Tag Archives: Taliban

Terrorists Roam Wild and Free, Pubs Get Hard-Ass Regulation, and Motherhood Goes on Ice

> Pakistani court frees radical cleric with link to India bombing
> Brit pubs face draconian regulations
> Aging women with future hopes freeze eggs now for later

Inebriated Press
May 3, 2009

Woman freezing her eggs

Woman freezing her eggs

The Washington Post reported Tuesday that a Pakistani court ordered the release of a hard-line Islamist cleric with ties to last year’s deadly attacks in the Indian city of Mumbai, setting the stage for a new round of tensions between the neighboring countries.  And Reason Online reported Monday that pointless regulations are ruining British pub life, as customers must stand in “post-office-style” lines, no drinking is allowed while in line, and no one can order more than two drinks at a time — regardless of whether they’re with a group.  Pubs that want to promote a discount special must notify police seven days in advance.  Meanwhile, Essential Baby reported that aging women who want to keep motherhood an option are freezing their unfertilized eggs for $12,000 a pop, hoping to have them thawed and fertilized in the future.  Inebriated reporters busying themselves by drinking three pints at a time in our news offices, and eating fried eggs by the dozen, thus destroying some chickens’ future, wonder when they should start buying assault rifles in preparation for the terrorists who will likely be showing up any day now.

AK-47 with proud owner

AK-47 with proud owner

“I’ve heard a lot of good things about AK-47’s and I guess even the Chinese versions of the Russian gun are pretty good.  With a little practice I could probably take down some asshole son-of-a-bitch Islamo bastard,” said Lacy Racy-Smoothbottom, a sweet talking, well toned part-time writer and full-time stripper down at the Lazy Space-Cadet Lounge and Hyperbolic Chamber.  “We may even have to use them to take the West back from Statism with all its bureaucratic over-regulation that stifles commerce, individual freedom and a good time.  The Islamofascist and Socialist-Statists are all bent on control and consolidating power over the individual.  It’s a crime against individual rights, free market economics and common sense.  As far as the egg freezing thing goes, I’m not up for that.  If I decide I want a family I’ll do it the old fashioned way.  Get married and get knocked up.  If it doesn’t work out we can adopt.  I’m not doing the $12,000 freeze-thaw, dump my guy’s sperm in a Petri dish and see what happens stuff.  I’m not saying its wrong or anything, but it’s not for me.  Call me old fashioned, but I like the physical effort of doing it myself.  If I can’t get pregnant we’ll adopt; nothing wrong with maybe saving a kid from some abortionist’s knife.  It might be the best thing for everybody.  Especially the kid.”

Prego hooters waitress in disgusting T

Prego hooters waitress in disgusting T

Not everyone agrees with Racy-Smoothbottom.  “No one should have an assault rifle or any weapon that can hurt another person.  As soon as we ban all guns we’ll have peace in our time.  The radical clerics just want to talk and reach an understanding,” said Heather Halfpint-Shorrt, an 8-month pregnant Hooters waitress currently suing the restaurant for making her wear a full sized T-shirt instead of a little halter top.  “And it’s good that Brit pubs are putting hard rules in place, we don’t have enough customer-control rules in Hooters.  We should make everyone pay tips in advance and let that determine how good the service is, and stuff like that.  As far as freezing my eggs now for later goes, well to be honest, I’m kind of past the point of caring about that.”

MumbaiThe Washington Post reported that Pakistan’s Lahore High Court’s decision to free radical cleric Hafiz Mohammed Saeed, a hard-liner linked to last year’s deadly attacks in the Indian city of Mumbai, came amid growing tension in Pakistan’s northwest, where security forces on Tuesday rescued dozens of students and teachers kidnapped by militants and where the army continues to battle Taliban fighters in the Swat Valley. India has demanded Pakistan vigorously pursue those behind the November siege of its commercial capital that killed 164 people and left nine of 10 gunmen dead. Pakistan has said it took several alleged suspects into custody, including Saeed, the head of a charity that the U.N. says is a front group for Lashkar-e-Taiba, the militant organization blamed in the attack. But the Muslim-majority country has a poor track record of prosecuting alleged militant leaders, and India and Pakistan argued for weeks after the attack over the proper amount of evidence needed to convict the suspected masterminds. On Tuesday morning, Saeed’s lawyer, A.K. Dogar, emerged from the courthouse to declare that jurists had decided Saeed’s continued detention was without basis. There was no immediate Indian comment Tuesday.

Back before draconian laws ...

Back before draconian laws ...

Reason Online reported that if you want to buy a drink at a pub in Oldham, northern England, you must stand in an orderly “post-office-style” line. It must be a straight line, starting one meter from the bar, with barriers, signage, and a “supervisor.” There must be no drinking while standing in line, and no drinking within one meter of the bar. Customers cannot order more than two drinks at one time. And if a pub wants to advertise discounted drinks, it must give the police and local council at least seven days’ notice. Pubs were once one of the most autonomous spaces in Britain; now they are one of the most regulated. The pub landlord has lost his dominion, and pubs need a local authority license for almost every possible activity that goes on within their walls. One Staffordshire pub hurriedly axed its 25-year-old dominos team, when police discovered that it lacked a license for sporting activity. Once the landlady had acquired a license, though, she discovered that nobody would be allowed to watch the dominos, since this “would constitute a live sporting event” and require a further license. The pub was also missing other key licenses, she said: “I was told that I couldn’t have music playing, I can have the TV on but with no sound. The regulars can’t sing any songs.” Dancing also requires official paperwork. One unlicensed York pub was threatened with a £20,000 fine, after an “impromptu jig by pensioner Mavis Brogden.” Police officers now have unprecedented legal powers over public houses.

Egg Harvest & You

Egg Harvest & You

Essential Baby reported Monday that more and more women who are single but aging and want to keep the option of motherhood open while not rushing into parenthood, are having their unfertilized eggs frozen before their fertility goes into decline.  An increasing number of women in their 30s, have opted for the treatment originally designed for those facing fertility-damaging cancer therapies. Women pay almost $12,000 to have unfertilized eggs extracted from their ovaries and then frozen and stored until they’re ready to try for a baby. In Brisbane, Australia each year, more than 100 women in their 30s are having their eggs frozen by the Queensland Fertility Group, which advertises its services to GPs and in newspapers and leaflets in women’s health clinics. “Social egg-freezing” has grown a lot over the past five years as techniques for egg-freezing have improved. Melbourne IVF, which has done 32 “social” egg freezes in the past decade, has now had two babies born from such eggs. According to Melbourne IVF fertility specialist Dr Kate Stern, new techniques have improved the survival rate of thawed eggs from one in five to six in 10.

Miss Atom 2009

Miss Atom 2009

In other news, MosNews reported Wednesday that Russia has selected Miss Atom 2009.  As usual, all the 350 contestants that competed for the title had one more thing in common, apart from being beautiful: they all work for the Russian nuclear industry. The beauty contest, held this year for the sixth time, only features employees of nuclear energy agencies and research institutions.  This year’s participants came from Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Kazakhstan and Lithuania. The first prize, a trip to Cuba, went to Yekaterina Bulgakova, legal consultant at the Institute of Research for Atomic Reactors (NIIAR).  No word on whether she has her own AK-47, likes pub regulations or plans to have her eggs frozen now for later, but with that rare combination of both beauty and brains why would I worry about that?  Meet me in Cuba!

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Pakistan court orders release of Mumbai suspect
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/01/AR2009060102953.html

Two Pints of Non-Alcoholic Lager and a Packet of Fat-Free Crisps
How pointless regulations are ruining British pub life
http://www.reason.com/news/show/133827.html

How ‘social egg-freezing’ is putting motherhood on ice
http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/parenting/conception/how-social-eggfreezing-is-putting-motherhood-on-ice-20090601-bs8o.html

Russia selects Nuclear Beauties 2009
http://www.mosnews.com/gallery/288.phtml

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Michael Phelps Gold Metal Sex, Taliban Poisoning Afghan School Girls, and Obama’s Attack on Hulu

> Stripper says Sex with Phelps lasted Three Hours
> Afghan Girls Poisoned in School by Extremists
> Obama Administration may bring Antitrust action against Hulu.com

Inebriated Press
May 13, 2009

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

Michael "Stamina" Phelps

The New York Post reported on Sunday that a stripper, who claims to have had a threesome with gold medalist Michael Phelps, says he has tremendous stamina and that sex lasted for about three hours.  And Associated Press reported on Tuesday that at least 84 Afghan schoolgirls were admitted to a hospital in the third poison attack in three weeks on a girl’s school, and some believe its being done by the Taliban or other “conservative” extremist groups who oppose girl’s education.  Meanwhile, Breitbart reported Monday that Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and the number of exclusive agreements it has struck, is resulting in attacks by many media commentators using antitrust language.  Given that President Obama has said he wants to strengthen antitrust law in the U.S., and wants more scrutiny of media, many believe it won’t be long until the U.S. Department of Justice begins antitrust action against Hulu.  Some pundits are trying to create a new nonprofit organization committed to helping Afghan women become highly educated, while enjoying movies on Hulu and having marathon sex. 

Someone named Melanie

Someone named Melanie

“At some point a person has to take a stand against the oppression of a young woman’s right to an education, against attacks on successful private enterprise like Hulu, and in favor of programs that result in hours of legalized sexual gratification.  And that’s why I’m organizing the ‘Hot-n-Heavy Web University Trust Fund and Skin Care Foundation’,” said Melanie Fulmetal-Jackette, a corporate executive and part-time stripper down at the Blue Steel Dance and Ammo Club.  “It’s time that everyone who claims to have a rational brain either fight Al Qaeda and the Taliban and kill them all and free the women to new opportunities; or fund groups like mine that are committed to helping oppressed women obtain good educations, get free access to Internet movies and have frequent orgasms through sex that works for them.  Oh, and a little skin care advice too, you can’t let stuff like that to chance.”

Undeserving of education and sex?

Undeserving of education and sex?

Not everyone agrees with Fulmetal-Jackette.  “Women are the property of all enlightened male members of the Taliban, and as such, are subject to our wishes and demands that they remain stupid and ignorant and do what we say.  As far as Hulu goes, all video entertainment should be banned with the exception of an occasional report from Osama bin Laden, or maybe a video of Taliban elders having sex with little girls they’ve forced to be their wives, but we don’t want to talk a lot about that because it makes our daughters irrationally nervous,” said Imum Sicsumbitch, a Taliban elder and one of several Sicsumbitch’s leading the movement.  In fact he proudly belongs to a line that includes several generations of Sicsumbitch’s who have passed their belief system down to him.  “And sex is whatever we say it is.  Women shouldn’t enjoy sex, but Taliban men need to have it as often as possible and have many wives so we can increase in number so there will be more Sicsombitch’s throughout the Middle East ruling other men and stopping the education and pleasure of women.  When we have destroyed the West, then there will finally be peace and proper rule on earth.  We are so glad that Obama has declared an end to the war on terror.  We knew the infidels would give up eventually.  Soon all women in the world will be denied educations, the way god intended.”

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

Phelps catching his breath during sex marathon

The New York Post reported that Michael Phelps deserves another gold medal – for stamina in the sack, according to a stripper who claims she had a threesome with the swim champ. “The sex lasted for about three hours,” Baltimore stripper Theresa White told Britain’s News of the World. “Michael should get another Olympic gold for marathon love-making!”  White, 25, claims Phelps invited her and some of her lap-dancing pals to his apartment, and that’s where the action allegedly took a kinky turn after two hours of drinking. White said she approached Phelps for a three-way: “He told me he’d never had one before but said it would be with me and then pointed at another girl. “Everybody else stayed put while we went upstairs and jumped into bed,” she said. A rep for Phelps did not return messages seeking comment.

Taliban going clubbing with women

Taliban going clubbing with women

The Associated Press reported that at least 84 schoolgirls in Charikar, Afghanistan were admitted to a hospital Tuesday for headaches and vomiting in the third apparent poison attack on a girl’s school in as many weeks, officials and doctors said. The students were lining up outside their school in northeastern Afghanistan on Tuesday morning when a strange odor filled the school yard, and one girl collapsed, said the school’s principal, who was herself in a hospital bed gasping for breath as she described the event. It was unclear if the incident was a deliberate attack on the school, though the Taliban and other conservative extremist groups in Afghanistan, who oppose girl’s education, have been known to target schoolgirls. The attack comes one day after 61 schoolgirls and one teacher from a school in neighboring Parwan province were admitted to a hospital after complaining of sudden illness. They were irritable, confused and weeping, and several of the girls passed out. Under the Taliban’s 1996-2001 regime, girls were not allowed to attend school. Though it was unclear if the recent incidents were the result of attacks, militants in the south have previously assaulted schoolgirls by spraying acid in their faces and burning down schools to protest the government. “I’m going to be scared when I go back to school. What if we die?” said a startled looking 11-year-old, Tahira, from her hospital bed. 

HuluBreitbart reported that as is sadly the case for all good things, the video website Hulu.com may well come under attack by the government, specifically in the form of antitrust action by the Obama administration. Socialism’s great horde of media apologists has begun a strong drumbeat calling for the U.S. government to go after Hulu, the immensely and increasingly successful source of online streaming media content. Cord Blomquist of the Competitive Enterprise Institute documents the socialists’ campaign for a government attack on Hulu in an excellent article at the Technology Liberation Front website. “Many media commentators are already using the kind of language we associate with past media antitrust cases,” Blomquist notes. “Hulu’s runaway success over the last year and its growing number of exclusivity agreements mean that it could see some of the added scrutiny that Mr. Obama believes is necessary in the world of media.  Of course, there are thousands of arguments as to why an actual antitrust case would lack any real merit—the availability of media in other formats such as broadcast or DVD, the number of non-exclusive deals Hulu has signed, the low barriers to entry and low costs for others to offer similar streaming video services—yet these arguments have failed to impress judges and administrations in the past.

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

Rahm Emanuel's bro, Ezekiel, health care advisor

In other news, Politico reported Monday that President Obama’s promise of changing Washington hasn’t extended to banishing the age-old practice of giving plum posts to relatives of your top supporters — as he’s done with the relatives of a half-dozen well-connected Democrats. They’re well-known names in Democratic politics — Kerry, Clyburn, Hamilton, Gregoire, Mikva and Emanuel — but have received little attention. There are federal nepotism laws barring public officials from hiring relatives in their agency or area of jurisdiction, but Obama has not instituted any specific ethics rules regarding the relatives of other prominent officials. Ethics advocates urged the president to be cautious.  No word on why Obama should be cautious about this when he spends tax dollars with reckless abandon and is casually removing post-9-11 strategy that has kept us safe for the last eight years, but, if we can figure out how we can all have marathon sex maybe we can ignore bothersome common sense stuff.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com 

Source articles:

PHELPS ‘IN MARATHON SEX ROMP’
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05102009/news/nationalnews/phelps_in_marathon_sex_romp_168587.htm

Afghan girls hospitalized in apparent poisoning
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30681708/

Hulu.com May Be Target of Antitrust Attack
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/stkarnick/2009/05/11/hulucom-may-be-target-of-antitrust-attack/

Family ties aid Obama applicants
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0509/22347.html

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Bad Economy, Good Sex; Two Weeks Until Al Qaeda goes Nuclear; Male Baseball Players use Women’s Fertility Drugs

> Recession drives stay-at-home ‘entertainment’, baby boom
> Islamic extremists two weeks from control of Pakistani nukes
> MLB player Manny Ramirez suspended for using hCG, a female fertility drug

Inebriated Press
May 11, 2009

Home entertainment

Home entertainment

USA Today reported last Thursday that bad times in the boardroom can make for good times in the bedroom. People are having sex, and a lot of it. Obstetrician’s say the recession has spawned a new baby boom as people stay at home evenings and horse around.  And Human Events reported Wednesday that General David Petraeus, commander of America’s Central Command, said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists.  Meanwhile, New York Daily News reported Thursday that Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez received a 50-game suspension from Major League Baseball (MLB) for using the banned substance, hCG, a female fertility drug also used as a poststeroid cycle treatment.  Some pundits say Manny only used women’s fertility drugs because the economy is weak and he wants to ovulate before Al Qaeda goes nuclear. 

Someone named Ashton

Someone named Ashton

“You can’t blame a guy who’s sexually confused and wants to get in on the baby boom before Al Qaeda gets the bomb and starts blowing up shit.  Manny would never take drugs to enhance his athletic ability or use women’s med’s to hide steroid use, it’s all about getting knocked up somehow,” said Ashton Blindd-Eyee, a gardener and baseball fanatic who loves illusion and smokes the stuff he grows.  “Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get home and hop in the sack with my wife.  The economy has us spending more time at home in bed together.  This recession is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Lacy, so to speak

Lacy, so to speak

Not everyone buys what Blindd-Eyee is smoking.  “Manny was getting an edge from steroids and using the fertility drugs to mask it; anyone not on mind-altering drugs understands that.  And Islamic terrorists will probably have nukes in the near future, because Obama will just have a chat and encourage them to be nice and not try to stop them.  This is hope and change?  I’m not sure this is what we signed on for,” said Lacy Mae-Maelstrom, a conservative Democrat and landscape designer, currently reconsidering her smoking choices and political party affiliation.  “It’s time the U.S. stop trying to become a western European pacifist and start behaving like a Reagan Democrat. I may want to legalize drugs and prostitution, but I also want a strong defense and tougher immigration laws so Hamas isn’t bringing nukes into the U.S. across the Mexican or Canadian border.  We’ve got to get practical about protecting ourselves as well as having a good time.  I admit the recessionary sex has been great, but it’s not changing my mind about the need for strong birth control or a strong national defense.”

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

Warriors’ against Recession Depression

USA Today reported that recession ‘entertainment’ may beget a new baby boom. It happens a lot during hurricanes and blizzards. People spend more time at home. They don’t venture out, which means they end up entertaining themselves any way they can. Now, during a struggling economy, it’s happening again. Bad times in the boardroom, it seems, can make for good times in the bedroom. Obstetrician Natalie Leibensperger knows this firsthand, judging from the recent baby boom she’s seeing. People are having sex, and a lot of it. “You’ve lost your job, or you’ve lost your house, and you’re having to cut back on everything. You’re not going to go to the movies or go out to dinner,” she says. Leibensperger has seen as many as 23 new patients in a week, all of them pregnant. More women are sitting in her waiting room these days with round bellies and lots of questions. “They’re probably having sex more, not having outside activities that they’re doing instead,” Leibensperger said. “It brings people closer together. It’s a huge stress relief for them.”  For the most part, Leibensperger says, with all the negativity that comes with a bad economy, people just want to feel good. Having sex, she said, is great for the body. It decreases depression, improves sleep and is good for overall well-being, she adds.

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Al Qaeda's dream for you and me

Human Events reported that General David Petraeus (commander of America’s Central Command, which covers all U.S. forces in the Middle East and south Asia), reportedly said Pakistan may be just two weeks from falling to Islamic extremists. Petraeus’ statement is based on current operations — the stuff reported in the press — and secret signal and human intelligence which expose the enemy’s true plans. Those secrets coupled with a disastrous set of circumstances apparently convinced Petraeus the Taliban intends to quickly consume Pakistan. Petraeus’ pessimism is understandable. Pakistan’s government has shown weakness when dealing with the Taliban, a radical Islamist enemy allied with al-Qaeda. Pakistan naively surrendered land for Taliban promises of peace that were quickly broken. Now, the insurgents are methodically transforming Pakistan into an Islamic camp. The extremists are closing on the capital and promise to continue their march until all Pakistan falls.

New owners: Taliban?

New owners: Taliban?

Pakistan is home to more than 12,000 madrassas — Islamic schools — which for more than 20 years have fed and housed hundreds of thousands of children while pushing a militant brand of Islam. Madrassas offer no instruction beyond the memorizing of the Koran, creating a widening pool of young minds that are sympathetic to militancy. Police in Punjab, Pakistan’s largest province, say more than two-thirds of suicide bombers had attended madrassas. That’s why Ibn Abduh Rehman, who directs the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan, warned “We are at the beginning of a great storm that is about to sweep the country.” Pakistan has 60-100 atomic weapons and ballistic and cruise missiles. With extremists running Islamabad, the Afghan war would expand to include Pakistan and quite likely morph into a broader regional war that includes India. It’s doubtful the U.S. and NATO will commit more forces to a Central Asian region-wide war. This could become justification to quit Afghanistan and bring our forces home and accept the consequences, such an atomic missile armed al-Qaeda. Pakistan is a bomb, the fuse is burning and as Petraeus has said, time is short.

MLB on steroidsNew York Daily News reported that Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was hit with a 50-game suspension last Thursday by Major League Baseball (MLB) after tests revealed unnatural levels of a banned substance in his body, and a subsequent MLB investigation found that he used the banned female fertility drug human chorionic gonadotrophin, or hCG. The suspension served notice to players and the public that baseball’s superstars are not immune from the penalties of its drug policy and that MLB will aggressively pursue drug cheats, well beyond positive drug tests. Under MLB’s policy, a player with a medical condition that warrants use of a banned substance can apply through MLB doctors for a temporary use exemption (TUE): Ramirez, however, does not have a “TUE.”

Some people say we should have seen this stuff coming.

Someone named Heather

Someone named Heather

“So the Taliban lied to the Pakistani’s and now want to take over their country, are you surprised by that?  And people are using the recession as an excuse to have sex more, does that amaze you?  Or how about the news that baseball players are cheating by taking illegal drugs to enhance their performance; didn’t see that coming, right?” said Heather Hott-Irony, a sensuous metal worker with common sense oozing out of her like butter in the sun, and occasionally just as sweet and sticky.  “Come on, pull your head out of your ass and get some fresh air.  You want to stop terrorists, nuke the bastards before they nuke you.  You want to stop steroid use in baseball, ban the users and erase their records.  You want to avoid pregnancy during recessionary sex, use protection.  For crying out loud, what kind of idiots have we become?  Oh that’s right, we elected a community organizer with no governing or business experience to run our f***ing country.  Shit, we have become a nation of morons — at least the 53% who voted for Obama are.  Son of a bitch.  Where’s Reagan now that we need him.  Lucky bastard’s in heaven.  If Al Qaeda gets the bomb, we’ll probably all be joining him soon.”

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

Make big money on eBay selling priceless information!

In other news, the U.K. Daily Mail reported Thursday that top secret details of a U.S. military missile air defense system were found on a second-hand hard drive bought on eBay. The test launch procedures were found on a hard disk for the THAAD (Terminal High Altitude Area Defense) ground to air missile defense system, used to shoot down Scud missiles in Iraq. The disk also contained security policies, blueprints of facilities and personal information on employees including social security numbers, belonging to technology company Lockheed Martin – who designed and built the system. British researchers found the data while studying more than 300 hard disks bought at computer auctions, computer fairs and eBay. No word on how the U.S. plans to keep terrorists from getting nukes when they can’t stop themselves from giving away top secrets, but at least the recessionary sex has been good.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Recession ‘entertainment’ may beget new baby boom
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-05-07-economy-sex_N.htm

Two Weeks Left in Pakistan
http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=31742

Dodger’s slugger Manny Ramirez gets 50-game suspension from MLB for using banned substance
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/2009/05/07/2009-05-07_source_dodgers_slugger_manny_ramirez_tests_positive_for_banned_substance.html

Computer hard drive sold on eBay ‘had details of top secret U.S. missile defense system’
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1178239/Computer-hard-drive-sold-eBay-details-secret-U-S-missile-defence-system.html

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U.S. Backs Taliban Political Party and Kangaroos Break Out of Zoo

> U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan says Taliban political party a good idea
> Kangaroos Escape from French zoo, remain at large

Inebriated Press
March 24, 2009

Kangaroos or Diplomats?

Kangaroos or Diplomats?

United Press International reported Sunday that a U.S. diplomat says the United States has sanctioned a political party for the Taliban in Afghanistan as part of a new political strategy.  And Agence France-Presse reported that 15 kangaroos escaped an Australian theme park in southern France and 3 are still on the loose.  Pundits are debating whether the three kangaroos are currently managing U.S. foreign policy, and whether that’s a bad thing.

Someone named Sandy

Someone named Sandy

“I’d never given it much thought before, but after U.S. Secretary of State Clinton told the Chinese not to worry about the U.S. Treasury Bills they owned because trillions of dollars in new debt won’t create inflation, and President Obama sent a letter to the Russians offering to drop European missile defense if they have a chat with Iran about slowing nuclear development,” I’m thinking that if the French kangaroos aren’t currently running U.S. foreign policy, they probably should be, it’d be an improvement,” said Sandy Mandy-Steelfile, an iron worker and part-time political theorist, who enjoys zoo animals but not when they’re elected to Congress.  “And Obama’s recent overture to the Iranians saying he wanted to start over diplomatically with them and they said fine, here are our crazy terms.  He’s an embarrassment.  Make the Taliban a political party now too?  What the hell, I guess the Republicans can’t beat the Democrats, maybe the Taliban will.  Is that a good thing?”

Someone named Neville with Friend

Someone named Neville with Friend

Not everyone has a problem with Obama’s foreign policy efforts.  “Look, Obama is a community organizer so he nurses grievances and then gets monetary solutions from government to solve things; that’s his experience and method of operation.  Iran, Russia, China, they already have issues, so Barack is just working his way around to a plan where he can take U.S. taxpayer funds and pay these countries whatever they want so they’ll like him and say nice things about us,” said Neville Dishpan-Fiberglass, Executive Director of the Foreign Policy Institute of Random Planning and Unusual Outcomes.  “We’ve already done some computer modeling of this approach and it’s been proven to be highly effective.  We’re not certain how the U.S. economy will generate $5 trillion dollars per year for each country that America is currently negotiating with, but we think if we increase corporate taxes to 90% and tax wealthy Americans at a 75% rate if they make over $10,000 per year, we’ll be able to make a dent in it.  But hey, peace in our time runs into money, and money makes the world go round.  Or some such bullshit.  I think that’s in the model too someplace.”

Finally some politicians who will give it to you straight

Finally some politicians who will give it to you straight

UPI reported that the United States is prepared to discuss the establishment of a political party for the Taliban in Afghanistan, a U.S. diplomat says. William Wood, the outgoing U.S. ambassador to Afghanistan, says the sanctioning of such a party is part of a political strategy to go along with beefed-up military efforts to end the seemingly intractable conflict. Wood said “insurgencies, like all wars … end when there is an agreement,” and while cautioning there was no way the United States could sanction “power-sharing or an enclave” for the Taliban, “there is room for discussion on the formation of political parties (or) running … for elections.” The ambassador said a political party would have to come along with a requirement that the Taliban would respect the Afghanistan constitution.

Caucusing for change

Caucusing for change

AFP reported that vandals set loose 15 kangaroos from an Australian theme park in southern France, sparking a major search operation, with three marsupials still on the loose. “When we arrived on Saturday morning, five pens had been broken open, their padlocks were smashed and the perimeter fence was torn in several places,” said Carole Masson, owner of the nature reserve in southwestern Carcassonne. “We had 15 missing kangaroos – it was complete panic. We found five in the park, and some more in the woods nearby. But three are still out there somewhere.” Firefighters, police and gendarmes were mobilized to track down the animals as they bounded through the woods. Masson said that a warning has gone out to local drivers for fear the animals could stray onto a nearby highway.

Some people say that wild kangaroos and U.S. government bureaucracy are America’s best hopes for economic strength and world peace.

Someone named Babbs

Someone named Babbs

“If kangaroos were in charge of foreign policy, they’d make sure that all animals would roam free and free animals are happy animals and that would make a huge difference among Iranians and Russians who want to wipe out Jews or wreck the U.S. economy,” said Babb’s Hornbottom, a professional weight-lifter and occasional postal recipient.  “And the entrenched U.S. government bureaucracy with all the lazy bureaucrats, aren’t going to get around to implementing all of Obama’s spending plans until his second term, at the earliest.  That should enable the U.S. economy to dodge some of the stupid programs Obama is rolling out and give the Republican controlled Congress a chance to fix things when they’re in power in two years.  No doubt in my mind that wild kangaroos and lethargic bureaucrats are going to bail America out.  If we can keep some guy from the Taliban Party from winning the White House in four years, we could turn this thing around yet.”

090324-husbandprojectIn other news, UPI reported Sunday that a 23-year-old British college student says she’s incorporating her hunt for a husband into a work of art called The Husband Project. Alex Humphrey says her efforts to find a spouse will form part of her degree from Leeds College of Art and Design. The project is scheduled to end in three months with Humphrey including her marriage certificate in her final art presentation, reported The Sunday Times of London. “I don’t want to wake up when I’m 30 and think: oh my God, I’m on my own,” said Humphrey, noting she is “looking for a relationship, not just a shag.” No word on how the Taliban Party feels about this approach to marriage, but reportedly three out of fifteen kangaroos say if it works, more power to her.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Taliban political party being considered
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2009/03/22/Taliban_political_party_being_considered/UPI-68201237732734/

Kangaroos escape from French zoo
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25227073-23109,00.html

Woman turns husband hunt into art project
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/03/22/Woman_turns_husband_hunt_into_art_project/UPI-87631237744791/

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