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Holy Cow! Michelle Obama Starred Nude in Stag Film with Babes

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
November 13, 2008

Gratuitous Photo of Babes

Gratuitous Photo of Babes

Inebriated investigative reporters hiding in the trunks of cars, behind trees and inhabiting old film libraries like dust mites, have discovered a movie never seen in U.S. of first-lady in-waiting Michelle Obama, staring in a German stag film.  “Hoochie Fraulein!” is reportedly a forty-five minute flick in which Michelle dances, rebuilds a BMW engine, and then has wild sex with a cast of dozens of hot babe and stud mechanics.  Some film critics claim it’s not the new first lady, but other analysts who study human form and motion, say it’s the wife of The One, no doubt about it.

German Stag Film

German Stag Film

“The way the Fraulein pulled the pistons out of that BMW and then jumped the mechanic with a smooth muscular motion, displays the same style of physical action that I’ve seen Michelle make when pulling the lungs out of a passing Republican and then getting it on with her worshipers,” said a high level investigative reporter, who refused to be indentified lest he die a thousand deaths through liberal torture of an undefined nature.  “The lanky movements and swing of the hips which knocked a BMW engine off the workbench twice in the film is clearly Michelle’s signature.  And the other stuff that you see when you see what you see makes me believe that it was that gal doing her thang alright.  Don’t know what Barack was up to during Michelle’s movie years in Germany, but I bet he likes the moves she’s got just fine.  Wowsers!”

Not everyone believes the unnamed unidentified reporters and analysts making crazy talk about Michelle.  “Michelle Obama is an elitist who graduated from Princeton University and Harvard Law School, she would never sell herself to the Germans for sex flicks, besides that, she worked on marketing at Sidley Austin, so you know that she’d have positioned herself in French stag films because they sell better,” said Gene Italwarts, an out of work hair dresser, who thinks Barack’s income redistribution plans are better than cats pajamas and men’s underwear.  “Everyone knows that Michelle is the best Hula-Hooper around and can even drop to her knees while hooping, so it’s a gimmie that she’d be Hula-Hooping in French stag films and not rebuilding German engines in one of their flicks.  I mean really.  Use some common sense here.”

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama

According to Wikipedia, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (born January 17, 1964) is an American attorney and the wife of Barack Obama, who is the President-elect of the United States and Senator from Illinois. She will be the first African-American to become the First Lady of the United States. She was born and grew up on the South Side of Chicago and graduated from Princeton University and Harvard Law School. At Princeton, she challenged the teaching methodology for French because she felt that it should be more conversational. After completing her formal education, she returned to Chicago and accepted a position with the law firm Sidley Austin. At the firm, she worked on marketing and intellectual property. Michelle Obama as well as her daughters are said to be avid hula hoopers. Barack Obama told People Magazine that one of his wife’s secret talents is that she can really hoop. “She is the best Hula-Hooper I know. Once she gets the rhythm going, she can drop to her knees!”

Some people say that everything in life can be done better when you’re on your knees.

BMW Engine

BMW Engine

“I’ve done some pretty wild shit when I’ve been down on my hands and knees and that’s true whether I was coming or going, Hula-Hooping or changing out engine parts,” said Helga Hildebrand, a statuesque blonde German woman widely known for everything.  “You can say what you want about Michelle, but when she gets out the leather, the Hula-Hoops and the whips and chains, she can fix any car engine and rebuild most men’s Bikes from the ground up.  She takes no shit from anyone and will be as close to a Dominatrix First Lady as we’ve had since Hillary Clinton started carrying Bill’s balls in her purse after the Lewinski affair.  Damn straight.”

Statuesque Blonde

Statuesque Blonde

 In other news, president elect Barack Obama currently carries a Hindu money god in his pocket.  According to an article in The Times of India, the idol did the trick: “It was the magic of Pawanputra Hanuman that did it all,” asserts a convinced Brij Mohan Bhama a member of All India Congress Committee (AICC), and a devoted Obama fan. “It is the triumph of Lord Hanuman on the soils of America,” he declares, and nothing can shake his belief-in Obama or Hanuman’s blessings. No word on whether Barack or the monkey god will make an appearance in the upcoming underground flick: “First Babe Michelle Does Hopes and Chains.” Coming soon to a secret location near you.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s Internet Army and Using Booze to Get Sex

Using New Tools and Old Ones to Get What You Want
> Obama to use his 3.1 million Internet volunteers to intimidate
> Teen boys plying alcohol to get sex

Inebriated Press
November 7, 2008

McClatchy News reported Wednesday that a powerful new lobbying force is headed for Washington D.C.: Barack Obama’s army of 3.1 million Internet-linked volunteers. An Internet politics guru predicted that Obama would use his forces, constructed during the campaign, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda. And The UK Sun reported yesterday that a new study says teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed. Pundits debate whether pressure, intimidation and booze should be used to force “change,” when small talk and flowery jargon can’t get the job done.

“Guys and politicians are always making nicey-nicey talk and buying me drinks hoping that they can screw my ears off later on, but I know that game and I won’t fall for it,” said Stacy Half-Pint-Uptick, a buxom blond bombshell and nuclear physicist, smitten with an unrelenting case of common sense she’s been unable to shake, despite having watched election coverage on MSNBC. “Sell your ideas or explain your story and let me decide what I want to do, don’t lean on me with legal or illegal drugs, or with organized minions determined to make me do your bidding out of fear. Those are Marxist and anti-American tactics that have no place around here. Hit the road Jack.”

Not everyone agrees with Half-Pint-Uptick. “You do whatever it takes to get what you want, and you let nothing and no one stand in your way,” said someone claiming to be Rahm Emanuel, a helpful guy who steered the Obama train and attack dogs all the way to the White House. “Booze, intimidation, legal maneuvering, all that shit, it’s the Chicago way you weak-willed piss ants. You want to survive the next eight years you’d better start kissing my ass and letting me have your ass whenever and however I want. I’ll be really crabby if you don’t and so will Barack. We didn’t conquer the homeland for you bunch of whiners. We did it for us and our bunch of whiners. We built this beast and it will feed and screw ’til our hearts content.”

McClatchy News reported that a powerful new lobbying force is coming to town: Barack Obama’s triumphant army of 3.1 million Internet-linked donors and volunteers. In a mass e-mail thanking them, written moments before his Grant Park victory speech, Obama put them on notice. “We have a lot to do to get our country back on track, and I’ll be in touch soon about what comes next,” he wrote. Many are eager. “I’m going to be sitting at the phone, asking, ‘What do you want me to do next? I’m ready,’ ” said volunteer Courtney Hood, 37, a mother of three from Owings, Md. How Obama will use his ardent laptop-armed cadres is unclear. So is the extent to which they’ll rally behind his priorities, press him for their own or both.

Joe Trippi, the Internet politics guru whose computer geeks made Howard Dean a contender in 2004 and who went on to design Obama’s socially networked campaign machine, offers a provocative and educated guess. Trippi predicted that Obama would use his forces, first and foremost, to intimidate congressional foes of his agenda, rally his allies and forge “one of the most powerful presidencies in American history.”

As for political utility, many thousands of volunteers such as Hood will be deployable within hours, with great precision and at almost no cost, thanks to the campaign’s state-of-the-art information-management systems. Trippi offered a dramatic scenario: “Obama will be able to say these are the 10 members of Congress standing in our way on health care. Basically, it’ll be the president and the people united, with some members of Congress in between, which won’t be a very comfortable place to be.” A million Obama activists nationwide translate to an average of nearly 2,300 for each of 435 congressional districts.

It’s believed that Obama will pass on his activist database to the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and/or a new nonprofit that takes direction from the Obama White House. That’s permitted under MyBO’s privacy policy, which says that its names and data may be turned over to “organizations with similar political viewpoints and objectives, in furtherance of our own political objectives.”

The Sun reported that teen boys think it is acceptable to pressure girls into sex and use alcohol to get them into bed, a shocking new study has revealed. The study looked at sexual attitudes of 14 to 16-year-olds and researchers say it showed big differences in the way boys and girls look at sex.

Dr. Mark Hayter, who was part of the study team, said: “The girls’ responses were more empathic and complex because they face more complex social pressures when it comes to having sex. The young men on the other hand appeared to follow behavior patterns that included pressuring girls to have sex, often with the use of alcohol. The team used focus groups to study the attitudes of 35 youngsters who had gone to nurse-led sexual health outreach clinics for contraception.

Dr Hayter went on to say, “In one of the boys’ focus groups there was even a suggestion that it was OK for a boy to force his girlfriend to have sex and the group started trying to differentiate between ’just a bit of pressure’ and ’proper rape’.” The teenagers taking part attended clinics in areas of high teenage pregnancy rates.

Some people say that pressure politics and pressure sex are just natural manifestations of human nature, and as such display the higher forms of social Darwinism and advance the species.

“Various forms of rape and intimidation have occurred across the millennia as humankind evolved to it’s current advanced state, and in the survival of the fittest world in which we live, all types of misrepresentation, brute force and betrayal is necessary for proper societal function,” said Heinrich Himmler, an experienced social engineer, whose work in the development of enlightened society is sometimes misunderstood by those who are squeamish about the use of raw power and an occasional concentration camp. “You do what you need to do, in order to change your country and the world into that thing you want, and then you protect your own power using whatever tools and tactics are necessary. This is logical and should surprise no one. Only the religious and ethical get confused about this stuff. I call them fodder. If they will not participate as the machine, they will be used to grease it.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on Tuesday that the economy is so weak that even sex isn’t selling. At Donna’s Ranch, a brothel in Wells, Nev., most of the customers are long-haul truckers. High fuel and food prices have drained them of ‘play money.’ So the working girls sit and wait. No word on whether truckers are getting sex for free now by applying a little booze and pressure to the women they know, or if they’re joining Obama’s Internet army with hopes of getting some free government cash to buy hooker services the way they used to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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New American Idol: Barack Obama

Obama thanks ‘gracious’ press
Schumer on Fox: Fairness Doctrine ‘fair and balanced’
Fired bikini-wearing teacher wants job back

Inebriated Press
November 6, 2008

Idol Winner and His Teacher

Idol Winner and His Teacher

American citizens, thinking they were voting an old guy who can’t sing off a TV show Tuesday, inadvertently elected a one-term U.S. Senator, president of the United States. Agence France-Presse (AFP) reported that president-elect Obama thanked the press section of his campaign plane for being “gracious and understanding” in his pursuit. Earlier in the week Obama threw several reporters off the plane after learning that their newspapers had endorsed John McCain.  Apparently those reporters lacked proper “understanding”.  Meanwhile, The Hill reported that Democrat Chuck Schumer defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview, saying that forcing radio stations to off-set successful conservative radio hosts by giving unsuccessful liberal hosts equal time, was “fair and balanced.”  Market driven radio may soon end as America shifts to the European pursuit of equality over liberty, and a new regime plans its advance, while fired bikini-wearing teachers cling to the past.

Popular teacher.

Popular teacher.

“Just because I wore a bikini to my second job doesn’t mean that I can’t teach the kids a thing or two, and just because conservative talk radio is successful, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pass laws to force radio stations to use government approved anti-conservative programming that costs them money,” said someone claiming to be Tiffany Shephard, a former teacher fired after the school board learned she was moonlighting at Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women.  “And it’s not like I was having sex with the kids like some teachers I know, and you can’t argue that I wasn’t popular.  In this age of relativity and ethical freedom we should all be tolerant of nudity in the classroom and anti-traditional and anti-conservative radio programs forced on the public by the government.  You can’t have fun if you get all hung up on ethics, morals or common sense.”

Flashy dresser

Flashy dresser

Not everyone agrees with Shephard.  “Let the marketplace decide the success of talk radio, not the government, and if a school board feels that teachers who run around in public nude during or after school hours isn’t what they want represented in their school, so be it, they were elected by the folks to represent their interests,” said Audrey Black-Beard, a construction worker confused by Obama’s tax plan and jealous of teachers with big cup sizes.  “America should be a place where there’s a competitive and level playing field for workers on radio, in schools or on the construction site.  We shouldn’t be legislating ‘equality’ based on what Party is in power and what their particular philosophy is.  Why don’t people want to go back to limited government and maximum freedom — to win or loose in life — with just a modest welfare safety net on the downside, and no upside restrictions?  Why all the nanny-state stuff, where we need the government to tell us what to do, and how to live, and what to think, and when to die?  We’re screwing up the American experiment people.  This could be the end of Empire, and the last days of the American dream.”

AFP reported that Democrat Barack Obama made a rare foray to the press section of his campaign plane early Tuesday — election day — to thank reporters for accompanying him on his grueling 21-month ride. Obama acknowledged there had been “sometimes friction” between the campaign and the press. “But you guys have been gracious and understanding,” he said, following conservative criticism of the press for its coverage of Obama, as his plane prepared to depart after a huge rally in Virginia for Chicago. “It’s been a good long ride with all of you,” he said.

The Los Angeles Times reported Sunday that Barack Obama’s operation kicked three newspaper reporters off its campaign plane.  Obama’s people said it was a tough decision to boot the reporters for the New York Post, the Dallas Morning News and the Washington Times. But, they say, there are only so many seats on the plane and somebody had to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that all three papers recently endorsed Obama’s Republican rival for president, Arizona Sen. John McCain. Amazingly, as Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post points out, two seats suddenly opened up on the Obama campaign plane this weekend to accommodate reporters from Ebony and Essence magazines.

Schumer the fairness expert

Schumer the fairness expert

The Hill reported that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) on Tuesday defended the so-called Fairness Doctrine in an interview on Fox News, saying, “I think we should all be fair and balanced, don’t you?” Schumer’s comments echo other Democrats’ views on reviving the Fairness Doctrine, which would require radio stations to balance conservative hosts with liberal ones. Asked if he is a supporter of telling radio stations what content they should have, Schumer used the fair and balanced line.

In 2007, Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a close ally of Democratic presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) told The Hill, “It’s time to reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine. Senate Rules Committee Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) last year said, “I believe very strongly that the airwaves are public and people use these airwaves for profit. But there is a responsibility to see that both sides and not just one side of the big public questions of debate of the day are aired and are aired with some modicum of fairness.”

Conservatives fear that forcing stations to make equal time for liberal talk radio would cut into profits so significantly that radio executives would opt to scale back on conservative radio programming to avoid escalating costs and interference from the FCC.

Smokin Charters

Smokin Charters

Channel 10 Tampa Bay reported that a Florida woman who claims she was fired as a teacher because she wore a bikini in her second job on a charter boat wants her job back.  Tiffany Shepherd, 30, was let go after school officials learned about her second job with Smokin’ Em Charters, which sells fishing trips with bikini-clad and topless women. “The whole reason why I started doing the bikini thing was because I was teaching and not making enough money and I have three kids to support,” Shepherd said. “The school board has taken a lot of stuff away from me.” Shepherd said she might seek legal action against the school board.  Some people say it’ll take more bikini babes running around the country to take our minds off the loss of personal freedom, disappearance of free markets and the higher taxes headed our way.

Tiffany Shephard at work

Tiffany Shephard at work

“I’ve been as broad minded, tolerant and inclusive as a guy can be, but fear of the coming onslaught by the Obama-Pelosi-Reid trifecta has shut down any support I may have had for the metro-sexual president elect, and has rendered me a stupid white guy with nothing but tits and charter boats on my mind,” said a successful business owner who built it from hours of hard work, risky investment and strong adherence to conservative principles on a foundation of fairness.  “Now I’m considered un-patriotic and selfish if I don’t want to give 50% of my income to the government to distribute as they see fit.  And now I’m not supposed to listen to the radio programs I want to unless I also listen to an equal amount of stuff I think is bullshit.  Bring on the hot babes and the welfare checks; it’s a brand new age in America.  Damn it.”

In other news, Reuters reported that Japanese scientists have cloned mice whose bodies were frozen for as long 16 years and said on Monday it may be possible to use the technique to resurrect mammoths and other extinct species.  No word on whether old fashioned American common sense or limited government values are among the extinct being considered, or if going forward we’ll only see them under glass in a museum.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Animal-Human Embryos OK’d, Small-Chested Drivers Dodge Ban, and One Man’s Fight to Marry a Comic Book Character

United Kingdom passes law allowing creation of animal-human embryos
Vietnam suspends plan to ban small-chested drivers
Japanese man petitions government to marry comic book character
Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008
Barack Obama and John McCain

Barack Obama and John McCain

With the eyes of the United States focused on the presidential election between Barack Obama and John McCain, and talk of freedom, socialism and a brave new world swirls around citizens ankles like autumn leaves in mid-America, the rest of the world is busy hammering out the details of human-animal cloning, small chested car drivers and human-cartoon-character weddings.

The Straights Times reported last week that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos and also ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can be harvested in order to treat them. And the Times Herald-Record reported that Vietnam’s Health Ministry, facing mounting criticism, suspended a plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. Meanwhile a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to pressure the government into allowing marriages between humans and cartoon characters. While America plays politics, other global citizens stick to business.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

Jessica Rabbit the marrying type.

“If Americans had half a brain they’d know that politics and candidates are irrelevant to the future and only clones, chest-size and cartoon characters hold the keys to power and contextual bliss in the age ahead,” said Georgia O’Malley, a former French neo-Nazi and current World-Champion Stripper-Hula-Hoopist.  “Until I won the Stripper Hula-Hoop championship after getting silicon implants, marrying a Superman comic book and cloning myself for future parts, my life had little meaning and was boring to boot.  But now I’m a winner, I’ve got a new me growing for parts in Britain and I have a chest that gives me the right to drive in Vietnam.  I can read my husband like the comic book he is, and have renewed freedom and confidence in a worldwide spiritual awakening lead by Barack Obama.  It’s true that I still can’t find my socks and forget my own name occasionally, but that’s only jet-lag because I’m a futuristic babe on course to vote for the next U.S. president in Ohio.  Thanks to ACORN, it works for all of us, no matter who we are or where we’re from.”

Not everyone has a clue as to what O’Malley is talking about.  “You can toy with silicon and play with your genes, even marry a comic-book character in some countries, but when it comes down to ones right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, you’d better show up and fight for it politically or your genes won’t be your own, and no comic book hero will save you, regardless of your silicon based cup size,” said Sally Anne Armstrong, a free-love, equal-rights, NRA member, who values the rights granted her in the U.S. Constitution above income redistribution and equality derived by crushing those better off than she is.  “I don’t cling to god and guns like some folks do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t support the Christian-Judeo foundation of government practiced by the U.S. which has provided the safest, strongest, most robust economy and freest nation in the history of the world.  I’m not tossing that overboard gambling that we can elect any form of government and it’ll be okay.  When in doubt I stick to the fundamentals.  And there’s plenty to be in doubt about these days.”

The Straights Times reported that the British government has approved new laws allowing scientists to create animal-human embryos for medical research, in the biggest shake-up of embryology laws in two decades. The wide-ranging Bill, which has been debated for months, would also allow ‘saviour siblings’ – children created as a close genetic match for a sick brother or sister so their genetic material can help treat them. In addition, it gives lesbians and single women easier access to in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) treatment by removing requirements for clinics to consider a child’s need for a father. The new law comes amid an ongoing race by the medical research community to find a way to grow stem cells, which have the potential to develop into any of the body’s cell types. Opponents of Britain’s proposed law warn that the easing of laws on creating embryos could lead to the genetic engineering of human beings, with religious groups calling it the next step on a ‘slippery slope’. The landmark Commons vote makes Britain one of the handful of countries in the world to encourage such ground-breaking research. Hybrids, or ‘admixed embryos’, are banned in at least 21 countries.

No one stops her from driving.

No one stops her from driving.

The Times Herald-Record reported that faced with mounting public criticism, Vietnam’s Health Ministry suspended a widely ridiculed plan to ban short, thin and small-chested drivers. The ministry had recommended that people whose chests measure less than 28 inches be prohibited from driving motorbikes – as well as those who are too short (less than 4 -foot-8) or too thin (less than 88 pounds). When the media revealed the plan this week, it prompted disbelief and scorn among members of the public, who envisioned the police pulling over female drivers to measure their breasts. Thursday’s state-run Tuoi Tre newspaper quoted ministry official Nguyen Huy Quang as saying the proposal would be suspended.

Australia’s News.com reported that a Japanese man has enlisted hundreds of people in a campaign to allow marriages between humans and cartoon characters, saying he feels more at ease in the “two-dimensional world”. Taichi Takashita launched an online petition aiming for one million signatures to present to the government to establish a law on marriages with cartoon characters. Within a week he has gathered more than 1000 signatures. “I am no longer interested in three dimensions. I would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he wrote. “However, that seems impossible with present-day technology. Therefore, at the very least, would it be possible to legally authorise marriage with a two-dimensional character?” Japan only permits marriage between human men and women and gives no legal recognition to same-sex relationships. Some people say that once Barack Obama is president of the world, all forms of reality will be replaced by legalized relativity, finally freeing everyone to be or not to be, and giving others the same freedom to ignore or embrace those claims, as long as they give all forms of control and capital to the new Administration.

Is perception really reality?

Is perception really reality?

“We’ve known for some time that all reality is simply perception and that limits of law and nature exist only because they’re allowed to by the bourgeoisie,” said new world citizen Humphrey Zardoz, a former new age Missourian, busy shedding the last vestiges of human limitation and his tight underwear.  “In the future there will be no haves or have-nots, no humans or animals, no planet or stars, all is one and we share life and plasma and energy.  We’ll share the parts of our unborn, grown for the occasion.  We’ll marry cartoons and engage in new laws based on chest size.  Chaos and fun will be the rule of the day and it’ll be great until the cows come home — and they usually do.  Some asshole with a nuke will decide what we do and issue a lock-down and make authoritarian statements backed by crabby people with guns and explosives.  Those idiots always show up and the next thing you know civilization is struggling for freedom and equality again.  But what the hey, the world has gone for centuries under god-less terrors and North America has dodged damn near all of that.  It’s about time the freedom lovers of America loose their luster and live in the ethical swap of relativism and find out whether the good-old-days really were. Let nothing stand in the way of our behaving as though we’re gods and see what happens.  It’s worth the gamble.  Let’er rip!”

New reality?

New reality?

In other news, Reuters reported last week that an al Qaeda leader has called for President George W. Bush and the Republicans to be “humiliated,” without endorsing a party in the upcoming U.S. presidential election, according to an Internet video posting. Militant postings on al Qaeda-linked websites have been debating the outcome of an Obama election with some forecasting a racial crisis dividing the United States if he wins. Others say his planned withdrawal from Iraq would be a boon to al Qaeda’s affiliate and give it a base for Middle East expansion. No word on whether al Qaeda plans to begin cloning suicide bombers in British Petri dishes or switch from forcing Muslim girls into arranged marriages with old men to cartoon characters instead.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Woman Gives Birth to Grandchildren; Blondes are Good Girlfriends, Brunettes Better Wives

Ohio woman becomes grandmother by giving birth to her own grandchildren
Survey shows blondes are best girlfriends, but brunettes’ best to settle down with

Inebriated Press
November 4, 2008

UK’s Metro reported last week that a 56-year-old Ohio woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her grandchildren.  And the UK Telegraph reported last week that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for marrying. Pundits are debating whether hair color or embryo implantation will drive the future of women in the new age.

“I think people will be giving birth to their own parents in the years ahead, what with cloning going full force and genetic modification becoming as easy as dying your hair,” said Laurie Loose-Labia, a practical nurse and voluntary hostage at the Hapless Tiger Lounge for Sadomasochists.  “I’m just a nurse and non-profit volunteer but I understand enough about science and current trends to know that it won’t be long before the combination of cloning, in vitro implantation and self-hypnosis will drive the majority of human reproduction and Tupper Ware party activity in this country.”

Not so good wife?

Not so good wife?

Not everyone agrees with Loose-Labia.  “We won’t be going much farther down the science fiction reality show before we pull back and get into serious old-school reproduction and honest hair color, like nature intended,” said Mary Soho-Cupcake, a hunting party guide known to be both hard and soft, and in all the right places.  “I’m no quasi intellectual Kafkaesque pheasant hunter, but I can tell you that there are dark places in the psyche that modern science is taking us into, and we’d darn well better turn around before we get lost in there.  Stick to old style sex, normal hair color and only shoot stuff you want dead.  Don’t pretend you can mix and match genes and bodies like so much Lego.  We’re playing with fire kids.  Some body’s going to get burned.  Watch out its not you.”

The UK Metro reported that Jaci Dalenberg, 56, from Ohio USA, carried two identical twins and their sister, as a surrogate mother for her daughter Kim Coseno and her husband. The woman became a grandmother when she gave birth to her own grandchildren. The 56-year-old gave birth to triplets by having IVF, and embryos implanted into her uterus. The twins and their sister were two-months premature and all four are said to be doing fine. Jaci is said to have offered her service after her daughter was waiting to adopt with her husband.

The UK Telegraph reported that a new survey has found that men think blondes are better as girlfriends, but brunettes are the best for settling down with. Almost one in five say blondes are sexier than other girls; with just under half saying they had more outgoing personalities. When it comes to marriage, however, more than half said they would rather wed a dark-haired woman because they were more dependable and sensible. Out of a poll of 3,000 men, almost half said dark-haired women were the most loving. Men also felt brunettes were the best homemakers with 51 per cent thinking they were best at organizing the home, while 48 per cent thought they were the best cooks. Some people say that over-weight women are the best at everything, regardless their hair color or desire to toy with genetics.

Good at everything.

Good at everything.

“You can’t judge a woman by the color of her hair or whether she claims to be willing to give birth to her own grandchildren.  What’s the most important is whether she’s a bit on the chubby side ‘cause then she’ll have sex with you,” said Mr. McGee, some guy who wandered in off the street carrying a copy of the Rocky Mountain News.  “It says right here that overweight females have more sex, and it’s obvious that they do plenty of grocery shopping and cooking – all of which are darned important. According to an award winning study at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ annual meeting, 92 percent of overweight women have had sexual intercourse while only 87 percent of normal body weight women have.  It just goes to show you that hair color and in vitro fertilization aren’t everything.”

Twinkie

Twinkie

In other news, CNN reported yesterday that Hostess Twinkies are becoming the latest product remade and repackaged into 100-calorie snack packs, a product some analysts say could do well given that more people are packing their own lunches in the slumping economy. The maker of the golden yellow, creme-filled cake launched “Twinkie Bites” nationwide in stores on Monday. It’s also introducing a snack pack featuring strawberry cupcakes as it extends the 100-calorie pack line originally aimed at women who wanted to snack more sensibly. No word on how the Hostess people feel about the sex habits or hair color of women, but a Twinkies sales boost would come at an opportune time for Interstate Bakeries, as it seeks creditor approval of a plan that would allow the Kansas City-based company to exit more than four years of bankruptcy.

(C) InebriatedPress.com

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Genes Cause Bad Behavior as Somali Pirates Live Well and Muslims Try to Ban Yoga

Psychologist says 40% of bad behavior is genetic
Pirates that attacked Ukrainian vessel marry beautiful girls, live like kings
Islamic council bans women from wearing pants, now battle yoga

Inebriated Press
October 31, 2008

ABC News reported Tuesday that an Australian psychologist aggregated data from hundreds of studies and concluded that 40 per cent of bad behavior is the result of human genetics. And BBC News reported Tuesday that modern-day Somali pirates are living the high-life; marrying the most beautiful girls, building the biggest houses, have brand new cars and new guns. Meanwhile, Reuters reported on Wednesday that Malaysia’s top Islamic council, not content with banning women from wearing trousers, now wants a ban on yoga.  Pundits are debating the impact of genes on pirates, anti-yoga-Muslims and U.S. voters who think a man with anti-American friends should be President of the United States.

“Now that the 1960’s ‘god is dead’ years have become institutionalized in American society, and the old saying ‘the devil made me do it’ is dead along with the concept of god, we have found something new to excuse bad and even stupid behavior: our genes,” said Lacy Meringue-Trueheart, a corporate consultant and a brunette of some distinction.  “So while Muslims with a mindset from the third century are trying to ban blue jeans and exercise, we can excuse them because they have odd genes.  If we elect Barack Obama we’ll be excusing ourselves for adopting a new policy of self-hatred and in the year’s ahead call it a momentary genetic deviation.  Say what you want, but if we ignore Obama’s actions of hanging with anti-Americans and his desire to reinterpret the U.S. Constitution and his far left voting record, and instead choose to believe his P.R. spin, we get what we deserve.  What we should do is stop blaming our problems on ‘the rich’ or our genetics, and take some personal responsibility.  Elect people with common sense and guts, and then use the tools at our disposal to boot-strap ourselves to the lives we want using hard work and commitment.  Government economic ‘justice’ is what the Soviet Union delivered.  I want none of that shit.”

Not everyone agrees with Meringue-Trueheart.  “I deserve to live like a Somali pirate and the federal government owes it to me, because that’s what I want and that’s what I believe,” said an unemployed-unnamed Barack Obama supporter, who has been living off of government assistance for fifteen years, having decided that working forty hours-a-week didn’t suit his genetic makeup.  “All those rich people like Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Condoleezza Rice, Muhammad Ali and Tony Rezko are living easy because of their genetics and not from working hard.  They and their kind owe me because my genetics say I don’t want to put in a lot of work.  Some folks just like to work and have a hard time making out, but that’s because their genes won’t let them get the big jobs.  But we should all live like Somali pirates.  Barack understands that.  I don’t know about the Muslims and the yoga thing though.  Some weird stuff going on in that DNA.”

Australia Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) reported that an Australian psychologist has aggregated the results of hundreds of studies on human behavior and found 40 per cent can be put down to human genetics. “While there had been many studies done on specific behaviors such as alcoholism or smoking, we were interested to see if we could put a figure on the genetic influence on behavior in general,” said Dr John Malouff, from the University of New England. “We looked at a whole range of normal and problem behaviors, and what we found was that again and again, the genetic component of these behaviors tended to clump around the 40 per cent mark.” However, he was quick to add that genes were not “destiny”. “People need to keep working on their bad habits or behaviors if they want to change them, especially if they are predisposed to continue them,” he said. The findings are published in the journal Current Psychology.

BBC News reported that the hijacked Ukrainian vessel, MV Faina – the ship laden with 33 Russian battle tanks – has highlighted the problem of piracy off the Somali coast since it was captured almost a month ago. According to residents in the Somali region of Puntland where most of the pirates come from, the pirates live a lavish life. “They have money; they have power and they are getting stronger by the day,” says Abdi Farah Juha who lives in the regional capital, Garowe. “They wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars; new guns,” he says. “Piracy in many ways is socially acceptable. They have become fashionable.”  Most of them are aged between 20 and 35 years and are in it for the money.  And the rewards they receive are rich in a country where almost half the population need food aid after 17 years of non-stop conflict. Most vessels captured in the busy shipping lanes of the Gulf of Aden fetch on average a ransom of $2m.

Reuters reported that Malaysia’s top Islamic council, not content with banning women from wearing trousers, now wants a ban on yoga, according to a report on state news agency Bernama. Professor Zakaria Stapa of Universiti Kebangsaan, Malaysia’s Islamic Studies Center, told a seminar on Wednesday that Muslims who had taken up yoga should stop practicing as it could damage their faith, Bernama said. Last week the Fatwa Council decreed that tomboyish behavior by girls, including wearing trousers, was immoral as it may lead to the practice of lesbian sex. The National Fatwa Council’s Deputy Director-General Othman Mustapha told reporters after a seminar on Islamic jurisprudence on Thursday that the announcement would be made soon. Some people say women in trousers and lesbian sex go together like a Democrat and tax cuts.

“If you honestly believe that when a woman puts on a pair of pants she start wanting lesbian sex, then you’ll probably believe a Democrat who tells you he’s going to cut your taxes,” said Les Filibuster, a working man with a weakness for god and guns, who struggles to give up common sense even during elections.  “When pinned down on how hiking taxes on the people who pay most of them already would actually hurt the US economy, Barack says he’d still do it out of ‘fairness’.  What the heck kind of fairness takes a guy’s hard earned money and gives it to somebody else while hurting the overall country economically?  Obama is in conflict with himself.  That’s why he hangs with Rezko who ripped off the poor by sticking them with no heat in low income housing, and with an anti-American pastor who just retired in a multi-million dollar house on a golf course with a ten-million-dollar line of credit.  Barack will play you anyway he can if it gets him what he wants.  I don’t know if it’s learned behavior or his genes; but I don’t trust him.”

In related news, the Phoenix Business Journal reported Wednesday that Barack Obama’s plan to raise the top two federal income tax rates would increase taxes on up to 1.3 million small businesses that file taxes under personal income categories, according to rival analyses. Many of those small businesses are startups, sole proprietorships and home-based companies. Arizona Sen. John McCain said he wants to keep personal income tax rates at current levels and favors a 10 percent cut in corporate income taxes. He also has proposed a 7.5 percent, two-year reduction in the capital gains tax. The McCain campaign and some small businesses say Obama’s tax increases on higher incomes are just the beginning of spending plans that will prompt future tax increases. No word on why Obama believes that taking money away from the engines that drive the U.S. economy will make it grow faster, but then, I probably don’t have the genes necessary to understand. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Michelle Obama: “Let them eat lobster.”

The Party Elite needs your sacrifice to change America.

The Party Elite needs your sacrifice to change America.

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