Tag Archives: suicide bombers

Donkey ‘Suicide’ Bombers, Sex on the Queens Lawn, and Couple Dodges Tricky Incest Problem

> Detonating Donkey’s Near Soldiers, Latest Tactic in Afghanistan
> Couple Arrested Having Sex on Windsor Castle Lawn
> Brother and Sister Marry, Discover They’re Not Really Related

Inebriated Press
May 4, 2009

Relatives, on your lawn?

Relatives, on your lawn?

The Times Online reported Thursday that the latest “suicide” bombing tactic in Afghanistan, is blowing up donkey’s laden with explosives and tethered on roadsides, when military vehicles pass.  And the Telegraph reported Thursday that a couple was arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. Meanwhile, MosNews reported Wednesday that police are looking for a brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood.  Pundits are debating the nature of freedom, sex and death.

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

“The couple arrested having sex on the lawn chose to do that, just like the brother and sister who chose to have sex and eventually get married — the blood relationship was learned late in that game, but the choices were still theirs.  But the donkeys that are getting blown to bits are not freely making the choice, so they’re not technically ‘suicide bombers’. Suicide involves the decision to end ones own life and the donkey’s aren’t included in the decision making process,” said Lusty Linda Doubletoe-Loop, an ice skating stripper, who hates the name her parents gave her, but tries to live up to it.  “Freedom to chose who you have sex with and where, and when to blow yourself up and where, are important freedoms that shouldn’t be taken away by the police, the State, or one’s parents.  Freedom to be a donkey mating its cousin and not being blown up, should be that animals right.  And freedom for brothers and sisters to have sex on the lawn at Windsor Castle is also a right that people should have.  Freedom of the individual is a natural right and should not be controlled as though it’s granted by society or a government.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my brother and a donkey.  Don’t look at me so strange, this is about freedom.”

Someone named Deidre

Someone named Deidre

Not everyone agrees with Doubletoe-Loop.  “You want to blow up a donkey, blow up a donkey.  Just don’t be blowing up donkey’s that don’t belong to you, or killing people who don’t want to be killed.  And as far as sex between relatives and on the lawns of kings or queens goes, it’s wrong.  At the very least, for genetic reasons you shouldn’t have sex with relations; and for propriety’s sake, let alone the private property issue, you can’t be having sex on other peoples lawns in broad daylight,” said Deidre McMilkshake, a hot Irish dairy executive who thrives on regulatory concepts and other restrictive things, some of which involve leather.  “Individuals have no rights not granted to them by the State or governing authority.  Freedom without restraint is chaos. An orderly society requires restrictions, laws, rules.  Without rule of law, no economy can be developed, and society is mere menagerie.  On a personal level, I’ve found that the tighter and more restrictive I wear my clothes, the more power I have — especially over men.  Silicon properly installed and barely constrained behind leather is like lightening in a bottle.  Like chaos on a leash.  Don’t tell me that harnessed energy can’t be channeled for societies good, and mine too.  Watch me out on a Saturday night if you still have doubts.”

Donkey's are dangerous

Donkey's are dangerous

The Times Online reported that a senior British Army officer and six other military personnel survived attack when a tethered donkey laden with explosives was detonated as their armored vehicle passed in southern Afghanistan. The huge explosion showered the soldier standing on “top cover” out of the Mastiff’s turret with donkey entrails and blood, and the sight was so gruesome that the rest of those in the vehicle thought he had been mortally wounded in the blast. Troops in Afghanistan have been attacked by a boy with a wheelbarrow full of explosives and a bicycle with a bomb attached, but the explosion south of Garmsir in southern Helmand province is thought to be the first using tethered livestock.

Keep off the grassThe Telegraph reported that a couple were arrested after being caught having sexual intercourse on the Queen’s lawn outside Windsor Castle. The pair, in their early thirties, stripped on a private grass bank at the castle, where Her Majesty was in residence. They were watched by crowds of tourists beneath the castle’s Garter Tower, in full view of hotels, pubs and shops over the road. Several Japanese tourists filmed the couple for up to twenty minutes before they were arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers. Witness Mark Robinson, 44, said: “One window from the guardroom opened up and when a soldier saw what was going on he told his mates – and lots of windows opened. The couple did not care who was looking and just kept going as if they were in their own bedroom. They even ignored the Please Keep Off The Grass signs.”

Happily married.

Happily married.

MosNews reported that police are looking for the brother and sister who ran away from home and got married after learning that they were not relatives by blood. Their parents, well-off residents of Smolensk city in Central Russia, adopted the boy as a baby when their own daughter was five years old, and never told the son he was adopted. The two seemed to have feelings for each other since childhood. As they grew, the emotional relationship between the brother and sister became obvious to family and friends, and the parents became even more determined not to reveal the truth. Finally, when they were already 20 and 25 years old, the two learned the truth from one of the neighbors, and realized nothing was keeping them apart. When they revealed their intentions to the parents, it provoked a massive row, and the next day they were gone.

She can kick your ass

She can kick your ass

In other news, Associated Press reported Wednesday that Los Angeles County sheriff’s Deputy Michael Rust says a Quartz Hill girl was walking to school April 24 when two men approached her from behind, tried to grab her coat and demanded money. Instead, one got a punch in the nose and the other a kick to the groin. Rust says the girl then beat both of them with her band baton before she ran away. The men had not been caught. But Rust says there’s a clear message to take from the encounter: “The moral to this story is don’t mess with the marching band girls, or you just might get what you deserve.”  No word on how the girl feels about terrorists who blow up donkeys, or couples who have sex on Windsor Castle’s lawn, but she sounds like the type who won’t take shit from anyone, so I’ll bet she has an opinion and it probably makes sense.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Donkey ‘suicide’ bombing is latest tactic against patrols
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article6194874.ece

Sex on Queen’s lawn at Windsor Castle
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5248440/Sex-on-Queens-lawn-at-Windsor-Castle.html

Russian couple happy to find out it’s not incest
http://mosnews.com/society/2009/04/29/incest/

Girl Beats Off Muggers With Marching Band Baton
http://www.theindychannel.com/news/19328026/detail.html

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The Church of Sex, The Coed Cartwheel Killer, and How to Win New Contracts by Defrauding the Government

> The Phoenix Goddess Temple sells faith; the sex is free
> Killer coed turns cartwheels in police station after murder
> Companies that defraud the U.S. Government get new contracts

Inebriated Press
March 3, 2009

Faith

Faith

The Arizona Republic reported last week that police investigated a sexually oriented temple operating in Scottsdale after neighbors complained that it was a house of prostitution.  And Fox News reported last week that an Italian investigator testified in the murder trial of an American student saying the American turned cartwheels in the police station after the killing.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported that companies that defrauded the United States and jeopardized American lives, received new government deals, despite rulings designed to stop them from receiving federal contracts.  Pundits are debating the benefits of sex as religion, murder as exercise, and fraud as a government approved practice.

Chicago style needs your money

Chicago style needs your money

“Hope and change baby, that’s my Obama-centric mantra and when I’m not worshiping Barack I’m banging a priestess for spiritual therapy down at the Phoenix Temple.  I’d start killing folks for exercise too, but you can only get away with that in California and I can’t afford the taxes so I don’t live there,” said Tiny Timm-Thumbnaile, a New Age weight lifter and hula-hoopist, who bases reality on breakfast cereal and random thoughts.  “I tried to get a government contract for $500 hammers and toilet seats, but the deal was already taken by another guy who only charges $1,000 each.  Guess those are the breaks in a free market like this one.”

Someone named Betty

Someone named Betty

Not everyone is so sure current trends are really representative of an open and free market.  “You want to sell sex, do it in Nevada where it’s legal, not in Arizona where you have to call it a religion.  And while killing women as exercise is fine in Muslim countries, it’s generally frowned upon in Italy and the U.S., so you gotta cut that shit out,” said Betty Debbie-Heartthrobb, a paralegal paranormal who sees life metaphysically so she can ignore most of the illegal stuff going on around her.  “There’s a lot of stuff that needs fixing in this old world, not the least of which is the ongoing government contract deals with the same companies that keep screwing the country.  Every time I see a poll come out that says folks think Obama is the greatest and I see that the Federal government is still doing dumb shit only in bigger more expensive ways, I think there’s not much hope for this country.  But I guess now that sex and big government are religions all my Vegas trips will be business related tax deductions.  So at least I’ve got that going for me.”

$204 per hour priestess

$204 per hour priestess

The Arizona Republic reported that police have investigated a sexually oriented temple operating in a downtown Scottsdale home after complaints from neighbors. Scottsdale police spokesman Sgt. Mark Clark said police visited the Phoenix Goddess Temple last week to investigate a complaint that it was a house of prostitution but could not determine if the allegations were true. The temple has drawn police attention because its tenets connect spirituality and sexuality and it employs sexual healers and teaches its members about tantric sexual techniques. “It’s perceived as a sex church,” Priestess Elise said. The 48-year-old priestess was unapologetic about the temple and its views on sex, which she said are far more enlightened than those of most other religions. A citizen’s complaint to police alleges that prices listed at the temple say services are $204 for one hour and $440 for 2 1/2 hours but do not say what those services are. “I’m totally sincere in saying this is a spiritual endeavor,” Elise said. “Tantra is the most ancient religion on the planet.” The practices of the Phoenix Goddess Temple have alarmed neighbors, but it was traffic and parking issues that first sparked complaints to the city in the fall.

Cartwheeling Coed Killer able to cope

Cartwheeling Coed Killer able to cope

Fox News reported that Italian investigators testified Friday in the murder trial of an American student and her former boyfriend, with one saying the American turned cartwheels in the police station after the killing. A court in Perugia, in central Italy, heard testimony from detectives who inspected the apartment where 21-year-old Meredith Kercher, a Briton, was found stabbed to death on Nov. 2, 2007. Kercher’s roommate, University of Washington student Amanda Knox, and Knox’s Italian former boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, are charged with murder and sexual violence. Prosecutors allege that Kercher was killed during what began as a sex game, with Sollecito holding her by the shoulders from behind while Knox touched her with the point of a knife. They say Guede tried to sexually assault Kercher and then Knox fatally stabbed her in the throat.

Associated Press reported that companies that defrauded the United States and jeopardized American lives received new government work despite rulings designed to stop them from receiving federal contracts, government investigators report. Payments went to a company whose president tried to sell nuclear bomb parts to North Korea, a company that jeopardized lives on the aircraft carrier USS John F. Kennedy, and a seller of body armor that the Air Force said was defective. The investigators found a staggering list of offenses by companies awarded new contracts. They found use of fictitious Social Security numbers, massive tax fraud, delivery of faulty parts for the military, false filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission, use of insider information to bid on federal contracts, and Medicare fraud.  The Government Accountability Office blamed some of the mistakes on faulty computer searches by officials who left out commas or periods, but investigators said that the U.S. Army deliberately continued a contract with a German company, Optronic GmbH, whose president was convicted in Germany for attempting to illegally ship dual aluminum tubes to North Korea. The equipment can be used in the development of nuclear bombs. The Army paid the company $31 million under the contract, including $4 million after it was placed on the exclusion list.

Some people say that relativity is what relativity does.

Peace is a relative thing

Peace is a relative thing

“There are no hard and fast rules anymore, we’re in an enlightened new Obamamanian Age where children who survive botched abortions will be left to die and companies that actively work against American interests are funded by taxpayers.  This is a new era where the irresponsible are finally rewarded and hard working people at last get screwed over the way they deserve,” said some guy who wondered past stealing my cigars and Crown Royal thinking they were parting gifts.  “Darn right Obama is sending $900 million to Hamas, conducted his first TV interview with Jihadist television and hangs with anti-Americans like Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers – the Pentagon bomber.  These are new days and times of hope.  It’s taken a while, but finally the juvenile delinquents, the tax cheats and Chicago gangsters are in charge. But don’t worry, you’ll be okay.  Just pay the extortion money and you’ll get along just fine.  It’s the Chicago way.  Trust me.”

In other news, United Press International reported last week that United Arab Emirates officials blocked a YouTube cartoon from Israel, featuring two Muslim boys who deflect their father’s efforts to make them suicide bombers. Officials said the cartoon is anti-Islam and racist toward Arabs, al-Arabiya reported. No word on why someone stopping Arab kids from blowing the shit out of innocent people is such a bad thing, but  with Obama sending 900 million U.S. taxpayer dollars to the  Palestinians, that’s bound to make them feel a little better.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Neighbors complain about sexually-oriented temple
http://www.azcentral.com/community/scottsdale/articles/2009/02/26/20090226sr-realestate0227.html

Police: Coed Slay Suspect Knox Did Cartwheels After Murder
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,501776,00.html

Firms defraud government but get new US contracts
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/B/BANNED_CONTRACTORS?SITE=MTBIL&SECTION=TOP_STORIES&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

UAE blocks Israeli cartoon from YouTube
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/02/26/UAE_blocks_Israeli_cartoon_from_YouTube/UPI-11801235703680/

U.S. offers $900 million to Palestinians
http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/03/02/mideast.clinton/

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China marries Iran, Saudi’s say 10-year-old girls should marry, and there’s a new St. Pauli Girl for beer drinkers to lust after

> Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
> Saudi cleric: it’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10
> Breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!

Inebriated Press
January 21, 2009

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

St. Pauli Girl Van Derham

Breitbart reported last week that Iran and China signed a $2 billion agreement that allows Chinese development of an Iranian oil field. The two countries did a similar deal in December 2007, and despite U.S. concerns, their commitment to one another continues to grow.  And Mail Online reported last week that Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric said 10-year-old girls are ready for marriage, and people who say they’re too young are being “unfair” to them. Meanwhile, BrandFreak reported last week that German beer company St. Pauli Girl, has selected Slovakian model Katarina Van Derham, to appear as their faux German barmaid in future promotions. The quest for oil, beer and fine women — of all ages — rolls on like the timeless traditions of communist-dictatorships, drinking and underaged sex. 

“There’s no stopping Communists and Islamofascists from hooking up for mutual benefit, or slowing Muslim men from marrying baby girls or blowing themselves or others to bits,” said Misty Mae-Morningside, a barmaid and holder of the ‘2009 Beer Babe’ title down at the Shady Hollow Stripper Bar and Welding Helmet Lounge.  “I don’t know whether it’s in their DNA or part of the Middle Eastern education system, but screwing helpless girls and blowing up innocent women in the marketplace is like a damned tradition over there. The Chinese just need the oil so they don’t give a shit one way or another.  As far as the new Pauli Girl goes, she’s hot, but hasn’t got nothin’ on me.”

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Wife to-be of 50-year-old Guy

Some people say there are traditions that should end.  “Marrying-off 10-year-old Saudi girls or giving birth control patches to 11-year-old U.S. children at King Middle School in Maine, is as wrong as Communists and Islamofascists working together to strengthen themselves against the free West,” said Mabel Matron-Ironside, a shopkeeper and pro-establishment Virginian, whose only regret in life is that the South didn’t win the U.S. Civil War.  “Just because you call underage marriage a tradition doesn’t make it right, and just because you believe in sexual freedom that doesn’t mean you should slap chemical patches on school children so they avoid pregnancy but inherit a bunch of drug related side-effects.  Doesn’t anyone think through this stuff?  I’m not sure whose fault it is, but I’m guessing it’s those damn Yankees up North.  Son’s of bitches.”

090121_iran_oilBreitbart reported that Iran’s official news agency says the country has signed a $1.76 billion deal with China to develop the North Azadegan oil field in southwestern Iran near the Iraq border. The IRNA report says the deal was signed between the National Iranian Oil Company and the China National Petroleum Corp. Iran’s Oil Minister Gholam Hossein Nozari says the field has an estimated 6 billion barrels of crude oil and will produce 75,000 barrels of oil per day for 25 years. In December 2007, China’s biggest refiner, Sinopec, signed a $2 billion agreement with Iran to develop another Iranian oil field, the Yadavaran. The deals illustrate China’s strong business ties with Iran despite U.S. pressure over the Iranian nuclear program.

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh

The UK Mail Online reported that ten-year-old girls are ready for marriage, according to Saudi Arabia’s most senior cleric. Sheikh Abdul-Aziz Al Sheikh, the country’s grand mufti, told Al Hayat newspaper that those saying ten or 12-year-old girls are too young to marry are being ‘unfair’ to them. Al Sheikh’s comments come at a time when Saudi human rights groups have been pushing the government to put an end to marriages involving the very young and to define a minimum age for marriage. In the past few months, Saudi newspapers have highlighted several cases in which young girls were married off to much older men or very young boys.

The report followed a ruling by a court in Oneiza in central Saudi Arabia last month that dismissed a divorce petition by the mother of an eight-year-old girl whose father married her off to a man in his 50s. Newspaper reports said the court argued that the mother did not have the right to file such a case on behalf of her daughter and said that the petition should be filed by the girl when she reaches puberty. There are no statistics to show how many marriages involving children are performed in Saudi Arabia every year.

Van Derham

Van Derham

BrandFreak reported that continuing a 26-year tradition of finding stunning women who look great in German barmaid’s attire to represent its signature beer, St. Pauli Girl has selected Katarina Van Derham as its new bar wench for 2009. The Slovakian model’s selection is unique in that the beer brand partnered with Maxim.com for an online vote. Her bio states: “Van Derham grew up in a small village in the woods of Slovakia, a communist country at the time. She moved to the United States at age 22, without any intention of becoming a model.” Van Derham has already appeared in ad campaigns for AT&T, Dodge and the Rockstar Energy Drink. In regards to her new role as a faux German barmaid, she says, “I am very honored and look forward to meeting St. Pauli Girl fans all over the country.”

Some people say that as long as you have fans you can do whatever you want.

St. Pauli Girl

St. Pauli Girl

“Let’s face it, success is driven by popularity. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is popular with Jew haters, the Chinese are popular with Iran’s government because they need cash and political support, young girls are popular with old men and St. Pauli girl is popular with men of all ages.  It’s popularity that gives you money, power and freedom — unless you’re a Muslim girl of course — then you’re just screwed,” said Strawberry Dackari, a sweet tasting drink that will nonetheless leave you heaving and with a hangover if you imbibe too much.  “I may be nothing more than the figment of your imagination or a combination of alcohol, sugar and fruit, but I know about popularity.  It got an unknown community organizer elected to the most powerful position in the world.  Brand Obama will rule the globe and he can do whatever he wants. I’ll bet St. Pauli Girl is his if he wants her.  I wonder what he really does want … I mean besides power? I suppose time will tell.  It usually does.”

090121-google-apps

St. Google Girl?

In other news, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported last week that in the Cincinnati area, where legend holds that trends come 10 years late, “sexting” arrived well ahead of time. Teens there are taking nude photos of themselves or others, sending them on their cell phones or posting them online. Some teens do it as a joke. For others, it’s the new bold pickup line to get a date. A year ago, a 19-year-old Goshen cheerleading coach was charged and prosecuted for a misdemeanor, contributing to the unruliness of a child, for taking a topless photo of herself and a 15-year-old girl. A Glen Este Middle School boy was taken to juvenile court during the last school year for taking explicit photos of his girlfriend. “It’s ‘Kids Gone Wild,’ with technology being provided by the parents,” according to Jim Brown, school resource officer at Glen Este High School. No word on how Saudi clerics feel about this, but since these incidents involve girls older than 10 and the issue isn’t marriage to 50 year-old men, it’s kind of hard to decide which society the suicide bombers should attack.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Report: Iran signs oil deal with China
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D95N2SAO0&show_article=1

It’s an injustice to NOT marry girls aged 10, says Saudi cleric
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1115624/Its-injustice-NOT-marry-girls-aged-10-says-Saudi-cleric.html

Important breaking news: A new St. Pauli Girl has been chosen!
http://www.brandfreak.com/2009/01/important-breaking-news-a-new-st-pauli-girl-has-been-chosen.html

Maine Middle School May Drug 11 Year Old Girls with Birth Control Patches
http://www.naturalnews.com/022934.html

Teens bare all on phones
http://news.cincinnati.com/article/20090113/NEWS0102/901130326

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