Tag Archives: teacher student sex

Hearse Driver Breaks for Beer, “Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, and Teacher Writes Book about Sex with Students

> Family waits at Cemetery while Hearse Driver Buys Beer
> Study: “Pulling Out” nearly as Effective as Condoms
> Woman teacher writes book describing sexual encounters with ‘favorite’ students

Inebriated Press
June 1, 2009

Beer, the sirens song

Beer, the sirens song

United Press International (UPI) reported Wednesday that the hearse driver for a funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited.  And CBS News reported Thursday that a new study claims withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms.  Meanwhile, Fox News reported Wednesday that a British teacher has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students.  Pundits are debating the ethical risks and rewards of beer, condoms, and sex with children.

kareliya“There’s really nothing inherently wrong with teachers having sex with their students as long as the boys pull out soon enough and both the adult and child have been drinking heavily,” said some twisted bastard who will remain unnamed because she is likely to be nominated to the Supreme Court in the future.  “In a society where the random thoughts of a Hispanic woman trumps rule of law, white men and the U.S. Constitution, any freaking thing goes, and that’s how it should be.  Relative ethics, relative law, and sex with relatives and children are all fine.  There are no inherent rights or wrongs, it’s all up to whoever is in power to decide what’s good and bad, who’s happy or sad, who gives up most of their income and the slackers that it should be given to.  As far as the hearse driver who stopped for beer, let’s face it, it’s every person’s right to have beer. So what if the family waited in the cemetery wondering where the body of their loved one went.  The body was dead anyway so it didn’t care, and the family probably had nothing better to do than hang out.  If they’d been smart they’d have been someplace else slamming beer and having pullout sex.  Hope and change baby.  Let’s get with it.”

Someone named Lana

Someone named Lana

Not everyone agrees with the twisted bastard who discards morality and the Constitution, and will probably be on the Supreme Court defining both someday.  “Stopping off to buy beer when you should be delivering the body of a loved one to the family waiting at a cemetery is tasteless and rude — and I’m using kind words.  Go buy beer on your own time, after you’ve done your job.  And the idea that ethics are so relative and random that it’s okay for teachers to have sex with students and write books about it; or to promote the idea that not using condoms is no more risky than using them, is stupid, in addition to being wrong,” said Lana Ethical-Abbs, an account executive whose body and ethics are both lean, strong and attractive to many.  “Fire and then prosecute the teacher for illegal sexual contact with minors, fire the hearse driver and apologize to that poor family, then cut in-half the fee the mortuary was charging them; and then ignore the ridiculous ‘no-condoms are just as good as condoms’ study.  We need common sense and proper application of law, safe sex and beer acquisition.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.  But then, Obama just nominated a person to the Supreme Court who disagrees with the very Constitution she’ll be sworn to defend and correctly interpret, so I guess common sense isn’t in vogue anymore.  Liberal empathy is supposed to rule today.  Trouble is it’s funded by conservative taxpayer dollars and the erosion of both the rule of law and economic sustainability.  In the end it amounts to nothingness, the foundation is gone; it’s like ‘building ones house upon the sand’.  A family, society or a country can’t stay strong very long that way.”

HearseUPI reported that the hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said. The Latin American Herald Tribune reported Wednesday that relatives and friends of Tito Vasquez waited for several hours Sunday at the Campos de Cristo cemetery for the hearse to arrive so that they could bury their loved one. Vasquez’s family said they could not understand why his body was not being delivered for the funeral. Police said Vasquez’s body was eventually found in the hearse in the parking lot of a motel in Bogota’s San Bernardo neighborhood.

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

Jettison delivery! Bail! Bail!

CBS News reported that most sexually active people don’t think that the pullout method is a very effective form of contraception, but according to a new study withdrawal before ejaculation during intercourse, is more than just “better than nothing,” and is nearly as effective at preventing pregnancy as condoms. The study, titled “Better than nothing or savvy risk reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal,” appears in the June edition of the journal Contraception. The authors found: “If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4% of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year. However, more realistic estimates of typical use indicate that about 18% of couples will become pregnant in a year using withdrawal. These rates are only slightly less effective than male condoms, which have perfect- and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%, respectively.”

Teacher and "favorite"

Teacher and "favorite"

Fox News reported that a British teacher reportedly has been fired for publishing a novel describing sexual encounters with some of her students. The fictional work “Stop! Don’t Read This” focuses on five of Leonora Rustamova’s “favorite” students at Calder High School and addresses the 39-year-old’s growing struggle to view her students as “kids.” She also writes about her tendency to flirt with students and allow them to flirt with and fantasize about her, according to the Daily Telegraph. In addition, the expletive-filled book featured stories of students drinking, skipping school and possibly using drugs. It also named other faculty members, including the school’s headmaster Stephen Ball, the Daily Telegraph reported. When she was suspended in January over the book’s release, more than 250 students and parents demonstrated in support of Rustamova, saying she was only try to encourage the students to read, the Telegraph reported. The school announced on Wednesday that she had been terminated following a disciplinary hearing into her conduct.

Some people say the teacher was simply using the same approach as Playboy’s Hugh Hefner because just at most men buy his porn magazine for the articles, most students are more interested in literature than sex.  A few others are just interested in silly old-fashioned writing and pre-Obama ideals.

Boring traditional American guy

Boring traditional American guy

“Give me a dusty old copy of Shakespeare over a glossy new Maxim any day, I’m way more into cryptic hard-to-read classic bullshit than some hot easy-to-see-through babe busting out of her clothes all over the place,” said some guy busting out of his clothes all over the place and probably lying like hell.  “Today’s ‘new’ trends like teacher-student sex, leaving people rot while you buy beer, and pullout contraception, are pathetic jokes.  Give me a gal with old-fashioned common sense, an in-shape body that will sustain her health in the long run, some old-school Trojans for that ‘just-in-case’ moment, and a couple Jack Daniels on-the-rocks after work.  That may sound boring as hell to some anti-Constitutional relativist who’d rather bang some school children, but my way built America and sustains it today.  It’ll continue sustaining it if the voters will pull their heads out of their asses long enough to elect some leaders who believe in limited government, lower taxes and a free market economy.  It’s time to get our shit together and get back to boring old traditional-American values.  The pretty boy in the White House isn’t doing us any favors.  Believe me.”

no-parkingIn other news, Florida’s St. Petersburg Times reported that Tarpon Springs police blame a local developer for installing fake “no parking” signs around a popular city restaurant that resulted in 233 tickets being written in a two-year span. At the same time, acting police Chief Robert Kochen acknowledged his department’s failure to properly handle the matter. In a 23-page report released this week, Kochen said developer Mike Bronson admitted recently to installing the signs along the city’s right of way after initially denying it. The report says criminal charges against Bronson would not be feasible at this time, but makes no mention of other possible penalties. Kochen said:” The Police Department’s patrol officers were doing their job and they had no reason (at the time) to believe any of these signs may have been unauthorized by the city.”  No word on how the police feel about hearse drivers buying beer instead of delivering bodies, or underage teacher-student sex, but since they were faked out by pretend no-parking signs it’s a good bet that they’re probably also faked out by the “benefits” of no-condom contraception.  But I could be wrong.  It seems that after two-years and a 23-page report they eventually figure shit out.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Hearse driver stops for beer
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/05/27/Hearse-driver-stops-for-beer/UPI-85171243471695/

“Pulling Out” Rivals Condoms, Study Says
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/28/health/main5045514.shtml

Better than nothing or savvy risk-reduction practice? The importance of withdrawal
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/reprints/Contraception79-407-410.pdf

Report: British Teacher Fired for Writing Racy Novel About Her ‘Favorite’ Students
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,522407,00.html

Teacher sacked over racy novel that named students
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/5393597/Teacher-sacked-over-racy-novel-that-named-students.html

Fake ‘no parking’ signs fool Tarpon Springs police, who write 233 tickets near Tarpon Turtle restaurant
http://www.tampabay.com/news/localgovernment/article1005017.ece

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Teacher cuts Class for Prostitution, Dutch fear loss of Porn Archive, and Pam Anderson now living in Mobile Home

> Fourth-grade teacher had side job as prostitute
> Dutch city pornography archive missing
> Former ‘Baywatch’ star living in mobile home with new lover

Inebriated Press
February 16, 2009

090216-teacher-b-wAssociated Press reported last week that an Ohio fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class for trysts.  And Associated Press also reported last week that the Dutch city of Leeuwarden is missing its porn archive, and officials fear it may be gone for good.  Meanwhile, BANG Media reported that Pamela Anderson has moved into her electrician boyfriend’s trailer and is living there with her sons, Brandon and Dylan.  Pundits are debating why the public is confused about the sophisticated logic behind hooker-school-teachers, the porn collections of cities, and hot babes who prefer living in trailer-houses rather than multi-million dollar mansions.

“Some of the general public, who for reasons unknown, continue to cling to vestiges of common sense and aspects of old-school logic are surprised and confused when they hear that grade-school teachers are also hookers, and that most cities keep porn collections and that famous actresses would rather live in sleazy cracker-box-sized trailers than in massive plush mansions.  That kind of mental discord is one of the reasons the U.S. desperately needs nationalized healthcare,” said someone claiming to be Barack Obama, a community organizer who recently began reorganizing the community known as the United States of America by proposing a ‘stimulus package’ containing provisions that will fundamentally change the foundation of the country and provide him the freedom to reinterpret the U.S. constitution through the use of Executive Orders.  “Teachers shouldn’t have to hook on the side to make ends meet, but they also shouldn’t have to give sex away to their students for free.  Part of my new healthcare/education package will provide teachers with more income if they teach and have sex with kids at school.  And in the future most American’s will be living in trailer houses because they require less resources and the folks will have more money to spend on taxes.  And as far as porn achieves are concerned, they’re as historic as the U.S. Constitution and every city should have a collection they keep around just to look at from time to time.”

090216-archives-b-wNot everyone agrees with the guy claiming to be Obama, or that it was Obama who said those things.  “Even someone who’s busily converting the U.S. into a socialist society isn’t going to support student-teacher sex or the idea that everyone, even bureaucrats will be living in mobile homes.  I can see him backing the porn achieves, but that’s an artsy kind of thing,” said Mary Chrismas-Party, a professional weight-lifter and new age philosopher, whose missives on utopia through dictatorship is required reading in the Obama Administration.  “It’s true that most of the common masses will probably live in mobile homes in the future, but the aristocratic socialist Democrats will still have mansions, porn collections and occasionally have sex with a teacher who skips out on class.  But that’s merely progressive and shouldn’t be misunderstood as change for change itself.  Give Obama four years and you’ll begin to understand.  Give him eight and you won’t even be asking questions about this stuff.”

Amber Carter

Amber Carter

Associated Press reported that authorities say an Ohio fourth-grade teacher had a side job as a prostitute, and even skipped class after using a school computer to arrange an afternoon tryst at a motel. Logan County sheriff’s officials say 35-year-old Amber Carter was arrested Tuesday at a motel parking lot in Bellefontaine in central Ohio. She’s charged with misdemeanor prostitution and a felony, and unauthorized use of property, regarding the computer. Bellefontaine City Schools Superintendent Larry Anderson says officials are shocked. He says Carter never received a reprimand in 13 years at the district. She’s now on administrative leave.

Dutch Playboy

Dutch Playboy

Associated Press reported that the municipal pornography archive in the Dutch city of Leeuwarden is missing and officials fear it may be gone for good. Spokesman Erik Krikke of the city’s historical center said the archive – which contained photos, drawings and erotic texts with a connection to the city – may have been taken home “accidentally” by an employee or visitor. Krikke said the bulk of the archive had been assembled by a “fanatic” curator at the historical center, mostly during the 1960s and ’70s. Items such as pictures by local photographers and artists would be difficult or impossible to replace.

The collection included a copy of the rare February 1998 edition of Dutch Playboy, Krikke said. It featured girls from each of 11 Dutch cities along the route of the country’s most beloved ice skating race, the Elfstedentocht. One of those girls was from Leeuwarden. Asked whether he thought it was unusual for the town to have a pornography collection, Krikke said “yes” – and that made the loss greater.

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson

BANG Media reported that former ‘Baywatch’ star Pamela Anderson, is reportedly living in a mobile home with new lover Jamie Padgett, who is a surfer and electrician, in Malibu. A source said: “Pam and the kids joined Jamie and his sons – who are around Brandon and Dylan’s age – on his boat in Paradise Cove at the weekend. They spent most of the time on the beach with their kids. They are really happy together. Pam is staying with him in the Paradise Cove trailer park while her house is renovated.” Pamela is said to have fallen “head over heels” with Jamie because of his clean living ways – in stark contrast to Pamela’s ex-husbands: Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee, who is also the father of her children, rapper Kid Rock and professional poker player and pornographer Rick Salomon.

Some experts say that common people with “clean living ways” have accidentally done some good historically, though they aren’t sure why.

Living large with Pam

Living large with Pam

“If you look back at history it’s rather amusing to discover that guys and gals who lived lives based on Judeo-Christian values, exhibited fairness and lived by the ‘Golden Rule,’ often created stable families and societies and ended up building great civilizations that resulted in more individual freedom and economic success than societies based on socialism, dictatorship or totalitarianism,” said Chester Fester-Acorn, a social activist who believes random ethics are the most natural and enduring and should be the basis of all governments.  “It’s amazing how such accidents could have occurred like those, when everyone knows that central planning conducted by the political elite is the only way to run a social system or country.  In a few years the U.S. will get a taste of that utopia when the government tells everyone what to do and how to do it.  People misunderstood Orwell’s book ‘1984’ and thought it was a warning to free people.  The reality is, it’s a manual for the Obama administration.  But Obama and his people will make it work.  They’re smarter than every socialist group that tried central control before.  That’s why it’ll work this time even though it never has.  And as for the successful American experiment of private enterprise and individual freedom?  Well, like all old ideas it had to go the way of lost porn collections.  Some feel wistful about its loss, but it’s no big deal really. Having the will of the powerful imposed on the individual is as natural as Darwinism.  Why fight it?”

We're here to help

We're here to help

In other news UPI reported last week that Swedish police said they broke down the door of a hostel after hearing what seemed to be a woman’s screams, only to discover an opera singer was practicing. “They thought somebody in there was in distress and made a decision to raid the premises,” police spokesman Peder Jonsson said. However, when the police broke down the door and entered the building, they discovered that the high-pitched sound had been a female member of a South African choir practicing for an upcoming performance at the Norrlandsoperan opera house. No word on whether the choir felt safer knowing that cops are free to break into homes whenever they feel like it, but in the years ahead we’ll probably all get used to the idea.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Article sources:

Ohio Teacher Cut Class For Prostitution
http://www.wbbm780.com/Ohio-Teacher-Cut-Class-For-Prostitution/3833235

Dutch city fears loss of pornography archive
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/EU_ODD_NETHERLANDS_PURLOINED_PORN?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2009-02-12-12-28-57

Pamela Anderson living in trailer
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/35/20090212/ten-pamela-anderson-living-in-trailer-764dee7.html

Police mistake singing for screams
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/02/11/Police_mistake_singing_for_screams/UPI-39601234379917/

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Teacher-Student Sex Legal, Dad Trades Daughter for Beer, and Prison Inmates Get Game Rooms

> Washington court rules teachers can have sex with students
> California dad sells 14-year-old girl for beer, meat and cash
> Report says California felons need gyms, music rooms, crafts and game rooms

Inebriated Press
January 19, 2009

090119-teachThe Seattle Times reported last week that the Washington Court of Appeals has ruled that State law does not bar teachers from having sex with 18-year-old students. And NBC Los Angeles reported last week that a 36-year-old California man was arrested and booked in the Monterey County jail for selling his 14-year-old daughter for $16,000 and 100 cases of beer, along with several cases of meat.  Meanwhile, the San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that a California court-appointed receiver tasked with overhauling the state’s prison health care system has recommended that criminals be provided with aerobics and yoga classes, workout rooms, handball courts, a basketball court, music room, a crafts room, game room and “therapy kitchen”. Pundits are debating whether everyone on the west coast has lost their minds and it’s time to sell it to the Chinese, or whether they should sign on to the new trends and franchise them across America for big money.

“I’ve been fighting for ethics and common sense for the past decade and seems like I’m fighting trends that won’t quit,” said Zesty Perlman, an ethicist and part-time vagrant and electrician.  “And with the downturn in construction it seems like nothing I do pays.  If I could franchise the development of a chain of schools and prisons where teachers and students have sex, prison inmates get ammenaties like high-end condo communities, and I produce an electronic trading platform where parents can market their children in exchange for commodities, I think I can make some serious coin.  I guess it’s time I bail on the no-pay moral effort and cash in on the immoral west coast trade.  I can’t get shit for promoting good behavior, but if I screw up and lose millions in some immoral business play the government will bail me out.  I might as well get with the New America program.  It won Obama the election.”

090119-meatNot everyone agrees with Zesty Perlman.  “Just because part of the country has lost it’s marbles doesn’t mean the rest of us should give up and play the game that they’re playing; besides its wrong for teachers to screw students, and parents to sell children, and criminals to be rewarded for murder, rape and robbery, no matter what California believes,” said Zelda ‘Big Bang’ McGuire, a physicist and part-time hooker, whose nick-name originates from both professions.  “It’s wrong to let teachers pick-up students for sex at any age, because they hold an authority position over them at school and that makes the situation ripe for abuse.  And no person should be sold to another for any reason, no matter how good the meat or beer.  I think criminals should be in a dank cell and served bread and water and that’s it.  Prison should be uncomfortable, not a day spa.  I may think about science and turning tricks most of the time, but I only do it with adults in a free market and a fair trade environment.  Call me backward if you want to, but if this west coast shit is progressive we’re all screwed … and not in a good way.”

090119-montage-debra-lafaveThe Seattle Times reported that state law does not bar teachers from having sex with 18-year-old students. That’s the decision of a three-judge panel of the Washington Court of Appeals, which ordered the dismissal of a case brought against Hoquiam High School’s former choir teacher. The teacher, Matthew Hirschfelder, was charged with first-degree sexual misconduct with a minor. He challenged a judge’s refusal to dismiss his case. The appeals court unanimously agreed that the state law is vague, and that the state Legislature only intended to forbid sexual contact between school employees and students who are 16 or 17. Hirschfelder was 33 in 2006, at the time of the alleged relationship with the young woman. He resigned the next year.

Marketable 14-year-old?

Marketable 14-year-old?

NBC Los Angeles reported that Greenfield, Calif., police said Marcelino de Jesus Martinez, 36, was arrested and booked in the Monterey County jail after selling his daughter for marriage and then calling police to complain that her buyer had not paid off his debt. Martinez arranged for his 14-year-old daughter to marry Margarito de Jesus Galindo, 18, for $16,000 and 100 cases of beer, along with several cases of meat and other items. After the girl moved in with Galindo, Martinez called police to complain that he hadn’t been paid. Police said he asked for their help getting his daughter back. Martinez’s daughter did return home, but he was arrested and booked on suspicion of bartering her –– “receiving money for causing person to cohabitate.” Galindo, the intended buyer/groom, was booked on suspicion of statutory rape, police said.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported that aerobics and yoga classes, workout rooms and open-air courtyards were just a few of the amenities recommended for California’s hospitalized felons in a draft report for the court-appointed receiver tasked with overhauling the state’s prison health care system. The recommendations called on the cash-starved state to spend $8 billion on seven new hospitals – each roughly the size of 10 Wal-Mart stores – to replace a decrepit health care system. The draft report, posted on Clark Kelso, the court appointed receiver’s Web site, said the new hospitals’ environment “should be ‘holistic’ in expression.”

Wellness Center

Wellness Center

The report also suggested that the new prison hospitals include: Workout rooms to “promote wellness,” featuring exercise machines and space for “therapeutic activities such as aerobics, yoga, (and) group exercise.” Plus handball courts, gymnasiums with a basketball court and a music room, a crafts room, game room and therapy kitchen. Also, outdoor courtyards “where patients will be encouraged to participate in recreational therapy programs such as horticulture.” And outdoor running tracks. The report also said there should be day rooms for patients featuring a “quiet room for reading and study, as well as a separate room for group TV watching.”

Some people say that the criminal element deserves a better life-style than hard working tax-payers because they are more clever.

“Taxpayers are morons and don’t deserve good lives because they’re like sheep that just go along with whatever the polticians and the churches tell them; they deserve nothing,” said a professional criminal who requested that his name not be published out of fear that someone may give him what he really deserves rather than what the State of California wants to provide for him.  “As a career criminal I’ve worked hard to be creative and take whatever I wanted and I’ve fought against the ‘greater good’ of politicians and religious leaders who lack a clear view of the value of self-centeredness.  It’s people who only care about themselves who really built civilization — heros like Hitler and Stalin.  Only futurists like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really understand this.”

090119-beer-runnerIn other news, The Saint Petersburg Times reported that a new service called The Beer Runners’ started in Florida when founders were too drunk to drive but wanted more beer. The Beer Runners’ concept is simple. You give them a call, they take your order — $20 minimum — and if you’re within 3 miles of the store, the delivery charge is $5, or 65 cents per mile after that. Their prices are typical — $4.25 for a pack of Marlboros, $5.91 for a six-pack of Miller Lite.  Business has trickled in, they’ve had about a dozen or so orders so far and plenty of curious passers-by and job seekers. “We’ve had more applications [for jobs] than we’ve had delivery orders,” said Rhoda Matrisciano, 40, a teacher at Montessori Prep Academy in Temple Terrace, and one of the services founders. No word on whether Matrisciano has been having sex with her students or plans to trade her kids for commodities, but at least she isn’t driving drunk, so she’s got that going for her.

(C) 2009 InebriatedPress.com

Source articles:

Appellate court rules teachers can have sex with 18-year-old students
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008622962_studentsex13m.html

Dad Sells Girl, Calls Cops to Complain He Wasn’t Paid
http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/weird/Dad-Sells-Girl-Calls-Cops-to-Complain-He-Wasnt-Paid.html

Plush hospitals for state’s felons
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/01/11/BAN9156U9N.DTL&tsp=1

Pasco beer delivery service gets rolling
http://www.tampabay.com/news/humaninterest/article966468.ece

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