Tag Archives: taxes

NASA says Sun Causes Global Warming, Microsoft says Obama Tax Plan Will Cause Global Relocation; and Judge Rules Party Girl Can Go Out Saturday Nights

> New NASA study shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
> Microsoft CEO talks offshore move over Obama Tax Scheme
> Girl Guilty of Assault at Party gets Saturdays Off from Curfew

Inebriated Press
June 9, 2009

Party girl, or realist?

Party girl, or realist?

The Dakota Voice reported Friday that a new NASA study has determined that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate, and evidence for climate change based on the sun can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution.  And Bloomberg reported Wednesday that Microsoft CEO Steven Ballmer said they will move employees offshore if Congress enacts Obama’s plan to put higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits.  Meanwhile, United Press International (UPI) reported on Friday that a judge sentenced a 19-year old girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party.  Pundits are debating the existence of “cause and effect” during the new era of Obamanomic relativism built on “hope and change”.

Someone named Penelope

Someone named Penelope

“Old school ‘forces of nature’ are irrelevant in this new age of economic and moral relativism, and just going with the flow of ethereal thought, government spending and passivism toward countries like Iran and North Korea as well as organizations like Al Qaeda and Hamas, is the way to find peace and happiness.  Obama’s new socialist America will make all of our dreams come true.  Besides, resistance is futile,” said Penelope Psyborg-Pusch, an amateur rocket scientist and part-time stripper at the Blonde Heifer Lounge and Waffle House.  “NASA is being silly about the sun, everyone knows that humans impact the earth’s temperature more than solar power, Al Gore proved that when he said it was so.  And no company will really relocate from the U.S. just because the Obama tax plan will take more of their profits and redistribute them to liberal voters.  Such talk by a company CEO is just bluster.  Now the girl who assaulted people at parties, she should be able to still go to parties, so that judge who said she needed to stay home weeknights but not weekends was right on.  No one should really be held responsible for their behavior as though their actions caused something.  The whole cause and effect theory is behind us now, and no longer relevant.  Obama is the new master of the economic world, as well as the physical world and time and space.  The quicker we realize that, the happier we’ll all be.  I wonder why my foot hurts.  A car ran over it earlier today but that couldn’t be the cause.  It’s just some random bodily event I suppose.  Like my period.”

Someone named Linda

Someone named Linda

Not everyone agrees with Psyborg-Pusch.  “Anyone can say that natural laws no longer exist and deny them if they want, but it doesn’t make them go away.  Pretending we impact the planet more that the celestial bodies around us, or that over-taxed companies won’t react to preserve themselves by abandoning the country they were founded in, is wrong not to mention it’s the height of arrogance.  The sun impacts the earth more than a few thousand SUV’s and Obama’s tax plans will cause the relocation of U.S. corporations to countries that are more tax friendly.  Cause and effect lives on,” said Linda Staiefree-Powers, a former pacifist-atheist who turned to god and guns after the Obama election.  “And if you think Obama’s massive spending won’t result in inflation and that the huge debt won’t crush the U.S. economically and even militarily, you’re dreaming.  The arrogance of some people astonishes me.  Socialism has never worked before, why will the Obama version be successful?  And some people think that with a few hundred years of data we can actually ‘know’ that you and I are changing the earth’s temperature and it’s not part of a thousand year cycle?  We think we alone exist in time and space that that no beings besides us exist in other dimensions that we can’t see?  In our little time crawling around on this planet we believe we’ve figured out that there are no gods and that relative ethics are humankind’s best hope for peace and harmony?  Our arrogance is truly amazing.  We know we understand more of the universe today than humans a thousand years ago, but we discount that humans a thousand years from now will know more than us.  And we think we have everything figured out.  Morons.  Will we refuse to learn from economic history, and deny the natural law inside our consciences as evidence that we came from more than dirt?  We lapse between belief that we’re animals or gods.  We’re both.  But too often we act like devils and behave dumber than cats.”

Global WarmingThe Dakota Voice reported that we have still more evidence that any warming occurring on planet earth is coming from natural sources and is cyclic in nature–NOT from the evil capitalism that Al Gore, the UN politicians at the IPCC and other socialists love to blame. A new study from NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland looking at climate data over the past century has concluded that solar variation has made a significant impact on the Earth’s climate. The report concludes that evidence for climate changes based on solar radiation can be traced back as far as the Industrial Revolution. Past research has shown that the sun goes through eleven year cycles. At the cycle’s peak, solar activity occurring near sunspots is particularly intense, basking the Earth in solar heat. According to Robert Cahalan, a climatologist at the Goddard Space Flight Center, “Right now, we are in between major ice ages, in a period that has been called the Holocene.”

global warmingSolar activity is increasing, and we are coming out of the “Little Ice Age” of just a few hundred years ago. Of course the planet is warming–we’re coming out of a cold spell! The Maunder Minimum period of diminished solar activity coincided with the Little Ice Age when Europe and North America experienced bitterly cold winters. About 1,000 years ago, Greenland was warm enough for the Vikings to colonize and grow vineyards.  Today Greenland is almost entirely covered in ice.  Tell me: is the earth warmer today than it was 1,000 years ago?  Did they have SUVs and coal power plants in the days of the Vikings?  This isn’t tough to figure out, people. The only thing tough about the global warming debate is trying to get the facts to match the socialist agenda of the global warming proponents.  Try as they might, they just can’t do it, and more and more people are starting to see that.

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Silly businessman who thinks taxes will cost his shareholders

Bloomberg reported that Microsoft Corp. Chief Executive Officer Steven Ballmer said the world’s largest software company would move some employees offshore if Congress enacts President Barack Obama’s plans to impose higher taxes on U.S. companies’ foreign profits. “It makes U.S. jobs more expensive,” Ballmer said in an interview. “We’re better off taking lots of people and moving them out of the U.S. as opposed to keeping them inside the U.S.” Obama on May 4 proposed outlawing or restricting about $190 billion in tax breaks for offshore companies over the next decade. Such business groups as the National Foreign Trade Council, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the Business Roundtable have denounced the proposed overhaul. U.S. tax rules let companies defer paying corporate rates as high as 35 percent on most types of foreign profits as long as that money remains invested overseas. Obama says he wants to end such incentives to keep foreign profits tax-deferred so that companies would invest them in the U.S.  Ballmer said that, while the Obama proposals would preserve expense deductions related to research and experimentation costs, the overall deduction limits for companies that defer tax on foreign profits would raise the cost of employing U.S. workers. Fiduciary responsibility to shareholders would require Microsoft to cut costs, he said, meaning many jobs would be moved out of the country. Ballmer estimated that higher taxes under the proposal would reduce profits for companies that comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average by between 10 and 15 percentage points. “It’s just a question of how much will the Dow come down,” Ballmer said. “It’s not about companies anyway; we’re talking about shareholders.”

Just some party girl

Just some party girl

UPI reported that a judge in England sentenced a teenage girl to stay home every night of the week but Saturday for an assault she committed at a party. Judge William Hart told Lisa Partington, 19, she had a curfew from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. every day for the next two months — except Saturdays. “I give you one day off a week because it is summer and I don’t think it is necessarily in your interests for you to be confined to your home every evening of the week for the next two months,” the judge was quoted by the newspaper as saying. Partington had admitted assaulting Kimberley Moxham at a party in September.

IRS version of Flat TaxIn other news, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would like to see “radical” proposals come out of a commission now studying an overhaul of the state’s tax system, like “a 15% straight tax.” The current system, based on highly unstable income tax revenue that fluctuates with the economy, “doesn’t work,” Schwarzenegger said. Advocates of a flat tax, which applies a single tax rate to all income, say it increases compliance with the tax codes because it is so simple and easy to understand. But opponents dislike that it taxes the wealthy at the same rates as the poor.  No word on why these people don’t understand that the poor don’t pay income taxes, and that a flat tax is inherently fair, but then in a world where cause and effect no longer is in vogue and relative economics and ethics prevail, I should be getting used to this kind of insanity.  It’s no longer about common sense; it’s about “hope and change”.  As defined by the Obama minions. 

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 
Source articles:

NASA Study Shows Sun Responsible for Planet Warming
http://www.dakotavoice.com/2009/06/nasa-study-shows-sun-responsible-for-planet-warming/

Ballmer Says Tax Would Move Microsoft Jobs Offshore
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=amBiYGyHOkZ8

Judge gives girl Saturdays off from curfew
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/06/05/Judge-gives-girl-Saturdays-off-from-curfew/UPI-38781244249132/

Schwarzenegger suggests state consider flat tax
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/06/flat-tax.html

Comments Off on NASA says Sun Causes Global Warming, Microsoft says Obama Tax Plan Will Cause Global Relocation; and Judge Rules Party Girl Can Go Out Saturday Nights

Filed under Humor, IP News

Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

> Time to Legalize (and tax) Drugs, Prostitution, and Gambling
> The Outsized Male a Cut Above the Rest
> XXX Cures Better Than Rx Does

Inebriated Press
May 26, 2009

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Obama Stimulus 2.0

Reason Online reported last week that the Obama administration wants to encourage treatment of drug addicts rather than putting them in jail for breaking the law. Nick Gillespie says he has a better idea: Legalize drugs, gambling and prostitution, then tax sales of them, and fill the federal and state government’s coffers. And the UK Daily Express reported last week that as far as Kate Mulvey is concerned, the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. Her view of the perfect sized guy: James Gandolfini of HBO’s ‘Sopranos’ big. A balding fat bloke who struts around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. Meanwhile, Newsweek Magazine reported last week that makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. In studies, monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone.  Porn can do what medication does; maybe even do it better.  Visionaries contemplating taxes and testosterone, see a new ‘Las Vegas style’ healthcare program emanating from D.C. capable of ending the national debt and restoring sexual vitality — especially to big boys — all across America.

Some brawny dude

Some brawny dude

“When Obama’s new national healthcare initiative legalizes drugs, prostitution and gambling — for the health benefits — and then taxes them, not only will American’s have better attitudes and be happier and healthier, but state and federal governments will also generate billions of dollars in new tax revenue.  Big guys will have higher levels of testosterone and be appreciated by women who’ve given up on the scrawny metrosexual types, and want real men who take up space and are noticed when they hug the people they love,” said Brawny Beeff-Mann, a fry cook and pork aficionado who likes food and sex but not always in that order.  “I can hardly wait to deduct my porn subscriptions, marijuana purchases and hooker ‘appointments’ as medical costs on my IRS forms.  And the cool thing is, that even though this will constitute new middle class tax cuts, these new legal products and services will be generating so many new dollars in tax revenue, that it will more than offset my lower tax payments to the government. It’s win-win all around.  I’d like to talk more but I’ve got an appointment with a healthcare provider at the Bunny Ranch.  Got to keep in tip-top shape you know.”

Someone named Sheri

Someone named Sheri

Not everyone agrees with Beeff-Mann.  “The legalization of these vices would exacerbate the current trend toward ethical degradation that is already plaguing society and resulting in high levels of crime, disease, and both social and economic costs.  Legalizing these forms of immorality would simply spread disease and emotional costs to more individuals and would dwarf any attempt to ‘tax our way to prosperity’ no matter how well intentioned,” said Sheri Cheri-Koke, director of the Ethical Swamp & Moral Minority Club, and a sweet delight to those who know and love her.  “I don’t consider myself a prude, but do you really think that legalized drugs will make people healthier, or that legalized gambling is going to make the country happier?  And I’ve yet to see legalized hooking make a better, brighter and happier populace in total.  Typically illegal prostitution ends up being replaced by an increase in illegal kiddy porn and human trafficking.  Unless we plan to legalize and tax those too.  Some slippery slopes can never be walked on safely and should never be attempted.”

War on drugs or War for drugs?

War on drugs or War for drugs?

Reason Online reported that the Obama administration’s drug czar made news recently by saying he wanted to end all loose talk about a “war on drugs.” “We’re not at war with people in this country,” said the czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who favors forcing people into treatment programs rather than jail cells.  Nick Gillespie says here’s a better idea—and one that will help the federal and state governments fill their coffers: Legalize drugs and then tax sales of them. And while we’re at it, welcome all forms of gambling (rather than just the few currently and arbitrarily allowed) and let prostitution go legit too. All of these vices, involving billions of dollars and consenting adults, already take place. They just take place beyond the taxman’s reach. Legalizing the world’s oldest profession probably wasn’t what Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, meant when he said that we should never allow a crisis to go to waste. But turning America into a Sin City on a Hill could help President Obama pay for his ambitious plans to overhaul health care, invest in green energy, and create gee-whiz trains that whisk “through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour.” More taxed vices would certainly lead to significant new revenue streams at every level. That’s one of the reasons 52 percent of voters in a recent Zogby poll said they support legalizing, taxing and regulating the growth and sale of marijuana. Similar cases could be made for prostitution and all forms of gambling.

Gandolfini

Gandolfini

Daily Express reported that Kate Mulvey says the size of a romantic male template matters to her, and hers is 6ft tall and fat. As far as she is concerned the outsized male (OM) is the last of the real men. More bulk than beauty, the OM has shoulders like the QE2, hands like JCB diggers and a stomach more medicine ball than six-pack. The rippled torso of Tom Cruise or the snake-hipped charm of Leonardo DiCaprio are not for her. Kate says give her belly in the bedroom any day. And she’s not advocating a taste for lovable little podgers. A roly-poly fat man with sausage fingers and an unmuscled body is far from attractive. When she says big she means James Gandolfini big. Remember him in the American TV soap The Sopranos? He was the balding fat bloke who strutted around half naked with his generous stomach hanging out, eating and giving orders with equal gusto. These men – think Gérard Depardieu, Michael Madsen and Ray Winstone – are a heady mixture of tough dominance and avuncular reassurance that ultimately is more thrilling than your wimpy, moisturized metrosexual. Mulvey says there is something wonderfully comforting about resting your head on a chest the size of a small country. The OM is simply a cut above the rest.

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Hey Guys, Your Low-T is Getting Fixed, Right Now!

Newsweek reported that the makers of a testosterone supplement are launching a national campaign touting the youth-enhancing benefits of their product. But there may be a cheaper, less clinical solution to low hormone levels. Porn or prescriptions? It hardly sounds likes a typical fork in the road. But it’s the choice that middle-aged American males apparently may face if they suffer from symptoms of low testosterone—as around five million men do, a figure that seems to be growing along with male girths, diabetes and the aging boomer generation. The case for pornography derives from research showing that adult fare can help restore a sapped male mojo. Monkeys that see sexually active females register as much as a 400 percent jump in testosterone (nature’s own performance-enhancing drug) promoting lean muscle and quick recovery times, according to the Yerkes Center for Primate Research at Emory University. In humans, German researchers have found that just having an erection is enough to spur testosterone levels. It makes no difference whether a man is watching sex on a screen or having it in real life, his testosterone levels will go up. Just having an erection, in fact, is enough to spur production.

By prescription only

By prescription only

Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the “captivity situation”-her term for married with kids-“go on the Internet and look at porn” as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. “[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone,” she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down. Competing with your Playboy subscription, however, are prescription drugs-including the futuristic sounding AndroGel, a testosterone foam that hormone-challenged men have been rubbing on their bodies for almost a decade. More than 10 million prescriptions have been filled in that time, and now the maker, Solvay Pharmaceuticals, is trying to raise its legal steroid to a Viagra-level of visibility, making “Low T” as recognizable a phrase as “E.D.”

So what’s a guy to do? Perhaps nothing. Testosterone loss is a natural part of aging. Most men lose about 1 percent of their supply annually starting at age 30, more if they are obese, diabetic, a binge drinker, a vegetarian, a yo-yo dieter or have a pituitary-gland disorder. It’s unlikely that the porn industry will begin a marketing campaign touting the hormone-replacement benefits of their products, though there is some chance that doctors could start recommending regular porn to their testosterone-challenged patients.

Some people say that the combination of a high red-meat and hot-sex diet have always been key to perpetuating the species.

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

This and a free market can do wonders for the economy

“If you think that metrosexual vegetarians are going to sustain a countries population base and social and economic strength, you’re out of your mind,” said someone claiming to be in their mind.  “Only red meat eating, sex loving guys with a dose of common sense and a high appreciation for free market capitalism can provide a solid base for a countries strength.  And that’s true regardless of whether you legalize and tax prostitution, gambling and drugs.  In the end, it’s all about the people.  I wonder what the studies about women will say — besides some of them liking plus-sized dudes.  I’ll bet the tree-hugging veggie eating women can’t sustain shit either.  Good thing there are some solid red-blooded meat-eating chicks that are smart, hot looking and give a shit about building the free market.  We can remake America the right way if we can start hooking these men and women up.”

Now we’re talking a real stimulus plan.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source documents:

Paying With Our Sins
http://reason.com/news/show/133598.html

WHY I LOVE LARGER MEN
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/102458/Why-I-love-larger-men

Rx vs. XXX
http://www.newsweek.com/id/198512?from=rss

BunnyRanch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BunnyRanch_Two

Comments Off on Legalized Vice to Lift Tax Burden; Outsized Male the Last of the Real Men; and Porn Cures Medical Condition

Filed under Humor, IP News

Legalizing Marijuana for Tax Money, Obama Endangering America, and More Soldiers Getting Knocked Up

> California Government Broke, May Legalize Marijuana for New Tax Revenue
> Former U.S. V.P. says Terrorist attack more likely under Obama administration
> Growing Number of Servicewomen Getting Pregnant

Inebriated Press
May 12, 2009

At least it's not Crack!

At least it's not Crack!

The Christian Science Monitor reported Friday that California government officials say it is time to consider decriminalizing marijuana and imposing big revenue-generating state taxes on it.  And Sunday, The Washington Times reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney said that the Obama administrations dismantling of many of the policies and protections instituted by the Bush administration after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, makes the country more vulnerable to another attack.  Meanwhile, the UK Daily Star reported Sunday that Britain will not allow pregnant servicewomen to serve in areas of “danger” and that at least 133 Brit service women have been sent home from Afghanistan and Iraq after getting pregnant. Others are becoming pregnant in Britain so they can’t be shipped to serve in other countries or at sea. Some people say, you do whatever it takes to get what you want in the short-term, regardless the long-term risk.

Someone named Emma

Someone named Emma

“It’s about now, everything really is, and you can’t do anything in the future if you’re killed in Iraq anyway, so get knocked up and stay home, you can always dump the kid in an orphanage.  And the key to fixing California’s budget crisis now is to legalize drugs – addictive ones are the best – and then tax them like crazy, we can always get the federal government to fund an anti-drug program later,” said Emma Hipflex-Microfibre, a geneticist and part-time dancer down at the Twist and Shout DNA Lounge.  “As far as Obama dismantling anti-terrorism strategies, prosecuting CIA officials for protecting the country and all of that; well, like he said, he won the election so he can do what he wants.  It’s an extension of his apology tour and shows that when he said there was no war against terror and that there were merely some people in other countries dissatisfied with America, that he actually believes that.  He’s got a 90% approval rating among Democrats and that’s his base.  Also the Arab’s like him better than Bush, and that’s important to him.  Who cares that only 17% of Republicans like him and that business is afraid of him.  If the U.S. is attacked again it’ll probably be a bunch of American’s at work like last time, and most of them are Republicans or conservatives anyway.  Obama’s got nothing to lose.”

Someone named Adriana

Someone named Adriana

Not everyone agrees with Hipflex-Microfibre.  “Near-term considerations are important, yes, but you can’t ignore the long-term ramifications of decisions being made today.  That’s true whether it’s Obama setting the stage today for a terrorist debacle tomorrow, the legalization of drugs today so governments are addicted to the tax revenue and end up drug pushers tomorrow, and a military force that appears the proper size today, but is suddenly slashed when a chunk of the soldiers are voluntarily knocked up and out of commission tomorrow.  We can’t afford to behave like this,” said Adriana Nodoze-Spasm, an aluminum welder and part-time medium who twitches a lot and hasn’t slept since Obama’s inauguration due to the visions she’s been having.  “I’m a hell of a welder and can stick together most metals under almost any condition, but I can’t weld that kind of logic into a solid piece of rationality that is structurally sound.  I’m not saying that some of this crap won’t work near-term, but it’s the long-term that has me concerned.  And I eat right, work out and stay in shape, so I’m planning to be around in the long-term.  We’ve got to think smarter about this shit.”

Do it, Smoke it, Tax it

Do it, Smoke it, Tax it

The Christian Science Monitor reported that California’s governor said it was time to debate legalizing marijuana, and a new nationwide poll suggests a majority of voters favor decriminalizing the drug. California Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, (D) from San Francisco, has proposed legislation to begin treating marijuana like alcohol – giving anyone over 21 the right to use it but taxing it heavily. Taxing marijuana, supporters of Mr. Ammiano’s bill say, could bring the cash-strapped state $1.3 billion annually. Already the state collects about $18 million annually from medical marijuana. In a poll released last Wednesday by Zogby International, 52 percent of voters said they would support legalizing, taxing, and regulating marijuana use. According to the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA), marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug in the country. “It’s hard to say that using marijuana will ruin your life when the last three American presidents are admitted marijuana users,” said Paul Armentano, deputy director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML).

Don't worry, Obama has things under control

Don't worry, Obama has things under control

The Washington Times reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday said that the country is more vulnerable to a potential terrorist attack since the Obama administration took power. Mr. Cheney said that administration’s dismantling of many of the policies and protections instituted by President George W. Bush after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks — including the planned closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba and halting controversial prisoner interrogation techniques — have made the country more vulnerable to future attacks. “That’s my belief,” Mr. Cheney said on CBS’ “Face the Nation.” “I think to the extent that those [Bush-era] policies were responsible for saving lives, that the administration is now trying to cancel those policies … means in the future we’re not going to have the same safeguards we’ve had for the last eight years.”

New tactics for a new world

New tactics for a new world

The former vice president defended controversial interrogation techniques such as waterboarding, saying that it had been an effective tool in extracting useful information from suspected terrorists such as Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who is accused of helping carry out the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks Washington and New York. “He did not cooperate fully in terms of interrogations until after waterboarding,” Mr. Cheney said. “Once we went through that process, he produced vast quantities of invaluable information about al Qaida.” Mr. Obama in January banned the practice on prisoners by U.S. interrogators. Mr. Cheney said he believes it’s his duty to speak out against the Obama administration “because I think the issues that are at stake here are so important.”

Hard men are good to find, or something like that

Hard men are good to find, or something like that

The Daily Star reported that at least 133 Brit servicewomen have been sent home from Afghanistan and Iraq after getting pregnant. 102 of British servicewomen returned early from Iraq between January 1, 2003 and February 28 of this year because they were expecting. And at least 31 female squaddies were flown home from Afghanistan for the same reason. Some are becoming pregnant before leaving Britain and others while on their mid-tour two-week rest and recuperation break. Many will have conceived by romping while on operations – potentially breaking forces’ rules. Pregnant women cannot be sent to Iraq or Afghanistan, nor can they go to sea in the Royal Navy. The shocking numbers were released by the Ministry of Defence (MoD) after a Freedom of Information request by the Daily Star Sunday. An MoD spokesman said: “All our forces are expected to behave within the Armed Forces Code of Conduct. If women become or discover they are pregnant on operations they are returned to the UK at the first  opportunity for their own wellbeing and to preserve  effectiveness.” Sex between servicemen and women in Iraq or Afghanistan could lead to misconduct charges if it caused a drop in military efficiency. Some observers say sex on tour cannot be stopped.

Others say sex plus violence is the biggest rush of all.

Babe without babe, some just soldier on

Babe without babe, some just soldier on

“You will never separate sex and violence, and that’s true whether it’s in the movies or on the battlefield.  They go together like adrenaline, testosterone and estrogen — it’s the bodies minefield and procreation system all lumped together, the way nature intended,” said a passing soldier and part-time healthcare philosopher who volunteered for duty in Iraq five years ago, and volunteers for duty daily to help female soldiers get knocked up.  “Until you’ve survived battlefield conditions fighting side by side and then get tucked in together safely in a quiet place in the peace that falls after the fight, you have no idea what sex can really be like.  It’s a whole new level of orgasm.  Live hard, fight hard, screw hard. That’s what I say, and to those babes who sign up for a piece of that, I say hooah and let’s saddle up!”

In other news, The Arizona Republic reported Saturday that the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) launched a hiring push in January and is still looking for employees. Phoenix spokesman Manuel Johnson said the organization considers all kinds of candidates for positions ranging from administrative to managerial, technical and lab work. Accountants, engineers, lawyers and scientists are among the most sought-after candidates. There are only about 12,500 in the world, and the agency usually hires between 800 and 1,000 nationally every fiscal year, Johnson said. Depending on the region to which they are assigned, new agents can take home between $61,100 and $69,900 annually. No word on how they feel about legalizing marijuana, dumbing down America’s terrorist defense system or how many FBI agents get knocked up each year, but if you’re looking to stay in the U.S. and bust some crooks, you may be the person they’re looking for.  Hooah and go saddle up!

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

 

Source articles:

A marijuana tax as the next new revenue stream?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20090508/ts_csm/apot

Cheney: Obama endangers the nation
http://washingtontimes.com/news/2009/may/10/cheney-says-obama-endangers-nation/

ARMY GIRLS CAUGHT IN BATTLE OF THE BULGE
http://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/view/80115/Army-girls-caught-in-battle-of-the-bulge/

Do you have what it takes to join the FBI?
http://www.azcentral.com/business/articles/2009/05/08/20090508biz-fbi0509.html?&wired

Comments Off on Legalizing Marijuana for Tax Money, Obama Endangering America, and More Soldiers Getting Knocked Up

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China Demands Citizens Smoke, Van Gogh Lost Ear over Hooker, and McDonald’s Happy Meal Condom Giveaway

> Chinese Government to Fine Citizens if Cigarette Smoking Target not Met
> German Historians Discover Van Gogh’s Ear Cut Off in Fight over Prostitute
> 7-Year-Old Girl Finds Condom in McDonald’s Happy Meal

Inebriated Press
May 6, 2009

Making quota for the good of the State

Making quota for the good of the State

Agence France-Press reported Monday that officials in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million cigarettes this year.  If they fail to meet the target they’ll be fined. And the Daily Mail reported Tuesday that German historians have completed a 10-year study and determined that Van Gogh’s ear was cut off by a friend of his with whom he was having a dispute over a hooker.  Meanwhile, Associated Press reported Monday that police are investigating a 7-year old girl’s discovery of a condom in her McDonald’s Happy Meal.  Pundits are debating the risks and benefits of smoking cigarettes, fighting over hookers and a condom distribution system using Happy Meals.

Some kinda Hapi

Some kinda Hapi

“Any time you can get condoms or other forms of birth control to children at any age, it’s a benefit because it’ll reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancy.  In fact looking over the data on child pregnancy shows that since the news broke of the McDonald Happy Meal Condom Giveaway, 7-year old girls have reported zero pregnancies,” said Hapi Nuttcase, an intellectual giant and part time ACORN executive.  “Now if we can increase smoking in the U.S. it will add tax revenue that we need to help fund other health initiatives.  I’m lobbying cigarette manufacturers now to increase the amount of nicotine in cig’s so that they’re more addictive.  It’s an important key to a strong economy.  As far as loosing an ear over a hooker goes, it depends on how good the hooker is and why the guys couldn’t take turns.  It’s too bad Barack wasn’t there to help them work out a quota system so both artists could routinely get screwed without losing body parts.  Still, it’s to our benefit that he’s here now and is carefully managing the federal government’s screwing process of Americans.  For the first time in my life I’m proud of this country.  I guess I’ve got that in common with Michelle.”

Rhapsody, three times

Rhapsody, three times

Not everyone thinks the way Nuttcase does.  “It’s wrong to tax people for addictive habits, and that’s true whether you’re in China, the U.S. or someplace else.  It’s coercive and immoral.  If what they’re doing is really wrong, then make a law to ban it, otherwise, let them alone,” said Rhapsody Inblu, a sensual musician with classic beauty and uncommon common sense.  “And there isn’t a hooker in the world worth fighting over, no matter their looks or level of experience.  I mean ultimately an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.  I suppose the path to getting there is the deal, but good as that might be, chopping an ear off instead of waiting in line is a bit drastic.  As far as condoms in Happy Meals go, what the hell, we put fluoride in our water.  Next it’ll be Lipitor and Viagra.  We’d have it already if it was up to the drug companies.  I can see a Pfizer-McDonald’s co-branding deal in the future.  And Happy Meal’s for adults with sex toys is probably the follow up.  With a name like ‘Happy Meal’ the possibilities are endless.”

Smoking Babe, or Babe Smoking. You make the call.

Smoking Babe, or Babe Smoking. You make the call.

Agence France-Press reported that officials in a county in central China have been told to smoke nearly a quarter million packs of locally made cigarettes annually or risk being fined, state media reports. The Gong’an county government in Hubei province has ordered its staff to puff their way through 230,000 packs of Hubei-produced cigarette brands a year. Departments that fail to meet their targets will be fined, according to the report. “The regulation will boost the local economy via the cigarette tax,” said Chen Nianzu, a member of the Gong’an cigarette market supervision team. China has 350 million smokers, of whom a million die of smoking-related diseases every year. More than half of all male doctors in China smoke.

Worth cutting an ear off over?

Worth cutting an ear off over?

The Daily Mail reported that history has always painted Vincent Van Gogh as the artist who cut off his ear. But according to researchers, history might have got the wrong man. They believe that, in fact, it was Paul Gauguin, an artist of almost equal renown, who cut off his friend’s ear. And the injury wasn’t inflicted for the sake of art – rather it was part of a feud over a prostitute. This theory is the masterpiece of German historians who have pored over the evidence for ten years. They believe the story about the self-inflicted wound was invented by the sword-wielding Gauguin just to protect himself. What is not disputed is that Van Gogh lost his ear when the two artists were living in the South of France in December 1888. The two were known to fight about art. Van Gogh believed an artist should paint what he saw, while Gauguin painted according to his memory. But on this occasion, they were fighting over a prostitute named Rachel, outside the brothel where she worked, the historians say. The academics say the accepted theory that Van Gogh cut off his own ear is based entirely on Gauguin’s story. Van Gogh never talked about it.

Fast food, fast sex ... now in child sized portions

Fast food, fast sex ... now in child sized portions

Associated Press reported that Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl’s discovery of a condom in her McDonald’s Happy Meal. Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries. Police said Monday they were investigating where the condom came from and how it got into the Happy Meal. They said an analysis was being done to determine if the condom posed a health risk. McDonald’s in Switzerland declined to comment because of the ongoing investigation.

Some say all-the-world’s a screwed up Happy Meal.

Nymph pausing in the cascade of time

Nymph pausing in the cascade of time

“There are so many sensual possibilities — involving taste, touch, sight, sound and smell — on the earth; not to mention the ‘great ideas’ of love, freedom, justice, beauty and truth.  Add to that exploration, science and philosophy, plus historical knowledge on civics and government learned through cause and effect.  And we have the resources, data and knowledge to create utopia, but look at the bullshit humankind has wrought,” said a playful nymph in an un-playful moment during a pause in the cascade of time.  “We have the stuff that dreams are made of, and instead of creating the dream we divine a nightmare — with dirty condoms in our Happy Meals, Socialists in the White House, and taxes on addictive and non-addictive habits.  Missing too, are the days when men would cut each other’s ears off over great sex.  Ah yes, we’ve even lost the pleasures of a simpler time.”

Googles' GoatIn other news, FOX reported Monday that last week Google brought in a herd of goats to mow the grass on its Mountain View, Calif. headquarters rather than using lawnmowers. The company said that it wanted to take a more “low-carbon” approach with the goats reducing the company’s contribution to air and noise pollution. The cost of hiring the 200-some goats is about the same price as mowing, but the goats were “a lot cuter to watch.” Turns out another tech company uses goat power to mow its property, Yahoo has also employed goats to graze their grounds.  No word on whether Google and Yahoo executives have been cutting each other’s ears off as they compete for the goats attention.  ‘Nuf said.  Eat your Happy Meal.  Spit out the rubbery stuff.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

China’s ultimatum: smoke or be fined
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25426774-13762,00.html
 
The battle of Van Gogh’s ear: Artist didn’t chop it off – Gauguin attacked him in brothel row over woman
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1177205/The-battle-Van-Goghs-ear-Artist-didnt-chop–Gauguin-attacked-brothel-row-woman.html

Girl allegedly finds condom in ‘Happy Meal’
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30561605/

Google Goes Green With Goats
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/dpg_original/dpgo_Google_Goats_Green_fc_20090504_2460969

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Lingering eyes, Too much Saving, and $5 Prostitution Taxes

> Men’s Interest in Women can be Measured by the Length of their Gaze
> American’s are Saving Too Much, Playing Too Little
> Nevada Considers Taxing Legal and Illegal Prostitution $5 per Turn

Inebriated Press
March 27, 2009

Play, Pay, Lay

Play, Pay, Lay

The Daily Mail reported Wednesday that a new study shows that if a man thinks a woman is attractive he looks into her eyes longer.  And MyFoxDC reported Wednesday that with the economy struggling, people are doing everything they can to save money and are having too little fun.  Consumer psychologists call it “saver’s remorse”.  Meanwhile, a Nevada Senator has proposed a tax on legal and illegal prostitution amounting to $5 per session.  He thinks the State will take in an additional $2 million per year.  Some pundits say that in order to stimulate the economy, and to encourage entreuprenurship and taxpayer spending, all prostitution should be legal and untaxed.

Someone named Lexi

Someone named Lexi

“I know a lot of guys who have been staring into the eyes of women but are afraid of making a move because it may lead to a relationship that they can’t afford in this economy, so they’re saving their money, staying home and not having any fun.  And adding a hooker tax isn’t going to help encourage them to take up any short-term deals, because it’ll just cost more money; it’s an economic disincentive,” said Lexi Rae-Powerwash, a smok’n brunette firefighter known to throw off as much heat as the fires she puts out.  “Now if Nevada is serious about generating new tax dollars they’ll cut tax rates, regulate the health of the women — maybe offer a certification program that’s better than competing states so they can differentate the quality of their hookers — and then encourage the expansion of new business enterprise by subsidizing volume discounting.  I can imagine the slogan now, ‘Nevada Gold-Certified Hookers: More Tits and Ass, Fewer STD’s; and Now, Every Fifth Turn is Free’.  It’ll sell I’m telling you.”

Someone named Jon

Someone named Jon

Not everyone agrees with Rae-Powerwash.  “I think it’s wrong to focus on stimulating the economy by encouraging more prostitution regardless the certified health claims.  If the federal government would cut taxes and reduce wasteful spending across the board, all business and entrepreneurship would be encouraged, and guys would have more money and the confidence to get into long term relationships, rather than just looking for a quick bang with modest taxation,” said Jon Rinsefre, staring into the eyes of Lexi Rae-Powerwash for a good thirty seconds without blinking.  “The Obama administration needs to quit spending trillions of tax dollars on crazy shit, screwing the economy and frightening people with money from spending.  If Obama would start shrinking the federal government and cut back on spending, people would relax and start spending more money, screw each other the right way, and stimulate themselves and the economy.  Hell, it’s the American way, enough of this socialist shit.”

Glancing at her ... eyes?

Glancing at her ... eyes?

The Daily Mail reported that researchers reporting in the journal “Archives of Sexual Behavior” say that if a man’s glance into a woman’s eyes lasts longer than 8.2 seconds, he’s interested.  If a man’s gaze is more like four seconds, research suggests he is less than impressed. Hidden cameras secretly tracked the eye movements of 115 students as they chatted with actors and actresses. They were then asked to rate their conversation partner’s attractiveness. The men looked into the eyes of actresses they considered beautiful for an average of 8.2 seconds, but that dropped to 4.5 seconds when gazing at those they rated less attractive. The female students, however, did not differ in the amount of time they spent looking at the actors. The researchers believe that men use eye contact to seek out fit and fertile mates. But women are more wary of attracting unwanted attention because of the risks of unwanted pregnancy and single parenthood.
 
MyFoxDc reported that with the economy stuck in a downward spiral, most people are doing everything they can to save money. But is it possible to be too frugal? There is the belief that if you don’t take any chances and spend some money, you risk regretting that you didn’t have a little more fun while you had the chance. Consumer psychologists say that saver’s remorse is a real condition. The theory is that people are so obsessed with preparing for the future that they can’t enjoy the present, and end up looking back with regret on all their lost opportunities for fun. 

Home of the $5 tax?

Home of the $5 tax?

Psychologists say that splurging on big ticket items or a vacation can produce immediate buyer’s remorse, but over the long term, people regret not having enough fun, not traveling and not spending money rather than not saving enough. “People feel guilty about hedonism right afterwards, but as time passes the guilt dissipates,” says Dr. Ran Kivetz, a professor of marketing at the Columbia Business School. “At some point there’s a reversal, and what builds up is this wistful feeling of missing out on life’s pleasures.” Experts also say that balancing enough “play” time with work is important to relieve stress, especially during these difficult economic times.

Too little product differentiation?

Too little product differentiation?

The Las Vegas Sun reported Monday that Senator Bob Coffin, D-Las Vegas, proposed a tax on prostitution that he says could raise $2 million a year for the state. Patrons of prostitutes — both legal and illegal — would pay an extra $5 tax per session under the bill, which Coffin said was his idea alone. Coffin said he had considered applying the state’s live entertainment tax to prostitution, but encountered some constitutional questions. There are eight “major” brothels in the rural counties, where they are legal, and 17 smaller houses of prostitution, according to George Flint, a spokesman for the state’s brothel industry. The minimum charges range from $100 to $200. Asked how the state could collect the tax from the independent street walkers, Senator Coffin said that the business tax, when first imposed, wasn’t collected from all of those who were required to pay it. As a new tax, the bill would require a two-thirds vote for passage.

In other news, WMAR-TV Baltimore reported that an Italian doctor completed a brain operation despite having a heart attack after realizing his patient would never recover if he stopped the surgery. Surgeon Claudio Vitale started feeling pains in his chest half way through the operation but refused to stop despite his team’s urging and the pain worsening.  After finishing the surgery, the doctor had an angioplasty operation to treat his attack.  Vitale insists he’s not a hero, but that he couldn’t leave the patient “at such a delicate moment.” Both doctor and patient are recovering.  No word on why Obama keeps bleeding American taxpayers while claiming to be repairing their financial vitality, but since he doesn’t look them in the eye for very long, perhaps it’s all about him and not about them.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

The look of love? Only if you manage a glance that lasts longer than 8.2 seconds
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1164600/The-look-love-Only-manage-glance-lasts-longer-8-2-seconds.html

Too Much Saving, Not Enough Playing
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/dpgo_Too_Much_Saving_Not_Enough_Playing_mb_032420092311217

Proposed bill would tax prostitution at $5 per session
http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2009/mar/23/proposed-bill-would-tax-prostitution-5-session/

Walk it off, it’s only a heart attack
http://www.abc2news.com/entertainment/weirdnews/story/Walk-it-off-its-only-a-heart-attack/P0JFQIIQ_0WH5a9uOIh2rA.cspx

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Google Destroying the Environment, “Joy of Sex” Updated, No Pants Day 2K9

> Study says each Google search kicks out 7 grams of CO2
> Crown Publishing updates “Joy of Sex”
> Atlanta celebrates “No Pants Day 2K9”

 

 

Inebriated Press
January 16, 2009

Google destroying earth?

Google destroying earth?

Fox News reported this week that new research says performing a single Google web search from your computer generates about 7 grams of carbon dioxide and experts say there are 200 million Internet searches globally each day. And UPI reported last week that the book “The Joy of Sex” has been made-over with new chapters, including one on safe sex and another on transexualism.  Meanwhile the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that the No Pants Brigade celebrated “No Pants Day 2K9″ last week, as travelers hopped aboard subway trains pant-less.  Pundits are debating the risk of performing web searches and performing Joy of Sex exercises while pant-less on the subway.

No Pants Day 2K9!

No Pants Day 2K9!

“I was searching Google for the new ‘Joy of Sex’ with my Blackberry without pants-on while I was riding the subway downtown, and the thought that I was destroying the planet and emotionally destabilizing the man sitting next to me, made me second guess what I was doing,” said Stacy Racy-Longleggs, a hot blond data analyst and juggler, whose presence weakens most men’s knees even when she’s fully clothed.  “I began to wonder if it was appropriate for me to risk damaging the environment and the man’s personal relationships by my actions.  I started to think about the ethical impacts of my behavior.  Perhaps I shouldn’t just do what I feel like whenever and wherever I want.  Maybe there’s something to this personal responsibility crap.”

Some people say humans are part of the environment so what we do and how we act is in accord with nature by our very existence.

090116-josx2“Don’t let people with personal agendas confuse you with some idea about responsibility to the environment and other humans, as though there were some standard of ethical behavior you’re supposed to adopt.  We are here like the grass and the rocks and the beavers and can do whatever we feel like,” said Penny Lane-Quartermaster, a small-time commodities broker with a penchant toward lawlessness and a chest full of silicon.  “Who gives a rat’s ass about the guy sitting next to you unless you feel like it, and why worry about the planets environment unless you think there’s some personal benefit to you by doing it.  Anybody who tries to tell you what to do is selling something.  You’re here like everything else and it’s you who defines what it is you say and do.  Screw the people who try to tell you how to behave … if you feel like it.  Stalin taught me that.  Bill Clinton updated it.”

Fox News reported that performing two Google searches from a desktop computer can generate about the same amount of carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle for a cup of tea, according to new research. While millions of people tap into Google without considering the environment, a typical search generates about 7 grams of CO2. Boiling a kettle generates about 15 grams. “Google operates huge data centers around the world that consume a great deal of power,” said Alex Wissner-Gross, a Harvard University physicist whose research on the environmental impact of computing is due out soon. “A Google search has a definite environmental impact.”

090116-google-logoA recent report by Gartner, the industry analysts, said the global IT industry generated as much greenhouse gas as the world’s airlines — about 2 percent of global CO2 emissions. “Data centers are among the most energy-intensive facilities imaginable,” said Evan Mills, a scientist at the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in California. Banks of servers storing billions of Web pages require power.

United Press International (UPI) reported that the 1970s classic “The Joy of Sex” has gotten a makeover with 42 new chapters, including one on safe sex and another on transexualism, according to its publisher. The revised and updated “The Joy of Sex: The Timeless Guide to Lovemaking” replaces the pictures of hairy men in former editions with cleaner cut men, The Washington Post (NYSE:WPO) reported Saturday.

090116-joy-of-sex-bookThe new edition, by Crown Publishing Group, also ditches cracks about “one-legged ladies,” “negresses” and sex on horseback found in the original 1972 edition while adding a chapter on phone sex and a four-page resource guide on everything from menopause to eating disorders, the Post reported. The book originally written by Alex Comfort, a doctor and author who died in 2000, has been overhauled by Susan Quilliam, a British psychologist who advises a “practice session” before attempting new sexual positions so no one gets hurt.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that Atlanta’s No Pants brigade pre-empted Jamie Kendrick’s big plans of the Monster Jam truck rally on Saturday. En route from her Canton home to the Georgia Dome — on her very first MARTA ride — she witnessed nearly three dozen pranksters who took to the trains in their underwear. “I thought that maybe they work at Hooters,” the day care worker said of the two women standing in her car in white cotton high-cut briefs. “But then I thought, ‘I got new panties on, so does that mean I can take off my britches, too?’” She didn’t.

The idea of brotherhood of traveling pantless began in 2002, when seven people hopped New York City subways and dropped trou on their trips, according to Improv Everywhere, a New York-based guerrilla theater group. Saturday marked Atlanta’s first time participating in what is officially known as the “No Pants Day 2K9.” People react differently to the pantless. In Atlanta one man averted his eyes and clasped his female companion’s hand, to avoid a possible glance at the tighty whities. Most, though, just took pictures or burst into laughter.

Some people say that clothes are unnatural and that if humans were true to their natural origin they’d run around in their “birthday suits” all the time.

One woman's struggle against clothing

One woman's struggle against clothing

“We’re born nude and have to be taught to wear clothes which are completely unnatural, arbitrary and makes us subserviant to the clothing industry,” said Missy Mae-Bareclaw, a stripper at the Five-And-Dime Cheapskates Lounge and Tupperware Emporium.  “Not only is wearing clothes unnatural, it’s really immoral because it goes against the way we were born.  To compensate for my deep ethical struggles and yet appease social convention I wear mostly leather — which is animal based and closer to human skin than cotton, or I go nude.  That’s also why I strip, because I get paid to get natural and organic.  It’s the most natural way to work and live and still fit in.  True oneness with the planet requires us to avoid clothing and Internet based communications.  Everyone in the world should be nude and communicate in tactile ways.  It works at the Five-And-Dime.”

090116-j-o-tax

In other news, the Star Tribune reported last week that a former exotic dancer who worked at Rick’s Cabaret in Minneapolis between 2004 and 2006, and allegedly made about $80,000 in tips during one year, is now facing multiple felony charges for failing to report the money as income. Stephanie Antes, 28, of Albertville, is charged with five felony counts and one gross misdemeanor count of failing to file and pay income taxes and filing a false income tax return, according to the Minnesota Department of Revenue.  No word on how Stephanie feels about Google destroying the environment, but there’s no doubt that she backs No Pants Day 2K9, and probably has plans to enjoy the updated version of the “Joy of Sex” … if she’s not in jail for tax evasion.  You may be able to skip wearing clothes, but you can’t avoid paying taxes.  Unnatural though they may be, you pay them or the government has your ass – pantless or not.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Research Reveals Environmental Impact of Google Searches
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,479127,00.html

Crown Publishing updates ‘Joy of Sex’
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/01/10/Crown_Publishing_updates_Joy_of_Sex/UPI-57101231615659/

No pants needed for MARTA ride
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/atlanta/stories/2009/01/10/marta_no_pants.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab

Rick’s Cabaret exotic dancer didn’t report $80,000 in tips, charges say
http://www.startribune.com/local/37313284.html?elr=KArksLckD8EQDUoaEyqyP4O:DW3ckUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aUac8HEaDiaMDCinchO7DU

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The difference between fines and taxes

081129finestaxes

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