Tag Archives: Taser

Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week

> Berkeley Study says Global Warming may Result in Cooling
> Nervous Police Taser Large Toy Cat
> Chapman University Preps for Spring Undie Run

Inebriated Press
May 21, 2009

Finals week at Chapman

Finals week at Chapman

Science Daily reported Tuesday that a new study by University of California, Berkeley says global warming may include periods of cooling, but researchers are pretty sure that the cooling doesn’t actually result in cooling, but is actually warming.  And United Press International (UPI) reported Monday that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose, ended up Tasering a large toy cat apparently hiding in a cement drainpipe.  Meanwhile, the Orange County Register reported Monday that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking semi-nude in the city’s 71-year-old fountain during finals week, will allow them to run semi-nude around campus every Wednesday night.  Inebriated reporters romping around semi-nude and contemplating the counterintuitive nature of Obama’s plan to cut the national debt by quadrupling it, and how cold results in heat, and how toys are basically real, have decided that heavy drinking is the best way to avoid getting drunk.

Someone named Alicia

Someone named Alicia

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not taking any chances by ignoring the new realities and pretending that economics, nature and the first law of thermodynamics still act like they used to.  They all behave the opposite of what they did in the past, and need to be treated accordingly,” said Alicia Redd-Lace, a biped and Inebriated Press theoretician, occasionally at the same time.  “I’m going to start spending a lot more money so that my savings increase, and I’ll probably drink a couple of liters of Jack Daniels every day just to make sure that I’m always sober.  It feels a bit chilly in here right now, so I’m taking off all of my clothes.  I know it won’t make you uncomfortable, because it may have last year, but it’ll be the opposite now.”

Someone named Mary

Someone named Mary

Not everyone is so sure that cold is hot, or negative net worth equals vast wealth.  “Call me crazy, but didn’t we just go through a period where no money down and bad credit allowed people who couldn’t afford homes to buy them and that wrecked the housing market and busted the financial system?  Didn’t many of the same people who say we face the danger of global warming also say we faced the danger of global cooling and an impending ice age during the 1970’s?  I’m thinking that hot is still hot and cold is still cold and that massive debt will still cause bankruptcy, and since people haven’t been on earth a fraction of the millennia that the universe has existed, that we have no clue as to whether the earth is running in 10, 100 or 1000 year temperature cycles,” said Mary-Martha Dannce-Knightly, an arms dealer and part-time stripper down at the Busty Squirrel Club and Pet Shop.  “Now a toy animal probably needs to be Tased by cops from time to time, just to make sure that they stay in line, but beyond that, I think the basic laws of nature, economics and common sense still apply.”

Evidence of global warming

Evidence of global warming

Science Daily reported that global warming may include some periods of local cooling, according to a new study by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley. Results from satellite and ground-based sensor data show that sweltering summers can, paradoxically, lead to the temporary formation of a cooling haze. The study, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, found that when manmade pollutants mix with the natural compounds emitted from forests and vegetation during the hot summer months, they form secondary aerosols that reflect light from the sun. Such aerosols may also contribute to the formation of clouds, which also reflect sunlight. The results of this study suggest that climate models need to better account for the effects of organic aerosols, the authors said. The researchers estimated that the cooling effect from the aerosol haze over the U.S. Southeast in summer is outpacing the warming effect from carbon dioxide emissions by 2-to-1 in a negative feedback system. “The cooling effect of the organic aerosols we are reporting here are regional and temporal; they are dwarfed by the changes in the climate we are witnessing globally,” said Inez Fung, a UC Berkeley professor. “To counter all the warming effects from greenhouse gases with aerosols, levels would have to be so high that we’d have trouble breathing, and the sky would no longer appear blue.”

Don't Tase me Bro!

Don't Tase me Bro!

United Press International reported that police in Michigan responding to a report of a cougar on the loose said they ended up shooting a large toy cat with a Taser stun gun. Warren police said the 911 caller said a “huge” animal resembling “a 150-pound cat” was spotted in an old cement drainpipe in Bates Park and 10 officers were sent to the scene, WDIV-TV, Detroit, reported Monday. The officers saw the outline of the animal in the pipe and shot it with the Taser — only to discover it was a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said investigators believe the incident, which cost the department $1,000 in wasted police hours from responding to the scene and filling out paperwork, was a prank. Dwyer said the prankster could face 90 days probation and fines equivalent to the wasted police money if caught.

Undie Runners R Us

Undie Runners R Us

The Orange County Register reported that Chapman University, in an attempt to keep students from frolicking again in the city’s 71-year-old fountain, will allow students to return to campus for a foam party after Wednesday night’s traditional Undie Run. The run occurs every Wednesday night during Chapman’s finals week in the winter and spring. Students meet at Memorial Hall, strip to their underwear, run a couple of blocks to the plaza, or traffic circle, and back. For the first time, Chapman is partnering with student leaders on the Undie Run, an unsanctioned campus event that upset the mayor in the fall because students damaged the fountain. University spokeswoman Mary Platt said the loose partnership is to help avoid an incident similar to the Undie Run in December when some students climbed in and broke the 71-year-old fountain in the plaza. About 1,500 students ran that time. The university picked up a $13,000 tab to repair the fountain and for police staffing the event. The foam party is meant to lure students back to campus. The Undie Run’s origins at Chapman are fuzzy.

Some people say that the fuzzier things are, the better.

Good Scotch

Good Scotch

“In today’s world of uncertainty and challenge, it’s important that all government and personal planning is hazy, fuzzy and unclear so that everything is in accord with the inherent meaningless and randomness of nature, global warming and most of Nancy Pelosi’s statements,” said a passing gnome carrying roots and a bottle of good Scotch.  “Relativity is at the heart of physics, evolution and ethics, it only makes sense that it should also be applied to economics and the war on terror.  Nothing has any real meaning, other than what we decide it is at any one time.  Why should we think that some people or economic, or political systems should behave in a predictable or rational way; or that anything is really ‘bad’ or ‘good’.  It’s important that we build our lives on the sands of relativity and chaos.  It’s the only really natural foundation, and it’s the true character of our age.  I’d talk more, but I’ve got work to do and bills to pay.  Damn bill collectors have no concept of the importance of relativity and still expect to be paid, and to be paid on time. They’re a bunch of damn capitalist business types clinging to a bunch of ‘real world’ crap.”

That'll teach him

That'll teach him

In other news, UK’s The Sun reported on Tuesday that a man who twice beat his girlfriend got his punishment — 60 hours working out at the gym. The bizarre sentence was imposed by Judge Anthony Goldstaub QC on Richard Brown at Chelmsford Crown Court. The judge had been told of the attacks carried out by Brown, an unemployed IT worker, of Hornchurch, Essex, on his partner and mother-of-six. As part of his penalty the judge ruled Brown must attend a gym three times a week for an hour for 20 weeks as “an activity requirement”. Brown had pleaded guilty to two offences of assault causing actual bodily harm. No word on why being sentenced to go to a gym is a cure for physical abuse, but in an era where cold weather is heating the globe and trillions of dollars in spending is fixing government debt, it takes a little while for old fashioned thinkers to catch up with the new reality.  Or some such bullshit.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Global Warming May Result In Some Periods Of Cooling In Southeastern United States
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090518172442.htm

Police use Taser on fake cougar
http://www.redorbit.com/news/oddities/1690977/police_use_taser_on_fake_cougar/index.html?source=r_oddities

Old Towne: Chapman preps for spring Undie Run
http://orange.freedomblogging.com/2009/05/18/old-towne-chapman-preps-for-spring-undie-run/4111/

Sentenced to gym work out
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2437570.ece?OTC-RSS&ATTR=News

Comments Off on Global Warming may Result in Cooling, Cops Taser Toy Cat, and University plans Semi-nude Romp for Finals Week

Filed under Humor, IP News

SUV’s Running on Human Fat, Brains With Implanted Sex-Chips, and Viagra Enhanced Trees

Inebriated Press
December 29, 2008

Mr Chip Implant

Mr Chip Implant

Forbes reported last week that a Beverly Hills doctor is converting the liposuctioned fat he removes from his patients into bio-fuel for his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. And News-Australia reported last week that scientists are working on an implantable electronic “sex chip” that stimulates pleasure centres in the brain.  Meanwhile, Sweden’s The Local reported that researchers have found a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree.  Inebriated reporters say the new Obama Administration is planning to incorporate these developments into upcoming environmental and healthcare plans.

Lipo

Lipo

“One of our first initiatives will be to help obese Americans loose weight and improve their health as well as help our environment, by providing government funded liposuction for all over-weight citizens, and then converting their fat into fuel for our cars and trucks,” said Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, as he sat polishing the sole of his shoe with the soul of a Republican.  “This initiative will be a multiple win as citizens get healthier from the weight loss, we reduce demand for foreign oil by burning the renewable fuel derived from millions of obese Americans, plus we get the added benefit of creating thousands of new lipo-sucking jobs in cities all across the country. And once we put sex-pleasure brain implants into all Americans of voting age that are triggered by president Obama’s voice, he’ll rule the country until the day he dies, and that will ensure that we’ll be able to put all of our important initiatives in place.  Its change we can all believe in and quiver with joy and newfound thinness about.  You can’t beat it.”

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin

Not everyone agrees with Emanuel.  “Building America’s future energy dependence on the waists and thighs of Americans may seem like a good idea at first glance, but in reality, it will cost too much to refine the body fat into fuel in volumes enough to power our nation’s transportation system,” said Governor Sarah Palin, a grass-roots common-sense styled Republican who is naturally out of favor with liberals and Democrat and Republican elites and most other people who want government that isn’t of the people, by the people or for the people. “Renewable fuel has its place and so does Viagra, as do brain implants that treat symptoms like Parkinson’s disease. But we need to be careful when sticking electrodes into our heads for stimulating pleasure or erectile drugs into growing trees.  Some unnatural things can be harmful — like claiming that creating bigger government by hiring more people is a beneficial jobs program.  Eventually someone — usually the taxpayers — have to pay for it.  And that hurts the economy because they’re the only people creating real value as derived from the marketplace.  We better think hard about this stuff and not just do it because it sounds cool and then hope for the best.”

Ford SUV

Ford SUV

Forbes reported that liposuctioning unwanted blubber out of pampered Los Angelenos may not seem like a dream job, but it has its perks. Free fuel is one of them. For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator. Love handles can power a car? Frighteningly, yes. Fat–whether animal or vegetable–contains triglycerides that can be extracted and turned into diesel. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department. Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.

081230-brain-implantsAustralia’s News.com.au reported that scientists are working on an electronic “sex chip” that will be able to stimulate pleasure centres in the brain. The prospect of the chip is emerging from progress in deep brain stimulation, in which tiny shocks from implanted electrodes are given to the brain. It has already been used to treat symptoms of Parkinson’s disease. In recent months, scientists have been focusing on an area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex. Stimulating this area can produce pleasure. Tipu Aziz, a professor of neurosurgery at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford, predicted a significant breakthrough in the science behind a “sex chip” within 10 years. By 2015, he predicts, micro-computers in the brain with a range of applications could be self-powered and controlled by hand-held transmitters. 

Spruce

Spruce

The Local reported that Swedish researchers have found that a common erectile dysfunction aid also has an enhancing effect on the common spruce tree. For a recent project, researchers in Umeå in northern Sweden from the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences (SLU) concocted a potent fertilizer featuring arginine, a common amino acid known for its power to improve sperm production and blood circulation in the sex organs. Forestry professor Torgny Näsholm then added the mixture to the soil around several young spruce trees and measured the effects. Näsholm discovered that trees which grew in soil laden with the performance enhancing fertilizer developed stronger root systems than other spruce trees. In essence it boosted the tree roots’ “virility.”

Some people say that virility and not body fat or brain implants are the key to the future. 

081230_kathy_ireland“Anything can be artificially enhanced by adding stimulants, or chemicals, or by chopping off stuff we don’t want — like fatty deposits.  But if you aren’t naturally virile as the result of diet and exercise and have usable energy sources like oil, coal and gas deposits in addition to renewable fuels, all you have is fake health and fake energy security,” said Kathy Irelandski, a philosophy major and northern European babe whose natural resources are lusted after by men everywhere.  “A healthy society and healthy economy require hard work, strong character, personal responsibility and strong adherence to common sense and practicality.  Bailouts, handouts and citizens and companies who all think they’re victims and need the government to provide for them, represents a country in decline.  America was built by people who came to this continent to take risks and build a future based on freedom and opportunity.  Western European welfare and tolerance for radical Muslims is not what made this country great for two hundred years and it won’t make us great in the future.  We the people had better pull our collective heads out of our asses, roll up our sleeves, and go to work and fix this America ourselves.  No government has ever fixed anything.”

Taser

Taser

In other news, Florida Freedom Newspapers reported last week that a Beach police officer tased a naked woman after responding to a complaint of a disturbance along Front Beach Road on Saturday. Just after midnight Saturday morning, a Bay County Sheriff’s deputy responding to a complaint of a verbal disturbance saw a woman leaving an apartment wearing no clothes. She started walking toward him, and he told her to stop. The woman kept approaching the officer, according to the report, which says the officer then “deployed his taser into” the woman. The report says the woman “remained on the front porch without further incident” once she had been tased. No word on why the woman did what she did or whether she had brain sex-pleasure implants or fuel laden hips, but she was apparently plenty virile.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Fill ‘Er Up With Human Fat
http://www.forbes.com/technology/2008/12/21/fat-fuel-biodiesel-tech-sciences-cz_pcb_1222fatfuel.html?feed=rss_technology

‘Sex chip’ will have us wired, Oxford University researcher Morten Kringelbach says
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24832642-36398,00.html

Erectile aid found to enhance spruce tree roots
http://www.thelocal.se/16490/

Naked woman tased by police officer
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/woman_13677___article.html/officer_beach.html

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Filed under Humor, IP News