better brains with bacon.  Gotta like that.

Real Freedom Fighters

Real Freedom Fighters

CNN reported that in the end, it was a single moment and three phenomenal shots that brought the hostage crisis to its dramatic finish. The on-scene U.S. commander of the USS Bainbridge, which had come to try to negotiate the U.S. ship captain’s release from Somali pirates, could see the three pirates “were very, very intense. One of them held his AK-47 in the back of the captain. We were always concerned about the imminent danger to the captain.” The captain was safe after U.S. Navy SEALS fired three gunshots. All three fatal. Fired in the dark by the highly trained SEALs as the pirates’ boat rocked in the water off Somalia. “Phenomenal shots — 75 feet away,” said Navy Vice Adm. Bill Gortney, who oversees the region. The pirates had repeatedly threatened to kill Phillips, Gortney said. The Navy SEAL team had parachuted in and taken up positions on the Bainbridge’s back deck. Even with the small boat “moving up and down a couple of feet,” the SEALs hit their targets. “Remarkable marksmanship,” Gortney said. In the minutes after, a special operations team shimmied along the tow rope to the lifeboat, confirmed that three pirates had been killed, and took Phillips back to the Navy ships that had gathered nearby.

Obama's new military tech

Obama's new military tech

Xinhuanet reported that last week U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates outlined a new vision of U.S. defense spending as he announced the fiscal year 2010 defense budget plan that cuts funding for many major weapon programs. A number of expensive traditional programs will be terminated under the proposal, including ending purchases of F-22 fighter jets and canceling an Air Force communication satellite program. The defense secretary also proposed delays in other programs, including the CG-X next generation cruiser program as well as the amphibious ship and sea-basing programs. He also calls for stopping development of Army Brigade Combat Teams (BCT).  Gates’ proposal reflects the Obama administration’s bid to shift defense spending focus from preparations for large-scale conventional war to counterinsurgency operations which the new U.S. government thinks would likely to be top military challenges in coming decades.

Gratuitous sling shot bikini pic

Gratuitous sling shot bikini pic

Wall Street Journal reported Friday that Mr. Gates’s budget priorities give no indication of how the Pentagon will ensure that U.S. military dominance extends to the battlefield of the future, outer space. President Obama has said he opposes the “militarization of space,” but space is already a crucial area of operations and China is looking for advantages there. WSJ also said the $1.4 billion in cuts to missile defense are especially worrisome, with losers including the Airborne Laser, designed to shoot down ballistic missiles in the boost phase, and additional interceptors planned for the ground-based system in Alaska. Instead, Mr. Gates favors theater defenses for soldiers on the battlefield with $700 million more in funding, arguing that this will address the near-term threat of short-range missiles. But as North Korea’s recent launch showed, rogue regimes aren’t far away from securing long-range missiles that could reach the U.S.

Gratuitous bacon bra pic

Gratuitous bacon bra pic

In other news, the UK Daily Record reported last week that a cyclist in China was knocked out after being hit by a corpse thrown from a speeding car. Student Wu Dan, 16, was riding home when the incident happened. His uncle Yun Tsui said: “A car passed and a package came flying out the door. It had a dead woman inside. My nephew was very upset.” Police believe she was the victim of a car accident and was being dumped by the driver who had hit her in Dongyang, eastern China.  No word on whether the U.S. Department of Defense has contingency plans in place to defend the U.S. from the flying bodies of Chinese women, but chances are, regardless the conventional or unconventional warfare prep, nobody will see those chicks coming.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/sciencenews/5118283/Bacon-sandwich-really-does-cure-a-hangover.html

3 ‘phenomenal shots’ ended pirate hostage crisis
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/04/13/somalia.rescue.breakdown/

Pentagon chief outlines new vision of U.S. defense spending
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2009-04/07/content_11140154.htm

The Pentagon’s New Priorities
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123932989993207725.html#mod=rss_opinion_main

Requiem for the War on Terror
http://www.alarabonline.org/english/display.asp?fname=2009%5C04%5C04-12%5Czopinionz%5C970.htm&dismode=x&ts=12/04/2009%2002:58:18%20%C3%A3

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Bin Laden Lego’s, Somali Pirates, and Illinois Egg Donors

Company offers Lego-style al-Qaeda terrorist toy figures
Somali pirates hijack another boat
More women are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors

Inebriated Press
December 8, 2008

Al-Qaeda Lego

Al-Qaeda Lego

The U.K. Sun reported last week that a company in Britain is offering a range of Lego-styled fighting figures, including an al-Qaeda terrorist – complete with rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades.  And the Washington Post reported last week that despite the best efforts of the U.S. 5th Fleet, NATO, Russia, India and others, Somali pirates keep hijacking more boats.  Meanwhile, as the economy slows, the Chicago Tribune reported last week that more young women are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors to raise money.  Free-wheeling free-market economists say the U.S. Government, global banking system and Detroit auto-makers need to get creative like these folks, and solve their own economic problems.

“Instead of asking the U.S. taxpayers to bail out the government and a host of badly managed companies, these slacker-financially-impaired outfits need to learn from toy companies, egg donors and pirates about how to solve their own economic maladies,” said Marybelle Knee-Hi, a short buxom blonde, often seen in executive board rooms doing things of a questionable nature.  “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  Get some of those creative juices flowing instead of begging for money.  Earn the bucks or take them from somebody by commandeering your competitors’ vessels.  Quit the whining and begging, you panty-wastes.”

Not everyone agrees with Knee-Hi.  “It’s better to ask for help than to stoop to unethical or questionable behavior like stealing, or pandering to terrorist’s children, or trying to hock your body parts or genetic tissue,” said Habeas Corpus-Lite, a short balding declaration, occasionally referred to by people seeking relief.  “I applaud creativity and the free market, but there are times when a helping hand is necessary and may even be better than taking a ship by force.  I don’t think I’m a prude about this, but a little helping hand and some Esprit de corps can go a long way.”

Everybody needs the right accessories!

Everybody needs the right accessories!

The U.K. Sun reported that a range of Lego-style fighting figures — including an al-Qaeda terrorist — is being marketed by the BrickArms company, and has been slammed by religious leaders. The masked follower of 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden comes with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades. Mohammed Shaffiq, of Muslim organisation The Ramadhan Foundation, branded the toy “absolutely disgusting”. He said: “It is glorifying terrorism — the makers should be ashamed. We should be coming together to unite against terrorism, but how is that possible when children are playing with toys like this?”

Osama bin-Lego toy model

Osama bin-Lego toy model

The action figures include a Nazi major, bearing the chilling SS insignia, and a stormtrooper brandishing two grenade launchers. LEGO UK issued a statement saying it is not associated with the toys being sold by BrickArms which have been customised without its knowledge or permission. It continued: “BrickArms is not licensed by LEGO UK to customise LEGO figures and has no links to the LEGO brand.”

The Washington Post reported that Somali pirates hijack another boat — or two or three — every day despite the best efforts of the U.S. 5th Fleet, NATO, Russia, India and others. It may be time for a new strategy. This week, the U.N. Security Council gave Secretary General Ban Ki-moon 90 days to come up with one. The usual nostrums do not look promising. Late last month, for example, the council adopted a British plan for travel and financial sanctions against the pirates’ leading lights. That’s fine, but the pirates seem to have their own means of travel and finance, including million-dollar bounties that fall from the sky in suitcases — and no one seems to know who the leaders are anyway. The concept of a blockade was rejected last month by a NATO spokesman as something not “contemplated” by the Security Council. Now, though, it should be. Trillions of dollars in commercial cargos transit the sea lanes annually; so long as they do, thugs in boats will prey on them.

Eggs-R-Us

Eggs-R-Us

The Chicago Tribune reported that three egg donor agencies in Illinois have joined forces to offer a first-in-the-nation guarantee for would-be parents: If a young woman who agrees to provide eggs to an infertile couple changes her mind, they can select another donor at any of the agencies for a relatively minimal fee. Sometimes young women agree to become a donor and then back out because they get a new job, are accepted in graduate school, fall in love, or simply get cold feet, said Nazca Fontes, president of ConceiveAbilities in Chicago, one of the three participating agencies. The cooperative arrangement, launched last week, comes amid anecdotal reports that more woman are inquiring about becoming paid egg donors in the current economic downturn. Even before the financial crisis, this niche of assisted reproduction was growing rapidly, fueled in part by older couples trying to have children.

Some people say that government handouts and marketing reproductive tissue go together like bacon and eggs.

“Congress is always passing pork-laden bills and giving special cash gifts to towns, companies or other countries, and women have always sold themselves for sex of some kind — that’s why they call it the world’s oldest profession.  This is just a modern twist on the old story,” said Tammy Tiger, a serial stripper and part-time spot-welder at the mid-town Bed, Body and Steel Works. “People are getting over-wrought and nervous and even the gamefully employed are cutting back on buying things; so the down-turn is now feeding on itself.  A handful of badly managed companies are tearing up the nation’s confidence in itself and we’re going to wreck the economy ourselves if this keeps up.  We need to get a grip, use some common sense and settle down.  I’m still going to sell a few of my own eggs just for the cash and probably buy some jewelry or take a cruise in pirate infested waters.  It’s my way of helping out the economy.  The way cloning is going nobody will need a woman’s eggs pretty soon anyway and they’ll be worthless.  Better to get while the getting’s good.”

In other news, the U.K. Telegraph reported last week that Japan is in grip of a blood type obsession. A growing number of Japanese believe that the answer to every problem — from how to snare a prospective lover to the best way to secure a promotion at work — lies in their blood type. From reserved perfectionists Type As and confidently curious Type Os to flamboyant free-thinking Type Bs and high maintenance Type Abs, there are products and services to suit every blood type. Matchmaking services, employment opportunities and beauty products are among a raft of aspects of modern day Japanese life that subscribe to the blood typology theory. No word on which blood type tends to buy terrorist action figures or hijack ships, but perhaps there’s a chapter on the best approach to take when selling your ovarian production.  Or not.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Genes Cause Bad Behavior as Somali Pirates Live Well and Muslims Try to Ban Yoga

Psychologist says 40% of bad behavior is genetic
Pirates that attacked Ukrainian vessel marry beautiful girls, live like kings
Islamic council bans women from wearing pants, now battle yoga

Inebriated Press
October 31, 2008

ABC News reported Tuesday that an Australian psychologist aggregated data from hundreds of studies and concluded that 40 per cent of bad behavior is the result of human genetics. And BBC News reported Tuesday that modern-day Somali pirates are living the high-life; marrying the most beautiful girls, building the biggest houses, have brand new cars and new guns. Meanwhile, Reuters reported on Wednesday that Malaysia’s top Islamic council, not content with banning women from wearing trousers, now wants a ban on yoga.  Pundits are debating the impact of genes on pirates, anti-yoga-Muslims and U.S. voters who think a man with anti-American friends should be President of the United States.

“Now that the 1960’s ‘god is dead’ years have become institutionalized in American society, and the old saying ‘the devil made me do it’ is dead along with the concept of god, we have found something new to excuse bad and even stupid behavior: our genes,” said Lacy Meringue-Trueheart, a corporate consultant and a brunette of some distinction.  “So while Muslims with a mindset from the third century are trying to ban blue jeans and exercise, we can excuse them because they have odd genes.  If we elect Barack Obama we’ll be excusing ourselves for adopting a new policy of self-hatred and in the year’s ahead call it a momentary genetic deviation.  Say what you want, but if we ignore Obama’s actions of hanging with anti-Americans and his desire to reinterpret the U.S. Constitution and his far left voting record, and instead choose to believe his P.R. spin, we get what we deserve.  What we should do is stop blaming our problems on ‘the rich’ or our genetics, and take some personal responsibility.  Elect people with common sense and guts, and then use the tools at our disposal to boot-strap ourselves to the lives we want using hard work and commitment.  Government economic ‘justice’ is what the Soviet Union delivered.  I want none of that shit.”

Not everyone agrees with Meringue-Trueheart.  “I deserve to live like a Somali pirate and the federal government owes it to me, because that’s what I want and that’s what I believe,” said an unemployed-unnamed Barack Obama supporter, who has been living off of government assistance for fifteen years, having decided that working forty hours-a-week didn’t suit his genetic makeup.  “All those rich people like Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Condoleezza Rice, Muhammad Ali and Tony Rezko are living easy because of their genetics and not from working hard.  They and their kind owe me because my genetics say I don’t want to put in a lot of work.  Some folks just like to work and have a hard time making out, but that’s because their genes won’t let them get the big jobs.  But we should all live like Somali pirates.  Barack understands that.  I don’t know about the Muslims and the yoga thing though.  Some weird stuff going on in that DNA.”

Australia Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) reported that an Australian psychologist has aggregated the results of hundreds of studies on human behavior and found 40 per cent can be put down to human genetics. “While there had been many studies done on specific behaviors such as alcoholism or smoking, we were interested to see if we could put a figure on the genetic influence on behavior in general,” said Dr John Malouff, from the University of New England. “We looked at a whole range of normal and problem behaviors, and what we found was that again and again, the genetic component of these behaviors tended to clump around the 40 per cent mark.” However, he was quick to add that genes were not “destiny”. “People need to keep working on their bad habits or behaviors if they want to change them, especially if they are predisposed to continue them,” he said. The findings are published in the journal Current Psychology.

BBC News reported that the hijacked Ukrainian vessel, MV Faina – the ship laden with 33 Russian battle tanks – has highlighted the problem of piracy off the Somali coast since it was captured almost a month ago. According to residents in the Somali region of Puntland where most of the pirates come from, the pirates live a lavish life. “They have money; they have power and they are getting stronger by the day,” says Abdi Farah Juha who lives in the regional capital, Garowe. “They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars; new guns,” he says. “Piracy in many ways is socially acceptable. They have become fashionable.”  Most of them are aged between 20 and 35 years and are in it for the money.  And the rewards they receive are rich in a country where almost half the population need food aid after 17 years of non-stop conflict. Most vessels captured in the busy shipping lanes of the Gulf of Aden fetch on average a ransom of $2m.

Reuters reported that Malaysia’s top Islamic council, not content with banning women from wearing trousers, now wants a ban on yoga, according to a report on state news agency Bernama. Professor Zakaria Stapa of Universiti Kebangsaan, Malaysia’s Islamic Studies Center, told a seminar on Wednesday that Muslims who had taken up yoga should stop practicing as it could damage their faith, Bernama said. Last week the Fatwa Council decreed that tomboyish behavior by girls, including wearing trousers, was immoral as it may lead to the practice of lesbian sex. The National Fatwa Council’s Deputy Director-General Othman Mustapha told reporters after a seminar on Islamic jurisprudence on Thursday that the announcement would be made soon. Some people say women in trousers and lesbian sex go together like a Democrat and tax cuts.

“If you honestly believe that when a woman puts on a pair of pants she start wanting lesbian sex, then you’ll probably believe a Democrat who tells you he’s going to cut your taxes,” said Les Filibuster, a working man with a weakness for god and guns, who struggles to give up common sense even during elections.  “When pinned down on how hiking taxes on the people who pay most of them already would actually hurt the US economy, Barack says he’d still do it out of ‘fairness’.  What the heck kind of fairness takes a guy’s hard earned money and gives it to somebody else while hurting the overall country economically?  Obama is in conflict with himself.  That’s why he hangs with Rezko who ripped off the poor by sticking them with no heat in low income housing, and with an anti-American pastor who just retired in a multi-million dollar house on a golf course with a ten-million-dollar line of credit.  Barack will play you anyway he can if it gets him what he wants.  I don’t know if it’s learned behavior or his genes; but I don’t trust him.”

In related news, the Phoenix Business Journal reported Wednesday that Barack Obama’s plan to raise the top two federal income tax rates would increase taxes on up to 1.3 million small businesses that file taxes under personal income categories, according to rival analyses. Many of those small businesses are startups, sole proprietorships and home-based companies. Arizona Sen. John McCain said he wants to keep personal income tax rates at current levels and favors a 10 percent cut in corporate income taxes. He also has proposed a 7.5 percent, two-year reduction in the capital gains tax. The McCain campaign and some small businesses say Obama’s tax increases on higher incomes are just the beginning of spending plans that will prompt future tax increases. No word on why Obama believes that taking money away from the engines that drive the U.S. economy will make it grow faster, but then, I probably don’t have the genes necessary to understand. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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