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Octomom was a Stripper, Brothels slashing Prices, Obama values Perception over Reality

> Octomom spent a year as a stripper called “Angelina”
> Brothels cut prices, offer rebates to beat recession
> Obama more popular than his policies

Inebriated Press
April 28, 2009

StripperCelebitchy reported last week that “Octomom” Nadya Suleman who claims to have “never kissed a boy” and admitted she pretended to be a stripper for one night, actually spent a year as a stripper calling herself “Angelina” while saying she planned to become famous some day.  And The Independent reported Sunday that the global financial crisis has hit brothels, and the oldest profession is turning to modern marketing — cutting prices, offering rebates, package deal discounts, and special deals for seniors and enticements to taxi drivers.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported that Barack Obama is more popular than his policies, and his marketing machine and charisma have allowed him to push an agenda that many voters and lawmakers consider extreme.  Some pundits say reality is over-rated and that the Octomom, Obamanomics and cheap hookers represent the cutting edge of a global new age.

I set policy. Capiche?

I set policy. Capiche?

“The world craves tabloid stripper-women with big lips, boobs and babies so they can argue over them while electing smooth talkers with meaningless drivel and rabid policy, just as long as they can get cheap sex.  I know this because I sell it all and will probably become president in the next ten years,” said Liza Lippsuk-Hooterbalm, a retired East German weightlifter currently managing American foreign policy for the Obama administration, while promoting her Gynecologist Gym and Hooker Emporium.  “Conservatives who think that reckless abandonment of common sense and placation of America’s enemies is an anomaly are missing the trends.  Everyone has shifted to the left.  Today’s Republican’s are yesterday’s Democrats and today’s Democrats are yesterday’s Socialists.  Next up: some form of fascist totalitarianism.  It’ll be the only way to control the country after liberal chaos runs rampant over the next four years. I’m waiting in the wings to clean things up — get ready to worship me.  Besides, I’m way cuter than Obama.”

Some kind of Honey

Some kind of Honey

Not everyone agrees with Lippsuk-Hooterbalm.  “McCain was too liberal and ran a terrible campaign and still won 46% of the votes against Obama’s Chicago machine and a complicit media.  If the Republicans return to their senses and back Reagan-like candidates who preach smaller government, lower taxes, emphasize developing and growing small business with non-cash incentives, promote personal freedom, common sense and States rights against Federal power, they can take back Congress in less than a year and a half, and rein in this madness,” said Honey Anne-Armstrong, a strong blonde American girl who takes no shit, gives no lip and values honor, respect and decency almost as much as she values truth, justice, freedom, democracy the traditional American fighting spirit.  “Today you can say that the barbarians have breached the gate or that the inmates are running the asylum, but if real Americans will stand up, we can return this nation to the proud, strong, land of the free and home of the brave.  We can bring back the America built by patriots who wouldn’t back down from a fight with monarchy, totalitarians, dictators, socialists and communists.  We are the real Americans, men and women who don’t apologize for a strong nation built on common sense and personal responsibility.  It’s time for us to stand up and be counted.  It’s time we take back our country.”

Octo-mom-marketingCelebitchy reported that although Nadya Suleman told a radio announcer she was only a stripper for one night, it appears that the Octomom was stretching the truth about her past. After talking to numerous sources it’s been revealed that the Octomom was a stripper, who used the alias “Angelina,” for at least a year in her early 20s. Sage, an exotic dancer who doesn’t want to reveal her real name, said she performed at several stripping contests and bachelor parties with Nadya from 1999 to 2000. Luis Ceballos, a limo driver who used to take the strippers to parties, has similar memories of Nadya, and says that rather than being embarrassed about her job, the Octomom “was full of herself.” According to Luis, Nadya “always said she wanted to be really famous” and believed that someday, she would be. What’s more, Nadya wasn’t as innocent back then as she lets on. While she reportedly insists she had “never even kissed a boy” when she entered the stripping contest, Luis said that Nadya was actually “very worldly”. And Sage adds, “She was overly flirty with the guys we performed for.”  An overly-flirty stripper is pretty damned flirty.

German brothel signageThe Independent reported that German prostitutes are offering discounts, loyalty cards and “extras” in an effort to drum up business and beat the recessionary downturn.  Prostitution is legal in Germany, and some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions, while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as “day passes” are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going. Berlin’s Pussy Club has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing “flat rate” – a €70 admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10am and 4pm. Ecki Krumeich, the manager of the upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he had resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers already get a 50 per cent discount on Sundays and Mondays. Some suggested that more women were turning to prostitution in general in order to make ends meet and are cutting in on brothels’ business.

Persona vs Policy

Persona vs Policy

Fox News reported that nearly 100 days into his administration, President Obama has locked down his reputation as a skilled communicator and has even scheduled a press conference Wednesday night to review his first 100 days. For three months, Obama has been on TV just about every day. He’s held campaign-style rallies and press conferences whenever a critical piece of his agenda was on the line. He’s communicated regularly with his constituents via YouTube and the White House Web site, and he’s traveled abroad to rebuild America’s image.

Policy makers

Policy makers

Obama’s communications skills are an asset historians say has not ebbed since the 2008 campaign and have allowed him to push economic policies that many voters and lawmakers consider drastic. Those policies have alienated many Republicans on Capitol Hill and have led to criticism that Obama has trampled on his pledge of bipartisanship. But the power of the president’s persona, perhaps combined with the urgency of the times, has helped him keep his own party in line. “The public clearly likes his persona more than they like his policies,” said political historian Michael Barone. “There’s certainly a lot of uncertainty, qualms and reservations about many of the policies.”

The public is not enthusiastic about his economic policies. Only 45 percent think his $3.6 trillion budget proposal will help the economy, according to the FOX News poll. In a separate recent FOX News poll, 59 percent opposed government bailouts for financial institutions, 65 percent opposed taxpayer loans for automakers and 69 percent worried the national debt is out of control.

Inebriated reporters, contemplating life after a wild weekend, say being out of control is what makes life fun.

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

Typical looking Inebriated Press reporter

“I have no idea how many diseases I picked up or how many brain cells I lost over the weekend, but I had one hell of a time, that much I know,” said an Inebriated reporter while reviewing her own obituary and reflecting upon something of some consequence that seemed irrelevant yesterday.  “All this crap about keeping the national debt in control, or your emotions in hand or sex drive or whatever, just gets in the way of having fun.  And I’m always up for having fun.  I wonder what that damned burning sensation is in my lower abdoman. Probably should see a doctor.  I need to be ready to party by Friday.  What day is today anyway?”

In other news, Fox reported that voters in the heart of the Swiss Alps on Sunday passed legislation banning nude hiking after dozens of mostly German nudists started rambling through their picturesque region. The cantonal government recommended the ban after citizens objected to encountering walkers wearing nothing but hiking boots and socks. A similar legal move is expected in neighboring Appenzell Outer Rhodes with legislation being prepared against “this shameless behavior.”  No word on whether the Swiss consider the Octomom or Obamanomics shameless, but word out of Springfield, Illinois is that there are vibrations coming out of Lincoln’s tomb indicating that old Abe is spinning so fast in his grave that the city may be able to harness him as an energy source.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Octomom was stripper for over a year, used the alias “Angelina”
http://www.celebitchy.com/47741/octomom_was_stripper_for_over_a_year_used_the_alias_angelina/

Brothels cut prices to beat the recession
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/brothels-cut-prices-to-beat-the-recession-1674400.html

First 100 Days: Obama Image, Communications Skills Strong, Even as Public Questions Policies
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/first100days/2009/04/24/days-obama-image-strong-public-questions-policies/

Voters in Switzerland Ban Nude Hiking
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517989,00.html

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New Jihadi workout Magazine, High School Reunion Strippers, and, Long Distance Intimacy Devices

> Pro al-Qaeda magazine offers jihadi fitness tips
> Stripper Impersonates High School Alum at Reunion
> Bedroom intimacy device invented for long distance relationships

Inebriated Press
April 23, 2009

High school reunion?

High school reunion?

ABC News reported Tuesday that a new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists has been launched and offers fitness tips for jihadists planning attacks on Americans.  And ABC News also reported that a Palos Verdes woman hired a stripper to impersonate her at her 10-year high school reunion, and then videoed the reactions and posted clips on YouTube.  Meanwhile, BBC News reported on Wednesday that couples in long distance relationships are being sought to try out a prototype device designed to communicate intimacy from their bedrooms.  Pundits are organizing an army of fake pro al-Qaeda workout strippers and arranging for them to mate with real al Qaeda terrorists using long distance technology so that no offspring will be created and eventually the terrorists will die out.

Someone named Kathy

Someone named Kathy

“If we can get hot looking strippers to pretend to be workout experts for al Qaeda and then make the terrorists think they’re in long distance relationships with them, we believe we may eventually get the terrorists to play video games thinking that they’re acting out long-distance scenarios in real life — you know, getting multiple wives and children and stuff –and even believe that they’re blowing up people and cutting their heads off, when in reality it’s all fake,” said Kathy Litenight-Mayhem, a philosopher and heavy crane operator who mixes reality with illusion the way Obama does truth and lies. “If this can be made to work, all future al Qaeda terrorists will be acting in cyberspace and not in the real world.  They’ll believe they’re doing all the terrible things that they want to, and have scores of child-wives that they abuse and knock-up and stuff, but they won’t really be doing it all.  Then when they’re not suspecting we’ll have Special Op’s guys walk in and cap the lot of them.  Quick, easy, inexpensive and they amount to nothing.  It’s worth a shot.”

Someone named Zack

Someone named Zack

Not everyone sees it the way Litenight-Mayhem does.  “Converting terrorists into cyber actors engaged in their routine shit but all in a video game won’t work.  Terrorists are highly tactile and value hands-on beheadings with the blood squirting all over; they like the crunching sound of their fists hitting their wives, and seeing the parts of suicide bombers and their victims splatter against the windows of their trucks as they wait and watch,” said Zack Tripplet, throwing-up at the thought of the stuff he just said.  “I wish they could be sucked into a delusion that would get them away from the violent killing, but it’s not to be.  We have to keep hunting them down and killing them the old fashioned way.  Of course now that Obama has declared that there is no war on terrorism and has plans to punish Bush administration officials who kept us safe, all bets are off on what reality means and what the U.S. is willing to do.  After Obama’s Apology Tour of 2009 and with his recent decisions to cut major military spending and stop serious interrogations, the U.S. has become an impotent colossus.”

Jihad exerciseABC News reported that a new pro al-Qaeda magazine for extremists is offering fitness tips to jihadists planning attacks against Americans in countries such as Afghanistan. The first edition out this month offers workout tips to get buff with the aim “to train as hard as possible in order to damage the enemies of Allah as much as possible.” The English language e-zine, Jihad Recollections, is about 70 pages long and is thought to be produced by an American living in North Carolina. It claims to have articles written by Osama bin Laden and his second in command, Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Jihad workout

Jihad workout

Pull-ups, walking on your hands and crawling long distances are just some of the suggested exercises that come along with illustrations of white-robed men with scarves covering their faces…perhaps not the most comfortable of work-out clothing. Ashleigh Prince, a fitness instructor in London, has a few problems with it. “I don’t see the benefits of walking on your hands or crawling at all — it would be much more beneficial to do other types of exercises to build strength, such as push-ups.”

Wachner & "Cricket"

Wachner & "Cricket"

ABC News reported that rather than attend her 10-year high school reunion, Andrea Wachner, 31, sent someone else in her place, a stripper, and made a documentary about it. On the day of the reunion, Wachner brought a crew, two cameramen and a sound technician to the Marriott Hotel in Torrance, Calif., and set up near the festivities. The stripper, named “Cricket” showed up in a burlesque outfit: fishnets, a tight black dress that resembled a slip, and tall black spike-heeled boots. Her visible tattoos and short jet-black hair, accented with a purple flower, only added to her look, which differed markedly from the formal attire of the other reunion attendees.

Stripper KendraCricket told the reunion attendees that she’d had reconstructive surgery and also suffered from amnesia. It wasn’t completely unbelievable, because some had already heard that the real-life Wachner was in an accident after high school — her car was totaled and she had been injured, but she had never suffered from amnesia. As the evening went on Cricket took a chair to the dance floor and began stripping. As she pulled off her top, and then her skirt, revealing her underwear, several of the alums clapped, screamed and laughed. One woman ran up to Cricket and stuffed a bill in her panties. Some just gaped in amazement. The resulting documentary, “I Remember Andrea” wasn’t picked up by the film festivals this go-around, but Wachner did find a manager who took interest in her project. They are shopping it around as a reality TV show or a narrative feature.

Mutsugoto's "light" touch

Mutsugoto's "light" touch

BBC News reported that Moray-based technology laboratory, Distance Lab, hopes to find three couples willing to use Mutsugoto, a new “intimacy device”. The device allows couples, who are separated by distance, to draw in light on each other’s bodies or beds. Stefan Agamanolis, one of its three developers, said it will be the first time it is tested in this way. Distance Lab, which describes itself as a creative research organization; hope to find couples where one partner lives in the capital while the other, who will be given a portable device, lives a few hundred miles away. Mr Agamanolis said the device was designed to communicate intimacy and to offer an alternative to text and e-mail messaging.

While lying on their beds ...

While lying on their beds ...

While lying on their beds miles away from each other, the couples wear touch-activated rings visible to a camera mounted above them. A computer vision system tracks the movement of the ring as one of the device’s users passes it across their own body, or bed. At the same time these strokes are transmitted to and projected in beams of light on the body of their partner. The lines change color if they cross. Also in development is a game in which people can throw themselves at a life-sized image of an opponent who could be on the other side of the world. Remote Impact is an interactive fighting game. In the prototype, people battle a silhouette projected on to a mattress and can register brute force.

In other news, Breitbart reported Monday that Abraham Lincoln was a Muslim, according to Faruq Masudi, producer and director of the new Islamic movie, Quran Contemporary Connections. “According to the Quran, everybody is born a Muslim,” said Masudi.  “It is only by his own free will that a man chooses a different course for himself. Abraham Lincoln was not only a born Muslim but he chose to live by Islamic edicts like abolishing organized slavery; establishing equality of all human beings, democracy and accountability to God and Man; core Islamic concepts as propounded in the Holy Quran.” No word on whether Masudi likes long distance relationships or al Qaeda strippers, but he’s clearly creating his own reality with video.  So he’s got that going for him.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

How to Get in Shape Jihadi Style
A New Pro Al-Qaeda Magazine for Extremists is Offering Fitness Tips to Jihadists
http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=7389753&page=1

Stripper Impersonates High School Alum: Classmates Learn About Reunion Prank on YouTube
Andrea Wachner Asked a Pole Dancer to Impersonate Her at Her 10-Year Reunion
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=7364963&page=3

Couples to test ‘intimacy’ device
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/highlands_and_islands/8004769.stm
 
Abraham Lincoln was Born a Muslim, Says Film Maker
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=prnw.20090420.CL01596&show_article=1&catnum=-1

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