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Michael Phelps Gold Metal Sex, Taliban Poisoning Afghan School Girls, and Obama’s Attack on Hulu

> Stripper says Sex with Phelps lasted Three Hours
> Afghan Girls Poisoned in School by Extremists
> Obama Administration may bring Antitrust action against Hulu.com

Inebriated Press
May 13, 2009

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

The New York Post reported on Sunday that a stripper, who claims to have had a threesome with gold medalist Michael Phelps, says he has tremendous stamina and that sex lasted for about three hours.  And Associated Press reported on Tuesday that at least 84 Afghan schoolgirls were admitted to a hospital in the third poison attack in three weeks on a girl’s school, and some believe its being done by the Taliban or other “conservative” extremist groups who oppose girl’s education.  Meanwhile, Breitbart reported Monday that Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and the number of exclusive agreements it has struck, is resulting in attacks by many media commentators using antitrust language.  Given that President Obama has said he wants to strengthen antitrust law in the U.S., and wants more scrutiny of media, many believe it won’t be long until the U.S. Department of Justice begins antitrust action against Hulu.  Some pundits are trying to create a new nonprofit organization committed to helping Afghan women become highly educated, while enjoying movies on Hulu and having marathon sex. 

Someone named Melanie

Someone named Melanie

“At some point a person has to take a stand against the oppression of a young woman’s right to an education, against attacks on successful private enterprise like Hulu, and in favor of programs that result in hours of legalized sexual gratification.  And that’s why I’m organizing the ‘Hot-n-Heavy Web University Trust Fund and Skin Care Foundation’,” said Melanie Fulmetal-Jackette, a corporate executive and part-time stripper down at the Blue Steel Dance and Ammo Club.  “It’s time that everyone who claims to have a rational brain either fight Al Qaeda and the Taliban and kill them all and free the women to new opportunities; or fund groups like mine that are committed to helping oppressed women obtain good educations, get free access to Internet movies and have frequent orgasms through sex that works for them.  Oh, and a little skin care advice too, you can’t let stuff like that to chance.”

Undeserving of education and sex?

Undeserving of education and sex?

Not everyone agrees with Fulmetal-Jackette.  “Women are the property of all enlightened male members of the Taliban, and as such, are subject to our wishes and demands that they remain stupid and ignorant and do what we say.  As far as Hulu goes, all video entertainment should be banned with the exception of an occasional report from Osama bin Laden, or maybe a video of Taliban elders having sex with little girls they’ve forced to be their wives, but we don’t want to talk a lot about that because it makes our daughters irrationally nervous,” said Imum Sicsumbitch, a Taliban elder and one of several Sicsumbitch’s leading the movement.  In fact he proudly belongs to a line that includes several generations of Sicsumbitch’s who have passed their belief system down to him.  “And sex is whatever we say it is.  Women shouldn’t enjoy sex, but Taliban men need to have it as often as possible and have many wives so we can increase in number so there will be more Sicsombitch’s throughout the Middle East ruling other men and stopping the education and pleasure of women.  When we have destroyed the West, then there will finally be peace and proper rule on earth.  We are so glad that Obama has declared an end to the war on terror.  We knew the infidels would give up eventually.  Soon all women in the world will be denied educations, the way god intended.”

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

The New York Post reported that Michael Phelps deserves another gold medal – for stamina in the sack, according to a stripper who claims she had a threesome with the swim champ. “The sex lasted for about three hours,” Baltimore stripper Theresa White told Britain’s News of the World. “Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!”  White, 25, claims Phelps invited her and some of her lap-dancing pals to his apartment, and that’s where the action allegedly took a kinky turn after two hours of drinking. White said she approached Phelps for a three-way: “He told me he’d never had one before but said it would be with me and then pointed at another girl. “Everybody else stayed put while we went upstairs and jumped into bed,” she said. A rep for Phelps did not return messages seeking comment.

Taliban going clubbing with women

Taliban going clubbing with women

The Associated Press reported that at least 84 schoolgirls in Charikar, Afghanistan were admitted to a hospital Tuesday for headaches and vomiting in the third apparent poison attack on a girl’s school in as many weeks, officials and doctors said. The students were lining up outside their school in northeastern Afghanistan on Tuesday morning when a strange odor filled the school yard, and one girl collapsed, said the school’s principal, who was herself in a hospital bed gasping for breath as she described the event. It was unclear if the incident was a deliberate attack on the school, though the Taliban and other conservative extremist groups in Afghanistan, who oppose girl’s education, have been known to target schoolgirls. The attack comes one day after 61 schoolgirls and one teacher from a school in neighboring Parwan province were admitted to a hospital after complaining of sudden illness. They were irritable, confused and weeping, and several of the girls passed out. Under the Taliban’s 1996-2001 regime, girls were not allowed to attend school. Though it was unclear if the recent incidents were the result of attacks, militants in the south have previously assaulted schoolgirls by spraying acid in their faces and burning down schools to protest the government. “I’m going to be scared when I go back to school. What if we die?” said a startled looking 11-year-old, Tahira, from her hospital bed. 

HuluBreitbart reported that as is sadly the case for all good things, the video website Hulu.com may well come under attack by the government, specifically in the form of antitrust action by the Obama administration. Socialism’s great horde of media apologists has begun a strong drumbeat calling for the U.S. government to go after Hulu, the immensely and increasingly successful source of online streaming media content. Cord Blomquist of the Competitive Enterprise Institute documents the socialists’ campaign for a government attack on Hulu in an excellent article at the Technology Liberation Front website. “Many media commentators are already using the kind of language we associate with past media antitrust cases,” Blomquist notes. “Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and its growing number of exclusivity agreements mean that it could see some of the added scrutiny that Mr. Obama believes is necessary in the world of media.  Of course, there are thousands of arguments as to why an actual antitrust case would lack any real merit—the availability of media in other formats such as broadcast or DVD, the number of non-exclusive deals Hulu has signed, the low barriers to entry and low costs for others to offer similar streaming video services—yet these arguments have failed to impress judges and administrations in the past.

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

In other news, Politico reported Monday that President Obama’s promise of changing Washington hasn’t extended to banishing the age-old practice of giving plum posts to relatives of your top supporters — as he’s done with the relatives of a half-dozen well-connected Democrats. They’re well-known names in Democratic politics — Kerry, Clyburn, Hamilton, Gregoire, Mikva and Emanuel — but have received little attention. There are federal nepotism laws barring public officials from hiring relatives in their agency or area of jurisdiction, but Obama has not instituted any specific ethics rules regarding the relatives of other prominent officials. Ethics advocates urged the president to be cautious.  No word on why Obama should be cautious about this when he spends tax dollars with reckless abandon and is casually removing post-9-11 strategy that has kept us safe for the last eight years, but, if we can figure out how we can all have marathon sex maybe we can ignore bothersome common sense stuff.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com 

Source articles:

PHELPS ‘IN MARATHON SEX ROMP’
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05102009/news/nationalnews/phelps_in_marathon_sex_romp_168587.htm

Afghan girls hospitalized in apparent poisoning
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30681708/

Hulu.com May Be Target of Antitrust Attack
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/stkarnick/2009/05/11/hulucom-may-be-target-of-antitrust-attack/

Family ties aid Obama applicants
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22347.html

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New Jihadi workout Magazine, High School Reunion Strippers, and, Long Distance Intimacy Devices

> Pro al-Qaeda magazine offers jihadi fitness tips
> Stripper Impersonates High School Alum at Reunion
> Bedroom intimacy device invented for long distance relationships

Inebriated Press
April 23, 2009

High school reunion?

High school reunion?

ABC News reported Tuesday that a new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists has been launched and offers fitness tips for jihadists planning attacks on Americans.  And ABC News also reported that a Palos Verdes woman hired a stripper to impersonate her at her 10-year high school reunion, and then videoed the reactions and posted clips on YouTube.  Meanwhile, BBC News reported on Wednesday that couples in long distance relationships are being sought to try out a prototype device designed to communicate intimacy from their bedrooms.  Pundits are organizing an army of fake pro al-Qaeda workout strippers and arranging for them to mate with real al Qaeda terrorists using long distance technology so that no offspring will be created and eventually the terrorists will die out.

Someone named Kathy

Someone named Kathy

“If we can get hot looking strippers to pretend to be workout experts for al Qaeda and then make the terrorists think they’re in long distance relationships with them, we believe we may eventually get the terrorists to play video games thinking that they’re acting out long-distance scenarios in real life — you know, getting multiple wives and children and stuff –and even believe that they’re blowing up people and cutting their heads off, when in reality it’s all fake,” said Kathy Litenight-Mayhem, a philosopher and heavy crane operator who mixes reality with illusion the way Obama does truth and lies. “If this can be made to work, all future al Qaeda terrorists will be acting in cyberspace and not in the real world.  They’ll believe they’re doing all the terrible things that they want to, and have scores of child-wives that they abuse and knock-up and stuff, but they won’t really be doing it all.  Then when they’re not suspecting we’ll have Special Op’s guys walk in and cap the lot of them.  Quick, easy, inexpensive and they amount to nothing.  It’s worth a shot.”

Someone named Zack

Someone named Zack

Not everyone sees it the way Litenight-Mayhem does.  “Converting terrorists into cyber actors engaged in their routine shit but all in a video game won’t work.  Terrorists are highly tactile and value hands-on beheadings with the blood squirting all over; they like the crunching sound of their fists hitting their wives, and seeing the parts of suicide bombers and their victims splatter against the windows of their trucks as they wait and watch,” said Zack Tripplet, throwing-up at the thought of the stuff he just said.  “I wish they could be sucked into a delusion that would get them away from the violent killing, but it’s not to be.  We have to keep hunting them down and killing them the old fashioned way.  Of course now that Obama has declared that there is no war on terrorism and has plans to punish Bush administration officials who kept us safe, all bets are off on what reality means and what the U.S. is willing to do.  After Obama’s Apology Tour of 2009 and with his recent decisions to cut major military spending and stop serious interrogations, the U.S. has become an impotent colossus.”

Jihad exerciseABC News reported that a new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to jihadists planning attacks against Americans in countries such as Afghanistan. The first edition out this month offers workout tips to get buff with the aim “to train as hard as possible in order to damage the enemies of Allah as much as possible.” The English language e-zine, Jihad Recollections, is about 70 pages long and is thought to be produced by an American living in North Carolina. It claims to have articles written by Osama bin Laden and his second in command, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Jihad workout

Jihad workout

Pull-ups, walking on your hands and crawling long distances are just some of the suggested exercises that come along with illustrations of white-robed men with scarves covering their faces…perhaps not the most comfortable of work-out clothing. Ashleigh Prince, a fitness instructor in London, has a few problems with it. “I don’t see the benefits of walking on your hands or crawling at all — it would be much more beneficial to do other types of exercises to build strength, such as push-ups.”

Wachner & "Cricket"

Wachner & "Cricket"

ABC News reported that rather than attend her 10-year high school reunion, Andrea Wachner, 31, sent someone else in her place, a stripper, and made a documentary about it. On the day of the reunion, Wachner brought a crew, two cameramen and a sound technician to the Marriott Hotel in Torrance, Calif., and set up near the festivities. The stripper, named “Cricket” showed up in a burlesque outfit: fishnets, a tight black dress that resembled a slip, and tall black spike-heeled boots. Her visible tattoos and short jet-black hair, accented with a purple flower, only added to her look, which differed markedly from the formal attire of the other reunion attendees.

Stripper KendraCricket told the reunion attendees that she’d had reconstructive surgery and also suffered from amnesia. It wasn’t completely unbelievable, because some had already heard that the real-life Wachner was in an accident after high school — her car was totaled and she had been injured, but she had never suffered from amnesia. As the evening went on Cricket took a chair to the dance floor and began stripping. As she pulled off her top, and then her skirt, revealing her underwear, several of the alums clapped, screamed and laughed. One woman ran up to Cricket and stuffed a bill in her panties. Some just gaped in amazement. The resulting documentary, “I Remember Andrea” wasn’t picked up by the film festivals this go-around, but Wachner did find a manager who took interest in her project. They are shopping it around as a reality TV show or a narrative feature.

Mutsugoto's "light" touch

Mutsugoto's "light" touch

BBC News reported that Moray-based technology laboratory, Distance Lab, hopes to find three couples willing to use Mutsugoto, a new “intimacy device”. The device allows couples, who are separated by distance, to draw in light on each other’s bodies or beds. Stefan Agamanolis, one of its three developers, said it will be the first time it is tested in this way. Distance Lab, which describes itself as a creative research organization; hope to find couples where one partner lives in the capital while the other, who will be given a portable device, lives a few hundred miles away. Mr Agamanolis said the device was designed to communicate intimacy and to offer an alternative to text and e-mail messaging.

While lying on their beds ...

While lying on their beds ...

While lying on their beds miles away from each other, the couples wear touch-activated rings visible to a camera mounted above them. A computer vision system tracks the movement of the ring as one of the device’s users passes it across their own body, or bed. At the same time these strokes are transmitted to and projected in beams of light on the body of their partner. The lines change color if they cross. Also in development is a game in which people can throw themselves at a life-sized image of an opponent who could be on the other side of the world. Remote Impact is an interactive fighting game. In the prototype, people battle a silhouette projected on to a mattress and can register brute force.

In other news, Breitbart reported Monday that Abraham Lincoln was a Muslim, according to Faruq Masudi, producer and director of the new Islamic movie, Quran Contemporary Connections. “According to the Quran, everybody is born a Muslim,” said Masudi.  “It is only by his own free will that a man chooses a different course for himself. Abraham Lincoln was not only a born Muslim but he chose to live by Islamic edicts like abolishing organized slavery; establishing equality of all human beings, democracy and accountability to God and Man; core Islamic concepts as propounded in the Holy Quran.” No word on whether Masudi likes long distance relationships or al Qaeda strippers, but he’s clearly creating his own reality with video.  So he’s got that going for him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

How to Get in Shape Jihadi Style
A New Pro Al-Qaeda Magazine for Extremists is Offering Fitness Tips to Jihadists
http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=7389753&page=1

Stripper Impersonates High School Alum: Classmates Learn About Reunion Prank on YouTube
Andrea Wachner Asked a Pole Dancer to Impersonate Her at Her 10-Year Reunion
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=7364963&page=3

Couples to test ‘intimacy’ device
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/highlands_and_islands/8004769.stm
 
Abraham Lincoln was Born a Muslim, Says Film Maker
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=prnw.20090420.CL01596&show_article=1&catnum=-1

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Philadelphia Eagles sign Mary Lou Retton

> New Player is Small but Speedy
> If McNabb throws her with the ball, is it a completion if she lands in-bounds?
> Chicago Bears ponder signing Chinese women gymnasts

Inebriated Press Tabloid Division
April 9, 2009

Eagles new WR

Eagles new WR

The National Football League’s Philadelphia Eagles have signed U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton to a one-year contract at the minimum base salary but heavy with incentives.  That’s the word from Inebriated tabloid and occasional sports reporter Misty Morning-Mayhem as she Twittered the sports-news flash from a strip club changing-room where she works part-time.  According to her inside scoop, gleaned from an assistant coach who refused to disclose his name or marital status, the Eagles believe the tiny but perky woman will add a “unique” dimension both on the field and in the locker room.  Reports from Chicago indicate that negotiations are underway to sign several Chinese women gymnasts to that NFL club, in order to provide Jay Cutler some springy new targets.  ESPN analysts are scoffing at the reports and think they can come up with something better.
 

Someone named Misty

Someone named Misty

“Sure there’s very little to report on right now other than basketball and for a lot of folks that’s a drag, and yes it’s been a long winter and it’s time to get outside and have some fun, but that’s no reason to invent silly stories about female gymnasts in guys locker rooms, or create an entire magazine issue dedicated to nothing but half naked women like SI does,” said an ESPN official, pretending he knows what he’s talking about.  “The Mary Lou Retton thing sounds like the time the St. Louis Browns baseball club had the 3 foot 7 inch tall Eddie Gaedel bat against the Tigers.  It’ just a crazy stunt.  Although it’s true that the Tigers did walk Gaedel, and the Browns got a lot of publicity, so I suppose that was something.  Still, I can’t believe the Eagles would stoop that low. Pardon the pun.”

Bears recruits

Bears recruits

Morning-Mayhem insists that the story is true and said she’d “fill us in” more after she is done with her stripping routine.  Inebriated Press decided to get the jump on the competition by not waiting for details and now you have the hottest piece of sports facts in front of you, thanks to our speed, efficiency and gullibility.  In the meantime, it’s important that we ponder the new trends in the NFL and recognize that it’s a copycat league and the story about the Bears signing 15-year-old female Chinese gymnasts is probably also true. And it’s likely that U.S. gymnastic Olympian Shawn Johnson is actually being stalked by an NFL recruiter. 

Stalked by the NFL

Stalked by the NFL

We’ll probably know more later, but in case we don’t, who the hell cares?  It’s enough that you get to see Shawn in a bikini, right?  Mmmm abs …

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Barely related source article:

The trade that decided a division
Posted by ESPN.com’s Kevin Seifert
http://myespn.go.com/blogs/nfcnorth/0-10-22/The-trade-that-decided-a-division.html

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