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Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

> Family waits at Cemetery while Hearse Driver Buys Beer
> Study: “Pulling Out” nearly as Effective as Condoms
> Woman teacher writes book describing sexual encounters with ‘favorite’ students

Inebriated Press
June 1, 2009

Beer, the sirens song

Beer, the sirens song

United Press International (UPI) reported Wednesday that the hearse driver for a funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited.  And CBS News reported Thursday that a new study claims withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Wednesday that a British teacher has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students.  Pundits are debating the ethical risks and rewards of beer, condoms, and sex with children.

kareliya“There’s really nothing inherently wrong with teachers having sex with their students as long as the boys pull out soon enough and both the adult and child have been drinking heavily,” said some twisted bastard who will remain unnamed because she is likely to be nominated to the Supreme Court in the future.  “In a society where the random thoughts of a Hispanic woman trumps rule of law, white men and the U.S. Constitution, any freaking thing goes, and that’s how it should be.  Relative ethics, relative law, and sex with relatives and children are all fine.  There are no inherent rights or wrongs, it’s all up to whoever is in power to decide what’s good and bad, who’s happy or sad, who gives up most of their income and the slackers that it should be given to.  As far as the hearse driver who stopped for beer, let’s face it, it’s every person’s right to have beer. So what if the family waited in the cemetery wondering where the body of their loved one went.  The body was dead anyway so it didn’t care, and the family probably had nothing better to do than hang out.  If they’d been smart they’d have been someplace else slamming beer and having pullout sex.  Hope and change baby.  Let’s get with it.”

Someone named Lana

Someone named Lana

Not everyone agrees with the twisted bastard who discards morality and the Constitution, and will probably be on the Supreme Court defining both someday.  “Stopping off to buy beer when you should be delivering the body of a loved one to the family waiting at a cemetery is tasteless and rude — and I’m using kind words.  Go buy beer on your own time, after you’ve done your job.  And the idea that ethics are so relative and random that it’s okay for teachers to have sex with students and write books about it; or to promote the idea that not using condoms is no more risky than using them, is stupid, in addition to being wrong,” said Lana Ethical-Abbs, an account executive whose body and ethics are both lean, strong and attractive to many.  “Fire and then prosecute the teacher for illegal sexual contact with minors, fire the hearse driver and apologize to that poor family, then cut in-half the fee the mortuary was charging them; and then ignore the ridiculous ‘no-condoms are just as good as condoms’ study.  We need common sense and proper application of law, safe sex and beer acquisition.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.  But then, Obama just nominated a person to the Supreme Court who disagrees with the very Constitution she’ll be sworn to defend and correctly interpret, so I guess common sense isn’t in vogue anymore.  Liberal empathy is supposed to rule today.  Trouble is it’s funded by conservative taxpayer dollars and the erosion of both the rule of law and economic sustainability.  In the end it amounts to nothingness, the foundation is gone; it’s like ‘building ones house upon the sand’.  A family, society or a country can’t stay strong very long that way.”

HearseUPI reported that the hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said. The Latin American Herald Tribune reported Wednesday that relatives and friends of Tito Vasquez waited for several hours Sunday at the Campos de Cristo cemetery for the hearse to arrive so that they could bury their loved one. Vasquez’s family said they could not understand why his body was not being delivered for the funeral. Police said Vasquez’s body was eventually found in the hearse in the parking lot of a motel in Bogota’s San Bernardo neighborhood.

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

CBS News reported that most sexually active people don’t think that the pullout method is a very effective form of contraception, but according to a new study withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is more than just “better than nothing,” and is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms. The study, titled “Better than nothing or savvy risk reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal,” appears in the June edition of the journal Contraception. The authors found: “If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively.”

Teacher and "favorite"

Teacher and "favorite"

Fox News reported that a British teacher reportedly has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students. The fictional work “Stop! Don’t Read This” focuses on five of Leonora Rustamova’s “favorite” students at Calder High School and addresses the 39-year-old’s growing struggle to view her students as “kids.” She also writes about her tendency to flirt with students and allow them to flirt with and fantasize about her, according to the Daily Telegraph. In addition, the expletive-filled book featured stories of students drinking, skipping school and possibly using drugs. It also named other faculty members, including the school’s headmaster Stephen Ball, the Daily Telegraph reported. When she was suspended in January over the book’s release, more than 250 students and parents demonstrated in support of Rustamova, saying she was only try to encourage the students to read, the Telegraph reported. The school announced on Wednesday that she had been terminated following a disciplinary hearing into her conduct.

Some people say the teacher was simply using the same approach as Playboy’s Hugh Hefner because just at most men buy his porn magazine for the articles, most students are more interested in literature than sex.  A few others are just interested in silly old-fashioned writing and pre-Obama ideals.

Boring traditional American guy

Boring traditional American guy

“Give me a dusty old copy of Shakespeare over a glossy new Maxim any day, I’m way more into cryptic hard-to-read classic bullshit than some hot easy-to-see-through babe busting out of her clothes all over the place,” said some guy busting out of his clothes all over the place and probably lying like hell.  “Today’s ‘new’ trends like teacher-student sex, leaving people rot while you buy beer, and pullout contraception, are pathetic jokes.  Give me a gal with old-fashioned common sense, an in-shape body that will sustain her health in the long run, some old-school Trojans for that ‘just-in-case’ moment, and a couple Jack Daniels on-the-rocks after work.  That may sound boring as hell to some anti-Constitutional relativist who’d rather bang some school children, but my way built America and sustains it today.  It’ll continue sustaining it if the voters will pull their heads out of their asses long enough to elect some leaders who believe in limited government, lower taxes and a free market economy.  It’s time to get our shit together and get back to boring old traditional-American values.  The pretty boy in the White House isn’t doing us any favors.  Believe me.”

no-parkingIn other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that Tarpon Springs police blame a local developer for installing fake “no parking” signs around a popular city restaurant that resulted in 233 tickets being written in a two-year span. At the same time, acting police Chief Robert Kochen acknowledged his department’s failure to properly handle the matter. In a 23-page report released this week, Kochen said developer Mike Bronson admitted recently to installing the signs along the city’s right of way after initially denying it. The report says criminal charges against Bronson would not be feasible at this time, but makes no mention of other possible penalties. Kochen said:” The Police Department’s patrol officers were doing their job and they had no reason (at the time) to believe any of these signs may have been unauthorized by the city.”  No word on how the police feel about hearse drivers buying beer instead of delivering bodies, or underage teacher-student sex, but since they were faked out by pretend no-parking signs it’s a good bet that they’re probably also faked out by the “benefits” of no-condom contraception.  But I could be wrong.  It seems that after two-years and a 23-page report they eventually figure shit out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hearse driver stops for beer

“Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, Study Says

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal

Report: British Teacher Fired for Writing Racy Novel About Her ‘Favorite’ Students

Teacher sacked over racy novel that named students

Fake ‘no parking’ signs fool Tarpon Springs police, who write 233 tickets near Tarpon Turtle restaurant

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Fake Drugs and Fake Religion: The Placebo Effect

One in Two Doctors Prescribe Placebos
Corky Nowell Wants a Monument to His 1975 Religion

Inebriated Press
November 21, 2008

081121placebo1The Wall Street Journal reported last week that one in two American doctors say they prescribe placebos to their patients, and more than two-thirds believe it permissible to do so. The Wall Street Journal also reported last week that the nine Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States heard oral arguments over whether a city in Utah is obligated, under the U.S. Constitution, to erect a monument in its park celebrating the Seven Aphorisms, the tenets of a local religion founded in 1975 by a former supply-company manager named Corky Nowell. Pundits are debating the benefits of fake drugs and religion, while American voters wonder what reality will bring when president-elect Obama and the Congressional Democrats take absolute power next year.

“I like fake things and placebos because they’re malleable and arbitrary and I can do what I want with them — be that real or imagined. It’s that kind of flexibility that I enjoy better than hard facts and the idea of unchangeable truth,” said Olga Tvorak, a gymnast and philosopher adept at bending the physical and metaphysical, frequently at the same time. “Doctors give placebos because the mind is what’s making people sick, and if the mind thinks it’s taking med’s to get well, it will. And religions built on aphorisms and neat sayings like ‘we are the one’s we’ve been waiting for’ are helpful but you can still ignore them without fear of hell. Barack will do what he wants because he can. That’s nothing to worry about, because when he takes charge he’ll define reality and make things fit it. Everything is relative and arbitrary anyway, that’s the reality of existence. Anyone telling you otherwise is selling something.”

Not everyone agrees with Tvorak. “There are elements of truth in all things, and some people twist it into a lie or convince people it’s meaningless, but deep down, in our heart of hearts, we know better,” said John Doe-Deer, an avid hunter and lawnmower salesman. “Some of my customers think my bill for fixing their lawnmowers is relative and arbitrary and believe that 30 day terms are meaningless, but they’re not. Same goes for my wife’s birth control. The last time we pretended it was a relative thing we got twins. If a doctor thinks I’m only making up an illness she should tell me and not just give me pretend medication and send me home. I may want a second opinion. And if Obama takes my hard earned money and gives it to others because they didn’t work as hard as me; that’ll be real and it’ll hurt me. As far as the religion thing goes, god doesn’t talk in terms of mere suggestions or aphorism, and he especially didn’t send enlightened beings to talk to a guy named Corky in Utah back in 1975. The Ancient of Days doesn’t toy around that way. Anyone who says He does is selling something.”

The Wall Street Journal reported that one in two American doctors say they prescribe placebos to their patients, and more than two-thirds believe it permissible to do so, according to a new study from the National Institutes of Health. Surveys of physicians in other countries, including Israel, Denmark and the U.K., have found similar results. These revelations, published last month in the prestigious BMJ, formerly known as the British Medical Journal, seem disquieting, even unethical. After all, when doctors prescribe a medication, we trust them to dispense the real thing.

In their coverage of the new study, the media portrayed placebo use as commonplace — “For Many Doctors, Placebos Are an Answer” said the Washington Post — and even a guilty indulgence: “Many MDs Admit, Privately, Giving Patients Placebos,” as the Star-Ledger put it. It would be no surprise if most people concluded that arrogant, impatient doctors were cheating them or pushing their concerns aside. In this light, the placebo story was simply further evidence that the cherished doctor-patient relationship is becoming a relic of the past.

The Wall Street Journal reported that the nine Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States heard oral arguments over whether a city in Utah is obligated, under the U.S. Constitution, to erect a monument in its park celebrating the Seven Aphorisms, the tenets of a local religion founded in 1975 by a former supply-company manager named Claude “Corky” Nowell, later known as Corky Ra, who said he was visited by “advanced living beings.” He called the religion that resulted Summum. Laughable though it looks, Pleasant Grove City v. Summum is a textbook example of tensions that have pulled our courts between noble readings of the Constitution — in this case, the First Amendment’s speech protections — and what the average person might call the common-sense requirements of running a civil society.

Some people say common sense went out of fashion during the last century and fakes and knock-offs are as important to the new era as trade with China.

081121beach“If you can’t afford the real thing, or if you just don’t want the baggage and side-effects that come with it, then the artificial or fake isn’t just as good, it’s better,” said Stacy Sunburn-Lipbalm, a beach-babe with bleached white hair, and silicon enhancements that stand proud in the setting California sun. “We all define our own reality and one is as good as another. I suppose there may be some slight variations between say, JFK and George Bush’s reality, compared to Adolf Hitler’s and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s. But I’m sure that whatever Obama does as president will be fine. All anyone really needs is sun and sand anyway. At least that’s how I see it. And deep down, that’s how 54% of American’s feel too. Otherwise they wouldn’t have elected a guy they know nothing about to be our leader.”

In related news, ten out of ten doctors prescribe drugs to their patients. And we wonder why the country has a drug problem. No word on precisely why that statement is considered relative or arbitrary.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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